How do two families live? What to do if your husband lives in two families

“I live in two families and don’t know what to do in this situation!” — were my client’s first words.

Living in two families is not part of the myth about male polygamy, but a completely ordinary situation from our real life. This story is one of those that we regularly hear from our friends.

We are accustomed to blaming a man and his masculine nature for many things. We have lived together for so many years, and the result is another family on the side, albeit not officially registered! But what brings a man to such a situation? What prevents him from making a choice?

“But” is the eternal companion of each of us, we make choices every second, we just sometimes don’t notice it, because not all decisions are given to us with difficulty. The decision to drink coffee or tea for breakfast may cause us momentary confusion, but it will be made in favor of what we really want. In situations of personal relationships, everything is much more complicated.

As a result, we suffer ourselves, we torture others, we bring situations to a “hopeless situation” and begin to convince ourselves that “there is no justice in this world” or complain about fate, which, like a chronicle, someone wrote before we were born. But we ourselves write the chronicle of our lives, and it depends only on us whether this story will be about a happily lived time or about the suffering of several people.

The hero of my story wanted to leave the family and even told his wife about this, but did not dare talk about it with the child. Do not rush to judge a man in such a situation! Talking to your own child can be the most difficult step for a man. A man is not only afraid of losing the affection and love of his own children, but he is afraid of destroying his own image of a “good father”, because good dads don't abandon their family. But adults sometimes do not understand that their children know or guess about everything that is happening in the family and, no less than adults, suffer from a situation of uncertainty. According to statistics, 11% of children in families with divorces get divorced in the future, and 8% of children raised in two-parent families. Do you agree that the difference in percentage is not too critical?

The more my client tried to protect his own teenage child from family problems, the worse their relationship became. The more he tried to improve relations in both families, the more more problems arose. The wife did not want to give, the woman with whom he lived wanted an officially registered relationship, the child wanted to understand what was happening between father and mother.

Anything is possible, the only question is the ability to negotiate. I know families where people live in two families for years without hiding it. But personal happiness in such situations is the exception rather than the rule. Not every woman is ready to share her man with someone else. But everyone is free to choose for themselves what they want and what responsibility they are willing to bear for their own choice.

To each of the participants" family drama"I need to make a decision for myself what I am ready for in such a situation. Do not deceive yourself with empty promises that a man will definitely leave the family because he loves. Yes, he may love very much, but his own fears do not allow him to leave his wife and children for 5 years now. Do not think that the man will come to his senses and return to the family, and everything will be again as it was in the first years of marriage. Yes, perhaps he will return, but for how long? Love relationships on the side, I emphasize love relationships, but non-sexual affairs are unlikely to be the result of a happy marriage.

It is necessary to understand what we ourselves want and expect from a relationship with a loved one, then gain courage and voice our own wishes.

We suffer when someone doesn't live up to our expectations. Every time we encounter this, we feel deceived. But who is deceiving us? Isn't it our own fantasies? Share your own desires with your man, even if he doesn’t make a choice in your favor. Then you will not waste your own precious time on someone who will never give you a harmonious relationship.

Don't judge wives and mistresses, don't judge men who are trying to make a decision: family or new marriage. By judging each other, we become hostages of our own emotions, which sometimes do not allow us to see a way out of the current situation.

Trying to clarify the situation for themselves, women often behave too persistently, persuading, demanding, making scandals. But the paradox is that such behavior only pushes your loved one away from you and spoils your attitude towards him.

Where can love come from on the “field of constant battles”?

Don't put pressure on a man to make a decision. Give him time. If you are not satisfied with the fact that he “thinks for a long time,” it is better in such a situation to take care of your own life. Do not turn your inner world into serving one single “deity” - the man for whom you are “fighting” with your wife or mistress. In any case, you will lose, because the trophy may not be love for you, but the decision made by a very tired man.

The hero of my story made his choice, he left both families. His wife came out a second time.

I don’t know how my client’s life turned out, but I sincerely wish him to find the happiness that he so lacked.

Comment on the article "Choose me..."

Every person must think. If a person cannot make a decision, it means he lacks some information.
The most important thing in such a situation is honesty. Everyone should know what everyone thinks.
I myself am now in a situation of making a choice. I’ve already spoken honestly with my wife, and now I’m waiting for a calm answer from her.
Alas, in addition to the happiness of a man, the happiness of family and children lies on the scales. The choice is difficult and the real choice is made once in a lifetime.

16.03.2011 10:45:06,

I want to say one thing, there is always a choice, men are just too cowardly to make it and take responsibility for their choice. and I completely disagree that we need to give him time to think and so on, he will think for years, as in the article he thought for five years!! if a man does not make a decision, he simply waits for someone to accept him for him, either his wife or his mistress

07.08.2010 02:42:54,

Total 6 messages .

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Why does a man need a second family?

The story of Spartak Mishulin, who, as it turned out, had a parallel family for 30 years, in which a son was even born, aroused keen interest among the public. Many people wonder how a man who was considered an exemplary family man could lead a double life for so many years? And why, after all these years, he never chose between his wife and his mistress.

Why do men start a second family with children? And why in such cases do they not leave the first one? And how should legal wives react to all this?

Dealt with each other

In fact, there are plenty of examples of famous bigamists. Suffice it to recall Boris Nemtsov and Nikolai Eremenko. Mikhail Evdokimov, Gennady Khodyrev. All of them, being married, had secret families in which children grew up. The legal wives learned about this either, as in the case of Boris Nemtsov, from the mistress herself, or, as in the case of Mikhail Evdokimov and Nikolai Eremenko, after the death of their beloved husbands.

And Gennady Khodyrev’s legal wife found out about the existence of his second family, in which his daughter was growing up, after the divorce. Moreover, the former Nizhny Novgorod governor divorced not for the sake of the mother of his secret daughter, but for the sake of his young colleague.

There are plenty of similar examples in everyday life. Yes, my friend Irina for a long time considered herself a happy wife and mother of a charming daughter. Until she found out that her husband’s secret family lives on the next street, in which a son is growing up, almost the same age as her Tanya. During these five years, my husband periodically did not spend the night at home under the pretext of second shifts at work and business trips. Irina lived for a month, literally crushed by this information. And then she couldn’t resist and pointed to the door to her husband.

And to this day she cannot understand how it was possible - to bring money into the house, go on visits together, arrange family holidays, finally confessing your love... and at the same time wandering around to another... Oh well, wandering around - how many men have mistresses. But no, he also allowed her to give birth to a child. This means he loved her - otherwise why would he have a child with her?

However, psychologists believe that in this case a man is driven not so much by love as by a sense of duty.

– I fell in love with a woman and got married. Over the years, something has changed in the relationship. When women come to me with husbands whose mistresses they know, as a rule, it turns out that the woman does not hear the man. That is, she believes that if a ring is on your finger, then that’s it, hello, I can do whatever I want,” explains psychologist, director of the 5DA center Dmitry Seynov.

This lack of desire to listen, understand and feel a man on the part of his wife in the first place becomes the main reason why he starts a serious relationship on the side. In them he receives what he lacks in his legitimate family.

Married bachelor

Moreover, the seriousness of these very relationships primarily indicates the decency of the man.

- That is, this is not promiscuity. If he were promiscuous, he would just walk around like a black man, have one-time relationships, change women like gloves. The fact of the matter is that for him it is a matter of consistency. In this regard, you can write that permanent responsible men most often plunge into such relationships. Just those who are considered to be exemplary family men.

But on the other hand, many people have permanent mistresses, but not everyone decides to have a common child with her. Remember how in “Autumn Marathon” the heroine of Marina Neyolova constantly asked her married man for a child, and he only looked at her reproachfully in response - they say, why are you torturing me, I already explained that this is not possible.

According to the psychologist, men who agree for their mistress to give birth to a child for them, as a rule, do so primarily out of guilt.

– After all, by and large, he himself is to blame for everything that is happening; in the end, it all happened on his own initiative. And he, as a noble man, tries to find some kind of fragile balance. He goes along with the woman’s requests for a child, because she has the truth behind her. Well, or the man is very attached to this woman, and she puts the question bluntly - there won’t be a child, we’ll end the relationship. The more conscientious a man is, the less likely he is to resist a woman’s desire to have a child, says Dmitry Seynov.

In this case, the man, as a decent person, takes responsibility and care for the children.

For example, if a boy had a very domineering mother, and his father was too weak or did not exist at all, then he develops a fear that someone will take over and suppress his own “I”. To maintain independence from his wife, a man gets a girlfriend on the side.

A man could develop fear of close relationships if his mother abandoned him as a child (like the same Spartak Mishulin. After the birth of the future actor, his mother sent him to an orphanage for some time. Perhaps this is why he developed a distrust of women, because whom he married when he was closer to 40 years old.

Most women perceive the presence of an affair with their husband on the side, and especially a family with a child, as a betrayal. And not many are ready to put up with this state of affairs.

Although there are exceptions. Valery Zolotukhin's wife Tamara endured his affair with the young actress Irina Lindt for many years, who bore him a son, Ivan, about whom the whole country knew.

My neighbor’s sister has not only tolerated her husband Victor’s secret wife for 20 years, but also works with her side by side in the same medical clinic. When ten years ago she found out that her mistress had given birth to her husband’s daughter, she wanted to throw herself out of the window. Then she thought about strangling her mistress herself. And in the end I decided to leave everything as it is.

Some women tolerate their husband's second family, reveling in their role as a victim. This rapture in one’s suffering allows one to feel one’s importance.

One of our readers, Tatyana, told how she found out that her husband had a second family and a son who was a little younger than their own.

Having difficulty digesting this news, she decided that if her husband had not yet left her, then she was dear to him. This is how they have been living for three years now. The husband pretends to be an exemplary family man, and Tatyana pretends to believe her husband’s fairy tales about business trips and overtime.

A wife is not a wall

In fact, according to experts, it is difficult to say who a man loves more in such a situation.

“This guy needs to be put into deep hypnosis, given special drugs, and then he might admit that he hasn’t loved her or anyone else for a long time.” But the condition of his wallet does not allow him to support a third, says Dmitry Seynov.

It is possible that the man maintains relationships with both women solely out of a sense of duty and guilt towards both.

In this case, he, like the same Boris Nemtsov or Gennady Khodyrev, may eventually leave both of them and start a new relationship, not burdened by the problems of the previous ones.

Some men generally sincerely believe that they love both – their wife and their mistress.

So, my friend has been torn between his wife and his mistress for three years now. Despite the fact that he also takes the latter quite seriously - he helps her do repairs, takes her mother to the dacha, etc. In a word, he takes part in her life in every possible way.

In the heat of surging frankness, he shared that he had become attached to both of them. And he feels sorry for both of them, and he also cannot make a choice in favor of one of them. " Believe me, I need both of them. Each of them is a huge piece of my life and soul. They are both dear to me", he explained to me.

The psychologist believes that in this case he is not being disingenuous.

– You see, blind love is not love, it is passion. And so we usually love for something. He loves one woman for some things, another for others. We often confuse love with affection and gratitude. Well, if people lived together for a long time and she gave birth to a child, he is grateful to her for this, they got used to each other, they become kindred spirits. Of course he will think that he loves her. It's the same with a mistress.

Spartak's wife Mishulina, having learned that her husband had essentially been deceiving her all these years, refused to believe it and accused the actor's secret son of lying. It is possible to understand it, but not everyone can recognize such a truth.

But despite the nightmare of the situation, she is at least spared the need to share her husband with another woman. For most representatives of the fairer sex, this is a very painful story.

Some, having learned about the existence of another family with their husband, put the question bluntly - either me or her. Others prohibit seeing an illegitimate child. Still others try to accept the situation, despite the pain. Which of these behaviors is the most correct?

“If a wife threatens her husband with divorce, puts him before a choice - either I will divorce you, or you will leave her, you must be prepared for the fact that the threat will have to be carried out,” warns the psychologist. “She said we need to act.” It may be painful, unpleasant, but still. If you are not ready for divorce, then do not wave your sword in vain. So, try to come to terms with and accept this situation as a given. Moreover, in no case should you be prohibited from seeing that child, because he is not guilty of anything.

Some women might be ready to accept the existence of a second family with their husband, but they are prevented from doing so by fear of public opinion, which insists that to forgive such things means not to respect oneself.

- Well, in this case, let the woman choose what is more valuable to her, public opinion or a specific man, says the psychologist.

Ideally, it is better from the very beginning to try to maintain a psychological connection with your husband, to be interested in what is happening in his soul. And, perhaps, then, he simply will not have the need for a secret family.

Nella PRIBUTKOVSKAYA

Reference: Polygamy is a form of marriage in which there is one partner of one sex and several of the other. Polygyny (from the Greek “many” and “woman”) is a form of polygamy when a man is simultaneously in several marriages.

Society’s position: every tenth person is in favor

Ten percent of the Russian population positively perceives the idea of polygamy, says Natalia Churkina, associate professor of the Department of Sociology, Pedagogy and Psychology at NGASU. Some respondents explain their opinion by the fact that officially permitted polygamy would help solve the problems of a statistically recorded shortage of men and low birth rates in the country. This topic is also discussed seriously in Western countries. “The American anthropologist Kilbride, in his book “Polygyny in Our Day,” considers polygamy as a cure for many social ills of modern society as a whole.

Another group of supporters of the legalization of polygamy believes that this would make it possible to legalize existing extramarital affairs. By the way, the director of the Anti-Stress Center, psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko says that among his clients, about 10% are men living in two families.

Signs that a man has another (at least a mistress, at most a family) are quite eloquent. Firstly, a man begins to stay late “at work” or “with friends” not on weekday evenings, but also on weekends and especially holidays. Asks to “call back later.” Secondly, he becomes more concerned about privacy issues: papers, laptop and phone. Sitting at the computer, he quickly closes the windows when you approach. He erases the text messages and goes into another room to talk on the phone. Finally, the man becomes less attentive to his wife, less interested in her and general affairs, often gets irritated, and sex becomes rare and routine.

Man's position: children are sacred

Psychologists separate the situations of “just a mistress” and, in fact, a “second wife”. As Natalia Gerasimova, a psychologist at the August center, explained, in the case of a “second family,” a man dates the same woman for a long time or even has children with her.

But the main thing is that he really loves both women, in contrast to a casual relationship, when a man does not take his passion seriously.

What makes a man look for a relationship without breaking up with his previous wife? Here are the observations of Maxim Zagoruiko, who identified 4 groups of such men:

A man gets divorced, but psychologically he is unable to part with his first wife: there are children, memories and affection. As a result, the man lives with his new wife, but communicates with the first (including intimately), helps her and the children.

A child in a relationship with a mistress is born “by chance.” Usually the mistress wants to keep the man that way. At the subconscious level, a woman who gave birth to a man can no longer be perceived as a “girlfriend.” Relations with her move to a more serious level, and if a man is responsible, he usually does not abandon them, but helps both of them.

A man and his mistress deliberately have a child. Usually this happens when the wife cannot, does not want to have children, or they have simply grown up, and the man wants to experience the joy of fatherhood again.

The man travels a lot on business trips or works on a rotational basis.

Position of “concubine”: secured and free

The “second wife” usually has material and psychological interests. There are not enough men, but I really want to arrange my personal life - this is the main motivation.

At the same time, by choosing a man who is already busy, a woman subconsciously avoids close relationships (which for some reason she is afraid of).

The second motive is material. Already centuries ago there was a concept of concubinage - when a woman from the lower class cohabited with a married man. “Since ancient times, becoming a concubine (concubine) was the only chance to escape poverty for many poor and humble girls. Family, child, financial support - this is what this woman receives and usually she chooses a serious and wealthy man as a partner,” confirms Natalia Churkina.

Wife's attitude: eyes wide shut

Despite the obvious signs of betrayal, such unions, which last for years, usually paradoxically suit all three parties and are therefore unusually strong. Psychologists confirm: often women know about each other’s existence and do not object to it. The wife pretends that nothing is happening, especially if it is beneficial for her (for example, she is dependent on the man), and the mistress is even more satisfied with the situation - she also receives material support, care and attention.

Women whose husbands for some reason start looking for a woman on the side have something in common. “Usually, a second family is started by men who cannot satisfy all their most important needs in a single marriage.

Therefore, women who are inattentive to their husbands and their desires often find themselves in such a situation,” says Maxim Zagoruiko.

Psychologists give one piece of advice to wives who find themselves in this situation: honestly ask yourself the question of what keeps you close to such a man. “It is important that a woman understands what she really wants. If she really wants to break up, it would be good for her to be aware of the motives for the breakup and formulate them for herself. For example: “I want to be the only one for him. I don’t want to share it with anyone,” advises Maxim Zagoruiko, focusing on the fact that if you are not honest with yourself, neither separation nor maintaining the marriage will bring happiness in itself. If you decide to break up, you can’t drag it out, “cutting off the tail” piece by piece.

If your option is to save the family, then the solution is banal, but labor-intensive - to start working on the relationship and, above all, to find out what the husband lacked in the marriage. True, there is one here important nuance: First you should find out whether your husband needs your efforts. After all, if you have the strength to change the situation, it would be nice if it were worth it.

Irina Kisner

Photo thinkstockphotos.com

The situation when a man practically lives in two families is quite typical for our time. Polygamy is prohibited in our country, so it is assumed that one wife is legal, and the second is civil. Moreover, both families can have children, and the legal wife, most often, knows about the existence of her husband’s second family.

Such a situation, as a rule, brings a lot of trouble to all its participants. A man finds himself between two fires and tries in vain to reconcile his two women with each other, and each of the wives tries to pull the man to her side and is ready to do anything to win him back from her rival. Pitch hell, and that’s all!

How is it that such situations often drag on for years? After all, strange as it may seem, but according to the observations of family psychologists, such “triangles” are sometimes amazing in their strength and longevity.

Reasons for the situation of “husband in two families”

A man's financial security Many rich men, tired of the family routine, take a mistress for their support, who subsequently gives birth to their children and acquires the status of a “second wife.” If a man provides well for both wives, then they often put up with the situation for fear of losing their financial well-being. Women's fear of loneliness Unfortunately, according to statistics, we have fewer men than women, so many women prefer to share a man with a rival for years, just so as not to be left alone. Inability to fight his feelings It also happens that a man lives in two families at the same time, because he is sincerely attached to both wives and cannot leave either of them, and both women, in turn, cannot live without him - so they suffer all three...

What to do if you find yourself a victim of such circumstances, and is there any way out?

First of all, all three participants in the “triangle” should take a realistic look at the current situation and understand what it can lead to - then it will be easier to make a decision. Such “connections” cannot in any way be considered as a positive phenomenon, since they, as a rule, bring serious problems and troubles to all participants:

Suffering and experiences Jealousy is a painful, humiliating and destructive feeling, and two women waging an endless war for a man simply cannot help but be jealous of each other! Acute conflict situations There are often cases when rivals lose control of their emotions, and the cold war between them turns into real military battles, even to the point of dousing each other with sulfuric acid - and this is already a tragedy! Children suffer in the situation Most often, a man lives with his legal wife and periodically visits his mistress, so illegitimate children may suffer from a lack of paternal attention, even if they are fully financially secure. In addition, children always feel when something is wrong in the family, and they worry no less than their parents. Shattered hopes No matter how long a man lives with two families, this cannot continue forever, and he will eventually have to make a choice between two women. And then one of them will find herself alone with nothing, with the understanding that her personal life has not worked out...

What to do in such a situation for all participants in the “triangle” can only be decided by themselves. Here a lot depends on the circumstances of how this whole love story perceived by a man and his women. If everyone is satisfied and happy, then there is nothing to talk about. In the end, everyone has their own opinion on family life and personal relationships.

But if a situation causes at least one of the participants in the “triangle” to suffer, it is advisable to quickly resolve it in one direction or another. And it would be even better, probably, if men did not cheat on their wives, and women began to bypass married men side!

“I live in two families, and I don’t know what to do in this situation!” were the first words of my friend.
Living in two families is not part of the myth about male polygamy, but a completely ordinary situation from our real life. This story is one of those that we regularly hear from our friends.

Women who find themselves in a similar situation are familiar with feelings of hopelessness, resentment and fear. And even those who are happily married have probably more than once listened to and reassured their girlfriends who complained about male infidelity, “instilled in them by Mother Nature.” We are accustomed to blaming a man and his masculine nature for many things. We have lived together for so many years, and the result is another family on the side, albeit not officially registered! But what brings a man to such a situation? What prevents him from making a choice?

There are many reasons. It is difficult to leave your wife because there are obligations to the family, fear of losing the affection of the children, fear that the new relationship will lose its charm. And there are many more doubts and fears that overcome a man facing a choice. The decision of which family to live in may not be made by a man for years. During this time, children grow up, the desire to change the situation fades away, and the habit of living in two houses arises. And it’s increasingly difficult to make a definite decision, because there are many “buts”. “But” is the eternal companion of each of us, we make choices every second, we just sometimes don’t notice it, because not all decisions are difficult for us. The decision to drink coffee or tea for breakfast may cause us momentary confusion, but it will be made in favor of what we really want. In situations of personal relationships, everything is much more complicated.

The hero of my story wanted to leave the family and even told his wife about this, but did not dare talk about it with the child. Do not rush to judge a man in such a situation! Talking to your own child can be the most difficult step for a man. A man is not only afraid of losing the affection and love of his own children, but he is afraid of destroying his own image of a “good father,” because good dads do not abandon their family. But adults sometimes do not understand that their children know or guess about everything that is happening in the family and, no less than adults, suffer from a situation of uncertainty. According to statistics, 11% of children in families with divorces get divorced in the future, and 8% of children raised in two-parent families.

Do you agree that the difference in percentage is not too critical?

What to do in such a situation? Is it possible to maintain relationships in both families?

Each of the participants in the “family drama” needs to decide for himself what I am ready for in such a situation. Do not deceive yourself with empty promises that a man will definitely leave the family because he loves you. Yes, he probably loves him very much, but his own fears have not allowed him to leave his wife and children for 5 years now. Don’t think that the man will come to his senses and return to the family, and everything will be the same as it was in the first years of marriage. Yes, it will probably come back, but for how long? Love relationships on the side, I emphasize love relationship, rather than sexual affairs, are unlikely to result from a happy marriage.

It is necessary to understand what we ourselves want and expect from a relationship with a loved one, then gain courage and voice our own wishes.

Where can love come from on the “field of constant battles”?

Don't put pressure on a man to make a decision. Give him time. If you are not satisfied with the fact that he “thinks for a long time,” it is better in such a situation to take care of your own life. Do not turn your inner world into serving one single “deity”, the man for whom you are “fighting” with your wife or mistress. In any case, you will lose, because the trophy may not be love for you, but the decision made by a very tired man.

The hero of my story made his choice, he left both families. His wife remarried.