Self-love: what to do if you are rejected. Self-love: what to do if you are rejected Being satisfied with less than they deserve

What qualities do you look for in your partner?

When I was younger, I preferred handsome guys with a good sense of humor. Now I'm older, I'm attracted to smart, understanding, responsible men. Now a potential husband for me is, first of all, a father.

I think most women think the same way. However, almost every girl dreams of marrying a guy who can give her everything she could ever want. This is why they tend to equate a person and his character with the size of his wallet.

There's a story going around the internet about a guy who was rejected by a rich man's daughter because he didn't make enough money to support her lavish lifestyle.

Ten years later, the two ran into each other by chance. And it changed their ideas about the world.

Read about a one-of-a-kind love story.

The poor boy was in love with the daughter of a rich man.

They met, he courted her. And one day, overcoming his embarrassment, he proposed to her. The rich girl rejected him in a mocking tone. She said:

“Your salary is equal to the amount I spend in a day. What do you think we will live on when we become a family? I can never live in poverty. So just forget about me. Find someone else on your level and marry her.”

Of course, the young man could not forget this humiliation.

About 10 years later, they met by chance in a shopping center.

The woman immediately recognized her ex-boyfriend and called out to him: “Hey, how are you? I am now married to a very smart man. He makes $15,700 a month! Can you imagine?!”

The guy, hearing these words, could hardly hold back his tears, but did not say anything.

A few moments later, her rich husband returned to the woman. But before taking his wife, he greeted her ex-lover:

"Sir? How are you? I see you have already met my wife!”

“Good afternoon, Mister...” he stuttered.

- “Mr. Carter, sir! It’s okay that you forgot...”

The husband then turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I want you to meet my boss.”

The woman was so shocked by this turn of events that she could not utter a word.

The man simply smiled and said, “I have to go. There are important things to do. It was great to see you today! Have a good day!".

And they separated.

Having recovered from the initial shock, the woman decided to clarify with her husband: “Is this your formidable boss?”

"Yes darling. He earned more than $100 million, but remained a very modest person. His life is said to be quite sad. I heard that he once loved a woman very much, but she left him because at that time he was a poor young man. He began to work long and hard and eventually achieved success. This is because he is very smart. Now he is a multimillionaire. But he was never able to recover from his grief at that time. And he’s still not married.”

She was in a state of absolute shock and could not utter a word...

Moral: Life is short. And your wallet is not yet your reflection. So don't be too arrogant or proud. Anything can happen.

"Unrequited" love can teach...

… maintain yourself and your self-esteem, love yourself in difficult conditions of rejection, without outside support,

… to be grounded, to be in reality, to see not only black and white, but also many shades of other colors,

… be present here and now,

… appreciate what is good in a relationship, every little thing,

… it’s good to see and hear your loved one, a real person, and not your fantasy,

… accept your loved one with all the shortcomings and weaknesses,

… sympathize, sympathize, show kindness and mercy,

… understand his real needs and expectations,

… take the initiative, take the first steps,

… expand the palette of feelings: even if these are negative feelings, they enrich the soul,

… live and withstand the intensity of emotions,

… express feelings through actions and words in order to be heard,

… appreciate the feelings of another,

… respect the boundaries, opinion and freedom of choice of your loved one,

… develop economic, practical, everyday skills,

… give, give, share, be generous,

… to be beautiful, athletic, fit, well-groomed.

To summarize, strong love that survives in the harsh conditions of lack of reciprocity will force you to overcome many limitations and fears, teach you to do for your loved one what you have never done before, and expand your palette of feelings and relationship skills.

Well, what if all this doesn’t help? If you are an ideal yourself, but the heart of your loved one remains closed to you?

As Frederick Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, said: “If the meeting does not happen, nothing can be done about it.” In any case, the relationship skills and wide range of feelings you have mastered in the experience of such love are your investments in yourself for life. They will stay with you and will definitely help you in a new relationship with a person who can reciprocate your love - with heart, body, mind, and with the words: “I love you.”

about the author

Psychologist, psychotherapist, conducts individual consultations, leads therapeutic groups.

The love triangle Alexander Blok - Lyubov Blok - Andrei Bely was especially difficult for the latter. And all, apparently, due to the fact that Andrei Bely was the most in love in this trinity. When Lyubov Blok unexpectedly rejected the poet, he almost went crazy. “I thought about her - the Mother of God, but she turned out to be a devil,” Bely would later say about his beloved.

Recently, Pravda.ru talked about the love triangle in the family life of the outstanding Russian poet Alexander Blok. Today we propose to take a closer look at one of these “corners” - the writer Andrei Bely. Symbolist Boris Bugaev worked under this pseudonym. “Women worried Andrei Bely much more than is commonly thought about him,” testified Vyacheslav Khodachevich, who knew him for 19 years.

We have already written about the background of Bely’s relationship with Lyubov Dmitrievna Blok and refer those who want to know to the corresponding note. Let’s finish this love story, which, according to Khodasevich, “played an important role in the literary relations of that era, in the fate of many people who were not even directly involved in it, and ultimately in the entire history of symbolism. Then there were also love and love in his life. quick passions, but that love remained through everything and on top of everything. Only that woman, her alone, did he really love."

The affair with Blok’s wife developed rapidly. After painful thoughts, Lyubov Dmitrievna decided to part with Alexander Alexandrovich, but on the condition that Boris Nikolaevich would certainly take her far away, preferably to Italy. All that remained was to inform Blok himself. Basic decency required doing this in person. Bely wrote: “The monstrous, tragic spring of 1906... I did not part with Lyubov Dmitrievna. She demanded - she herself demanded that I give her an oath to save her, even against her will. And Sasha was silent, bottomlessly silent. Or he tried to joke. Or he left drink red wine."

The conversation between two poet friends took place in the presence of his wife-mistress. According to Bely’s recollections, Blok at that moment, beautiful as Saint Sebastian pierced by arrows, said: “Well... I’m glad...” His wife shouted: “Sasha, really?...” Blok left the office, Boris and Lyubov burst into tears. “And outside the window black crows were cawing. They were cawing at our heads...” Boris Bugaev wrote down, hot on his heels. And how he looked into the water.

Bely categorically rejected Tatyana Gippius’s advice to switch to “life together” - menage en trois, which was conducted by her sister Zinaida with Merezhkovsky and Filosofov. He believed Lyubov Dmitrievna’s assurances that “Alexander Alexandrovich is not her husband, they do not live as husband and wife, she loves him brotherly,” and he, Borya, with true love.

To travel abroad, the lovers needed a lot of money, and Bely went to Moscow to borrow them. At first Lyuba hurried him in letters, then a series of declarations of love began, first for Blok, then for Bely. If earlier she loved her husband with brotherly love, now brotherly feelings were intended for Boris Bugaev. “Borya, I understood everything,” Lyubov Dmitrievna said in a letter dated March 17, 1906. “I love Sasha with true love. You are my brother. Borya, do you understand that I cannot change my first love?”

A month later, Lyuba sent Borya a letter in which she asked him not to come to their St. Petersburg apartment, citing Sasha’s upcoming final difficult exam. And although this was true, it did not in the least prevent Blok from continuing to visit drinking establishments of the lowest class and third-rate taverns. The poet stayed in them until the morning, and soon pleased first his friends - outstanding figures of the Silver Age, and later all Russian readers with his masterpiece - "The Stranger".

At the beginning of August, a letter arrived from Lyuba in which she refused to meet with Bely and forbade him to visit them. She asked not only not to come to St. Petersburg, but even to stop correspondence. On August 8 in Moscow, at the request of the Bloks, a meeting took place at the Prague restaurant. In the presence of two silent gentlemen, Lyubov Dmitrievna in the form of an ultimatum demanded the same thing that she had previously written about in letters - not to visit the Bloks, to get rid of the whim about a trip to Italy and stop writing to her. Bugaev flew out of the restaurant like a champagne cork.

Putting on a black masquerade mask, Bely received visiting friends in this form. He persuaded one of his friends to take Blok a challenge to a duel. Alexander Alexandrovich judiciously replied that there was no reason for a duel, and Borya “needed to rest.” Bely did not want to accept this turn of events and wrote to the Bloks, begging them to agree to any conditions, but only to allow him to see Lyuba again. “I swear that Lyuba is me, but only the best,” Boris cried. “I swear that She is the shrine of my soul; I swear that I have nothing but the shrine of my soul. To meet Lyuba in St. Petersburg (or wherever be that as it may) I am preparing as if for a sacrament.” The symbolists experienced love not at all symbolically, but in the utmost intensity and completeness. Femme fatale, duel, suicide, madness, etc.

The love of Tatiana and Evgeny is one of the main plot lines of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin's novel "Eugene Onegin". So why does Tatiana, still in love with Onegin, reject his confession at the end of the work? Let's figure it out.

How does Tatyana appear to us at the beginning of the novel? The narrator describes her as a young, dreamy girl, aloof and unlike other people around her. Her appearance cannot be compared with the appearance of her sister Olga:

“So, her name was Tatyana.

Not your sister's beauty,

Nor the freshness of her ruddy

She wouldn't attract anyone's attention.

Dick, sad, silent,

Like a forest deer is timid,

She is in her own family

The girl seemed like a stranger."

The girl did not do things typical of girls, either in childhood or in her youth.

She did not play with dolls, did not embroider, but only “passed the days of rural leisure in thought.” She was different. Too different, too distant.

"But dolls even in these years

Tatyana didn’t take it in her hands;

About city news, about fashion

I didn’t have any conversations with her.

And there were children's pranks

Alien to her: scary stories

In winter in the dark of nights

They captivated her heart more."

So, our Tatyana is a thoughtful, dreamy, timid and quiet person. In her romanticism, she is very close to Lensky. With her sister, they are like two sides of the same coin - Olga is lively, sociable, sweet and simple-minded. But, as the narrator notes, her image can be found on the pages of any novel; there is nothing special, interesting, or catchy about her. Such people quickly become “irreparably boring.”

In Tatyana, he sees the ideal of a Russian girl, much ahead of the canons of modern society at that time. It is noteworthy that Tatyana is one of the most beloved characters of Pushkin himself.

Its unusualness is noticed by Onegin in a conversation with Lensky after his first visit to the Larins’ house. He is sincerely surprised that Vladimir chose Olga over Tatyana:

"Are you really in love with a smaller woman?"

And what? - “I would choose another,

If only I were like you, a poet.

Olga has no life in her features."

Tatyana's love should also be special. By nature, she was then still so naive, so romantic and young that she easily fell in love with the sweet fairy tales of the novels she read:

“She liked novels early on;

They replaced everything for her;

She fell in love with deceptions

And Richardson and Russo."

And the girl believes that everything will be beautiful and romantic for her, as if in one of her books. She is already seventeen, she is already ripe for her great love!

"Her imagination has long been

Burning with bliss and melancholy,

Hungry for fatal food;

Long-time heartache

Her young breasts were tight;

The soul was waiting... for someone."

It was at this time that Tatyana meets Onegin. She saw in him the very ideal from her novels that she was looking for. The young man was unlike her other boring acquaintances and neighbors, with whom the girl had nothing in common. She plunges into novels with even greater ecstasy, because she has no one with whom to discuss all the experiences that are happening in her heart. With their help, she complements the image of Onegin with her fantasies:

"Lover of Julia Volmar,

Malek-Adele and de Linard,

And Werther, the rebellious martyr,

And the incomparable Grandison,

Which brings us to sleep, -

Everything for the tender dreamer

They have clothed themselves in a single image,

Merged into one Onegin."

All this leads to the fact that Tatyana is simply forced to admit to Onegin that she cannot do otherwise. But that's where the romance ends. Eugene rejects her; Despite his politeness and courtesy, despite his honesty, his words severely wound her. But even after refusal, Tatyana does not stop loving Onegin, because this is her nature, this is what she is all about.

"No, more than a joyless passion

Poor Tatyana is burning;

Sleep flies from her bed;

Health, color and sweetness of life,

Smile, virgin peace,

Everything is gone, the sound is empty,

And dear Tanya’s youth fades..."

It's amazing how strong love can be. Even after refusal, even after the tragic duel with Lensky, even after Onegin’s departure to St. Petersburg, Tatyana does not give up, she still tries to understand her beloved. As she grows up, she slowly comes to the realization that she has imagined the image of her lover herself, and therefore does not know much about him.

"... I indulged in reading

Tatiana with a greedy soul:

And a different world opened up to her."

However, it was after visiting the estate, after reading his books, that Tatyana understands that Onegin is not the person to whom she once wrote a letter, not the hero whom she invented.

"What is he? Is it really imitation,

An insignificant ghost, or else

Muscovite in Harold's cloak,

interpretation of other people's whims,

A complete vocabulary of fashion words?..

Isn't he a parody?

Have you really solved the riddle?

Has the word been found?

Years pass, Tatiana gets married and becomes a princess. Suddenly Onegin returns. At first he doesn’t even recognize her; how incredibly she has changed just doesn’t fit in his head:

"She was sitting at the table

With the brilliant Nina Voronskaya,

This Cleopatra of the Neva,

And, rightly so, you would agree,

That Nina is a marble beauty

I couldn’t outshine my neighbor,

At least she was dazzling."

The changes are not only external, no, Tatyana has matured. This is no longer the girl who could not contain her emotions while sitting opposite her lover:

"She has darkening eyes

Doesn't lift: flares up violently

She has a passionate heat; she feels stuffy and ill;

She greets two friends

Can't hear, tears from my eyes

They really want to drip; already ready

The poor thing is going to faint."

And yet, even in this indifferent princess one can see the old Tatiana. The way she feels pain from meeting Evgeniy, how sick she feels when talking to him - all this shows the drama of the situation without further ado. But the current Tatyana, even in such a situation, is ready to control herself.

"Hey, she! It's not like she shuddered

Or suddenly became pale, red...

Her eyebrow didn't move;

She didn't even press her lips together."

It was because of these changes that she refused Onegin. The young naive girl turned into a calm, wise wife, faithful to her husband. It is unthinkable for her to betray her husband, even for the sake of a man whom she still loves and has never stopped loving. Now it’s not a matter of feelings at all, it’s a matter of honor and dignity, devotion to family and oath. Therefore, even after Onegin’s confession, when he seems to repeat her desperate act from the beginning of the novel, Tatyana finds the strength to refuse him.

Being rejected hurts!

This is an unpleasant phenomenon, but by reacting to it, taking a healthy, active position, you can cope with it more easily, recover faster, restore self-esteem, regain motivation and continue to move forward.

Starting points

Know what to expect emotionally. Of course, the intensity of the reaction depends on how exactly you were rejected. You will (or will not) experience:

● physical symptoms, such as trembling knees, inability to speak, rapid heartbeat, a strong desire to run away (or vice versa - a feeling as if you are rooted into the ground), nausea, abdominal discomfort, insomnia, dizziness;

● emotional and mental symptoms, such as shock, inability to concentrate, lack of appetite (or vice versa - “ravenous” appetite), memory problems, foggy thoughts, fear, anger/rage, sadness/heartache, anxiety or panic.

These initial symptoms may or may not subside quickly, depending on the situation and the extent of your emotional involvement. Then one of the following happens:

● depression, lethargy, lack of interest in anything, increasing anger

● self-denial, despondency or increasing feelings of anxiety/panic

● longing (again, depending on the nature of the rejection - this usually only applies to relationships).

Emotions can change from moment to moment.

There are “good days” and there are “bad days” and emotions can easily change from moment to moment! When the positive feelings begin to outweigh the negative ones, it means you are on the right path to recovery. Help you cope with emotional swings Silva Method relaxation exercises, thanks to which you can calm down, even when everything seems gloomy and hopeless.

The main thing is to remember that “this too shall pass”! May you be comforted by the knowledge that everything is temporary. After all, the only thing that is constant in life is change! All good things come to an end, but all bad things come to an end too. If you do something you love and that brings you happiness (even if it's half-hearted at first), you'll soon feel better!

Love yourself! When you are suffering from mental pain, you need to take extra care of yourself. Do things that bring you pleasure, even if they make you happy only for a short time, it’s still better than no happiness at all! Spend more time with friends and family (when you're ready). Listen to your intuition (not other people's) about when you "need" to stop pining, "get over it", etc. Follow the call of your own inner wisdom.

Don't forget to take care of your physical health. Exercise more often (it's a great mood lifter!) and eat healthy (SAY NO to emotional eating and emotional hunger). Emotional stress puts physical stress on your body. Even if you don't like to cook, cook yourself something nutritious. Even if you don't like exercise, at least get outside and take a walk.

Take good care of yourself!

Raise your self-esteem and develop self-confidence. Your self-esteem and self-confidence can take a serious hit when you are rejected. It will be easier for you in this situation if you have goals!

● Make a list of goals that you want to achieve - this way you will see a specific area of work. Goals give you hope for a happy future. Define short, medium and long term goals.

● Immediately start working on a small goal. This will redirect your energy into taking care of yourself (instead of just feeling sorry for yourself), building a happy future, and increasing your self-esteem. Being active makes you feel better!

● Meditate: over sympathy; on being happy “here and now”; over the FACT that you are your own person and that you will be fine no matter who rejects you. Meditate on your goals using Silva Method visualization exercises and create a positive image of the future.

Life goes on

In addition to taking care of yourself, it is also worth assessing the situation so that benefit from it. Yes, benefit! Knowledge is the most powerful weapon against repetition of similar situations in the future.

Are you rejected constantly (maybe in many areas of your life) or infrequently? If you get rejected often, self-analysis will help you find the real reason this. Not to say “it’s your fault”!

However, you may unknowingly follow internal limiting beliefs and also unknowingly emit negative energy towards yourself, which is very quickly transmitted to others, and they react accordingly! So if you're constantly being rejected, you'll do yourself a big favor if you find out why it's happening.

Self-Awareness Can Help You Get Through Tough Times

Develop your ability to introspect during meditation. Listening to the continuous stream of thoughts in my head, pay attention to your speech when conducting internal dialogue, which reflects your habits, actions and words - and it's not just what you say, but also how you say it.

If you are getting rejected out of the blue and you have no idea why this is happening... again, some analysis is needed. If your other half "suddenly" asks for a divorce, perhaps you simply are not aware of certain problems, do not want to see them, or maybe you have not communicated correctly or not communicated at all. If you've been fired from your job, but you insist that you tried your best and "there was no reason for such an unfair dismissal," you may need to look at the situation from your boss's point of view. Perhaps he was influenced by some negative vibrations that you didn’t even know about!

Pay attention to what's going on in your mind, and what happens day after day in your life. Maybe you are not noticing any signs? Signs that something is going wrong? Remember this - this applies to both work and relationships. This will help you take charge of your life by making the best decisions possible (which is very empowering)!

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that everyone experiences rejection, not just you. Try to see the positive and the lesson in every situation, take care of yourself and stick to goals that inspire and motivate you! Emotional shock is a temporary phenomenon. You'll be fine.