The husband lived with his unloved woman for 36 years. Living with an unloved wife

We met, got to know each other, liked each other... You meet, get to know each other, have a good time and, it would seem, everything is fine. That's what it seems at first glance. After some time you decide to get married, everything goes according to plan...

The wedding, honeymoon, gatherings of newly-made relatives are already behind us. Ordinary, everyday family life began. It is she who shows the real picture of feelings. Unless, of course, there were initially doubts about the latter. And if there were, it confirms them.

By definition, you only need to get married to your own person (your beloved, the best - whatever you want). If at the beginning of the relationship you didn’t have such an opinion about the person, I have bad news for you.

As the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak said, touching on the topic of marriage and divorce: “Most people get married for any reason except one true one - to start a family.”

I can't help but agree with him. Indeed, many people register marriages because: it’s time (age), parents (relatives) insisted, the girl got pregnant, it’s necessary (like everyone else), parents promised to buy an apartment, someone has a promising business, this is how normal people do and so on - there are a lot of reasons, and they can be quite different.

So, normal people don’t do this - they don’t act like that. They seriously approach the issue of creating a family as a separate, smallest, but cozy unit of society. And this is accepted among people who are psychologically immature, unprepared, irresponsible for themselves and for their lives, infantile individuals.

If you are adequate, psychologically mature, mature and responsible for yourself and your life, then you will not get married just because: it’s necessary, your parents said it, everyone does it, etc. And, moreover, you will not strive to officially (and not only) connect your life with a person just because it’s good to be with him or even because there are no other candidates besides him. An independent and mature person is responsible for himself and for his every action, not to mention serious changes in his life. Infantile, frivolous, irresponsible and frivolous people are not capable of this - they choose what is simpler - and thereby shift their responsibility to others, allowing themselves not to think or worry about anything. But you still have to worry when problems start - and they, as a rule, start sooner or later...

What to do in this situation? Of course, blame others for everything! And again, shift your responsibility and your mistakes onto someone else. This is how psychologically immature people reason. Is something not working out? So of course, the wife does nothing (I have a less decent expression on my mind). Husband doesn’t earn money, drinks, goes out? Yeah, he turned out to be an idiot, who knew...

Closer to the topic - the described couple of examples are far from the only ones that exist, but they describe the essence - if something goes wrong, doesn’t work out, doesn’t work - then the only one who doesn’t do anything is you. And it’s the same with a moron - I don’t have the best news for such a person.

No one is immune from mistakes, wrong choices, or circumstances. No one is born initially as an absolutely mature, wise person, responsible for his life and himself. They come to this. Over time, but they come. And this time is different for everyone. Of course, there are those who don’t want to learn anything, don’t want to change anything and let everything take its course.

In the above situation (if there is one) there are two ways.

The first is to remain as you are, constantly shifting responsibility for your life to others, while not forgetting to blame them for all your failures, somehow try to move on with your life, constantly complaining and blaming everyone around you (the easier way, the usual for a person who is not ready to accept the truth as it is and begin to change).

The second way - which is also more difficult - is to face the circumstances and the truth, realize your mistakes, understand which decisions were wrong, what all this taught you and begin to change yourself and your life - slowly but surely. Strive to be an objective person who evaluates everything - actions, deeds, decisions. Become an adult, independent from other people, take an adequate and sober approach to everything, begin to take responsibility for your life and every action. Find courage and leave the unloved person, admitting your mistakes. Break off long-outdated relationships that bring nothing but negative emotions. You can continue the positive criteria for quite some time.

Everyone chooses for themselves.

But, returning to the topic of why you should not connect your life with an unloved person, I will continue.

Living with an unloved person means quarrels, scandals, grievances, omissions, unwillingness to develop and be better, constant reproaches, consolation in friends/girlfriends/alcohol, anger, hatred and everything that comes from this - everyone has different ways and manifests themselves to varying degrees .

If at first it was good with the person, but there were no strong feelings, the best thing you can do is to run away right away. Without looking back and without stopping. If you are “lucky enough” to stay and tie your life with this person, then a clearly unenviable fate awaits you. Everything is always good at the beginning. But there are no problems, none. But they begin later... When everyday life comes into force, the person no longer wants to try for you and shows his true face. But he doesn’t want to try and work on relationships for only one reason - there is no love. Most likely, both on his part and on yours. At least on one side - for sure. It was just so convenient. It was necessary...

And then the family life of two supposedly loving people begins to turn into hell. Not literal, but psychological. It’s possible that it’s also physical... It’s easy to determine - all sorts of bullshit begins (I apologize for the not entirely correct word) in the form of cheating / drunk / not working / yelling / nagging / hysterical / enraging and all the like. It's better to leave at the first sign. Immediately and forever.

This does not happen to people who truly love and strive to protect each other in relationships. They have warmth of feelings, care for each other, understanding, mutual support and, of course, true love. The real one, yes. It does happen (although it is much less common). They had it first. And it continues...

Of course, people who love each other have problems in their relationships, but... they love and appreciate each other, all problems, difficult tasks and situations are solved calmly and thoughtfully on both sides, everyone’s opinion is taken into account.

His own person, loved and loving, will value, cherish, take into account the opinion of his partner, love not only in words, but also prove his feelings with deeds (actions, whatever). And it is precisely such a person who is worth waiting for - consciously and meaningfully, without clinging to dubious individuals on the path of life.

Life with an unloved person is not a joy. This, I think, is known to most adults. I don’t know the author, but I really liked the phrase: “Now you are 20, 30 years old and you have found a person to live with - this is, of course, good, but think about when you are 50, 60 years old - will you wake up one morning with the thought that practically most of your life has been lived with an unloved person. Won’t you understand that you don’t love this person who lives and sleeps with you all the time, never loved and would not want your best to go this way? years?" Something like this - I don’t remember verbatim now, of course, but I think I expressed the thought. And one more: “Is the person who is with you now really your loved one or are you just filling the void with them?”

Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself such questions - it explains a lot, at least to yourself - accurately. After all, each of us knows exactly what he wants. Sometimes he does not pay attention to this or simply ignores his own desires due to circumstances.

Nevertheless, I think everyone can draw their own conclusion. And everyone makes their own decision - with whom to live, how to live and with whom to connect their lives.

Whether you have a loved one or not - the choice is yours. But people also make mistakes. You can't live without mistakes at all. The main thing is to understand in time, draw a conclusion and take appropriate measures.

P.S. Mistakes are not terrible, but their consequences and failure to take measures to eliminate them are terrible. They learn from mistakes. They are needed for further development and understanding of how best to act in a given situation. It's not so bad to make a mistake as not to understand it.

Always act as you want, draw conclusions, change for the better and be with the people you love.

Love is blind, you will love and...

Why do the feelings of two people who once loved each other change over time?

Often women complain about their husbands and their difficult fate - they don’t love their husbands, but for some reason they continue this relationship, they suffer from their own dissatisfaction, but they don’t want to change anything.

Why and why do women start relationships with men for whom they have no feelings?

Reason one: fear of loneliness

The fear of being alone, not needed by anyone, can be laid down in early childhood. There are many reasons: her parents divorced, and her father left not only the family, but also her life, her mother abandoned her or paid little attention to her, caring more about younger children, etc. Having become an adult, a girl will already subconsciously experience the fear of being abandoned, and in order to avoid this, she will be ready to start a relationship with any man who has met her in life.

All these fears lead to low self-esteem; as a result, it is difficult for a woman to believe that she deserves much more. As a result, she will not look for the man of her dreams (due to the absence of this image), she will be ready to give her heart to the first man who shows interest in her.

When you began to realize that you do not have any feelings for your partner, but are only trying to avoid loneliness in this way and therefore are ready to endure all this, then you must understand only one thing - this is your life and only you have the right to dispose of it as you wish, and if If something doesn't suit you, you can change everything. And the first thing you need to do is increase your own self-esteem.

Reason two: my friends and parents are fascinated by him

While caring about the happiness of our family and friends, we often forget about ourselves. By doing something in your life and constantly looking around and listening to the opinions of others, you are putting your happiness in their hands, and dooming yourself to a life without love. This is especially important if the issue concerns your personal relationships.

You should know that when choosing a partner for yourself, you will have to live with him, but not like your mother or best friend. Fearing that your choice will not be approved by those close to you, ask yourself: what will happen if you make your own decision? Will your relationship deteriorate? Then all these people never loved you, if you are dear to them, then they should respect your choice, accept your decisions, whether they like it or not. People are selfish by nature, it’s time for you to acquire this quality and start taking care of yourself.

Reason three: addiction

Alas, we live in a society, which means we all depend on each other to one degree or another. Dependence can be business, financial, housing, sexual, etc. When you allow a man who is unpleasant for you to pay for you, then he begins to control your life, you become for him a thing that he bought. If your choice is conscious, then you get what you were striving for. It’s worse when circumstances force a woman to get into such a relationship.

There is always a way out of any situation, only a few want to see it. If you want to change your life, determine for yourself what this addiction is. Money? Find yourself a job that will allow you to have financial independence. Housing? Again, find a job that will allow you to rent an apartment. General business? Separate your responsibilities or simply divide your business. The law of balance operates in nature - in one place you lose, in another you gain more.
Remember, you dreamed of something as a child, maybe it’s time to realize your dreams, and not wait for someone else to do it for you.

Reason four: revenge on your loved one

The desire for revenge is a powerful argument for ruining not only your own, but someone else’s life. You are not the first and you are not the last to have your heart broken and hurt very much, but is this a reason to further destroy your life and deprive yourself of the right to happiness? Maybe your loved one has realized everything and is ready to fix everything, but you stubbornly do not want to give either him or yourself such a chance, and continue to live with the unloved person. This is exactly the case when loneliness is your best friend, you will have time to understand yourself and understand what you want in this life.

Time heals any wounds - and when you are ready to meet new love again, it will certainly come. And your stupid “to spite him” will come back to you like boomerangs.

Reason five: loneliness is not fashionable

This was invented by women who themselves are unhappy in marriage, in this way they try to justify their own mistakes. Nowadays, an independent and confident woman is respected. Such women know their worth, and they are ready to wait for their real man.

Learn to love and trust, first of all, yourself. And then the people around you will also treat you with love. Loneliness is not always a bad thing.

Material - http://man-woman.com.ua

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“That’s how people live, and nothing…” How many people are consoled by the understanding that there are few happy families, that many live, some “out of habit,” some for the sake of children, some for the sake of at least some kind of organized life, some fear of loneliness?.. It hardly consoles, but holds back and stops many. The only question is what does it hold you back from and what does it stop you from? From a formal breakup - yes. In the obsession with the desire to give up everything and start over - yes, too. Sometimes. Does this worldly wisdom help to establish family life in an appropriate way? Hardly.

Of course, not all people find the discovery of a puddle from the Snow Maiden a tragedy. “Well, yes...” the man sighs, “romantic love is short-lived. Everything passes, but you have to live somehow.” And he lives, as they say, “without pretensions.” When two such “sensible” people come together, there really is no tragedy. They are satisfied with this state of affairs, they continue to respect each other, satisfy each other intimately, find a common language in terms of raising children and running a household - a prosperous family. One could even say: happy. It could... would. If you don’t know what happy families are like. If you do not have an internal, deep and clearly recognized need that cannot be overcome by any prudent considerations, to love, to feel that your love is perceived and to be loved (beloved). If you don’t have such a thirst, then nothing. What if there is one? If you know examples from life that refute the stupid, pompous self-confidence statements of “experts” that the period of romantic love is a maximum of three months? From life, but not your own, or maybe from your own, but “it didn’t work out”... Then all these “nothings” give nothing, don’t help, don’t hold back.

I remember the scene in the subway. Evening. There is an old woman sitting among the passengers in the carriage. Opposite her stands a thin, short-sized old man, about eighty. She holds his hand. He holds her hand in his. They drove in silence, did not wink at each other, did not chirp. They just held on to each other. But the way she held his hand and he held hers was so expressive!! It would be obvious to the most cynical look that this is not a habit, and not a reminder to “get on your feet!”, and not anything else from the category of everyday social psychology, but love with love unspent over all decades. It was clear from them that they loved each other tenderly, tenderly, with some kind of youthful trembling delight. They feel good. They are one flesh. Because they are unanimous. On their faces, on their hands, in their decrepit bodies - a reflection of love that had conquered death seemed to flow throughout everything.

What would it be like to see this for a person whose soul yearns for love, a person who has already convinced himself that “others live,” etc.?

So what now? - you ask. Should everyone urgently get a divorce, who doesn’t love their other halves, and start looking for “the one”? No, I'm not suggesting anything like that. The only point is that not everything is so simple. The question of how to live with an unloved wife/unloved husband may not arise for everyone, firstly. To do this, you still need to really want to love, and this is not typical for everyone. Not so many people are so eager, not so much to be loved, but to love, that they would put everything “acquired by back-breaking labor” on the line. So everyone won't rush. And secondly, the very posing of the question “how” presupposes the intention to live with your wife. The only question is the method. In the methodology of family life, if you like.

“Whether you are a rocker or a monk,” sings Alexander Gradsky, “you are soaked in a Soviet puddle.” As the great Soviet psychologist S. Rubinstein said, “ideology determines methodology.” The Soviet family was puzzled by the super-idea of ​​building a bright future and the “unit of society” was guarded by a system that, through the local party committee, called for order on spouses who put personal interests above public ones. There were fewer divorces, but this, like many other things in the USSR, was only supported by a false ideology and the power of the totalitarian regime (as they weakened, the family was also shaken), and during the perestroika period it all just splashed out, for decades plastered, rotten.

Often, in the desire to preserve the Orthodox family, one can notice familiar party-mestkom remnants. These are, to put it in the manner of Soviet workers in the ideological sector, “birthmarks of communism.” This is manifested not in preventing divorce (which in itself can only be welcomed), but in neglecting the feelings of lovers and the suffering of a soul yearning for loneliness: ah, these are passions!

Yes, passions. “Passion” translated from Slavic into Russian means “suffering”. Since when is it normal for a Christian to disregard the suffering of his neighbor?

Yes, the passion of the soul is the main reason for its loneliness. A pure soul sees God and cannot be lonely. And what? Does this cancel empathy, compassion, mercy? With the same assessment of the situation, the state of a person’s soul, his actions, different attitudes towards him personally are possible. Various are possible, but not all of them are acceptable in the spirit of the Gospel. St. Isaac the Syrian teaches that purity is “a heart that has mercy on all created nature,” and a merciful heart is “the kindling of a person’s heart for all creation,” his heart cannot “endure, or hear, or see any harm or small the sorrows endured by the creature. And therefore, for the dumb, and for the enemies of the truth, and for those who harm him, he offers prayer every hour so that they will be preserved and purified... with great pity, which is immeasurably aroused in his heart due to his likeness in this to God.”

If we look at family conflicts in this way, there will be no advice from the shoulder. Not in the sense that there will be no clarity, firmness, or devotion to the commandments. This is exactly what will happen. But there will be no cruelty, heartlessness, or contempt for a weak person overwhelmed by passions.

But still, How?

To fall in love.

But you can’t command your heart... but you can command. However, clarification is necessary here. In Greek, love is expressed in four words: φιλια <филия>- friendly love, ερως <эрос>- longing love (usually understood only as sensual love, but this is a superficial approach), στεργω <стерго>- ancestral love, and αγαπη <агапи>- spiritual love, love-respect, kind attitude, free love (of course, not in the modern sense, but as depending on volitional choice). Exactly the word αγαπη and was chosen by the Savior to fill it with a new meaning of spiritual love.

Photo by Kristina Litvjak/unsplash.com

If you think about it, all the first three types of love are also characteristic of animals: the friendship and devotion of animals sometimes causes admiration, their eros is not always reduced to generic activity, and selfless love for one’s own is worthy of imitation. In addition, all these three types of love are spontaneous. Eros arises suddenly, sometimes, between people who have known them for a long time, inspires them, ennobles them... or, conversely, pushes them to commit terrible crimes, but just as suddenly it can evaporate if falling in love does not develop into love.

Friendship is also a spontaneous feeling that encourages you to find yourself, your own in another and, conversely, to find it in yourself. It sometimes appears suddenly, sometimes it forms gradually and can also suddenly or gradually fade away. Not necessarily due to a quarrel. It’s just that relationships can exhaust themselves, and random meetings of old friends on the street will boil down to sincere, lively interest in how things are going, how relatives and mutual acquaintances are doing, sending goodbye greetings to the spouses.

Is love generic? Especially. It either exists or it doesn’t. Either a person loves his family, people, country or another community of which he considers himself a member: a professional community, a community of interests (fan clubs, for example), a party, etc., or not. He is ready to defend his community; any insult to one of “his own” is a personal insult for him. For the benefit of “his” circle, he is ready to work with enthusiasm. And if this generic love does not exist, but a person understands that it should exist, then he tries to portray it. Due to what? Nothing simpler. Love for “our own” in this case is portrayed through hatred of “strangers”. And it doesn’t matter who is designated as “strangers.” And the more diligently and furiously someone pokes himself in the chest with his heel, calling to “beat and save,” the more doubtful his sincerity. As a rule, such a person will not lift a finger to make his soul and the street in front of his house cleaner and more comfortable. And if he does hit, it will be for the sake of the same pose and political points.

All these types of love not only come and go against the will, but also manifest themselves no less spontaneously. The range of wonderful feats and horrific crimes generated by all three is colossal. Their common problem: idolatry. In sensual love, the desire to merge into a single whole subjugates everyone and everything, and what gets in the way is subject to destruction. In friendship, for the sake of preserving it, criminal solidarity is manifested, because “they don’t abandon their own.” In love for their people, they forget that other peoples also have the right to life, freedom, well-being, but... there is not enough for everyone.

As mentioned above, these types of love are spontaneous, and therefore cannot be commanded. But the Lord does not command to love sensually, does not command to be friends, does not command to love one’s homeland, family, etc., no matter how strange it may be to hear. He, using the word αγαπη , “a new commandment” gives us: let us love one another (John 13:34), because, as was said above, αγαπη , unlike the other three types of love, depends on our will.

This is love for God and man as the image of God. And not only to another person, but also to yourself. In God. This is both a gift from God and a task to man, because without effort on his part this gift will not take root. Moreover, the desire to love with this particular love will be constantly tested for strength. Through overcoming trials, love takes root and bears fruit over time. Love for God is known, as Father Vladimir Zalipsky said, through love for one's neighbor, and love for one's neighbor through humility.

Spiritual love is called upon to become a nourishing and stabilizing soil for any of the above three “spontaneous” types of love. Eros rooted in αγαπη focuses on the individual and remembers God, which prevents him from using the object of love hedonistically, on the one hand, and losing his head from crazy adoration, on the other. Friendship on this basis remembers the true good - the salvation of the soul, and therefore will not allow anything ungodly on the part of the friend, will not support him in evil, but will do everything so that the lost friend comes to his senses. Love for your people, homeland, colleagues, community, nourished from αγαπη , will not neglect the benefits of others, because he sees strangers first and foremost as people, putting himself in their place and respecting their feelings, resolving all conflict situations without losing human dignity, without trampling on justice and philanthropy.

If we return to our topic, then the method appears simple, although not without difficulty achievable: you can live with an unloved wife only... by loving her as your neighbor.

“With tears I ask and pray to you,” said St. Alexy Mechev, - be the suns that warm those around you, if not everyone, then the family in which the Lord made you a member.

Be warmth and light for those around you; first try to warm your family with yourself, work on this, and then these works will attract you so much that for you the family circle will already be narrow, and these warm rays will over time capture more and more new people and the circle illuminated by you will gradually increase and increase; so try to keep the lamp burning brightly.<…>

Only the Lord can embrace everyone with love, and therefore we can love everyone only through Christ.<…>

We must imitate the love of God. An opportunity to do good to someone is God’s mercy towards us, so we must run, strive with all our souls to serve another.<…>

A true and firm believer, entering into communion with the Lord, acquires Divine love. Families and states are united in communion with the Lord.<…>

Love is acquired through working on oneself, through violence against oneself and through prayer.”

It would seem strange to hear that love is acquired “through violence against oneself.” But all ascetic experience testifies to this. The reason for our internal resistance to Divine love is not so much in external factors as in our carnal structure, which opposes everything heavenly and holy. We tend to strive for natural love - erotic, friendly, generic, but we do not strive for spiritual love, because the earthly in us opposes the heavenly, the fallen - the holy. Only that which comes directly from God and in God is holy., because God is holy.

I remember once, a long time ago, long before my ordination, a good man and I were arguing about his excessively close relationship with my friend’s wife. There everything was already moving towards registration of divorces and a new marriage. It so happened that I accidentally found out about this and impudently intervened in their romance. The matter ultimately ended with the wife and husband reconciling. So, this man (we also became friends) proved to me that God is love and commanded us to love, and they loved each other, so I should not have inspired his beloved with the need to return to her husband. He talked a lot and beautifully. He said a lot of right things. I missed only one thing: the Lord spoke about love for one’s neighbor. And her No. 1 neighbor was her husband. Here he was, not very in harmony with her in a variety of ways, clumsy, harsh, uncouth in places, but it was he, by the providence of God, who turned out to be the closest to her, the one most in need of the application of love in all its aspects. It turned out that when she followed the lead of her sensual love, it was then that she trampled upon God’s commanded love.

Loving when “loved” is simple and easy, even if it involves enormous sacrifices. When a person acts out of love, without receiving “natural” impulses from within, this is where the field for the feat of love according to the commandment is.

Happy are those to whom God sent that one and only “other half,” and they lived a long life in perfect harmony, thanking God. Blessed are those whom the Lord has not blessed with this happiness, giving them the opportunity to succeed in love for Him and their neighbor.

Vika is very far away She married for convenience and moved to another country. He is 10 years older. He likes. Me not. I thought there would be some kind of mutual respect, but I can’t respect it, because... he constantly makes false promises, but does not fulfill them. He just eats, sleeps and climbs into bed. What kind of respect is there? I myself am on a pension after service, so it’s possible to go crazy. Endless house. I hate it. You will say that I need to get a divorce, but now the situation is such that I can only do this after a while. So I endure. I cry all the time. Sometimes fate drives us into such a corner that you don’t know how to get out.

Lisa Moscow We have been living together for 15 years and we are married. A marriage without love, it was just time. But overall they lived well, one might even say well. But she never loved him. It’s just that there was no time for it, the child was growing up, they were changing their place of residence, and other everyday problems. But the feeling that this was not my person did not leave me, I hoped that everything would be settled, settled down. He’s not bad, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t hit, he doesn’t offend, he helps around the house. And after sex, everything seems to get better in my head for a short time... But how hard it is! It’s hard because it’s her own fault, but nothing to do with the child. My daughter is a copy of my dad, how can I change something? How dare I? So I live with someone I don’t love. I started drinking slowly, it seemed easier. At times it’s generally good, everything is quiet and calm. And when I think that this is forever, then at least climb into the noose. If it were possible to remove emotional sensitivity like appendicitis, I would remove it. And I would continue to live with him, He is not to blame for anything.

Lyolik Earth What's love like? The instinctive program of an ape-like person is completed (they fucked, they produced children), it’s time to change the blood and get a new one. This is the law of nature. This way there is a greater chance that your offspring will survive. The concept of “love” is a means of manipulating people. And in this case, the author of the article (a feminist) uses this concept to promote her delusional ideas to the masses. I wish all the women who do not love their caring husbands the most severe financial crisis and louts who are not able to give them care.

Anna Kyiv They loved each other very much. The children were born early, they fled home right after school, and live in another country. The house was built... Everything should be fine. But somehow, after 40, my husband became irritable. I feel like I’m irritating him too. Master. Without crouching, he is always cooking something, cleaning the yard, planting plants, feeding the household... That is, he is fussing around in every possible way. Many will say, you fool, rejoice. But there is no joy and spending time together. On vacation separately.... Weekends - he is at home, busy. What about talking? He stays silent for days, or tries to convey news from Facebook to me. The TV was moved from the bedroom, so he followed the TV to the first floor. I didn’t have sex for I don’t remember how many months. But I don’t want anything anymore. I can’t get out of depression. Previously, I tried to shake him up, go somewhere together, go to the gym together. He says I don't want to. Then I started going to the gym myself and going to the mountains. And he doesn’t care where I am or what.

I’m calling, let’s go together, because little children don’t cry... And we’re only 43. I stopped considering myself next to him and a woman. Hands down. Loneliness. Angela Chelyabinsk

I can't stomach it all my life. I didn’t marry my husband out of love, out of stupidity, and I’ve been putting up with him for 30 years now. He’s unbearable, he’s eaten up like a hog, he’s stopped taking care of himself... he drinks 4-5 liters of beer every day and says that it’s hard for him to walk. He doesn’t like me either, but his youngest daughter is only in the 8th grade, that’s how we live, we fight all the time. Is this family. More details: http://www..nsf/publicall/2010-04-06-511635.html I read the article and the women’s comments. Once again I was convinced that it is not worth living for a woman and doing something for her, in response you will hear “I hate you” everywhere you look, wherever you spit, holy queens everywhere. No, I don’t want marriage, I don’t want a relationship either, I don’t believe in that in the modern world. I am divorced, raising 3 children, two 10-year-old twin daughters and a 5-year-old son. My ex-wife left for Moscow with her lover, leaving me the children (for this I am grateful to her), she was tired of her family, but less than two years later she began to ask to return, but only time has passed, let her continue to “rest.” I live for my children, and I don’t want any more relationships, I’ve had enough, and I don’t want to force my children to call someone else’s aunt mom, but they no longer have their own mother. The ex-wife is still begging for forgiveness and a second chance. Hatred of my husband and fatigue from my family, royal ladies, if only you had my childhood in an orphanage and my youth at 90 in Chechnya, you would have sung differently and prayed for your husband. You’re just too greedy and don’t know what it means to love and what family is.

Nadezhda Ekaterinburg My dear friends in misfortune. So I was always cheerful and lively, we met on a whim and stupidly signed up, pregnancy and everything cut me off from him, I hate everything about him, I’m very unhappy with him, at 26 I look 40, in the morning I don’t have the strength to get out of bed, at night there are tears and regrets that I was in a hurry... He’s not my man, and we’re different in all, but the baby adores him and I just can’t deprive him of his dad... This is how to live? And he walks around so indifferent , can’t get me off the couch, I’m tired of this, even if it’s a wolf howling

Olya Kraygorod I can't see him hear him

Albina G. Mozhga Dear women! How I understand you. I myself am 43 years old. I have been living with my husband for 21 years. We have three children. Anything happened in our lives. But after 40 years, apparently, a reassessment of values ​​begins. I suddenly realized that I no longer loved my husband at all. The crush that I had in my youth had completely passed. I am not happy about joint vacations or joint holidays. I believe that I will meet my happy love and leave my unloved husband. And I don’t care what my mother-in-law and all my friends say about me, I spent many years of my life on the unloved, I have not hidden my dislike for him from him for a long time. I also dream that he will meet a woman who will love him and he will love her. Then I will be calm for him and truly free.

Anna Ulan-Ude Girls, how I understand you all! I loved my husband very much, we’ve been together for seven years. Three daughters, but suddenly something broke in my soul and heart. I hate him!!! He infuriates me: how he eats, how says. I don’t want to sleep with him at all, when I kiss him, I want to turn away. I told him that I don’t love him and don’t want to live together. And he’s like a wallflower. I feel like I’m under his yoke! I want freedom, for 7 years of living with him, I have aged 15 years. I don’t know what to do, how to continue to live!

Balgul Nefteyugansk I hate it. .. I feel happy only in my dreams. Why do I live with it? Don't know.

Anna Moscow It’s much worse when you love him, but he doesn’t love you... I’ve been living with a man for 7 months, I love, I suffer, I cry, I drink afobazole and valerian... and he told me that love is too strong a feeling and he will never tell me won’t say “I love you,” like one way or another, I agreed, I thought, let deeds show love. Shows. But by deeds, not by feelings, he is sometimes gentle, sometimes aggressive and angry, I am sometimes scared when he comes at me with reproaches, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like in childhood, when I was punished by my parents for misdeeds. Signed. And so I think - how long will we be enough? He is good and wise, he is a man, not a wimp, but he is so cold with him... he won’t take kindly to him, won’t caress him with a kind word (he’s a man, not a woman), won’t regret it (there’s no point in pretending to be a victim)... then Whether he loves me, but shows his feelings coldly (man), or whether he’s just comfortable with me... I don’t know, to be honest. And, as luck would have it, there is also a discrepancy in temperament, at first everything is in the openwork, a lot and privately and hotly, and then... I’m not like that, I’m not a male, I need to be fired up, but I’m faithful, I don’t throw myself at others, with my dick I don’t think so... yes, it’s good, but I never kindled passion in a man consciously, everything was always fine without it, I hate it, I feel unpleasant, everything is somehow faked and my desire sometimes disappears in the end. When you are loved, probably easier than the other way around, when your heart cries, your soul suffers from not being loved, not being caressed... but the last sweet years are gone, before you have time to look back, menopause will come, and with it the age when there is no time for sleepless nights from hot love... So, you seem to like the man and he’s good, but it’s still not something. But you can’t find the ideal one, it’s not the same years, everyone has been married or divorced for a long time, disappointed in women or just revelers. I'll have to endure it as long as I can. And then again a divorce, most likely (before that there were a lot of rags)

Anna Ufa How many unhappy women while away their days with those they don’t love! My husband has been trading sex for computer games for a year now, he practically doesn’t see or notice his children, he’s not interested in anything at all except his games of tanks. Well, to eat at home. He doesn't even know how to love. I used to freak out at him and get angry. And now I have no strength anymore. I just try not to notice his presence. The children (two boys) also sat behind the tanks looking at him - you can’t kick him out. But I don’t have the courage to get a divorce. We are married. It’s a sin to leave your husband without a good reason. It's horrible. I roar at night. I want love, happiness. It definitely won't happen to him anymore. My mistake is that in my youth, when we met, I thought that that SAME feeling would come to him later, I liked him very much when we met. But there was some feeling of misunderstanding and somewhere deep down a feeling that something was not mine, something was missing. And everything was beautiful on the outside. He is handsome, and I am no worse. I set myself up that everything would happen and that true love would also appear for him. Almost 17 years have passed. Nothing appeared. Only the love disappeared. This is such bullshit. If there was love, there would be strength and desire to fight for the attention of her husband. And now there is no hunting. Don't marry without love. And especially don’t get married without checking your feelings.

Yana Kamyshin We lived with my husband for 11 years, he loved me very much and still loves me, and after the first divorce I was left with a small son, so I thought it would be easier for both of us, he’ll endure it... I gave birth to a second son, he’s now 8 years old, I can’t stand it, I talked and said that I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love him... but he doesn’t leave, he’s silent, he threatens to steal his son, he has nowhere to go, he’s not local... so we continue to live... I can’t sleep with him! WHAT TO DO?

Dana Moscow I don’t hate my husband, I don’t like him, what should I do? Help, I can’t leave, there are many reasons

Lizzi Inta Oh, girls, how hard it is to be with someone you don’t love. I didn’t marry for love, it was just time. We lived for 15 years, gave birth to two boys, and thought that if she could endure it, she would fall in love. Yes, I couldn’t stand it and didn’t fall in love. I got divorced, bought an apartment, and am renovating. He's furious, he suddenly remembered about the children. While the renovation is underway, we live together. What's ahead? But I can’t live with someone I don’t love anymore!!!

Fly Penza sorry

I really understand you girls, I have the same situation, we’ve been together for 10 years, 6 of them married... after the birth of a child and moving in with my mother-in-law, everything changed, as if he had been replaced. He became aggressive, irritable. There’s practically nothing for us to talk about. We live under same roof as neighbors. There is also nowhere to leave. And there is no love either....

Gulya Kazan I understand you all very much. I also don’t know how to live with an unloved husband. I hate him.

Madame Rome I live in Italy. My husband is older. My parents are in Ukraine, I can’t escape at all... my husband is not aggressive, he doesn’t hit me... but I haven’t had sex for 3 years now... just 0% passion... I look at him and feel sick!!! My son is 5 years old, I’m waiting for him to grow up, I’m still quietly learning English... I dream of disappearing and forgetting. It’s so hard. Such loneliness.

Elena Roshal Alice, I understand you. The same situation happened today. I told my husband that I didn’t love her and wanted a divorce. But there was nowhere to go, we were registered in the apartment together, and he was from another city. Now he is silent. Not talking. I don’t know how the next days, weeks, months or years will turn out (((((And there is no support. Mom is on her husband’s side.......

Elena Roshal Oh, girls. How hard it is to live with someone you don’t love and ruin your happiness and youth ((((I want a divorce, but he is silent like a fish on ice. We have two daughters, and I don’t want them to suffer because of my decision to divorce.

Galina Saint Petersburg I have no desire to enter into a new relationship with a man after 26 years of marriage! Cook, wash, clean again? No way! I want to be alone and live only for myself!!! this is real happiness!!!

Louisa Orsk I was in love with my husband, but I married him out of necessity. I don’t even know why. There was always a row with him before the birth of the child, he irritated me very much. Now our son is 2.5 years old. We don't fight like we used to. Far less. But my attitude towards him changed. I realized that I didn't really love him. The child has repressed all feelings. I feel tenderness for him sometimes, care, calmness, satisfaction, but this does not happen often. When I see him nervous and angry, and if he also swears, then I want to run away from him. Some kind of disgust. In bed before pregnancy, I was very active sexually. He was drawn away from me, but now I don’t want him at all. Became frigid. I don't like everything. There is nowhere to go. Parents in another country. We are renting an apartment. I don’t work because I have no one to leave the child with. Starting kindergarten only next year. In short, everything would be fine if he were not aggressive. I don’t even know where to go

She's Nantes I hate my husband’s whole life, I didn’t marry him out of love, out of stupidity, and I’ve been putting up with him for 24 years. He is unbearable, he doesn’t love me either, but we have adult children, that’s how we live, from the outside it’s a very prosperous family.

Nata Kraygorod And I divorced my husband and have been alone for 4 years, I don’t regret leaving him

Guest of Almaty I also have the same situation. 3 children, 12.9 and 3 years old. I haven’t loved my husband for several years now, I can’t say the exact date. To live or not to live for the sake of children? That is the question. He loves me, but I don't. Torment yourself, continue to live with the unloved, or break up?

Tatiana Kraigorod Everything is true, but our insecurity comes from poverty - there is nowhere to go

Yulia Kraigorod Good article. The main thing is that every word is true. I’m in a difficult situation now, I’m constantly thinking about divorce, I’m on maternity leave and I’m succumbing to difficulties, but there’s no love, it’s difficult, very difficult to live like this.

Alisa Kraygorod I agree with the author, it is unbearable to endure irritation every day at the sight of an unloved husband, but what if, after talking about divorce and loss of feelings, the husband does not want to leave, remains silent and waits, and I have nowhere to go with the children?

Zukhra Kraigorod that’s right, I don’t love my husband either, but for the sake of the child I live with him, I don’t know what to do...

Captain Nemo Edgegorod I hate my husband. But I have to live with this man...

Mar-sized Kraigorod Everything is written very correctly.

Igorich

Hello! There is no love for my wife, there are no feelings, there has been no sex for a long time, and I don’t want her as a woman. I don’t want to share anything with her, tell her anything, although she reaches out to me, tells me something funny, shares news, but it doesn’t matter what she says. Sometimes I hate her, I often become very irritated by her appearance or some questions. I went on vacation with the children for two months, I thought I’d rest and everything would work out, yes, the irritation went away, while I was living on my own, everything was somehow different, I felt happy, I wanted to live, to do something. And I realized that I liked it, I was so comfortable alone, I didn’t want any relationship, my soul sang, you might say.
And now is the day when they should arrive. I did the cleaning, washed the windows in the apartment, prepared a meal, hoping for the happy eyes of my wife, hoping that everything should change for the better. Alas, I didn’t appreciate it, everything is wrong, everything is wrong, and in general I don’t do anything like a man and that was the last straw... I said everything, I’m tired, I say, I can’t live with you anymore, I don’t see the need for you, I’m with you it’s bad, I’m getting a divorce, I say find yourself someone worthy, I want to live alone, I don’t need any women, I can completely take care of myself. I persuaded her not to get a divorce, at least for the sake of the children; my daughter loves me very much while we live together. I don’t want to go home from work just to avoid seeing her. There was a very strong hatred towards her. I myself am beginning to wonder whether she can really be satisfied with all this, can a girl continue to live when she is not loved, not noticed, not listened to. I don’t refuse children, I would also help, alimony... And she’s happy with everything, but in general I look at her and it seems like nothing is happening for her at all, as if everything is normal, as if this is how it should be. What do you say, isn’t this the end, is it possible to continue living like this? We've been married for 15 years together. Children: son 12 years old and daughter 3 years old.

Igorich

I am 35, my wife is 34. Due to frequent scandals, reproaches, disputes, I have ceased to be interested in asserting what I myself do not understand. The tone is orderly, commanding, most often when you are in a bad mood. “So, I got up and went to wash my cup,” for example. Gradually I came to understand that this is not a wife, a wife should not be like that. With my daughter, too, everything is in an orderly tone, the daughter herself is already beginning to copy her, giving orders, which makes her heart hurt, realizing that she is growing up like her mother.

Igorich

Now probably no, I think if a man can serve himself, there is no need for a wife. Temporary, non-binding meetings for sex and that’s enough. Lost faith in all women. It's like a consumable. I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in anything anymore, and I wouldn’t try to start a new relationship.

What do you think a wife should be like? And most importantly - what are your desires?

Anyway, I will answer your question. How much does a man need from a woman, but ordinary praise is already worth something, the best incentive for further deeds, a kind word is like a balm for the soul. Any kind words will warm your soul and make you want to idolize it. I was never fully listened to, my conversation was interrupted by other topics, which made me lose interest in telling her anything. And I really wanted her to listen carefully, just to at least pretend. Yes, you will make any request for joy if it sounds gentle and not an order. Here. Now I have become completely callous, cold, I no longer need any tenderness.

And most importantly - what are your desires?

The desire to separate peacefully. And as soon as possible, while she is young and beautiful, she can find herself a man. But I want this to be by mutual agreement. At the moment she is against it, she is not embarrassed by my indifferent attitude towards her.

Good evening. What is your main request to a psychologist?

The desire to separate peacefully. And as soon as possible, while she is young and beautiful, she can find herself a man. But I want this to be by mutual agreement.

You know, you can’t force yourself to be nice. It’s not for nothing that people say so. It is clear that such relationships are a burden for you. It is also clear that you need to work on relationships, and even more so after 15 years of marriage. From your messages, I see that a certain point of no return in the relationship has been passed, after which either the end of the relationship or long-term joint work on building new ones. Over 15 years, both of you have changed, and it happens that one of the couple is not ready for the changes of the other half.
I still hear notes of resentment towards women. But this will definitely pass when the one appears.

Igorich

Honestly, for me the ideal couple is the one who accepts each other as they are. And not the one that forces each other to change, why torture each other. Yes, you change, for a while, but for a long time you won’t be able to imagine yourself to others, everything will return to normal

Honestly, for me the ideal couple is the one who accepts each other as they are.

Igorich, of course it is. Working on relationships is possible and effective only if people love each other, understand that there are difficulties and are ready to do something together for each other.
When a child is born, for example, a lot changes in the family and the spouses themselves already acquire a new role. All changes occur intuitively, by themselves. The husband helps his wife, the wife helps her husband, without reproaches or accusations. But if someone is not ready for these changes, then misunderstandings arise. Over time, a very important thing disappears in such couples - respect. And in the absence of respect, everyone pulls the blanket over themselves.
There is also an answer in your topic title. Under what circumstances is life with an unloved person possible for you?