The man constantly complains and whines. Bores, whiners and complainers: people who are disappointed Is it worth dating a man who is a whiner?

Have you ever seen crying man? Perhaps you have seen it, but this is a rather rare occurrence. But there is usually plenty of whining.

Men whine, whine, are dissatisfied with everything: “Oh, it’s so hard at work. The boss is nagging, but on my way back, it started to rain so much that I was completely wet. And besides that, I’m hungry, and there’s nothing to eat at home, but can you imagine my colleague... etc. and so on."
Whining should not be encouraged. Even, one might say, it is impossible under no circumstances. There is no need to fall into the standard female pity: “My poor thing, you are tired, cold, no one appreciates my genius, because they are all stupid. It's hard for you. Come here, I’ll feed you and sympathize with you.”

Why shouldn't you encourage whining and how to do it?

The habit of whining is one of the main reasons for failure and inability to adapt to life. After all, what is whining? This is focusing your thoughts on the failures of your own or others, instead of focusing on your goals and plans.

Accordingly, a person cannot achieve anything significant in life through his own efforts and ceases to believe in himself. And the consequence of this can be disappointment in life, cynicism, constant lies, illness, and even alcoholism and drugs.
In addition, living with a person who constantly complains and whines is very difficult. Therefore, if you have such a problem, then it makes sense to pay some attention to it.

How to do it? Here are some working tips on this topic.

Turn off your listening skills.

The skill of listening carefully to a man (and not only) is generally very valuable and can bring a lot of benefits in family life. This skill involves actively encouraging the other person to talk about themselves. You need to ask some specific questions, paraphrase, take a certain position, make eye contact, etc.

However, it is important not only to be able to actively listen to your interlocutor, but sometimes also to be able to actively “not listen” to him. If your man starts whining, then there is no need to keep the conversation going. Do not ask leading questions, do not paraphrase your interlocutors. Don't make eye contact and turn sideways, maybe even do some cleaning or some super important, urgent chores.

After some time, the man will begin to speak less and less emotionally and quite often stops talking. It's time to move on to the second appointment.

Change the conversation to another topic or start talking about yourself.

Perhaps you have been told that it is rude to move the conversation to other topics when the interlocutor is talking about something important to himself? Ugly. I agree with this. When my wife tells me something, it’s rude to change the conversation. And I try to listen to her carefully.

When you change a man’s conversation, especially when he tells all his complaints and unnecessary things, then, in my opinion, turning the conversation to another topic is quite ethical, beautiful, and most importantly, reasonable.

It is also important that in 90% of cases this is not difficult. Just ask a question on a different topic, that's all. It is advisable, of course, not “Have you taken out the trash?”, but a question regarding his goals or hobbies.

You can just start talking about yourself. After all, listening to others a lot is harmful, it tires you and prevents you from concentrating on your thoughts. You also need to be able to tell about yourself. So start talking about your business and interests. If a man doesn’t know how to listen, then it’s time for him to start learning.

Tell him directly that you are interested in his deeds, not his excuses.

Or say that you are tired of a particular conversation and you want to talk about his goals, about yourself, about raising children, etc.

It happens that translation to another topic does not work. The man returns again and again to his petty grievances, excuses, constant discussions of some rumors, etc.

Then you can talk directly to the man and tell him that you are not interested in talking about certain topics.

For example, a man constantly talks about some disasters and murders that he watched on TV. You can directly say and repeat that you are not interested in disasters. There’s nothing you can do anyway, and you’re not interested in chewing the same thing several times.

Or, if a man constantly whines about work, then you can say something like this: “Darling, I realized that at your work there are only people who do not understand you, who do not appreciate your genius. I am no longer interested in this. Better tell me what you are going to do.” do with it."

Forget about sympathy and help.

This point, due to its importance, needs a special article or even a series of articles. The only thing I would like you to remember is that by sympathizing and helping a man, you make a loser out of a man who does not feel an ounce of gratitude towards you and will leave you at the first opportunity (will cheat).

In fact, a man doesn’t need to give and borrow money, he doesn’t need to give up his hobbies and devote his career to him, he doesn’t need to help him get dressed, he doesn’t need to sympathize with him if he gets hurt or fails. (If only just a little, for example, if there is a fracture, or a major failure). I could cite a dozen more things that should not be done, but I think the general meaning is clear.

It is better, for example, after a failure (when the man comes to his senses, of course) to say that you believe in him. Shift his thinking to the future, let him be alone, periodically give him some tasks, etc.

Ask about what he actually did during the day.

It rarely happens that a man does nothing at all and does not strive for anything. He usually does something at work and at home. Some things work out for him, and some things he doesn’t. Ask more about his affairs. Particular attention should be paid to new things or changes, where the results may not be great, but the difficulties are significant.

That, in fact, is all the advice. What more can be said? The habit of whining in a man is precisely a habit, often instilled from childhood by overly compassionate mothers. But to some extent, this is even a habit of two people. A woman has a habit of listening to whining, feeling sorry and sympathizing, and a man has a habit of whining. With all your desire and the desire of a man, she will not disappear in 1 day, even if you give her all your attention.

Therefore, these tips can, of course, be used occasionally, to interrupt a specific conversation. But it’s best if you devote a month or a month and a half to this. Get used to talking about yourself and your affairs. About what you want, what you dream about, how it can be done, etc. Value yourself and your life more, don’t encourage a man’s whining and don’t be a “mommy.”

Most of us have traits that can annoy others from time to time. In the same way, your boyfriend sometimes turns from the man of your dreams into a terrible bore whose girlfriend you wouldn’t wish on your enemy.

Boring type

Excessive pedantry is a characteristic feature of those young people who had to grow up early. These are a kind of “Uncle Fedora” who became assistants to their mothers, playing the role of comforters and advisers for them. They only felt loved and valued when they could provide mature, intelligent support. And now they project onto others the image of their mother from their childhood, for whom they were obliged to solve problems. In the psychological game “Persecutor - Savior - Victim”, boring men always try to play the role of the Savior. They are unconsciously looking for a Victim who will need their wise guidance and whom they will teach. Sometimes such help seems excessive, even persecutory, especially when the Savior is too persistent in his “teaching.” In this case, don’t be afraid to tell the bore “Stop!” Thank him for the advice, tell him that you value his opinion, but you will make the final decision yourself. He may be slightly offended for a while, but if you act firmly enough and stick to your decision, your relationship will gradually improve.

Be happy!

Psychologists say what to build strong relationships With a bore man, or other most dangerous psychological types of men, a woman who is ready to put responsibility for her life on someone else’s shoulders and does not want to think and act independently can. However, if for some reason the man also needs support, and the girl cannot provide it to him, their union may crack.

I cry and sob

Psychologists note that for such people to be dissatisfied with something is a normal physical reaction to external stimuli, which originates from childhood. This person’s inner child is crying not because something terrible happened to him, he just needs emotional release.

Whining men, as a rule, grow up in families where the father is absent either physically or psychologically. And the mother is overly caring, trying to protect her son from all problems as much as possible. And at the same time, she is very anxious and, perhaps, even slightly jealous of her son’s attempts to do something on his own. Mother and son are in a kind of symbiosis, in which by default the roles are distributed as follows: she is strong, smart, caring, and he is the one who takes this care and needs it. Growing up, a man seeks relationships that are familiar to him from childhood.

Unfortunately, the whiner never managed to grow up. And I didn’t learn to take responsibility for my life. He cries, whines, as if Small child, desperately in need of a caring mother who should help him cope with this difficult life. As a rule, in a relationship such a man takes the position of the Victim. And she always needs a Savior. A girl who is not ready to just support and be a kind of muse for her beloved, without asking for anything in return, is unlikely to be able to stay with a whining man for a long time. Even if he charms her with his sensitivity and sentimentality at the very beginning of the relationship. But if it is more important for you to love yourself than to feel strong next to you male shoulder, then your couple has a future.

Will not forgive!

Everything is great with you until suddenly something happens. But what this “something” is and why it hurt him so much, you have to guess for yourself. Perhaps later your loved one will tell you what not to do so as not to offend him in the best feelings. But this will happen later, but for now, for several hours you will see the dissatisfied face of your man and hear only one answer to all questions - “normal.” And also suffer from a lack of understanding of what in your behavior he didn’t like so much.

Excessive isolation in conflict situation, reluctance to talk, as well as a gloomy appearance, most likely indicate that he lacks attention. Often this behavior can be a completely conscious manipulation. Your partner's resentment makes you feel guilty, and you are ready to give your warmth just to cope with this unpleasant feeling. The causes of excessive touchiness, like many other problems, are in childhood. Perhaps the parents were restrained in expressing their feelings and rarely praised their little son, each time preferring not to notice that he was trying to gain their attention with the help of resentment. And instead of loving himself and accepting him for who he is, it becomes very important for the child how others evaluate him. Not getting what he wants, he accumulates annoyance at the whole world, which he adult life demonstrates at every opportunity to those who could not give him enough attention and love.

The little boy in the grown man is too afraid to ask for something openly and experience his own failure, and suddenly he will be rejected. Therefore, resentment becomes, albeit strange, a way of communicating with the outside world and your partner. Those who are often offended often believe that they are underestimated and need constant confirmation of their own importance and praise. Such a man is pre-set to have a negative attitude towards himself. He can himself initiate situations in which he will feel rejected and unrecognized, receiving a kind of masochistic pleasure from this.

Another common cause of resentment can be unmet expectations. Your man expected from you, for example, an invitation to a party or to visit friends and, not receiving it, with all his appearance he demonstrates universal resentment. He sincerely believes that you, like many others, should have guessed about his desires.

If a young man is overly touchy, then you should be patient in communicating with him. Praise him for his achievements and successes, but avoid comparisons with others, for you the best is he, and only him! Try to find the “golden” mean between constant admiration and avoidance of provocations on his part. Switch a man's attention from problems to the positive aspects of life. Show him that talking about grievances may not be so scary and dangerous! And at the same time, do not forget about your own feelings in communication - do not make excuses and constantly apologize where you do not feel guilty.

It is believed that a man should be stronger than a woman in everything, and should protect and defend his chosen one. But what to do if a man whines endlessly and needs protection himself? Let's whisper?

How to recognize a whiner

Sometimes a man’s complaints are caused by real problems - the death of a loved one, dismissal from work. The bad streak can last quite a long time, and the wife needs to help her loved one overcome the difficulties that have arisen. But more often than not, complaints are ordinary whining, which should serve as an alarm bell for the spouse. So how can you distinguish a whiner from a person in a difficult life situation?

The first sign. A whiner is always dissatisfied with everything. Government, work, weather, food, health. Even if he receives a good salary, he has loving wife and wonderful children, such a person considers his life a failure.

Sign two. He constantly presses for pity. Whiners are natural manipulators who achieve what they want by putting pressure on the emotions of others.

Sign three. You have to spend a lot of energy and effort to console your man. You can no longer fully feel like a woman, because it is you who become the head of the family, and not your spouse.

Sign four. For all the problems of a whiner, it is not he himself who is to blame, but those around him. At the same time, every minor problem in the whiner’s mind is inflated to enormous proportions.

It happens that a man’s behavior changes due to loss of ability to work and acquired disability. He begins to feel flawed and dependent, which is why he often complains about life. This is a difficult situation in which it is necessary to consult a psychologist.

If your loved one is healthy, but does not stop whining, you should think about whether you need to waste time on such a person. Whiners can turn their spouse's life into a real nightmare, and re-educating them can be problematic.

Roots psychological problems always lies in childhood. People who grew up without a father have a tendency to whine. And the mothers of such people often overprotected the child.

Should this behavior be encouraged?

The answer is clear: No! How more woman feels sorry for her husband, the more he begins to whine. Over time, whiners often hit bad habits, because alcohol is a way to temporarily forget about life’s disappointments.

By endlessly wasting energy on supporting a person, you yourself will become exhausted and angry. And anger, as we know, leads to quarrels.

A whiner, accustomed to blaming others for everything, will soon begin to blame you too. It doesn’t matter how much care you give him and how much you strive to support him, sooner or later you will still find yourself guilty of his troubles.

A strong man will be ashamed if he evokes pity from his wife. A person who takes advantage of your pity is unlikely to be decisive and independent.

Another problem for couples in which the man has a tendency to whine is the lack of sex life. After all, a woman begins to perceive her partner as a boy who needs to be taken care of, while in the eyes of the whiner she herself turns into a mother, and not into a passionate lover.

One of the mistakes women make when dealing with whiners is competing in complaints. The logic is simple: “Are you doing well? And look at my problems." This kind of behavior in relationships usually ends badly.

How to stop a man from being a whiner?

Here are some tips from psychologists for those who want to retrain their partner to whine:

1. You are a woman, and you must show your husband that you are weaker than him. If he starts to whine, say that you are very sorry, but you cannot help, because you have less strength and cannot cope with such difficulties. This behavior lets a man know that he must solve problems on his own and not rely on you.
2. Ask how your spouse plans to solve problems. Support him, but don't feel sorry for him. “I know you are strong and you can handle it” - support. “Of course, they are all to blame, you can’t fix anything” - pity.
3. Share your joy with him, praise him for his positivity. Let him know that happiness attracts you much more than endless sadness.
4. Listen to him. Maybe he really has poor health, and should I see a doctor? If he complains about your actions, then think - what if you really are not always right in your behavior?
5. Nothing helps? Ignore. Don’t be fooled by provocations, don’t keep talking about how bad everything is. Your partner will soon realize that sharing complaints with you is useless.

Whiners are one of the most dangerous male psychotypes. They know how to hurt their loved ones and skillfully use it. And if you can’t rehabilitate a whining man, maybe it’s time to say goodbye to him and start living for yourself?

He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman.

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He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman. Who does it call? Yes, from anyone you meet, not to mention your loved ones. According to archetypal ideas, a man should be strong, smart, insightful and preferably an alpha male. All this is wonderful. But, meanwhile, the “male whiner” type is alive, well, and has no intention of disappearing.

There cannot be an equal sign between whining and real powerlessness, the inability to accomplish something. Whiners are capable of moving mountains, making a career, and traveling. And at the same time - complain to everyone about your hard lot. And no matter what they say, whiners lack two things: self-irony and faith in a happy ending.

Whining is not a sign of self-doubt. This is self-pity, the beloved, who is the center of this fragile and unreliable world. But even whining can be done in different ways.

Type one. Common whiner

His principle is simple: you can’t keep whining to yourself, it’s exhausting. His whining is a normal physiological reaction to external stimuli: a frosty morning, cold coffee, a reluctance to leave the house. Anything can fall under distribution. With his grumbling, the whiner seems to be describing the world. But with purely negative characteristics.

How to communicate. There are two traps that you can fall into when communicating with an ordinary whiner. The first is to behave unnecessarily rudely with him. That is, scold for whining. The whiner will climb into his cozy shell and start with new strength feel sorry for yourself. Or even pour out your regrets on your more kind-hearted fellow citizens. The second trap is to delve seriously into the whiner’s problems and try to provide him with real help. The whiner's difficulties are most often of a metaphysical nature: I chose the wrong specialty, I have no real friends, I'm so lonely... That is, problems for which there is no one to blame but myself.

That he is, in principle, very pleased with the arrangement. The longer and more complaining the whining, the less likely it is that the whiner is going to change anything in his life. In other words, there are no real difficulties in his life.

Therefore, there are only two ways to deal with an ordinary whiner: ignore him (in terms of breaking off all contacts as quickly as possible) or create real difficulties for him. One day we had to take with us mountain hike classic whiner. About which it was known in advance that complaints about an unfulfilled life were his signature number. We took him not without apprehension, wondering what we would do with him in the middle of the road if he suddenly collapsed from self-pity. But miracles! - our whiner, as soon as we left the threshold, became unusually caring - and with everyone at once: he ran for water, made sure that no one was tired, distributed vitamins and redistributed the load. And I won’t tell you about how he became a whiner again, as soon as we returned home, so as not to disappoint.

Type two. Whiner-Cassandra: “Well, I warned you”

As you know, Cassandra was able to predict only the bad. Good news is not her role. The classic “Cassandra” of modern times is Gromozeka from cartoons or books about Alisa Selezneva and the 21st century. The Cassandra whiners choose the postulate as their motto: “No matter what is done, everything is for the worse.” Therefore, as soon as the slightest trouble happens, a whiner of this type begins to become a nightingale: after all, I warned you! Why didn't you listen? Now blame yourself! And if in case of minor troubles such behavior is rather amusing, then in case of large ones it can be very infuriating.

As evidenced by his whining. He lacks attention. He lacks respect from his interlocutors and attention to his expert knowledge. Grandmothers behave exactly the same way when they tell you: “Have you caught a cold? It’s because you didn’t listen when I asked you to put on your hat.”

Type three. Whiner Peacock: “I’ve suffered so much, let’s have sex”

He is courageous and immediately attracts attention. But on the very first evening of your acquaintance (after the third drink, after the twentieth joke) he will dejectedly rub his stubble and confidentially tell you about his troubles. He is able to present his numerous walks on the rake as an exclusive life experience. You will have to listen to how his first wife left him, what failures he suffered after that, how he once ended up in a sobering-up station, and how yesterday he got into a fight with his boss, whose beefy, smug face was begging for a brick.

As evidenced by his whining. This whole epic about suffering is nothing more than his favorite form of self-presentation, an attempt to press for pity. Most often, women's pity for such men is expressed in instant sympathy and the desire to become a mother and savior to the sufferer. Well, in the future, good sex in the next few hours.

How to communicate. Don't take this bait. Otherwise, after a while you will have to witness how he ended up in the sobering-up center again, which best friend turned out to be a scumbag, and that the boss’s face at the new workplace again asked for a brick of news. And after some time, he can be found in the company of a girl you don’t know, reciting a text about how he suffered and what bitter experience he learned from it.