I hate my sister: what should I do? What to do if your older brother hits your younger sister. What to do if your little sister.

When you youngest child in the family, you must listen not only to your parents, but also to your older brothers and sisters. Sometimes it makes you feel like you are being commanded. This feeling leads to dissatisfaction, complaints and protest. However, what if we look at the situation from the other side?

There are a lot of things that yours has encountered elder sister, but which he does not consider necessary to talk about.

1. She was brought up in stricter conditions

First child. The only one in the family for several years. Your mom and dad were just starting their parenting journey. They imagined how and what to do, but didn’t know exactly. In such cases, the fear of making a mistake is great. Hence the clearer rules and stricter control. By the time you were born, your parents had already learned a lot and became more flexible.

2. She always heard “You’re older”

The older sister should be smarter, although I want to be capricious. You have to give in when you want to be mischievous. That's what parents say all the time. And she herself understands this very well. Because from childhood he knows what responsibility is.

Responsibility for little lump, which was brought from the maternity hospital and in which you cannot make noise so as not to wake up. Then there is responsibility for the little devil, who needs to be led into the garden. Then responsibility for a smart first-grader who is slowly getting ready for school... For a third-grader who doesn’t want to do her homework... For a seventh-grader who skips classes... And many others “for”.

3. She tried to be a good example for you.

Your older sister was forced to act differently from her peers. Already at a young age I learned to weigh my decisions and actions like an adult. Because I knew you looked up to her. We can safely say that she was not the only one who influenced your upbringing. But you also influenced her personality, motivated her and forced her to become better.

4. Sometimes it was difficult for her to resist your “thorns”

Difficult moments with your parents, problems at school, quarrels with friends - your older sister dealt with all this herself. She wanted to help you and shared her experience. Sometimes it seemed intrusive, boring and annoying, you were perceived with hostility and were accompanied by rolling your eyes. But your sister tried not to pay attention to it and continued anyway to protect you and help you avoid trouble.

5. She knew you had to make your mistakes.

The sister gave advice and shared her experience. However, I understood that you had to go through some situations yourself. At such moments, she observed, did not interfere, and allowed events to take their course. But she was always, always there to support, lend a shoulder and console in difficult times.

6. She helped your parents understand you.

Sometimes I had to be a link and act as a mediator. Even when you were wrong, your older sister became a mountain for you, explaining to your parents the reasons for your not very good behavior.

7. She was worried when you suddenly grew up and started dating boys.

As you grew into a teenager, your older sister gave you tips on how to talk to guys, do makeup, and put things together. She answered questions that were awkward to ask parents. On the one hand, she was glad to see your loving eyes and happy face. On the other hand, I was very worried that someone might break your heart.

8. She had to be tough

Sometimes it seemed like your older sister didn’t give a damn about your problems, that she was teasing and making fun of you for her own pleasure. However, this behavior was used as a means of motivation when you needed to concentrate and gather your strength. This strategy was much better at helping with this than pity and persuasion.

9. Sometimes she was completely confused

Your older sister tried on different roles. She had to be a teacher, a friend, a bodyguard. She had not learned this anywhere and did not know how to act in this or that situation. But despite this, she always pulled herself together.

10. She is always ready to help you

Big Sister is happy to be the first person you call in an emergency. She will selflessly come to the rescue and will try to solve the problem as her own.

She had a great influence on your upbringing and development of you as a person. She loves you with a love like no one else in this world. You are not only relatives. You are not only friends. You are both, combined. Forever. Appreciate your big sister.

In a family where there are brothers or sisters, there is always rivalry. If you're the older brother in the family, chances are you're irritated by a lot of your little sister's behavior. Younger sisters are often very annoying. In some cases, they are still learning how to behave properly. Sometimes their behavior forces you to act on your own. Luckily, you can learn a lesson from your sister's annoying behavior because you are her role model. Respond intelligently to your little sister's annoying behavior and praise her when she behaves well. You'll soon find that her behavior doesn't annoy you as much and you'll be able to enjoy your brother-sister relationship.

Steps

Handle conflicts wisely

Communicate as calmly as possible. When you have any conflict with another person, it is best to distance yourself and wait for some time until the anger and frustration passes. Most likely, at this moment you will not be able to communicate normally and will only worsen the situation.

Express your feelings and emotions using sentences starting with “I”: instead of saying, “You’re such a brat!” or “When are you going to leave me alone?” say, “When you do that, I feel disrespected and get upset. You hurt me. Would you like it if someone hurt you?” This way, your sister will understand how her behavior affects other people, and this will teach her to remember the consequences.

Listen to your sister's opinion about the situation. How does she experience your conflict? Even if you still don't agree with her point of view, you will understand how she perceives the situation and can come to the right decision.

Remember how you felt when you were your sister's age. Have you always been calm and rational? Or did you also constantly do funny and funny things? Do you think you have ever irritated others with your behavior? Do you remember how you felt when people you loved treated you rudely? Remember that your little sister is still developing and it is necessary to be patient as she is still learning how to communicate with people. The more understanding you show, the faster she will learn to behave, and the less she will annoy you.

Think about what motivates your sister. If you want to influence her behavior, you need to understand why she does what she does. It may not seem like it, but your sister looks up to you. She wants to spend time with you and know that you love and respect her. . If you show her this, your relationship will gradually improve.

Tell your parents (or guardians) what is happening. If your little sister is constantly getting on your nerves, seek help from an adult.

Set your expectations. Explain what will happen if she doesn't do what you ask. And tell me what will happen if she does this.

• If you don't want your sister to come into your room without knocking, tell her: “This is my personal territory, and you must respect it. If you come in here without knocking, I will tell your parents about it and I won’t play with you in the evening. But if you respect my territory and knock before you come in, you can sit on my bed on the weekends and we can play any game you want.”

1. Keep your promises. If you promised your sister some reward for a certain action, be sure to give her that reward if she behaves accordingly. On the other hand, if you promised negative consequences for her disobedience, do not forget about them. If your sister expects you to deceive her, she will most likely not listen to you.

   • Plus, it means you should stop saying things like, “If you don't leave me alone, I'll never talk to you again!” Your sister is well aware that at some point you will have to talk to her, so your threat will be completely pointless, and your sister will definitely not listen to you.

2. Praise her for good behavior. This is especially important when your sister behaves well, even if you didn't ask her to.

   • If your sister has been good all evening and hasn't bothered you, tell her, “I really appreciate that you found something to do and didn't distract me today. Thank you, it was very cool." Give her a high five or take some time to play with her. This will mean to her that you have noticed her good behavior and she will want to impress you again in the future.

3. Distance yourself from bad behavior. Say, “It's okay if you feel upset sometimes, but I can't talk to you normally while you're acting like that.” And then calmly walk away from the situation. This will have a much more effective effect on her than screaming at her to leave you alone. At first, this can lead to hysterics, because your sister will desperately fight for your attention, and irritation is the easiest way to get it.

   • Don't leave your sister unattended if she's very young, but don't try to calm her down or talk to her if she's screaming or kicking. A negative attitude is also a kind of manifestation of attention. Therefore, by responding to her tantrums, you let her know that tantrums are good way get your attention.
   • Once she calms down, you can talk normally.

4. At the end of the day, remember that you are not the parent. You are an older brother, you are just a role model and perhaps a mentor in some way. Trying to set boundaries and follow through on what you promise is a great way to cope with big brother responsibilities.

Take care of yourself

Breathe deeply. Focusing on your breathing is a recommendation from many psychologists that helps people overcome anxiety. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 1-2-3-4, then hold your breath for 2 seconds and then exhale slowly for a count of 1-2-3-4. Pause for a few seconds and repeat the exercise again. This method is more effective if you breathe using your stomach. This means that when you inhale, you should feel your stomach rising, not your chest.

Dear Lisa! The situation in which you are forced to live is truly unpleasant and difficult.

It is very difficult to fully investigate your situation, because there is very little primary data (age of family members, number of sisters, information about parents...). However, based on the request and situation you described, it is appropriate to suggest the following as recommendations:

1) To you, dear Lisa, as you claim, your close relatives sometimes treat you very rudely (“she could yell at me”, “arrange her own rules, force her to do her work”, “also dad is somehow strange towards me treat, constantly compares with older sisters"). Thus, they violate your personal boundaries, bring you mental suffering and general emotional discomfort.

Lisa! You shouldn’t condemn them (sisters, father) right from the start. Most likely, due to a string of their own problems or certain adversities, they simply do not notice that they are hurting you very painfully. Therefore, I offer you an effective technique that, in my opinion, will help all of you. Lisa will help you speak out in a civilized manner about painful issues, and will also help your loved ones realize the results of their behavior. After all, every person has the right to correct their own mistakes and receive forgiveness!

Let's call this technique “F+V+O”. F is the announcement of a fact, B is a statement, personal feelings about this, O is the expectation of compensation for damage.

Announcement of the fact. A FACT is, first of all, a description of a specific situation that occurred, a specific incident, behavior... A FACT cannot be a quality, trait or individual characteristic of a person. A FACT is exactly what is happening at this particular moment in time and what has visual confirmation. Therefore, it is not a FACT to inform a person that he is “bad”, as well as to state that he “as always brings pain to everyone.”

It is a FACT to inform the person who is causing you pain that “You are comparing me to Alena for the second time today” (this situation should be discussed).

Your own feelings about what happened. A STATEMENT is an assessment of a given situation, how the situation “affected me.” A STATEMENT should include the expression of an emotional response to a given situation (FACT). An example of expressing a STATEMENT in relation to a FACT is the following addresses to the offender: “It really irritates, angers and humiliates me that I have to conform to another person. “I’m angry (dissatisfied, unpleasant, upset) that they don’t hear me.” It is very important to sincerely express your feelings that you are experiencing regarding the fact of causing you pain and discomfort.

Compensation for “damage”. EXPECTATION is a specific and decisive definition of what you expect from the offender in connection with the FACT and STATEMENT that occurred. Since the FACT has already occurred, the person who was hurt should set specific expectations. It is not appropriate here to read moralistic lectures on the topic of good, evil, what is good and what is bad.

The EXPECTATION will not be an appeal to the offender like “well, do something,” or “pull yourself together and grow up.”

EXPECTATION is a specific demand: “I expect you to ask for forgiveness and promise that you will never compare me to anyone.”

This technique should be applied specifically, without manipulation, with brief requirements. This formula can be used in different situations

2) Secondly, we recommend that you also contact a psychologist who could help you online (not remotely but live) to work out not only this technique, but also to help you (provide assistance and support) in solving difficult life situations.

I wish you, Lisa, a lot of optimism and warmth!

Vitaly Bulyga, family psychologist (Baranovichi, Belarus)

Good answer 1 Bad answer 0

Hello Aida

I carefully read your letter and the phrase:

I’m jealous of my cousin’s mother, and my mother communicates more with her and not with me. she consults with her. asks her everything. and when I’m alone with her, there’s dead silence, as if she’s not my mother.

one of the key ones for me and here's why:

Your entire letter is permeated with pain and your disagreement with the way your mother treats you and your cousin. Mother- the most important person for every child, and for you too, despite the fact that you have already defined yourself as -daddy's daughter . I understand that it’s unlikely that you yourself chose whose daughter you should be; rather, it happened in your family, due to the lack spiritual closeness with mother. It didn’t work out with her, so you already chose what you have - dad. At the same time, you continue to vigilantly watch your mother and where her attention becomes greater in relation to your sister, you again feel a pang of jealousy and the same pain in the chest. Jealousy- this and low self-esteem and constant comparison of oneself with others, which means lack of self-confidence.

I wish you could understand The main thing- it's not about your sister, but in your mother, or rather, in her actions. There could be anyone in your sister’s place and your mother will lead in the same way - paying more attention to others than to you. Maybe it’s her desire to show her hospitality, maybe there are other motives, But... lack of her attention to you and Of course there is love.

Try talking to your mom frankly, without complaining or reproaching her, but having just said about your feelings and your pain, which you hide from everyone all the time. Tell her about how you miss her affection, warmth and expressions of tenderness towards you and say that her attention is for you very important now more than ever. For some reason I'm sure that mom just doesn’t even notice or assume that you are suffering so much from her inattention to you. Sometimes people want everyone to guess what is on their mind or what is in their soul. It's better not to think like that and sit and wait until mom finally sees something for herself. She - your mother and that means you have every right to talk to her about your problems, about your feelings and ask her to finally let you I heard. Don't be afraid and don't hide in your room and act like Victim, no matter how mom treats her sister, he is not her mother , and yours, do you understand?

Don't demand from mom Love and attention, namely, tell her about it so that it does not sound like a reproach or complaint. People don't like being told that they are bad., people love it when they are only praised (by many). And most importantly, ask yourself a question - and you yourself, do you love yourself or not? Do you most often praise yourself or scold yourself? Good luck.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana

Good answer 0 Bad answer 0

Hello. My name is Sergey. I am 33 years old. Not married. Honestly, I really want sex with my sister. She is 22 years old. She's beautiful. She does not mind. Please tell me if just sex with your sister is not bad if she is not pregnant?

Hello, Sergey! As it becomes clear from the question, you already know about possible consequences"related sex" from a medical point of view. I'll try to describe psychological aspect this question, which I hope will help you make the right decision. The main purpose of sex as a natural process is procreation. The pleasure that a person receives from sex, satisfaction with his significance and self-realization are secondary factors - " side effects". The listed needs can be satisfied by any other means, and procreation is only one way. When sex happens between strangers, not relatives, this is a natural process of “natural selection.” Compatible (according to various reasons) among themselves, people, as a result of sex, create a family and have children who are not compatible - they are content with the secondary factors of the process (I described them above). At the same time, the central role of sex in a person’s life remains regardless of time and environmental characteristics. This happens due to the fact that procreation for a woman and the need for a woman for a man are an innate/natural instinct of a person. I'm not saying that the goal of every sex should be to produce a child. I want to say that it is important to understand what need a person is trying to satisfy through sex? What consequences will this cause? The unnaturalness of sex between relatives lies in the fact that initially the central role of sex is excluded. Using sex as a way to satisfy secondary needs - pleasure, significance, self-realization and the like, a person deliberately moves away from satisfying his real needs. He resigns himself to the powerlessness to find and implement a way that can satisfy the needs of the present moment. The consequences of such actions can be states of worthlessness, hopelessness, unreasonable aggression, etc.
The desire for intimacy, for you and your sister, may be a manifestation of an act of protest against the social system or structure parental family, just parents. A way to assert your maturity/independence. In other words, any need that is hidden behind such an intention, other than the need for procreation, will most likely not be satisfied. Also, such an action will have an impact on the future. This will affect how the process of creating your own new families and the birth of children will go for you and your sister.
Sincerely,
Roman Lyubushin!

Sergey, hello.
The question “is this bad” or not bad is a question of assessment - moral assessment.
In nature, in principle, there is no morality. Animals mate with each other regardless of family ties: be it a female with a grown-up cub, or different-sex individuals born from the same female, or a male who sowed his sperm with a female born from him.
Morality and moral assessment of certain actions exist only in human society. Moral taboos are also a product of human society. They did not originate empty space and are mostly associated with the degeneration of the genus (once consanguineous marriages happened even in royal families, but when two close genes with hereditary diseases were combined, the chance of illness increased greatly).
You are apparently familiar with this, since you are concerned about the issue of accidental pregnancy.

“Please tell me if just sex with your sister is not bad if she is not pregnant?”

Although there are no commas in your sentence, it is therefore not entirely clear what worries you more: the moral side of sex with your sister or whether it will be bad that she will or will not be pregnant. Or did you mean that you can take care in advance that she doesn’t get pregnant (for which there are condoms), and you want to convince yourself or ask permission and evaluation from psychologists that this is not so bad?

". I am 33 years old. Not married. Honestly, I really want sex with my sister. She is 22 years old. She's beautiful. She does not mind."

You mentioned that you are single - what does this mean in the context of your desire for a sister? Is it just that you are single or that you want her so much that you can’t build relationships with other girls?
How do you know that she doesn't mind? Are you reading this from the signs sent by her body, or did she tell you about this in open text and you have already discussed this possibility?
You “want it this way”, “she doesn’t mind” - the desire can be strong and, sometimes, the taboos imposed by society do not stop, but only fuel this passion and the desire to break it. Such a desire can overwhelm you and prevent you from doing anything else.
But no one will be able to give you an “indulgence” in advance and give the go-ahead for this sexual relationship. You will have to solve this moral dilemma yourself (you and your sister). And decide how to communicate and then live on. Will it be a one-time “reset” and satisfaction of an obsessive desire that has become like an obsession? Or are you going to continue them for a long time, using protection so that your sister doesn’t get pregnant? Will you, having such a secret or obvious connection with your sister, be able to both continue to somehow build your lives and create your own families? Will the girl subsequently suffer from a rash act dictated by curiosity and a storm of hormones?

Do you get my point? Only you can make this moral choice yourself (whether it’s good or bad, whether it’s acceptable for you). Just as you yourself should be responsible for the consequences of your choices. Both your sister and you must understand this, that each of you has your own 100% responsibility, no matter what decision you make.