Unsociable child: solving the problem together. An unsociable child: what to do if you are growing up to be an introvert What to do if your child is not sociable

Parenting

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14.04.13 10:08

Any mother, hearing from a stranger (teacher, friend, relative) that her child is uncommunicative, is very surprised. How can this be, because they play and talk with him a lot.

And in the process of joint play activities, the baby unfolds such entertaining stories that it becomes simply impossible not to communicate with him! Unfortunately, no matter how wonderful and fun a mother has with her child, no matter how creative he is, it is not an indicator that he can play and fully communicate with other children.

The problem of isolation and low sociability manifests itself most clearly when the child begins to attend a preschool educational institution or so-called “development groups”.

Observing him, you can notice his desire to stay away from others, and when another child approaches him with an offer to play or watch him play, he immediately stops his vigorous activity, collects toys and, as it were, “fences them off” from everyone. In this way he protects his personal space, into which he does not want to let anyone in.

Sometimes parents look at this behavior with condescension. They say that just wait a little, their child will grow up and everything will change. Or they express an opinion about the advanced development of the child, who is not interested in playing with peers due to differences in interests.

But all these are ordinary parental misconceptions, which in the near future may cause the child to be rejected from the children's society. And the result of this can be quite disastrous:

lack of friends;
ignoring not only by children, but also by adults;
loss of personal dignity, since it is not confirmed from the outside;
low self-esteem;
bitterness;
loneliness.

And these are not all the problems that may await a child in the future who has not been able to learn to communicate.

If you nevertheless saw and agreed with the existing problem in your child’s communication, then do not panic. It is easily solvable, you just need to be patient and desire to help the baby. This “work” to overcome unsociability will take place in several stages.

First you need to understand what the reason is. Most often, child psychologists talk about “ fear of strangers" And he is afraid because his mother is the center of his little universe.

The kid is so used to only communicating with her that he does not allow the possibility and possibility of it with someone else. After all, mom won’t bite, fight, or take away her favorite toy. And if he offers interesting game, it will only help the game, and will not become its main character.

You will say that this is pure selfishness, and you will be right. Nature arranges it this way that a child under 7 years of age is not able to fight this feeling on his own; it will pass later, but only with your help.

What to do? How can I help my child get rid of this fear?

Firstly, become an active participant not only in games with your child, but also with other children in the sandbox. Don't be shy about it. You will see that after a couple of these “exits” of yours, other mothers will join your games.

And the effect will be amazing: the child will see with his own eyes that other children are not “scary” at all, they know how to play and they have their own toys, which are also interesting and beautiful, so no one will try to take away his favorite shovel, car or doll.

Moreover, he will really want to ask for someone else’s toy while playing. Feel free to take action, first set an example yourself of how to ask, then invite him to do it himself.

Secondly, invite the children you go out with at least once a week to visit. The main thing here is that in this case the child is on his own territory, he is the owner and it is much easier for him to establish contact.

Remember, at first both mothers should be close to the children continuously. After several such visits, it will be possible to limit yourself to being nearby, and after a month the adults will calmly go and drink tea while the kids play enthusiastically.

Third when the stage " sandbox adaptation", start teaching your child phrases and answers to start a conversation: “Hello, my name is...,” “Thank you, let’s play together...”, “Let’s do something like this together...”, etc.

Fourth, do not make a number of mistakes, otherwise all your work will fail: do not force communication on your child, he himself must express his desire, having become infected by your play with other children; Forget the particle “not-” for a while, it has the exact opposite effect on the child; finish your walk kind words in relation to other participants in the games; Be sure to talk to the baby, find out his attitude towards what is happening and his playmates, this is very important for understanding the baby’s feelings and experiences and will also help you find new ways to motivate him to communicate.

And most importantly, be patient, remember that to consolidate a skill in a preschooler’s behavior, it requires repetition twenty times. And for the rest, your great love and concern for the future of your “little sun” will help you.

Today, few people doubt that the ability to communicate is a very valuable human quality, which, unfortunately, is not necessarily given to all people from birth. For some children and adolescents, the problem of socialization in a team is also very acute. A teenager may have more than a hundred friends in social network, but at the same time he has no one to go out with on Sunday, and only his relatives come to his birthday party.

Typically, parents begin to pay attention to this problem when the child’s relationships at school do not work out, and this can be expressed in the form of bullying or dangerous conflicts with classmates. I would like to look at this problem from a different angle: as a problem of communication skills in general, and not just from the point of view of the relationship of children and adolescents with each other.

For example, I always told my children this: it’s easy to communicate with a person like yourself, but try to talk positively with a completely different person, unlike you, for example, with a curious grandmother at the entrance, with a migrant worker who cleans our yard , with a small child in the sandbox or with an irritated security guard at your school. From the early age you need to teach your child to communicate with different people, especially if you notice that he clearly lacks communication skills from birth.

Let's start with the sandbox

The situation is not uncommon: children play in the sandbox different ages, and sitting next to her on a bench is a bored, lonely grandmother who wants to chat. The mothers are busy talking among themselves, and she begins to pester the children, who behave completely differently in this situation. One child, hearing her question about what he is building from sand, where he got such a beautiful shovel, and whether he will let her play with it, eagerly begins to answer. The other child, frowning, moves away and is silent, and sometimes immediately goes to his mother, hiding behind her from the pestering old woman. In this second case, the mother may need to think about whether her child is naturally sociable. Of course, some parents will think that it is absolutely unnecessary for the child to communicate in this case, especially since they themselves sometimes cannot stand such harassment.

But in vain: this is a great opportunity to develop a child’s communication skills. Of course, he doesn’t like the old woman, he’s afraid of her, or he simply can’t explain why he ran away from her. In such cases, you need to repeatedly push the child towards the desired behavior: at least a minimal polite conversation with a stranger in your presence. At the same time, given the difficult criminal situation in many places, of course, you need to explain to your child the difference between polite answers to an elderly person in the presence of parents and a conversation with an adult stranger, for example, on the way to school, if your child goes there alone. Practice shows that Small child– this is not a teenager who is difficult to force to do something against his will.

Up to the age of ten, the development of a child’s personality can be very, very influenced if you act constantly and purposefully. You can always force or persuade him to do what you need. If it doesn't work, then most likely this is your problem. (About cases of violation mental development in children, of course, this is not the case). For example, in the case of a grandmother in a sandbox, you need to at least ensure that the child does not shy away from unexpected questions from a stranger, but answers them politely.

Give any arguments:

you need to feel sorry for your grandmother because she is bored and lonely
being polite is very honorable and, frankly speaking, profitable
you will be very pleased if the child shows himself to be a well-mannered person
grandma is very smart and good man, with whom you definitely need to talk.
And so on, as far as your imagination goes
He will do it the way you want - praise and encourage him.

If he refuses, directly order the child to do it, forgetting about his right to self-expression; he will always have time to express himself anyway. If he doesn’t want to, apply any penalties accepted in your family.

You cannot give in here; it is at these moments that communication skills develop with different people, in the absence of which in adolescence serious problems may arise.

For example, guests who are boring for a child come to you and begin to torment him with questions about his studies and personal life, while showing a complete lack of understanding of modern children's and teenage interests.
The child tries to quickly sneak away to his room, and sometimes even refuses to go out to see such guests. Usually, this is also a serious sign of a problem - it is difficult for him to communicate. Of course, there is no need to force him to sit with the guests all evening, but demand to politely talk to them for at least half an hour I think it's worth it.

Sometimes a child is not able to carry on a basic conversation with his grandmother when she calls him, especially if he doesn't see her often. Stand next to him and tell him what to say, how to answer and what questions to ask himself. Tell him in advance that you can’t end the conversation after the first minute: let him sweat and mobilize all his mental resources.

If you are going on vacation with your shy and uncommunicative child, then try to actively talk with the people around you and use any communication opportunities, while being sure to involve your child. These could be your compartment neighbors on the train, people next to you on the beach or in the cafeteria - if you want, you can always find a bunch of ways to communicate with someone.

Actively ask your child to help you- go and ask someone for something: a conductor on a train, a waiter in a restaurant, a neighbor in a hotel, a grandmother on a bench, etc. Always encourage your child to get to know the children around you and, if necessary, go and meet him.

For adults, who often do not need communication at all and, moreover, get tired of it, this can be quite difficult. But, if you understand that your child lacks communication skills, it may be worth sacrificing personal comfort.

The fact is that you can only get all the necessary communication skills from practice: no theoretical conversations will help. The isolated rare instances of your attempts to force him to communicate will also not help. As they say, there must be a long-term, targeted policy with your active participation.

Sometimes parents, realizing that their teenager is leading a completely secluded life in front of a computer, begin to take him to psychologists and have intimate conversations with him. Perhaps, of course, this will help, but it will certainly come at a huge emotional and material cost, which not every parent can afford.

Problems of this kind need to begin to be addressed as early as possible. And it doesn’t matter if nothing works out right away. If not the first, then the tenth curious grandmother, the child will tell where he got his beautiful shovel and what he is building with sand. If a child goes to kindergarten, then this, of course, also contributes to communication skills, no matter what supporters say home education. And first of all, because there the child finds himself in a team not with those with whom he or his parents want, but with those who are there. IN kindergarten the child is forced to communicate with children and adults who may be completely different from him and his parents, with children whom he, perhaps, would never have met in some paid early development group.

Home parties with the invitation of many guests also greatly contribute to the socialization of an introverted child. Of course, for many working parents it is not easy to organize such events and it is much easier, for example, to organize a child’s birthday somewhere in a cafe with the involvement of animators. But it should be taken into account that a birthday at McDonald's will never compare with the effect of a real home holiday, where the child participates in preparing and holding the holiday, entertaining guests, and cleaning the apartment. McDonald's guests will, of course, like it, but it won't do any good for your child, since it won't be him, but the animators, who will be responsible for making sure everyone has fun. In addition, the organizational skills that are so valued now are also not given to everyone by birth. In more late age acquiring them is much more difficult, if not impossible, as are communication skills, no matter what psychological training a person then attends.

Dealing with all these issues is very difficult for many parents. various reasons. But don’t think that by sending your child to some classes, you will get a guaranteed result. Communication skills must be constantly developed in simple everyday situations that occur in our lives every day. If you, having noticed problems of this kind in your child, begin to act from a very early age, then in a few years you can radically change the situation and help your child feel comfortable in the modern world.

Some children easily make friends already in the sandbox, while others, even at an older age, prefer to go about their business away from noisy companies. And if a child’s sociability and desire to be visible are easy to encourage and support, then what to do with a withdrawn child is completely unclear. How to raise such a child so that he finds himself in this fast-paced life, without betraying his nature?

How to understand: your child is an introvert or not

At what age can you assume that your child is an introvert? Psychologists believe that it is too early to draw any conclusions about future temperament before two or three years of age. Children go through stages of growth and age-related crises, which can outwardly change their behavior noticeably. In addition, a lot will depend on upbringing.

“All children gain their “I” through communication with others,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. − Of course, you will not re-educate an introvert into his antipode, however, the warnings “Don’t go near other children, they are big, they will offend you or take away your toy” can provoke wariness and a tendency to maintain distance even in a small extrovert. And the desire to anticipate any desire of the child in an introvert fosters a reciprocal desire to do everything in plain sight, only under the supervision of elders.”

And although the child’s personality will take many years to develop, including teenage years, at the age of three or four years, the difference in children's temperaments becomes more and more obvious.

Before our eyes, the little extrovert literally “recharges his batteries” in games with other children, educational activities in a group, and going somewhere where he gets new impressions. It is also important for him to immediately express his feelings and emotions. In order, for example, to draw alone, such a child has to expend effort. An introverted child will be no less interested in going to the theater or circus, but upon returning home, he is unlikely to agree to play outside with friends. An uncommunicative child will most likely want to comprehend his impressions in quiet play with his favorite toys or with someone close to him. Extroverts explore the world and restore strength through communication and external connections, while introverts do this alone with their own thoughts and fantasies. And both will carry this innate feature of their temperament into adulthood.

On the bookshelf

Written on the basis of 20 years of clinical experience, Marty Laney's book, My Introverted Child, not only tells parents how to raise an unsociable introverted child so that he grows up to be a happy person, but also helps to recognize typical introverted traits in a child as early as possible. The book includes a questionnaire that helps determine a child’s place on the introversion-extroversion scale. This will help an introverted child use their strengths to live in an extroverted world and achieve success.

“In fact, introverted children are creative, love to learn, have high emotional intelligence and do not suffer from vanity. Parents do not need to think that there is “something wrong” with an introverted child. He should be helped to become what he wants, and not put pressure on him with demands to “be like everyone else,” writes Marty Laney. And you can trust her! And not only because she is a teacher and practicing family psychotherapist, a leading expert on introversion in the USA. But also because she herself is an introvert, living in a happy marriage with an extrovert.

So, if you have an uncommunicative child, Marty Laney’s book “My Introverted Child” will tell you what to do.

Your expectations are your problem, not your child's.

It is in the family that the child receives the first and most important experience of interacting with people with whom he may not have the same character. Therefore, from an early age it is important to recognize the child’s main right - to be different. Meanwhile, many mothers and fathers begin to mistakenly think that the child is lazy, incurious and too slow. And the main mistake is trying to stir up and “speed up” the baby.

“Often it is extroverted parents who are consciously or unconsciously disappointed with the child, and he, of course, feels it,” says child psychologist Maria Chibisova. – Constantly expecting qualities that are not inherent in his nature will only develop an inferiority complex in a child. And, in order not to upset mom and dad, over time he will either begin to forcefully pretend that he can also be a cheerful and active ringleader, or he will completely withdraw into himself. Both are equally destructive.”

But an uncommunicative introverted parent, who spends most of the time with the baby and protects him from outside contacts, risks exacerbating some of the closedness characteristic of the child. That is why it is important to develop his strengths and help him cope with what is not so easy for him.

Avoid “pleasant surprises”

The attitude towards fun and spontaneous, even very joyful, surprises largely divides the world of introverts and extroverts. An unsociable child cannot cope with the rapid flow of new experiences that he cannot immediately perceive and comprehend. Therefore, tell him in advance about all the plans in which your baby will be included, telling him in detail how this will happen. Ask him leading questions: what kind of animals would he like to see in the zoo or what would he give to his friend for his birthday?

Let your child choose his own rhythm of life

Once you give your child the opportunity to do everything at his own pace, he will surprise you with the thoroughness with which he completes the task. A situation when a mother is in a hurry and nervous is traumatic for any child, but it is especially difficult for an introverted child, who has strived for measured and thoughtful actions since childhood. Try to create a daily routine so that in the morning your baby has the opportunity to get up early and leisurely get ready, play with his favorite stuffed animal or watch a short cartoon. Such rituals have an encouraging and calming effect on him.

It is very important for the child to understand from early childhood: he has the right to his own internal pace and the desire to be alone with himself. This is his peculiarity, his character, and mom and dad respect and appreciate this in him. Even if he is surrounded by brothers, sisters or friends bursting with energy and fun, an unsociable child should not at all force himself to do something just “for company.”

Switching attention is just for you, not for him

Find out the relationship with him without witnesses

Such children are very sensitive to parental dissatisfaction or anger and may have a particularly hard time if they are reprimanded in the presence of strangers. Herself conflict situation It’s not easy for a child. And the fact that everything is also happening in public especially frightens him. An introverted child can literally begin to act up over a trifle, because he keeps a lot to himself, but in the end he cannot cope with his experiences. If your baby rebels in public, take him away from possible observers. Explain to him why you are not satisfied with his behavior. Be sure to say that you understand how upset he was and that you are very sorry for him. If the child already speaks well, ask him to talk about his offense and invite him to think together about what words in the future he will tell you that he is upset.

Learn to listen patiently to your introverted child

Children of an introverted nature can be misleading, because sometimes they think and feel more than they show. And if you don't help them understand how their brains work, they may underestimate themselves as they grow up. Since childhood, such people need time to calmly process information: to combine into a single whole everything that they saw, heard and absorbed. During the conversation, they literally put everything in order. For a child, such a conversation is a way to organize his impressions. Therefore, when asking him about how his day was in the garden or whether he liked the performance, do not interrupt with leading questions and always give him the opportunity to bring the thought to the end. Introverts, including little ones, need to put in more energy to restore the thread of the conversation and re-formulate their thoughts and experiences into words.

Choose activities for him according to his temperament

It seems to parents that the sooner they begin to develop an interest in learning and at the same time socialize the child, the more successfully he will develop. But for an introvert, such a rollercoaster may not bring joy or instill a dislike for activities. The other extreme is to isolate the baby, otherwise the group will “pick up all sorts of viruses.”

As a result, a child who is not very sociable by nature, unsociable, who has not gained experience communicating with peers, will one way or another face this problem in primary school. But only there it will be much more difficult for him. “There is no need to select special activities for children according to their temperament,” says Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. – It is enough just to be attentive to the child, his interests and inclinations.

The child may well participate in a theatrical performance at a general matinee, but there is no need to force him to read poetry from the stage if he does not want to.” It is necessary that the teacher takes into account the characteristics of all his little charges. For an introvert, changing tasks frequently can be confusing. But his strengths are precisely the ability to carefully engage in one thing for a long time. It is also important that the child is allowed to join group games not immediately, but given time to observe what is happening from the side.

Kindergarten: stages of adjustment for an introverted child

“Children who have difficulty and take a long time to get used to a new environment: do not let go of their mother, cry throughout the day, begin to get sick often, are not necessarily introverts,” says Maria Chibisova. - Rather, they are simply more attached to home, feel their mother’s constant anxiety and are not yet sufficiently socialized. Moreover, they can have any temperament.” It is also true that your child may have a harder time adapting to an unfamiliar environment than his more outgoing peers. But if you help him competently, the process of addiction will be painless and faster.

1) Before your introvert child goes to kindergarten, go together to his future group. Introduce him to the teacher and show him the toys, play with them and identify his favorite ones. If the interest of an extroverted child can be maintained by reminding him of new friends and playing together with them, then an introverted child needs to be interested in toys and those activities that he began to master in the garden.

2) If an unsociable child refuses to eat and sleep, ask the teacher not to insist. This is directly related to the difficulties of adaptation, and any pressure in the first days will only aggravate the stress. As he gets used to it, he will begin to eat and sleep like other children.

3) Ask how your child’s day went and what he especially liked. He may not tell you much. Ask the teachers and remind him of the pleasant moments. When you pick him up from kindergarten, he may be silent - there is no need to attack him with questions. Give him the opportunity to just be with you: talk about something neutral. And then you can return to talking about how his day went.

All children are different, even in the same family, but all are loved

Even in the most friendly families, where brothers and sisters are attached to each other, things cannot happen without conflicts and quarrels. “If in a family mom and dad know how to find compromises, first of all, with each other and accept children as they are, without trying to make them a little “fun” or “calmer,” then children also adopt this tolerance, the ability to see their own in a different person. the best and most interesting sides,” says Maria Chibisova. - When parents do not accept each other’s differences, they risk getting a family split into “calm and boring” and “fun and noisy.” In the future, the child risks carrying such a black-and-white picture of the world and the inability to interact with those who are different into adulthood.”

To clearly explain to children their differences, ask them to imagine an invisible circle in which each person is located. For some it is very large, for others it is noticeably smaller. Explain that if the circle is small, a person may feel uncomfortable when they come too close to him, suddenly start to slow him down, or talk loudly. You could even have the kids play a game of determining the size of that invisible circle around each family member. Stand on the sidewalk and move towards the child. As soon as he feels the urge to step back, ask him to say, “Stop.” Mark with chalk the place where you stopped and draw a line around it. Each family member will most likely have a different circle size. This way you will clearly show children their comfort zone, which may not be the same.

Explain that there is nothing wrong with this. Teach your introverted child to politely ask his siblings or friends to give him more physical space: “It's great to go on the swing together, but could you move a little?” And tell more extroverted children that if someone unexpectedly leaves the game or moves to another seat from them, this will not affect their friendship in any way. A brother or sister just needs a little space of their own.

There are children who are not naturally endowed with sociability and openness; their natural social skills are less developed than those of their friendly peers. Fortunately, unsociable children can be taught the skills that socially successful children are naturally endowed with, so that less sociable children can also achieve equal, if not greater, social success.

Below are tips to help your child have age-appropriate conversations with peers.

Don't try to teach your child all these social skills in one sitting, but learn them gradually, one at a time, step by step.

How to help your child become popular

As the child learns to make new friends, his natural abilities will be increasingly stimulated, and soon, I assure you, you will be asking the question: “What are these children talking about for so long?”

1. Teach your child to express his feelings, needs and desires. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and the reasons why they arise.

Psychologists often encourage children and adults to make “I” statements by filling in the blanks in a simple phrase:

“I feel _________ because __________ and I would like to ___________.”

When a child expresses and explains his feelings, those around him are able to respond to them more adequately.

And in this case, the child has a greater chance of getting an answer to his request or achieving what he wants.

2. Teach your child to share more personal information about himself. Shy and passive children often believe that no one is interested in them and that others will treat you better if you simply show interest in what your interlocutor is saying. However, you won’t win friends with a one-sided conversation. Therefore, explain to your child how important it is to determine your own interests, value system, feelings and thoughts and not be shy to talk about them to others. The best way to teach your child to share the most important things is

talk to him more often

. As soon as intimate conversations become a habit, your child will learn to talk about what is important to him with his peers.

3. Teach your child to conduct dialogue as equals. Having a conversation is like swinging together on a board: for the conversation to go smoothly, equal participation of both interlocutors is necessary. Children send each other many nonverbal and verbal messages about when they want to speak and when they prefer to listen., lean forward, look your interlocutor in the eyes, or raise your voice. When the child is ready to listen, he signals this by pausing in the conversation, he may also lean back or change his position, or ask the interlocutor for his opinion (“What do you think about this?”).

There are children for whom these skills are easy, but they are by no means the majority. Some children begin to “pull the blanket over themselves” during a conversation, not understanding or noticing that the interlocutor feels deprived. Others, on the contrary, are excellent listeners, but do not know how to express their opinions during a conversation, and such people, as a rule, are perceived by their peers as passive and boring.

To help your child really master the ability to have a conversation as an equal, try watching some television program with a discussion on the air or a news broadcast, first with the sound on and then without the sound. Point out to your child the many ways in which people signal to each other that they are ready to listen or want to speak.

4. Encourage your child to use the phone and email correctly.

Children who fear social rejection tend to be reluctant to make phone calls. They are worried because they cannot see the person they are talking to, and they are worried that while they are talking, the person on the other end may be making fun of them at the other end of the line or even making fun of them in front of others present, whom the child also cannot see.

Shy children should be encouraged to make short phone calls to peers, and longer ones to people they know well and trust, e.g. cousins and sisters, grandparents or other relatives.

It is known that at least 30-40% of people struggle from time to time with shyness and fear of social rejection. Most people overcome shyness this way. they reach new social “heights” gradually, step by step.

Having realized that the fear of new social events is balanced and even, as a rule, outweighed by the joys of friendship, friendly relations and sympathy from others, the shy person thereby receives an incentive to take the next step.

The use of e-mail and online conversations on the Internet as a means of communication has gained enormous popularity among children. One recent study shows that children spend an average of 8-14 hours a week interacting with friends on the computer.

Apparently, many socially awkward or shy children prefer this method of communication because it gives them time to think about their next response or letter. Since there is less contact when emailing or chatting, a shy child feels less vulnerable; they don’t see him, they don’t hear him.

Although e-mail will almost certainly become an important part of your child's social education, you need to set yourself a clear goal: to teach your child to use the Internet and e-mail correctly. We've all heard sad stories about children and teenagers who were enticed to run away from home by "pen pals", and similar things, although rare, do happen. Best advice One tip I can give for safe use of the Internet and email is to keep your home computer visible so you can watch your child as he learns the benefits and pitfalls of electronic communication.

5. Teach your child to ask questions.

We all love to talk about ourselves, and we all like those who show interest in us. Teach your child to ask your interlocutor questions about himself and explain how good and convenient it is to start and maintain a conversation in this way.

Friendly children constantly invite their peers - either to have dinner at home, or to go to the cinema, or to take a walk in the amusement park, or to come visit for the night. A socially successful child has no difficulty inviting others to play or do other things because he rarely faces rejection.

But a shy child or a child whom no one notices is always worried that his invitation will be rejected and will not meet with understanding. Such children are often so afraid to offer anything to their peers that they fall into a vicious circle - their timidity breeds rejection, and vice versa.

Let's look at eleven-year-old Patrick. This shy boy loved the bowling alley and wanted to invite his neighbor Mark to go bowling with him on the weekend. Mark was very popular at school and liked Patrick, despite his shyness. Sometimes he came to visit Patrick and watch TV together.

However, Patrick was so worried that Mark might have other plans for the weekend that every Friday he came up with excuse after excuse not to call. And so Patrick spent weekend after weekend at home alone, while Mark socialized with his classmates.

Finally, Patrick gathered his courage and nevertheless invited Mark to go play bowling, to which he immediately happily agreed. This invitation marked a turning point in the boys' relationships and in Patrick's social identity.

6. Teach your child how to express approval to others.

Children love to receive praise and other positive feedback from adults, but it is even more important for them to earn the approval of their peers.

Children who enjoy social success praise others easily and willingly, and they begin to do this quite early, already at 3-4 years old. My four-year-old daughter Tess is generous with compliments when she likes someone or something.

More than once I heard her say to her friend: “Oh, what a wonderful dress you have!” or “Oh, what a wonderful picture you drew!” Also, Tess is generous with her praise for Mom and me. For example, she might say: “Mom, you have nice shoes” or “Dad, you have a nice haircut.”

Of course, at 4 years old, Tess mostly pays attention to what is new to her or seems beautiful, but at the same time, she seems to already understand that praise is a method of communicating with others. I am sure that when my daughter grows up, the ability to praise will become a valuable social quality for her.

7. Teach your child to have long conversations. At the age of 5-6 years, children, as a rule, are limited to fairly short conversations: one asks a question, the other answers, and that’s it. But as the child develops language skills and attention, conversations become longer.

And by the age of 9-10, parents are often indignant that the child spends so long talking on the phone.

One evening Helen asked her eleven-year-old daughter Heather:

- And what were you and Sandy talking about for so long? You spent the whole day together at school!

The question was reasonable: Heather talked with her best friend on the phone for more than three hours.

The girl's answer was quite predictable.

- Just about all sorts of different things. I have a lot to say to Sandy other than what we talked about this afternoon. Another eleven-year-old girl, Rachelle, asks permission to leave the table to call a friend about her homework. About two minutes later she returns.

Well, is Jenny not at home? - asks her mother.

“No, she’s at home,” Rachelle answers.

Was she too busy to talk to you? - asks the mother, concerned that her daughter is not communicating well with her classmates.

“I don’t know,” Rachelle answers evasively. - I didn’t ask her. She probably wasn't busy. I just asked her what was asked in literature, she dictated it to me, and that’s all.

It seems that children like Rachel simply don't have the innate need to talk that children like Heather are so generously endowed with. The first type of children, apparently, are simply more introverted and do not enjoy conversations as much as their extroverted peers.

Of course, you can safely assume that this is a matter of your child’s personal preferences, but if he is not popular among his peers and his social adjustment does not meet the main milestones social development, important for his age, then you should definitely make an effort to teach your child the ability to have longer conversations.

A child will learn this best if you arrange for him to talk more often and for longer with you or with someone else who is significant to him, with whom the child has developed a trusting relationship. If you are as introverted as your child, then try to get him to spend more time with a more outgoing aunt, grandma or family friend. A talkative extroverted adult will be able to “pull” the child out of his “shell” by showing him how to ask questions and comment on the interlocutor’s remarks.

8. Teach your child to show and express concern for the feelings of the interlocutor.

Explain to your child that he needs to show his sensitivity and interest in the emotions of his interlocutor, and the easiest way to do this is to respond to what he sees and hears.

Teach him, for example, to say: “You seem upset,” “This will probably cheer you up and make you happy,” or “You must have been really scared,” and similar remarks.

Kayla: I don't know why Jimmy doesn't call me. He promised to call. I stayed at home all weekend and no matter how hard I dialed his number, I ended up on this stupid answering machine.

Darlene: You must be really angry.

Kayla: Yeah, I'll see him at school and give him a beating.

Darlene: What are you going to say?

Kayla: I'll say that I've had enough and our relationship is over. Let him look for another girlfriend and ignore her to his heart's content.

Darlene: It must be a big relief for you to break up with Jimmy. I never really liked him that much.

Darlene: Ooh... Then it must be hard for you. (There is also sadness in her voice.) I'm so sorry...

Kayla: Uh-huh... Okay... It's okay, I'll survive somehow. (Continues, cheering up.) Well, that's it, screw him, Jimmy. Stop sitting around, let's go for a walk and have some fun.

Darlene: Great, let's go to the movies.

As you can see, at first Darlene did not quite correctly interpret her friend’s experiences, but this did not stop the conversation: Kayla corrected her friend and continued the conversation. Children almost always respond to unfeigned expressions of sympathy from a peer. And the ability to express empathy plays a fundamental role in creating trusting friendships.

Chat more often.

The easiest way to teach your child to be a good conversationalist is to talk to him often and set an example of the necessary skills.

Let me remind you that When talking, you should definitely sit face to face with the child and not be distracted by anything. However, if you suspect that your child has serious difficulties communicating with peers, it is better to make the “conversation lessons” more formal.

Record a video of your child’s conversation with someone at home and make him focus on one secret of maintaining a conversation (the one that seems more relevant to you than others). Then watch the video with your child and ask him to indicate in which episodes he should have behaved differently.

As mentioned earlier, learning new emotional, behavioral and social skills is almost the same as mastering a new school subject or sport.

All a child needs is encouragement from an adult, feedback, more training and a sensitive teacher who will teach him new skills gradually, step by step. published. Lawrence Shapiro "The Secret Language of Children" Children's language

gestures, dreams, drawings"

Any questions left - ask them

All children are different: some love to play tag with other children, while others like to collect puzzles alone. Closedness and excessive modesty prevent the child from joining society, making friends, showing his talents, and achieving recognition from his peers. Parents of the “silent” ones begin to sound the alarm, visit psychologists and talk with teachers, trying to increase the child’s sociability. What is the reason for this behavior? How to help the baby? You will find the answers in this article. You can take a test and assess the level of sociability of your son or daughter.

A sociable child quickly finds mutual language with other children and teachers, develops self-confidence, and more easily overcomes stress and difficulties. In adult life It will be easier for such kids to adapt to society and achieve success in work and personal life.
As for withdrawn children, it is very easy to see the difference:

An unsociable child will never be the center of attention. Most likely, he will try to slip away into his comfort zone, preferring to remain in the shadows.
The kid does not like to express his opinion and talk a lot; in a group he tries to stay apart.
Making friends for a baby is a real challenge. Often such a baby has only one true friend or no friends at all.
Introverted children are often very inquisitive and study well, finding interesting, sometimes even unusual hobbies. However, they are in no hurry to share their impressions; they keep everything to themselves.

Causes. Why is the child not sociable?

Family is the basis of everything. It is in the family that children's first habits are born,
copying parental behavior. If mom and dad don’t like to receive guests, but are cheerful and
Active weekends have long been replaced by boring gatherings in front of the TV - you shouldn’t expect your child to be overly sociable. Most likely, he will accept this style of behavior of his household members as the norm and continue family tradition“silent”, sitting reading books or playing computer games.
A cold, overly strict relationship between mother and child can lead to real psychological trauma and provoke distrust and detachment towards other people. The same thing can happen as a result of any severe stress eg divorce, death loved one, loss of a pet, etc.
Delayed social development is one of the possible reasons such withdrawn behavior. There are several systems of relationships: first, the child plays with himself, then toys are included in the game, then there is joint interaction with other children, and finally, the cooperative stage of the game begins - distribution of roles, coordination of behavior, etc. Overcome all stages of social development This is achieved by about 4 years of age - at this age the baby loves to communicate with peers and happily participates in common activities. If an uncommunicative and silent child grows up, it is quite possible that he is stuck in one of the stages, never reaching the stage of cooperative interaction.
A child's sociability may also depend on his temperament. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for extroverted parents to accept the introverted nature of their child. One of the symptoms of such a “modest” temperament is shyness.
It also happens that. This may happen, for example, after an unpleasant incident at school or in kindergarten. Hurtful ridicule and humiliating insults from peers will cause the child to withdraw into himself, lose confidence and become an “outcast.”
Health problems can also affect the baby’s behavior and worsen his emotional state.

What to do?

It can be difficult to develop sociability in a child, but patience, support and attention from parents will help cope with the situation.

The first thing you shouldn’t do is remind your child of his shortcomings. Due to constant pressure, the child will definitely develop an inferiority complex, which will also have to get rid of.
If your child is embarrassed to meet new people, help him with this. Unobtrusively introduce him to his peers on the playground or arrange a meeting with other parents of kids. It can be arranged for very young children.
Always encourage initiative, ask your child’s opinion on any question: “What to cook for lunch?”, “What movie to watch?” etc. He must know that his opinion is important.
The family nest should be filled with peace and comfort. Leave scandals with your spouse for later.
Self-realization is one of the steps to success. Support children's desire for new knowledge, enroll your child in creative clubs. A change in team will do him good.
Mom and dad should be in constant contact with class teacher at school or as a kindergarten teacher. A competent teacher will be able to establish relationships between classmates and unite the children's team.
It is better to entrust the treatment of serious psychological trauma to a professional psychologist who will help parents competently approach the problem situation and improve the social life of the child.