The father does not love his daughter, what should I do? Psychology of father-son relationships

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Date added: 17 Jan 2014, 8:31 PM
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Every woman wants love, peace, trust and mutual understanding to always reign in her family. And not only between spouses, but also between parents and children. However, such a family idyll is more a dream than a reality. In life, the problem of fathers and children is still relevant. Stubborn statistics insist that it is fathers who most often do not find mutual understanding with their children. And more and more often women complain that their husband does not notice their son or daughter.

Of course, the situation when a father is unable to build an even, trusting relationship with his own children cannot be called simple. However, when a man somehow tries to correct the situation, works on himself, tries to learn to communicate on equal terms with the younger generation - this gives a woman hope that over time her family members will find a common language. It is more difficult when a man does not want to admit his even quite obvious mistakes that he made in the process of raising children. He stubbornly adheres to an authoritarian style of communication with his offspring, constantly teaching and poking them, not even allowing the thought that his opinion may not always be the only correct one. Sometimes even a very intelligent woman finds it difficult to find arguments to convince such a stubborn man.

But the worst thing is when a man does not notice his children, or one of them. For a wife and mother, such an attitude of her husband towards his own children causes real despair. Why do men ignore those who bring us so much joy and happiness?

If there is one child or more in your family, and the husband is equally indifferent to all of them, we can assume that you got a man with the so-called undeveloped paternal instinct as a husband. If the child is very small, then we can hope that the father will love his baby. It’s just that he’s still afraid of him, doesn’t know what to do with him and doesn’t understand how to communicate with him. It is possible that over time, having gotten used to the baby, the father will learn to work with him and will truly enjoy this process. However, if the children (child) have long grown out of diapers, and the father still has no desire to communicate with them, then one can hardly expect that his attitude towards his offspring will ever radically change in the desired direction. What if there is more than one child in the family? And their father still “breathes evenly” towards any of them?

It seems that this situation has been causing you concern for a long time. And you’ve probably already tried to talk with your spouse about this topic more than once. And, probably, they did not hear anything intelligible from the husband. As a rule, in the family where your spouse was raised, the father’s attitude towards the children was equally indifferent, and your husband transferred this to his family. He was not taught to love children, to enjoy communicating with them and to experience the thrill simply from the fact that they exist. It is possible that your husband did not want your family to have a child (children) at the stage of life when they were born, or was not ready for this. Therefore, his whole being resists, and he stubbornly ignores the child, perhaps even as revenge on you.

You understand perfectly well that it is impossible to force a person to love someone, even if we are talking about your own children! One can only sympathize with a woman who married a man who is so infantile towards his offspring. Scandals, hysterics, ultimatums are unlikely to help correct the situation, the husband will become even more embittered, and instead of the desired attention to the children, you will also receive irritation from the father towards them. Don’t give up, but little by little, unobtrusively, as if casually, initiate communication between your husband and children. Dose it, increasing the time your husband spends in the children's company, gradually, imperceptibly. It is desirable that this communication evokes positive, positive emotions both children and your spouse, but in no case annoyance or irritation. No one guarantees you 100% success, but you need to try to bring your husband into positive emotional communication.

Let's consider another situation. When there are children of different sexes in a family, and the father stubbornly ignores his daughter and communicates only with his son. Or the husband does not react in any way to his only daughter. Most likely, this refers to the disappointment that the father experienced when, instead of the expected son, a daughter was born. In most cases, after the birth of a girl, even if the father really wanted a boy, men are able to “reboot” over time and love the baby with all their souls, rejoicing with all their hearts at her appearance. But it also happens the other way around. The father is so fixated on the fact that he can only truly love his son, from whom he dreamed of raising a “real man”, and not some snotty girl, that under no circumstances does he want to communicate with his daughter. At the same time, he believes that he cannot give his daughter anything useful and valuable, and in general, a woman should be in charge of raising girls.

The situation seems even stranger when the husband does not notice his son. Especially if the family still has a daughter, to whom the father is quite friendly. Perhaps the whole point is that he does not believe that this is his native son? Especially if the relationship between the boy’s parents was difficult and mistrustful before his birth, and the boy was born completely different from his husband. In such a situation, it is difficult to give advice to a woman, because she knows whether this is really so, or whether it is just speculation jealous husband, which have absolutely no basis.

Be that as it may, try to awaken fatherly feelings in your spouse. Although this is a very difficult task, if you cope with it, then the real gift for you will be the mutual love of the father and your children.

Every time the mother of a teenage boy who doesn’t want to study or the mother of a teenage girl whose dad tells me that “he doesn’t love her!” comes to me, I ask the same question: “What’s between you parents? » The answer is given reluctantly and slightly with irritation: what does this have to do with it, you didn’t understand the essence of the question: “Nothing. We're separated." Or like this: “Everything is fine with us!”

I don’t let up: “How do you feel about him, your husband?” “Yes, I don’t relate to him at all! Why are you asking this? And what does this have to do with my question?

Yes, the most direct! As long as you don’t care why you treat him, your ex or current husband in any way, your son will study poorly, and your daughter may hear from her father what she hears.

Because it doesn't happen that when you make someone empty space for yourself, when you make someone an “insensitive stool” who cannot have experiences, then in return you get something else. You throw contempt, indifference, arrogance, superiority, anger, the desire to sting. Every word you say to him is poison.

And in return you want love, money, attention, care, patronage, protection. No, no, of course not for yourself! For a child! Everything for the child! From a person in whose direction there is only poison and contempt, and whom most often you don’t even want to consider as a person. This is not an equal exchange. It doesn't happen that way.

In return you receive only what comes from you. If you don’t understand that it hurts, it’s your ignorance or bile in your words.

If you don’t want to think about it, delve into it, sort it out, change it, then they will hurt you too. If you don't stop, they will hurt you even more. Through a child.

In most cases, ignoring a common child and his feelings is a mirroring of the attitude of the child’s mother towards his father.

The mother doesn't want to hear this or deal with it. She wants to convict, accuse, re-educate, call to conscience. She is doing exactly the same thing that her mother once did or is doing. In relation to your husband. Accuses, accuses, complains about him. She repeats what she saw and heard in her childhood.

This is a theme of devotion to one's own mother, who either openly or covertly hated her husband. It comes from one's own parental family, where there was a lot of indirect aggression. Constantly. Between man and woman.

All other situations adult daughter pulling themselves up just to keep it going. Hatred of a man. Mistrust. Suspicion. Contempt. All other situations are simply to find confirmation.

All the roles have long been written down. How she should behave, how he should behave. The script was already ready. It just needed to be implemented.

You need to look at the script. And not on the behavior of an individual man. Or the behavior of an individual child. The answers are all in the script. And the dialogues are like a carbon copy.

As long as there is a desire to remake and re-educate a husband, former or current, to continue to pursue him, to bring him to light, it is impossible to help the children. And in the far corners of their memory, all the dialogues have already been recorded. All that remains is for them to grow up a little and embody what came before them. Between man and woman.

And in general, everything that happens next to the child, a difficult personal or professional life, many types of addictions - this will be his longing for his father. The father who was missing for him, the child. Not because the parents were divorced, but because the father was constantly ignored, persecuted, rejected, belittled, argued, shown that he was unworthy, and he, the father, had to move away. Nature abhors a vacuum. There is emptiness where the father should be. And instead of the father, a destructive person and problems appear.

It all starts with the mother. Look at how the father treats his children, and you will find out how women in this family treat men. It’s not how they talk about it, but what’s in their hearts. In relation to my husband. Former. Or the current one.

Read on topic:

The issue of the importance of a girl’s paternal upbringing, unfortunately, is not given due attention in society, since traditionally the maternal upbringing of a daughter is considered a priority.

And this is true, however, there are those key points raising a girl, the responsibility for which lies with the father, and the mother, no matter how hard she tries, will not be able to replace the father in them.

The fact is that it is the relationship with the father that fundamentally influences the formation of the daughter as a future woman, her further relationships with men and the choice of a life partner. All of these factors are decisive in a woman’s life.

Let's take a closer look at how the relationship with the father affects the fate of the daughter.

Let's start with the fact that the father is the first and most significant example of a man in his daughter's life. The responsibility is enormous. If only all fathers realized it...

The father's image and the "father-daughter" relationship set in childhood many programs and attitudes for the communication of an adult woman with the opposite sex. It’s good if the settings and programs are correct and useful. And if not?

In the life of an older daughter, problems of various kinds may arise. Let's try to figure it out.

Suppose perfect option: complete family, parents take part together in raising their daughter, family relationships are harmonious, dad is wise and loving.

Of course, it can be difficult to understand fatherly love; it is different from motherly love. But even the restrained, not very emotionally charged love of the father is felt, perceived and absorbed by the daughter. A daughter for a loving father is a princess, this is his (and therefore) ideal female creation: the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most... in everything and always, this is his pride, this is the light of his soul.

In turn, fatherly love gives the girl a feeling of security, safety, self-confidence, and self-worth; develops femininity, attractiveness, relevance and success.

Near loving father the girl grows up realizing that she is worthy of the love of the opposite sex. When a daughter sees, feels and knows what is most significant man in life, the father loves and accepts her for who she is, the girl learns to love and accept herself, and, most importantly, learns to accept the love and attention of the opposite sex.

A father is the whole WORLD for a girl. And if this world loves and accepts her, is always ready to help and protect, then she is not afraid of anything. She goes out to adult life without fear, with the knowledge that everything will be fine, she will always find support and support, because the whole world is on her side.

A positive program learned in childhood will work throughout life for the benefit of an adult woman.

Such a woman will attract loving men who will become her support, support in life and will take constant care of her.

Another very important aspect Raising a girl is the relationship between father and mother.

The girl needs to see that dad loves mom. Observing the love of a father for his mother, every child experiences a feeling of security, joy, happiness and harmony in the world. Any manifestation of dislike for the mother on the part of the father causes pain to the daughter, which, accumulating, can become an insurmountable wall in the relationship between father and daughter.

Dear fathers, it is very important in relation to mothers to show daughters how a man shows love and attention to a woman. This is how a girl develops a model of relationships between a man and a woman, which she will internalize for the rest of her life, like all other models of relationships in the family.

If “love and attention” in the family manifests itself in the form of dissatisfaction, nagging or rudeness, this lesson will also be learned: such a model of relationships will become natural for an older woman in the future.

Have you noticed that our entire conversation periodically returns to love. If a girl feels a deficiency or absence fatherly love, she grows up unsure of herself, depressed, downtrodden, withdrawn or, on the contrary, openly aggressive, denying and suppressing the male essence.

How often do young and beautiful girl one has to convince that she is beautiful, smart, worthy of the love and attention of the opposite sex, while a completely outwardly inconspicuous girlfriend arouses interest among young people, communicates freely with them and does not have complexes about the shortcomings of her appearance.

A girl who felt a lack of fatherly attention and love in childhood grows up with a feeling of defenselessness, with fear of the huge world and the unpredictability of life. Everything comes to her with great personal effort, because she does not know how to ask for help, does not expect support and relies only on herself. Success in life is not easy. Personal life is also not easy.

Wariness and distrust of men often lead a woman to control her husband, suppress him, and take on male responsibilities. This is especially common in the case when a girl was raised only by her mother, who “carried all the hardships of life,” or when, although there was a father in the family, the mother always had to “plow” in her relationship with him.

It happens that a woman obsessively seeks the attention of the opposite sex, is available and not picky in relationships, and easily enters into relationships with men who show attention to her. She is looking for love and clings to everyone who gives her a compliment or sweet Nothing.

Or, with her behavior, a woman always wants to prove how good she is and therefore worthy of love. And her whole life turns into a continuous desire to “please him” in anticipation of attention and love in return. Some women torment a man with a constant question: do you love me? Or: tell me you love me! Others suffer quietly and secretly cry out of disappointment.

It also happens that a woman is afraid of a relationship with a man, does not know how to build one, and avoids communicating with the opposite sex. She “focuses” on her career, sometimes completely abandoning her personal life and starting a family. Why does she need a man, the woman justifies herself, she is strong and can achieve everything herself.

There can be a lot of distortions in the life of a woman who grew up without fatherly love and attention. How many lives, so many unique experiences.

Many women, after reading this article, will say: well, what to do now? Childhood has already passed, life did not turn out the way I wanted, nothing can be fixed. Actually this is not true.

First, you need to put aside self-pity and regrets about your failed personal life. After all, for some reason, the life lessons learned were necessary.

Secondly, it is important to thank the past for the invaluable experience, forgive your father (after all, he fulfilled his main purpose - you were born), let go of all grievances, look with love at your inner child, understand, grow up and start working on yourself.

Changes in life will gradually begin to occur. It is very likely that your health will improve. It's no secret that one of the most common reasons Women's diseases are accumulated resentment towards men, which is based on problematic relationships with the father.

I believe that every father who reads this article to the end loves his daughter. However, it is difficult for men to express their feelings emotionally, because open emotionality is more characteristic of women and children.

Therefore, in conclusion, I want to somewhat summarize what was said above and give recommendations to fathers:

Remember, a daughter needs her father's love no less than her mother's. How her adult relationships with men will develop, who she chooses as her husband, and, therefore, how her personal life will develop in connection with this depends on your paternal example.
Treat your daughter's mother with love. A daughter should see an example of love and respect between a man and a woman in the person of her parents. This sets the correct basic model for your daughter’s future relationships with men.
Show trust in your daughter, talk to her about her problems, show concern, be there at important moments in her life, know how to step aside, respect her choice.
Show warmth in your relationship with your daughter, hug, compliment, admire, give gifts, be sincere.
Avoid being overprotective of your daughter. With an excess of fatherly love, a girl can develop a strong emotional dependence from the father, which causes no less harm than the lack of fatherly love.
Show understanding and sincere interest in your daughter’s life, spend time together (visit the theater, go to exhibitions and concerts, organize parties; listen to the music she loves; be interested in what she is interested in; inspire her to develop and develop yourself).
Be strict when necessary, but always wise and fair. Punish with love, without anger, explaining your actions.
Never allow yourself to assault your daughter!
Respect your daughter's personality, even if she is still very young.
Be positive, develop a sense of humor.
Be a worthy male example in everything! Encourage femininity in your daughter. Remember, you are the most important man in the life of a small growing woman - your daughter. She looks at you intently and makes life decisions already in early age. Don't miss your daughter's childhood!

The role of the father in raising his daughter still seems insignificant to some. Daddy loves her and that's enough. Is it so?

Everything is clear with boys - their father teaches them to be courageous, brave, take responsibility for themselves and others, fight for rights and protect the weak. What about the girls? It used to be that raising daughters was entirely in the hands of the mother. In practice, it turns out that if a daughter grew up without a father (literally or figuratively), and friendly contact was not established with him, then the child has to fly through life as if without one wing. Psychologists have already repeatedly mentioned the relationship between father and daughter. What consequences could there be in the future due to a bad relationship with your father in the past?

The role of the father in raising his daughter. Who was your dad?

Ideal? If you delve into the past, many will find something to remember:

alcoholic father
left the family early,
was a workaholic.

Or he simply lived nearby, but did not show any interest in his daughter and did not educate her. Some had fathers who were “cold” and aloof, while others were much more unlucky.

If the father drank, walked around, beat the children or the mother, then the feeling of injustice and hatred can live in the soul for years, leaving a heavy imprint on all life events.

Psychology has long established that the connection between father and daughter subconsciously influences the building of relationships between a girl and her chosen one in the future. For example, if a father has never admired his daughter, then when she grows up, she will not expect compliments from fans. But these are small things compared to the serious problems girls can face in adulthood if they had problems with their fathers.

Father-daughter relationship: subconscious choice of the wrong men

A huge problem with a bad relationship between father and daughter is revealed at the moment when it comes to dating and choosing a life partner. If sharp edges and some psychological traumas can be hidden in work, relationships with friends, then when it comes to building connections with the opposite sex, all those complexes, fears and mental attitudes that we received in childhood come to light. Nobody wants an alcoholic or tyrant husband, but girls who have had fathers with the same problem have a much higher chance of choosing a guy with an addiction.

Psychology "father-daughter"

Dad is called upon to help his daughter grow up bold, self-confident, but at the same time feminine. It is the father who instills in the girl a sense of self-worth, attractiveness and aspiration for what she wants. When a child at an early age does not receive his father's attention, approval and care, self-doubt creeps into him. As a result, statistical data confirm that in families where fathers abandoned their wives and children, girls more often begin to engage in early childhood sex life, many become pregnant at the age of 15-16 years. The fear is triggered that the man will definitely leave, leave the family, and therefore you need to hurry. If you appreciate this, it is not difficult to understand how important the role of the father is in raising his daughter.

Unreliable father. What will your daughter grow up to be?

Powerful women who are capable of exhibiting masculine character traits, being tough and uncompromising, most likely had weak-willed and irresponsible fathers. Such dads were unable to bring money into the family, drank, and obeyed the whims of their domineering mother.

The girl carries such a relationship between father and daughter into adulthood, trying to compensate for the lack and take responsibility for everything into her own hands. As a result, along the way you come across men who need to be pulled, looked after, and, possibly, provided for. At the same time, the mental attitude may not manifest itself so clearly, but if you start analyzing the situation, it turns out that the woman is simply not able to stop controlling everything (after all, she does this unconsciously, at the subconscious level).

The domineering father of a flexible daughter

If the relationship between father and daughter developed differently, for example, dad was domineering, demanding, strict, then it’s a different story. The girl was required to be sweet, helpful, feminine, not to show any masculine qualities, and not to defend her opinion. Most often, such fathers give instructions to study and then get married successfully.

The connection between father and daughter is so strong that even if the young lady starts her own business or becomes a boss, the attitude of being in a subordinate position will manifest itself in her relationship with her man. After all, the chosen one is chosen on a subconscious level with the same character traits that were present in the father.

What to do if the relationship between father and daughter is difficult and painful

Analysis of the situation will help you fight against incorrect attitudes in adult life that come from childhood:

Did you have any problems in childhood?
what kind of connection existed and exists between father and daughter,
how the father behaved in childhood and what he is like now, etc.

A psychologist is best able to help diagnose and solve such a problem. However, if you have just begun to understand the situation, you can try to figure it out on your own.

Analyze all your romantic stories: perhaps they have something in common? If it is obvious that you are “unlucky” with men in life, you need to change your psychological attitudes. It can be difficult to do this without a specialist, because father-daughter psychology is not limited to one article or a moment of insight.

Problems that migrate from childhood to adulthood are the deepest and most emotionally difficult. However, now you can try to change the situation.

Start with awareness and acceptance: your father was not a perfect person, you need to forgive him and stop looking for a partner who would be like him.
Think about what aspects of your father are most difficult for you to come to terms with. Do you subconsciously look for similar traits in other people? To do this, look at your surroundings: bosses, husband, former partners.
Remember the difficult periods of your life, difficult conversations with your father about your choice. Did he allow you to make decisions on your own? Did you support it?
Analyze which of his words hurt you the most, and when he was the only stronghold and support for you.

The role of the father in upbringing is great, but do not rush to blame him for all your problems. The relationship between father and daughter is a thin thread; you need to deal with it as carefully as with any type family relations. In order not to harm yourself or him, it is better - this will help show your connection more clearly and its impact on adult life.