The first year of marriage: how to survive it? Remarriage after divorce, about couples who break up and then get back together Divorce after a year of marriage.

RAZVOdis.RU Divorce Psychology and divorce

Causes of family collapse
Preserving the family for the sake of the children
Difficult decision
The need for divorce

Family relationships are a complex thing, with pros and cons. Tired of mutual insults, not intending to endure inconvenience, the spouses no longer see any reason why they should not get a divorce, failing the everyday test, especially if they are not going to decide to change their views. But sometimes there are no good reasons to break up - you need a serious reason. Divorce or saving a family is a complex issue. It is worth taking a responsible approach to an important decision if the spouses want a hassle-free divorce/family preservation procedure. Causes of family collapse Having considered the preservation of the family impossible, the spouses are going to decide to purchase a separate home.

Divorce or continuation of relationships: preserving families in Russia

Inability to understand a loved one After several years of living together, it suddenly turns out that the husband and wife have such different ideas about life that they are simply unable to find common goals for the existence of a family and the development of relationships. Today this state of affairs is not uncommon. If spouses cannot find a way to hear and understand each other, the family is highly likely to break up, even if there are already children.

When there is no mutual understanding with a partner, it is impossible to seek compromises together, and it is difficult to understand why maintaining such a relationship at all. There can't even be any talk of any intimacy. The spouses move further and further away, and over time it becomes impossible to overcome mutual alienation.
Most often it is not possible to maintain and establish such relationships. Sexual problems It is impossible to ignore sex issues when it comes to divorces and their causes.

If divorce is around the corner...

You can go on vacation with him to an interesting country or place where you will have an exciting time and, perhaps, this will bring you closer together again. But all this can be done if the man agrees to all these actions.

Important

Otherwise, he will make decisions about your life. After her husband's betrayal The betrayal of a loved one is a difficult test for a woman.

But it is possible to get out of such a situation with dignity and skill. If she loves her husband and wants to save the family, she needs to let go of resentment, anger, anxiety, and fear.

After his wife's betrayal, a woman, having admitted her betrayal, feels better, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Should we try to save our family?

Yes, this requires financial costs, but the situation is such that the wife may soon become an evil fury. If the spouse allows himself to make claims about unnecessary expenses, well! Calmly invite him to take an equal share in household chores. Rest from each other There are families where spouses go on vacation separately, each has their own company, and she goes to the theater, cinema or museum with a friend, and he with a friend, and so on. They go to the store together, raise children and solve various everyday issues, but they spend their holidays separately, so they both feel comfortable.
And this is acceptable when one of them loves solitude, and the second is very active. Each spouse should have personal space; there is no need to panic because your partner wants to take a little break from you for fear that the husband has fallen in love with another.
Everyone can benefit from a change in their environment for a while, or a little time alone.

Divorce: those who want to save their family must fight to the end

Attention

Young people take the conclusion of an alliance very lightly - it seems like an interesting test that is easy to decide on. Seeing only the advantages of marriage, young people are against official relationships and marriage contracts.

The desire to maintain independence, the unwillingness to tolerate the disadvantages of relationships, and to take on serious obligations, lead to the breakup of a third of families if the views remain the same. Sometimes spouses say “No, I don’t like you, I want to get a divorce” – already six months after the wedding.

Unpreparedness of spouses for marriage. Often couples are poorly aware that creating a family imposes certain restrictions and social responsibility. If you keep your old habits, the marriage may fall apart; a compromise is needed.

A young family often fails the life test - it does not have the necessary qualities to maintain positive relationships.
Unfulfilled hopes.

Divorce or save the family?

The second option is to explain what you like. Don’t hush up unpleasant moments; if you don’t react, then the man thinks that everything is fine. To revive the intensity of the relationship, change the environment.

A night in an unusual place, for example, in a hayloft, will help revive passionate feelings! Mutual help The wife makes the house cozy: bakes pies, runs the house, goes to work. After a while, she notices that she has driven herself into a corner, burdening herself with all the everyday problems. For the husband, the situation when all the worries lie with the woman is apparently familiar and comfortable. Therefore, there is no reaction from him, and there will not be. This is where a smart person should stop, because the time has come for her to learn to save time, energy and herself. For housework there are household services, semi-finished products, and modern household appliances.

9 secrets of preserving a family

You can simply let your husband win the argument if the topic is not that important to you. But in your soul you will know that you acted wisely, and believe me, it’s nice! After 20 years of marriage, romance in the relationship of a married couple persists only in the first unforgettable time after meeting.

Then light love turns into a stronger feeling and passion. The danger comes when there is no longer romance in the marriage, and the spouses begin to look for it on the side.

The willingness to “go left” increases over the years, especially when a midlife crisis occurs in men. First, he begins to follow young girls with his eyes, leaf through magazines with images of naked beauties, or watch porn films with interest.

This is a signal that you should take a closer look at yourself and think about whether you are attractive enough for your partner. And if there has been cooling, then it’s time to get down to business seriously.

10 myths about divorce

Any married couple is familiar with the situation when, after family happiness, come grievances accumulated over the years; irritability that arises gradually and grows as a result of misunderstanding, unwillingness to give in... All this ends in divorce, and, as a rule, children suffer. If you think everything over carefully, weigh each specific situation, then people reach an even greater impasse: endure and wait out the family crisis or get a divorce right now, so that there is time to create a new family nest and a new personal life? Sometimes reckless actions make both people regret a hasty divorce, but other times people may regret that they did not run away and continued to tolerate each other in exchange for freedom and peace. Save the family or get a divorce? How many people, so many opinions...

Marriage: to save or not?

We think with our own heads! In any case, after looking at such comments, the most objective thing you can take away for yourself is the fact that the interlocutor will not be held responsible for any of the advice. Whether to accept the advice or not is up to the author of the problem voiced.

If there are any consequences, then it is foolish to think that the advice was given incorrectly. In the end, advice is just that: following it is voluntary.

People will not make mistakes when they can learn to make decisions and realize responsibility for them. There will simply be no one to blame. And the failures or misfortunes that happen in people’s lives must be perceived as something inevitable due to one’s own incorrect behavior or a tragic combination of circumstances.

Anything can happen in life, and its course consists of positive and negative moments.

Reasons for divorce. Is it worth saving the family?

A survey of women conducted by researchers revealed the reasons for the fragility of family relationships, and they are as follows:

Adultery.
Alcoholism.
Using force against your spouse.
Incompatibility of characters.
Lack of common interests.

After a few years, living together often turns into a routine. Mutual accusations can only lead to a real quarrel. Remember your love, which connected you for several years, think about your children, how they will survive your separation, and try to find a solution. To be respected, you need to be able to listen and support your partner.

And don’t forget to say nice words to each other. After all, a kind word is not only pleasant for a cat! But the person who shares life with you also needs kind words and praise. Understand the essence of the problem Discuss with your loved one why he became dissatisfied with you.

Some advise categorically and categorically: “Get a divorce without a doubt! You can’t allow yourself to be humiliated and not be taken into account.” Others recommend loyalty and caution: “What's the point of getting a divorce? What will be proven and to whom? It’s difficult to live alone, especially if you don’t have a job.” Some people recommend turning a blind eye to your husband for the sake of your children. At the same time, they advise you to think about work, income, and then divorce.

This way, in their opinion, everything will be less painful. Some, with a heightened sense of justice and, to some extent, harmfulness, will advise not to get a divorce, but to pay your husband in the same coin - to go out, have a lover, have fun and live “for yourself.” It is not a fact that this will lead to a truce or force the husband to return to the family, but with such a lifestyle, a wife should not be so offended.

Every case is different.

Divorce after 6 years of marriage: is it necessary to try to save the family?

After all, when deciding to divorce, there is no guarantee that the new marriage will be successful or that single life will be easy. Or a new marriage may not happen, and the eternal search will lead to protracted depression, under the weight of which divorce will seem like a huge mistake and a hasty decision. Let's look at divorce philosophically If we look at any family problem from a philosophical point of view, then there are no uniquely bad or uniquely happy situations. There are people and their specific attitude to each topic. Many women believe that divorce will bring them great happiness and relief. Divorce will provide an opportunity not only to become independent, but also to start life anew without repeating mistakes. Divorce will be a relief from endless irritation and insults. In the end, it turns out that her departure didn’t really upset anyone (it hits the ego, right?).

Typically, marriage is a union of two people who love each other, who are ready to be together until death and share all their joys and sorrows. But in practice, in addition to falling in love, which, by the way, according to psychologists, goes away after three years, there is also everyday life. This is precisely what kills even the happiest marriages at first glance.

All the same psychologists argue that there are several milestones when a crisis occurs and when the likelihood of “rushing” to the registry office increases, but with a different application, an application for divorce. The first year of marriage is considered the most difficult and crisis. In addition, a crisis in family relations can arise in the fifth year of marriage, in the eighth and in the fourteenth.

So, let's look at what to expect in the first year of married life, what mistakes you should try not to make in order to remain happy together.

Why is the first year of marriage considered the most difficult for young spouses and why is it during this period that the largest number of divorces are recorded? Let's try to figure it out.

The fact is that spouses who begin life together often encounter difficulties in terms of everyday life. The first year is a year of getting used to each other. It is during this period that the foundations of a new family are laid. The causes of problems in the first year of life are the transfer by one or both spouses of the family life model of their parents into their own family. It’s great when this model is ideal and it suits the newlyweds. But very often this is not the case at all.

The first reason Most divorces in the first year are due to improper distribution of household responsibilities or dumping them on one of the spouses. Women are more likely to suffer. One day she gets tired of being a dishwasher, laundress, cleaner, cook and she begins to make claims to her husband, often the claims are quite justified. Therefore, it is very important to determine the degree of household responsibility even before marriage. Even if it seems stupid to you to distribute household responsibilities and decide who will take out the trash, who will cook, who will clean and who will go to the store. Believe me, it’s better to do this, otherwise you may regret it greatly. This will happen when your chosen one understands that you can only use it and not give anything in return, not participate in the provision of everyday life.

Second reason Finances often become a crisis in the first year of a relationship. Relationships are especially aggravated when a couple has a child in the first year of married life. Often a woman who once actively earned money and had a career attended several clubs at once and becomes a homebody and mother hen. She gets tired of monotony and routine. In addition, her financial contribution either decreases significantly or disappears altogether. The husband, of course, provides for the family for two, but this is where his household and family responsibilities, in his opinion, should end. If you want to save your marriage after the first year and beyond, talk with your husband about finances and their receipt and distribution in advance.

Third common reason divorces after the first year of marriage - cooled emotions. Again, the woman suffers more from this, she is such a romantic person. A man usually decides that since his chosen one has already become his wife, she won’t go anywhere, she will always belong to him, so there’s no point in straining too much. He no longer gives flowers just like that, doesn’t take him to the cinema or cafe, and doesn’t feel guilty when he stays out late with friends.

Fourth reason– cooled sexual relationships, that is, sex happens because it “has to” and there is no passion. Then the thought of betrayal creeps into the heads of both spouses. Moreover, some men can translate this idea into reality. Although a modern woman can keep up with a “walking” man and walk for her pleasure.

What do psychologists recommend during the crisis of the first year of a relationship?
First, identify the weaknesses in your relationship.
Secondly, try to fix everything.
Thirdly, the previous two points must be fulfilled together.

In addition, a good release in the first year would be a joint vacation, a joint hobby or passion; this brings you very close together.

Believe me, any crisis can be overcome if you put in a little effort and do it together!

We have all probably already heard about the notorious “character grinding”. As well as about the sad statistics of divorces occurring in the first year of family life... It would seem that there shouldn’t be any problems yet - feelings are boiling and seething, the novelty of sensations has not yet dulled. Why do most people who have just started living together prefer to take a step back? In fact, all couples, without exception, go through the tests of the first year together, regardless of whether their marriage was official or civil. And these tests, believe it or not, are always the same. This means you have the opportunity to mentally prepare for them! People say, “If I knew where I would fall, I would lay down straws.” So what to expect from the first year of married life?

Problems of a young family:

Life How can one not recall Mayakovsky’s famous phrase: “The love boat crashed into everyday life”... Yes, it seems to all of us that dullness and vulgarity are incapable of somehow tarnishing our high feeling. But, alas, this moment is coming. A person who had no value in friendly company turns out to be of little use for family life. An extraordinary and passionate girl in everyday life turns out to be a hysterical person, prone to cheap theatrical effects. And in general, few people are truly ready for new responsibilities. There are a lot of complaints on everyday grounds: “You don’t earn enough money!”, “Your cooking doesn’t taste good!” This happens, firstly, from inflated demands and expectations, and secondly, due to the lack of independence of the newlyweds...

Relationships with relatives. Here, of course, you can prove to yourself and each other as much as you want that you are already completely, completely adults and do not depend on anyone. However, your parents probably at least somehow help you financially! And if not with money, then with words or advice. Agree, there are few families where everyone is absolutely independent of each other, and some kind of sad autonomy is obtained... In general, let’s take it as a given: you will have to communicate with each other’s relatives. Even if you live separately. You need to approach this issue like an adult: you don’t choose your relatives. Every family necessarily has a “unlucky” sister or a recidivist uncle, in other words, its own skeletons in the closet. Yes, and the rest of the family members have their own characteristics and shortcomings... But what is forgiven to one’s parents becomes simply the main shortcoming of the husband’s/wife’s parents! Don't turn against them. The main thing is to be friendly and do not enter into any conflicts, even if you are provoked. The first year of family life is the ideal time to build relationships; then it will be more difficult.

Birth of children. A serious test for a couple in love is the third member of the family! Children, of course, are a blessing, but they change the lives of their parents radically. Remember, in the movie “Eat. Pray. Love,” one mother said: “A child is like a tattoo on the face: there will be no turning back.” So, a restructuring of everyday life, relationships, and worldview may not have the best effect on the family. And if you don’t take the “high spheres”, then think about a bunch of new responsibilities, financial problems and banal fatigue! The birth of your first child becomes a difficult test for a relationship. But, again, if you often put your selfishness aside, most problems can be avoided.

"I" or "We". This conflict may seem far-fetched to some, but many couples mention it when they talk about the problems of a young family. Firstly, this is a conflict of interest - idealistic ideas about being together 24 hours a day almost immediately turn out to be untenable: what to do if the wife loves nightclubs, and the husband is a homebody? Secondly, you have to forget about your personal egoism (we are all sinners, what can you say). And this is also quite painful. During the period of falling in love and courtship, it seems to us that all our interests are common, and there are no problems with “adjustment”. But when living together, it turns out that people’s habits are different, as well as tastes, preferences, daily routines... Some more time will pass before you build a common “We” concept that will suit both of you.

Test for sincerity and acceptance. You may have already heard about one of the most insidious of the traps of falling in love - there comes a time when we take off our masks in front of each other. During the period of falling in love, everyone in the couple tried to “stand on tiptoe”, to appear better than they really were... But this cannot always continue. Sooner or later everyone becomes themselves. And it is also not always easy to accept such changes. However, if your feelings are strong and sincere, this problem simply will not arise: it has long been known that love is blind, it is characterized by unconditional acceptance of a person. They also say that they are respected for their virtues, but loved for their shortcomings (it is known that girls love bad boys, and men are not always delighted with excellent students and good girls). So, by and large, just forgive your loved one for his minor mistakes and mistakes - it happens to everyone.

Loyalty check. Sooner or later, you will have to honestly answer your question: have you really decided to be with this person until the end, or have you not yet stopped your search program and think that there are better options somewhere? Unfortunately, almost every family is faced with such phenomena as infidelity and jealousy. Not necessarily in the first year of family life, but often when the “forbidden fruit” begins to become boring. How you learn to deal with this will determine the future of your family.

Finance problem. Many people believe that all of the above problems of a young family are nothing compared to the problem of lack of finances. Let's not accuse them of cynicism. The income of a young family is generally really small (especially if the family already consists of three people), and, no matter how you look at it, no matter how lofty you talk about it, life in a regime of constant austerity is exhausting. You have to reconsider your needs: think about how to get by without a new jacket this year, how to save money and where to profit... But this is also a great reason to work on yourself and your “consumer instinct”: not make unnecessary purchases, save money... It’s easier to treat material difficulties as a test of strength rather than an evil fate and a bad streak in life. And, in the end, everything gets better over time. You start earning more, learn to plan a family budget, learn to allocate funds correctly. So in most cases, these difficulties are temporary, and the first year of marriage is remembered by almost everyone as a period of financial difficulties. So believe me, Moscow was not built right away.

Yes, the first year of married life often becomes a real test of strength, despite all the sweetness of the honeymoon. New life, new problems, but also new joys... After all, now you fall asleep and wake up with your loved one... Isn't this happiness? Everything else can be overcome

Newlyweds who maintain romance for at least the first two years of marriage are more likely to stay together long-term.

Couples, seeking a quick divorce- less than two years, tend to become disillusioned and start to have negative attitudes towards each other within two months of the wedding.

Those who go to average distance- from 2 to 7 years old, can be very romantic and loving at first, almost flighty in love. But if feelings wane and partners become frustrated during the first year, it could be a sign of trouble.

Couples most likely to stay together long term, these are those who maintain positive feelings towards their spouse for at least the first two years.

Researchers studied 156 couples who married for the first time in 1981. After 13 years:

68 couples were happily married,
32 unhappily married,
56 divorced.

The researchers divided Divorced couples are divided into two groups: those who divorced within 2-7 years of marriage, and those whose marriages lasted more than 7 years. This figure was chosen because the average length of marriage in developed countries is 7 years.

Researchers found that likelihood of divorce depends greatly on how far the marriage has deviated from romantic ideal in the first two years.

Couples who divorced quickly had weak the connection is already like newlyweds, while those who divorced after two or more years showed frustration with each other and the relationship over time.

For couples who remained married, researchers found that differences between the happily and unhappily married groups were visible immediately after the wedding.

Compared to unhappily married couples, the happy ones were more in love as newlyweds and saw each other as flexible individuals, they also reported less ambivalence in the relationship and were much less likely to express negativity towards each other.

Couples who divorced after 7 years of marriage were practically the most loving newlyweds, even more than those who remained happily married, but their love for each other declined sharply during the first year of marriage.

conclusions

It's sad that many of us are guided by hormones when choosing a long-term partner.

For many, divorce is one of the most painful experiences they have experienced in their lives. This study contains some practical details collected after studying more than 150 marriages over 13 years.

What usually happens after this “and they lived happily ever after”? Nobody knows. But everyone wants to believe that the prince and princess are renovating the castle, getting a pet dragon, creating little heirs and going on vacation to a neighboring kingdom. This is the ideal scenario that most newlyweds dream of. And there is absolutely no room for divorce after a year of “happy” married life.

Do you know that last year less than 1 million marriages took place, while more than half broke up? More precisely, 600 thousand. Not bad numbers, right? Among them, according to Rosstat statistics, 19.4% are couples who stayed together for only one or two years. Or 12–24 months. Or 365–730 days. Theoretically, some of them spent less time with each other than Mark Wahlberg on Mars - according to the movie "The Martian", he lived for about 1 year and 8 months. in “aggressive” conditions... Although he didn’t live with some Lyudmila or Valentina and her mother in a one-room apartment somewhere in the Butovo area. There are aggressive conditions there!

But jokes aside. There is little funny here, especially considering how beautifully it all started. A proposal, a wedding, relatives, loans, an expensive dress, which the girl probably still hasn’t sold yet, despite the fact that she has already managed to get a divorce. A reasonable question arises: how can you consciously, deliberately and confidently start a family with a person with whom in a year you will share property and, God forbid, time spent with your child? How does this even happen? Does mental confusion occur before the proposal or after the marriage? Where is that fateful moment after which those who have just been madly in love become bitter haters?

If you observe those who divorced after a year of marriage, you can, with a small margin of error, identify several key features that characterize unstable unions.

Someone got pregnant

The story is as old as time, but still continues to amaze. A happy, relatively short-lived couple of young people lose their guard one day and the girl becomes pregnant. Both are excited: yes, they love each other, they want to wake up and fall asleep together, they jokingly discuss plans for the future, but they do not seriously consider any prospects - it’s too early, they say. But then she gets pregnant. The couple hugs excitedly and decides: well, they will have an express script. They love each other! So everything will work out! The child will simply help them bypass all these conventions like “meet before marriage”, “live together” and “take a closer look at the partner”.

The child is born, and at first everything goes as it should. Enthusiasm, interest, zeal to make up for what they didn’t have time to do... And this is exactly what at some point comes between them: they didn’t have time. Each one has something different. Some to realize themselves, some to take a walk, some to get some sleep, some to finish their studies, etc. Quarrels begin, which reveal one simple truth - it is really too early for great responsibility.

Someone was too romantic

Oh, how beautiful youthful love is. Especially if before this nothing serious either happened or was unsuccessful. And then he meets her, and she falls in love with him. Perhaps they are each other's first. Perhaps not even. It doesn’t matter, the main thing is romance! The relationship of such a couple is permeated with it: poems, gifts, sweets, bouquets are everywhere. This can go on for a year, or two, or three, or five. The couple may not even live together, but they passionately dream of, oh, someday getting their own house, a dog and a rocking chair.

One day he proposes to her - very romantic, of course - and promises her a dream come true. They get married, go on a beautiful honeymoon, and then return - to reality. She cautiously inquires whether the prince should rush to fulfill her every wish, and he sharply answers his princess that he wants to play a video game. Here she begins to suspect something is wrong and gradually learns that her romantic betrothed was actually just playing his role beautifully. He was good at it because he had time to prepare, plan, think, comb his hair, wash his face, shave. And in married life, everything is visible, especially all the shortcomings. So there is no time to rehearse. But no one is ready to change quickly, start thinking and do something quickly. But go to the registry office - please!

Someone was young

We were all young. And stupid. This is the beauty of this age: you can do all sorts of nonsense, and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say that you just haven’t matured. And God forbid you decide to get married during such a period. Because here it will just be a full house: inability to live independently, parents fully pay all expenses for the wedding and housing, lack of food and an immature consciousness that does not know how to solve problems, but knows how to snap and resist.

Of course, it’s wonderful when someone young finds someone else young, and they decide to become adults together, under the same last name. But often we all develop at different speeds, so during the period of growth it is better to stay away from responsibility for another person - to learn to be responsible for yourself. Therefore, such youngsters very quickly begin to perform completely crazy acts, shocking their parents. They make demonstrative, demonstrative gestures, repeating behavior from movies, books and magazines, thinking that this is how adults behave. And they arrange a divorce only for this reason - it’s beautiful, demonstrative and “they still do it.”

Someone thought that marriage would fix everything

Knock knock, this is bad news: marriage will only make things worse. If there is some annoying or unpleasant feature in the person you are attracted to, it will not disappear after a stamp in your passport. It will grow to incredible proportions, and all you will see, looking into those beautiful eyes, will be one huge flaw.

But many naively believe that in order to fix everything in a relationship, they need to get married. Get married! As if it were a panacea for all ills. And instead of sitting down and thinking how crazy this idea is, what do they do? Getting married! And at first they don’t even quarrel, don’t make any claims and enjoy new feelings - trepidation, impatience that everything will only get better, fantasies... And only over time they realize that they have only made things worse. It’s so much worse that it’s sickening to even open your mouth to say “good morning.” And if you manage to squeeze something out of yourself, then all that comes out is “We need to get a divorce.”

Of course, not all of these situations necessarily have to end in disaster. These are just observations drawn from life. But you must admit, if you take a closer look at such couples, then in these four points something really appears...