What causes conflicts in the family. Typical family conflicts: causes and resolution

The institution of family relations appeared a very long time ago. The uniqueness and peculiarity of the family lies in the daily close interaction of two people who live together in a variety of life situations. Often in family life misunderstandings occur, quarrels break out, and crisis situations arise. Which ones are the most common reasons Do psychologists identify family conflicts? And what do experts recommend to overcome them?

Common Causes of Conflict

Conflict is a clash of different opinions, interests, views or needs. The most common causes of family conflicts.

Incompatibility of characters

Everyone has individual characteristics character, your temperament. When people begin to live together, psychological adaptation to each other occurs and quarrels are inevitable at this time. The personality type of each spouse determines the emotionality and severity of conflict situations. Many people try to “re-educate” their partner and impose their values on him.

Unfulfilled expectations from family life

When a person gets married, he mentally paints an ideal picture of his future family life. But quite often the reality turns out to be completely different, and the husband and wife begin to quarrel because the hopes they had for their life together were not justified.

Financial problems or household troubles

Very often, family life is “broken” by everyday life. Spouses do not want to help each other in running a common household, raising children, or solving everyday everyday situations. The situation can be aggravated by the poor financial situation of the family, when the lack of money causes mutual reproaches and accusations.

Dissatisfaction in sexual life

People who are already for a long time live together, often begin to feel the need for new sensations in their intimate life. Established stereotypes, habits or family troubles affect the quality of sexual relationships, making them monotonous and boring.

being together all the time

If spouses spend most of their time together in a limited space, they may have conflicts due to the inability to have privacy and be alone. Lack of personal space and freedom leads to irritation and quarrels.

Jealousy

Jealousy and suspicion often pushes spouses into conflict. Quarrels caused by jealousy are the most aggressive and uncontrollable. This situation can only be resolved based on mutual love and trust.

How to Avoid Conflict

Frequent quarrels and scandals can lead to cooling of relationships, alienation of spouses and divorce. To avoid a sad ending, family psychologists advise resolving controversial issues correctly.

Analyze the conflict and find its cause. If disagreements arise, try to hear your partner and try to understand his point of view. Very often the real cause of a quarrel is hidden behind empty quibbles and claims. If you are the offended party and the initiator of a conflict situation, then directly tell your partner what offended you. You should not speak in hints, not to the point. If the situation is the opposite, then listen to complaints and complaints calmly, without interrupting.

remember, that conflict is not a reason for mutual insults. The purpose of the conflict is to have a constructive conversation and come to an understanding. This is not a war or a battle; what is important here is not victory in an argument, but peace in the family. Do not make personal insults, do not generalize, do not point out your partner’s character flaws.

A conflict arises for one specific reason, so when sorting out relationships, do not try to solve all the accumulated family problems at once. Discuss the main circumstance, analyze its mistakes and nuances.

Always try to find a compromise solution. You and your partner may have different opinions and desires, and it may be difficult for you to give up some principles. In such cases, the conflict can be long and painful. You should not be a maximalist and insist on full fulfillment of all claims; make a partial concession to resolve the situation.

Use a sense of humor. A harmless, funny joke will help defuse the situation. Sometimes it is also better to remain silent in response to your spouse's attack if you see that he is depressed or angry.

How to get along in character

A common cause of separations and divorces is considered to be dissimilarity of characters, so experts give advice on how spouses with very different temperaments and interests can get along together.

Try not to conflict without a serious reason. When your partner starts an argument, stop and do not give in to provocation. It is better to gently hug and kiss your spouse so that he stops. Do not hide your resentment, do not accumulate irritation and discontent. It’s better to decide everything at once and not remember the sins of a year ago.

Know how to discern your spouse’s mood, even when you think he is wrong. When your significant other is in a bad mood, it is difficult for him to fulfill your wishes.

Don't reproach, in order to simply confuse the spouse, and then, under pressure, force him to fulfill his demand. Psychologists recommend praising first and then criticizing. This advance gives positive results.

4.50 out of 5 (13 Votes)

What is family? This is a union loving people who consciously decided to live together, move into the future together, raise children and share joys and hardships. But over time, in many families there are more adversities than joys, and most often this happens through the fault of the spouses themselves. Of course, it can be difficult for two adults and often strangers to get along on the same territory. Hence the mutual misunderstanding, resentment and quarrels.

Family conflicts are not something special or unusual; they happen to everyone. And only those who can overcome disagreements, learn to always act taking into account the opinion of their partner, reconcile with minor shortcomings and help in solving major problems can call themselves a real family. It is very important to understand that the problem is not conflicts, but what you do to resolve and prevent them.

Types of confrontations within families

Although the classic argued that “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” this is not entirely true and managed to create a very simple classification of confrontations within the family. They have their own characteristics and different levels of danger for the family. But the ways out of them differ very little.

The first type of confrontation within a family is a classic conflict. Quarrels happen even in healthy and happy families. All family members may have their own views on solving existing problems and their own goals. Of course, this sometimes causes conflicts. Such contradictions can arise spontaneously between any family members, but usually they are resolved just as easily. Such short-term conflicts do not pose any threat to the stability of the family and sometimes even help to defuse the situation.

The second type of confrontation is tension. Tension is the presence of long-standing unresolved conflicts that burden family members, but at the same time do not develop or resolve. Such conflicts can be either hidden and suppressed, or open, but in any case they lead to the accumulation negative energy, irritability and hostility. Tension very often leads to a loss of connections within the family.

A crisis is the third type of confrontation, which is characterized by such a high level of tension that the family, as a separate organism, ceases to exist. People may be under the same roof, but the obligations of family members to each other are not fulfilled and there are no opportunities for normal dialogue. Without qualified help, the crisis often ends in the complete breakdown of the family.

These are types of confrontations that differ only in the depth of the problem and the amount of effort required to solve it, but their reasons are almost the same.

Causes of family conflicts

There can be a lot of formal reasons for the start of a conflict - the dinner is tasteless, we raise children incorrectly, we say the wrong thing, we do the wrong thing. And here There are very few real causes of conflict and psychologists have long studied them. We will look at the main causes of conflict in families. At the same time, we will not consider the open polygamy of one of the spouses, addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling, since it is extremely difficult to solve these problems without the help of specialists.

The first reason is haste when starting a family. The most frequent quarrels arise among couples who got married thoughtlessly, because of first love, fear of losing a loved one due to moving, etc. When passions subside, love turns from a stormy waterfall into a river, the child grows up, and no one goes anywhere anymore, it turns out that the newlyweds did not know each other at all and they do not have much in common. So quarrels begin for no reason and “out of the blue.”

The second most common reason is financial problems. If a family does not have enough money every day, there is no normal housing or the opportunity to purchase something necessary, this puts each of its members into a state of depression. Constant dissatisfaction with the standard of living sooner or later results in mutual accusations and quarrels. It’s very good if you can turn financial problems around in such a way that they unite the family to solve them. But more often the opposite happens.

Relationships with parents are another factor that has destroyed many families. Mom and dad are the closest people to each of us, and if they interfere in the affairs of married children, in most cases this leads to conflicts between spouses. Families are also negatively affected by frequent moves, business trips and too busy work schedules, which interfere with spending time together.

The most dangerous periods in a family's life

Considering the factors that most often lead to problems within families, psychologists have identified the most “conflict-dangerous” periods when family breakdown is most likely. Of course, knowledge does not guarantee that you will be able to avoid them, but it is better at this time to be more attentive to yourself and your significant other.

The very first period - the first year life together. The newlyweds have to get used to the new situation and to each other. Of course, everyone has shortcomings and this often leads to misunderstandings and quarrels. There can be many reasons for conflict, but most often it is the transfer of the parents’ family model to one’s own newly created family. Conversations begin about how “my mom” or “my dad” does it. In addition, these are different habits, taste preferences, these are two different people in the same house.

Almost the same conflict arises after the birth of the first child. Again, you need to get used to the new family member, rearrange your day to take into account his interests and needs, change your habits and get new responsibilities. If there are also disagreements about education or treatment, then daily quarrels cannot be avoided.

Less dangerous conflicts arise every time there are big changes in the family. This could be the birth of a new child, a change of job, children growing up, spouses retiring, etc. Children in adolescence often provoke conflicts.

The impact of family conflicts on a child

Family conflicts have an extremely negative impact on children. Even if there is no screaming or overt aggression, children perfectly notice and feel the alienation between parents, falsehood and understatement. If conflicts are accompanied by abuse and even, then this can become a huge stress for the child, and the cause of emotional and mental disorders. In addition, children raised in such an environment will find it difficult to create normal family, since they will not have an example of “how to do the right thing.”

The worst thing is when a child becomes not only a witness, but also an active participant in the conflict. If they try to use a child as a means of manipulating other family members or forcing them to choose one side, this will most likely lead to the complete destruction of family relationships. It is the child who will suffer the most in this situation, since he loses not only his family, but also a sense of security, confidence in his parents, a role model and a model for building his future family.

A small child should never witness quarrels. If an older child witnesses a quarrel, then it is necessary to explain to him that adults sometimes conflict, but this in no way concerns him, the child, and his parents always love him.

Resolving family conflicts

Each conflict can have a different impact on the future of the family - some conflicts destroy families, others strengthen them. Typically, psychologists recommend avoiding the stage of tension. If something doesn't go the way you would like, you just need to talk and look for a solution to the problem. Constant tension is exhausting and usually leads to Before starting a heart-to-heart conversation, think carefully about its reasons, formulate a clear position and proposals for solving the problem. Even if you are sure that you are right, be sure to listen to other family members and try to understand their position. Now your task is not to convince everyone of your superiority, but to search for the causes of the conflict and opportunities to eliminate them. The result of the conversation should not be an admission that you are right by the whole family, but a common solution to the problem and outlined steps to resolve the conflict. By the way, everyone must follow the accepted rules for resolving their conflict.

Conflict prevention (video: “How to avoid basic conflicts in the family?”)

Learning how to properly resolve conflicts is, without a doubt, very important. But it is much more important to learn to prevent their occurrence. To avoid frequent conflicts, you need to stop idealizing your partner and accept him with all his shortcomings. You need to understand that we are all different and try to show maximum tolerance in resolving any issues. You can't start a fight if you just don't agree on small things. If a quarrel does arise, you must not get personal, allow insults, or try to “hurt” the other side of the conflict as much as possible. All your efforts must be concentrated on finding a way out of the conflict and not escalating it.

It is very important to give up selfishness and stubbornness. Remember, your partner also has his own opinions, self-esteem, plans and desires. Try to find something in common or a way to defuse the situation. Hidden aggression leads not only to family breakdown, but also to numerous diseases, for example, hypertension and. If you feel that everything is boiling inside and you want to say something very offensive, it is better to remain silent, count to 10 and only then start speaking. While you are counting to 10, remember that you independently chose this person as your life partner, you have or are planning children together and dreamed of living together until old age, these feelings cannot disappear immediately, you just need to remember them more often.

1. Introduction……………………………………………………….....3

2. Main part……………………………………………………………...4

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them………………4

3. Practical part……………………………………………………..9

4.Conclusion……………………………………………………..10

5. List of references……………………………………………………………11

1. Introduction

Family conflicts are a hot topic in modern society, unfortunately. I would like to help a young family figure out what conflicts exist, what solutions are available, and how to prevent these family conflicts. After all, family is the most valuable thing in the world. This is mutual understanding and mutual respect for each other. And I wouldn’t want everything to collapse due to misunderstanding.

2. Main part

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Any family encounters problematic situations in the course of its life, the resolution of which is carried out in conditions of contradictory individual needs, motives and interests. Conflict is defined as a collision of opposing goals, interests, positions, and opinions.

Family conflicts are divided into conflicts between: spouses, parents and children, spouses and parents of each spouse, grandparents and grandchildren. Marital conflicts play a major role in family relationships. They often arise due to the dissatisfaction of the spouses' needs. The causes of marital conflicts can be identified: -psychosexual incompatibility of spouses; - dissatisfaction with the need for the significance of one’s “I”, disrespect for dignity on the part of the partner;

- unmet need for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention and understanding;

- addiction of one of the spouses to excessive satisfaction of their

needs (alcohol, drugs, financial expenses only for yourself);

- failure to satisfy the need for mutual assistance and mutual understanding on issues of housekeeping, raising children, in relation to parents, etc.;

- differences in leisure needs and hobbies.

In addition, factors influencing conflict in marital relationships are identified.

relationships. These include crisis periods in family development.

First year married life characterized by conflicts of adaptation to each other, when two “I”s become one “We”. There is an evolution of feelings.

The second crisis period is associated with the birth of children:

Opportunities for professional growth of spouses are deteriorating.

They have fewer opportunities for free implementation in personally attractive activities (hobbies, hobbies).

The wife's fatigue associated with child care can lead to a temporary decrease in sexual activity.

There may be clashes of views between spouses and their parents on issues

raising a child

The third crisis period coincides with middle marital age, which is characterized by conflicts of monotony. As a result

By repeating the same impressions over and over again, spouses become saturated with each other.

The fourth period of conflict between spouses begins after 18-24 years of marriage. Its occurrence often coincides with the approaching period of involution and the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children.

External factors have a significant impact on the occurrence of marital conflicts: the deterioration of the financial situation of many families; excessive employment of one of the spouses (or both) at work; impossibility of normal employment of one of the spouses; long-term absence of one’s own home; lack of opportunity to place children in a child care facility, etc.

In modern society, family conflicts and society itself are affected by the growth of social alienation; decline in moral values, including traditional norms of sexual behavior; a change in the traditional position of women in the family (the opposite poles of this change are the complete economic independence of women and the housewife syndrome); crisis state of the economy, finance, social sphere of the state.

Resolution of marital conflicts depends primarily on the ability of the spouses to understand, forgive and give in. One of the conditions for ending the conflict between loving spouses is not to achieve victory. Victory due to the defeat of a loved one can hardly be called an achievement. It is important to respect the other, no matter what fault lies with him. You need to be able to honestly ask yourself (and most importantly, answer yourself honestly) what really worries you. It is better to come to mutual understanding yourself and not drag others into your conflicts - parents, children, friends, neighbors and

acquaintances The well-being of the family depends only on the spouses themselves.

It is worth special mentioning this radical method of resolving

marital conflicts like divorce. According to psychologists, it is preceded by a process consisting of three stages:

a) emotional divorce, expressed in alienation, indifference of spouses to each other, loss of trust and love;

b) physical divorce resulting in separation;

c) legal divorce, which requires legal registration of the termination of the marriage.

For many, divorce brings relief from hostility, hostility, deception and the things that have darkened their lives. Of course, it also has negative consequences. They are different for divorcees, children and society. The woman who usually leaves behind children is most vulnerable to divorce. She's more than

male, susceptible to neuropsychiatric disorders. The negative consequences of divorce for children are much greater compared to

consequences for spouses. A child loses one beloved parent, and in many cases mothers prevent fathers from seeing their children.

The child often experiences peer pressure regarding the absence of one of his parents, which affects his neuropsychic state. Divorce leads to the fact that society gets an incomplete family, the number of teenagers with deviant behavior increases, and crime increases. This creates additional difficulties for society.

Families may also experience conflicts between parents and children.

One of the most common problems in Everyday life.

So why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

1. Type of intrafamily relationships. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relationships. In a harmonious family, a fluid balance is established, which manifests itself in the design of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of a family “We”, and the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relationships,

expressed in conflict interaction between spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members and a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features are distinguished

destructive types of education:

Disagreements between family members on issues of education;

Contradiction, inconsistency, inadequacy;

Guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;

Increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations,

3. Age-related crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is transition period from one stage child development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, and irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They develop a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. The following age-related crises of children are distinguished:

First year crisis (transition from infancy to early childhood);

The “three-year-old” crisis (the transition from early childhood to preschool age);

Crisis of 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

Crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence 12-14 years old);

Teenage crisis 15-17 years old.

4. Personal factor. The environment of the personal characteristics of parents,

contributing to their conflicts with children, a conservative method is identified

thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and harmful

habits (drinking alcohol, etc.). Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts in question can be presented as the result of mistakes made by parents and children.

Highlight following types relations between parents and children:

The optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

According to experts who study the family, compatibility between marriage partners is not always achieved and usually not immediately (Kovalev S.V., Sysenko V.A.). Any, even the most private aspect of internal, deep-seated incompatibility will inevitably manifest itself on the surface in the form of behavioral conflicts.

According to N.V. Grishina’s definition, a conflict is a bipolar phenomenon (a confrontation between two principles), manifesting itself in the activity of the parties aimed at overcoming contradictions, and the parties are represented by an active subject (subjects).

Conflict- this is a common feature of social systems, it is inevitable and inescapable, and therefore should be considered as a natural part of human life. Conflict can be accepted as a form of normal human interaction. It does not always and not everywhere lead to destruction; this is one of the main processes serving to preserve the whole.

The value of conflicts is that they prevent the ossification of the system and open the way to innovation. Conflict is a stimulus for change; it is a challenge that requires a creative response. In a conflict, there is undoubtedly a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach a new level of relations, constructively overcome the crisis and gain new life opportunities.

Kovalev S.V. notes that happy families They are distinguished not by the absence or low frequency of conflicts, but by their low depth and comparative painlessness and consequencelessness.

Types of conflicts.

In social psychology, the constituent elements of conflict are an objective conflict situation, on the one hand, and its images among the participants in disagreements, on the other. In this regard, the American psychologist M. Deutsch proposed considering the following types of conflicts:

A genuine conflict that exists objectively and is perceived adequately (the wife wants to use the free room as a storage room, and the husband as a darkroom).
A random, or conditional, conflict that can easily be resolved, although this is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still space).
Displaced conflict - when behind the “obvious” conflict something completely different is hidden (arguing over a free room, spouses are actually conflicting because of ideas about the role of the wife in the family).
An incorrectly attributed conflict is when, for example, a wife scolds her husband for what he did, carrying out her own order, which she has already completely forgotten about.
Latent (hidden) conflict. It is based on a contradiction that is unconscious to the spouses, but which nonetheless objectively exists.
A false conflict that exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

The real causes of the conflict are difficult to detect due to various psychological factors. Firstly, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular causation (causality) of family relationships, which also manifests itself in marital conflicts.

Causes of marital conflicts.

V. A. Sysenko (1981) divides the causes of all marital conflicts into three large categories:

conflicts based on unfair distribution of labor (different concepts of rights and responsibilities);
conflicts due to unmet needs;
quarrels due to shortcomings in upbringing.

Regarding the first reason, it should be noted that the main thing in the distribution family responsibilities It is precisely their consistency, as a result of which both traditional and egalitarian family models may turn out to be quite acceptable for family well-being if they satisfy both spouses. The search for this consistency can be fraught with conflict. A husband and wife may expect very different things from marriage and have different ideas about their family life. Moreover, the more these ideas do not coincide, the less stable the family is and the more dangerous situations arise in it. In such a case, we can talk about a mismatch of role expectations, a role conflict, or more broadly, a conflict of ideas.

If family members understand their roles differently and present each other with inconsistent, rejected by others, expectations and corresponding demands, the family is obviously incompatible and conflicting. The behavior of each person, which corresponds to his individual ideas about his family role, will be considered by him as the only correct one, and the behavior of the other partner, which does not meet these ideas, as incorrect and even malicious.

Closely related to these expectations and ideas are the needs that spouses would like to satisfy in marriage. If the ideas do not coincide, then the needs are in mutual disagreement: we strive to satisfy not those needs that are relevant for the other, and accordingly, we expect from him to satisfy those of our needs that he is not going to satisfy. Such a mismatch first turns into a hidden and then into an open behavioral conflict, when one of the spouses with his expectations and needs becomes an obstacle to satisfying the desires, intentions and interests of the other.

It is known that the family and marital needs of men and women are very different (Harley W., 1994). Age differences in family and marital needs were also discovered: if at a young age (20-30 years old) the emotional, sexual, spiritual side of relationships (sincerity and openness in communication) is most important for women, then at the age of 30-40 and 40-50 years, along with On the communicative side, the husband’s dedication to the family (the man’s fulfillment of paternal responsibilities towards children) becomes increasingly important, and after 50 years - financial support from the husband and help around the house (Andreeva T.V., Pipchenko T.Yu.

Conflicts in the family are also influenced by inadequate and contradictory family and marital ideas and expectations. In the psychological literature, three main reasons are identified for the discrepancy between family and marriage ideas of young people (Kovalev S.V.).

The first reason is due to the fact that our ideas about marriage and family become more refined and saturated with details, as the family becomes less and less consistent with the functioning pattern that has developed over centuries.

The previously existing scheme for transferring family experience from parents to children began to fail more and more often. Thus, according to a survey conducted in Estonia back in the mid-1970s, only 12% of newlyweds intended to completely follow the example of their parents in their relationships, about 60% intended to do this partially, and the rest saw their family as completely different from their parents’ family. (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.).

The second reason is that family and marriage ideas are currently very far from ideal. Research conducted in Vilnius showed that these ideas are often limited to one aspect of life, mainly household or sexual. It turned out that in most cases the responsibilities of the gender to which the interviewee belonged were discussed in more detail, rather than those of the opposite gender. The greatest discrepancy between young men and women was in their ideas about how to maintain good family relationships. Representatives of the stronger sex saw their main task in her material support, forgetting about the moral and emotional support that a husband is obliged to provide to his wife. In contrast, representatives of the fairer sex emphasized the importance of this support and discussed it in detail.

The third reason is that the conflict of ideas of young spouses can become aggravated and aggravated due to very poor knowledge of each other’s ideas. This happens, firstly, because during the period of premarital courtship they prefer to discuss any topics except those that directly relate to family relationships. Secondly, the very short duration of this premarital courtship prevents them from finding out each other’s ideas.

In marital relationships, the role of marital communications, communication skills and culture is very important (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, which often lead to conflicts.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify the 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy people family unions. It turned out that in unhappy families, spouses:

do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
poorly understand the feelings of another;
say words that irritate another;
often feel unloved;
do not pay attention to others;
have an unmet need for trust;
feel the need for a person they can trust;
rarely compliment each other;
often forced to yield to the opinion of another;
wish for more love.

S.V. Kovalev argues that for the happiness of a family, a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is necessary:

normal conflict-free communication;
trust and empathy;
understanding each other;
normal intimate life;
having a home.

V. A. Sysenko divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.

Conflicting marital unions include those in which there are areas between the spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly come into conflict, giving rise to particularly strong and lasting negative emotions.

Crisis ones are those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is particularly sharp and affects important areas of the family’s life.

Troubled marital unions- who are faced with particularly difficult life situations that can cause a significant blow to the stability of a marriage: lack of housing and a long-term illness of one of the spouses, a long-term sentence, etc. However, the objective circumstances of the family’s life influence its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In the specialized medical literature, there is the concept of “neurotic family”, used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from certain neuroses, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on the marital relationship.

A. N. Kharitonov and G. N. Timchenko developed the author’s concept of the essence (definition and signs) of the difficulties of family relationships. According to the authors’ definition, difficult family relationships (family difficulties) are negative, destructive interpersonal relationships in the family, associated with dissatisfaction of basic needs and requiring additional efforts of each family member and the entire family group on the path to achieving harmony, maturity and normal functioning.

Generalized sign of family difficulties is expressed in dissatisfaction or fragmented satisfaction with the basic needs of family members (or at least one spouse) in the process of communication difficulties, dissatisfaction with marriage, and family life in general. Basic single signs of a difficult relationship:

Insufficient psychophysiological compatibility of spouses, including sexual compatibility, negative or unclear perception of physical attractiveness, acceptability of family members to each other.
Insufficient personal maturity of parents, children (or only spouses) in accordance with gender, age, role in the family. Personality indicators: the presence of intrapersonal conflicts, anxiety, immoderation, mental stress, symptoms of neurotic reactions, neuroses; behavioral difficulties, accentuated features; insufficient adequacy in the level of maturity of various personal spheres of a family member; incomplete adaptation in microsocial processes; difficulties in self-regulation of one’s states, feelings, behavior, etc.
Lack of mutual desire to satisfy the basic needs of husband, wife, children on the part of spouses and parents.
The predominant presence in contacts sleeping within the family of negative, destructive emotions and feelings, along with the presence of positive, constructive emotions and feelings.
Cognitive mismatch in perception, understanding, coincidence of values of spouses, parents and children.
Rigidity, conflict, competition, uncompromisingness, poor adaptability in the interpersonal behavior of family members.
Difficult search for methods, methods, types of solutions to various problems in the process of the family life cycle (Kharitonov A.N., Timchenko G.N.).

The perception of conflict situations in married life, first of all, depends on the personal qualities of each spouse. Difficulties in controlling one's own behavior also arise in situations of constant overwork. Thus, married working women have inappropriate reactions in the home environment when they react sharply to the usual pranks or misdeeds of children, husband’s activities, etc.

Many conflicts can be chronic. Typically, chronic conflicts are associated with socio-psychological attitudes of the individual that develop throughout life. This may be a fundamental disapproval of some features of the lifestyle and behavior of the husband or wife. Behind chronic conflicts are unsatisfied needs and fundamental incompatibility of characters, socio-psychological attitudes, views, and life positions. They are characterized by depth and consistency. Most often, from the point of view of spouses, chronic conflicts are practically insoluble and almost always pose a threat to marriage dangerous situation(Sysenko V. A).

Many authors associate conflict in relationships with parental family behavior patterns. Thus, S. Kratochvil notes that an individual learns the male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use the model of parental relationships in his family, regardless of whether he likes them or not. Conflicts in young families are associated with differences in the rules that each spouse has learned from their parental family. Thus, in some families it is customary to resolve conflicts immediately and emotionally, while in others it is customary to resolve them rationally and calmly, after first breaking up and calming down. As a result, people learn various ways conflict resolution in ancestral families and in their own family behave the same way, while everyone believes that they are resolving the conflict correctly, but the other side does not. Each believes that the other is breaking the rules. The same applies to rules regarding housekeeping, financial expenses (saving money or spending it immediately), raising children and many household details (Richardson R.W.). This also applies to the views accepted in ancestral families regarding the priorities of household affairs ( perfect order, comfort, cooking) or raising children, their development, activities with children, their education. Many authors have noted greater stability and lack of conflict in families formed by partners from similar distribution of power, responsibilities and, in general, family structure and values (Kratochvil S). This can also partly explain the greater stability observed by many authors in families formed by “immigrants” from the village: in many aspects of everyday life (who should do what, how to run the household, what is important and what is not).

Tactics for resolving marital conflicts

Speaking about resolving marital conflicts, V. A. Sysenko believes that it is necessary:

maintain a sense of personal dignity for husband and wife;
demonstrate mutual respect and deference at all times;
try to arouse enthusiasm in the other spouse, restrain and pacify manifestations of malice, anger, irritability and nervousness;
do not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner;
do not blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular;
use a joke or any distracting technique to relieve or pause growing mental tension;
resolve looming conflicts by diverting to other safe topics;
do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and betrayal, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy, muffling the suspicions that arise;
remember that in marriage and family it is necessary to demonstrate extreme patience, forbearance, kindness, attention and other positive qualities.

In relation to family conflicts, it is useful to listen to the recommendations of specialists in conflict management and training. interpersonal communication. Destructive tactics (ignoring, belittling the partner’s personality, egocentrism) should be avoided and positive ones should be used. For example, use in interpersonal relationships so-called active listening - a system of actions that help focus the listener’s attention on the partner, activate the partner’s self-expression, perceive and understand what was said (and not said by him). Very relevant in family and marital relations is the use of emphasizing the importance of the partner (statements conveying to the partner messages that his contribution is valued, respected, grateful to him, admired by him), as well as emphasizing the commonality with the partner (statements stating the similarities between the speaker and his partner, common features, commonality of positions, experiences, experiences, etc.).

American family psychotherapist Dean Delis demonstrates an interesting approach to conflict resolution. In his opinion, conflicts caused by the so-called “imbalance of objective circumstances” are the easiest to correct. By this term he understands tense situations that subside in families that find themselves in stressful situations, which D. Delis understands in a broad sense. This includes any changes such as moving, birth of a child, wedding, change in professional status, accident, teenage rebellion etc. The author lists the following tactics for resolving the imbalance of objective circumstances: firstly, one should blame the situation, and not each other (that is, it is necessary to realize the pattern of the changes themselves in relationships); secondly, you should empathize with your spouse (try to take his position and express understanding of his difficulties); thirdly, one should negotiate to restore balance, avoiding vague sincerity. It is necessary to draw up specific and effective short-term and long-term plans to jointly change the situation that has arisen. D. Delis believes that there is always a way to improve a bad situation if partners take responsibility for finding the best way out and use non-accusatory communication tactics.

Structured family therapy techniques: “Memories” (memories reveal what is bothering the person in this moment), “Family photographs” (family structure, role behavior, etc.), “Family puppet interview” (the story played out is associated with conflicts in the family), “Draw a dream” (good for children), etc. Sociometric techniques: “Family sculpture” (family members show intra-family relationships by depicting a sculpture), “Family choreography” (family scene without words), etc. Behavioral techniques: “Marital Conference” and “Family Council”, etc.

Unfortunately, conflicts in families are a very pressing topic today. But for many people, family is the most valuable thing they have, which means they need to try with all their might to preserve it and make the relationship as strong as possible. For this reason, we decided to devote today’s article to typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Typical family conflicts

So, from time to time in almost every family problematic situations arise due to conflicting interests, motives and needs. These situations are, in fact, conflictual.

Family conflicts can be different, i.e. such where spouses, children, parents and children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives can act as opposing parties. However, the most common are conflicts between spouses and conflicts between parents and children - they can be called typical family conflicts. Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Family conflicts: conflicts between spouses - causes and resolution

In most cases, conflicts between spouses arise because their needs are not being met. The main causes of such conflicts are:

Incompatibility of spouses in psychosexual terms
Unsatisfied need for confirmation of personal worth and disrespect of one partner for the self-esteem of the other
Unsatisfied need for positive emotions due to lack of attention, understanding, care
The tendency of one of the partners to satisfy exclusively their own needs
An unsatisfied need for mutual understanding and mutual assistance when it comes to issues such as attitude towards parents, raising children, housekeeping, etc.
Different desires for spending free time and differences in hobbies and interests

In addition, there are also special factors that affect marital relationships - these are periods of crisis. It is believed that there are only four such periods.

The first period is the first year of married life. This includes the adaptation of people to each other and the so-called evolution of feelings, when two individuals become one.

The second period is the period when children appear. At this stage, there is a deterioration in the possibility of career and professional growth of the spouses, a reduction in opportunities for independent self-realization not related to professional activities, a state of chronic fatigue of the wife caused by child care and can lead to a temporary decrease in libido, as well as clashes of views of the spouses on the process of raising children.

The third period is the period of middle marital age, during which mainly conflicts of monotony are noted, because the constant presence of spouses with each other and receiving the same impressions influences the oversaturation of people with each other.

The fourth period is the final period, which occurs in most cases after 20-25 years of marriage. Its causes are a feeling of loneliness, which is associated with the fact that children leave their father's house, as well as the approach of old age.

External factors can also have a huge impact on the emergence of conflicts between spouses, such as the constant employment of the husband or wife, family, inability to purchase housing, send children to kindergarten or school, etc. There are also social reasons, for example, changes in moral values, new views on the place of women in the family, economic crises, etc., but this, of course, is already secondary.

The resolution of conflicts between spouses depends on what concessions they are ready to make for each other, what they are ready to understand and forgive (forgive the meme). And one of the main conditions, if spouses really want to resolve the conflict, is to refuse to win in a conflict situation.

You need to understand that victory, if it is achieved at the expense of the defeat of a loved one, is no longer a victory. No matter what fault lies with your loved one, you must always respect him. Therefore, first of all, you need to ask yourself what is the reason for the specific behavior of the “other half” and what worries you the most. In addition, you should avoid one common mistake - telling others about your problems: acquaintances, friends, neighbors and even relatives. Under no circumstances should you do this, because... the well-being of the family is in the hands of the spouses themselves - this is the truth.

The most radical way to resolve conflicts between spouses is divorce. According to family psychologists, it may be preceded by three stages:

Emotional – alienation of partners from each other, indifference, loss of love and trust
Physical – living separately from each other
Legal – documentary divorce

Despite the fact that in many situations, divorce can rid people of hostility, dishonesty, negative emotions and other things that darken their lives, it can also have the opposite consequences - destructive ones. These are neuropsychiatric disorders depressive states, childhood psychological trauma, chronic dissatisfaction with life, disappointment in the opposite sex, etc. Therefore, there must be the most serious reasons for divorce, and the spouses themselves must be sure that this is the right step that will only be beneficial.

Family conflicts: conflicts between parents and children - causes and resolution

Conflicts between parents and children are another type of typical family conflicts that arise no less frequently than conflicts between spouses. The main causes of such conflicts are:

The nature of relationships within the family. Relationships can be harmonious and disharmonious. In a harmonious family, a balance is maintained between psychological roles all family members, and the family “We” is formed. In disharmonious families, conflicts between spouses, mental tension, neurotic disorders and chronic anxiety in children are observed.
Destructive family education. It is characterized by disagreements between spouses on issues of upbringing, inadequacy, inconsistency and contradiction in the upbringing process, prohibitions on any areas of children's life and increased demands on children, as well as condemnations, censures, punishments, and threats.
children. Defined as transitional stages from one stage children's education to another. Here we can note on the part of children irritability, capriciousness, stubbornness, disobedience, conflict with others, mostly with parents. In total, there are several age crises: up to 1 year, 3 years, 6-7 years, 12-14 years and 15-17 years.
Personal factor. This includes both parents and children. Speaking about parents, we can call conservatism and stereotypical thinking. If we talk about children, then we can highlight low academic performance, behavioral disorders, inattention to the words of parents, selfishness, self-confidence, arrogance.

It can be safely said that conflicts between parents and children are the result misbehavior both of them. According to this, such conflicts can be resolved in the following ways.

Firstly, it is necessary to improve the pedagogical culture of parents, which will allow them to take into account psychological characteristics and psycho-emotional states of children due to age.

Secondly, families should be organized on collective ideas. It is necessary to find and determine general prospects for development, responsibilities in the family, family traditions, hobbies and interests.

Thirdly, verbal demands must certainly be supported by actions and educational measures, so that parents are always an authority and an example to be followed.

Fourthly, it is required by everyone possible ways show interest in the inner world of children, take part in their hobbies, concerns and problems, and also cultivate spirituality.

We can summarize everything we have said as follows.

To avoid conflicts in the family, you need to respect not only yourself, but also your loved ones, not accumulate grievances and let as little negativity into your life as possible. Comments should be made gently and tactfully, and problems that arise should be solved together (children, if they do not concern them, should not be involved in them).

You should treat yourself and family members adequately. Remember that you may not always be right. Strive for trust and mutual understanding, be attentive and responsive. Look for common ground, spend leisure time and relax together, engage in family creativity and, most importantly, do not allow the pressure of gray everyday life to paint over you. dark colors The most important thing in your life is love and good relationships with loved ones.

Advice and love, as they say!