The man left someone else for me. A man left another girl for me

Throw tomatoes at me, but learning from other people's mistakes is a waste of time. Until you fall face first into the dirt and get out of this shit, you won’t understand anything. Therefore, I will not say unequivocally that you should not keep a man if he wants to leave. Sometimes it’s useful to grab a stranglehold on someone who no longer needs us, to get enough of our fears and humiliations, to look at ourselves from the outside and not recognize ourselves, to experience pity and disgust for ourselves “beloved”, so that the conscious “enough is enough” finally comes. And never repeat this mistake again. Never. Because it is life-threatening.

A true story that a psychologist told me. Family. Two children. Ten years of marriage. She had long forgotten about her hobbies and interests. All my energy and time go to my children and husband. And he said that he wants a divorce. Met a woman. Love is a carrot. There is no other way. For her it was the end of the world. She decided to keep the infidel. I went to the forest, cut the veins on my hands, called my husband and said: “I can’t survive this, I don’t need my life. Goodbye". In the evening she woke up in the hospital, with her frightened husband nearby: “I’m sorry. Don't worry about anything. I stay". Yes, the husband stayed in the family because he did not want his own children to lose their mother. But what has this woman become? Into an insecure, complex hysterical woman. Her life began to resemble endless torture. Suspicion and jealousy haunted me. It is clear that the husband continued the relationship on the side. And this daily painful sawing of herself into pieces led her, you know where? To an oncologist. Young woman 35 years old! Once beautiful, cheerful and interesting, daring, with her own dreams. And for whom? Well, nothing good comes out of trying to keep a man... Sooner or later you will regret it. And it’s good if you manage to stay healthy. After all, living with the constant feeling that you are not loved is hell. Is not it so?

The famous psychologist Alena Al-As told us what to do if a man decides to leave:

Alena Al-As,
psychologist

“I think it’s better to remain a pleasant memory for a man than an annoying presence. I want to say right away - from practice: a man who has been in a relationship with a woman for a long time rarely decides to leave. As a rule, the reasons for this are: 1) the woman drove away herself; 2) the brain drain on her part has reached a critical mass; 3) a new significant woman has appeared, love has appeared, and the man wants to build new relationships. If you see that the situation is exactly the same as in the first two cases, then you should think about what exactly are you trying to achieve? Is this man significant to you? If yes, then you should reconsider your behavior, otherwise you will still be left alone. Moreover, without trying to change your behavior patterns, you will face the same problems in a new relationship. This is not a call to turn a blind eye to things that are unpleasant for you, just so as not to lose a man! No. You just need to learn to talk about your desires and feelings, compromise and behave wisely as a woman. If someone else appears in a man’s life, I advise you not to consider this as your personal loss. It happened that way. Usually women try to fight for a man in this situation, but, as a rule, the result is disappointing.”

By fighting for a man, you simply grow his ego, increase his importance, while you yourself turn into a desperate feminine creature begging for his love. Apart from disdain, such a female role will not cause anything in a man. And love just can’t be returned

But what if there are children? How not to fight?! You can try, but the ending is predictable. And think: do children really need such an example? Maybe it’s better to discuss further ways of interaction, while maintaining your own dignity, than to show your children their mother as begging and humiliated?

Another situation is when a man leaves, saying: “I need freedom / I haven’t had enough of a walk / I’m not ready for a relationship yet,” - this means only one thing: he needs freedom from you, and he is not ready for a relationship with you specifically. As a rule, if he has the feeling that he has found his woman, such excuses disappear by themselves. In this particular case, attempts to keep a man will not lead to the desired result.

Accept that you are a transit point for him and he will build a life with someone else. This situation must be accepted with dignity. This is just not your person. If the pattern “met, lived together, left for someone else” has become habitual, then there is a reason to consult a psychologist

In general, sick relationships should be ended in any case. If during a breakup it “blows the roof off” - this is not always love. Most often it’s just emotional dependence. Disease. Identifying yourself only with your partner and nothing else. And without the help of a specialist it is difficult to cope with it. If, during a breakup, the light came together like a wedge and you don’t want to live, run to a psychologist. It often happens: he hits, drinks, walks, but still I won’t let go. Because mine has grown, I can’t imagine any other life. This is not love. All because they got hooked on a sick relationship like a needle. And why? Because at some point they crossed a line that is dangerous to cross. Dreams and big plans were thrown on the far shelf. Relationships have superseded everything. They forgot about themselves as an individual with their own ideas. His desires are your desires. So we fell into a trap. This is what I mean... The fact that you don’t need to be afraid of parting with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t respect you. Emotional addiction can be cured. It will only be difficult at first. But you need to constantly remind yourself that it won’t always be like this, it will pass, everything will change.

How to let a man go and end a sick relationship? The advice of psychologists boils down to one thing: the main thing you need to do is MAKE A DECISION. Final and irrevocable. Alas, this is the most difficult thing. Next - SURVIVE the situation. Give yourself time to “cry”, but don’t delay it too much. If you keep everything to yourself or, conversely, sob for weeks, you can fall into deep depression. After several days of seclusion, you need to switch. To work. For a trip. To what has always brought you joy. It will get easier every month. From time to time, breakdowns and hysterics may occur, but the further you go, the fewer of them there will be. The hardest thing is to survive the first six months after a breakup. Then the so-called withdrawal goes away. You will feel like a full-fledged independent person. And this will be a wonderful start to your new life.

Seeing a lot of girls in your house is good news.

For men, seeing a nice-looking girl in a dream means big expenses.

Kissing her is a sign of unexpected and joyful events that will surprise you.

A very young girl with a fresh blush on her face, which you dreamed of, means that you are about to have a pleasant meeting with a nice person, which will significantly improve your mood.

An ugly girl you dreamed of foreshadows a disruption in the normal and calm course of your affairs or way of life. Sometimes such a dream foreshadows obstacles in business.

A sick girl in a dream is a harbinger of bad news from a loved one. Perhaps someone close to you will get sick, which will greatly upset you.

A dancing girl of a pleasant appearance in a dream means a love date or good news.

Buying or catching a girl in a dream is a sign of promotion; for a prisoner - release; for a sick person - recovery; for a rich person - benefit.

A sad girl (or crying) in your dream means discord between lovers or partners.

For a mother to see a blossoming young girl in her dream, the dream foretells receiving good news from her children.

For a woman, being a girl in a dream is a harbinger of a pleasant pastime, which may be fraught with consequences for her, which will not slow down on her reputation.

For a man, such a dream is a sign of ill health.

For people of creative professions - a surge of inspiration.

See interpretation: lady, freak.

Interpretation of dreams from the Family Dream Book

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I found myself in a situation that I couldn’t even think of before. My brother has a friend, he’s lived with his wife almost since high school, now he’s over 30, has no children, but he really wants it, but it doesn’t work out. And I divorced my husband some time ago, I was left alone with a child in my arms, we began to communicate a little, at first he just helped, entertained, but our relationship went very far, it even came to sex, he often stays overnight, he says, that he fell in love, but is not yet ready to leave his wife, he constantly complains about her. What is this on his part? Just an earworm? Or is there still a chance that he will leave for me?

Maria, Saratov, 24 years old / 10/16/17

Our experts' opinions

Alyona

Maria, you answered your own question. More precisely, you know the correct answer to it, and it is present in your letter. A man has been living with his wife for ten years, they have no children, but he does not leave her, despite the fact that he “really wants children,” in his words. Moreover, he takes a mistress who has already proven her ability to bear children, but “he’s not ready to leave his wife yet.” What does this mean? That's right: he's just using you. He is not going to leave his wife. His biological clock is not ticking, he is a man, and at 40 and 50 it is not too late for him to become a dad. And if he is “not ready” to leave his childless wife, then she suits him. After all, there are no special obstacles to the separation of two partners who did not have time to produce offspring. No broken children's destinies, no alimony, no visits to children on weekends and manipulation of them. So if he's not "ready" to leave, then he doesn't want to. Perhaps there are no children there yet by mutual consent - not all couples are in a hurry with this question (I, for example, know couples who did not have children for more than 10 years, because they wanted to first live for themselves, and then after 35 years gave birth - some gave birth to one, some managed three). There was, however, one curious couple among my friends, where there were no children for 10 years, the husband checked everything he could, the wife too (she assured that she had been checked), and then, purely by chance, the husband found out that she had been taking birth control pills all this time because she didn’t want children from him. This couple divorced after the relationship was clarified, and both found partners within a year and a year later each already had a child. But I wouldn’t recommend hoping that your lover’s wife is the same insidious lady. In that couple, the husband was faithful to his wife. And in your story, it was he who went left. And now I’ll say something banal, but you shouldn’t trust a man who deceives his wife. After all, there is no guarantee that he is only deceiving his wife, you understand? Your relationship has already crossed the border of façade communication, when it is still scary to frighten off or misunderstand (mistake flirting for falling in love and turn out to be funny) - you are already having sex. So, there is nothing wrong with giving a guy a choice. Either he decides who he is with, or he goes to his wife. No intermediate options. Because while you are all hopeful, naively dreaming of a happy life together with him, he and his wife can work hard on their child. And one day he, looking down, will say that he, of course, loves you, and not his wife, but it so happened that she still became pregnant, and he, as an honest person, cannot leave her at such a moment. Well, then everything will develop completely according to the classical scenario.
Sergey

Maria, I personally believe that a man who really wants to be with some woman will do everything possible for this, and even more. And neither his family, nor his children, nor even his position in society can stop him. History knows many examples of such cases, and if you think about it, you will probably find several similar options among your friends. If a guy doesn’t want to part with his wife, and at the same time wants to have an affair on the side, it means that he doesn’t feel anything serious either there or there. He can say anything, but in reality he only strives to satisfy his simple desires, such as accessible “leftist” sex, and nothing more. And the role of the “girlfriend” in this layout is nothing more than an eternal lover. No, of course, if the legal wife finds out and kicks out such a cadre, then he can marry the next one in line. But she still won’t be the last. Such comrades quickly restore their usual position and find a new “outside” outlet. Therefore, I would advise you to put the question bluntly: “Either you are with me or with your legal wife.” And if the young man starts looking for options to delay the decision, kick him out as soon as possible. Otherwise you will only waste your time and nerves. Although, of course, everyone is free to ruin their life as they wish. But then don’t say later that you didn’t warn me.

Instructions

First, you need to remember that men disappear from your life from time to time. That's their nature. The reason for this phenomenon is the desire to arouse the jealousy of your beloved, in order to once again be convinced of her love and increase your sense of self-worth. That is why it is necessary to find out what is the reason for the current situation. Perhaps you had a fight not long ago, or your relationship has simply stabilized, and the young man just wants a little freedom. Maybe he needs to spend time with his friends only, without you, several times a week. In any case, before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully analyze the situation, taking into account all the details.

Often, men tend to say thoughtless words to their significant other. That is why, if during a quarrel you hear the phrase “I don’t love you,” you should not blindly and unconditionally believe it. Most likely, this phrase was said only in a fit of anger, but in fact he does not think so. If he didn't have feelings for you, he would have left a long time ago.

If there has been no warmth, affection and support in your relationship for a long time, you should think about whether there are feelings between you. Of course, if your passion has simply cooled down a little over the years, you can try to “rekindle” it again, but if it simply doesn’t exist, there’s no point in trying. Yes, breaking up is not so easy, but sometimes it is the only way out of the current situation. Just remember that nothing happens by chance in your life. Any parting will definitely be followed by a new meeting.

Before looking for the answer to the question “is a man”, you need to analyze your behavior. Maybe you spend too much time at work and pay little attention to your lover. Do not forget that women by nature tend to dramatize. They can make a big problem out of a small, insignificant quarrel, making a mountain out of a molehill. Of course, any event can cause people to move away, but this does not mean that your relationship is over. In any case, remember, if a man decides to leave, he will definitely inform you about it in a calm atmosphere.

You can understand one thing: when a man leaves forever, he will not contact you, will not answer your calls and messages, maybe even change his phone number and place of residence. Most likely, he will ask his friends not to tell you anything about his existence, he will simply disappear. Your lover’s new relationship can also make you understand that you will never be together again.

By chance, I came across a forum where this issue was discussed. “Does anyone have examples from life when a man left his family for his mistress and regretted it, did he come back? Have your wife and mistress switched places?” The discussion was heated. Of course, the topic is exciting and topical. And I came up with a post on this topic.

Statistics say YES. Or rather, there are much more men who regret it than those who are happy that they left and do not regret anything. Men, just like women, are “unlucky” in new relationships.

Why? Let's figure it out

Men's expectations are not met. In other respects, everything is the same, but more work.

It seems that when he leaves his wife for his mistress, he does not start a new relationship. For some time they met secretly or openly. What changed when the mistress became a wife, albeit a civilian one?

It has changed. For example, a man’s view of relationships and his expectations. One thing is required from a mistress, and something completely different from a wife. A man expects to receive in a new relationship what he did not receive in the past. After all, it was dissatisfaction with family life that led him to bed with his mistress, and then to the decision to create a permanent love union with her. By the way, not all traitors decide to do the latter. More often than not, it is the wives who insist on leaving the family. And if it weren’t for their thunder and lightning, the suitcase displayed at the front door, the requirement to choose “me or her,” many men would have cheated for years and worked on two fronts for years. Not because they like it that way, although that happens. But because it is more difficult for a man to decide on a divorce than for a woman. According to my psychology.

Do lovers understand this? Are you ready to meet men's expectations? Most often not. Which deals blow after blow to a relationship. And now the question creeps into the man’s mind: “Why did I do this?”

The demands placed on a woman who has changed her status from mistress to wife are higher than on an ex-wife. This fact should be taken into account!

In a new relationship, a man does not satisfy his needs.

No matter how trite it sounds, and it has set the teeth on edge, there is no statement more truthful than this: men are simple-minded. However, they are driven by needs, the dissatisfaction of which inevitably leads to a break in the relationship. There are exceptions, but, as they say, they confirm the rules. It is this dissatisfaction that in most cases pushes a man to cheat, to see his mistress, and to leave his family.

It is very important to know about men's needs. This greatly simplifies the process of organizing relationships.

Women are complex creatures. You need everything. And a lot of things. Unlike you women, men are very simple creatures. In reality, it doesn't take much to make us happy. In fact, there are only three things that, by and large, every man needs: support, fidelity and sex.

Just three. And I'm here to tell you over and over again that yes, everything is really like that. Just.

Steve Harvey

Need #1: Support. Men should feel supported - like they are kings, even if they are not. They want to feel like kings, even if they don't act like royalty.

Need #2. Loyalty. For men, love is devotion. This means that no matter what happens, you will be with the man. He gets fired - you stay with him even if he doesn't bring home a paycheck. When talking with your friends, you enthusiastically say: “This is my man. I am faithful to him."

Need No. 3. Sex. No man can live without sex. He will wait if you are on your period - if he loves you. But if he doesn’t care, he won’t persuade you to give affection - he’ll just get it from someone else.

Old rake in new relationship

We all make mistakes. We step on the same rake and again receive a painful blow. The same thing happens in relationships. We bring a suitcase with the past into a new life, unpack it and use its contents - familiar, familiar, but precisely what led to the breakup.

In general, women are best at working on mistakes.
They are more flexible. They live by emotions. And in general, a woman is a process worker. It is her nature that is assigned to the creation of relationships. There is no need to expect an equal contribution from a man to this process. A waste of time and nerves.
It is enough to look into the psychology of men to not so much be upset as to be inspired. Believe me!

The world of a man is an external, objective world. A man can be good at relationships, but initially, by his natural essence, a man’s task is to create objects, repair objects, understand objects. The focus of a man's attention is on the outside world. A man's attention is always outward and seeks what can become his, followed by the action of capturing.

N. Kozlov

Get rid of illusions

Yes, men often regret leaving. Men often ask to return or secretly dream of returning to their family. But you shouldn’t indulge yourself in the illusion that “having suffered,” your prodigal son, excuse me, husband, will return a different person. That he will realize his mistakes, and you will become the queen of the situation. And now the husband, making amends for his guilt, will begin to work on the relationship more than you or even alone.

Nothing like this! Very soon history will repeat itself. If it is not the cause of the disease that is removed, but only its symptoms, then it returns very soon.

If you are suffering and want your husband to return to the family, then you should ask and answer these questions honestly.

Why do you want this so much? Or why do you need this man?
Are you ready to forgive the offense and accept betrayal in peace?
Are you ready to radically change your relationship strategy and tactics and work mercilessly on it seven days a week?

Nothing goes back to normal. You can't step into the same river twice. I wouldn’t create even bigger problems for myself, I wouldn’t feed the devil in my soul, I wouldn’t plunge myself and my loved ones into hell.

We lived for 15 years. He went to his boss. He married her right away, changed jobs so as not to be under her. He left simply insane. Like a zombie. 4 years have passed. We communicate with him only by phone and very rarely, dryly, the only reason is his daughter. I know he's feeling bad. He looks bad and gets sick often. Kind of cool. He told my brother (they are still friends) that everything was not at all as expected, and that he was simply afraid of his new wife. Didn't say he wanted to go back. He didn’t say that he regretted leaving me. And I waited for the first year. Now I don’t expect it, but I don’t have a personal life either. Even flirting. Home, daughter, work. Empty and gray. Why the hell everything was necessary. He's unhappy, I'm unhappy. And this *** is covered in chocolate on all sides. Will never come to me. If he leaves ***, then there will be a third.

Returning your husband to the family or accepting him back only makes sense if you sincerely love your husband and wish him happiness. You understand that you owe your husband and want to repay this emotional debt.

The answers to the other two questions should also be positive. Resentment and old relationship tactics and strategies will not lead you to happiness and balance.

Men often return to their families. This is true. It happens that a woman does not have to work very hard upon his return.
But there is no happiness! But isn’t that the meaning of the union?