How to communicate with a 14-year-old teenage daughter. How to find a common language with a teenager? Communication with adolescents: psychology

V modern world the concept of "teenager" evokes the association of complexity, communication difficulties, incomprehensibility. It is difficult for adults to understand that, being in adolescence, passing from childhood to adulthood (life span of 13-15 years), a teenager feels that he has already grown up, in fact, remaining a child. Remaining in this difficult period for a child as his confidant is a great success, although it is incredibly difficult. To do this, you need to know about those features that appear at this stage of life and shape his personality. The main action of the immediate environment (parents and friends of the older generation) is help and assistance, in other words, to be attentive with him and communicate "in his language." At this time, the young man is in a difficult life period for himself. He is forming his views and opinions on any issue and concept.

Teenagers withdraw into themselves

With a teenager, it is difficult for people around him because it is unbearably difficult for him with himself. He's not sure of anything. He is looking for his purpose in life, focusing only on his own opinion.

Growing stages

In this time period of his life, a young man begins to understand and motivate his own behavior in a new way. It makes sense to lead him.

Psychologists often focus the attention of parents of children in the adolescent period of growing up on this conditional transitional fragment (from 14 to 16 years old) in connection with the ongoing changes in them, both physiological and mental.

Therefore, how exactly this period, called the stage of personal and professional self-determination, is the most difficult in life for a growing adolescent - a boy or a girl.

Emotional sphere adolescents and motivation

At this time, the child is forming his own individual personal position on all issues and situations. She often does not agree with the views and opinions on the same situation in adults, including parents, which leads to conflict, which may result in the loss of mutual understanding and contact relations between them.

Manifestations of psychological neoplasms in adolescents 14 - 16 years old

In order to overcome this most difficult period of life less painfully for the family, it is necessary to understand the psychological neoplasms that arise in middle adolescence.

Depending on the development (maturation) of the child's personality, neoplasms in adolescents can appear from the age of 13 and lasts up to 15.

There are several such neoplasms.

Problems in communication with peers in adolescents increase dramatically

Switching your constant communication from teachers and parents to friends - classmates and peers, a little older, but who are an authority for a particular teenager. At this time, he develops skills in social interaction, that is, he learns to obey the opinion of others, but at the same time defending his rights. The consequence of which is the manifestation of two contradictions - belonging to a peer group and the desire for isolation, that is, the presence of their own individual personal space.

Unwillingness to listen to parents and teachers

Changes in the cognitive sphere of the adolescent. Development framework 13-15 years

The term "cognitive sphere" refers to the unification of all human cognitive processes. Such as - attention and memory, intelligence and the development of logical and verbal-figurative thinking. The connection and development of creative abilities takes place in a special way.

Manifesting a phantom sense of adulthood

While still essentially a child, a teenager (more often his age is 13-5 years old) feels and decides that he has already grown up. He has and manifests with increasing frequency the desire to become independent of parental family... He has the first thought about his future profession. He seeks to become "necessary", that is, useful to society and the family. And, of course, the emergence of keen interest in the opposite sex.

Phantom adulthood in adolescents is manifested by prohibited activities

Possible occurrence of school maladjustment

It is caused by ambiguous, usually complex, relationships with teachers or classmates.

Skills of the formation of communication and their own individual personal position in a teenager

With the onset of an acute adolescence, especially in the middle stage, in the life of a person 14-16 years old, there is a reorientation from intrafamily communication between the parental family and the child to the external one - friends, peers - classmates and older adolescents who are authorities.

Most often, at the age of 14, an individual chooses a landmark for himself - an ideal that becomes a life example and confidant for him. Such communication is the main one at this age, since it is the main information channel. In addition, it is a specific type of emotional contact that develops in the adolescent a sense of solidarity, self-esteem, emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships.

Under the influence of an idol, adolescents can change a lot.

As a result of such contact, in order to be like his idol, a 14th teenager can change appearance and the style of communication with the people around him habitually.

There is a change in tastes, an interest in energy and alcoholic beverages and smoking, since it is these qualities that he associates with adulthood.

Cognitive changes in adolescents

During adolescence, especially at its middle stage, there is an improvement in intellectual processes and thinking, which is the basis for the formation of a personality.

An activity-based approach is being implemented in growing up young man, under the influence of comprehensive schooling, part of which is the development of elements of the cognitive sphere of the personality, that is, the functions of the adolescent's psyche.

Teenage distraction leads to learning problems

Such a process as perception, at this age, becomes selective, with the possibility of analytical and critical conclusions.

Attention, during this period, acquires the possibility of clear switching and distribution. Its parameters also improve and develop: the volume increases and stability is strengthened. It becomes arbitrary and controlled by the adolescent himself. This indicates the emergence and manifestation of selective attention.
Memory also develops. It undergoes the same changes as attention - it acquires a completely meaningful character in memorization and comprehension.
In parallel with the above functions of the psyche of a teenager, independent thinking develops in the middle period of growing up of 14-16 years. That allows the child to go over and operate with individual inferences.

Psychological defense is expressed in behavioral disorders

Phantom sense of adulthood

Psychological professionals note that against the background of the developing cognitive sphere of the personality, a teenager has a desire to “be like an adult”. That is, he has a need to bear responsibility for a certain part (zone) of independently performed work.

At the same time, interest in people of the opposite sex is awakening. The first platonic relationship between a boy and a girl arises, most often their age is 13-15 years. The first feeling of falling in love appears. There is a desire to do something pleasant to the person you like, to show constant care about him.

At this age, teenagers experience their first love.

Parents should take into account that excessive interference with this feeling and in this relationship can lead to a deterioration in mutual understanding between them and their child. As a consequence, cause him to be alienated and withdrawn. Parents are advised not to hinder the development of this relationship, but also not to encourage it.

In the same period, desires for self-earning the first money come. The motivation is the desire to become financially independent, so as not to once again beg for funds for their personal needs from their parents and not give them an account of where and how they were spent. Also, this can include motivation for socially useful activities, as a result of encouragement from authority and adolescent peers.

Many people try to earn their first money in adolescence.

The emergence of school maladjustment

A family with a 14-16 year old teenager often encounters such a manifestation as school maladjustment, that is, the inability to feel comfortable in a group of peers.

The reason for such a situation in a child's life may be a violation of relations (conflict) with teachers, classmates or older students, as a result of the teenager's unwillingness to obey their requirements and tasks.

School maladjustment - the main signs

Outwardly, school maladjustment is expressed in resistance and even complete refusal to attend classes. The child stops doing homework. There is a complete disruption in his educational activities. He tries to communicate with his family less often, trying to solve the problem on his own, which only aggravates it.

Parents should pay attention to the problem of their child (13 - 16 years old), through the above signals and try to help him as soon as possible, having previously consulted with a psychologist, without showing him the child.

You can also involve a school psychologist in the problem, asking him to observe the behavior and reactions of a teenager. Based on the results of his observations, the specialist can offer a program of assistance in this particular case.

How to communicate with a child in adolescence? inna_kriksunova wrote in September 21, 2010

The age from 11-12 to 14-16 years old is called transitional.
Some of us have already gone through this period: our children have become adults, but grandchildren are growing up imperceptibly. For others, children are now in this period. For others, it will come soon.
How to behave with a child so as not to lose contact with him?

Psychologists believe that puberty is divided into two stages: negative-critical (11-13 years old) and positive (13-16 years old). The priorities of a teenager are gradually changing, and by the age of 15-16 he becomes more adult and responsible.

This age is difficult not only because the child begins hormonal changes. His status is also changing: he left the age when he had favorite toys and had a position of a personality dependent on his parents.
The teenager is lost: he feels that something has changed, but does not understand what exactly. At this moment he wants to find new interests, new acquaintances. He reveals his originality and uniqueness.

The teenager is growing rapidly, his skeleton and muscles are changing. All this leads to some disproportionality, angularity. Children feel awkward and awkward at this time.
Many of them experience difficulties in their studies, it fades into the background. A teenager wants everyone - both adults and peers - to treat him not as a child, but as an adult. He claims to be equal in relations with elders and goes to conflicts, defending his position.

The child develops a new perception of the world around him. He begins to critically perceive the system of rules and traditions of society and family. He has a need for independence, the need for independent decision-making, the time comes to gain his own life experience.

If a teenager has a need to work, take care of others, then the process of growing up is significantly accelerated. When he has the opportunity to earn money, there is a certain financial independence. If at the same time he remembers about the responsibilities to the family, then he quickly develops as a person and becomes independent. For example, in the United States there is a long tradition: children begin to earn money on their own from adolescence.

One of the characteristics of adolescence is the need for risk. This is dictated by the desire to assert itself. It is difficult for parents to accept this. The only way to do this is to take risks with your child on your own territory. This is how parents will be able to speak with the teenager in his language and establish mutual understanding.

If you want to maintain contact with your child, recognize him as an adult who has his own views, his rights. Treat his hobbies (risky sports, playing the guitar, writing poetry, extravagant outfits, etc.) seriously, without irony, because he can perceive any joke as an insult to his feelings. This can provoke withdrawal and distrust.

You will have to forget that a parent is a person whose opinion is not discussed. Once you used this status, but everything has changed: your child becomes independent. Now the best way for both sides is friendly relations.
Your experience gives you an edge. But don't use it as a weapon. Instead, help your child solve problems and provide suggestions for getting out of difficult situations.

In adolescents, the nervous system has not yet formed. Emotions prevail over consciousness. But the teenager still lacks the experience to cope with them and control them. Therefore, he can break down for the most insignificant reason.
Often, not being able to assess the situation objectively, a teenager is delighted with a person who has committed a bad deed. Conversely, he may begin to treat a person badly just because of one single mistake that he made.

Teenagers often confuse stubbornness with will, rudeness with courage, mischief with decisiveness. They do not yet distinguish between socially positive and negative behavior. Asserting their right to adulthood, they show stubbornness, isolation, and audacity. Any guardianship and control arouse sharp discontent and resistance.
Assessment of their actions in adolescents is uncritical. Hence their desire to justify themselves, to place the blame on chance or on other people.
Emotional excitability in a teenager is increased, and all this is combined with a lack of life experience. The teenager wants to be reckoned with. He's very vulnerable. If earlier he easily forgot grievances, now they sink deeply into the soul.

During this period, he has a keen interest in the opposite sex, sex, eroticism. Inexperience, naivety, and a high degree of suggestibility induce adolescents to imitate adults, to use an "independent" style of behavior. This is expressed in smoking, drinking alcohol, early initiation of sexual activity ...

During this period, it becomes difficult to communicate with the child. The problem is that we express our requests and wishes to an adult in the correct form. And in relation to a teenager, we consider it optional. But even when we present our demands to him in a courteous manner, then, not seeing the appropriate reaction from him, we hasten to immediately achieve an immediate result. You shouldn't press: the teenager has an internal struggle of motives. His negative reaction to your request is self-defense against someone else's intrusion into the process of the internal struggle of motives. Do not speed up this process, show endurance and patience!

Help your child get through this difficult period. Warm him with your love, tell him about his merits, let him feel the joy of life. Be persistent and patient, remember how difficult it is for your son or daughter now - they form an adult in themselves.

Based on articles.

When building your communication with a teenage child, you need to take into account many features, the main of which will be due to their transitional age. There are several ways to properly communicate with your teenager.

Proper division of roles in the family

Many parents choose a relationship with their child that is more like a friendship. But such communication between an adult and a teenager is not entirely correct. Indeed, in this case, there will be no parental superiority over the child, and this should not be so. Parents should be the support of their own child, he should feel support and help in the parents. Parents must accept Active participation in the life of a teenager.

If a teenager asks for help or advice, in no case should you refuse him due to lack of time. Communication between parents and a teenager at this moment will be especially important, so it is better to postpone all your affairs.

Raising responsibility in a teenager

A child aged 16-17 should be aware of a sense of responsibility. This will help him in life. Indeed, in order for him to be able to stand on his own two feet, he must achieve a lot. For this, from childhood, it is necessary to distribute a certain range of responsibilities around the house to him. With this communication between an adult and a teenager, he must learn to perform the assigned tasks.

The main thing is communication with a teenager

Protecting your teenage child

Even considering that at this age teenagers want to seem like adults, they still remain children. Therefore, if any situation occurs in which the child needs the protection of the parents, in order for them to believe him, it is imperative to understand how to communicate with the teenager's parents and support him.

It is also necessary to show interest in the child's hobbies. You need to know what he enjoys, what kind of music he prefers, with whom he communicates, etc. The attention shown in this way to the child will certainly be appreciated by him. And then how to communicate with adolescents parents will become more understandable.

There are several rules for communicating well with teenagers. By observing them, you can gain trust on the part of children and avoid many problems.

Even the very concept “ adolescence»Is associated with problems. Adults realize that their children are being attacked by hormones, and colossal changes are taking place in the psychological sphere. However, this does not help them in any way in establishing contact with their own, until recently, such small and naive children. The best solution is to sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help solve difficulties in communicating with a teenager.

A few words about the stages of growing up

The growing up process can be roughly divided into 3 main stages:

Childhood. This period lasts up to about 11 years.
Younger adolescence. 11-14 years old.
Senior adolescence. 15-18 years old.

Each of the stages of growing up has its own characteristics. Most often, problems arise with adolescents aged 14-16 years. Children begin to understand themselves and the motives of their actions in a different way. To prevent physiological and mental changes from becoming an obstacle in the relationship between adolescents and their parents, adults have to make an effort. It will be much easier if you contact me in time.

Why are there difficulties in communicating with a teenager?

At about 13-14 years of age, the focus of a teenager's attention shifts from parents, teachers and mentors to peers. Friends, classmates, older comrades become more significant than before. Children begin to be guided by their opinion, but at the same time strive to preserve their own individuality. This becomes the cause of internal conflicts.

The teenager has new needs. They are well displayed in the table. (see screenshot. image is clickable)... These needs are partially met by the emergence of idols - the ideals to which adolescents aspire. Often this is someone from the elders. It is such a comrade who becomes a confidant, an authority.

Under its influence, a teenager can change his image, style of dress, communicate with peers and adults. Often it has an influence, hence the experiments with nicotine, alcohol, drugs. If this happens to your child, you need psychological help.

Between 14-16 years of age, there are positive changes in the thinking of adolescents:

Concentration improves. It becomes easier for the teenager to complete the tasks. It is easier for him to switch to other things, if necessary.
Memory develops. The child becomes less distracted, remembers and comprehends information better.
Self-thinking becomes apparent. The teenager is already able not only to perceive and reproduce information, but also to make his own conclusions.

The teenager experiences a phantom sense of adulthood. He is quite capable of coping with complex tasks and is ready to take responsibility for the results of his activities. In the same period, there is a craving for the opposite sex, the first love. It is accompanied by anxiety, fear of rejection, and any attempts by adults to intervene in feelings are abruptly and rudely suppressed. (see screenshot. Image is clickable)

A teenager often has problems with adults. He often gets offended, feels rejected and alone. Hence the rudeness, harshness towards parents. They should show patience and understanding so as not to provoke serious conflicts.

Don't lecture. Lecture material in the style of "in our time ..." is a pointless waste of time. The child will not hear you at all.
Don't blame. If your child has done something wrong, formulate your claims something like this: "It upsets me that you ..."
Do not intimidate with “serious talk”. as if between times - for homework or during a walk together. There is no need to put him in front of him and interrogate him. This is a non-constructive approach.
Communicate in a format that is closer to your child. Of course, the easiest way is to call and arrange for a biased interrogation. But if you really want to get necessary information, send a couple of jokes to the chat, a funny video, and then you can ask about business. The likelihood of getting a detailed answer increases.
Don't criticize interests. Surely, your child's hobbies seem strange to you, but try to understand what exactly and why he likes. It will bring you closer.
Praise. Your child needs approval now more than ever. His self-esteem is unstable. Praise him for any reason.
Don't be categorical. The words "always" and "never" are unacceptable when communicating with a teenager. Give yourself and him room to maneuver.
Do not Cry. As much as the teen's behavior infuriates you, keep your emotions in check.
Have a conversation. If the child answers the questions in monosyllables, discuss topics of interest to him, specify the details. Seeing your interest, the teenager will start talking.
Do not panic. In many ways, parents themselves provoke the closeness of their children. Don't make an elephant out of a fly. If a child confessed sympathy for someone, this does not mean that you will become a grandmother right now. Interest in a beautiful singer does not mean a desire to do plastic surgery... Better clarify and communicate openly.

A teenager is a whole world, complex, but incredibly interesting. If the difficulties in communicating with him seem insurmountable to you, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist at our Center in Saratov.

Remember, all problems can be solved, including those related to adolescents. The main thing is to pay attention to them in time and take the right actions.

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Are you familiar with the following situation? In the morning, your son (teenager) retires in the bathroom for a long time, and this is at the time when you rush to work. You think, “How could I raise such an inattentive child? He is showing real disrespect to me! " Meanwhile, in the bathroom, your son is excitedly looking at his reflection in the mirror and thinking: "I will never go to school with such a huge pimple!" You lose patience and go to shout, knock on the door and demand that he hurry. He shouts in response: “God, you don't understand anything! Leave me alone!". When he finally comes out, he is silent and ignores all your comments. As a result, you are still late for work and feel completely overwhelmed, wondering: “Why is my child not listening to me? Will he always contradict me now? "

Distance and temper are often the only ways your teenager communicates when in a difficult situation, which, in turn, provokes more conflicts. You and your teen are two different worlds, two different points of view, a giant rift in understanding, and your communication can be a real puzzle.

Many parents know firsthand that the more they dominate their children, the more they meet with resistance and persistence in defending their youthful views. Teens react violently or shut down and think, “My parents don't know the answer, so what's the point in trying to open up to them? I will only negatively dispose of them. " You must understand that being silent or overreacting is their attempt to cope with stress and to defend themselves. They just don't know other, more constructive ways.

Here are five for real useful secrets that you can apply when dealing with your children during their difficult adolescence.

1. Try to do everything to make the children want to hear you. There is a simple and universal secret that will help you effectively communicate with your teenager: no matter how difficult it is, try to start all your conversations with a sincere attempt to understand your child, even if you absolutely disagree with him or do not yet understand what. he's trying to tell you.

For example: your daughter, instead of doing her homework, is online chatting with her friends. It drives you crazy, and you immediately begin to worry and think: “If she does not pass the tests, she will never go to university. What future awaits her? " At the same time, your daughter thinks quite differently: “I absolutely need to talk to Ira. If we don’t make up today after our quarrel in the assembly hall, all the girls will turn against me, and tomorrow at school no one will want to talk to me ”. Again, here they are - two different perceptions of the world.

Try to start with the following: “I understand how hard it is for you because you quarreled with your best friend... I also know that you are going to take this test tomorrow. Studying at school is your job, you are responsible for doing it to the best of your ability. Let's sit down and come up with good way plan your evening so that you have time for everything. " Just don't say “I understand, but ...”, it will immediately disqualify everything you just said.

Start with a genuine understanding of both the starting point and try to put yourself in his shoes before telling your child about the changes and adjustments to make in your life. This approach can "open the ears" of your children in an almost miraculous way. They will no longer want to defend themselves against you, on the contrary, they will be interested in listening to your words.

2. Try to remove your emotional reaction. The moment you try to reach out to your teenager, emotions can be your enemy. Remind yourself that everything he says and does, he does not at all in order to annoy you or reproach you with something. Yes, you may not like his behavior or way of thinking, but try to keep your emotions to yourself, even if this behavior affects your general condition. It’s not easy, it’s hard, but it’s a skill you can learn like any other skill.

Before starting a conversation with a child, it is advisable to mentally repeat the following: "It's like business negotiations, nothing personal." When you really learn to think that way, you have no reason to be angry with your child for being himself. His choice may be wrong, but this is only because he does not yet have the right set of skills to get out of the situation more productively.

So your task is to accompany him on the path to making a more competent and balanced decision, in every possible way contributing to the development of the necessary skills. When you accept this as your parenting task, you become less emotional. If you are in a state of frustration, remember not to take it personally. Tell yourself that this is just a common pending problem and is part of your current parenting issues.

3. Ask open-ended and interesting questions, but not confrontational ones. Ask your teen to share their ideas and support them. Let him see that you believe in him and do not get angry at his belligerent attempts to establish yourself in this life. When you exercise faith in his ability and give him personal space to make his own decisions, you initiate the development of real self-confidence in your child.

Don't ask confrontational questions that might make your child want to defend against you: “Why can't you get up on time? What's going on with you?". Better to use an open form of dialogue: "Do you have any ideas on how to get up on time?" If he says there are none, suggest a few of your own and ask which one works best for him. It is very important for your teen to understand one thing: he himself has to solve his problems. Do not invade its territory. Just help me figure it out and make a decision, and also, being around, allow me to experience the natural consequences of his behavior.

Your task is to promote independent and independent thinking in your child, so that he will feel some control over his life. Listen openly to whatever he has to say and offer to critically evaluate each of the possible options... What is really effective in them, and what is problematic to perform? What can be the consequences and associated experiences, how does he intend to cope with them?

4. Don't be “needy,” be independent. Try not to have a deep need for your teen to cooperate with you or always behave well. When you need something from your child - something that will make you feel better (and calm you), you become vulnerable because he shouldn't give it to you at all. If you don't get what you want, you will be more diligent in trying to control and manipulate your child. In turn, your teenager will become more and more naughty or passively obedient - no good anyway.

The truth is, you don't really need anyone to find your inner comfort. You can solve your own problems yourself and feel confident in your abilities. So if your teenager acts in a certain way, this is his problem - a problem that he also has to solve on his own. Your task is to think about how you will behave towards him and react to his behavior. This is completely in your hands.

Ask yourself, “What do I want to do regardless of what my child does? What can I put up with and what not? " Gather all your strength and say to yourself: "If my child is yelling at me, instead of feeling an urgent need for him to stop yelling, I can just turn around, leave and not get involved in the conflict." Show him that you will not talk until he approaches you politely and delicately.

The bottom line is this: when you are not trying to force the child to change or conform to a certain pattern, you are able to determine the correct position for yourself. As a result, your child will become more obedient, because there will be no one to resist. If you do not try to control and manage him, and even do not react to him, he will be forced to fight with himself, and not with you.

5. Do nothing until both are calm. Another rule: don't do anything until you and your child are completely calm. Just don't do anything, don't say anything. You can take time out for a few minutes, or as long as necessary, if needed. When emotions stabilize, sit down and talk. It is very ineffective to try to start discussing serious topics or start resolving a conflict while in the midst of an argument. So if you or your child are upset, pause and only return to the conversation when you can speak in a calm tone.

If, when trying to talk, your child is rude or oversteps the boundaries of what is permissible, still control yourself and do your best not to get involved in the conflict. If at this time your relationship is such that it is impossible to provide an open, respectful conversation, remember that it is still your job to be wisdom and constancy.

Think of a situational motto for yourself, for example: "I will not get involved in this conflict, no matter what." If you can follow these words from time to time, then over time, rebellion and antagonism will subside. And don't worry if sometimes you do get involved in negativity - staying strong is very difficult. And the good thing is, the more you refuse to engage in unnecessary skirmishes, the easier it will be for you to stay calm.