When a relationship ends: how men cope with a breakup. Leaving to leave? Why does a guy hate after a breakup?

Most girls, starting a new relationship with a man they like, sincerely believe that their love will overcome the most unexpected obstacles, will be long, mutual and happy. But if something goes wrong, separation occurs. Sometimes it goes away very painfully, leaving an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. In this case, many girls, at the mere mention of a guy, exclaim with rage: “I hate my ex!”

What is hatred? The reasons for its occurrence

This is a feeling of strong hostility towards a person. You may hate your ex for serious reasons or for any trivial reason. But most often it occurs when a person has suffered severe suffering.

The main reasons are the following:

Constant cheating on your significant other. Some, knowing about this weakness of their beloved, turn a blind eye to it and continue dating. But pain, resentment, and then hatred fill the heart more and more. Others, having learned about just one fact of infidelity, immediately leave their boyfriend or spouse, and begin to sincerely and openly hate him.
Quarrels and beatings. If the chosen one even once raised his hand to a girl, hatred immediately settles in her soul. This will not appear immediately; the companion will endure it for the time being. But is it possible to love a man who constantly beats his chosen one?
Insults and humiliation. You can often see this picture. A decent, beautiful couple walks holding hands, suddenly the man begins to shout at the girl in front of strangers, humiliate and insult her feelings. This situation is complicated by the fact that the woman accumulates grievances within herself. And if she nevertheless decides to break off such a relationship, she begins to desperately hate her ex.
A woman's love for another man. If a girl falls in love again, she sees in her new partner only good qualities. He becomes for her the standard of a real man. Accordingly, her ex begins to irritate her with absolutely everything: appearance, character, conversation.
The girl likes to be a victim. She begins to blame her partner for the breakup, and this gives her pleasure. From her lips you can hear a bunch of stories about how she was betrayed, humiliated, and insulted. To stop hating your ex, you need to stop being a victim.

There are situations when a girl cannot explain why she hates her ex. What to do then?

In the event that a girl understands that hatred arose spontaneously, for unknown reasons, we can advise the following:

calm down and think about the whole situation. Perhaps anger is caused by physical or emotional fatigue. Relax, go to an entertaining event, and negative emotions towards your ex will disappear;
you need to imagine that you will never see this person again, that he will simply disappear from life. What feeling did you have? Pain or resentment? It means you still love this person, you need to try to get him back. If there is joy and indifference, then you need to try to get rid of hatred and live your life without thinking about the past;
You definitely need to be able to forgive. Hatred eats from the inside, and a variety of physical and mental illnesses can arise from this;
you need to remember the most pleasant moments from your past together. Then you will understand that you have no reason to hate;
try talking to ex-boyfriend. From the conversation you will understand how your recent love treats you. Perhaps he will even ask for forgiveness for something or give a surprise. Then past grievances will be forgotten.

In order to completely eradicate hatred in oneself, a sufficiently long period of time must pass. Every day the most harmful thoughts will appear in your head and soul. But as a result, you will understand how hatred is replaced by banal indifference.

Basic steps to get rid of negative feelings

In our life, everything happens unnoticed and instantly. It’s the same with young people. When a girl breaks up, she sometimes experiences mental pain, hostility, fear or hatred. Most often this happens if your lover did not treat you very well. There are several tips that psychologists give on how to stop hating your ex and leave him alone.

write to your ex young man letters in which you express everything to him. Tell him how much you hate him, what you wish for him. Describe in detail what you would like to do with him, how to take revenge and punish him. But just don’t send this letter, just burn it or tear it to shreds. Over time, the anger will subside, the desire to write letters will be less and less each time, in the end you will realize that you have stopped hating him, thinking about him, and then you will completely forget about his existence;
Another way that can always help: try to get involved in other things, travel, start new ones interesting acquaintances. You need to find a person you love, only then can you calm down your hatred of your ex-man;
If you feel really bad, you should consult a psychologist. Several sessions will help you think less about hatred, about the fact that you want to do something with him;
Try not to meet with your ex-partner, especially immediately after a breakup. Otherwise, you may not be able to stand it and throw out destructive emotions and anger in his face, which you will regret after some time. If you need to exchange some things, use the help of mutual friends. Don't be alone with your ex;
love yourself. Give your tense body a break - take a relaxing bath, drink a cup of tea. A shopping trip is a great way to distract from negative thoughts. Treat yourself to a new update, a delicious piece of cake. Take up a hobby you love. Then you simply will have no time to think about hatred;
try not to be alone. Visit your parents, friends, and recreational places more often: parks, museums, theaters. Communicate more, get acquainted, develop;
make a list of your deepest desires. Follow your goal by writing out a step-by-step plan for achieving it. Especially remember those dreams that you could not realize together with your lover. They need to be completed first. This will help increase self-esteem and destroy the feeling of hatred.

Sometimes a person is afraid to let go of hatred, because it is a connection with an ex. Think about whether it is needed. Perhaps love still lives in your heart? Analyze your relationship. If they were based on reproaches, insults, quarrels, humiliations, feel free to give up and let him go.

Remember, while you are experiencing negative emotions, it will not be easy for you to improve your personal life. A happy present and future cannot penetrate the soul. You lose your own “I”, because it is ex-lover still remains at the forefront of my thoughts. He is more significant to you than you are.

The main thing is to stop delving into your past. We need to move on without looking back. Throw away all your grievances, think about the future. Otherwise, hatred will destroy everything in life: love, family, career and you as a person. You need to learn to forgive and let go.

It happened. Your beautiful romance burst like a soap bubble. Perhaps the breakup was a new start. The start where you changed your worldview and outlook on life.

With anger in my soul

You don't deserve to be next to me! I take back all the things that were bought with my money! God, who did I live with! This is not the first time you’ve heard all this from him since parting. It's a shame, a shame, but oh well! You should say.

Reasons for his behavior:

He could not survive your obvious superiority over him (for example, you have career growth, a good salary, in any society you can show off your eloquence and intelligence);
you cheated on him;
a hundred times worse: you cheated on him with his friend;
he accuses and insults you completely unfoundedly. He needs you to feel guilty for the breakup of the relationship, and he himself has had another one for a year and two months. And she lives on the same landing as you. They met when he was taking out the trash. Ugh how low!!!
you lived separately, living with him (did not take his wishes into account, spent more time with him, etc.). At the same time, everything suited you.

Conclusions:

He didn’t appreciate, didn’t love, didn’t know how to behave with dignity, being in second place in your union. After all, you never reproached him for earning less. You simply loved, not counting the percentage of your salaries in the family budget.

Well, if we are talking about your betrayal, then men, I must say, are also great aces in this matter. So this mistake can be forgiven (if you repent and value the relationship). Note - to forgive, because it is impossible to forget. Especially a man.

But, most likely, he is not worthy of you. After all, an adult, intelligent man, at the very first problems in life together does not throw insults, but tries to somehow solve them together.

With ease at heart

He doesn't yell or blame you. After several missed bottles of beer, when emotions begin to overflow, he does not shout to his friends that you are his whole life. Through the same “word of mouth” you will find out that life is easy and wonderful for him without you. And in general, “there is nothing better in the world than wandering around the world with friends.” Maybe hatred is better than indifference? Wasn't your relationship able to leave at least some emotions in him?

Reasons for his behavior:

Your (his) feelings gradually faded away. Lost and confused;
he had no serious attachment to you. He was just spending time with you. And you took everything at face value;
he is too proud and independent. With his behavior, he masks what is really in his soul after your breakup. And there it is!!!
You immediately became a “blank slate” for him. A woman without a mystery becomes uninteresting;
he is not yet mature for adults and serious relationships. Freedom comes first for him.

Conclusions:

There's nothing you can do about it. And there is no need to torment yourself and there is nothing to run from. He does not care. Good or bad for you - his head is not occupied with these thoughts. Indifference is when you and a park bench stand on the same step, without causing any emotions. Yes, probably better

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later a breakup occurs. Our life is structured in such a way that from time to time we have to part with something or someone. Sometimes it overtakes us suddenly, and sometimes naturally, when the relationship has already become obsolete.

But, as a rule, parting is always painful process, especially if you have to separate from a loved one. It's like falling into a deep hole full of sadness, pain and disappointment. And sometimes at this moment you can’t even believe that someday you will find a way out of this “valley of tears.” But no matter how much it seems to us that the whole world is collapsing, we must not forget that all this is temporary.

It is difficult to get used to the idea of loss, and sometimes it seems completely impossible. Looking forward is scary, but looking back is painful.

In psychology, separation is called the loss of a relationship. In 1969, American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced a system that came to be known as the “5 Stages of Loss,” the experience after a breakup before we are ready for a new relationship.

5 stages of loss

1. Stage – denial

This is a state of shock when it hasn’t “reached us” yet. At this stage, what happened is simply “not believable.” The head seems to understand, but the feelings seem to be frozen. It seems like you should be sad and bad, but you don’t.

2. Stage of expressing feelings

After the initial awareness of what happened, we begin to get angry. This is a difficult phase in which pain, resentment, and anger are mixed. Anger can be obvious and open, or it can hide somewhere inside under the guise of irritation or physical ailment.

Anger can also be directed at a situation, another person, or oneself. In the latter case, we are talking about auto-aggression, which is also called guilt. Try not to blame yourself!

Also, very often an internal ban on aggression is activated - in this case, the work of loss is inhibited. If we do not allow ourselves to be angry, then we “get stuck” at this stage and cannot let go of the situation. If the anger has not been expressed and the loss has not been mourned, then you can get stuck in this stage and live like that for the rest of your life. You need to allow all the feelings to come out and it is due to this that relief and healing occurs.

3. Stage of dialogue and bargaining

This is where we are overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts about what and how we could have done differently. We come up with the most different ways to deceive yourself, to believe in the possibility of regaining a lost relationship, or to console yourself that all is not lost. It's like we're on a swing. At this stage of loss, we are somewhere between fear of the future and the inability to live in the past.

To get started new life, we need to end the old one.

4. Stage of depression

The stage comes when the psyche no longer denies what happened, and an understanding also comes that it is pointless to look for those to blame or sort things out. The fact of separation, the loss of something valuable that was in this relationship, has happened. Everything has already happened, nothing can be changed.

At this stage, we mourn the loss, miss what was so important and necessary. And we have no idea how to live further - we simply exist.

5. Acceptance stage

Slowly we begin to crawl out of the quagmire of pain and sadness. We look around, looking for new meanings and ways to live. Of course, thoughts about what was lost still visit us, but now we are already able to think about why and why all this happened to us. We draw conclusions, learn to live independently and enjoy something new. New people and new events appear in life.

How long does each stage of separation last?

From a few days to several months, and some even years. For each case, these numbers are individual, since this is influenced by various factors: the duration and intensity of the relationship, the reason for the separation. Often different emotional stages flow smoothly into each other or repeat.

In addition, everyone’s behavior and attitude towards this critical event is individual. While some experience this grief for months, others quickly find a new adventure to quickly forget about the separation. And it is very important to give yourself enough time to survive the breakup in order to accept, realize, transform the situation and learn a life lesson.

The common truth is known: “Any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A challenge is an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life.”

To improve your emotional condition, do not allow yourself to be “lazy” and close yourself within four walls. Let every day bring something new, let it be filled with actions, deeds, trips, meetings, new discoveries and little pleasures. Go wherever there is nature, sun, children's laughter, where people smile and laugh.

Don't ignore your health

Grief has many physiological manifestations, causing insomnia, apathy, loss of appetite, disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, cardiovascular system, and provokes a decrease in the body’s protective properties.

See a Psychotherapist

In case of an incomplete separation, the help of a psychotherapist is required, since the trauma of loss loved one continues to destroy life, taking away his inner strength. If you feel pain, resentment, anger, worry, irritability, or anxiety when remembering the breakup, then the breakup is still not over.

Psychotherapy is aimed at helping a person go through all stages of experiencing loss. The psychologist helps the client to recognize and express previously suppressed feelings using body-oriented therapy methods (based on working with the body and emotions).

With love, your Angela Lozyan

, Comments on Anger and Hatred disabled

Anger and hatred
My brain is being destroyed by anger and hatred. It all started a few months ago when my fiance left me. We lived together for 1.5 years and nothing predicted such a turn of events. But one day he just left while I was out. A few days later I convinced him that he needed time, that he loved me. A couple of weeks later, he was already introducing his new couple to his friends. Just recently they went on vacation together. I felt pain and resentment all these months and did not understand: Why is this? I realize that people break up, that love passes, but you can do everything in a normal, human way. After tears came anger, and then hatred. I don't want him to exist in my life. But the last two weeks, my head has been exploding. All my thoughts are only that he is happy... it depresses me and I hate it. The realization that he enjoys life with new girl The fact that he leads his life beautifully and calmly, as if I were not in it at all, destroys me. These thoughts are constantly in my head, they do not allow me to sleep, eat, or communicate with people. I don't know how to get rid of this? How to let go of all this from yourself? Thank you.

Hello.
This is a very unpleasant situation, your feelings are understandable. After a breakup, there is a long period of feelings, memories and anger, but perhaps there is hatred in you because you do not let it out of you. It's good to figure out how you usually deal with anger: do you express your feelings or try to smile and maintain good relationships. It can be easier to let go of feelings if you express everything you want to tell him. It’s better for him directly, but friends will also do. You need to talk until it becomes easier.

Remember if any of your close relatives have a habit of feeling anger and resentment for a long time. If so, then you may have inherited this trait. You can get rid of it if you understand why this anger is needed and what it gives. It seems incredible that such an unpleasant feeling would bring any benefit, but a person usually retains for a long time only those emotions that give him something, are useful in some way. Such things are difficult to understand on your own, so you may need the help of a psychologist.

You didn't write what happened two weeks ago, whether you heard something about it, saw it, or something else, but it would be good to understand how this event relates to your feelings. I don't have everything necessary information, so I can only speculate about where it might be useful to “dig.”

You may feel extreme hatred towards your ex-partner or divorced spouse, and often this hatred makes you feel even worse. When you're trying to recover from a breakup, it's important to give yourself time to process your emotions and move on with your life. Such a step will help turn hatred towards your ex-partner into some positive, and perhaps even useful, emotions, and, finally, get rid of anger.

Steps

Part 1

Transforming your emotions

Write down your feelings on paper. Take a piece of paper and spend some time pouring out the reasons for your feelings of hatred towards your ex-partner. This could be because of something he or she did to you, or even because decision taken. Try to be as detailed as possible and don't be afraid to be really honest about your feelings and emotions.
- This may take some time, during which you add new thoughts every day until you feel that you have freed yourself from all the reasons for anger or pain that are associated with your partner. You can describe in detail any betrayal or situation where your ex-partner made you feel worthless or otherwise insulted you.
Analyze your own feelings. Re-read the entries at least twice, after you have written down all possible negative aspects and associated periods of hatred towards your ex-partner. Use this as evidence of your past relationship and how bad you felt during that period. After reading, tear up or otherwise destroy the document. This is how you acknowledge your hatred for your ex and at the same time choose the option of abandoning it or uprooting it from your heart.
- If you are seeing a therapist or professional marriage counselor to help you understand your relationship with your ex-partner, you may want to bring the document to the meeting and destroy it in front of him. Having a credible witness to the destruction of a document can motivate you to let go of the hatred.
Help yourself get rid of hatred. Remember that hatred is not a productive emotion and is often debilitating for you and those around you. Think about how you can replace the feeling of hatred with exciting thoughts about the future or motivation for the next stage of life, but without your ex. Once you overcome your hatred, you can switch to less harmful emotions, such as pity, hostility, or even forgiveness for the offender.
- You may be afraid to let go of hatred because it somehow keeps you connected to your ex. Anger can act as a form of negative attachment, as opposed to love or happiness, which are positive attachments. Instead of letting hatred control your attachment to your ex, let it go, allowing you to leave the past relationship behind. You don't have to forgive or forget your ex's harmful behavior once you have let go of the anger and hatred, but you can become a person free of the emotions that depress you and make you feel worse and more alone.
Create a list of goals that you intend to achieve in the coming year. To motivate yourself to focus on the future rather than the past, create a list of short-term and long-term goals for the year. Think about skills that you would like to learn or improve, but were unable to do so because of your relationship with your ex or because you wasted energy on hatred after a breakup.
- These can be short-term goals, such as taking a cooking class, or long-term goals, such as regular morning jogging and yoga classes at least three times a week. Focus all your attention on doable tasks where you feel you can push yourself to succeed in achieving them. You will gain a boost of self-confidence and feel great if you know that your energy and personal time are not wasted on your ex-partner.
Spend time with friends and family. During the period of a breakup, thanks to such communication, you will feel the support of family and close friends who are your support. Most likely, they will support your desire to get rid of hatred and focus on plans for the future.
- Also, loved ones can evaluate what is happening and provide regular support in an accessible form. Don't be afraid to ask them for help or advice if you are struggling with feelings of anger or hatred. Support from loved ones in difficult times will help change everything and give you the necessary strength to get rid of negative feelings.