Mikhail Labkovsky: “Leave the child alone, let him be himself. How adult children communicate with elderly parents A happy child will only grow up with a happy parent

Mikhail Labkovsky is a practicing psychologist, known for his not always pleasant, but absolutely accurate statements about family, relationships and what happiness is. Live on Passion.Live, Mikhail answered questions from viewers of the program.

Letidor watched the interview and selected important quotes about children and parents.

You need to live the way you want

There is a category of people who believe that living for your own pleasure is selfishness. In fact, these people were taught by their parents in childhood that they cannot live the way they want. They were told that there is a main word – “need”. A person should live the way he likes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

About parental aggression

If you are an aggressive person, and you pour out this aggression on your child, then he will develop fears, anxiety, and self-doubt. Express yourself naturally: behave the way you behave - if you don’t like something, that means you don’t like it, you’re upset - that means you’re upset.

It’s another matter when a person is a psycho.

For example, he gets up in the morning in a bad mood and immediately starts yelling that he is late for work, and the child needs to be dressed for kindergarten or school. But he didn’t do anything wrong - he was just born. But he has aggressive parents, so he grows up, speaking Russian, a complete psycho - just like his mom and dad. And we are talking about the natural reaction of a parent when a child does something wrong - we are living people, and dissatisfaction should be expressed in a natural way.

About children's aggression

A child begins to behave aggressively after about two years - he behaves like the rest of the animal world. He is trying to understand his boundaries: he can punch his mother in the face, start fighting with his hands and feet, gnawing and biting. This is a natural manifestation of a child who is trying “like a young animal” to understand what he can and cannot do. Parents must behave firmly - take them firmly by the hand and say:

“It’s unpleasant for mom. Mom's in pain! And you can’t beat your mom!”

It’s normal to punish, but you can’t be crazy - for example, bite a child in response.

Doing only what you want is realistic

Both spouses come home from work, both tired. And there is a mountain of unwashed dishes. The question is not whose turn it is to wash the dishes and not that “I’m going to bend over backwards now because my husband earns more.” And it’s not that your husband will wash the dishes just because you spent the night with your child. You should want to do the dishes because you love your spouse so much that you don't want him to stress out. This is the only reason to wash dishes. You don’t concede anything to anyone - you really want to do it out of love. And the husband also washes the dishes, because it makes him happy, and not because -

“Oh, I’m tired of everything, now there will be a scandal, she will scream. I’d better wash it, at least the house will be quiet.”

Adults can live the way they want. When I was 6-8 years old, I really loved watching “Good night, kids!” (she walked for about 15 minutes). And my mother came up in the middle of the cartoon and said: “Okay, now I need to go and wash the kitchen floor,” and I said: “Now it’s over, so I’ll go.” But my mother insisted: “No, no, I got up and went right now.” Now my mother has been gone for a long time, I am 55 years old and I have a specially trained woman to whom I pay money: she washes the floor not only in the kitchen, but throughout the entire apartment.

Solve this problem however you want. If you both don’t like washing dishes, you can earn money as a housekeeper.

About adult children living with their parents

Children over 20 years old should not live with their parents. “No money, nothing to rent for”, “It’s easier for us” - this is not normal in everyday life. But this needs to be discussed calmly. It shouldn’t be like this: “We were watching a program with a psychologist. What are you doing here? Pack your things! There are children with social phobia: they are afraid to be responsible for themselves, to go out into this world, so they cling to their parents. And there are overprotective parents, then children grow up to be dependent, indecisive, and unable to take responsibility and make decisions.

About children and parents' divorce

Children and dad have their own relationship. For some reason, women try to hide behind their children, but what does this have to do with marriage? Dad either loves children or doesn’t love them - and it doesn’t matter whether their mother is married to him or not.

The statements of the famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky are based on “healthy cynicism” and many years of experience. Some agree with him, many reject his approach, fearing shattered illusions. But no one is indifferent

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1.The first thing you have to do is stop wanting to get married. A healthy person does not want to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.

2. The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner lies in only one thing - a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct path to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

3. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if it is impossible to say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.

4. The reason for women's problems is not that he behaves like an asshole. The reason is that she has a neurosis that requires an outlet. And for this exit, a certain person and relationship are needed in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has had a mental need for this since childhood.

5. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.

6. When the flight attendant shows you the life-saving equipment, what does she say about the oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, provide a mask for yourself first, then the child.” That's the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, while remaining an absolute psycho. That's not how it works. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

7. Family therapy is a scam. There is only one type of family therapy that I consider truly useful - psychological mediation in divorce cases. But this is precisely what is not practiced in Russia.

8. Healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics are relationships to the detriment of themselves, and this is the most important difference.

9. A woman should never tolerate anything she doesn’t like in a relationship. She should talk about it right away, and if the man does not change, she should break up with him.

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10. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.

11. The only quality your partner can have is that he clings to you. Everything else doesn't play any role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no “bars”.

12. The only time in a person’s life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. It doesn't last long. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.

Do you agree with the categorical phrases of the psychologist?

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Mikhail Labkovsky never calls himself a child psychologist. He works with adults. All his advice is addressed to those mothers and fathers who are ready to change in order to build harmonious relationships with their children.

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

Parent example

1. “Lectures on raising children, advice from psychologists and teachers about relationships in the family are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.”

2. “Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.”

3. “It is impossible, without loving yourself, to raise a child into a person who will love himself. And a parent with low self-esteem cannot raise children with high self-esteem. Although many are trying very hard.”

Rewrite your children's script

4. “Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best they could. You can’t change them, you have to change yourself: rewrite the childhood script, grow out of it.”

Stability, comfort, trust

6. “The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.”

7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents first of all. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.”

Harmony in the family

9. “If you take a full, but neurotic family, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”

10. “The trouble is that most parents coo with their children until a certain age, and at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that there is a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait... When you want children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish singing something that you did not have time to sing, this is fraught.”

11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force” to care for a child, she feels like her hostage or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with the child” because she is so responsible, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of herself,” or even worse, “she lives for him,” this certainly doesn’t make it any easier for the children.”

Do not confuse care and education

12. “Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is caring, not education. Unfortunately, many parents believe that care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with their child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem goes to school, where all conversations revolve only around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.”

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and understand perfectly well when they are being “sit” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes in the evening tired, on the one hand, she has remorse that the children require attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to carry on a conversation with them, but she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue... And it’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to your children, ask for their support - you don’t have to carry everything on yourself! In the end, I’m tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. This is better than nightly hysterics: “The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you...”.

14. “And when, out of guilt, they are bought off with the help of toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home late from work again, and I’ll be going on a business trip for the weekend, so you, son, have a new construction set”... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child’s psyche, and even in physiology.”

15. “A healthy situation is when a mother eagerly (and without blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, rushes home from work. From work, where she is fulfilled, communicates, receives satisfaction, and where she has time to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that parent and child spend together are truly valuable, filled with love, sincere interest in each other, and give a lot to both parties.”

16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, or fifth child is born in your family, do not tell your elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his future life.”

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children’s happiness

17. “You need to love a child, like yourself, simply because he was born and exists. And all these ambitions, demands, dissatisfaction with a son or daughter are clear signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one’s own unsatisfied ambitions and one’s own, excuse me, failure.”

18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only) do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did something bad.” Use wording: “I don’t like it when you...”, “I would like it if...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.”

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people who can protect him, can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

Parent example

2. “Being unhappy people, you will never be able to build a relationship with your child so that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then there is no need to do anything special.”

Rewrite your children's script

Stability, comfort, trust

6. “The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.”

7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents in the first place. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.”

Harmony in the family

9. “If you take a full, but neurotic family, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”

When parenthood stops being a "cute" delight

11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force” to care for a child, she feels like a hostage to him or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with the child” because she is so responsible, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of herself,” or even worse, “she lives for him,” this certainly doesn’t make it any easier for the children.”

Do not confuse care and education

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and understand perfectly well when they are being “sit” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes in the evening tired, on the one hand she has remorse that her children require attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to carry on a conversation with them, but she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue... And it’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to your children, ask for their support - you don’t have to carry everything on yourself! In the end, I’m tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. This is better than nightly hysterics: “The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you...”.

14. “And when, out of guilt, they are bought off with the help of toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home late from work again, and I’m going on a business trip this weekend, so you, son, have a new construction set”... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child’s psyche, and even in physiology.”

15. “A healthy situation is when a mother eagerly (and without blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, rushes home from work. From work, where she is fulfilled, communicates, receives satisfaction, and where she has time to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that parent and child spend together are truly valuable, filled with love, genuine interest in each other, and give a lot to both parties.”

If the family is not the first child

16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Do not let them understand, either by behavior or words, that “you are already big.” Firstly, although he is the eldest, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his future life.”

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind but strong people who can protect him, can deny him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”

The lecture-consultation “About Children” by Mikhail Labkovsky provides answers to parents’ questions. It is suitable for those who do not have much time to read long books about raising children or listen to long lectures. Everything here is short, clear and to the point. In a short period of time, the psychologist manages to talk about the most important aspects of education.

At first, the birth of a child is perceived as something miraculous; this little man seems to be the most beautiful creature in the world. But it often happens that later everything becomes different. Parents get tired of the daily responsibility of looking after their children and raising them, especially if the child has a complex character.

How to maintain the joy of communicating with a child, how to gain mutual understanding? When should you punish a child and when should you not? And what method of punishment can be considered appropriate? How to learn not to follow children’s lead, to say “no” to them so that they understand that this is being done for the good? How to avoid conflicts between children? How to teach children to get up for school without arguments and morning battles? The answers to all these questions can be found in the psychologist’s lecture; he gives vivid life examples and gives advice that will help raise a responsible person who understands that all actions have consequences.

On our website you can download the book “Lecture-consultation “About Children”” in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format or read online. The book's rating is 3.32 out of 5. Here, before reading, you can also turn to reviews from readers who are already familiar with the book and find out their opinion. In our partner's online store you can buy and read the book in paper version.