Write words of condolences about the death. What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? Condolences on the death of father

Every person's life varying degrees filled with joyful and tragic events. With expression of emotions, understanding and perception happy Holidays and positive life situations Most people don't have any difficulties. But at the same time, some people find it difficult to find a few sincere words of condolences for a colleague, friend or loved one.

Psychological moment when expressing sympathy

An occasional tactless or inappropriate expression can unsettle a person who has recently experienced a tragic loss. Most often, people at such a moment are filled with unbearable pain and are emotionally unstable. Some time must always pass for a person to accept this pain, be able to cope with it and come to terms with the event that occurred.

Some need peace and solitude for a certain period of time, while others need sincere condolences for their loss. Many of the people who have experienced such grief begin to acutely feel the falsehood and pretense of their sympathizers, so it is worth behaving as tactfully as possible and not saying too much.

The essence of expressing condolences

The phrase “accept our sincere condolences” remains universal to this day; it is quite suitable for expressing grief for any reason. Of course, to speak even such a general and a short phrase(however, like any other) must certainly be completely sincere. The word “condolence” itself can be read as “co-sympathy” or “shared illness.”

Likewise with sympathy, that is, a shared feeling. The meaning of offering condolences is to formally share the grief with the mourner and put some of his pain and suffering on one’s own shoulders. A more general meaning also implies providing any possible assistance to a person in order to somehow reduce his suffering. Many cultures believe that actions speak louder than words, an unwritten rule that applies to this situation perfectly.

What should you consider when empathizing with a bereaved person?

In addition to sincerity, you should prepare to be patient, restrained and attentive to the person who has suffered a loss. In some cases, it is better to maintain a delicate silence than to rush ahead with words of consolation. Even after offering the most sincere condolences, it is never a bad idea to ask the mourner if he needs any help, and by your appearance demonstrate your full readiness to provide the necessary support in difficult times.

Words spoken from the bottom of the heart can become a real balm for the soul for the relatives and friends of the deceased. And a few pompous phrases, uttered only to maintain decency, will only offend those present.

Condolence form

Depending on the specific circumstances, the relationship with the grieving people and the general nature of the event, the person expresses sincere condolences in different shapes. Examples of forms of condolences include:

obituaries in newspaper columns;
official collective or personal condolences;
delivering a funeral speech or a few words at a funeral;
a funeral speech for a specific occasion such as an anniversary or 9 days from the date of the tragedy;
individual condolences to the loved ones of the deceased.

It is worth noting that the poetic form is more suitable for the written form of expressing grief, and prose is appropriate in both written and oral forms of offering condolences.

Ways to submit condolences

Modern world suggests a slightly expanded number of communication options for offering condolences. Telegrams in the mail, which were ubiquitous literally 30 years ago, have now been replaced by instant messengers, social media and video chats. Even e-mail perfectly replaces (at least in speed of delivery and convenience) outdated mail.

Sometimes one SMS with the text “accept my sincere condolences, be strong” is enough. However, it is recommended to send such messages only if the mourner has only a formal relationship or a distant acquaintance.

Social networks and condolences

Pages of deceased people on social networks like VK have often begun to be used as unique places for offering condolences. You can often see messages like “accept my sincere condolences, hang in there” on the wall of such an account. Sometimes relatives or friends of the deceased person continue to maintain the page, periodically updating statuses and responding to personal messages from users.

How ethical all this is is a subject of ongoing debate. It is generally accepted that relatives themselves have the right to decide whether they need to delete the page of the deceased. In addition, only relatives can contact the administration of the social network with a request to delete such an account. To do this, they will also need to provide scans or photographs of documents confirming death.

Interestingly, in addition to accounts, it is customary to create entire groups in memory of any tragic events with mass casualties, be it terrorist attacks, disasters or natural disasters. Everyone discusses the tragedy that happened and offers their condolences on the walls of such groups.

What should you pay attention to when offering condolences?

It is better to compose the text of a speech or letter of condolences for your loved ones and dearest people in your own words; you do not need to use a lot of template and routine formulations. Oral mourning should not be too drawn out, although one phrase “accept our sincere condolences” will clearly not be enough for a full speech.

Offering official condolences is usually done in writing, where it is appropriate to use a poetic syllable, designed together with several photographs of the deceased. A heartfelt poem can be taken from famous authors. If you wish, you can, of course, write your own poems, but they must be consistent in style and appropriate in content so as not to offend the memory of the deceased person.

Personal condolences are encouraged both in written and verbal form. The only requirement is exclusivity; you should not take the first text you come across on the Internet. At the very least, it is worth at least making your own edits and supplementing it. It is advisable to remember the distinctive character traits of the deceased, emphasizing his virtues such as honesty, wisdom, responsiveness, kindness, optimism, hard work or love of life.

Universal template phrases

There are a number of well-established phrases and expressions for offering condolences:

“We all mourn your irreparable loss.”
"Please accept our sincere condolences."
“Let us keep the bright memory in our hearts of the wonderful man who left us untimely.”
“We sincerely sympathize and condole your grief.”

In the future, you can offer all possible assistance financially or organizing related events using the following phrases:

“You can count on us to provide any assistance. We will help you cope with all upcoming issues."
“We will help you through this grief, support you and provide the necessary assistance to your family.”

If the deceased was a believer during his lifetime Orthodox Christian, then it would be absolutely appropriate to add the following expressions to a mournful speech:

Common mistakes in offering condolences

At times, words of comfort can only bring more pain when people make very common mistakes in composing verbal and written condolences. The most acute stage of suffering among loved ones and relatives normally lasts from 9 to 40 days. It is during this period that you need to be extremely careful and attentive to your own words.

If the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” is very general and neutral-positive, then a number of other expressions are simply not acceptable for cases of the loss of a loved one. An example would be the phrase “you’re pretty (cute) and you’ll definitely get married (get married),” said to a widow or widower, respectively. It is equally tactless to say “no problem, give birth to a new one” to the parents of a deceased child. The general rule for banning such phrases is that the future cannot “comfort” a grieving person who has experienced a terrible loss. During the acute stage of grief, the griever is usually unable to think about his own prospects, he can only feel pain and loss in the present.

Seeking positivity in death is bad form. Such expressions of words of consolation should always be avoided. Phrases such as “he will be better there, he suffered,” “at least his father is still alive,” “you still have other children, after all,” can have exactly the opposite effect - cause sincere rejection and aggression from the grieving person. The second aspect is that such phrases can cause resentment towards the deceased, who, unlike the grieving person, no longer suffers. In the future, such thoughts can lead to a full-fledged guilt complex in the mourner.

Other unacceptable phrases when speaking words of comfort

Some say “please accept my most sincere condolences” and then add that they understand what the grieving person is feeling right now. Such phrases usually sound like this: “I understand perfectly well and know how difficult it is for you now.” This is usually not true and in some cases may even be offensive to the grieving person. It is much more appropriate to say something like “I can only imagine how bad you feel.”

Questions about the incident, clarification of details and particulars of death immediately after offering condolences are extremely inappropriate. The mourner will tell everything himself - when he is ready for it. Talking about your own difficulties and problems makes no sense and is absolutely discourteous towards the grieving person.

General etiquette rules for offering condolences

Some simple rules will help you understand how best to behave in this situation:

You cannot speak to the mourner in an overly delicate and courteous manner, avoiding touching on his feelings. Logical premises in this situation are meaningless. On the contrary, there is no need to be afraid of a flurry of emotions and to distance yourself.
A grieving person may refuse a conversation or offer of help. It is unlikely that this should be regarded as a personal insult; most likely, the person did not want to offend anyone, but it is difficult for him to pull himself together and perceive everything correctly.
You should not distance yourself from the grieving person and look for a way out and avoid the current situation. Excessive modesty should not become an obstacle to communication; it is worth at least expressing elementary words of consolation like “accept my sincere condolences for your loss.”

As already written above, Golden Rule a good mournful speech or written consolation to the grieving is the genuine sincerity of someone who wants to help with a kind word and express his good intentions.

For us he is alive and somewhere nearby,
In memories, in heart and in dreams
The soul is always alive, it knows everything
And he sees how we are suffering now!
There is more than one angel in the sky,
And this is obvious, I know for sure!
Today, tomorrow and for life
We remember, love and mourn!

I asked God to return everything,
It was as if he didn't want to hear me,
Passed short life path,
We won't be able to see you again...

When we met secretly,
When we played checkers,
Everything was cool then
You were with us Arkashka!

Now you're not there,
Imbued with sadness
I remember all the time
And I really miss you...

Perhaps you came
Well, for God's sake I ask you:
"You come to me more often,
I'm always looking forward to seeing you!"

I feel bad without him... Unbearable
I just exist, I don't live
Oh, Lord, give me some strength!
I don't ask for more anymore

Separation is cutting more and more, suffocating
No air. Only bitter blue smoke
All sounds strain the ear and soul,
And the world became somehow gray and empty

Closing my eyes, I imagine that he is nearby,
Will make your heart tremble in your chest,
His face with an empty and sad look
And quietly I whisper: "Don't go..."

The soul shrinks into a ball,
He was given a short sentence...
And he couldn't do much
Although I wanted to live and could continue to live,
But alas...
The time is over and life is too short...
And it’s not easy to part, but you can’t get anything back,
And a sharp knife for the heart...
And it’s better not to touch anything,
Wanted to help? well...
There's nothing you can do to help
And the strip of the knife will not grow together
You're dying slowly
You scream as if you're not breathing,
But all in vain... He left for another world forever...

You left, the whole world went dark...
my heart is beating barely audibly...
I don't believe you're gone.
Why did it all turn out this way?
You left, taking everything with you...
Tears froze in my eyes...
But in my heart there is only silent pain...
We will forever remember YOU...

Hearts burn and candles cry
According to our dear, dear ones.
And early in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening
We remember them, yearn and mourn
We ask for eternal rest for their souls
Let's keep the love and memory
And we pray on our knees
And again we yearn and mourn.

All poems are for you, my angel,
Pain pierces them every word,
And the soul cannot find its peace
Until we are together again.

You will live in eternal memory,
And no matter what anyone says,
There, behind the cemetery fence,
The world keeps your memory.
People like you will not be forgotten so easily,
Your eyes will remain shiny with tears.
And for a very long time people will still be
Carry you bouquets of scarlet roses.
Are you sleeping. But everything is so unusual.
Everything reminds me of you.
And only the rain is so quiet, barely audible
Knocking. As if he were saying hello.

It's so hard for me to live without you,
And you - you tease and worry.
You can't replace me
The whole world... But it seems that you can.
I have my own in the world:
Deeds, successes and misfortunes.
I just miss you
For complete human happiness.
It's so hard for me to live without you:
Everything is uncomfortable, everything is worrying...
You cannot replace the world, -
But he can’t do you either!

Our loved ones don't die -
They return with warm rain.
They even return from paradise,
To see how we love and wait.
Running through the gardens and across the field,
Having watered both the flowers and the forests,
Having breathed plenty of native air,
They rise up into the heavens.
They rise up with evaporation,
Turning into a cloud again.
And again they spill - like a downpour,
To see our love.
Our loved ones don't die.

There was a man and suddenly he was gone.
His heart stopped beating.
Mom is crying, my beloved is crying,
What have you done, you ruined him.
But everything could have been different
And don’t help your grief by crying.
You don’t know how to continue to live,
Only during life do you forget to love.

I can't hear my native voice,
No kind, sweet eyes are visible.
Why was fate cruel?
How early you left us!
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help me,
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.
Nobody could save you
Died too early.
But the bright image is your dear
We will always remember...

When someone closest to you leaves,
Dear, beloved person.
The whole world will appear as a bitter drama
Where everything turns black, even the snow.
And never! Nothing in the world
The warmth of their hands cannot be replaced.
While you're alive, don't skimp
Give your love to your family...

You have gone into holy eternity,
And our pain cannot be helped,
And the name of pain is infinity...
You left us for another world - there,
From where there is no return,
Leaving a memory of yourself, love,
Sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven,
And we should bring roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in peace to you,
And the soul - eternal peace.

Words cannot express the pain of loss,
Nobody knows when trouble will come.
Fate alone is to blame for this,
That You left us forever, forever.
May it be easy for you there,
And the memory of You will remain here with us.
Sleep well, swan's down to you,
And for the soul - the Kingdom of Heaven.

You have gone into holy eternity, and our pain cannot be helped,
and the name of pain is infinity...
You left us for another world - where there is no return,
leaving memories of yourself, love, sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven, and we carry roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in peace to you and eternal peace to your soul.

The loss of a loved one is a shock. It is impossible to get used to death, as well as to fully understand it. Where did the man go? What does it mean - he is no more?

The formulation does not allow us to understand what happened at the level of consciousness, since this area has not been conquered by man, remaining unexplored, mysterious and frightening.

Given this, it is difficult to choose words of support for the family and friends of the deceased. But you have to speak out - that’s social protocol.

Pick up the right words in advance - the right way Don't show yourself to be ignorant. If you really want to support, think through your speech in advance.

The message about the death of a loved one is a blow. It is not always possible to come and personally support.

Often, relatives live in remote areas of the country or outside it. What's left to do? Calling at such a time is not the best option.

Important! You should express condolences by phone if you often communicated in this way before the sad event.

If communication came down to three messages with banal congratulations per year, it is better to write a message.

People experiencing severe mental pain associated with the loss of a loved one do not want to hear pretentious speeches.

Another advantage of expressing grief in writing is the ability to express your thoughts correctly, without worry, stuttering, or long pauses.

What not to say or write:

"Everything will be fine".
"Try not to worry."
"All will pass".

These are prohibited phrases. At a time of grief, they are not appropriate. A person needs to throw out his grief, and these phrases “close” emotions and help stop worries.

What to write to someone experiencing the pain of loss:

Condolence rests on three pillars - communion with grief, good words and help. The bereaved person must feel that he is not alone in his grief, that you feel the same pain. It helps.

A few words about the deceased is a must. The offer of help must be sincere and realistic.

When to express condolences and in what words?

If you were informed of the death of a neighbor or relative by telephone, do not rush to express your condolences over the phone.

The best option- do this in person. When you enter the house, wait until the hostess is free, come up and say a few short phrases.

Sincerity, empathy, and a desire to support are important.

Examples

Ready condolences on the day of the funeral:

“We are experiencing a terrible loss, but it hurts you much more. Be strong. We are close."
"I can not believe. A terrible tragedy, he will remain alive in our hearts. If I can help, please reach out."
“We are ready to help in any way we can. A huge loss. She was the best woman in the world".

Death accompanies a person throughout his life. We experience the death of grandparents, we bury our parents.

It's worse when children, peers, die - it's a shock. A person treats leaving for another world as the saddest event that cannot be survived.

Although all people are mortal. Death is inevitable. And we continue to consider it something transcendental.

Important! This is caused by the fear of the unknown. We are afraid of losing loved ones, afraid of dying ourselves, of leaving behind grief in the hearts of our loved ones and loved ones.

This attitude towards death is natural and common, but it is difficult to call it correct. In some religions, death is taken for granted.

People are forbidden to cry because they consider death to be a transition to a better world. The funeral is just a farewell there.

Such reflections will help cope with grief and come to humility. You should start a conversation no earlier than a week after the sad event.

A person must come to humility. This is what faith teaches. Confession helps a lot.

How to respond to condolences

Condolence speeches often irritate mourners. At this moment they are coming to terms with grief. Hearing others try to be involved is the last thing that will calm the heart.

But this is the social order, this is what is accepted in society:

Remember: others are hurt too, the path is not so much.
It is enough to answer: “Thank you.”
“Thank you” is also suitable.
You can remain mute and respond with a nod or a hug.

Receiving condolences is as difficult as expressing them. Both sides understand how empty and useless this ritual is.

But the soul of the grieving demands to speak out and offer help. A soul experiencing loss, hearing kind words, will be distracted from grief for a second.

Interesting fact! If we assume that the deceased is with the guests, hears kind words, sees support, your actions are not in vain.

The soul of the deceased will be grateful. Today scientists have proven the existence of matter called soul. Experiments have shown that a person’s weight decreases by 2 kg after death.

It is bad form to bring up this fact at a funeral. But talking to the person later is useful.

After all, the most difficult thing comes a few days after the funeral ceremony, when, sitting in silence, the mourner realizes what his life will be like now. An understanding of irretrievable loss comes.

This is the highest point of pain. It will subside when humility comes, acceptance of the new reality. If the person was dear, support his loved ones after the funeral, stop by for a visit.

When you realize that you can touch on a sore subject, talk about it. Listen, help me come to humility and find consolation. If the soul of the deceased sees this, it will certainly smile.

Useful video

Expressing feelings in words is not easy even in ordinary situations, but correctly formulating thoughts about grief and empathy for loved ones at the time of a person’s death is even more difficult. It is important not to tarnish the memory of the deceased, not to offend upset relatives and friends, and to sincerely speak about your attitude towards the loss. Appropriate condolences on the occasion of death differ depending on the relationship with the deceased during life and are structured in such a way as to avoid phrases and topics prohibited by unspoken rules.

How and what is customary to voice in condolences

When choosing words of condolences regarding a death, people are guided by 5 rules.

Do not sight-read sympathetic texts or speak in memorized phrases. A funeral is not a birthday where everyone is obliged to congratulate the birthday person and make a toast for show. Sincerity is important in grief. Funeral words are spoken by those who are ready to speak out loud and share their grief with others. Let it be one sentence or a couple of words, but from the heart.
It is better to tie words to a deceased loved one with a description of the person or unifying stories. Trained people recount good memories of a deceased relative or friend. Kind and funny incidents that can defuse the atmosphere of a wake are appropriate. A speech filled with personal details sounds warm and sweet, like sincere condolences to family and friends.
Do not be ashamed of the emotions corresponding to the situation. At the funeral of loved ones, people cry, scream, fall into a stupor, and this is normal. It is unacceptable to throw feigned tantrums or overdo it with the expression of insincere feelings. If these are mourning events on the occasion of the death of a colleague or a stranger, they are limited to restrained phrases and mournful silence.
Help when possible. The day of farewell, the preceding and subsequent events exhaust the already exhausted family members. Condolences regarding death include an offer of help if such a need is felt. You can share financial costs with relatives or promise moral support. It is only important to keep promises and not waste words.
Monitor the condition of the deceased's family members. It is necessary to support and be patient with manifestations of aggression, outbursts of guilt and other emotions associated with the psychological acceptance of grief. During this difficult time, a person goes through 5 stages on the path to humility, where tears are replaced by shock, anger, and depression. Not everyone needs words of grief - stress prevents encouraging phrases from achieving their goal. Listening, being close, hugging or holding hands, if the level of the relationship allows, may be more useful.

If embarrassment or sadness prevents you from saying words of condolences to your family in person, you can convey your feelings in text. Condolences are written to short sms, electronic and paper letters. But the format does not cancel the point about the necessary amount of sincerity. Poems copied from the Internet or common phrases in written form look even more false.

How to express grief in your own words

If mourning events take place in the city of residence, condolences for the loss are conveyed in person or by telephone. It is more appropriate to pronounce lines in prose out loud. Expressing sympathy in poetry often sounds false.

When choosing the right words, they rely on the relationship of the mourner with the deceased. For a colleague or stranger, short, formal phrases are appropriate without the effect of mourning or exposing personal connections. If you can’t express your condolences in your own words, you can remain silent, a wreath without speeches.

To describe the pain of loss when parting with a familiar person, the text is formed from a reflection of one’s own feelings from the loss, bright memories and words of support for the family. It is better to focus on the latter - condolences to family and friends should ease the pain a little, calm people down, and not retell the biography of the deceased.

When you can’t find the text, ready-made templates are used as a basis. The best option is to dilute the example with personal facts so that sympathy comes from the heart. Here attention is also paid to the relationship of the deceased with the one who receives condolences. Urging children to preserve the bright memory of their father, who during his lifetime was not a wonderful person and brought only pain to his offspring, is unlikely to be appropriate.

Phrases about grief that are appropriate for friends and colleagues

To express condolences over the death of an unfamiliar character, the following words are suitable:

“Your father was a most talented man. We communicated little, but I followed his activities with pleasure. I will remember everything he did."
“Name was hardworking and kind.” Please accept our sincere condolences."
“I heard about the death of your husband. What an injustice of fate, I offer my condolences.”
“It is very difficult to come to terms with the loss of a friend. I can’t imagine how you feel, but I mourn with you.”
“This is an irreparable loss for the team. He was a bright soul, my condolences.”
“I heard sad news. I want to express my condolences on the death of my grandfather, take heart.”
“I deeply regret and empathize. Hold on, you still have to live."
“This is a terrible shock for all of us. My sincere condolences."
“I can’t find words of consolation, I can only sympathize with the grief.”
“We didn’t agree on everything, but that doesn’t diminish the grief. Let us be strong in suffering, like your son.”
“We didn’t have time to make friends, but as a colleague, “Name” taught me a lot. My sincere condolences to the family.”
“You have become an example for us in work, a teacher and an assistant. Impossible to find Right words, we mourn.”

Select the template you like from the list, transform it to suit the situation and pronounce it. There is no point in memorizing examples to the point of automatism - improvisation and pauses will make the phrases come alive.

How to grieve for a loved one

For family members, girlfriend or boyfriend short words condolences dilute real facts and warm attitude:

“Mom is gone, but I feel her nearby. Let's remember these gentle hands and hugs. Let's keep a cozy home and a happy atmosphere of childhood in our hearts, because there will be no second mother. Everlasting memory.»
“The death of a husband is the loss of half of the soul. I can’t imagine how fate dared to separate you. I offer my condolences to my wife and daughter. As the brother of the deceased, he is always ready to support with deeds and advice.”
“We went through so much together with your son, but never once, in difficult times or in happiness, did he leave me. They say that the best die early, and the death of “Name” confirms this. I sincerely sympathize and love you with all my heart.”
“Even though we didn’t have such a close relationship with dad as we did with mom, his passing left an indelible pain. You never quarreled with anyone, were rude or spoke badly about others. He always remained a kind, honest and bright person. We're glad you'll be remembered this way, Dad. And as daughters, we promise to continue your work and preserve the bright and good things that you have sown in our souls.”
“A mother’s grief is incomparable to anything. It's hard to express what it's like to lose a child, to lose a part of yourself. A misfortune you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Be happy there, son. I hope my child will be in better world and will find peace."
“I can’t imagine not touching my grandmother’s wrinkled hands again. I won’t find myself in a modest but cozy house that smells of herbs and medicines. I won’t wake up from the smell of pancakes and homemade jam. I won’t see my grandmother shaking her finger at an offending grandfather and scolding her parents as if they had mistreated their children. I'll miss you, grandma. Thank you for being there and giving me an incredible childhood.”
“I was lucky to meet my wife, lover and friend. Now I need to say goodbye, but I can’t find the words. You can’t prepare for farewell; this pain struck at the most inopportune moment. I don't know how I'll cope without you. I love and remember you endlessly.”
“I lost a brother and a friend. We can’t count how many hikes we went on, mountains and caves we explored, songs we sang under the stars. How can I not measure my love and affection for you. Sleep well."

If quarrels and unresolved disputes arose with a loved one during your life, it is appropriate to apologize on your farewell day. Just mentioning the details of the conflict and expressing anger is not worth it. In the case of words to the deceased, the rule “Either good or nothing” applies.

How to support those closest to the deceased

It is better to voice condolences for a deceased loved one in person. When it is not possible to attend farewell events, you can place sympathetic phrases in a telegram, letter or on the funeral ribbon of a wreath. Sample words that are said when offering condolences to a family are mentioned below.

Husband wife

“Your connection cannot be broken by earthly death. I don’t know other couples where people love each other as much. But the man would like you to live on and enjoy every day. Please accept my sincere words of support."
“You are lucky to share your life with a woman who illuminated your existence with warmth and true love. I grieve for this bright soul and worry with you.”
“True love never dies. Eternal memory to your beautiful woman."

Parents

“Letting go of your parents is not easy, but death is inevitable. I grieve with you."
“I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a loved one. I cannot understand the reason why fate decided to take him away. I can’t share this pain with you, but I can be there.”

Children

“The death of a child is a terrible loss for a woman and a man. Be strong."
“The little angel did not deserve to die. Rest in peace."
“Don’t let sadness cloud your mind, we must stay strong for the sake of other children. I'm here, count on me."

Boyfriend/girlfriend

“Dude, this is incredibly painful. But we will have to move on. Come when you need help in word or deed. I'm near."
“They say friends are known in adversity. In this trouble, I am ready to help with whatever is needed. I express my condolences for the deceased.”

Universal

“It’s hard to talk about, but it’s even harder to survive and come to terms with it. I share the pain with you, you can count on my help.”
“Neither tears nor words can help the grief. But we are here and will help you survive the bitterness of loss.”

Before pronouncing words, the state of the mourner is assessed. In difficult situations, it is better to express condolences to a friend through touch: holding hands, hugging. Tactile contact will also help cope with the feeling of loneliness due to loss.

How to express condolences in writing

In supporting the relatives of the victims, speed is important - in a week or two, the words needed in the first days will only once again remind them of what happened. If the message is sent in writing, the channels chosen are instant messengers, social networks, telegrams, SMS and wreath feeds. Short texts of 1-2 sentences are suitable for services. If you need to write a long letter, use email.

IN short messages You can sacrifice your feelings and details of your relationship with the deceased. Correctly write something that will support family members:

“It’s impossible to believe what happened. Good memory, “Name.”
“I want to say that I deeply regret the death of your loved one. To a good person- bright memory."
“Let me offer my condolences. I share your grief and am ready to do whatever help is needed now.”

Words are sometimes written on postcards with a suitable print, but this format causes confusion. The card is associated with a holiday; you should not bring something like this on the day of a funeral. When they want to say special phrases or highlight a deceased person, they write obituaries in newspapers.

A Christian believer during a ritual burial is seen off with the words:

“Rest, Lord, the soul of the deceased”;
“Bright peace to ashes “Name””;
"The Kingdom of heaven";
“Lord, rest with the Saints”;
“Forgive voluntary and involuntary sins and grant the Kingdom of Heaven”;
"Rest in peace".

In Islam, it is customary to support relatives with instructions and pray to Allah. Stories from the life of the deceased should be left until the evening of remembrance - at a funeral, stories are unnecessary. Condolence with the phrases: “May Allah have mercy on the “Name”” or “May Allah forgive the sins of the deceased and have mercy on you.”

5 things they don't say at funerals

In order to express grief and not offend others, 5 prohibitions apply to texts of condolences.

Talk about grievances. Death put an end to the conflicts of the living, and there were no losers in this dispute. The surviving party forgets about the bad, at least for the duration of the funeral speeches. There is no strength to leave grievances in the past - it is better to remain silent.
Be ashamed of tears and ask others not to cry. Expressing grief through tears is a normal reaction of a person experiencing a loss. Let the grief flow out, otherwise the pain will transform into mental health problems.
Emphasize that death is natural and expected. “Grandfather was old, it was high time” or “He was drinking, his imminent death was obvious.” Such phrases insult the memory of the deceased and make loved ones angry. For a family, the loss may not be expected or obvious.
Talk about a happy future without a deceased person. Potential babies will not lessen the pain of losing a child. Future marriage will not force a man who has lost his wife to distance himself from mourning events.
Look for those to blame. “If you had treated him differently, he would still live” - not The best way cope with pain.

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are:

Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Any help?
Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

Second group valuable advice it’s much worse for the mourner than all these endless “hold on!”

“You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
“Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
“Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all Last year She was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends didn't see her that often - a couple of times a year. best case scenario. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

How he holds up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to see Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” - you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As a wise man who experienced a loss told me, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or simply a lot of life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s why memorials exist - to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.