Should you hit an autistic child? Why you shouldn't hit a child with autism

Parenthood is a system of interconnected components aimed at the birth and upbringing of a person. The behavior, emotions, and motives of parents form a complex set of methods and methods of interaction with the child. The success of parenting is directly influenced by feelings, family values, understanding responsibility, expectation and hope. Personal characteristics (physical and psychological) of adults also affect the style of raising their children. The influence of the family factor on the life of any person cannot be underestimated. And in the case of families with children with autism, it plays a leading role. The starting conditions for a child with autism are no less important than personal strengths, level of intelligence and favorable circumstances. IN childhood there is an awareness of oneself as different from others, which can have negative consequences for the psyche of an autistic child. The goal of parents is to create a parenting style in which abilities are revealed and future possibilities are understood.

This text offers parents of autistic children ten tips to improve the quality of their relationships. They are formulated as motivating wishes, despite the particle “not”, which is used solely to enhance the meaning of what is written.

1. do not neglect personal mental hygiene
The mental state of parents has a significant impact on the life and health of the child. Imbalance, neuroses, stress, trauma, etc. interfere with establishing contact. Reduced attention to the needs of an autistic child. They do not allow us to objectively assess either its potential or current needs. And they can even lead to tragedy: the murder of autistic children by their own parents, alas, is not uncommon.
To avoid irreversible consequences, it is necessary to contact specialists (psychologist, neurologist) in time to overcome your own problems. A friendly atmosphere in the family significantly increases the chances of children with autism to adapt to society.
Examples:
a) shouting and swearing in the family can frighten an autistic child and cause him to have autistic hysterics.
b) the irritability of the parent increases anxiety in the autistic child, as a result of which he is again more prone to breakdowns and withdraws more into himself.

2. Don’t identify with your autistic child.
Merging is dangerous for both parents and children. In this state of affairs, the parent painfully perceives any deviation from the expectations that he has for the child and experiences his failures as his own. An autistic child under overprotection experiences problems acquiring independent self-care skills, which will negatively affect his future life. adult life. The smart approach here is training rather than maintenance.
Examples:
a) an autistic child does not know how to tie his shoelaces: the parent must repeatedly show the algorithm, then jointly do the lacing until the child learns on his own; a bad option would be to do it for the child all the time.
b) an autistic child does not know how to visit a store and make purchases: teach him in small steps - first teach him to take one necessary product, then several, then show him the process of paying for purchases, send him for products or things according to the list, be sure to be in touch (in case the child has questions will arise).

3. do not forget about the need for self-education
Regular reading of academic papers by autism experts, personal blogs, and forums for parents with autistic children can be helpful. At the same time, it is important to remember that a systematic approach is needed, and not chaotic sorting various options based on other people's positive experiences. First of all, you need to focus on your specific child and his characteristics. If they do not fully fit into the groups proposed, for example, by L. Wing or O. Nikolskaya, combine methods based on the child’s reactions.
Examples:
a) your autistic child, according to the description, is similar to a certain autistic child X, who has already learned to sit down for homework or heat food on his own, but yours will not learn these actions: do not consider your child stupid or hopeless, do not blindly copy other people’s methods, watch your child and find ones that are effective for him.
b) ABA therapy is recommended by many specialists and parents, but if your child rejects this method, then stop classes, perhaps sensory-integrative therapy or even classes with a speech therapist and a clear schedule without the intervention of other specialists will be more suitable for him.
c) do not rush to ask for medications based on someone else’s experience: your autistic child needs explanations and support, and not a “vegetable” state.

4. Don’t ignore the strengths of an autistic child.
Any parents and children are different individuals with different sets of abilities. A child with autism also means having a different cognitive style. Special interests may or may not become careers. In any case, encourage them and help the autistic child find information. When talking about the applied area of ​​his interests and abilities, be respectful and specific. Your task is to help understand future actions, and not to devalue the activities of an autistic child.
Examples:
a) an autistic child spends a lot of time with letters: offer him a keyboard and teach him to type, in this case, if he does not become a writer, he can be a proofreader or typer.
b) an autistic child is interested in drawing: support him, put him in a studio, invite a teacher, etc., even if in the end he does not grow up to be a great artist, he may well turn out to be an illustrator, a vector graphics specialist, etc.

5. do not forcefully socialize an autistic child
The skills of communicating, maintaining them, and establishing mutual connections are difficult for autistic people at any age. Failure in this area leads to isolation, anxiety disorder and depression. Any participation in a group of peers should cause satisfaction in an autistic child, and not hysteria or overload. Explain to your autistic child the rules of communication and behavior, and be ready to help. The child should know that you are his support and source of information, and not another person who rejects his essence and nature.
Examples:
a) a certain autistic child X goes to kindergarten, and your condition only worsens from visiting preschool: change your work schedule or hire a caregiver so that the child is at home; it will be better for him to develop at his own pace in a calm environment than to experience overload and disruptions in kindergarten due to the fact that they cannot find an approach to him.
b) do not hesitate to approach the children on the playground with him and ask them to take him into the game, helping him learn the rules along the way, but if the child experiences discomfort, then it is better to play with him together or let him do something on his own.
c) do not set a goal to achieve eye contact - autistic children do well without it, forcing will not increase their attention, but will cause anxiety.

6. Don’t dismiss an autistic child’s sensory needs
It is known that the sensory perception of children with autism (as well as adults) has its own characteristics. Some types of sensory information, due to improper filtering at the input, are intolerable or cause complications. Carefully examine all of your child's needs in this area. Be sure to read how autistic adults describe their experience of sensory overload (they were children too), and try to use your “model of mind” and empathy (they say they work “correctly” for you, neurotypical people) - imagine that everything around you it stinks, screams at the highest volume level, blinds you, crushes you. This is what your child with autism feels and understands. Your task is to alleviate this condition for him, and not to “harden” him, especially since this is impossible.
Examples:
a) an autistic child closes his ears or eyes - this is a sign of overload, darken the room, turn off the source of sounds (TV, record player, radio), if you are in a shopping center, then try to get the child out of there as soon as possible.
b) clothes can also cause overload: too thick, made of irritating material (silk, wool), if a child pulls things off, then try to understand what exactly bothers him about them and do not try to force them, buy clothes from other materials and a different size .
c) eating problems arise due to sensory sensitivity to the texture and consistency of foods: an autistic child does not eat solid food, so prepare him purees and cream soups; an autistic child does not eat mixed foods - give them separately; do not try to overcome the child, this will cause an eating disorder and gastrointestinal problems.

7. Do not use nicknames or pet names for children with autism.
Autistic children are first and foremost people, any autistic child is first and foremost a person. A person has a name and dignity, birthrights. Applying nicknames chosen by parents to autistic children is humiliation of individuals. “Outyats” and “aspies” exist in your imaginary reality; they are initially devoid of subjectivity. Only autistic people (or people with autism, with Asperger's syndrome) can call themselves whatever they choose. Parents of autistic children should address them and talk about them by name or whatever the child prefers.
Examples:
a) “Every time I read another parent calling their child an autistic, I feel irritated. It doesn’t seem to concern me, but it’s unpleasant. As if autistics are not people, but half-animals.” (c) an adult with autism
b) “What does “autmama” mean? It’s one thing if an autistic woman-mother calls herself that, and another thing when she’s a neurotypical one. Moreover, she has no idea about adequately raising children. I just want to say in response that you are not us, but We are not you." (c) a girl with Asperger's syndrome

8. Don’t be under the illusion that you can outgrow autism.
Autism (autism spectrum disorder) is a lifelong condition with to varying degrees severity of symptoms. There are examples of successful adaptation of autistic people in society (T. Grandin, D. E. Robison, A. Neumann, E. Sequenzia). Each of them has its own unique set of abilities, characteristics, difficulties and problems. Just like your child with autism. Will he find his place in life, will he live independently, will he succeed in terms of his career and personal relationships - he will still be an autistic person.
Examples:
a) an autistic child has a speech delay, exactly the same thing your friend or relative had, who has succeeded in life and does not have any signs of autism - this person was not born autistic, and your child is autistic, accept this.
b) a certain autistic adult successfully works, has received a higher education, lives completely independently: this does not mean that he does not struggle with the world every day, is not forced to pretend and adapt, paying for it high price(anxiety, taking medications)

9. do not use physical violence to an autistic child
Punishment with a belt, spanking, hitting or any other physical influence on children is unacceptable. And this must be accepted as an imperative without explanation or reservation. Neither the experience of previous generations, nor difficulties with upbringing, nor personal hardships emotional condition parents cannot be an excuse for this kind of action.
Examples: there cannot be any examples here; if you are in doubt, then refer to the recommendation in point 1, and urgently.

10. speak up about autism
Stereotypes and myths about autistic children create fear and rejection. Autism awareness in various life situations will help bring about positive changes in public perception. Talk about your autistic child, explain his behavior, reactions and needs. The more others know, the more likely there is to be tolerance and acceptance of people with autism. And, perhaps, future children with autism will live in a much more suitable society for them.
Examples:
a) if an autistic child has a meltdown (medddown) in a public place, then when helping him, tell people that he is not dangerous to them, that these are his reactions to light and sounds (and other sensory impulses).
b) an autistic child stims in public - explain to others that in this way he achieves calm and concentration, and does not at all seek to shock others.
c) on the playground, at school, talk to other parents and teachers about autism, recommend articles, give brochures - education is two-way.

Wing, L. & Gould, J. (1979), "Severe Impairments of Social Interaction and Associated Abnormalities in Children: Epidemiology and Classification" // Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 9, pp. 11–29.
O.S. Nikolskaya "Psychological classification of childhood autism" // Almanac No. 18 " Childhood autism: ways of understanding and help", 2014.
Tony Attwood "Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals", 1998.

A specialist’s answer to a question from parents of a child with autism and self-aggression

“When I physically punish my six-year-old son (he has autism), he starts hitting himself. Should I use physical punishment? Should I let him continue to beat me?”

The question is answered by psychologist Stephanie Weber from the Kelly O'Leary Center for Autism Spectrum Disorders at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center, USA.

Thanks for your question. You touched on an important issue that many families face every day.

The short answer is: “No.” Physical punishment is a bad approach, especially when it comes to a child with autism. And I'm glad I have the opportunity to explain in more detail why we don't recommend using physical punishment in response to problem behavior.

First, I understand why some families turn to physical punishment. After all, they can actually stop problematic behavior, and immediately. Parents begin to feel that physical punishment is a quick and effective solution. However, in the long term, punishments may not help a child's behavior problems. Why?

For starters, you don't teach your child how to need to behave. For example, if you want to stop your child from running around in the hallway at home, you might say, “Don't run.” Alas, after this the child still does not understand what you want from him. On the other hand, if you say, “You have to go home,” then you are telling him your expectations. In this view, physical punishment quickly conveys a "don't do that" message, but it does nothing to guide your child toward correct behavior.

The meaning of the behavior model

Children learn new behavior, including through imitation. In other words, your own behavior is a “model” that teaches your children how to act. If you use physical punishment, then you can teach your child that he, too, can punish other people through physical aggression or yourself.

What to do with the problem of self-injury

You also ask how to deal with your son's reaction to physical punishment when he starts hitting himself. Of course, we don't want him to hurt himself.

When I discuss self-harm with families, my first priority is safety. If your son's self-injury results in bruises or blood, then it is extremely important to discuss the situation with a doctor or psychologist. If you think your child may cause serious injury to themselves or someone else, do not delay, contact emergency services and get emergency help.

If there is no danger of serious injury, I recommend working with a behavior analyst who can determine why your son is hitting himself.

No behavior just happens. You are preparing dinner because you are hungry, but your child is behaving badly because there is a reason for it. One common reason is communication. Unwanted behavior often replaces speech for those who have difficulty communicating with words, and this happens to many people with autism.

Five common reasons for self-injury

There are five types of motivation for problem behavior, including self-injury.

First, some children may have medical problems, such as toothaches or headaches, and may hit themselves to mask or relieve the pain. I suggest you talk to your child's doctor if you suspect this may be a contributing factor to his behavior.

Secondly, a child may misbehave in order to “escape” a stressful situation or to avoid some task or responsibility.

Third, people with autism sometimes hit themselves to get attention from other people.

Fourth, disturbing others may be a way to get what you want—food, a toy, or another item.

In addition, the behavior can stimulate or calm the person when he needs it. A classic example of a self-soothing behavior is rocking, a repetitive movement common to many children and adults on the autism spectrum. When your son hits himself, any of the above reasons could be behind it.

Finally, as mentioned earlier, your son may simply imitate your punishment by hitting himself.

Once you and your therapist understand the reasons for your child's behavior, you can develop an action plan and find more desirable "replacement" behaviors.
For example, if the reason is “running away,” then I recommend teaching your child a different way to ask for or signal that they need a break. If your son's behavior allows him to get something he wants, then I recommend teaching him the skills of waiting. To do this, we often use visual support, such as a Now-Then board. On such a board, a picture is placed on the left, indicating the task that he must do, and the second picture depicts what he will receive after completing the task.

Positive approach to behavior

A more positive approach will help you deal with both the problem behavior that prompted you to use physical punishment and your son's subsequent habit of hitting himself. I suggest you start paying more attention to your son's constructive behavior. For example, praise him, give him a high five, or use any other positive reinforcement for being "good with his hands" when he's annoyed, but not hitting himself.

Also start looking for more positive ways to show your son what he should do. Visual support through images or photographs can help you better communicate your expectations. For example, you can use a visual schedule to help your child better understand what is going to happen during the day.

The token system is another visual tool that will tell your son what to do to get what he wants. On the token board is a photo or drawing of the “reward” that the child will receive when all the tokens are on the board. The child receives a token each time they comply with your request or behave in an appropriate manner. Once all the tokens are collected, the child immediately receives the item in the picture. I suggest you choose appropriate rewards based on your child's interests. The tokens themselves can also be a source of joy. For example, I know a family that uses dog tags that feature the child's favorite superhero.

I think that once you move from physical punishment to positive reinforcement of desired behaviors, you will notice rapid improvements in your child's behavior.

We hope you find the information on our website useful or interesting. You can support people with autism in Russia and contribute to the work of the Foundation by clicking on.

Many will probably say that the question is not correct, especially in relation to children. However, the use of physical punishment, accompanied by causing pain in the child, does occur, especially in relation to hyperactive children with mental retardation, which is often found in childhood autism.

We will omit ethical issues in this article so that everyone knows perfectly well that hitting children is bad, but let’s talk about the negative impact these actions have on children with autism.

Firstly:
Physical punishment, namely a feeling of pain and a feeling of fear, can cause a child to become accustomed to this punishment, since children with childhood autism have a deficit of sensations caused by the characteristics of the disease. After all, pain, like fear, is also a sensation, albeit a negative one. In life, it may look like this: The child has done something very wrong, to which he received a slap on the “soft spot” from the “furious” mother. As a result, the child first receives sensations from fear, and later from pain. As a result, the child in the future, in order to obtain these sensations, will provoke the mother by committing offenses. It may seem strange to some that negative feelings can make a child want to repeat them. However, if we look at ordinary children, we will also see that they like to be afraid, because various horror stories, horror films, ... are very popular among children, precisely because these are new, thrilling sensations. Moreover, unlike autistic children, ordinary children receive much more sensations from the outside world, so the need for new sensations in autistic children is much greater.

Secondly:
An autistic child lives according to familiar patterns. Consequently, if physical punishment is periodically applied for any offense, the child will get used to it. In the future, after negative manifestations, he will expect physical punishment. If no punishment follows, that is, a change in the usual pattern occurs, new negative manifestations in his behavior are likely.
Getting used to the scheme: “negative manifestation - physical punishment”, combined with new sensations, happens very quickly, for some, just once is enough.

Third:
Against the background of a deficit of sensations, after the child has experienced new sensations in the form of pain, self-injury may develop. That is, the child will begin to give himself these sensations. Moreover, self-injury can also manifest itself against the backdrop of a change in schema. The child will begin to beat himself after negative behavior, trying to restore his usual pattern.

Fourth:
As with ordinary children, the use of physical punishment can cause aggression towards others. If you hit a child, he automatically learns to hit others.

How often, if something is really impossible, but someone does it, they tell him:

Do it better differently.
-Don’t you want to do it differently?
-Why are you doing this?

And in fact, all this means: “You can’t!!! If you do this, we will punish you!!!” But at the same time, #purelyconcepts The word “You can’t” is also forbidden to be spoken in such situations. And if an autistic person clarifies: “But this is not possible,” he will be laughed at. For violation of concepts. It turns out that everyone must understand for themselves that this is impossible, cannot be explained, and the punishment will be cruel if you do not understand.

And neurotypical people understand this automatically. And an autistic person understands this phrase as it is written. I will give the same three examples. If a neurotypical person understood the word “impossible” in each of these phrases - also, by the way, forbidden, then for an autistic person it will look like this:

Do it better differently. “Apparently, now it’s better to eat with a fork. I was asked SPECIFICALLY NOW to eat with a fork. And tomorrow I will eat with my hands again."

Agree, if now we have a promotion as part of the project #I'm a blogger_3 (http://vk.com/public75479771) regarding any temporary discounts, and I will ask you to write to submit an application in the desired topic, if this interests you, you will not think that you need to submit an application there every day when you need this particular service, the promotion will pass, and you you will write a month, 100 days, a year... After all, if you see a discount promotion, you will write once. And for an autistic person it’s the same.

-Don’t you want to do it differently? -Don't want.

After all, if you are asked if you want to eat, for example, sushi in a restaurant, and you really don’t like sushi, you will answer no. And that will be okay.

Why are you doing this?
-It's more comfortable for me.
-*laugh*
-Am I doing something wrong? Tell me how to do it right?
-Are you kidding? Everyone knows this. Think for yourself, don't pretend!

And if you are hired as a maintenance operator for a scientific computer, which requires special proprietary instructions, without which it is almost impossible to operate this computer correctly, they will also break everything, and you ask for it, and they will answer you: “Are you kidding me? This is clear to everyone! Don’t pretend, figure it out yourself, without instructions” - and even after you leave and ask a friend, a computer science teacher, a course teacher, or even the manufacturer of this computer to teach you how to use this computer, and they will all answer the same thing, can you Do you work with this computer? Especially if issuing operating instructions for it is generally prohibited at the state level?

But if you can refuse to work on a computer, then in the initial case you cannot refuse, and you will be executed. And you don’t know HOW, HOW to avoid this execution. They don't tell you.

Therefore, in families that do not understand, autistic people may have difficulty understanding even basic rules of decency. The child eats with his hands.
-Eat like a pig.
-How can you eat not like a pig?
- Yes, I'm already sick of it! Eat like everyone else and don’t freak out!

As a result, the child does not know HOW TO EAT LIKE EVERYONE else. HOW TO EAT NOT LIKE A PIG? He is afraid to ask because they are angry with him. But he himself cannot guess. That's why he regularly gets punched. As a result, we have a child who, at the age of 10, eats with his hands, is intimidated because he was pressed a lot, and generally strives to hide while eating so that no one sees how he eats. For example, he will secretly gorge himself on fast food, or, if there is no money, he will pick up something in the trash, and while eating with his parents he will say that he is not hungry. Anything, as long as you don’t eat in front of those who scold you for it and don’t explain HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY.

Is it really so difficult to tell a child: “According to the laws of society, it is FORBIDDEN to eat with your hands, you must eat with a fork and spoon (and show the technique of working with these utensils)?” And one such instruction will solve this problem once and for all. Apparently it's difficult. Because it is counter-conceptual.

Now I took the most striking, although not so often encountered, phenomenon, because as a rule, parents explain about a spoon and a fork, but the system is clear. There are a lot of such rules in everyday life, and people around you often react when asked to explain the most complex of them.

Moreover, even if the parents are kind, the probability of this is high, but friends at school, dorm, camp, etc., will not explain. Even if a child has learned the basics, a bunch of rules appear in the team that the parents did not have time to instill in him. And peers will not spare - they will immediately begin to punish. This is how, for the most part, group bullying of autistic people begins.

In general, the life of an autistic person among these strict laws can be described by the following metaphor:

You come from a free society, where everyone is friends and everything is possible, and you find yourself in a totalitarian country with very strict laws, for violating which you are immediately caught and either imprisoned for a very long time or shot. But publishing the Criminal Code in this country is prohibited; if anyone is found with the Criminal Code, he is shot on the spot, just like the one who knows this Code but dares to retell it to anyone. And even the policeman who arrests you and drags you to jail is strictly prohibited by internal orders of the Ministry of Internal Affairs from answering to you why he arrested you. And if he gives up and tells you what you are accused of, he will immediately be put on trial.

And you can find the Criminal Code in this country only through the TOR Browser, on pirated homemade blocked sites that can be found in a search engine only in two hours of searching, which have not been updated for two years, which dangerous hackers wrote themselves, from memory, from the words of others (thirds) , fourth people), and they are described very unclearly, and this despite the fact that almost all the information on these sites is different, and even contradicts each other.

Agree, even if you are quite happy with a strict dictatorship, but according to ordinary law, then you are unlikely to be able to live in the country described above. Try with all your might to start a rebellion. Even if alone. Because there is no strength to endure it at all. Go crazy with this fear of criminal prosecution coupled with the unknown. But this is precisely why autistic adults are so suspicious and almost ready to defend themselves by any means and at any cost, even if there has not yet been a real threat to life.

My dears, what will happen to you if you say that this is impossible? Is this a magic word, the utterer of which immediately dies from lightning from the sky? But this is exactly the impression that is created. Well, please tell him, you will solve a lot of problems with this. And explain how it should be, even if for you these are the most basic things. Or tell him this in private and strictly forbid him from saying that it is you. If you are afraid that you will be punished when he tells them that you committed a particularly serious war crime related to treason, namely, you told him the word: “IMPOSSIBLE.” Tell him to blame it on someone who cannot be punished. Or let him read an article where this is written; they are unlikely to look for the author to punish him.

It is not always easy for parents to decide how best to deal with their child's unwanted behavior. The situation becomes even more complicated if the child has autism. It is important for parents of children with autism to understand that instilling discipline is not just punishing a child for “bad” actions, but changing behavior and guiding it in a constructive direction.

Steps

Consider the characteristics of the child’s psyche

Don't forget that a child with autism is first and foremost a child. All children have preferences, quirks, whims and each of them reacts to different things in their own way. Each child has his own likes and dislikes. Autism does not negate these aspects in any way. Any discipline teaching method used must treat challenging behavioral situations with sensitivity. Try to give your child the support he needs to exercise self-control to turn “bad” behavior into constructive behavior.

• Like any child, children with autism can misbehave. Children often break rules and cannot control their actions when they are in a bad mood. Autism is not at all an “indulgence” and not a reason to break the rules, but, on the other hand, a child with autism cannot be punished only for the way he expresses himself and his feelings. Discipline means teaching self-control and the ability to constructively meet your needs.

1. Be patient. Trying to understand your child can be frustrating, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Over time, using the following strategies, your child with autism will learn to behave better. Don't expect this to happen overnight.

   • Remember that children with autism face challenges such as sensory issues and communication difficulties. Sometimes they lead to despair and a feeling of hopelessness.
   • Do not forget that the body language of a child with autism at the time of perception of information can be very different from the usual body language of children. He may make strange movements or look around and appear distracted, but this does not mean that the child is not listening to you.

2. Be positive. Remember that most “discipline” involves trying to reward the child for good behavior, not punishing him for misbehavior. Give him examples of unacceptable behavior and offer alternatives, which will be discussed below. The more you focus on good behavior, the more often the child will choose this course of action. If misbehavior continues to occur frequently, try taking your child to a behavior specialist.

   Learn to recognize emotional breakdowns. Many cases of "bad behavior" in children with autism are actually emotional breakdowns. These situations are especially difficult when the child is still small or not inclined to communicate, so he cannot say about the reasons for the bad mood. “Tantrums” and “pampering” may be an attempt to communicate needs, cope with disturbing sensory sensations or stress.

   • It is best to come up with a plan that will help you teach your child to avoid emotional breakdowns on their own. Classic educational techniques such as punishment (a corner or a “quiet chair”) can only worsen the situation, upset the child even more and deprive him of the feeling of control over his decisions. Teach your child to “distract” and explain how to calm down so that he learns to properly manage his emotions and control his actions.
   • Read and learn how to deal with tantrums in children with autism.

3. Don't yell at your child. Yelling, trying to control a child's actions or showing power over him can cause anxiety and confusion. In moments of anxiety, children become overly excited and restless. They may become hysterical, scream or cry. Try not to raise your voice, even if you are very upset.

   • Try to buy time. Say, “I’m really upset right now and I need to think about what’s best to do.”
   • Attempts at self-harm are also possible when the child begins to hit his head against an object. Discuss alternative options with a therapist to teach your child how to relieve stress in other ways.

4. Gradually change the routine based on the child's age. The routine should be fairly constant, but it should be remembered that the child is getting older, his character and range of interests are changing, and with them the methods of education need to change.

   • For example, after lunch, physical education may be on the list, but if after each lesson the child has a stomach ache, then before starting the exercises he will lose his mood. There is no need to blindly follow the schedule for fear of confusing your child. Change your routine according to your needs. So, try doing physical exercise before lunch. Tell your child this and make sure he understands.

5. The child must remain supervised. It is important to notice moments when a child needs to “unwind” (for example, after school). This is necessary when the child is overloaded with what is happening and is overwhelmed by feelings. If your child is tired or upset due to excessive irritation, then he needs to relax. Take your baby to a quiet, safe place where he can rest and relax in a relaxed environment under unobtrusive supervision. For example, leave him to draw in a quiet room while you sit nearby and read a book.

   Make sure there are no sleep disorders or diseases. If a child is unable to get enough sleep or is in pain, then crying and self-indulgence will be a completely natural reaction that can easily be considered “bad behavior.”

Use specific parenting strategies

Create a direct link between educational interventions and problem behavior. It is especially important to take action immediately after a bad act. Of course, at some points it is better to close your eyes. If you punish a child long after the offense, he may not understand at all why he is being punished. It is better to let go of the situation and not punish the child when he no longer sees the connection between the action and the disciplinary measure.

• If the child perceives visual information well, make pictures with examples of bad actions and subsequent punishment, as well as correct actions and rewards. This approach will help him understand the connection between bad behavior and educational measures.
• Also explain the connection between good behavior and positive consequences: “If you put your toys in a drawer, you will always be able to find them, and your room will be clean and beautiful.” The child will see an alternative to bad actions and understand what behavior you expect from him.

1. Use educational measures at different levels. There is no need to rely on one type or example of punishment. The severity of the measures must be proportionate to the scale of the offense.

   • Use verbal warnings to give a chance to improve: “Sasha, don’t fight.”
   • Use natural consequences - if a child scatters toys, he will collect them himself.
   • Eliminate incentives and privileges like cartoons on TV. Make sure that the measure does not affect the child's special interests or cause significant distress, otherwise it will not be effective.

2. Be consistent. A clear logical chain must be formed in the minds of children: bad behavior will lead to bad consequences that will occur regardless of other factors.

   Choose optimal educational measures. Use punishments that have been found to be effective and appropriate for your child. For example: :

   • Don't give in. The child will understand that such behavior is unacceptable. Clearly explain that this is counterproductive (for example: “I don’t understand you when you scream. Try to calm down and explain what happened”).
   • Patiently remind your child of ways to gain control (such as deep breathing or silent counting). Offer to do this together.
   • Withhold rewards as a consequence of bad behavior. If a child behaves badly, then as a punishment you can deprive him of his usual reward.

3. Do not use physical measures as punishment - spanking, hitting, strong irritants. Cruelty in response to cruelty will only convince the child that cruelty in a bad mood is normal. If you get very angry with your child, use the same methods to control yourself. Show by example how to behave in moments of anger.

   Criticize the action, not the child. Don't call your child “bad.” Point out an example of such behavior to correct the behavior. For example, say:

   • “I see that you are upset, but there is no use shouting. Let's take deep breaths together?"
   • “Why did you fall on the floor? Did something upset you at the store?”
   • “You can't hit people. If you're angry, try talking, talk to an adult, or cool down and pull yourself together."

Create a reward system

1. Create a reward system that is directly tied to good behavior. By analogy with punishments, a child needs to understand the cause-and-effect relationship between a good deed and a reward (praise or reward). Over time, the child's behavior will change, and he will become more disciplined.

2. Determine your child's likes and dislikes. Arrange activities and rewards your child enjoys in order of increasing interest. Create a list and refer to the rating so that you can use these items as rewards for good behavior or to try to stop bad behavior.

   • It may seem like this is a kind of “bribe,” but the whole point is in the correct application of this approach. It is important to reward your child for good behavior, not for him to stop behaving badly.
   • Use this approach casually and not too often. For example: "I'm proud of the way you behaved in this crowded store. We'll have some free time this afternoon. Would you like us to read picture books?"

3. Be open to new ideas. Every child is unique, and children with autism are doubly unique. Punishment or a “boring” activity for one child may be the highest reward for children with autism and vice versa. Try to think creatively and consider new ideas for rewards and educational measures.

   • Estimation: Always think carefully about the measure in advance. Could you use this approach with a child without autism? If not, such a measure may do more harm than good.

4. Define a reward system. There are many options, but we will look at the two best systems:

   • Create a behavior chart and mark good deeds with a special sticker or tag. The child will receive a reward when he earns a certain amount of stickers. Let your child apply the stickers themselves so they can participate in the process.
   • A system of symbolic rewards is often used. Usually the child receives a reward for good behavior (badge, token, coin). You can change the types of rewards later. Such a system is often a kind of contract with the child, so it cannot be used with very young children.

5. Praise the child. Say your praise clearly, but quietly, so that the child does not become overexcited or upset. Praise for the attempt, not the result. Praise him for striving to achieve his goal. For a child with autism, your assessment of his perseverance and efforts is very important, not the final result.

   • If the child does not understand spoken language, then give a small reward along with praise.
   • Your sincerity and admiration for doing the right thing motivates your child to do the right thing more often.

6. Use sensory rewards. They are usually more difficult to present as rewards, but rewards that properly stimulate sensory activity are important to the child. Make sure that he does not get overexcited, otherwise the child may become upset. Examples:

   • Vision: Sometimes children like to look at new books, a fountain, animals (especially fish) or flying airplanes.
   • Hearing: a song or quiet soothing music on simple instruments like a piano.
   • Taste: The point is not just to eat. Let your child try different foods that he likes - sweet fruits, salty foods, or other foods that taste good.
   • Smell: Teach your child to identify different smells like eucalyptus, lavender, orange and flowers.
   • Touch: sand, a ball pit, water, or even food packaging (a bag of chips, bubble wrap), jelly, or play dough.