My friend says bad things about me. My friend is not my friend: How to understand that something is wrong with your friendship

06.02.2018 10:15:20

When people say nasty things to you, it spoils your mood and lowers your self-esteem.

If you say nasty things in response, you will definitely run into conflict and waste your precious energy. And if you endure it, you might get sick.

What should I do?

There was a period in my life when my friends and acquaintances did not say nasty things to me at all - only pleasant compliments. This was when I just moved to live in the city. I didn’t have a permanent job (and at 18 years old and without experience it’s impossible to find one), I didn’t have a beautiful and fashionable clothes. All my friends told me: “You’re my good one! My poor thing, let me help you!”

My poor and unhappy friend is great at inflating her self-esteem, so sometimes they helped me out with housing, helped me get a job, gave me unnecessary things...

But a year later the situation changed dramatically. I found Good work, and even began to make a career. I entered college and began to dress beautifully. Now I could give my things to my friend. And then it began!

My sweet and beautiful girls started saying nasty things to me! My new shoes, in their opinion, were ugly! The perfectly fitting dress made me look like a scarecrow! Personally crocheted openwork sweater they called it “womanish”, although I saw exactly the same one on the catwalk at the last fashion show... And in general, my taste and style suddenly turned out to be disgusting...

And then I stood in front of the mirror, looked at myself, and couldn’t understand what was wrong? The item fits correctly and makes me look slimmer and taller. She's elegant. Perfect color and style. But why do girlfriends say that everything is bad?

At that moment my boss saved me. I once asked her how the new dress fits on me, does it suit me? But her short answer: “Everything is fine” did not satisfy me. And I complained to her that my friends said the opposite.

And she said a phrase that struck me then:
“Oksana, why do I love you? You’re smart, beautiful, you have a career, you can afford a lot, plus you’re studying at the institute. There’s nothing to love you for!..”

Since then, I have stopped reacting to destructive female attacks. And I realized one important thing: “Friends are made not in trouble, but in joy.”

If your friend tells you that you have become fat or thin, or even worse - haggard... If your luxurious sweater self made she calls it “womanish” and tries to convince you that your Italian handbag is tasteless... Think about it! Is she your friend?

Then I began to seriously think about the fact that poor and unhappy friends, although they can do a good job of raising your self-esteem, are always ready to bite you mentally, and, if possible, cripple you...

So I just try not to be friends with those who bite.

How do I react to moral stings?

If they say nasty things to you, try to “get into the skin” of this person. Why is he telling you this?

Sometimes I hear nasty things addressed to me. As a rule, this happens when meeting distant relatives, former classmates, etc.

Sometimes they write nasty things to me on social networks. Well, a man is jealous of me, what can you do? I don't argue, I don't make excuses, I don't stoop to their level and I don't bite back. I'm just giving them a bath.

And by the way, I’m not upset at all. You see what's going on. I became a florist and arts and crafts artist at age 20. And how I sold figurines of Chinese Buddhas and cracked vases! Naturally, I had colleagues who openly hated me and said all sorts of nasty things. Well, the dog is with them! The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on. I'm used to it :)

At the age of 24, I became a successfully exhibited and sold artist in the city. Local newspapers often wrote about me and filmed interviews. People began to recognize me on the street. Sometimes fellow artists came up to me and started telling me that I draw disgustingly, I have no sense of style, and my technique is lame. There’s just one problem: my paintings were exhibited and sold, but theirs were not...

Therefore, I always looked at all such bites with pity. If a person is forced to stoop to this level, it means that something is pushing him to do so.

Well, if some lady comes to my page and writes that I’m a fool and I look bad, I just feel sorry for this woman. It’s so hard for her that she spends her precious minutes of life surfing the net and throwing around her own intellectual garbage. Poor thing!

Well, I can just delete the nasty things :).

“Look at the root,” as Kozma Prutkov said. And I'll add: "Look at the root and don't worry :)"

If nasty things offend you?

Well, what if you were still hurt? For example, did a colleague speak negatively about you, and even publicly? Or is your boss jealous of you because you are confidently pursuing a career and are generally slimmer than her?

What should I do? After all, sometimes saying nasty things in response is not always necessary or useful. And anyway, why stoop to their level?

But you feel bad. You constantly chase your resentment in your thoughts, you suffer... After all, you can get sick!

What to do?

Write this person a letter. In a letter, tell him everything you think about him, finally swear at him if you feel that you need it. Write that he is a ruthless bastard, but life will show who is right :). Justify yourself!

This letter does not need to be sent. Here it is important to simply complete this gestalt, calm down and not think about the offense anymore. All:).

If you are “lucky” to work next to a disgusting colleague or boss who (oh misfortune!) envy you and regularly say nasty things, use another method of Gestalt therapy.

Get into the habit of hitting a mat, a pillow, or hitting a punching bag at the gym a couple of times a week. You can name the rug after your boss :) Go up to him and say: “Well, Marvanna, did you jump? You decided to scold me. You’ve gone completely crazy! Now I’m going to beat you...”

Should you say nasty things in response?

Definitely not worth it. Be wiser. Sometimes you can just feel sorry for a person. After all, if they throw their intellectual poop at you, understand that at first a person keeps these “poop” within himself, and they stink in him, poison his entire existence. He himself suffers from them, and most likely, he suffers much more than you!

One day I’m standing in a store. I’m wearing a luxurious fur coat, high-heeled boots, makeup. I have a nice conversation with the saleswoman about which dress I should buy - the blue one, in which I look amazing, or the elegant black one, in which I am just amazingly good :). And then a woman ten years older than me comes up. You know those ladies, they always have a correct and stern expression on their faces. This one, for example, was similar to my tyrant English teacher, whom I was terrified of throughout my childhood.

So, this tyrant comes up to me and says something like: “There’s no point in showing off like that!”

And that’s right, why am I showing off here in my beautiful mink coat?

I make an extremely stupid expression on my face and calmly agree with her: “My God, how insightful you are, and I didn’t even know I was showing off! Thank you, you opened my eyes!”

That's it, the conflict is over. The tyrant is depressed, and the saleswoman giggles with pleasure:)

But think, why did she come at all? Because in her soul she felt bad or even disgusted, and she was looking for a victim. And here I stand, in a beautiful fur coat, calmly complimenting myself, and in general, even dresses suit me... So she decided to bite me. So that I would bite her back. And then she would start growling at me, and openly tearing and throwing at me! Because there is no point in going shopping in full dress. After all, you need to show off less, be angry and unhappy like her.... And if you are not like that, expect punishment!

If I had gone into conflict, I would have given this aunt a lot of pleasure. And I would leave the store upset, with bleeding emotions and torn feelings. And I, damn it, agreed with her, drowning out the conflict at the root... And this will only make things worse for her. And it's her choice...

Or another situation. I meet a former classmate, and she says: "You've become blonde! Ugh... it doesn't suit you!"

What should I answer her? "Look at yourself!"

But why? To get a whole tub of slop in return?

It's much better to say: “Yes, yes, I’ll definitely think about it. In general, it’s so nice when others notice changes in me! You’re so sweet!”

The brilliant Faina Ranevskaya once said:
“If someone did something nasty to you, give this person candy. It’s nasty to you - and you get candy! And give candy until this bastard gets diabetes!”

So don't skimp on the candy! Give them away generously :)

Well, if you always want to competently avoid conflicts, without suffering from low self-esteem, study my In this case, I would even call it “culture of non-biting” :)

“I stopped being offended, eating my stress and started losing weight!”

I thank Oksana, Olga and Elena for such deep and serious work with the cadets “How to raise a woman’s self-esteem.”

I consider the main result of completing the course to be the realization that you need to work on yourself constantly, systematically, even when you don’t clearly understand how it works, you need to take it and do it every day. Do it every day so that you can get the desired result for yourself.

I identified for myself the reasons for difficulties in relationships with men, and taking into account the professional recommendations of the author of the project Oksana Duplyakina and psychologist Olga Shevchenko, I developed a detailed plan of work in this direction.

During the course, I learned how to properly get rid of old grievances and mastered the technique of forgiveness, so to speak. And this has already yielded results. For example, I got rid of the resentment for the kilograms I had gained - and immediately began to lose weight (-2 kg per week), I no longer wanted to eat everything and wanted to do exercises. I got rid of the resentment for unfinished tasks - and the long-standing unfinished projects immediately began to be completed.

I grew up, began to take my life more seriously, I realized in practice that I really can do a lot. And again I accepted that my life is in my hands.

I don't want to be offended by anyone anymore. Old grievances go away thanks to the practice of forgiveness, but new ones do not appear. I don’t want to be offended by anyone at all, and that’s great!!!

I began the most important work for myself to “instill” love for myself. This is also an obligatory daily practice for me now. And for the first time in my entire life, I am consciously and systematically working on the most important thing.

I learned to cancel old negative attitudes that interfere with my life life to the fullest, and replace them with new, positive ones.

I now have in my arsenal a whole set of techniques for solving problems in life, which I have mastered not only theoretically, but also practically.

Thanks to my fellow students. When you see that such cool girls, side by side with you, are working to improve the quality of their lives, seriously, and at the same time, cheerfully and enthusiastically following recommendations and getting results - you are charged with this energy, and you understand that there is a lot too can.

My future plans are to practice the Practice of Forgiveness to the bitter end, to love myself deeply and hopelessly :). Practice tasks on self-knowledge and elimination of fears. Continue to work on increasing income and reprogramming, and continue to successfully study in the course “DAO: The Woman’s Path”.

Good luck to all of us! Maria.

"How I learn to love myself,
I instill good habits in myself,
and look at the world positively!"

Thanks to the course “How to Raise a Woman’s Self-Esteem”:
- I began to listen to myself more. I learned to catch negative thoughts in myself and switch to positive ones.
- I stopped criticizing and scolding myself - now I find a positive intention in any of my actions, which means I stop experiencing a senseless feeling of guilt.
- I myself am a source of joy, inspiration and positive emotions :)
- I began to compare myself less with others, to envy less. I realized that my life is interesting for me!
“I stopped worrying about what was happening around me and focused more on myself.
- By-effect: I have outlined for myself the direction in which I want to develop in the creative and intellectual spheres.

Now (in addition to the main tasks of the course) I plan to closely engage in Reprogramming, and then the Practice of Forgiveness, study some of the literature in order to return to the DAO course at a new level. I would not like to write about all the goals now, but I will share the results obtained!

Main conclusion:
You need to work on yourself! And work every day! To maintain the results obtained, and then increase them, you need to perform the practices daily.”

Marina.

We remind you that we have a NEW RECRUITMENT
at the online intensive "How to raise a woman's self-esteem!"
for female cadets DAO!

You have 3 more days to sign up for this group.

This is a 15-day online intensive, taking place in the format of group therapy, with me and our psychologist Olga Shevchenko, in a special closed group on VKontakte. You will have access to all materials and tasks of the group for 2 months! And at the end of the intensive course, each cadet receives individual advice on solving her problem!

18 comments

06.02.2018 13:09:21

Oksana, thank you for such an informative article! In the spring, I entered the DAO course and began to transform, at that moment my relationship with my friend began to get worse. I intuitively began to feel something was wrong and stopped talking about my hard work and successes and became more silent with her. And then one day she began to tell me that my jacket emphasized my large shoulders (even though I have an hourglass figure), began to ask why I didn’t tell her about my success, and then also asked why I did this I'm breathing hard! I replied that I was cold and we walked faster, the conversation didn’t go well. Only later did I realize that I was furious and was holding back with all my might so as not to answer rudely and yell at her. In the end, I still answered her sharply, but I still restrained myself a lot. And then my friend stopped communicating with me. I constantly thought about it in the style of “how dare she not communicate with ME.” I started working on the practice of forgiveness. I realized that initially our communication began when I was in the position of a victim. I asked her for help, she was always a helping, calming angel. And then I started reading your books, Oksana. I admit, there was a period when I was terribly infuriated by what was written there. This is how I was given an analysis of my behavior :) I read the books and started mailing, gradually I became more cheerful, more people began to communicate with me, unexpected gifts began to appear. I'm glad that I began to step out of the position of victim. And I’m glad that we no longer communicate with that friend, we can rarely say a few words to each other in a kind way, but I don’t want to be friends with her anymore, I feel good with myself. I felt guilty for answering her rudely, for offending her, but she helped me when it was very difficult for me. Your article showed me another side of our communication.
I worked on the episode of our quarrel on the practice of forgiveness, wrote letters, but still, when I remember this situation, I’m almost shaking with anger and because I think that I MUST apologize and be friends with her again, but I don’t I don’t want to, and since I don’t want to, then I’m bad, she did so much good to me, and I’m not grateful. I will re-read this article and work on it.
Thank you for writing about the environment. Now I will remind myself that I am not a victim of circumstances. Now I try to do this anyway, I don’t see those with whom I don’t want or I keep communication to a minimum, I started using the simpleton method, it somehow works out for me at the right time, and if my parents are watching TV, then I get things done quickly in this room and go to another room and sew a dress for myself, read. Thank you, Oksana, for such a useful article!

06.02.2018 14:05:54

Irina, you can ask your friend for forgiveness (even mentally, imagining this situation), or write a letter. And the feeling of guilt will go away, and new and interesting people will definitely come into your life.

06.02.2018 13:10:58

Girls, I also discovered one interesting trick!

I check a man for lice with a photo of Oksana D. (our trainer L.R.)
When I communicate with men, I sometimes show Oksana’s photo and ask what impression this girl makes on them. I say that the photos are from the Internet, I don’t know the girl, so they can tell the truth.

So, I’ve already noticed one trend: men who are easy-going, smart, kind, financial, usually speak admiringly (or at least neutrally) about Oksana. ...

But critics, lazy people, and domestic tyrants categorically do not like her in any photo! ...

Coincidence? --- I don't think!

Therefore, girls, let’s get rid of shyness and tightness, from our complexes URGENTLY (and without delaying until later)! We only attract bastards, goons, and domestic despots into our lives!

When I became a realtor, I automatically brushed aside all my unenviable suitors! They themselves shit their pants when they found out that I would have such a (communicative) profession!

So go ahead, allow yourself more, and you will be amazed how your surroundings begin to change!

06.02.2018 17:52:34

Thank you, Oksana, for the article) It’s very timely for me.. Just the other day there was a case when I realized that a “friend” is no longer my friend ((Although the friendship is long-standing.. but somehow all the “nasty” accumulated towards me.. I’m just one of those who don’t give back nasty things in return, but this harms me in the future, because the person doesn’t understand that he’s hurting my feelings..
Oksana, do you think true female friendship exists? And how can you attract such “real” ones into your life?)
Thank you))

07.02.2018 12:51:47

True female friendship lasts up to 5-8 years. Then the boys, the crushes, the rivalries begin.

There is no such idealized friendship. It's an illusion. There is mutual assistance, yes. There is cooperation and mutually beneficial interests (while we are looking for a husband, we go for a walk together; when we have children, we help each other look after them). But it is important to understand that this is a person of your gender. A mammal with a poorly organized brain, and as a result a rival.

In this case, there are no stupid illusions, and no one will ever betray you.

07.02.2018 05:54:59

I was once guilty of envy. Thank God, I realized that she is not beneficial to me, well, she is drawing energy from me! I prefer to take as allies those whom I envy: development occurs instantly and in the soul, getting rid of pride in real life.

07.02.2018 07:42:38

oh, I had exactly the same thing!
I was terribly jealous of one girl whom my ex loved before me.

But then I noticed how exhausting it was for me, and I decided to simply copy from her many things that make me envious of her (femininity, gentleness, ability to listen, ambition, self-love).

And indeed, I have become better. And the desire to envy and check her page a hundred times has disappeared.

08.02.2018 16:10:55

Hello, Girls and Oksana! Thanks for the article, it arrived just in time. In the morning, during a discussion in the gazebo about gifts, a parent wrote to me: “I think you’ve been playing too much and it’s time for you to go to kindergarten.” But I didn’t answer according to the simpleton’s method, and the whole day in the morning was ruined by my bad mood and the fact that I took it all to heart. It’s clear about strangers
But how should I respond in a common gazebo to her message to me using the simpleton method? Please tell me

01.05.2019 00:04:33

Good day!
Oksana, if that tyrant in the store pushed you and even talked rudely, as if you pushed her, and not she pushed you, what would you do? To what extent are you willing to endure insults and attacks and give candy in return?

By the way, I recently met a girl who behaved as you recommend in one of your books when describing a friend who did not know how to boil large ears of corn in a small saucepan, because... They didn't fit entirely. In a conversation with me, that girl also threw up her hands and exclaimed: “Oh, what should I do?” The answer was simple and obvious. And I, like a parrot, answered each exclamation with a smile with the same phrase “do this.” Apparently she wanted me to do it for her. I realized that she was not at all sincere and that she was a manipulator. I don't like this person.

11 chosen

There are myths and legends about female friendship... and most often negative ones. They say that it doesn’t exist in principle, that friends will always be rivals and all this friendship "until the first controversial man". Personally, I don’t believe in these stories and I think that strong and true relationship, which men will envy. But some girls seem to deliberately play the role of “bad friends,” trying to prove with their behavior the unreliability of female friendship. Let's look at these types and think about how to protect ourselves from them.

Man-I

“Svet, I have a problem. Two days ago we quarreled with Kolya, and he hasn’t called me since then... - I have a problem too! Two years ago, I had a better situation. You can’t imagine what Pasha did then!” This is a normal dialogue with such a friend. No matter what you talk about: about your work, about an interesting trip or personal problems, she will find how to turn the conversation to herself. She is not interested in listening, she is only interested in talking about herself. Therefore, you won’t get help, sympathy or even attention from her.

Is it possible to be friends?

In general, such relationships can exist, and there are many examples of this. The more modest friend chooses the role of listener, because she is really interested in what is happening in the life of her lively friend. But you cannot limit yourself to such relationships: after all, sooner or later you will also need a listener. You can try to talk frankly with your friend about the fact that you don’t like this "one gate play". Perhaps after this she will try to be more attentive. But in the end, she will still pull the blanket over herself - that’s her character.

Negative Man

When such a friend calls on the phone, you can tell what the conversation will be about without even picking up the phone. About what she has "everything is bad". Simply because everything is always bad for her. There are clouds in the sky, she is not appreciated at work, all the men around her are unworthy of her. You know her sad story by heart, but you cannot stop the flow of complaints. No, of course, all people have periods of blues or depression, but this friend is sad Eeyore, for whom such a period extends throughout his life.

Is it possible to be friends?

It is very difficult to change an eternal whiner. You can, of course, focus on the positive aspects during the conversation, and instead of pity, give your friend constructive advice on how to change the situation. But it is not a fact that this will give a lasting result. At the same time, being friends with a whiner is not easy: there is too much energy and Have a good mood have to spend on it. So, at a minimum, you should reduce your communication with such a friend. If you want to think positively yourself, it is better to surround yourself with positive people.

Owner man

There are people who consider friends their exclusive property and zone of influence. And they are not going to share this monopoly with anyone. Therefore, they are very jealous of you towards other friends or even your loved one. Jealousy is expressed in the fact that they interfere with joint meetings (“How are you going to bring THIS guy again? We were going to talk together!”) or they say nasty things about these people.

Is it possible to be friends?

Theoretically, yes, if you make sure that your friend does not intersect with other people from your social circle. And if he talks nasty things about your friends, it’s better to stop it abruptly. Personally, I have already had to say to similar comrades: “You can think whatever you want about my friends. But if you’re going to tell me about it, we won’t be able to communicate.” Their jealousy is their problem, you shouldn’t take it upon yourself.

Rival Man

The most unpleasant type of "girlfriend". She can innocently flirt with your boyfriend, “steals” your friends and tries to prove to everyone around her that she is more beautiful, smarter and more interesting than you. At the same time, he often resorts to rather vile methods: he says nasty things about you behind your back, finds a way to ridicule and prick you in front of your friends and loved one. And when trying to figure out the relationship, such a girl innocently bats her eyes: “Come on, it was just a joke.”

Is it possible to be friends?

If you want, you can even be friends with an alligator, another question is why. Relationships with a rival friend teach us to be on our guard all the time and take the blow. Only this is not friendship, but something completely different. And you quickly get tired of constant military action. So think carefully about whether you need it.

Judgment Man

“What a nightmare, why did you choose such a terrible dress! It doesn’t suit you at all! - Pauline, today is my wedding, can you not spoil my mood?” Of course, I’m exaggerating, but the point is this: this friend never likes what you do and say, how you look and cook. With maternal care, she tries to guide you on the right path. Moreover, she helps not with advice, but exclusively with criticism. Such a friend will never notice your successes, but will definitely point out your failures. Most likely, this is an unconscious behavior. Simply, by judging others, many people increase their own self-esteem at their expense.

Is it possible to be friends?

You can be friends, the main thing is not to let negative comments enter your head and heart. I know a woman who has been in contact with such a friend for several decades. She just understood everything a long time ago, so she doesn’t expect approval from her friend and lets all the caustic remarks fall on deaf ears. In any relationship, we give something and receive something, which means that this relationship is important to this person, even despite the shortcomings of the girlfriend.

Envy Man

A friend always listens with pleasure to your stories about troubles and feels sorry for you, but it’s better not to tell her about successes. In such cases, the girl gets upset for some reason, and may even abruptly break off: "How much can you brag?!" In fact, your friend is simply jealous, compares her life with yours and perceives your success as her own failure.

Is it possible to be friends?

The ideal match for such a girl is a negative person. One will complain all the time, and the other will assert itself at her expense. The problem is that in such relationships the most a positive person may sooner or later turn into a whiner. We often subconsciously adapt to the people with whom we communicate, and if we feel that it is better for this person to complain about their life, we do so. And in this way we launch negativity into our heads, and from there into our lives. In addition, an envious friend will dissuade you from new ideas and interesting endeavors: she is not interested in your success.

Accusation Man

Another unpleasant type of girlfriend is a girl who constantly makes you feel guilty. The reasons can be very different: you chose to go on a date rather than go shopping with her, you didn’t judge her ill-wishers, you didn’t help with work. In principle, pressure on feelings of guilt is a banal way of manipulation. In this way, a person tries to get his way from others.

Is it possible to be friends?

In my opinion, a relationship built on guilt is the worst option. They are capable of quarreling even close relatives. But we choose our friends ourselves. And few people would agree to play the role of the guilty one all their lives in front of their girlfriend.

Do you believe in female friendship? Have there been any friends in your life with whom, as they say, you don’t need enemies?

By the way...

And yet, female friendship is very valuable. And male friends cannot replace such relationships. With whom else should we discuss cosmetics, clothing, raising children and other purely feminine topics?

Every girl is surrounded by friends from early childhood and throughout her life. Each person chooses who to call with that big word “friend” - it could be the girl with whom she played with the same toys in kindergarten, sat at the same desk at school, or the one who was always there and supported in difficult life situations. And you probably have friends, or only one, whom you consider the best. But what if you consider her almost your sister, but she actually treats you completely differently? Or you no longer feel comfortable in her company and realize that you would never treat her the way she treats you. However, cutting people out of life is not easy for everyone, and sometimes not everything is so simple. It can be difficult to understand who is in front of you - a real or a false friend. Anyone can encounter such a special person. Just remember Katy Perry and Taylor Swift! " For a long time I couldn’t understand whether we were friends or not. During events, he came up to me and said some things, after which I could not understand - was it a compliment, or did she insult me?” – I couldn’t figure it out.

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Tey. Perhaps Bad Blood could have been avoided if Tay had read our material. We have collected 7 signs that will help you recognize that your friend is not at all who she says she is. There is definitely no place for such a person in your life.

She makes fun of you

A false friend constantly makes cruel jokes about you, reminds you of all your failures and does not hesitate to laugh at you when you are not at all laughing. Of course, humor is an important part of a relationship, and what could be better than laughing together. The main word here is together. If all this is unpleasant for you, you should tell her about it directly. Remembering how you fell into a puddle in the second grade and walked around all day in dirty tights, or how you accidentally shaved off your eyebrow in the eighth grade can really be fun if the two of you are sitting together in pajamas. It’s good if a friend quietly and privately tells you about the stain on your skirt, or honestly confirms that you’ve gained a couple of kilos. But it’s terrible if she does it in the company of not so close acquaintances, and even more so in front of a guy you like. In this case, the false friend has one single goal - to embarrass you, put you in an unsightly light in front of others, or simply humiliate you in order to assert herself at your expense. You can, of course, try to figure out the reasons for her behavior, blame everything on her complexes, etc., but maybe she’s not your friend at all?

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She's talking about you behind your back

Agree, it is incredibly unpleasant to learn from third parties about what was said to a friend in private. Or find out from someone her opinion about you or your actions, which is completely opposite to what was said to you. Unfortunately, this is a false friend.

She doesn't feel the need to keep your secrets because she probably doesn't think they're that important.

She is not ashamed to discuss you with mutual friends, blurt out your secrets, and she will not defend you if she suddenly hears a negative review about you; moreover, she will happily support such a conversation, because she knows more about you than anyone else, and she will definitely what to say.

She insults you

Girlfriends love to give each other funny nicknames, the meaning of which only they know. Sometimes there are couples in which mutual insults are simply a feature of communication. It's okay if you're happy with everything and you know that these are common jokes. But a false friend deliberately says hurtful words, knowing for sure that this will hurt you. She crosses the line by saying things like "yes, I'm not serious" and "yes, it's a joke." If you already perceive her words as insults, then first of all, look at yourself, aren’t you doing the same? Think about your words, maybe her aggression is a response to your behavior? In any case, reduce the number of your own jokes that may offend her, and of course, talk about what worries you. If this doesn't work, then you have a false friend.

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She devalues ​​your successes

For some reason she believes that you cannot achieve anything on your own. I received a “five” for my essay, and the question immediately arises: “Where did you download it?”; worked all summer to buy new phone, she asks: “Who gave it?”; performed at a school concert, and she suddenly: “You really screwed up the second part.” She sees only your shortcomings, never tires of reminding you of your mistakes and is unable to recognize your success. Friends, of course, are known in trouble, but they should also be able to sincerely rejoice. The main motive for this behavior is usually envy. If you are familiar with all of the above, your friend, alas, is not real.

She competes with you

It is important for her to always be better than you in everything. It doesn’t matter at all that she has been dancing for ten years, and you draw comics. A false friend cannot allow you to be more successful in anything than she is. For her, this is a kind of competition from which she must emerge victorious.

It doesn’t matter to her to win the competition, it’s important to her to beat you.

She doesn't want to be an excellent student, she wants to get grades higher than yours. She needs things more expensive and more beautiful than yours. Even she will only choose a guy who, in her eyes, will be better than yours. In such a situation, it is better not to succumb to provocations and not start a war, but simply continue to do what you like. You know what you have no equal in. Remember that winners focus on winning, losers focus on winners.

There is a girl named Masha in the same class with me. I've always treated her well. When problems started in her family, she tried to support her. Her classmates had hardly noticed her before, but I helped her make friends with everyone. One time I hid in the closet in the classroom and wanted to play a prank on her. As a result, I accidentally overheard the conversation. Masha told her friends all sorts of nasty things about me. It was very disappointing. I even had the urge to hit her. How to deal with this?

Ksyusha, 12 years old

It seemed to you that your classmate needed support, that she lacked attention. You tried to help, but she thought that you considered yourself better and more successful in some way. Maybe Masha was offended, but she didn’t show it?

By saying rude things about you, she tried to cope with her resentment. This is of course not The best way, but she didn’t find the courage to talk to you about her feelings. It was difficult for her to find words, just like it is for you now, because you are filled with anger. You write that you want to hit her. You can imagine this to reduce anger. But if you hit Masha for real, your resentment will not disappear, but her resentment will increase, and you will feel guilty. This is often even more difficult than dealing with resentment.

It's better to make up your mind and talk to her. Unexpressed anger can grow in the soul, leaving no room for good and kind feelings. Every person has both good and negative character traits, but we usually know little about shortcomings - it’s difficult to look at ourselves from the outside.

I think you need to tell each other how you feel (including what you don't like). For example: “Masha, when you say hurtful words about me, I feel betrayed. Maybe I also offended you somehow?” And then neither you nor Masha will have to crawl into the closet to hear what your classmates are saying about you.

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Alexandra Savina

Many of us are accustomed to believing that love is more important than friendship - and pop culture and public opinion only support this point of view. As a result, we know a lot about how we should be with a partner, but we rarely think that, for example, breaking up with a friend can be no less painful and that even the closest friend can turn out to be an abuser. We've collected a few signs that will help you understand that something is going wrong in your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and we've talked to girls who have experienced this first-hand.

Your friendship is a one-sided game

If everyone in your friendship is equal, but some are more equal than others, this is something to think about. Friendship implies that two people participate in it as equals and invest together in the relationship and its development: if one only takes, and the other gives his time and resources, without receiving anything in return, this balance collapses. Rita faced the same problem. (name changed at the request of the heroine. - Ed.): She quickly realized that her friendship with her classmate brought her more anxiety than joy.

Of course, in any friendship there are times when one needs more support than the other. But if you see that your friend does not care at all about your interests, feelings, desires and problems, and the relationship is built only in a way that is convenient for him or her, it’s time to take action.

You are required to provide emotional service

This point naturally follows from the previous one. People who are not interested in the problems and desires of others may behave self-centeredly and demand that friends solve their problems without giving anything in return. Of course, support is an important element of any close relationship, but you should not (and cannot) replace your friend with a therapist.

Hope says that in any difficult situation she became a “vest” for her friend - although she listened to her in response. According to the girl, her friend did not know how to put herself in the place of another and did not understand that her friend might find something unpleasant in her behavior. Nadezhda says that once an unforeseen situation occurred in her friend’s life and she took off from work to help: “I agreed with the right people and made sure that the problem could be solved that same day, in the evening. She set a time, and half an hour before, she wrote that she was going for a manicure and would be delayed for two hours. As a result, she didn’t come at all that evening, and the solution to the problem was postponed until the next morning.” According to Nadezhda, then she realized that her friend did not need her help and did not appreciate her efforts. After this incident they stopped communicating.

Your friend is gossiping

We all know that gossiping is bad - but we probably know someone who doesn’t see it as a big problem, or we even do it ourselves. The habit of talking about other people behind their back is toxic - especially if you notice that your boyfriend or girlfriend does it all the time. “[A person who gossips] has low self-esteem and focuses on other people's negative traits,” says relationship coach Julie Ward. “He wants to feel better by talking about other people’s problems.”

Pauline (name changed at the request of the heroine. - Ed.) says that she ex-girlfriend regularly gossiped about friends. “Every time she quarreled with one of her friends, she told the others how badly this person was behaving,” says Polina. “Then after some time she made peace with the person and continued to communicate as if nothing had happened.” For some time, Polina supported these conversations - it seemed to her that her friend simply needed support - but later she noticed that the situation was repeated over and over again. “It all ended quite prosaically: my close friend quarreled with her, and I decided to stop communicating too. The fact that she constantly discussed others (and, as it turned out, me too - when I did not behave the way she would have liked) played an important role in this,” she says.

Your friend is not happy about your success

Being together in sorrow and in joy is important not only in romantic, but also in friendly relations- but this does not always work out. “When a friend is jealous of you—either openly or secretly—you'll notice that they don't rejoice in your successes and that they much rather enjoy consoling you after failures,” says relationship expert and author April Masini. “It has to do with his self-esteem and sense of self.”

Rita says that it was difficult for her to talk with her friend not only about difficulties, but also about her own successes: “When I told her about something joyful that happened to me infrequently, she began to lament: “You see, everything is fine with you.” in life, but I don’t have a boyfriend even a quarter with two B’s.” It was turning into absurdity." If your friend perceives your relationship as a competition or believes that your successes overshadow their own, it is worth considering the nature of your friendship.

Your friend is jealous of you

As we age, it becomes more difficult for us to spend as much time with friends as before: work, family, study, relationships and other matters can take up a lot of energy. But while some friends take this situation calmly and try to enjoy the time you get to spend together, others find it painful - and may even be offended if they find out that you were seeing someone else instead of spending your free hours on him . If a friend is offended by you because you communicate with other people or have your own plans in which he is not involved, this is not a very good sign.

Olga says that a similar thing happened to her school friend: towards the end of university they began to spend less time together. “When we talked a lot, I didn’t notice this, and then it became more obvious: she began to make claims that I was not paying her enough attention, that I went where I wanted, and not where my friend wanted,” she says. “She started reprimanding me for not paying attention to her problems, for not constantly solving them, stuff like that.” At some point, Olga realized that all her conversations with her friend boiled down to listening to complaints, and decided that she didn’t need it: “I just stopped communicating with her, and after some time I started receiving text messages like, ‘I found someone -that's conscience. Did you accidentally lose it?’” According to Olga, later her friend realized that she was behaving incorrectly and tried to change tactics.

You are being manipulated

Psychological violence can occur not only in partnerships, but also in any other relationships, including friendly ones. If you feel that a person is using you to achieve his goals, trying to force you to do something that is beneficial to him and that you do not want to do, this is a wake-up call.

Anna tells how her friend tried to manipulate her: she put pressure on her, made her feel guilty, tried to prove that the girl was obliged to do what she didn’t want. “I’ll be honest: it directly affected my depressed state, I really felt guilty,” she says. - As a result, with the growth of my awareness and confidence, I realized that I was sacrificing too much, almost constantly, that this relationship was a burden for me and that I was simply being used. The gap was “dirty” and noisy. My friend tried to attract everyone to my “vile” act (I dared to leave her and refuse her another request, saying at the same time that our friendship was over). Scandalous, called my young man and with insults, she demanded that I immediately apologize and do what she wants.”

You only communicate when a friend needs something from you.

IN English language There is an expression “convenience friend” - this is the name of a person with whom another person communicates only when he needs something. If you feel that you are constantly helping a friend with his problems and affairs, supporting him when he needs help, but when you need help, you do not receive anything in return - this is a reason for a serious conversation.

“She easily canceled plans when I was already putting on my shoes on the threshold of the apartment. It was easy to linger at a manicure to chat with the manicurist when I had already ordered pizza and was waiting for it,” says Nadezhda. - One of the saddest moments was that she did not trust me with some personal information, changed the topic and ignored the question, and then it turned out that three other friends knew about it. It would seem: oh well! But at the same time she called me hers best friend. Perhaps she was lying."

Friendship brings stress instead of joy

Ideally, friendship is a healthy relationship that brings you positive emotions and impressions: if one of the components is missing, it’s worth at least talking about the problem. Friendships should help each of you become better people: if you feel like you're bringing out qualities in each other that you don't like or destructive habits, it's time to reconsider the relationship, even if you're having incredible fun together.

“Everyone has toxic friends,” says Lydia. - Often these are old school friends or former colleagues. People with whom we maintain contact rather out of politeness and good memory, but who, unfortunately, do not saturate us with energy, and more often, on the contrary, take it away. We postpone the meeting until the last moment, and when we still have to do it, we come, listen, try to answer cheerfully and politely, until at some point we feel like breaking down, cutting the person off mid-sentence, or rudely answering a completely inappropriate and strange question.” . Friendships don't have to be stressful and worrying: If you don't feel comfortable even thinking about meeting your friend, is the relationship really what you want?