The child said that they beat him at home. Why does a mother beat her child? A bad example is contagious
Child's age: 5 years
The son complains that he is beaten in kindergarten
Hello! My son is 5 years old. She has been going to kindergarten for a long time, since she was 2.5 years old. And lately my son refuses to go there, saying that they beat him there (he always calls the same names of two boys). Please tell me how to behave: and with my son, so as not to offend him, not to lose contact (I’m at a loss now, I don’t know how to teach him to react correctly, I say that everything will be fine, maybe he got into a “bad” mood, he’s been in a “bad” mood for several days) is silent, and then cries again, doesn’t want to go. I can’t even psychologically teach him how to pass, because the child won’t understand me))) I feel like he can’t do it himself... Or go to teachers and parents so that they was this resolved too? But what to offer? Please guide me on how to structure a conversation correctly so that it has the greatest impact... Yegor himself never complains to the teachers and doesn’t cry in front of the brawlers in kindergarten, he takes everything home. (The last time the teacher didn’t see how the boy bit him on the cheek, only dad noticed when he came to pick him up. The teacher threw up her hands: “but he didn’t roar, so I don’t know anything.” Sorry that there’s so much in the pile.. .I wanted to describe the exciting problem to the maximum. Thank you!
Lily
Dear Lily! Be that as it may, it is necessary to talk with kindergarten teachers about the fact that, to put it mildly, ugly events are happening in the group. And right now is the most favorable time to “turn” this situation in the right direction. The fact is that in preschool age there is an intensive development of the child’s moral sphere, his understanding of good and evil is formed. Therefore, adults need to competently respond to manifestations of aggression and hostility of children towards each other. Contact the teacher of the group your son attends with a proposal to observe the relationships between him and other children. Try to approach them not from the position of a complainer, but from the position of an ally - after a while the child will go to school and you want him to be able to build competent communication with his peers. Of course, teaching a child to fight back is most often perceived by parents as unwanted educational advice. But if you look at the situation differently, every person should be able to defend their position. And sometimes you have to use force - moral, material or physical. Tell your son about this in a language he understands: “It’s great that you don’t complain to the teachers about the kids who offend you. But this may make them think that they can offend others with impunity. Try to firmly and calmly tell the offenders that you don’t want to play with them while they behave this way.” Choose the most convenient phrase for the child for the offenders. Let him exercise his confidence in your presence.
Live and let others live,
But not at the expense of another;
Always be happy with yours
Don't touch anything else:
Here is the rule, the path is straight
For the happiness of each and everyone.
G.R. Derzhavin
"For the birth of Queen Gremislava. L. A. Naryshkin" (1798)
A little girl recently learned to walk and is walking with her mother. She carefully moves her feet and goes where they take her. Mom watches her daughter vigilantly and, if she has moved a considerable distance away from her, she catches up with the baby, picks her up and says, “You can’t go far from mom!” without anger, but sensitively slaps her bottom until the girl begins to whimper. Are you familiar with this picture?
It is impossible to talk about any physical impact on a child by his parents in isolation from the temperament, mental state and general health of both the parent and the child himself. However, in isolation from the general cultural level of the family. What is absolutely unacceptable for some people is ordinary, harmless and non-offensive manifestations for others. Therefore, when someone says that it is forbidden to beat children or, conversely, “no one has ever died from a slap on the ass,” these are just empty slogans, divorced from life, from specific people and the circumstances of their lives.
How and why should you not beat children? From what spanking, under what circumstances did no one die? Various clarifications and additions to these slogans can sometimes radically change and transform the idea they convey. You can’t beat children, but is it possible to crush them morally, humiliate them and insult them with words? A slap on the butt of a six-year-old boy given in public by his father will not physically kill the child. But it can kill any trust in a child’s father for the rest of his life.
In this article, by the word “beat” we do not mean beating a child to the point of unconsciousness, intentionally injuring him, or any kind of violence associated with the pathological condition of an adult. Why this happens is a topic for another discussion.
How to divide physical manifestations towards a child into spontaneous, impulsive and conscious, based on some methodology and rules or simply the tyranny of an adult? Many mothers tell their friends: “We don’t hit our children.” But can each of these mothers swear that, for example, on some rainy day she didn’t kick her child in the ass, screaming in a wild voice for an unknown reason, when the two of them were trundling along tiredly with bags from some shopping trip? Is it possible to separate where the “beating the child” begins and the mother’s “I just can’t stand it anymore”?
Regarding the physical influence on a child by his parents and relatives, there are several opposing opinions of the parents themselves. Each brings his own arguments, which are based mainly on personal experience acquired at a time when this parent himself was small and defenseless. It’s good that many adults remember their childhood and analyze their parents’ upbringing methods. Conventionally, these people can be divided into several categories:
- parents who themselves were never touched, humiliated or insulted in childhood, and everything was resolved through negotiations or persuasion;
- parents who were not beaten or beaten lightly in childhood, but their children were morally humiliated, insulted, and they sought something from the child by instilling in him a sense of guilt and shame;
- parents who in childhood received slaps and slaps, but only for real offenses, and the child agreed with this, while adults did not humiliate or insult him;
- parents who had a difficult childhood and who were beaten (hard and painfully and even with a belt), and humiliated, and punished for any reason.
It is easy to guess which of these categories of parents will be categorically against physical force, and which will believe that there is nothing wrong with a slap on the head for a child. The unacceptability of physical punishment arises when it is identified with humiliation, insult, or guilt.
There is nothing terrible in the physical impact itself (if it is not beating, of course). Life cannot be made refined and completely safe. Each of us faces (some less often, some more often) various physical impacts between people, ranging from friendly shoving or wrestling, ending with self-defense or defense of one’s dignity. Anything can happen in life, and it is impossible to isolate and completely exclude physical manifestations, including in the parent-child relationship. No matter how much mothers discuss the topic “is it possible to physically punish your child” on forums, there will always be ardent opponents and equally ardent supporters of physical punishment, and no one will convince each other of their truth. And all only because both have diametrically opposed experiences and understandings of what physical influence and punishment are. For some, it is identified with humiliation of the child, while others perceive physical impact simply as a parent’s protest against the child’s behavior. And if an adult is conscious and thoughtful about his relationship with his child, then he will strive to save him from the negative experience that he himself once experienced in childhood. Or the parent may not even ask himself how to behave with the child; he simply accepts the model of relationships that he saw in his own parents towards him.
The most controversial category is those of parents who were beaten very badly in childhood, who lived in destructive families, which left a heavy imprint on their personality. Those who were able to rise above the oppression in which they lived as children and overcome the chaos in their souls sown by their own parents will find a clear answer to the question “to hit or not to hit.” They won’t even lay a finger on their child. Those who could not overcome this relationship model will create its exact copy.
Often mothers spank their child or slap him on the head precisely as an addition to pointing and edifying words. To consolidate, so to speak. Thus, they are trying to develop a conditioned reflex in the child. If the mother said that you can’t go far, then if the ban is ignored, the child will be hurt. And in the future, as the mother thinks, the child will have a strong association: “it’s impossible” - “it hurts.” This is a pedagogical mistake. It is possible to develop such a conditioned reflex in a child only for a while. A child is not an animal; he needs to be taught, not trained. And it is necessary to help him adapt to the surrounding space. Moreover, the reflexes and temperament inherent in a child by nature have a much stronger influence on his behavior than the conditioned reflexes that parents try to instill in him.
If a mother does not want to give up the tactics of developing conditioned reflexes in her child, over time she will have to increase the dose of physical punishment or supplement it with moral influence (humiliate, frighten, oppress). Will the mother get any acceptable result in changing her child’s behavior from such a struggle? But her child will certainly receive numerous mental traumas and complexes.
Mother often verbally declares that she never beats and will never beat her little blood. But it so happens that all good intentions fly away like smoke when a mother, in a fit of anger, from fatigue, irritation or any other negative emotions, is unable to resist physically influencing her child. Having come to her senses, she begins to feel guilty about the baby. After all, she knows how her baby feels; she herself may have once experienced all this herself. Thus, in such scenes, unconscious attitudes laid down in childhood are realized. After all, mother understands everything with her mind, but still acts, just as her parents did with her.
It’s good if a mother who wants to change her current relationship scenario with her child realizes that often her good intentions and decisions to keep herself within certain limits in critical situations do not always help. It is the tracking of such frequently repeated episodes that can help the mother move from automatic (unconscious) reactions to those manifestations that the mother wants to express in the presence of the child. However, it is also worth considering that it is impossible for a long time to suppress the anger, rage, and irritability that every parent experiences from time to time towards their child. Such an internal ban on negative emotions can lead to both somatic diseases (migraines, chronic fatigue, etc.) and lead to sudden, seemingly groundless outbursts of rage and anger with varying degrees of destructive consequences. The child will perceive this as a deep injustice towards him. Therefore, a mother should not suppress her anger and desire to hit her child, but realize and recognize her right to do so. And it’s up to her to decide whether to hit or not, depending on the situation. It would be better, of course, if she chooses “not to hit.” There are many ways to transform aggression and destructive energy into something more creative. For example, a mother understands that she wants to hit her child for something. You can speak out loud about your condition and your desires. Or you can, for example, wash the dishes, iron the laundry, or anything else of her choice. Some mothers may object: “How am I going to wash the dishes when everything is bubbling and raging inside me because this tomboy is doing this?” In this case, you can break a couple of plates and wash the remaining ones. And healthy humor, and the awareness that there are no ideal children and no ideal parents, will help find a way out for any destructive energy.
Also, every parent should understand that his own life filled with positivity, creativity, joy and development will destroy any negativity within the family in general, and in relationships with the child in particular.
An acute desire to hit your own child can often be regarded as a symptom of an internal psychological or emotional disorder and trouble in the person himself.
For a child, a family is a small model of the society in which he will someday have to live independently. Family relationships are a kind of simulator for a child. The family can teach him that if someone offends you, makes you angry or deliberately irritates you, then you can (as a last measure of defense!) hit your offender. There are families where children do not dare to defend themselves from attacks from adults and older children. And then they cannot fight back against offenders in kindergarten or school. The child becomes a potential target for ridicule and insults. And in a critical situation outside the family, the child finds himself completely defenseless against violence. Those. motto: "You can't hit children!" elevated to an absolute, it can do a disservice in developing methods of self-defense in the child himself.
On the other hand, if parents allow themselves to show some form of force in relation to the child, then they should not be offended and take seriously if the child hits her in response to a slap on the head of the mother. In this way he protects his dignity and, therefore, will be able to defend it in communication with other people.
The most effective way to get away from forceful interaction with your child is to transfer the relationship from the position of “adult-junior”, “educator-student” to the position of friendship and cooperation. This is a difficult path that requires the participation of all family members. But parents following this path are unlikely to raise their hand against their little friend who is being overpowered. And if she gets up, the child will definitely forgive and understand that the mother is very tired and is also upset about something. Anything can happen in life...
Discussion
I sometimes spank a child, but without anger, more to get through to him when he doesn’t want to hear.
In connection with the topic of this article, I remembered one episode from Carlos Castaneda’s book “Journey to Ixtlan”.
I will give it here in full. Another look, as they say...
"Don Juan and I were just sitting and talking about this and that, and I told him about one of my friends who was having serious problems with his nine-year-old son. The boy had lived with his mother for the last four years, and then his father took him in and immediately But I was faced with the question: what to do with the child? According to my friend, he could not study at school at all, because nothing interested him, and, in addition, the boy had absolutely no ability to concentrate. The child often got irritated for no apparent reason, behaved aggressively and even tried to run away from home several times.
“Yes, there really is a problem,” don Juan grinned.
I wanted to tell him something more about the child’s “tricks,” but don Juan cut me off.
Enough. It is not for us to judge his actions. Poor baby!
This was said quite sharply and firmly. But then don Juan smiled.
But what should my friend do? - I asked.
The worst thing he can do is force the child to agree, don Juan said.
What do you mean?
The father should under no circumstances scold or spank the boy when he does not do what is expected of him or behaves badly.
Yes, but if you don’t show firmness, how can you teach a child anything?
Let your friend arrange for the child to be spanked by someone else.
Don Juan's proposal surprised me.
But he won’t let anyone even lay a finger on him!
He definitely liked my reaction. He grinned and said:
Your friend is not a warrior. If he were a warrior, he would know that in relations with human beings nothing can be worse and more useless than direct confrontation.
What does a warrior do in such cases, don Juan?
The warrior acts strategically.
I still don't understand what you mean by this.
Here's the thing: if your friend was a warrior, he would help his son stop the world.
How?
To do this he would need personal strength. He must be a magician.
But he's not a magician.
In this case, it is necessary for the picture of the world to which the boy is accustomed to change. And he can be helped with this by ordinary means. This is not yet stopping the world, but they will probably work no worse.
I asked for an explanation. Don Juan said:
If I were your friend, I'd hire someone to spank the kid. I would search the slums thoroughly and find there a man of the most terrible appearance possible.
To scare the baby?
You are stupid, just scaring in this case is not enough. The child must be stopped, but the father will achieve nothing if he scolds or beats him. To stop a person, you need to press hard on him. However, you yourself need to remain out of visible connection with the factors and circumstances directly related to this pressure. Only then can the pressure be controlled.
The idea seemed ridiculous to me, but there was something in it.
Don Juan sat with his left arm resting on the box and resting his chin on his palm. His eyes were closed, but his eyeballs moved under his eyelids, as if he was still looking at me. I felt uneasy and I said:
Maybe you can explain in more detail what to do to my friend?
Let him go into the slums and find the worst bastard, only younger and stronger.
Don Juan then laid out a rather strange plan for my friend to follow. It is necessary to make sure that during the next walk with the child, the hired person follows them or waits for them at the appointed place.
At the first misdemeanor of his son, the father will give a sign, the tramp will jump out of ambush, grab the boy and give him a good beating.
And then let the father calm the boy down as best he can and help him come to his senses. I think three or four times will be enough to dramatically change the boy’s attitude towards everything that surrounds him. The picture of the world will become different for him.
Won't being scared hurt him? Won't it cripple your psyche?
Being scared doesn't hurt anyone. If there is anything that cripples our spirit, it is constant nagging, slaps in the face and instructions on what to do and what not to do.
When the boy becomes sufficiently controllable, you will tell your friend one last thing; let him find a way to show his son the dead child. Somewhere in a hospital or morgue. And let the boy touch the corpse. With your left hand, anywhere except your stomach. After this, he will become a different person and will never be able to perceive the world in the same way as before.
And then I realized that all these years don Juan had been using similar tactics against me. On a different scale, under different circumstances, but with the same principle at its core. I asked if this was true, and he confirmed, saying that from the very beginning he tried to teach me to “stop the world.”
01/25/2011 23:32:11, reader.ruComment on the article "Why does a mother beat her child?"
Vasya’s mom is a great guy, she believes that he never hits first, i.e. other children are to blame for provoking him, and the only problem is that he cannot adequately calculate the strength of the submission. Why don’t you personally talk to the teacher and clarify the details one-on-one?
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I was beaten a lot as a child, especially by my mother. And I have such a strong desire not to be like her, not to make my children the same. Why is no one indignant that hitting a child is bad, especially since it doesn’t fit in my head - IN THE FACE!!!???
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If yours, why are they fighting? And his own irritation was removed and the child thought and... dad, as they say, was kidding. And my IMHO is that you shouldn’t be allowed to beat your mother. Under any pretext. distract, punish if nothing helps.
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There are quite a few mothers who ponder such questions while sitting in front of an incredulous teacher. On forums and in various parent groups, it is increasingly discussed that children from quite prosperous families often lie to strangers, that their parents severely beat them at home. Sometimes even perversely cruel - with sticks, rolling pins, radiator pipes. Or they even break their arms and legs. Just yesterday my leg was broken and I had to put it in a cast. Where's the plaster? It's already been filmed!
Why is this happening?
Children can come up with anything and about anyone, says psychologist Maria Chibisova. – This is due to the active development of imagination, mastering role-playing games. And even before a certain age, children simply do not have a sufficiently clear boundary between internal reality, which includes their own impressions, thoughts, fantasies, images, and between external reality, that is, the events that actually occur.
Natalya Khramtsova, child and family psychologist, gestalt therapist believes that from about 5-6 years old, children's lies can already become deliberate. Children resort to deception to avoid punishment, to attract attention, and to remain good in the eyes of loved ones or friends. A child may lie, imitating his parents, if he often observes that adults themselves resort to lies.
Pavel Taruntaev, psychologist of the network of private kindergartens “Interesting Kindergarten” adds that such fantasies can also be a way to attract attention. Any adult will not remain indifferent after hearing such statements. Manipulation is also possible - the desire to achieve something specific from a teacher or from parents.
“Once,” says Pavel, “I myself heard how a boy, who was being persuaded to eat soup for lunch, said to the teacher: “They beat me at home anyway, have pity on me.” This story ultimately turned out to be untrue, that is, the child was trying to manipulate. A child who is offended by his parents can also speak about domestic violence. This can be a kind of “revenge”: “Look how bad my parents are! They offend me! Scold them!” In addition, the accumulated resentment towards parents in a variety of situations can take on a very specific form in the child’s fantasies - and result in a story that he is being “beaten”. Negative emotions are thus processed through forms that are easily understood by the child.
How to talk to a child?
Finding themselves in a situation of confusion and misunderstanding, parents often do not know who to turn to for help. They either talk to the child based on intuition and their feelings, or scold him for doing this to them. They threaten me with an orphanage where they will take me under guardianship because of lies. They accuse the child of betrayal, of not knowing what he is saying, and now the family may have problems because of him - the mother will be scolded or put in prison. For a small child this is an overwhelming responsibility. Psychologists advise not to forget that you are not communicating with an adult equal to you, but with a child who sees the situation completely differently, and certainly cannot bear the same responsibility for his fantasies as an adult.
“If the child himself admitted to deception, thank him for his courage, discuss what the consequences could be,” advises Natalya Khramtsova. – If the child does not confess, do not interrogate him, do not shame him, do not blame him. You can tell your child a fairy tale or story about what a lie leads to, how it upsets loved ones and destroys trust. The plots of these fairy tales can be easily played out with the help of dolls and pictures drawn for them.
If the child is older and knows more about the world around him, it is important to tell him that the consequence of the current situation may indeed be the intervention of guardianship - says Maria Chibisova - This is part of reality that the child must know and take into account. It is important not to blame the child, but to explain. If the conversation develops openly and the parent does not attack the child, most often, this is enough for the child to understand exactly what he was wrong about - and sincerely repent.”
But the most important result of the conversation for the parent should not be obtaining repentance from the child, but identifying the reason that led to such an invention. Did the child do this because he was offended by his parents? Or is he lacking attention?
Is it the parents' fault?
Natalya Khramtsova advises analyzing whether you allow your child to make mistakes, to be wrong, to have his own opinion. Since this can also be the reason for such deception.
Pavel Taruntaev believes that when a child says something like this, it is a symptom of a certain dysfunction in the child-parent relationship. Not the stigma of “bad parents,” but a reason to think about your relationship with your child and the environment that surrounds him at home.
Parents often believe that if they do not beat a child, then the child is to blame for lying, and there is no demand from him, an adult. Sometimes they even express dissatisfaction that the educator or teacher generally reacts to children's fantasies.
According to Dima Zitser, teacher, founder of the Institute of Non-Formal Education and the Orange non-formal education school, a child’s fantasies about being beaten are a signal that he has a serious problem at home. Even if adults do not beat him, but generally yell at him or at each other and seem to be on the battlefield all the time, this affects the child. Such parents are essentially indifferent to the child - and he tries to attract attention to himself in an accessible way.
Who will discuss the situation with the child and how?
If a child in kindergarten says that he is being beaten at home, the first person who should talk to him is the teacher himself. In a confidential environment, one on one. To not only help and support him, but also to clarify what exactly happened, how, and whether what the child is talking about really happened. Even if during the conversation it becomes obvious that the child is fantasizing, the teacher must still try to understand the reasons for such fantasies and has no right to criticize the child.
In fact, it doesn’t matter, explains Dima Zitser, whether the child is deceiving or not, it is obvious that he comes for help. If a teacher starts by accusing him of lying, then he moves from a teacher to the position of an investigator, and quitting is the best thing such a teacher can do. The profession of an educator or teacher implies the need to remain on the side of the child, no matter what happens.”
Why must the teacher respond to every signal?
It happens that a child laughingly talks about his broken leg yesterday, from which the cast has already been miraculously removed, and brags about his imaginary suffering. But many situations also arise in which the suffering is not at all imaginary, but the child’s family is so high-status and wealthy that educators do not attach importance to the child’s complaints. It is believed that child abuse comes from parents who are alcoholics and drug addicts living below the poverty line. At the same time, sometimes sadism and violence flourish in families that outwardly seem almost ideal, and Instagram and other personal blogs show a high level of income, social activity and even participation in charitable events of their owners. And yet, helping those in need does not stop benefactors from beating their own child with a belt, pouring soup on them, driving them out into the cold without clothes, constantly calling them worthless and hitting them over the head with a book for a bad grade.
In addition, many parents, unfortunately, still differentiate physical violence into acceptable and unacceptable. “I don’t hit him, I just slapped him on the butt or arm a couple of times. He doesn’t understand any other way,” such mothers say. But modern psychologists have a fairly firm and tough position on this matter.
Any intentional use of physical force by a parent against a child is physical abuse. – says Natalya Khramtsova – Deliberate infliction of physical pain – beating.
The child has nothing to compare with how he is raised in the family. He does not have the experience to analyze the situation and understand that his treatment is not normal. At the same time, even small children intuitively feel when something is wrong in their family. But they quickly learn that complaining makes it even worse, because dad gets inflamed from their crying and hits even harder. Mom herself is afraid of dad’s anger, leaves the room and then denies the fact of the beating - “Dad didn’t beat you, he just scolded you for your business, you need to listen to dad, go apologize.” The grandmother says: “Well, what’s wrong, they beat me, but I grew up to be a man.” And attempts to complain to strangers lead to the fact that these adults believe not the child, but the father, who smells of expensive perfume and convinces with a whitewashed Hollywood smile that “this is a fantasy,” and then deals with the child “for denunciation,” for daring complain. In addition to physical violence, such children also suffer from moral violence.
And it is very important for educators not to miss such calls, to take the child’s side, to hear whether there is at least a drop of truth in the complaint and to encourage parents to have a constructive dialogue.
The vigilance of educators saves lives!
If you don’t hit a child, and you perceive a call to the school psychologist as an unreasonable invasion of privacy over trifles, Google the statistics. 78% of children experience domestic violence. And these 78% do not live outside your city, but are evenly distributed along the same streets that you and your children walk along. In your immediate circle, whether you want to believe it or not, there are people whose children beg in the evenings “Mommy, don’t hit me.” These people are next to you, no matter whether you live in Siberia, the suburbs of St. Petersburg or on Malaya Bronnaya in Moscow. You can ignore this reality if you find it difficult to live with. But educators do not have the right to do this. If you undeservedly find yourself in the zone of suspicion, do not be indignant. Try to understand that the teachers are not blaming or threatening you, they are trying to understand whether the child needs help. This is their job. More precisely, this is the work of the best of them, because the worst thing in life is indifference. As we know, it is with his tacit consent that all the evil in the world happens.
Conversation between parents and teacher
– If a child says in kindergarten or school that he is being beaten at home, then with a probability of 99% the parents will be called to a conversation with the head or psychologist. – Pavel explains. – If there really is no violence in the family, then there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Children's educational institutions should have competent specialists who understand child psychology. Therefore, there is nothing better than a frank working dialogue. The main thing is to have the right attitude towards what is happening. People working in the field of education must represent the interests of the child. And if there is any reason to think that the child’s rights are being violated, it is their direct responsibility to check this and help resolve the problematic situation.
Maybe give me a real beating?
Recently, mothers and fathers are increasingly looking for support on the Internet. In different groups, well-wishers write to parents who complain about this problem that such liars need to be “whipped” with a belt so that they understand the difference once and for all. They say that children who are really beaten with a stick are valued and loved by their parents. And those who fantasize are spoiled scoundrels who need to be “taught” and “knocked the crap out of them.” Let their complaints stop being lies, then they will begin to appreciate their parents.
This is a fundamentally wrong opinion. Children who, as it seems from the outside, “love more” their alcoholic and rapist parents, actually have not love, but addiction. That is, a trauma with which they will go to psychologists’ offices for years when they grow up.
– Prosperous children have much less fear, so they are freer to express feelings, emotions, and fantasies. – comments on the situation Withspecialist of the education department on prevention issues, member of the KDN, member of the PMPC, Olesya Rtishcheva. “Children who suffer violence behave differently, but in general, most victims are ashamed of their misfortune and are constrained by fear.
Indeed, the guardianship authorities know quiet, gloomy children who, with suspicious regularity, “fall down the stairs,” “accidentally hit themselves on the door,” and are constantly bruised. Often, children who encounter parental cruelty not in fantasy, but in everyday life, try to hide the violence, assure others that their mom and dad are good, and not show off their bruises at all. Such children grow up too early, they are afraid to admit the violence committed against them, and it is even more terrible to be left without parents, no matter how monsters they are. And no matter how young the children are, they understand that their parents are closer to deprivation of parental rights than others, so they cover for them, unlike children for whom “Dad beat me” is just a funny joke that you want to embellish even stronger. So the “love” of a child for alcoholics and rapists and the fact that such children “value” their parents more than the “spoiled” children of normal parents is a myth.
Beatings will never help the birth of love and respect - comments Natalya Khramtsova - A physical threat can only create fear. This is the reaction of any biological organism to a threat to life. Children are highly dependent on their parents; they understand that they will not survive without a family. Therefore, beatings and threats may for some time lead to the fact that the child will not openly express protests and disagreement, but this will not be associated with love, but with fear. The pain and humiliation experienced by a child who has been subjected to violence accumulates, gives rise to aggression, and can lead to a desire for revenge.”
Children who are closer to the possible loss of their parents have a higher fear of losing them. It is important to understand that love for parents, whatever they are, is the first and most important feeling in the life of every child. First it is a survival instinct - and then a strong feeling of attachment. It may seem that children are testing their patience, getting on their nerves, and showing no empathy for mom and dad at all - but fundamentally, they idolize their parents. And it’s the parents who need to go to a psychologist with any set of children’s whims.
In addition, by showing real violence, parents also have a real chance of getting problems with the guardianship authorities, which many parents in Russia have recently become afraid of.
Is guardianship as terrible as it is made out to be?
Any interference from social service workers is perceived as a threat. Some parents are afraid to take their children to emergency rooms, because there they will have to prove the origin of the injury, others are afraid that the child may be taken away on the first denunciation.
Of course, no one likes the interference of strangers in family life. If you don’t hit children, don’t spank them, and don’t give them “just some kind of slap on the head,” then you have nothing to be afraid of at all.
Fears and speculation often tear parents apart, whose conscience is not only not clear, but, let’s say, not 100% clear. Many adults themselves grew up in an environment of, if not physical, then moral violence, and sometimes they take it out on children automatically, just as they took it out on themselves. The problems in such families are not due to the cruelty of adults, but because they do not have an example of adequate upbringing in their own childhood, or any accessible school of parenting. These are precisely those parents who believe that giving a belt once is not a beating, and in general, an orphanage is better, where children generally go hungry. Such parents feel that guardians may have questions about their parenting methods. And the approach in which “the child is mine, I wanted it - I beat it, I wanted it - I regretted it” will not meet with support.
– In cases where physical violence in the family does occur, families really need help! – says Maria Chibisova – Parents who beat their children fail to cope with their parental responsibilities and tasks. Often mothers of young children who hit them may be depressed. But also, due to their own upbringing, parents may also be of the opinion that beating a child, “beating the crap out of him” is a “way of education”, “they beat me, it’s okay, I grew up to be a good person!” Underneath this position most often lie psychological problems that parents are not aware of. It is important to help such families renounce violence, change their views and learn other forms of relationships and raising children. This is possible with the help of psychotherapy.
Adults with this approach to education need to go to a psychotherapist and deal with the traumas of their own childhood in order to break the chain of violence that is passed down from generation to generation in their family. And if such parents find the courage to treat guardianship representatives not as enemies, but as people who help figure out what is best for the child, the result of communication can be positive for everyone.
How to communicate with guardianship representatives?
You should talk calmly with representatives of ANY authorities, having first clarified your rights. – says Olesya Rtishcheva – Today, everything related to the topic of social orphanhood and the work of the prevention system is shrouded in myths. Who benefits from these myths and why remains to be understood, but the most popular of them have become very firmly entrenched in the public consciousness. It is believed that guardianship representatives can break into any family and take away the child. And that no one needs the children of alcoholics, and children from prosperous families are almost hunted. In fact, the vast majority of “clients” of social services are still dysfunctional families. Sometimes wealthy, but disadvantaged. By and large, NOBODY is interested in removing children. Neither the “aunts” on the ground, nor the state.
The policy of preserving the blood family, on the contrary, significantly complicates the work of organs and creates a threat to children. They have the right to confiscate without trial only in case of a threat to life and health. The police will do this, draw up a protocol, on the basis of which no one will be deprived of their rights - a trial will take place later, and even in such situations, there is an 80% chance that the child will be returned. Moreover, any small child still strives for his mother, not fully realizing how dangerous this can be.
Most victims would have been able to avoid many troubles if they had been protected from their parents in time by being placed under the care of the state, continues Olesya. – Orphanages, of course, are also not effective. And today, family support centers have replaced the usual orphanages. All children should live in families. Maybe not in my family. But in those who love. Guardianship also fights for the rehabilitation and correction of a dysfunctional family. This is a complex process, it can drag on for years and still not produce results. Currently, there is social patronage and a well-coordinated system of work of all bodies, but sometimes this is not enough, due to the closed nature of families and the unwillingness of society to protect children. And yes, there are monstrous stories of the impotence of social workers, including those leading to the death of children... The system is extremely imperfect and weak.
Of course, we are talking about the system as a whole, and we should not forget about the human factor. There are blatant cases of violation of the rights of parents and children, but they are not related to the rules of the system, but to the abuse of powers of its representatives. There are inadequate educators who extort bribes from social workers.
If you are unlucky and have to deal with unprofessional people, you are groundlessly accused of something and threatened with serious consequences,” explains Pavel Taruntaev, “then by and large it doesn’t matter what you do and how you explain the situation, it’s unlikely that anything will happen.” you will report. But even if it comes to the guardianship authorities, you have nothing to fear if you do not harm your child - the examination will prove a favorable family situation.
In this situation, it is better, of course, to change the educational institution. And about social workers - write complaints to their superiors.
If a child is beaten in front of your eyes
Finally, I would like to raise one more question that often comes up on various parent-child forums. If you see parents beating their children, should you intervene? Most often, people are afraid that because of them the child will be taken to an orphanage, and are not ready to take on such responsibility. As explained above, this happens very rarely and only when there is a threat to the child’s life. Agree, in this situation, it is difficult to say that the orphanage is worse.
Of course, everyone determines for themselves the line beyond which they are obliged to intervene, and up to which the parents’ behavior can still be justified. If we see that a father or mother is shouting at their child or carrying him “grabbing him in his arms,” is this considered violence? Do we know what's really going on? Perhaps the mother is trying to cope with a child’s hysteria, perhaps she herself is on the verge due to burnout and lack of internal resources. In such situations, we act according to our own beliefs and values. Some people think it’s better to let mom cope as best she can and not interfere. Someone is trying to distract the mother or child by talking and redirect their attention. But if we see that a child is being beaten, there are not many options for reflection.
My position is clear,” says Dima Zitser. “To intervene, of course.” If a man hits a girl in front of you, should you intervene or not? If we still live in the early Middle Ages, where the strong have the right to beat the weak, simply because he is strong and this one is weak, what is there to comment on? People who do not intervene usually say that the rapist will then take it out on the child. It is not true. This is self-justification of one’s own indecision and cowardice. In most cases, the abuser, who realizes that his violence is visible, backs down. In general, the easiest way to stop a rapist is with boundaries. If he hits, only the police. There are still quite a few cases when an adult swung his hand, pulled his hand, and so on. I come up and quietly say in the person’s ear: “Do you know that you are now violating criminal law?” I did this more than once, not twice. And there was not a single case where I was told, for example, “it’s none of your business.” What we fear, right? Or for the person to continue beating. But - you won’t believe it - there were cases when they told me: “Oh, you’re absolutely right, I’ll pull myself together.”
“Most rapists at this moment say: “I have the right, but the child is to blame, he got on my nerves.” This is the same as the rapist claims that the victim is to blame for coming out in a short skirt, but he simply cannot control himself,” continues Dima Zitser. “If you can stop the aggression, it must be stopped. And if you pass by at this moment... Can you imagine what kind of hell you are creating in the soul of this child, right? Hell, because at this moment he lives in a situation of violence and all adults are ready to betray him in your face.
Editor: Polina Rtishcheva
We thank all the experts for the interviews and cooperation.
If a child lies, do they beat him? Unpleasant conversation in kindergarten... was last modified: October 26th, 2017 by Polina Rtishcheva
I hit my child, I began to notice that I do this often, I hit him because he starts yelling, it annoys me when he yells!!! When he was just born to me and I never thought of hitting him, but for some reason this opinion of mine was turned off when they asked me, are you hitting your child, I answered NO YOU WHAT?... he was 5 months old then, his first tooth came out I I was at home alone and didn’t understand why he was yelling so much all night, etc.. then I spanked him on the butt, that was the very first time, once I spanked him myself, I got scared, the child got scared 100 times... after that I stopped doing it I can’t understand why these words affected me, that you can beat children... that my friends beat their children, their children are alive and well, which means that everything will be fine with mine... then it became a habit... as soon as he started to irritate me, then I spanked him on the butt, at first it was just one spank at a time, then three times at one time, when he was a year old we moved to a new apartment, he put his hands in the socket, I talked to him and explained that it was impossible, I was advised to just slap his hands ...and I spanked him very hard, his hands were red, I told him that the current was hitting me like that, then he began to irritate me, always climbing somewhere, he did this, he looked at me and laughed, he played with me and did not understand that it was dangerous but it annoyed me, then at a party he was already 1.4 years old and began to show off in front of other children, he gracefully waved my hand away when I fed him, for this I hit him hard on the hands and yelled at him with obscenities, he did not want to go to the shower swim because he wanted to go for a walk outside, when I dragged him into the shower, he fell on the floor and screamed like crazy, for this I hit him hard on the butt, when he yells I can’t control myself, it drives me crazy I become a demon, I just want to kill him, throw him out, hit him so that he shuts up, I start to hate him, I yell at him with the latest obscenities, and this often happens once a week, but in the summer it was more often, what also affects me is that if someone is nearby some of my friends punish their children, for some reason I’m starting to think that I should do the same... last night he was sleeping, screaming in his sleep, and kicking me... I hugged him, rocked him, calmed him down, but he didn’t calm down and continued to kick me ... in the end it infuriated me, I beat him on the legs with my hand so badly that my hand now hurts, I covered his mouth with my hand, told him with obscenities to stop yelling, threw him to the other end of the sofa... I think it’s time for me to get treatment or I I'll kill him soon. .. the son is a planned child and not just a stray pregnancy, but when I was pregnant, my husband blew my mind with his whims, mocked me, pushed me, threw me with bags when we were walking from the store in winter, constantly argued, scandalized it all started when I got pregnant , when I gave birth to a child, there were complications, the child began to die, as a result, I was cesareaned, my biggest dream was to give birth on my own, but I didn’t succeed, because of which I really fell into depression... when they brought me the child, I didn’t like him, but I I didn’t understand why I had this feeling that this was not my child but someone else’s... and so it was for three months I didn’t perceive him as my own, but I strictly fulfilled all my duties, breastfed (until two years old), worked with him, hired masseuses, went swimming , I read fairy tales to him from his first birthday to this day, I play, joke with him, I always kiss him, I love him very much like a mother, from the age of 1.2 I began to take him to a development center and at home I study with him myself, I teach him everything about geometry , modeling, letters, we draw together, I teach him everything, he’s the smartest, kindest, he’s only been helping me for 2 years and he already knows a lot that others don’t, for my part I adore him, I love him, but when he starts yelling then I become a demon and start hitting him and throwing him around. What’s wrong with me... maybe it’s time to go crazy... I need help, advice and not just chatter!!! I need to understand how to cope with myself at the moment when he is yelling.Sorry for writing so much, I could do more in two years, a lot has accumulated, no one understands and doesn’t want to listen, sorry for the mistakes too.
Uv. Svetlana, I want to express my support to you.
How old are you?
What did you do before pregnancy?
Good morning, Svetlana, please tell us how your pregnancy progressed and what indications you had for a cesarean section. And how are your hormones now?
I also want you to do well for admitting to yourself and solving this problem.
I want to ask, what was your childhood like, did your mother beat you?
How does your husband feel about that? Why are you beating a child?
How does he communicate with the child?
--- Added ---The pregnancy was going badly after my husband and I had a fight, he beat me then... I went to the hospital with indications of a spontaneous miscarriage... then I was in bed a couple more times because of the tone, indications for a cesarean section arose during the birth itself, already when I I was giving birth, they did a CTG, it turned out that the baby was suffocating, his heartbeat dropped and they cut me, it turned out that he was wrapped in the umbilical cord... with hormones... I don’t know, I didn’t check.
Added ---
Yes, my parents beat me, my father started beating me in the fifth grade, then my mother beat me, mostly they spanked me on the butt, then I remember when we were in the fifth grade they came home from school and my dad came drunk and beat us very hard with a soldier’s belt with a plaque, drove us away into the corner and hit us, hard and hard... because we didn’t prepare him to eat... that’s how he put it... after that day he always started beating us, before that he never hit us at all, we loved him, we walked with him, I loved sleeping with him, but after that day we hated him... my mother then started beating me the same way, once she beat me and kicked me out into the snow with my bare feet because I didn’t want to peel the onions... well, and so on in little things, I often got it just like that, my sisters set me up, my mother believed them.
Added ---
my husband doesn’t know that I’m beating him, when my husband is at home it’s easier for me, the child plays with me or plays with him and helps, my husband walks with him and so on a little bit at a time... my husband only hears when I yell at him, he’s against it, well I’m against the same thing, but I can’t restrain myself... he’s fine with the child, he spanked him once, I told him that let’s call it a day, that it won’t lead to good, he didn’t spank him again in front of me.
Added ---
Uv. Svetlana, I want to express my support to you.
Many mothers face similar problems, even if you and only a few admit to themselves that there is a problem and it needs to be solved.UV. Svetlana, tell us about your current relationship with the child’s father?
What do you do besides take care of your son?
How old are you?
What did you do before pregnancy?My relationship with my husband is bad, we always argue, we create scandals as soon as I got pregnant, my husband started arguing over every little thing, then it grew into a habit of making scandals every weekend... I now only take care of the child, nothing else, the child does not go to kindergarten , my husband doesn’t register it... without registration they don’t even put us on the waiting list... I told my husband a hundred times when we’ll register it? he makes excuses for various reasons... I am 27 years old. Before pregnancy, I worked in a car dealership, then together with my husband I helped him.
My relationship with my husband is bad, we always argue, we make scandals. As soon as I got pregnant, my husband started arguing over every little thing, then it grew into a habit of making scandals every weekend...
Are you satisfied with this kind of relationship? What about your husband? Why don't you get a divorce then?
The relationship with my husband does not suit me, we came to the point of a fight, the last time he swung at me and my son ran to protect me... I already hate my husband, I’m afraid of divorce, where will I live with the child, I’m constantly thinking about leaving husband, but I’m wondering how my son will grow up without a father... I can’t cope with my son myself, he’s becoming more and more disobedient, he’s stopped listening to me altogether, a week has passed, he’s already a different, disobedient boy, we were visiting him just there he opened his mouth and yelled if something wasn’t the way he wanted, or they didn’t give him something, they didn’t let him go where he wanted... he just opened his mouth and started screaming until he was hoarse... today again he was beaten on the butt and already taken out For two weeks I was constantly yelling and not being obedient, he brought the construction set into the kitchen, we played with houses, we were building, he stood up and swept everything with his hand onto the floor, everything scattered into small parts, I told him that it was not good to do that, asked him to remove it, he ran away.. .then he returned and began to brazenly throw everything with his foot to show that he would not clean up anything. Then he began to wave his arms at me, throw cubes, fall on the floor and yell, this drove me crazy and I spanked him on the butt, I’m already sick of his behavior, he doesn’t mean well relationship seems like this to me...
Leave the child to your husband. Or give him to a foster family. Go to a psychologist yourself. And it wouldn’t hurt to show my son to specialists.
A psychotherapist is a doctor who treats mild to moderate mental illnesses resulting from stress, inherited, based on childhood mental trauma, but not associated with serious brain diseases or other physiological injuries. The qualification of a psychotherapist is assigned to a psychiatrist who has at least three years of work experience and has undergone additional training.A psychotherapist, unlike a psychologist who is not a medical specialist, has the right to diagnose, prescribe and carry out treatment. What distinguishes him from a psychiatrist is his treatment methods. If a psychiatrist treats patients with medications that affect brain activity, then the psychotherapist initially relies on speech methods of influence, supplementing them with medications if necessary. (With)
I think you urgently need a psychotherapist. You hate your husband and take it out on your child. If you leave everything as it is, then for the child this threatens both severe psychological and physical trauma. At the same time, you need a psychologist to take care of your baby right now. The child feels you and behaves according to your behavior. When babies are teething, they become very capricious. In addition, you already use corporal punishment quite often; this is an extreme measure, out of impotence. If I can’t come to an agreement, I’ll beat you, and when the spanking stops helping, will you start beating me like your father? Urgently, urgently for an in-person appointment with a doctor.
No one will take your child away from you; the doctor will help you understand the situation, find acceptable solutions, and prescribe sedatives.
Last edited by Ritta; 05/01/2014 at 16:51.
Tonight he was sleeping, screaming in his sleep, and kicking me... I hugged him, rocked him, calmed him down, but he didn’t calm down and continued to kick me... in the end it enraged me, I beat him on the legs with my hand so hard that I Now my hand hurts, I covered his mouth with my hand, told him to stop yelling with obscenities, threw him on the other side of the sofa...
Uv. Svetlana, what about you? feel After what you described, what do you do, what do you say to the child?
How quickly does he calm down afterwards?
I feel disgusting that I am the same as my parents, the same monster and creature, the child calms down only in my arms, he climbs into my arms, hugs me, buries his nose in my shoulder and stops crying, he always calms down in different ways, sometimes quickly sometimes for a long time, but this then when I don’t pick him up, he follows me and roars, I just don’t understand how to behave with him, what to do after punishment, since I punished him, I just hug him, tell him that he shouldn’t do that, it’s bad, I say that I’m his I scolded him because of his disobedience... I understand that I’m just tired and all the people around me are annoying me, the child annoys me with his simple yelling, he starts to throw out and it annoys me, I don’t know how to restrain myself.
I feel disgusting that I am the same as my parents, the same monster and creature, the child calms down only in my arms, he climbs into my arms, hugs me, buries his nose in my shoulder and stops crying, he always calms down in different ways, sometimes quickly sometimes for a long time, but this then when I don’t pick him up, he follows me and roars, I just don’t understand how to behave with him, what to do after punishment, since I punished him, I just hug him, tell him that he shouldn’t do that, it’s bad, I say that I’m his I scolded him because of his disobedience... I understand that I’m just tired and all the people around me are annoying me, the child annoys me with his simple yelling, he starts to throw out and it annoys me, I don’t know how to restrain myself.
Do you live separately with your husband or with any other relatives?
Last edited by Tatyana I; 05/02/2014 at 07:17.
What if you just don’t hit, but instead hug when you want to hit? Hug, kiss, wish for yourself, poor tired (whatever you say, sometimes it’s hard for everyone with small children) and cry together.
He is 2 years old, did I understand correctly from the topic?
IMHO: just think if he calms down in your arms, then you have a resource that will help you calm him down at such moments. And then, at such an age, they feel us, another race at a distance (at the godmother, one race, a completely calm child, for no reason at all, began to yell foolishly, demanding his mother, it turned out that at that moment his mother fell in the garden with a heart attack, and he was in home), and what feelings you send when communicating with him, he will mirror the same ones. (an example is that he sometimes hits you, you hit him and he hits you). Imagine that he is simply scared and for this reason he follows you and cries, and your task is to hug him and thereby say “don’t be afraid, baby, mom is with you, mom is nearby, she loves you and will protect you!”Do you live separately with your husband or with any other relatives?
We live separately from all our relatives, in a two-room apartment, I try to restrain myself, sometimes it’s like a demon takes over and I just start beating him... I constantly think that if I hug him when he’s capricious, demanding something that he’s not allowed to do or something that’s someone else’s , he starts yelling, they’re lying around, and I’m going to hug him... what will happen next then? I always think about what to do right, but I start to get confused, he demands to ride on someone else’s car, I tell him that it’s someone else’s, not ours, we’re not allowed, as soon as he hears that it’s someone else’s, he falls to the ground and starts yelling and demanding, I stand there looking how he yells at the same time I try to explain to him that this is not our car, then I tell him that the ground is dirty, get up, he yells, today it seems like tfu tfu, we walked without incident, he yelled, I fell, I controlled myself, I talked to him, he didn’t immediately but got up, followed me, he became corrupted and took his thrown toys, brought them to the trunk, I understand that he beats me because I beat him, he started fighting as soon as I started beating him, I understand that beating leads to beating, I just can’t restrain myself sometimes it infuriates me so much that my hand keeps flying... then I just start to think what I’ve done... yesterday, for example, I asked him to put away this scattered construction set, which he himself gracefully threw from the table to the floor and watched with pleasure as he shatters into smithereens, then he stood and kicked him, I asked him to remove him, then I said that the designer would be lost if he was tossed around like that, I offered to help him and he just stood there and kicked him, then he fell on him, then he just got up and left. ..even ran away, I brought him back and he started beating me, throwing construction kits at me, waving his arms, yelling, kicking this Lego, for which he got hit in the butt, ended up crying and just fell asleep again in my arms, climbed on top of me while he was roaring , I removed this construction set and threw it on the balcony, this happened once already, then I just put away all his toys for two weeks, then gradually gave him one at a time, said that he was putting the toys back in their place and this toy wanted to come back to him like this, but now it all started again...
I constantly think that if I hug him when he is capricious, demands something that he is not allowed to do or something that is someone else’s, he starts yelling, they fall around, and I hug him... what will happen next? I always think about what to do right, but I start to get confused, he demands to ride on someone else’s car, I tell him that it’s someone else’s, not ours, we’re not allowed, as soon as he hears that it’s someone else’s, he falls to the ground and starts yelling and demanding, I stand there looking how he yells while I try to explain to him that this is not our car, then I tell him that the ground is dirty, get up, he yells
And another question:today, like tfu tfu, we walked without incident, he was yelling, I fell, I controlled myself, I didn’t talk to him right away, but he got up, followed me, got corrupted and took his abandoned toys, brought them to the trunk,
He has not yet tested your strength
Yesterday, for example, I asked him to remove this scattered construction set, which he himself gracefully threw from the table onto the floor and watched with pleasure as it shattered into smithereens, then he stood and threw it with his foot, I asked him to remove it, then I said that the construction set would be lost if it lay around like that , offered to help him and he just stood and kicked him, then fell on him, then he just got up and left... even ran away, I returned him and he started hitting me, throwing construction sets at me, waving his arms, yelling, kicking this Lego , for which he got hit in the butt, ended up crying and just fell asleep again in my arms, climbed on top of me while he was bawling, I removed this construction set and threw it on the balcony, this happened once already then I just put away all his toys for two weeks later Gradually she gave him one at a time and said that he was putting the toys back in their place and this toy wanted to come back to him like that, but now it all started all over again...
Uv.Olga, I’m not a psychologist, but this situation is painfully familiar... One of my races bit his tongue in such a fall to the floor.
As far as I remember, the speech in the previous post was about the fact that the child cried at night and you put him to sleep. Maybe he had a bad dream.
In this situation, you are describing how the child is trying to take with his throat - these are different things.
IMHO: it is useless to explain a screaming child in this situation!!!
You grab him by the cracker (it’s still not very heavy) and drag him home, without shouting or manhandling, and at home you say that he didn’t behave well and that’s why you stopped the walk.
Second option: Stand calmly next to the struggling child and remain silent, thereby demonstrating that the option will not pass. When he gets tired of yelling, say: “Calm down!! No means no.”
And another question: Who told you that things will get worse???
Also IMHO: it’s normal for a child at that age to test how much they can bend their parents and how they can control them (mine is 6 now and it’s all gone, the word NO is perceived adequately). The main thing is not to change your mind. NO means NO.He has not yet tested your strength
Do you often just hug him, praise him, kiss him as encouragement, for example, or just like that, for no reason?
I'm not Olga...
I often hug him just like that, we always play games, sometimes I just start squeezing him, tickling his belly, he always comes up and kisses me, I hug him back, I always praise him for everything no matter what he does, but in different ways for what he does then he will clean it up, I say, you see how well you did, give me a high five, and I stroke his head, kiss him, for the fact that he sat on the potty and did all his business, I hug him, I praise him, we clap our hands with him, sometimes I just express with intonation that he he’s super cool and he did a great job and we clap our hands, I always praise him, for example, he spills cat food, I tell him, now collect, he starts to be stubborn, but in the end he collects, I immediately change my intonation, forcefully put on a smile and say, see how good you are it turned out to be a high five, we hug and kiss... I always praise him, kiss him, hug him. He always yells on different occasions, sometimes in his sleep at night, sometimes on the street he yells everywhere and it always annoys me.
Sorry, I got something wrong.
Why don’t you want to consult a neurologist about his behavior? And why do you refuse medical help yourself?
There is no magic button or magic pill that will remove unwanted reactions. What do you expect from the forum? What do you want from yourself? What do you want from your child?
Why don’t you want to consult a neurologist about his behavior? And why do you refuse medical help yourself?
Admitting to yourself that there is a problem is only half the way to solving it.
There is no magic button or magic pill that will remove unwanted reactions. What do you expect from the forum? What do you want from yourself? What do you want from your child?I don’t want a consultation with a psychologist, on the contrary, I dream about it, I want to communicate in reality with a living person about my problems, I just don’t have the money to pay for it at the moment... I’ve already made an appointment for the child with a neurologist, let’s go quickly , I don’t refuse help, I don’t have money for it yet... I’m waiting for support and advice from the forum on how to learn to restrain myself, what to do at that moment when the blood boils, how to act and behave correctly when the child has already enraged everything, I want to learn from myself patience, restraint, and in general I want to stop beating him, I don’t want anything from the child... I understand that the problem is in me and not in him, he is still too small to want something from him, of course you can say that I want from him so that he doesn’t he played around, didn’t yell, didn’t throw things around when something doesn’t work out for him, but I understand that he just can’t restrain himself yet and it’s my duty to teach him this, but I myself am not able to do it and I don’t know how to do it... when he and I have a situation that starts to piss me off, then a lot of thoughts run through my head about what to do, how to behave, what to say to him, the first words are always calm, I try to explain what and how, but he starts kicking, throwing, fighting , bites and gets paid for it... today I just took him to the potty, I told him let’s go, it’s time for you to sit there, he doesn’t want to... I know for sure that it’s time for him, I start telling him that let’s take the cars and let’s go to the potty, he doesn’t go and he was lying and playing, I picked him up and led him, and he bit me in the leg... the reaction worked instantly, he got hit in the butt right away...
I know for sure that it’s time for him I start to say that let’s take the cars and let’s go to the potty, he doesn’t go but lies and plays, I picked him up and led him, and he bit me in the leg... the reaction worked instantly, he got hit in the butt right away...
Did you get it on the butt because he knows better than you when it’s time for him to go potty?
He may know that it’s time for him to go potty, but he doesn’t sit down, and does everything on the floor... so I calculate by time approximately when he will want to go to the toilet again. I’ve never made a mistake. I got my butt for biting me on the leg.
On the question of how to learn to restrain yourself...there is only the current moment
Here is the situation, for example.
I always think about what to do right but I start to get confused, he demands to ride in a car on someone else’s car, I tell him that this is someone else’s, not ours, we are not allowed, as soon as he hears that it is someone else’s, he falls to the ground and starts yelling, demanding, I stand there, watching him yell while trying to explain to him that this is not our car, then I tell him that the ground is dirty, get up, he yells,
He senses your hesitation and weakness, I think...the situation, by the way, could be played up (by offering something in exchange for the car, by offering to ask the owners if it is possible, by offering to exchange something with the owners of the car). And at the same time, without internally doubting for a second HOW it is correct and WHY. You have too much going on, as if all you care about is getting it done, and as if you have doubts that you should get it done.
too much
Look how many things there are: either the car is someone else’s, or they don’t let us, or the ground is dirty. Stream of “no”, not a single “yes”. But there are always some YES.
I remember how I was potty training my son (no, I don’t consider myself an example in any way and I have a f***ing ton of mistakes) I just carried him to the potty after getting up in the morning and after his lunch nap, and the potty stood in plain sight. I never scolded him, even when at 3 years old he could play too much and even crap himself... But what mini-happiness my husband and I experienced when our son ran around the house and sat on the potty himself. It was even pride for him... I figured it out!!
I think that you beat the little one out of a feeling of powerlessness... You want to do everything better than everyone else, but for some reason it doesn’t work out.
--- Added ---On the question of how to learn to restrain yourself...
Personally, I didn’t beat the child, but I often put moral pressure on him, brought him to tears... this is bad. I realized that I was flooded with blind anger and that I was simply pouring out some of my emotions on my daughter that had nothing to do with her. I had to learn to control myself. And here, oddly enough, one story of a drug addict who gave up helped me. One of the postulates of quitters that needs to be realized sounds simple, but somehow I didn’t understand this before... so here it is: there is only the current moment. If you don't restrain yourself now, you will never restrain yourself. You wake up in the morning - and everything is all over again. There is no tomorrow. There is no later.
It’s difficult to explain how, but I remembered this a couple of times at the exact moment when I realized that NOW I would begin to put unreasonable pressure on my daughter and... alas, I cannot explain how this helped me stop. Everything was raging inside, something was trying to spill out into anger (for some reason it was nice that my daughter was about to cry - this is some kind of bloodthirsty cruelty, a desire to torment), but somehow in one second it came: awareness of my anger, a forecast of that , what would happen next, then I felt the moment of choice, to do this or not, then I made a choice - to restrain myself. And at that very moment everything calmed down. The anger went away. All this happened in a matter of seconds. No, after that the anger did not eat me from the inside. It just felt like it was flowing away like water at the moment of choice. That is, it was not through force. There was no such thing that I, feeling wildly irritated, forced myself to smile. On the contrary, for the anger to go away, you remove yourself from the situation completely.Oh, sorry, I can’t really explain how it is.
And then, after I restrained myself in this way several times, everything began to decline... I began to see more of my daughter herself, and not of myself.
By the way, yes, my anger also flooded me in tides precisely in moments of disobedience. But here I had a separate and long work on myself... now it’s strange for me to imagine that one might not listen to me.
Here is the situation, for example.
He senses your hesitation and weakness, I think...the situation, by the way, could be played up (by offering something in exchange for the car, by offering to ask the owners if it is possible, by offering to exchange something with the owners of the car). And at the same time, without internally doubting for a second HOW it is correct and WHY. You have too much going on, as if all you care about is getting it done, and as if you have doubts that you should get it done.
This situation reminded me a little of the typical behavior of a person who is not sure what he is saying or is lying (I am not a psychologist at all, but I often conduct business negotiations). How do such people behave? They lead too much reasons confirming their correctness. All the reasons are small, scattered and indirectly related to the matter.
It is likely that the child senses your hesitation and uncertainty. They lie to him, he protests.
Look how many things there are: either the car is someone else’s, or they don’t let us, or the ground is dirty. Stream of “no”, not a single “yes”. But there are always some YES.
There are hesitations and weakness because I myself don’t know what to say or how to deal with him, it’s always pressing because he does this in public places, everyone starts looking as if they’re seeing this for the first time... it’s starting to put pressure on me and irritate me, I’m starting to think that everyone around will think that my child is crazy... I also have a complex on this topic, when he was 1 month old, he had an ultrasound on his brain and there was some kind of fluid there that exceeded the norm, but this is not a deviation, it’s just his physiology, over time it all went away and returned to normal, but when my mother-in-law found out about this, she began to talk about my son as if he was mentally ill, she always talked to him like he was mentally retarded and once said that you need to be careful in communicating with my son and not letting him cry, I asked why? she replied: well, well, he has abnormalities in his head... that’s when I got stuck.... now I’m always worried that everyone will think that he’s crazy...
As for beating the situation, sometimes it works out, but sometimes the owner is adamantly against changing and dividing, this happens and there’s nothing else to distract his son except what he wants, he doesn’t need to stand his ground... give it to him and that’s it... that’s where hysterics come in .
Yes, I always think that my task is to calm him down at the moment when he becomes hysterical, sometimes when it doesn’t work out, I stand and think what else to do to calm him down, or maybe just wait until he yells and lays around...You wrote a very informative story, I understood you.
I remember how I was potty training my son (no, I don’t consider myself an example in any way and I have a f***ing ton of mistakes) I just carried him to the potty after getting up in the morning and after his lunch nap, and the potty stood in plain sight. I never scolded him, even when at 3 years old he could play too much and even crap himself... But what mini-happiness my husband and I experienced when our son ran around the house and sat on the potty himself. It was even pride for him... I figured it out!!
IMHO: Svetlana, think about who you need to be an ideal mother for?
I think that you beat the little one out of a feeling of powerlessness... You want to do everything better than everyone else, but for some reason it doesn’t work out.
I slapped him on the butt not because he didn’t want to sit on the potty, but because he bit me on the leg so hard that it left a bruise, but in the end he sat down on the potty himself. I’m also happy when he sits on the potty himself during the day, I sit him down before bed, before a walk and after sleep, I control all this, but this time he BIT me and that’s what he got, and not because he resisted going to the potty. pot.
I don’t want to be an ideal, it’s just that the main thing for me is to learn to restrain myself, to understand what to think and how to act at the moment when a breakdown is approaching, how to understand when to have time to intercept it so as not to throw out all the negativity on my son. My parents did not know how to restrain themselves and In general, they are not ideals, I want to be different from them in any way, but everything comes from my gut... sometimes when I spank him, I think that’s what I should have done... because he bit me, I spanked him. how the defense itself worked, quickly as lightning... I hit him when he’s already tired and I don’t know what to do, how to behave so that he understands that this cannot be done. It’s better than anyone to do something, I think everyone wants this, but I want everything to be normal. I’m happy with everything I do, one thing that irritates me about myself is that I’m not restrained, I yell and hit him, but this happens rarely but accurately... I I'm just afraid that this will develop into a habit and happen often...Added ---
Don't bite me.
The answer to my question, we try to ensure that those around us do not think that the child is not full-fledged, and if so, it means that you are a bad mother and gave birth to such a child...
I also have a complex on this topic, when he was 1 month old, he had an ultrasound scan of the brain and there was some fluid there that exceeded the norm, but this is not a deviation, it’s just his physiology, over time it all went away and returned to normal, but my mother-in-law when she found out about this, she began to talk about my son as if he was mentally ill, she always talked to him like he was mentally retarded, and one day she said that I should be careful in communicating with my son and not let him cry, I asked why? she replied: well, well, he has abnormalities in his head... that’s when I got stuck.... now I’m always worried that everyone will think that he’s crazy...
The same thing, the child is crazy, and you are to blame...
As for beating the situation, sometimes it works out, but sometimes the owner is adamantly against changing and dividing, this happens and there’s nothing else to distract his son except what he wants, he doesn’t need to stand his ground... give it to him and that’s it... that’s where hysterics come in .
Yes, I always think that my task is to calm him down at the moment when he becomes hysterical, sometimes when it doesn’t work out I stand and think What else can I do to calm him down, or can I just wait until he yells and lays around...
I don’t lie to my child, I tell him how it is, if they don’t give him that same typewriter, then they don’t give him what can I do...? go buy it for him so that he can calm down... the ground is really dirty, I no longer want to let him near other people's toys before when I didn't let him near, he didn't even come close, it was worth allowing once to allow such hysterics... when I try to him to calm down, not only I say no, I offer him a lot of things in return, and in return he can look at the birds and feed the ducks, and ride on a slide and climb a tree, but he still NO and NO, give him what he wanted, so he has to leave the site...
You change the child, you waste time when he needs to go to the toilet, you go out of your way, take full responsibility for his behavior upon yourself... At the same time, perplexed, I’m good, why does he behave this way?
Well, he will scream, he will scream, he will understand that the option DOESN’T WORK and will stop.
You don’t see him, you don’t accept him as he is, you reshape him, but at the same time he doesn’t feel safe, so he gets into trouble with or without reason.
What's so bad will happen if he pees himself?
Of course he sat down, where will he go? You’re stronger, aren’t you?
You didn’t understand anything... I said that I didn’t stress about this, the time came and he started doing everything himself, I just suggested and it was not for nothing that I gave an example when he could crap himself.
Imagine the situation: a child was playing and wanted to go to the toilet, and... forgot, peed himself. He made himself uncomfortable, now he has to break away from the game and change clothes, while he could come up and quickly pee and calmly continue the game. Do you think he won’t understand this himself over time?
NOT straining with the talent means letting the situation reach its conclusion.
Why, why do you need to control this? So he will never learn to go to the toilet on his own, he will wait for his mother to lead)))
but this time he BIT me and that’s what he got, and not because he resisted going to the potty.
I don’t want to be an ideal, it’s just that the main thing for me is to learn to restrain myself, to understand what to think and how to act at the moment when a breakdown is approaching, how to understand when to have time to intercept it so as not to throw out all the negativity on my son. My parents did not know how to restrain themselves and In general, they are not ideals, I want to be different from them in any way, but everything comes from my gut... sometimes when I spank him, I think that’s what I should have done... because he bit me, I spanked him. how the defense itself worked, quickly as lightning... I hit him when he’s already tired and I don’t know what to do, how to behave so that he understands that this cannot be done. It’s best to do something, I think everyone wants this, but I want everything to be normal. I'm happy with everything I do One thing that annoys me about myself is that I am not restrained, I yell and hit him, but this happens rarely but accurately... I’m just afraid that this will develop into a habit and will happen often...
Author: Did your parents demand obedience from you and beat you, drove you out into the snow if you did not obey?
IMHO: ARE YOU now looking for an answer to how to force a child to do everything I want without using physical force?
You need to learn to interact, hear, accept and guide. This means taking into account his views and desires, the right to make mistakes and express himself.
Last edited by Tatyana I; 05/05/2014 at 06:29.
Svetlana, hello...
I just started reading your topic and perhaps later in your messages you have already made a productive decision in favor of resolving the situation...., but now I can’t resist....
Right now my one and a half year old boy is sleeping next to me, smacking his chest, and from what I read, a sob breaks out, a lump in my chest and tears...
I ask you very much, fulfill your main task, protect the little man, at least from yourself, as you are now.
But time passes and time is short, the child has already absorbed it, now you will need to “heal” what you managed to cripple and perhaps you will experience even more negative emotions...
I sincerely sympathize with your baby, and you. Work on yourself, you have to, it’s your responsibility now. The mother not only carries and gives birth. My father also beat my mother, but it didn’t affect us at all. And you can, believe in yourself.
Good luck. I just couldn't pass by...
Svetlana, hello! A year has passed... Tell me, how are things going with you now? Much of what you described is similar to my situation, I feel like a miserable mother for raising my hand to my child (he is 2.8 now), a child with a complex character and temperament, hyperactivity can be traced, a year ago a neurologist diagnosed “emotional lability”, It’s quite common for my child to throw a tantrum, scream until the veins in his neck bulge, lie on the floor/ground, fight, including kicking, bite, pinch until he bruises, pull his hair, almost doesn’t react to comments... We have everything Our friends are shocked by our child, he is completely uncontrollable, we only walk wherever he wants, but he doesn’t stand still at all, he doesn’t play much on children’s playgrounds, we even had to hide the balance bike because he doesn’t listen, he goes far, flies into the road, we have to run behind him. He yells with or without reason, it also freaks me out, as they say, I can’t always restrain myself, I can hit you hard on the lips or even in the face, it hits me on the butt almost every day. At first we explain everything in a good way, then in a raised voice, then I break down (my husband can’t hold back sometimes either) and raise my hand or jerk it like crazy. I feel like a monster, but my nervous system can no longer stand it. I take sedatives from time to time, but they don’t help much.
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