Choosing a nanny: a mistake that can cost your life. Nanny: ideal or permanent? What is best for a child? Discreet nanny

Our regular columnist told us why she needed a nanny, despite the fact that her own mother did not mind taking care of her granddaughter. You can read about this in the column “Grandma or Nanny: 4 Myths I Want to Debunk Right Now.”

“Letidor” asked Nuria to tell us in more detail how the search for a nanny for baby Safira went and what, based on her own experience, she can advise other parents.

Nuria Arkhipova

Finding a nanny is not as simple a task as it might seem at first glance. As soon as I decided to hire an assistant, I was faced with several questions:

1.** Where to look:** on the Internet or through an acquaintance?

2.** Which nanny is better:** an older woman (40-50 years old) or a young one (under 30)?

3. How important availability of pedagogical education at the nanny's?

4. Is a fact important? the nanny has her own children? Does this fact affect the attitude towards students? Or is it more important to find a person who simply loves children?

5.** How to pay:** every day, once a week or monthly? What do you prefer: hourly or daily?

6. And, despite the fact that I have conducted more than one job interview in my life, I thought: what to look for when hiring a nanny?

7. Health status of the future nanny: is it necessary? availability of a medical certificate?

8.** How to control the work of a nanny**?

Where to look for a nanny

Despite the fact that I was extremely determined, I cannot deny that I was not tormented by vague doubts. After all, it’s normal to worry and worry about your children.

Initially, the search for a nanny was carried out with the help of specialized recruitment agencies, of which there are quite a lot on the market today. I settled on one of the most popular sites specializing specifically in the service of selecting nannies. It had filters based on criteria, an interactive map showing nannies in the area, and the presence of reviews from former employers. In addition, on the site you could immediately see their age, education, experience, find out what work schedule suits them and whether it matches your preferences.

True, searching for a nanny on your own on the website is not a free service: to find a nanny, you need to pay 1,290 rubles.

It seems to me that the money is reasonable, and it is possible to spend it to get full access to the database and passport data of applicants. So, we sorted out the question of where to look.

Nanny age

As for age, I considered a minimum of 40 years.

It seems to me that a younger nanny, especially with children of her own who may still be young, will be more distracted by her children. A woman over forty has sufficient life experience, is more responsible, and, as a rule, has adult children and experience in raising them.

I decided that the upper age limit is strictly 55 years.

Children grow quite quickly; you won’t even notice how the child turns one year old and begins to walk and then run. Therefore, the nanny should, in my opinion, be a woman active enough to run after the child if the need arises.

And in general, quick reaction and mobility, as you yourself understand, are very important when it comes to babies - before you have time to look back, everything that was found nearby is dragged into your mouth.

Availability of pedagogical education

While the child is small (1-3 years), in my opinion, pedagogical education is not an essential thing. Preferred, but not required. And here three year old child the teacher won't hurt.

But what a baby needs is a medical education from the nanny.

She must know how to lower the temperature, what medications to stop the first symptoms of a cold, and can generally distinguish when a child is being capricious and when he is being mischievous because he is getting sick. Such a nanny knows everything about complementary feeding: when and what can be introduced, she will quickly understand if the child is allergic to something.

Another wonderful bonus, in my opinion, is the skills of professional massage for children under one year old.

It is very important to do gymnastics and massage with children - this has a great effect on both physical and emotional development.

The nanny has her own children

Having her own children, in my opinion, is a good bonus for a woman, because it means that she has her own maternal experience.

In some reviews on the Internet, I saw advice that you should definitely inquire about the nanny’s marital status, whether she has children, how old they are, what they do, where they live. In general, to find out how accomplished she was as a mother.

But it seems to me that a woman’s worth as a mother has nothing to do with her professional skills.

For me, having children is not a priority. If a woman loves children, knows how to get along with them, has extensive experience in caring for children, which is confirmed by positive recommendations from previous employers, has a medical and/or pedagogical education, then the absence of her own children will not be a reason for me to refuse her a job.

How to make payment

On the website, each nanny applicant has a tariff in the “Payment” column.

The average price in Moscow today is 300 rubles per hour. You can find it cheaper - 150 rubles / hour, and more expensive - 350-450 rubles / hour.

You can choose a live-in nanny - here everyone proceeds from what is convenient for him. For me, hourly pay and a nanny who lives not so far from us turned out to be an excellent solution to all problems: she comes at the agreed time, spends time with the child a certain amount of hours and leaves.

By the way, you can agree in advance with the nanny to help with housework and carry out some errands. Of course, I am against the nanny doing household chores at the expense of working with the child - it is more important to me that the baby is under constant supervision. But sometimes I still give her some instructions.

It is also worth talking to the nanny in advance about overtime, possible overnight stays and feeding the child. How a child will eat is a very important question. You must think through everything in detail, because preparing food for your baby takes time. And it would be a good idea to conduct an aptitude test for a potential nanny if you want your child to eat something other than cans.

For us, this problem was solved by itself: our grandmother is the responsible chef who monitors the quality of the dishes. But the nanny cooks and feeds Safira - this was my condition when hiring.

What to look for when hiring a nanny

During an interview with a nanny, you need to pay attention to EVERYTHING: how she behaves, how she speaks, how she dresses, how correct her speech is, how she smells.

Even though our nanny is mostly a visitor, she comes to our home every day. She spends several hours with Safira and with those who are in this moment Houses.

You need to understand that by hiring a nanny, you are gaining a new family member who will be next to you and your baby for quite a long period of time. Therefore, be attentive to the smallest details.

Even if you are satisfied with everything - age, education, experience, recommendations - but you feel that something is wrong, that your heart is not in it, then it is better to refuse and continue your search.

At the interview, do not be shy about asking for certificates, diplomas and other documents. Ask for recommendations and be sure to call the numbers that the potential nanny provides you with. Meticulously find out everything, including the family situation: who he lives with, what he does. If a woman does not live alone, but, for example, with children and grandchildren, you can ask why she does not take care of them.

But something else is more important: children of preschool and school age often get sick, the nanny will in this case be a constant source of infections for your child. You need it? I think no.

So the marital status of a potential nanny is no less important than her skills and education.

Availability of a medical certificate

A medical certificate is required! I'm sure you understand why. In kindergartens and schools, teachers will not be allowed to fire a cannon shot at children unless they have medical permission, appropriate tests, and all possible vaccinations.

If you are afraid that her certificate is invalid or purchased, offer to go get tested and visit the doctor together.

It happens that a young mother, for a number of reasons, has to return to active public life soon after the baby is born. The need to transfer a baby into safe hands during absence is not so rare, but not every family has this same pair of safe hands in its environment. And then a nanny comes to replace grandparents, neighbors and friends.

How to choose a nanny for a baby? Responsible parents understand how important it is to choose the right person with whom their baby will spend time during the day. There are no minor details in this matter. The more prudent you are when choosing a nanny for a newborn, the calmer you will be leaving your child under the care of a stranger. So, educational program: how to short term make an important mother’s assistant out of “someone else’s aunt.”

“Mom, where do nannies come from?”

It is very important to understand where good nannies actually come from. The key word here is “good”, since you can only entrust a child with peace of mind to a professional. Here are a few options to start your search for a babysitter:

Mobilize relatives or friends. This is one of the best options: it is unlikely that friends or family will advise you to use the services of a nanny about whom they have a bad opinion.

When listening to the recommendations of even close people, you should take into account the possible difference in your principles: if a nanny was recommended to you by people whose raising a child does not suit you, do not be surprised at the discrepancies in views with such an assistant.

Contact specialized agencies. The big advantage of this method is the ability to immediately set the criteria for choosing a nanny. In addition, the nanny will be found as quickly as possible.

Finding a nanny this way will cost you more. If possible, contact agencies with many years of experience and a good reputation, as there is a high risk of falling into the trap of scammers

Submit advertisements for the search for an assistant. You can do this both online and by posting pieces of paper with your phone number on poles in your area.

When using this search method, be prepared for calls from “people on the street” who “suit” your requirements, but do not actually meet them

Ideal babysitter

Each family considers purely personal requirements as priorities. For some, it is important that the nanny does not allow the child to be willful, while others, on the contrary, encourage the child’s independence. However, the experience of many married couples indicates that the ideal nanny for a newborn must meet the given list of criteria.

Requirements for a babysitter:

Professional competence.

A good nanny must have either a pedagogical or medical education, and an ideal nanny must have both.

Sufficient work experience.

It is not enough to be educated - you need to be experienced. A nanny who has been working with children for many years knows how to keep a child occupied or calm. Colic? Whims? Uncomfortable diaper? An experienced nanny will not only find the cause of concern, but also relieve the child from it.

Optimal age.

Experience suggests that the ideal assistant is made from a woman between the ages of thirty and sixty. Not too young, but not too old, such a nanny has enough experience in raising her own children and at the same time is still full of energy.

This is a must! Don't be shy about contacting a potential nanny's previous employers to ask for feedback, and gently ask why they stopped working.

What to focus on when choosing a nanny for a baby?

In addition to professional qualities, when choosing a nanny, it is important to pay attention to personal qualities applicants. You choose not a robot, but a person whose character and habits you are not familiar with. Take a close look at the nanny's manner of speech and behavior.

Be prepared to evaluate the following qualities:

Punctuality
Politeness
Goodwill
Discipline
Honesty
Responsibility
Equilibrium
Accuracy

Of course, candidates with dirt under their nails, unwashed hair or a familiar demeanor should not even be considered

Pay attention to the amount of jewelry the potential nanny has: which ones do you consider acceptable ( wedding ring), and which ones can hurt the baby. Insist that the woman caring for your baby not overdo it with jewelry and decorative cosmetics: This may cause allergies in your baby.

What responsibilities does a babysitter perform?

First of all, discuss the list of responsibilities of your assistant. If you are wondering how to choose a nanny for a child under one year old, but at the same time you need help around the house, keep in mind that ideally two people should take care of household chores and the baby different people. Of course, some nannies agree to clean, cook, do laundry, etc. for a fee. But in this case, you must monitor whether the quality and quantity of child care suffers.

If you want to be sure that the nanny will perform her main responsibilities as efficiently as possible, do not burden her with unnecessary work. The nanny's immediate responsibilities as your assistant include:

Hygiene procedures
Feeding the baby
Walks
Health-improving gymnastics or massage
Developmental activities

Introducing the main characters

Be prepared for the fact that when choosing a nanny for your baby, you will have to hold many meetings with candidates for the position of your assistant. However, you should not plan a busy schedule: both you and your baby may get tired of an excess of emotions and unfamiliar people. Interviews will no longer be effective.

Watch how the potential nanny behaves with the baby: how careful and confident she is, how she reacts to the child’s whims, and whether she gets irritated. Do not hesitate to ask provocative questions while the candidate is working with the baby: how she would act in a given situation, what skills she has. On the first day, you should not pay close attention to the child’s reaction: it is completely natural that when meeting a stranger, the baby will be capricious.

Our subconscious captures much more non-verbal, thanks to which we can draw conclusions about the true intentions and character of a person. A carelessly spoken word, an insincere smile, excessive harshness or, conversely, sweetness will tell your intuition that you should not trust such a person.

A candidate may have an ideal resume and reviews, fit all the requirements perfectly, but at the same time you do not trust this person and feel anxious at the thought that you will have to leave your baby alone with her, trust your intuition!

Trial by Combat

If you have decided how to choose a nanny for a child under one year old and discussed her main responsibilities at the interview, get to work. For the first few days, do not leave home: tell the assistant where the child’s clean clothes and hygiene items are stored, what to feed the baby, and introduce the employee to the peculiarities of the daily routine. Introduce the nanny to the baby's habits (favorite song, sleeping position, dangerous attempts to roll off the changing table). Ideal option A nanny's presence for two days during your normal daily routine is considered. Take a walk together along your usual route, show how you care for the baby. The nanny must accept and fulfill your requirements.

Before you leave for the entire time agreed in the contract, leave your contacts to the nanny, as well as the contacts of close relatives and neighbors. Discuss what to do in the event of an illness, leave the phone number of the local pediatrician or the children's hospital registry. Introduce the nanny into the circle of your walking friends: it will be easier for her to get used to the new environment, and for you to monitor her work.

Be sure to discuss the issue of who can be allowed into your home. Do not hesitate to make comments and set rules: you are putting into the hands of the nanny the most precious thing you have - your baby. The result of her work can affect the entire future life and character of the child.

Controlling the nanny

How can you tell if a nanny is coping with her responsibilities? It's simple:

Talk to your assistant when you return home. Watch how accurately she tells you about the past day, and whether she hides details.
Pay attention to what the baby looks like. Is he being capricious? Is he dressed in clean clothes, is he full or hungry?
How willing is the nanny to leave? workplace? Is she eager to escape or is she going to leave calmly, talking about the details of the baby’s behavior?
Stop by your home unannounced or ask someone close to you to do so. This way you will see everything that interests you.

Remember that choosing a good nanny is difficult, but it is possible, and the “Best of Nannies” service strives to help you find a nanny as quickly and easily as possible!

It's especially difficult for working parents today. The feeling of guilt that inevitably arises whenever you have to part with your child for the whole day is exacerbated in such situations. How can we calm ourselves down and should we do it? Who can you trust with your most precious possession?

Parents often find themselves hostages. Giving their treasure to the care of other people: teachers, educators, doctors, nannies - adults are reluctantly forced to trust and hope for the best. Parental anxiety and guilt for leaving our child with strangers is natural. I have come across various frightening stories: when nannies turned out to be thieves or alcoholics, which led to various unpleasant consequences, when teachers showed cruelty and violence, when children faced harassment even from family members. Camp, school, hospital, kindergarten, dacha and even your own home become the epicenter of dangerous and tragic events for the child.

You can force professionals working with children to collect a hundred certificates of sanity and non-conviction. This is unlikely to protect children, but it will definitely cut off romantics and ideological educators, who are often alien to any bureaucracy. You can not trust your child to anyone, keep him with you, thereby depriving yourself and his opportunity to fully live and develop for the sake of maybe a little more security.

Remembering the nannies and teachers of my children, I think that the best of them were those who seemed strange at first glance. They did not hide behind the guise of social desirability their positions and views, interests, they did not try to please in everything - they allowed themselves to be themselves, frank. This (of course, if their “oddities” do not go beyond the bounds of reason) allows you to better understand what to expect from a person. Although no one can guarantee in all situations, parents always have the following means of reducing anxiety:

Intuition and attention to what is happening;

Trust in your own child;

Open relationships with clearly defined rules and boundaries;

Courage and certainty is that parents are customers, trustees, and not hostages. This very feeling of being caught, of powerlessness is a cause for anxiety;

Cooperation and mutual support with those who undertake the difficult work of raising and nurturing our children.

Firstly, most mothers still check their nannies for adequacy. Secondly, I think (you can check the statistics), damage with self-harm or murder is much more often committed by the parents themselves than by nannies, if only because the parent more often gets into a strong state of passion, because his relationship with the child is very close and important. The relationship with the nanny is more detached, protected by the role, and there are more opportunities not to drive oneself to the point of passion.

Which nannies should you be wary of? A very restrained nanny - she gets used to very restrained feelings, and it is more likely that later her passion may burst when she gets into a stressful state. “As if” a very positive nanny is the same: this means she restrains the natural irritation that always manifests itself towards a child when he does not obey or is naughty. Nanny with big problems V own life, a nanny who is accustomed to suffering (if you underpay her or often let her down, and she doesn’t even get indignant) - there is a possibility that she will sharply move from a masochistic (suffering) position to a sadistic one. Which nanny should inspire more confidence? A nanny with good boundaries, with her own interest (to earn money normally), with love for children, but not the desire to “adopt” your child, with flexible emotionality, and normal reactions will be quite adequate.

You can probably look for a nanny in agencies, if they are somehow tested there, based on friends and recommendations. And, of course, talk yourself.

The situation is really scary. On the one hand, we all walk under God, anything can happen to each of us, anywhere. We can walk down the street and we will meet a person who has now suddenly gone crazy. Or we could be hit by a car driven by a completely sane person. Anything can happen, and in this case the event is definitely an accident. A monstrous coincidence of circumstances. It is impossible to predict everything.

On the other hand, entrusting a child to someone is the biggest risk any parent can take. When we send our child to kindergarten or school, we also take risks. But in this case, some minimum guarantee may be the fame of the teacher or educator, or the reputation of the place where we send the child. Nannies are a much greater risk, because no matter what the good man, he can cause harm - and for this he does not have to be extremely bad or completely crazy. This person may simply be, excuse me, an inattentive “mug.” Yawn at the wrong time and miss the baby. After all, very often people are simply taken from the street without checking in any way.

The risk can only be reduced by training of nannies, their certification, and strict certification of agencies that employ nannies.

Training is not something academic and long. Nevertheless, it should be there. In England, older women, having retired and wanting to do something for themselves, go to work in hippotherapy centers. No matter how kind and wonderful they are, no one will allow them to work with children - especially those with special needs in health and development - without training. Let me note that we are not even talking about working as hippotherapists, but about the position of assistant therapists. They undergo training for several weeks, then pass an exam, and only then are they allowed to work.

Over the twenty years of the center’s operation, many parents have approached us who needed to train a woman with whom they had agreed to care for a child with autism. We interact with such candidates for quite a long time, include them as observers, first in group lessons, then in individual ones, we look at how the nanny reacts to the child, whether her reactions are adequate to the child’s behavior. Children with autism can sometimes bite and hit; the nanny needs to be prepared for this and react calmly. Only after several weeks of training and observing the nanny can we tell parents - yes, the nanny is suitable, she can be with your child. And it is right! Nannies must take courses, must pass exams, and must be observed for some time in a team by experienced teachers and psychologists. And in an amicable way, yes, they should receive a certificate from a psychoneurological dispensary.

Of course, certified nannies will cost more. But the degree of risk is monstrous! How can I console my parents now? Can we tell everyone else: don't worry, this is an isolated incident? Unfortunately no. We need to understand what we are risking - the most precious thing, our own children.

I am categorically against “wild” nannies, no matter how good they may seem. If you hire such a nanny, do not hesitate to install cameras - just warn the nanny in advance, this is required by law: we are worried, don’t get us wrong, but there will be video surveillance at home. If the nanny is not satisfied with such conditions, look for another one.

Not a single child will study if he does not have to take exams, and not a single adult will work if the payment for his work does not at least indirectly depend on the result of his work. Nanny is no exception. Once you hire a reliable employee, you should not delude yourself that he will do his job conscientiously without any control from the employer.

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Million Dollar Actress

Let me give you an example that is etched in my memory. Once I needed to find one outside the Moscow Ring Road sports complex. Outside the city, finding something at an address is much more difficult than on the streets of a metropolis, so I often had to stop the car, turn my head and ask for directions. The search led me to the territory of a closed cottage community, where I noticed a stranger with a little girl. They were walking next to the playground. The little girl shyly asked the woman about something, to which she answered every other time, with irritation, and looked at the girl with cold eyes, almost with hatred.

“Surely this is a nanny, and not a mother or a relative,” I thought and began to watch her. “How can you hate your job so much?”

Suddenly the woman’s phone rang. Mid-sentence, she stopped the dialogue with the baby, took out her mobile phone and answered. Chatting merrily, she moved along the path, and the girl remained standing in the same place, kicking the melted spring snowdrift with her boot. The woman turned around, looked at the girl, waved to her, but she did not react, engrossed in what she was doing. Then the nanny returned with a quick step, sharply pulled the baby by the hand and dragged the three-year-old child along the road like a sack, without interrupting the telephone conversation! I shook my head and moved on.

Photo by Getty Images

Chatting on the phone, the nanny moved on, but the girl remained standing on the road, kicking a snowdrift.

About forty minutes later I had to return the same way, and I noticed them again. Just at that moment a beautiful sports car was driving into the village, so that I had to step aside to let the car pass. The sports car was driven by a blonde, and when the nanny saw her, her face changed... Buddha himself would have been jealous of such rapid enlightenment! She smiled at the girl, began to turn her head and show her something in the direction of the forest, squatted down, straightened her cap, then picked up the child in her arms and sang a song about a bear cub. She probably would have started dancing, but at that moment the blonde drove right up to them and rolled down the driver's window. The nanny pretended that only now she noticed her mistress and squealed to the whole village: “Oh! And this is mommy who has arrived!” – and started chattering about how they had a good time on the walk.

I stood spellbound, unable to tear myself away from contemplating the miracle of spiritual transformation, but then the security guard turned to me with a request not to create a traffic jam. And I left, which I still regret to this day. It was necessary, of course, to show parental solidarity and tell the blonde how her child was being treated while she was not looking. I don’t know how the girl’s mother would have reacted, but if I were her, I would only thank the caring passers-by.

Trust and verify

There is probably no employee who behaves the same way in the presence of his boss as he does alone. But for some nannies, the difference in behavior is so great that even I, an experienced person in this matter, feel uneasy. Therefore, it is very important to monitor the work of the nanny. There are many ways of unobtrusive control. This could be a personal check of the day’s work results, a video surveillance system installed in the apartment, or spontaneous visits to places where “Mary Poppins” does not expect to see her parents. The main thing is that you should not watch the nanny in a place where she herself easily understands that she is being watched and plays a role for the public.

There is one more important point which concerns control - watch how the nanny follows the daily routine. Please note that not all employees are able to properly organize their work time. Even with a small number of obligations entrusted to the nanny, you can return home in the evening and see a completely exhausted woman who has not completed half of the planned tasks. It's better to take the planning process into your own hands: make a schedule for your children and post it in a visible place. That's exactly what I did. And when I saw how our nanny was rushing around the house, grabbing at everything and leaving half of the tasks unresolved, I made a schedule for her too. The result was not long in coming: the woman began to spend much less energy, and her “efficiency factor” immediately increased.

Drawing up such a plan will not take much time, but you will get rid of headaches and understand how adequate your requirements for a nanny are. For example, suddenly you, without realizing it, expect her to prepare soup in 15 minutes or have time to take two children to classes that start at the same time, but are located at different addresses. Conversely, the nanny’s complaints that she spent an hour ironing three children’s T-shirts and was very tired will no longer evoke your sympathy.

To summarize, I would like to advise parents to be sure to keep the work of nannies under control, because they are dealing with the most valuable thing we have - our children.