What to do mom controls every step. What's wrong with mother? Instills guilt and tries to control the lives of adult children

Hello. I am 20 years old, I am a full-time student at the university in the 3rd year. I don't work - I can't connect with my studies. I live with my mother, and my father died when I was 9 years old. The problem is that my mother constantly controls me in almost everything: She always finds out how many couples I have at the university, what time I will return home. He calls the dean's office to inquire about my progress (although there are no problems with this). When I go out with friends, she demands that I say with whom I am going, where and what time I will return. A little over a year ago, I started dating a girl and try to build a serious relationship, and in the future, start a family with her. Briefly about the girl: She lives alone in a rented apartment. not from my city. He studies with me in the same group. I don't know why, but my mother dislikes her. When I talk to a girl on the phone, he tries to find out what the conversation is about. And if he hears that we are swearing (Not always everything is smooth and sometimes does not work out without quarrels.), Then he immediately begins to express his thoughts to me on this matter. The conversation consists of approximately the following phrases: "She's twisting the ropes out of you." "She bewitched you," etc. When I'm going to stay with a girl for the night, my mother says that I don't live at home anymore. I always leave for a girl depressed. And when I return home the next day, I hear from my mother: "I came so late, I am not at all interested in what is happening to me, suddenly I died." And a favorite phrase: "You don't live at home at all." For the New Year holidays, my girlfriend's parents invited me to their home, in the village. So mom doesn't let go. Tried to find out calmly why she doesn't want to let me go. After all, I'll just sit at the girl's house for a couple of days, in fact, I won't even need to go anywhere. But in response again the "old song" about love spells, etc. I do not know what to do? After reading various forums and books on psychology, I realized that this is the so-called "invisible umbilical cord". But how to "break" it peacefully? What to do to avoid a major quarrel with tantrums, tears (And the mother constantly cries when it comes to this). I love my mom, but it's time for me to arrange my life. On this basis, conflicts with the girl appear. And I'm spinning, as it were, between two fires, not knowing where to go and what to do. I understand everything - I am financially dependent on my mother. But in this particular situation, I am not asking for money for a trip to the village, since the girl's parents organized it themselves. I just need to get on the bus and arrive. I don't see a tragedy in this. But my mother obviously disagrees with my opinion. I hope very much for your help. Thanks in advance and for taking the time to read this scribble.

Parents try to manage the lives of their children, not realizing that they are putting their own mistakes and programs ahead, crippling the fate of their children ...

Let's start by looking at what manipulation is. Why are you being manipulated by all and sundry?

Why do we sometimes so easily submit to someone else's will?

The desire to be needed by someone or the desire to belong to this or that group, is it nothing but the FEAR OF THE PERSONALITY?

Especially often we find ourselves in the shackles of manipulation by our parents.

At almost every consultation, one of the main questions is: "What to do with MOMA?"

Parents try to manage the lives of their children, not realizing that they are putting their own mistakes and programs ahead, crippling the fate of their children.

Adults: Doctors and teachers, engineers and musicians are trapped in the manipulation of their own loving mums and dads.

Let's try to consider in more detail,what is manipulation really?

Manipulation is influencing a person by distorting information, acting out a feeling in order to make him do something, which often contradicts the goals and needs of the person being influenced (psychological term).

So, the point is that manipulation is the most common way in communication between children and their parents.

We simply do not know how to do it or are afraid, because we understand that we may not like the answer.

And usually, manipulations are completely sincere and that is why people succumb to them, not understanding how to behave.

Most often, in the relationship between parents and adult children, we observe manipulations such as BLACKMAIL “If you don’t do it, you don’t come back on time, you don’t part with this girl - I’ll have a heart attack, my blood pressure will jump.” And it jumps up, and attacks happen ...

What? Sound familiar? Perhaps YOU are doing this?

There is another great manipulation method: Offense - "Nobody understands how bad I am, I am very lonely (a) ...", "I did so much for you, and you! ...", "You don't even understand, leaving on vacation (getting married and so on), how much you hurt me! "

And then it is even more interesting: YOU ARE GUILTY - "I gave birth to you, such a difficult birth was, because of you I did not go to work, I did not marry because of you, I put my whole life on you ... - and you! .." and so on, and then, a list attached to it, which you don't do for your mom. Or your dad.

The offended person is silent, and only sometimes looks at you with a mute reproach. Or he does not look in your direction at all, which is also hard for children. Even if they are adult children.

Feelings of guilt are the surest way to get an adult child to do what his parent needs.

And the funny thing is, they stop eating. But just when you look. HERE, I WILL DIE OF HUNGER, says their entire silent look.

What? Sound familiar again?

Whatever you do, it will always be bad, but the other is sure to be good: with a neighbor, with a brother, with a nephew.

Constant criticism of children and the desire of those to deserve the love of their parents forces the latter to do everything or a lot of what the parents want.

I still remember how my mother told me: “What can you do? You are a fool in our family. Not like your older brother (math school with a gold medal). "

How I cried then!

I was 12 years old, and I still remember it.

My brother, a mathematician, has been dead for 10 years. He died of alcoholism, absolutely unable to find himself in that society.

All the time I remember that there were 4 of them, and today only one is alive.

It is a very sad statistics of lives that were cut short due to a complete lack of acceptance of oneself as a person, in those families where it was not possible to build relationships on direct communications (I don’t want to do it, please), negotiate, make compromises.

Everyone understands how manipulations work, but internal resources, honesty with oneself are not enough to refuse at least half of them.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents feel very sorry for their "old people".

They remember how much time and effort these people have invested in raising them, educating them, sacrificing their interests somewhere.

Often this realization comes when their own children are born, so they are ready to succumb to the manipulative behavior of their elderly parents.

It happens that it seems to adult children that their parents are just perfect, they did everything to make him, a child, happy, which is why he has no right to his own life.

Once my mother told me this phrase: "What right do you have to live for yourself?" Amazing, right? I remember that I was simply amazed by the fact that living for oneself sounds, in her understanding, like a betrayal of everyone else. It's just a COLAPSE of consciousness. I cannot describe it in another way.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents are usually overly emotional, oversensitive, overly insecure, do not feel their worth, depend on the opinions of others and on their approval.

Such people constantly blame themselves for everything, avoid conflicts, confrontation.

The inability to say NO haunts them all their future life. Very often they unconsciously play the role of "victim".

The difficult thing in such a relationship is to interrupt the usual way of interaction:

• accused, offended - felt guilty,
• blackmailed - scared.

Stop giving the opportunity to manipulate you. Believe that parents themselves can do and experience a lot.

We are talking, of course, about those parents who still take care of themselves, are in a sober mind and good memory.

The most difficult thing is to keep the relationship, do not cut off on the anger that has accumulated over many years. Since all manipulations are deposited with us in the form of huge blocks and layers in our mental body, on our heart and on our MANIFESTATION.

But it's even harder to give yourself the right to live your lifethe right to refuse when blackmailed, manipulated, not to abandon oneself when parents reject it for the fact that an adult child stops playing the games of his elderly parents.

Learn to be aware of our own manipulations, to find out the needs that lie behind them, and to express them openly and honestly.

I'm not even talking about the fact that we have no right to allow ourselves to consciously use manipulations if we want to find love and harmony in life.

Remember: no even the most "higher" goals can justify manipulation... And let's learn to focus on ourselves and our own needs!published. If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the specialists and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we are changing the world! © econet

Hello, I'm completely confused. It so happened that my mother controls me all my life, sometimes up to
the smallest details. She cares about all aspects of my life. Everything is really EVERYTHING without exaggeration. For instance,
after talking on the phone, she asks who called. An SMS arrives, she asks who is writing and why.
I correspond on social networks, she asks who I communicate with. And I'm eighteen years old ... But it's not her
worries. Her own life and her interests are minimized: she does not like her work, nothing
is carried away, watches everything on TV, is always unhappy with her relationship with dad and finds fault with him
about and without, arranges tantrums.
But she takes an active part in my life. She has a teacher's education, and when I was studying in
school, she specially came to work in the same school in order to control me in everything. She didn't even
let me go on school trips, moreover, she inspired me all my life that I was not like all my
other peers, that with my incapacity it will be difficult for me in life, and therefore I must in everything on
rely on her.
When adolescence, full of adolescent complexes, passed, I realized that this was not so. I have repeatedly
asked her to stop giving me such close attention, but it was useless.
She seems to know everything about my life, but at the same time she knows nothing. I can't trust her, she just
dictator, she never asked my opinion on anything. Often when we are in a store with her (for example, clothes)
We buy something for me, the sellers ask her: "Does the girl herself like it?" Indeed, why should I
to ask...
I graduated from high school, entered the university, and I had a young man. I really like him, I like him too, but I
I can't imagine what I can tell a mother like mine about him. I do not think that I have a bad mom, but I am her
I'm afraid, I'm afraid.
A couple of years ago I had a boyfriend from my own school. Mom then arranged an interrogation, asked friends
teachers, what a boy, she constantly tried to turn me against him, only SUSPECTING him of something, even
despite the fact that her teacher friend, who taught my friend, spoke positively of him. but
after a few months I stopped liking this young man, but this had nothing to do with my
mom. But when I told my mother that we parted, my mother was delighted and also reproached me that I
threw this "goat" too softly, but it was necessary to make him more painful. And despite the fact that this boy is for me
did nothing wrong! We just broke up because we are very different, but it was not our fault ...
And then she found out that I had another boyfriend, we often corresponded on the network, and my mother constantly
threatened me that she would forbid me to use the Internet at all and controlled me in everything.
Control reached the point of absurdity. When I was at a friend's birthday party, she constantly called me, it is not clear
why ... This is usually the case. She just doesn't want to let me go anywhere. Recently traveled on business
to draw up documents, my mother did not want to let me go alone and made a tantrum. But I went alone, and,
Imagine, she asked me if I can navigate the subway normally. Does she think I'm an idiot? I am everyone
day I go to the university at the other end of Moscow!
When I was in school and once left home early and refused to go in the morning with my parents in a car,
She shouted at me right in the middle of the street: "Bastard!" And that's just because I just prefer
walk, not by car. And there were many such cases with me.
And how can I tell such a mother that I am dating a young man? A reasonable question - is it worth it?
Maybe not, but I have to, because I always tell her fairy tales as I go to visit my friends
etc. And my young man lives in the suburbs, he has a very far to go, and we meet on
outskirts of the city. And what will my mother do to me when she finds out about this? I just can't imagine. And also once
I saw my classmates in the photo and said that the boys in our group all look somehow
an adult. Brad, what else should guys look like at 18? And my boyfriend is 20, and my mother can
react as you please, completely unpredictable.
I also cannot lie forever where I disappear. Constantly twitching, so as not to be caught on the phone
talking with a friend. This is stupid, especially because we don't have a serious relationship, I have to
it is not known what to hide at all. And most importantly, I do not understand why and what terrible I am doing: I don’t go to night
clubs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I just sometimes go to the cinema, cafes, etc. with friend. We haven't even kissed yet, but we
as if we like each other, and he looks after me and cares a lot about me, we have many common interests, and
we helped each other many times. My psychological state is further complicated by the fact that I have never
could talk with my mother about the relationship between a man and a woman. I'm happy that I now have
a wonderful friend, but, in general, I am psychologically very tense, and the fact that my mother interferes in everything sets
a bunch of questions, it became even more annoying. I am on pins and needles 24/7.
And how can you hide it forever? For example, my boyfriend's birthday is coming soon, but I need
will give him at least a symbolic gift, you still need to ask your mother for money. And how can I
explain your "disappearance" every weekend? Don't lie forever. It's all so stupid ... Introduce mom to
I can't be a friend yet. The guy may take the idea of \u200b\u200bmeeting his parents as a transition to the next
stage of relations, and such an initiative is now inappropriate. And right now, and even more so I can't, we have everything only
begins.
I don’t know how to talk to my mother. More precisely, she can simply refuse to speak and immediately throw a tantrum. I
just completely confused ... Mom's dictatorship, control in everything and her indifference to my requests to understand that I already
I grew up a long time ago and learned to do everything myself, but in fact I already know how to do a lot myself. What to do,
I do not know, please help me, I am very bad.

Betty, age: 10/30/2012

Feedback:

Hmm ... Yes, your situation is not easy, not easy ... My mother also often controls me, she always wants to know where I am and with whom. And she buys things that she likes, not me.
It's better not to talk about the guy yet, come up with excuses, and someday later, if the situation is convenient, you will. And about the gift, you can say that some friend has a birthday.

Lisa, age: 16/02/2012

Probably, the way out is somewhere in the golden mean, to bring the situation out of the extreme point in which it is now. You definitely need to win back from your mother the right to build YOUR OWN life, it just may not be at once with leaps and bounds, do not immediately bring down the guy and his 20 years old, and meetings on the outskirts ... You definitely need to meet, get to know each other, look for your happiness. Treat what is difficult for you now as the beginning of a new stage in life. Yes, this NEW showed you its bad sides, but you understand that there will be both good and just great !!!

nasyus, age: 31 / 03.11.2012

Betty, your situation is not easy.
And I wrote a lot, but the end of your letter, I see, coincides with the picture "How to improve relations with parents." Yes, this is generally a whole science, because in order to improve it is necessary to strive on both sides. and not just one. One-sided "improvement" is much more difficult. It is difficult for me to advise something. But I can recommend some psychological protection.
In general, you need to weaken the thread of dependence on your mother in the psychological sense, first of all, in the material sense, too, as I see you have a need.
Behavior like your mom's is called codependent. You can additionally search about them.
In my opinion, you are doing everything right, but you still have fear inside you, there is no such confidence, freedom, which would allow you to speak with dignity with your mother. As long as she constantly feels your fear, she will manipulate you.
Accept the behavior of your mother as her illness, that she is like an invalid of her time, what influenced her so much, what happened is not your fault, children should not be involved in the upbringing and correction of parents. Here is the code you will have no fear. but there will be confidence. She should already start to change, slowly, slowly.
Then look on the Internet for ways to get rid of rudeness, there I think some tips will be useful for you. And I do not want to say about the sharpness of the tongue here, but so that I understand when you are under manipulation.
I am very pleased to hear about the good and dignified attitude of the MCH towards you. Very nice. It seems to me that if he finds out about what kind of mother you are, that she is your teacher, she likes everything to be under such control, then in principle he will understand, I think he will have courage and maybe even more you will accept with his heart. Although I can be wrong, if I judge by myself. Your female intuition should tell you the right decision.
In general, mom needs to be made clear, not in words, but with your persistent and dignified behavior, that you need to build your life yourself so that it is more pleasant to you, otherwise the feeling of happiness will not come in any way. Living under the sword of Damocles, constantly being afraid of everything and everyone is not an option. And in principle, if a guy understands you, then you can enlist his support, he can listen to you and comfort you, so only there will be more confidence when you discuss everything with him. But now you do not know how to do what, how to act, all in doubt and in such a torn state.
How few of you girls are now that without bad habits, beautiful and smart, I think guys now appreciate these, he will not leave you if he really is. And the fact that you are talking about the similarity of interests and repeated mutual assistance is a very good foundation for true love, to which this site is also dedicated.
Just accept the fact that your mother has an illness, like a small child, at whom you should not be offended, angry, you should not feel fear and humiliation. The dignity of a girl lies in this, too, to be feminine, and not to be always and in everything in a subordinate position. Talk to mom with dignity. And one more thing: when a person shouts, he shows that he is weak. He cannot speak calmly, and it seems to him that in this way he will be taken seriously. But how not to regret those who have such weaknesses?
I wish you all the best so that everything goes well for you. Write here if anything, it's just that no one has written anything here yet. you never know something will be incomprehensible to you.

If your mom constantly interferes in your life, and any attempts to set boundaries end in her resentment, then this article is for you. In it, we will talk about what makes your mom always control you and give advice on how to fix a bad relationship without validol, pressure surges and heart attacks.

What makes your mom constantly in control of your life

There are two main reasons:

1) Mom still considers you a little girl who needs to continue to take care of.

She does not realize that her role in the game is over, and is afraid to admit her uselessness. At the same time, he sincerely believes that such care brings you great benefit, and is offended when you refuse to accept this care.

2) Circumstances forced my mother to break through in life, this formed a rather tough, authoritarian character.

She always knows what's best and demands unquestioning obedience. Most likely, the situation has changed long ago, but the character has remained the same.

And if she has no other interests in life, except for you and your family, then the situation only gets worse.

Mom's reaction when daughter tries to loosen up interference

When you decide it's time to act, remember - the relationship between mom and daughter cannot change dramatically.

The mother will resist and various means will be used.

Read an example from the Internet, does this story really not touch you? Which side will you take?

In this example, the mother's reaction to the fact that her daughter has limited interference in her life is clearly visible: high pressure when her daughter came to wish her a Happy New Year, and resentment that she was not left with her.

In addition to health problems, when trying to limit control, both shouts and reproaches: "I gave you my whole life ..." and complete ignorance with a demonstrative entry into the "black list" on the phone can be used.

All this can be called a rather harsh word "manipulation". Mom uses them to make you feel guilty, and then stop trying to "win a place in the sun."

Moving on to practical action: reduce control, but avoid bad relationships with the mother.

Stage 1. Understand yourself

Take a look at yourself first. Perhaps you really behave like a small child, and the mother's behavior only reflects this.

Understand that to get out of control you need to be truly adult and independent.

In a relaxed environment, analyze how the conversations with your mom are going. Do you ask your mom how her day went? Or are you just talking about yourself?

Stage 2. Get to know mom

Look at your mother as a stranger.

It will be useful for you to find out those difficult situations that were in your mother's life. Dad, grandmother, other relatives can become a source of information, you can talk to mom, just carefully.

For example, as a child, you were seriously ill, and your mother made a lot of efforts to heal you. And further along the knurled one - put on a hat, do not wet your feet - you can continue the list yourself. Caring, caring, caring ... And now my mother cannot stop.

What will it give? You will not be prejudiced against her behavior.

Stage 3. Negotiations

You have found the reasons and you know what to tell your mom. Then, for a start, try to tell her how you saw her life from the outside. And then move on to why you think she continues to patronize you and constantly monitors you.
At this stage, there are two possible ways of developing events:

• You will understand each other and will look for joint solutions to the problem.
• Negotiations will come to a standstill, mom will not hear you and will move on to "manipulation". In this case, you go to stage 4.

Stage 4. Have patience

Remember how you taught your child a skill, for example, eating with a spoon: patiently, repeating the same movements many times - how long did it take you?
How many years did your mother live with thoughts of you and your life?

It will not be possible to wean her from this dramatically. Therefore, we reserve our patience. And even more than in the case of a child, because retraining is always more difficult than teaching.

Stage 5. Gradually moving to new rails

1. Don't cut the time you spend with your mom, but increase the number of common topics of conversation (news, weather, neighbors, her health) and reduce the discussion of your life. At the same time, do not enter into polemics in general issues, support the opinion of your mother.
2. If you constantly call or write to your mom about where you are, then it's time to start reducing the number of "reports". Also, start small: first, reduce the number of calls (sms) by one, then by two, etc. But be sure to warn about this in advance, referring to external circumstances. For example: "Mom, today I cannot call you from work at lunchtime, because my colleagues and I are having lunch in a cafe."
3. Learn to say “no” not categorically, but softly, with a joke. This “no” is less painful.
4. If mom has no interests, then remember what she was fond of, and pick her a hobby. If the lesson is for two - even better, then you will always have something to talk about.
   "Like like like." Ask your mom how her day went, what she did, ask her to report more often, where she was.
5. Let the bowl of control begin to outweigh in your direction, and then, perhaps, mom will think about how to get rid of interference in her life.

In order to weaken the control of the mother, you must first of all be a self-sufficient, adult woman. A fulfilling adult relationship between mom and daughter is the result of patience, sensitivity and understanding.

Let's discuss this topic: tell us about your relationship with your mom in the comments. What, in your opinion, is the most difficult thing in "defending your territory"? What questions did you have after reading the article? If you tried to loosen control, how did you do it and what results did you achieve?

Psychologist's answer.

Hello Svetlana. Your frustration with the current situation is easy to understand: your husband's mother is breaking the boundaries of your family, regardless of the feelings and wishes of your adult couple. On the other hand, she is right about something, and adult children should take care of their parents, especially if they feel the need for it. Therefore, the best option would be to negotiate with the guy and come to some kind of compromise. For example, he has every right to devote a certain time to caring for the mother - decide in advance when, how much, etc. It would be better if you also participated in this, it will bring you closer, strengthen mutual understanding and mutual support. Otherwise, now he, most likely, feels himself between two fires, sees an emotional “threat, danger” from both the mother and yours, is afraid of offending both you and his mother, in other words. And the rest of the time, he may not feel guilty if he does not answer every mother's call or runs at her every call - he devotes a sufficient and reasonable amount of time and attention to his mother.

The painful need for attention from your boyfriend's mother and his fear of offending her speaks of the emotional interdependence of both of them. This is a tricky situation and it will take all your patience to teach your boyfriend to be more independent and his mother to be less demanding. A good argument in favor of reducing the need for attention from the boyfriend's mother can be not only your boyfriend's concern, but yours as well - thus the “burden” from your boyfriend will be removed, and some of it will be transferred to you, but you will get a like-minded person in the person of your mother a guy who will be interested in your relationship with her son. Try to call her yourself, find a common language with her, win her over, convince her that your relationship is not a threat to her: her son will remain her son. Perhaps then she will become calmer over time and will “tug” your boyfriend less.

But first, answer yourself a question, do you really like your boyfriend the way he is at the moment? Do his merits outweigh his demerits, or are you evaluating not his present, but what he could become? It is not known in advance whether you can "re-educate" him, so first of all look at what you liked right now. Is it worth your efforts or whether you need to behave in a completely different way, more harshly and categorically - or he changes his behavior immediately, i.e. chooses between you and the mother, but in this case you have the risk of being left either without a boyfriend, or with a boyfriend who will constantly reproach you for “leaving him without a mother”. Just weigh the pros and cons of what is more important to you, what you want.