Whether a man live unloved wife. How to live with an unloved husband? Advice from a psychologist, living with an unloved person
You can't live with the ones you don't love.
It is dangerous to live with the unloved.
After all, along the lie of the tip, sliding,
You get hurt, and in vain
You will blame the sky later
In what hurts you, and in blood
you will sprinkle someone else's thread,
What connected you not with you ...
And so through the ages
Wandering women and men
Past... life... flows... a river...
different effects of the same cause.
This amazing poem was written by Lyudmila Yachmeneva...
What pushes women into marriage with an unloved man? If we talk about external reasons, then the answer is obvious: firstly, the instinctive need to create a family and give birth to a child. No matter how highly organized we are, instincts have power over us, and therefore nature sometimes “requires” procreation.
Not every woman manages to "agree" with this requirement. But love has not yet happened or failed, another has not come for it. And if a woman is already under 30 or over 30, then she often begins to think that maybe nothing is worth waiting for at all. As a rule, the one who is in love with a woman and seeks her, or the one who considers her just suitable, and strong feelings are optional, falls into the role of a candidate for husbands.
Medicine has long proven that women who, for whatever reason, are forced to live with an unloved person, sooner or later get a whole bunch of diseases. All of them belong to the category of psychosomatic: hypertension, stomach ulcers, bronchial asthma...
It is difficult to imagine a person who wants to go through life with an unloved man or an unloved woman (marriages of convenience do not count). But here's the paradox: situations where it turns out not the most expensive person, but “friend or foe” person, are found all the time. And it doesn’t matter how it all began - with delusion, passion or love - if the bottom line is only a bitter aftertaste of the words “not mine”.
Top 5 reasons why we don't leave the ones we don't love
1. Self-doubt
2. Unwillingness or inability to solve everyday problems
A lot of questions arise during a divorce: from where to live, ending with the redrawing of the budget and the division of property. The financial dependence is especially painful for housewives with small children, who cannot count on a large share of the property or the help of loved ones. However, any transition down the social and property ladder is a big blow to pride. It is always easier for passive people with the psychology of a dependent to remain silent and endure family troubles.
3. Guilt and pity
The calm nature of the spouse, his forgiveness and boundless love may well become a reason for self-flagellation like "He (she) is an angel, and I am a heartless bastard." True, over time, even boundless love can cause dull irritation if it is associated with scandals. And if men more often feel guilty before their wife, parents or children, then women are more inclined to feel sorry only for their partner and present him as weaker than he really is.
4. Dependence on public opinion
The word "lonely" in our society is akin to the stigma of a loser. Therefore, it is not surprising that many marriages do not break up only because of the opinion of the mythical "Marya Alekseevna" - a hundred-headed monster with heads in the form of relatives, colleagues, friends and gossips under the porch. Here everyone chooses for himself what is best: to maintain the deceptive image of a happy family man or to start creating it from scratch.
5. Common children
Children usually have a hard time breaking up mom and dad. But, having matured, they often reproach the parents who pulled the hateful strap of marriage precisely for the fact that they did not divorce on time. Staying with an unloved person just for the sake of a child is wrong. Children perfectly feel the depth of the abyss between their parents, get a distorted picture of family values and, in addition, they may later feel guilty for their unhappy fate.
It happens that, having lived a couple of years in a happy marriage, a woman discovers that her husband has become indifferent to her and is not interested either as a man or as a friend. What is this?
Crisis stage of family life. to be experienced? Or is love really gone? In any case, you need to understand yourself, because living with an unloved husband is hard, this can provoke an intrapersonal conflict that will be difficult to deal with.
After two or three years of marriage, the relationship between spouses changes. Passion, vivid emotions gradually disappear, completely different feelings come in their place. This surprises and frightens many girls, they begin to think that they have fallen out of love with their spouse. In fact, this is not so, it’s just that love has acquired a different quality, and you need to accept that now your relationship has become stronger and calmer.
There are situations when a woman really stopped loving her husband. The reason for this could be resentment and disappointment. This happens in the family after the birth of a child. Cooling rarely happens on its own. And here the question arises: is it possible to live with an unloved husband? You can live for some time without feeling any feelings for your partner.
True, this situation is often complicated by the fact that a woman does not want to have sex with a stranger who has become her. This provokes quarrels, misunderstandings and conflicts. Sometimes indifference is replaced by irritation and even hatred. This is where mental throwing begins, developing into an intrapersonal conflict. Women often cannot make a choice: save their family at any cost or leave. And sometimes the cause of internal discord is a misunderstanding of whether there are at least some feelings towards the spouse. Maybe the cooling happened only temporarily?
There is an easy way to check if you still love your spouse. Imagine that he has another woman. What do you feel about it? Or imagine that he left forever for a distant country. Do you want to drop everything and follow him? If you are ready to fight for your husband, to run after him to the ends of the earth, then most likely your relationship has not fully exhausted itself. If you don't care, then love is gone.
When answering this question, people tend to take one of two extreme positions. The first sounds like this: "This is your fate, be patient." Adherents of the second point of view urge a woman not to waste her life, not torturing herself and another person and break off relationships.
Both are not easy to do. There are situations when a spouse is both gentle and caring, but still there is no love. And to leave it means to inflict a serious injury on a person, to offend and offend. How to proceed? First you need to analyze your feelings. If you are still together, what binds you? Maybe you are afraid of the impact of divorce on children. Or does your spouse provide for you, are you used to living in comfort and security and do not want to lose such a comfortable life?
Or maybe you still retain gratitude and respect, even if these feelings are hidden for the time being in the hidden corners of your soul? Or is the family for you a cure for boredom and loneliness? If you sincerely answer these questions for yourself, it will be easier for you to make a choice. View your relationship from the perspective of your global life plans. Think about whether the family, as it is, will help to realize your main dreams? From this point of view and try to make a decision. Emotions, conflicts are unlikely to help you. Before making a choice, you need to stop the scandals in the family. if they are, take a breather, perhaps leave for a while, if circumstances permit. Probably, in separation, it will be easier for you to understand yourself and your feelings.
And finally, the easiest way to understand how to live with an unloved husband. If, in spite of everything, you have maintained a trusting relationship with your spouse, then you should just sit down and talk heart to heart. It may not be possible to talk about love, but it should become easier for you. Tell him in a soft way what you feel, do not be afraid to offend him.
Your incomprehensible cooling and detachment, which you do not explain in any way, cause much more pain. Think together if you can somehow change the situation. Most importantly, do not blame your chosen one, just
My advice: Remember the saying "Love your neighbor as yourself" We are loved exactly as much as we love ourselves. Happiness can only be given by those who force themselves to be happy. After all, it does not depend on anything. I opened my eyes in the morning, thank God for everything I have, for the opportunity to live another wonderful day in this world! To begin with, to expel all resentment from the soul, nothing can be worse, resentment is the worm that sharpens and destroys a person from the inside. Following the resentment, anger, irritation, hatred will settle in the soul. You can change someone only through yourself, and the hardest work is work on yourself. The people around us are a reflection of ourselves, our shortcomings. We just need to learn to see it! If God wants to make us happy, he leads us on the most difficult path, simply because otherwise we would not appreciate what comes into our lives.
Having lived with my husband for nine years, I corrected the most important flaw in myself - resentment. I was offended so often, I was a step away from a psychiatric hospital, the thought of tightening the noose around my neck, yes. what to remember was not easy. I spent a year of my life to learn to forgive and forget, I patiently wait until my husband matures before a divorce, so that they let each other go with kindness. Everything in my life magically began to change, along with how I changed myself, I forced myself to fall in love with myself and be happy every day no matter what!
6 years married. used to love each other. Now we fight 7 times a day. I would love to get a divorce, but I have nowhere to go. bad relationship with mom. In other matters, I always think that she is completely to blame. I'm afraid to ask myself such a question. all of a sudden i really love it. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, I’m disgusted with him, he criticizes my every step. I find it easier to hate him. if I let these feelings come, he can hurt me every day
I have been living with my husband for 15 years. There are two children. For the last five years I have not lived but exist. He had never indulged in attention before, and now he does not notice at all. Never just hugged or kissed. Sex 1-2 times a month. And I'm always the initiator. He refuses me many times. This topic has already been discussed a million times. He always has some excuses, wants to sleep at night, hurries to work in the morning. She offered to get a divorce, but she didn't want to. I don't understand what is the reason. I am 32. He is 34. I seem to have a good appearance, I take care of myself. Sometimes even unknown men. nice attention on the street. I don't know how to live like this...
I am 60 years old, lived with my husband for 36 years. Children - 4. 3rd created families. The youngest is studying at an architectural institute. I'm scared. I am indifferent to my husband, I realized that I live with an unloved man. In retirement, I work as a designer. I like work. I try to do more of what I love. He annoys me. I see a void ahead. Children and grandchildren live separately. No matter what I do, he thinks I'm stupid. Although I like to read and travel. In all these 36 years he has not read a single book, but he has a good ear. We don't understand each other at all. We haven't had sex for a long time. I'm even ashamed. He has diabetes. I feel sorry for him. Over the years, we just got used to each other.
I also had this problem in my life, but I managed it. True, it took 4 years of life! But recently I came across this article. I read it and realized that I really did a lot wrong. We must live for ourselves.
From my own experience I know that it is quite possible to live normally with an unloved person. Only now this understanding came to me late. She was young and when she fell out of love with her first husband, she did not prevaricate and divorced. After a while, she married a second time without great love, but simply to be secure. And I've been doing great for 16 years. The question is - well, why did I spend my feelings and nerves for the first time on a person whom I then hated?
Thank you very much for the informative and positive article, we all probably face such problems throughout our life together. It seems that the feelings are gone, and the spouse has become a stranger, but around the corner a brighter feeling awaits us. But as the statistics show, few people are “trapped” behind that turn by happiness and joy. So is it necessary to strive for that turn? After all, this is to injure our beloved halves, our children, and ourselves, no less. Wouldn't it be better to try to improve relations in your own family, because family life is always work and creation!
We met, got to know each other, liked each other ... You meet, get to know each other, have a good time and, it would seem, everything is fine. So it seems at first glance. After some time, you decide to get married, everything goes according to plan ...
Wedding, honeymoon, gatherings of newly-made relatives are already behind. Ordinary, domestic family life began. It is she who shows the real picture of feelings. Unless, of course, initially there were no doubts about the latter. And if they were, then it confirms them.
To marry (marry), by definition, it is necessary only for your person (beloved, the best - as you wish). If at the beginning of the relationship there was no such opinion about the person, I have bad news for you.
As the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak said, touching on the topic of marriage and divorce: "Most people get married for any reason except for one true reason - to start a family."
I cannot but agree with him. Indeed, many people register marriages because: it’s time (age), parents (relatives) insisted, the girl got pregnant, it’s necessary (like everyone else), parents promised to buy an apartment, someone’s business is promising, it’s customary for normal people and so on - there are a lot of reasons, and they can be quite different.
So, normal people don't do that - they don't do that. They seriously approach the issue of creating a family as a separate, smallest, but comfortable cell of society. And this is accepted by people who are psychologically immature, unprepared, irresponsible for themselves and for their lives, infantile personalities.
If you are adequate, psychologically mature, mature and responsible for yourself and your life, then you will not marry just because: it’s necessary, your parents said, everyone does it, etc. And, moreover, you will not seek to officially (and not only) connect your life with a person just because it is good with him or even because there are no other candidates besides him. An independent and mature person is responsible for himself and for his every action, not to mention serious changes in his life. Infantile, frivolous, irresponsible and frivolous people are not capable of this - they choose what is simpler - and thereby shift their responsibility to others, allowing themselves not to think about anything and not to worry. But you still have to worry when problems begin - and they, as a rule, begin sooner or later ...
What to do in this situation? Of course, blame everyone else! And again, shift your responsibility and your mistakes to someone else. This is how mentally immature people think. Something doesn't work? So of course the wife does nothing (I have a less decent expression on my mind). Husband does not earn, drinks, walks? Yeah, he turned out to be a jerk, who knew ...
Closer to the topic - the described couple of examples are far from the only ones that exist, but they describe the essence - if something goes wrong, it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t stick, then the only one who does nothing is you. And the same with the jerk - I have not the best news for such a person.
No one is immune from mistakes, wrong choice, circumstances. No one is born initially absolutely mature, wise, responsible for his life and himself. They come to this. Over time, but come. And everyone has a different time. Of course, there are those who do not want to learn anything, do not want to change anything and let everything go by itself.
In the above situation (if any) there are two ways.
The first is to remain the way you are, constantly shifting responsibility for your life to others, while not forgetting to blame them for all your failures, somehow trying to live on, constantly complaining and blaming everyone around (the easier way, the usual for a person who is not ready to accept the truth as it is and begin to change).
The second way - it's more difficult - to face the circumstances and the truth, realize your mistakes, understand which decisions were wrong, what all this taught you and start changing yourself and your life - slowly but surely. Strive to be an objectively evaluating person - actions, deeds, decisions. Become an adult, independent of other people, adequately and soberly approach everything, begin to take responsibility for your life and every action you take. Gain courage and leave the unloved person, admitting your mistakes. Break off long-outdated relationships that bring nothing but negative emotions. You can continue the positive criteria for quite a long time.
Everyone chooses for himself.
But, returning to the topic of why you should not connect your life with an unloved person, I will continue.
Living with an unloved person is quarrels, scandals, resentment, omissions, unwillingness to develop and be better, constant reproaches, consolation in friends / girlfriends / alcohol, anger, hatred and everything that comes from this - everyone has different ways and manifests itself to varying degrees .
If at first it was good with a person, but there were no strong feelings - the best thing you can do is run away right away. Without looking back and without stopping. If, however, he was “lucky” to stay and tie his life with this person, then an obviously unenviable fate is expected. Everything is always good in the beginning. And there are no problems, none. But they start later ... When life comes into force, a person no longer wants to try for you and shows his true face. But he doesn’t want to try and work on relationships for only one reason - there is no love. Most likely, both on his part and on yours. At least on one side, for sure. Simply, it was convenient. So it was necessary...
And then the family life of two supposedly loving people begins to turn into hell. Not literally, but psychologically. It’s possible that it’s also physical ... It’s easy to define it - all sorts of garbage begins (I apologize for the not quite correct word) in the form of changed / swelled / does not work / yelled / cuts / hysteria / infuriates and all the like. It's best to leave at the first sign. Immediately and forever.
For people who really love and strive to protect each other in a relationship, this does not happen. They have warmth of feelings, care for each other, understanding, mutual support and, of course, true love. The real one, yes. It happens and is (although it is much less common). They had it first. And it goes on...
Of course, people who love each other also have problems in relationships, but because they love and appreciate each other, all problems, difficult tasks and situations are solved calmly and deliberately from both sides, everyone's opinion is taken into account.
His person, beloved and loving, will appreciate, cherish, take into account the opinion of a partner, love not only with a word, but also prove his feelings with deeds (by actions, whatever). And just such a person is worth waiting for - consciously and meaningfully, without clinging to dubious personalities on the path of life.
Life with the unloved (oops) is not a joy. This, I think, is known to most adults. I don’t know the author that I really liked the phrase: “Now you are 20, 30 years old and you have found a person to live together - this is certainly good, but think about when you are 50, 60 years old - will you wake up one morning with the thought that practically most of your life has been spent with an unloved person?Won't you understand that you don't love this person who lives and sleeps with you all the time, never loved and would not want your best years?" Something like this - I don’t remember verbatim now, of course, but I think that I expressed the idea. And one more: "Is the person who is with you now really your favorite or are you just filling a void with him?"
Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself such questions - it clarifies a lot, at least to yourself - for sure. After all, each of us knows exactly what he wants. Sometimes he does not pay attention to this or simply ignores his own desires due to circumstances.
However, I think everyone can draw a conclusion for themselves. And everyone decides for himself - with whom to live, how to live and with whom to connect his life.
Beloved person will or not - the choice is yours. But people make mistakes too. You can't live without mistakes at all. The main thing is to understand in time, draw a conclusion and take appropriate measures.
P.S. Mistakes are not terrible, their consequences and not taking measures to eliminate them are terrible. Learn from mistakes. They are needed for further development and understanding of how to act correctly in a given situation. It's not so bad to make a mistake as not to understand it.
Always do what you want, draw conclusions, change for the better and be with your loved ones.
There are many reasons why couples get into a relationship. Fear of loneliness is far from the last place on this list. Many people are afraid to stay in old age in an empty home and want someone to remember them after death. The family provides insurance and security. “To endure - to fall in love”, - so they say among the people. However, many psychologists believe that loneliness is by no means the worst option if relationships based on habit are on the opposite side of the scale. Today we will talk about why it is impossible to live with an unloved person.
Misconceptions about happiness
Society and modern culture have planted in the minds of many people the idea that single men or women cannot be happy. Before your eyes - an example of parents, more "lucky" friends. And they all vying with each other are interested in when to expect radical changes in your life. However, this view is fundamentally wrong. Just because you have another person next to you, you will not find happiness. For an ideal union with someone, one big condition is necessary - love. Imagine what happens if marriage is not based on feelings?
Lots of restrictions
By letting another person into your house, you limit your life, your rights, but at the same time you acquire additional responsibilities. Both of you will try to live according to the pattern, limiting your own desires and needs, just because it is accepted, and "everyone does it." On the other hand, you limit the desires and needs of the other person. Now you both have to adapt to each other. In such conditions, life without feelings is like hell, where each of the partners wants to be alone with himself in order to finally breathe freely. Realize that finding a partner is not the equivalent of success or a sign of entering adulthood. 
Relationships for the sake of relationships will soon run out of steam.
A lonely person is free to do as he wants, and he has the main thing: freedom of choice. Currently, as an alternative to the usual family lifestyle, there are several options for relationships at once. People actively practice unstamped unions, guest marriages and "love at a distance." It is worth forever linking your fate with another person only when you understand that you are making each other's life better. If your couple is haunted by conflicts and dissatisfaction, sooner or later such an alliance will exhaust itself.
New social connections
Relationships without love do not eliminate the need for regular meetings with friends or relatives of the partner. You will follow all these rules of etiquette, and it will be difficult for you to feel true sympathy for complete strangers. When a person is lonely, at any moment he can leave the party, citing urgent matters. Nobody will keep it. If he wants to communicate, he goes to a bar and talks to strangers there. And it does not matter at all whether he will see his new companions someday or not. He does not need to look back at his partner every time or catch the reproachful glances of his relatives. Either way, he won't hurt anyone's feelings. 
People living in megacities see several hundred faces every day, they may not consider themselves lonely at all. All doors are open to you, and there is no reason to tie yourself with a strong rope to a person who, by and large, is indifferent to you.
Relationships without love make people even more lonely.
When you want to choose a new thing, you carry several things into the fitting room at once. When you try on a model of someone else's ideal life, no one can guarantee that this model will fit "like a glove." Gradually, you will begin to feel that you exist in a simulated reality. This sensation leads to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Relationships themselves do not bring happiness on a silver platter. Probably no one warned you about this. Two people who live with each other is just the sum of two people. If you understand that there is no turning back, and your relationship is based on lies and deceit, you will feel much more alone.
No matter how courageous and brutal the representative of the strong half of humanity may seem to us, he is also not alien to a sense of fear. To leave an unloved woman means to start something new, it means to let changes into your life. And no one knows how these changes will turn out. It is the fear of the unknown that confuses men and often “chains” them to a woman. It may not sound very courageous, but honestly.
Lack of own housing
Not all men feel the need to “produce”, protect and take care of their women. There are also those who, due to various circumstances, live on the territory of the lady of the heart and do not feel any remorse about this. However, such men understand that if they break off relations, they will end up on the street with their oversized luggage. This will entail finding an apartment, spending on housing and a number of other problems. And do they need it?
Living at someone else's expense
And the previous paragraph smoothly flows into this one - when men "sit on someone else's neck." It is most convenient to sit on a woman's neck, of course. After all, love can be blind, which means that a loving woman will find a thousand reasons and excuses why her missus hasn’t got a job for a year, doesn’t help her family, and won’t even do basic cleaning around the house. And it’s good for a man: the life of a “lone wolf” is too expensive, but here, under the wing of an unloved, but caring woman, it’s quite cozy and warm. And I really don't want to fly away.
Familiar amenities
Marriage or cohabitation is not so important. If a man lives with a woman on the same territory, then, in most cases, he always has a hot lunch, clean and ironed clothes and a warm bed. Not to mention the fact that there is always a woman in the bed. It is psychologically difficult for a man to change this familiar feeling of comfort for freedom. And if he leaves an unloved woman, then he suddenly does not find his beloved, and then he will have to live alone? And cook alone, and wash / clean alone? “We humbly thank you,” the men say, “but we are well fed here too.”
Common children
Yes, many men really do not want to get divorced or leave the unloved woman because they have children in common. As a rule, men rarely think that the child's psyche will be more harmed by the fact that the baby will live in a family with unhealthy relationships and eternal quarrels than in a defective family. The fact remains: the presence of common children often "anchors" men, preventing them from starting a new life.
Low self-esteem
It is widely believed in society that self-dislike and low self-esteem are the prerogative of women. However, representatives of the strong half of humanity also suffer from such thoughts. And it is precisely such complexes that often serve as the reason why men continue to live with the unloved. Questions from the category “what if I don’t find anyone better?”, “What if I have to stay alone for the rest of my life?”, “Who needs me with such a salary / bald head?” force them to stay with those who are no longer nice to them.
established habit
It is generally accepted that “love lives for three years”, and over time, love subsides, passions cease to boil, and all former romance comes down to ordinary “everyday life”. Not all couples manage to keep love for many years of marriage, and in most cases, unfortunately, men (women also tend to this) stop feeling love for their chosen one. This feeling is transformed into a kind of habit for a woman, her sense of humor, behavior, manners. And even if not everything in women suits them, they think: “even if inferior, but their own, dear.” And they continue to live with the unloved, but such "usual".
My husband doesn't care about me and my baby My husband doesn't care about me
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