Mom is trying to control my life. Bossy mother

Hello. I am 20 years old, studying full-time at the university in my 3rd year. I don’t work - I can’t connect it with my studies. I live with my mother, and my father died when I was 9 years old. The problem is that my mother constantly controls me in almost everything: She always finds out how many classes I have at the university, what time I will return home. He calls the dean's office to find out about my progress (Although there are no problems with this). When I go for a walk with friends, she demands that I say who I’m going with, where and what time I’ll be back. A little over a year ago I started dating a girl and I’m trying to build a serious relationship, and in the future, start a family with her. Briefly about the girl: She lives alone in a rented apartment, because... not from my city. He studies with me in the same group. I don't know for what reason, but my mother doesn't like her. When I talk to a girl on the phone, I try to find out what the conversation is about. And if he hears that we are arguing (Everything doesn’t always go smoothly and sometimes it doesn’t work out without quarrels), then he immediately begins to express his thoughts on this matter to me. The conversation consists of something like the following phrases: “She’s making ropes out of you.” “She bewitched you,” etc. When I'm going to stay with the girl for the night, my mother says that I supposedly don't live at home anymore. I always leave for a girl depressed. And when I return home the next day, I hear from my mother: “I came so late, I don’t really care what’s happening to me, what if I died.” And my favorite phrase: “You don’t live at home at all.” Here on New Year holidays My girlfriend’s parents invited me to their home in the village. So mom won't let me go. I tried to calmly find out why she didn’t want to let me go. After all, I’ll just stay at the girl’s house for a couple of days; in fact, I won’t even need to go anywhere. But the answer is again the “old song” about love spells, etc. I do not know what to do? After reading various forums and books on psychology, I realized that this is the so-called “invisible umbilical cord”. But how to peacefully “break” it? What to do to avoid a major quarrel with hysterics, tears (And the mother constantly cries when it comes to this). I love my mother, but it’s time for me to arrange my own life. On this basis, conflicts with the girl arise. And I seem to be spinning between two fires, not knowing where to go and what to do. I understand everything - I am financially dependent on my mother. But specifically in this situation, I am not asking for money for a trip to the village, since the girl’s parents organized it themselves. I just need to get on the bus and come. I don't see this as a tragedy. But my mother obviously does not agree with my opinion. I hope very much for your help. Thank you in advance and for taking the time to read this.

Last time we talked about what happens when people have children to solve their problems. Read about the sad consequences of this approach here:

Now let's talk about what happens when there are already children, but the parents' problems have not gone away. They necessarily manifest themselves, get worse, and somehow ricochet about the child. And he doesn’t even understand that it’s not his fault. And he grows up with a damaged psyche.

Some people think: “Yes, I have my own troubles, but I won’t let them affect the baby! I read a lot of beautiful books about education, psychology, early development and I will do everything right”... My dears! IMPOSSIBLE! It is impossible to change your behavior without getting rid of neuroses and complexes. You cannot overcome yourself, you cannot force yourself to do this and not do that, to react this way and not that way, if you have an old psychological problem inside you (that’s why I don’t believe in the benefit of “psychological” literature). Neurotics are unable to control the emotions that roll over them - anger, resentment, disappointment, anxiety, fear - and they necessarily transfer them to someone who is always nearby and completely dependent on them - their child. And they make him into a neurotic. Yes! not on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Now about the norm. A mentally healthy parent is happy to spend time with their child. He does not obsess over his food, clothes, studies and is not so much involved in caring for him as he communicates, builds relationships, talks about everything in the world, with pleasure watching how a new personality grows and forms... He respects the individuality in his child, because he himself is a person with a wide range of interests. And such a parent’s child will not get sick if he gets his feet wet or doesn’t eat “hot” food; they don’t hide bad marks from such parents, they are introduced to friends and girlfriends, with whom the children share their problems and joys. But, unfortunately, healthy relationships are not the topic of our conversation. We are about the unhealthy.

Let's start traditionally, with moms. Depending on what happened in their own childhood and others individual characteristics, we get the following, for example, problematic types:

1. Aggressive mother;
2. Depressed mother;
3. Anxious mother;
4. Controlling mother;
5. Guardian mother;

If you think that you are all these types combined, then you are mistaken. (These are not all varieties, but a book is not enough to describe them all). But something still dominates. Choose.

1. Aggressive mother both deliberately and not intentionally frightens the child in the most different ways: spanks, hits with a belt, can hit you in the face, of course, yells in a scary voice, throws tantrums with breaking dishes and damaging other property and causing damage to yourself and others. Typical expressions:

How much can you talk?

If you again...

You'll be waiting for me now!

Are you dumb?

Are you crazy?

My patience has run out.

Result: children grow up either into the same aggressors, or into cowards (both out of fear). They are depressed, of course, they do not accept and do not love themselves, and much at that. If the boy’s mother has completely gone too far, then he will forever lose trust in women, or even become gay.

2. Apathy, constant fatigue from the child and, as a result, complete reluctance and inability to communicate normally with him. This is often a manifestation of postpartum depression. The mother wants to take care of herself, lie down to rest, or even cannot get out of bed all day. The woman feels locked in this situation, genuinely suffers and again takes it out on the child.

Typical expressions:

Leave me alone!

Go ahead and play for yourself...

Do you see how bad mom is?

Do you see that mom has no strength?

And my favorite: “Why did you come so early?”

Result: the child does not have the most important, basic factor for well-being - support from the mother and a sense of security. Such children get sick from a lack of tactile contact, touching, hugs; as they grow up, they constantly feel insecure, useless and out of place in this world... The tendency to depression is also inherited.

3. Maternal anxiety- one of the most serious problems and, in terms of consequences, perhaps even worse than aggression. But it’s certainly not easier. This is a mother who stands or lies at the end of the ice slide, with her arms spread wide, in order to catch the child along with the sled. For those who are anxious, everything in life is clockwise, their diet is exceptionally correct, healthy, balanced, and when there is a light breeze or a cold, the child is bundled up, as in the poem “Who is it that is covered in cotton wool blankets in bed?” Such mothers are the main patients of cardiology clinics; heart attacks and strokes plague them.

Typical expressions:

I'm afraid!

Mom is worried...

Don't go!

Don't touch!

Don't mess with me!

Get out of there!

Result: since the key words in the mother’s vocabulary are “I’m afraid,” her fears, without any NLP, fall into the child’s head. With all her behavior, his mother inspires him that the world is a complete danger, life is scary, people around him are only thinking about how to harm him. He grows up to be a frightened, distrustful, unadapted, hothouse flower. And fear of life is the biggest inhibitor to growing up, development, personal growth, and, in fact, to life itself.

4. Controlling They’re not afraid of everything, noooo - they’re afraid that something might get out of control. And we sincerely believe that EVERYTHING can be controlled. The main thing is vigilance! (What happens to them when it turns out that this is not so! A complete collapse of the worldview. But that’s not about that now)

The child’s freedom in this case is strictly limited, he has no free time, he walks only in those corners of the yard that are visible to his mother from the window, before the test he is woken up forty minutes earlier to repeat the material covered, his diary is studied with a magnifying glass, his mother she doesn't check the briefcase - she collects it herself!

Typical expressions:

Where are you going?

Why are you there?

Why i do not know?

Result: Having gotten used to the fact that there is always a higher authority and control over him, the child grows up lacking initiative, sluggish, often he cannot move at all without a “leash”, without valuable directions, instructions, all his life he will need to “consult”, rely on someone’s opinion , for someone's support and strength. He doesn’t have one of his own, or she’s depressed. “Anxious” excellent students and perfectionists come from the same place.

By the way, excessive control and mistrust on the part of parents can also cause drug addiction in children.

5. Guardianship and overprotection, the desire to do everything FOR the child is typical for those who devote “all of themselves” to the family; such mothers have no other interests and affairs - only care, feeding, ironing panties, washing socks. The ENTIRE meaning of life lies in the child. “Mom, am I cold? No, you want to eat” - this is about them.

Their baby has never made the bed, washed the dishes (or even put them in the sink), didn’t wash himself until he was 15, doesn’t know what he looks like Kid `s camp, and in general what the world looks like if his mother does not hold his hand tightly.

Typical expressions:

Will you have some compote?

Have you changed your T-shirt?

If something happens to you, your mother will not bear it.

Result: Growing up, overprotected children find themselves completely helpless in the adult world; they refuse or cannot leave their parents’ nest, do not know how to make independent decisions, and are unable to start a family, because they seem to remain children and often live “with their mother” until old age.

This is the situation with dads: About 90% of Russian dads believe that money is their contribution to family building, and at the same time raising children. It's called: "When he grows up, I'll take him fishing." Sometimes they sleep in the cinema while the children watch a cartoon. This is all. From time to time, when they are told to “go figure it out,” they pick up the belt and, as it seems to them, “figure it out.” Like security guards at a nightclub.

And okay, if the man in the family is such a Kutuzov, sleeping at the military council. It’s worse if tension arises between mom and dad, disagreements begin that they cannot resolve and spill out on the child. Outwardly, this is expressed in the fact that, for example, they argue loudly: should I toughen up my son or dress him warmer? Donate to football or violin? Let him finish his food or should I not feed him?

Don’t even doubt it: when there is harmony and peace in the relationship between parents, they first agree on all issues among themselves, make decisions together, and then peace is not disturbed for their children. Otherwise, parents play the role of bad (“father will come, he will show you”) and good (“well, our mother is kind, she will allow it”) investigator, trying to manipulate the child, thereby splitting his world in half.

Why am I doing all this?

If you recognize yourself in one of the listed maternal types and are interested in the well-being of the child, then it would be good to start dealing with your cockroaches. Try all these situations on yourself, admit that this is a pathology and work on it until it is completely eradicated. Although to cry, to feel like a bitch and a bad mother, to self-flagellate, wipe yourself off and continue in the same spirit - it is, of course, easier.

You understand - anger, a tendency to depression, touchiness, power, etc. - all this is not so scary! It’s scary if you know this behind you, are well aware of the consequences, but do nothing about it.

There is another catch here: in our country, the features of communal thinking are preserved. In other words: the main thing is what will people say? And the mother is largely guided by how her son or daughter looks from the outside, are they dressed in clean clothes, are their ears washed? Visibility and appearance are more important to her than mutual understanding, harmony in the relationship with the child and his healthy psyche. These suits with ties, these dresses with almost crinolines on three- to five-year-old children are terrible! Elegant packaging! Hence the hellish scandals over ice cream stains, stained jeans and holes in tights. What, exactly, is scary about all this?

“Correct” mothers! I responsibly declare that the damage from your hysterics about tattered sneakers, an unwashed apple or walking without a hat is much more serious than the danger of getting sick from hypothermia or infection... Relax and take care of your nerves - yours and your children's!

But more often than not, having vaguely realized the problem (which is already good), a person begins to worry, promise himself to improve and not do it again... well, he is definitely bothered by feelings of guilt, where would we be without it? But, my friends, guilt is not love. And the child needs exactly this, and in a pure form, unclouded by hysterics. And if you often take family situations to the extreme, namely to a scandal followed by stormy reconciliation, repentant sobbing, apologies and hugs, this is a neurotic nightmare and nothing more.

The only thing you can do here is to REFUSE the idea that circumstances are to blame for everything - a moron husband, a capricious child, a mother-in-law or your own mother, RECOGNIZE that it’s all about you and go to specialists. See a psychologist if your problems are behavioral, and a psychiatrist if you have clinical ones.

And you don’t need this: “Am I crazy?” Abnormal if you leave everything as it is and continue to enthusiastically disfigure your offspring. And worthy of respect if you try to fix everything. If not for yourself, then for the sake of your children.

Photo by Vladimir Sokolaev

Hello. My name is Violetta. I am 21 years old. Mom is 52. She raised me alone, it was very difficult for her. She does not have a very good relationship with her mother. I know that my mother loves me and wants what’s best, but I don’t have the strength anymore... She has no one and nothing in her life except me. Therefore, she is trying in every possible way to control my life - I still have to ask for time off to go for a walk and return home before 10 (and even earlier in winter). All my hobbies, my every step should be under her control. I don’t mind communicating, consulting, telling her everything, but she speaks in a commanding tone, often loses her temper, accuses me of all sins, says such terrible things... I remain silent and cry. This makes her even angrier. And she doesn’t like my boyfriend, although she knows how I feel about him... but she always says that nothing will work out with us... I understand that I’m not ideal, but I’m not against dialogue, she doesn’t like me can’t hear, I’m tired of trying. I used to worry terribly about every conflict, but now I almost don’t care anymore... and it scares me. What should I do? Leave home? Continue to be silent? Or start doing what I want so that the accusations are not in vain...
Rate:

Violetta, age: 21 / 08/04/2013

Hello, Violetta! Yes, it’s not easy when your mother behaves like this... Your mother has some kind of internal trouble that forces her to act this way towards you. Perhaps this comes from her childhood. Try to ask yourself: why does my mother behave this way towards me? What makes her try to control everything, what fears are the reason for this? Think about how to give her confidence, how to explain that there is no need to be afraid. You say that she has nothing in her life except you - so maybe you can help her switch, find something else? Get her interested in some interesting activity or hobby. On our website there is an article “Adopt parents”: - read it carefully, everything is said there much better and in more detail than it turned out for me. And, probably, it’s time to separate from my mother and look for a separate place to live - especially since the relationships in the family are somewhat unhealthy. Peace of mind to you!

Blue Bird, age: 24 / 08/05/2013

Firstly. Violet, you are already 21 years old, this is already a respectable age, and you have the right to do as you consider necessary, and without any reproaches of conscience you can do what you consider necessary, do what you consider necessary, and you can return home at least at 3 o’clock nights. As for establishing a good and comfortable relationship with your mother, because as I see it, this is very important for you too. To begin with, you are alone with your mother, and therefore she is simply afraid of losing you from her life, firstly because all parents are a little possessive, and secondly because if you leave, there will be no one left in her life, and this behavior is caused by fear of your distance from her. If she raised you alone, then imagine, it’s not easy for a woman to raise a child, earn money, be a housewife and solve everyday problems, you must admit it’s not easy, especially since she, in addition to all this, did not have the opportunity to have many flowers from her beloved, gifts, attention, etc. You yourself know how important a guy’s love is in life. Due to the fact that she has a bad relationship with her mother, she is trying to establish a good relationship with you, and is trying to give you everything that she thinks her own mother did not give her, and wants, with your help, to make up for the motherly love that she needs. could not be enough. As for how you should behave with her, I think the solution is the following: talk to your mother, and express everything that you wrote here, threaten, express your understanding for her, and show her sympathy (even if you don’t think so) to what she does for you, but say that if she doesn’t stop going too far, you will stop all communication with her. You will also have to show a lot of love for her, help her find a hobby, make old dreams come true and find company, and also show love for her (yes, I understand that sounds strange) but feel love for her, and try to give her love, just like on mentally, sensually, spiritually and in life. Feel genuine gratitude for what she did for you. I understand that this all seems wild and crazy, but I had problems in my relationship with my mother, and when I was advised to use this, I said that this was nonsense, but... it had a strong impact on our relationship, and the more and The more systematically I apply this, the more it improves our relationship with her and even my life. This tactic works very quickly, although there may be situations where it takes time to fully work. But thanks to this method, you can give happiness to yourself and your mother, as well as create a good relationship with her. After all, whatever one may say, relationships with parents are the most important in life, and have the greatest influence on us. Until we find harmony in our relationships with them, we will not be able to find harmony in life, this is the true truth.

Rina, age: 18 / 08/06/2013

Hello. Many mothers these days are engaged in intimidation of children. For some reason they think that fears keep children from making mistakes in life and misfortunes. But this is not true. Explain to your mother that intimidation does not give anything other than frayed nerves and loneliness. The most important defense against misfortunes and mistakes lie in raising a child. You must not shy away from evil uncles from childhood and be afraid of everything, but be such that you do not drink or smoke with them anywhere. Then there will be no consequences. Ask your mother - does she really doubt that much? How did I raise you and teach you nothing? Is she confident that she has instilled in you the moral standards necessary for life? Instill in her that your actions and life will depend on this, and not on fears for yourself. Add to this that fears and warnings about danger do not stop a person from doing anything if he is susceptible to any vices. No matter how a walking person he was afraid of HIV, he won’t stop walking because he can’t stop and refuse this way of life, and not because the Ministry of Health warns him everywhere. Ask her what she is afraid of. After listening to the answer, convince her - well, you know that I will never do that, I will never agree to that. You yourself taught me that way. Perhaps this the conversation will have to be repeated several times. be patient. To cope with the mother’s fear, you will have to spend a lot of time and patience. And more conversations, attention and gifts to the mother. Buy her something around the house and don’t get tired of repeating - you taught me this. This is your merit .and she will gradually calm down.

That's it. I read it and can’t believe it: all the symptoms are on the face. We read the continuation about “The Overbearing Mother”. It would be nice to read how to get rid of these problems.

Hello, dear subscribers!

The topic of relationships with my mother is very interesting to me. I return to it periodically. There are already previous issues that you can find on my blog “The Joys of Parenting”, section “Mother Factor” or in the archive of this newsletter.

Today I want to continue my research into the psychological type of the domineering mother. As my personal consulting practice shows, adult children of domineering mothers predominate today in the vastness of the former USSR. There was a time when being bossy and overly controlling was encouraged and even rewarded. As a result, many of us grew up under the watchful eye of over-controlling class teachers, teachers and mothers.
In adulthood, each of us reproduces the patterns of behavior that we adopted in childhood. The child’s psyche is already structured in such a way that it absorbs everything necessary for life with mother’s milk and not only with milk. The image of parents becomes the dominant stimulus for our adult behavior. Therefore, sooner or later, each of us has to clear away the “debris” of childhood and realize what is mine and what my parents contributed to my personality.

A new rapidly developing profession - psychotherapy - is studying such patterns of behavior and helping those who have decided to become an independent person and separate themselves and their “I” from their parents. There is nothing wrong with the fact that we follow our parents’ guidelines in life and repeat their habits. This is normal, it is natural, but it is not always effective and healthy. Our parents lived in a different time and acted according to the requirements of a previous era. They were flawless, they were perfect and very caring to the best of their ability. But the new trends of our time require changes: our old behavior patterns are already more a hindrance than a help to live a full life.
An adult who grew up under the watchful eye of an overbearing mother will most often suffer from relationships with others and feel bad in life. The syndrome, or the feeling that life has failed and is failing, haunts him daily and causes a lot of internal pain.

Psychological difficulties that people go through - children of an overbearing mother!

Depression

Exist different kinds and reasons depressive states. Children of an overbearing mother suffer most from the fact that they do not know how and cannot organize their own personality. They feel helpless in life, in communication, at work: they are often depressed and experience the hopelessness of their situation. It is difficult for such people to manage their emotions, behavior, plans, events, and make serious decisions on their own. Therefore, they live with a feeling of constant loss: loss of opportunities, relationships, finances... A person does not know how to dream and follow the thoughts of his heart, does not achieve what he wants and is very disappointed in himself and in people because of this. Those who grew up next to an overbearing mother have difficulty understanding their basic needs and cannot satisfy them on their own. Life most often carries such people adrift, and they easily succumb to this. Adult children of an overbearing mother are terrified of saying “no,” including to relationships that are destructive for them and therefore receive new traumas and new mental scars.

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

The biggest mistake an overbearing mother makes is refusing to teach her child responsibility for his or her life. Adult children of an overbearing mother acquire “conditional helplessness syndrome” and it is very difficult for them to realize their responsibility for themselves and their destiny. External events are perceived by these people as a powerful destructive uncontrollable force. Most of all, the will of children of an overbearing mother is not developed. They do not ask themselves what to do, but often ask themselves the anxious question of what will happen to me.

Fear and increased anxiety are the faithful companions of such people. The feeling of enthusiasm and active action towards achieving what they want is alien to them. It seems to them that someone should constantly know, guess what they need and provide it without any conditions.

In relationships, such people do not feel personal boundaries and do not know how to set them. It is difficult for them to make any demands on their partner. They suffer in silence and do nothing to change their situation.

Dependencies

All addictions have one root - poorly developed self-discipline.
All existing addictions - overeating, drug addiction, manic fasting, alcoholism - are signs of a disordered personality. The most important thing in self-discipline is the ability to control your impulses, which protect a person from many troubles and misfortunes. The formation of this ability begins in early childhood, when the mother prohibits certain actions and types of behavior for the child. The mother’s “No” eventually becomes her own “No!” person. Bossy mother considers it necessary only to control the child’s actions, but does not in any way try to teach him to cope with his own impulses. Teaching is foreign to an overbearing mother. Keeping the entire life of a child, then a teenager, under her control, in this way she fills the vacuum of her personality and does not give the child any opportunity to gain independent experience in life, which means she does not participate in the formation of the character of her son or daughter.

Alienation

Very often, an adult child of an overbearing mother is not able to manage his own life. This is due to the fact that he isolates himself from other people, withdraws into himself and does not try to make contact, and lives the life of a recluse. By closing himself off from the world and people, such a person is trying to protect himself from new mental trauma. Alienation is a state in which emotions and feelings freeze, are not refreshed, and the personality itself does not develop. Sooner or later, this condition will lead to depression or other consequences of seclusion.

Anxiety and panic attacks

Anxiety is a healthy feeling that is common to all people without exception. Anxiety is a signal that life is temporarily out of control and something is happening that is difficult for a person to cope with. this moment. Children of an overbearing mother are in a state of anxiety almost constantly and find it incredibly difficult to manage their relationships with others. Excessive anxiety takes away a person's sense of hope and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.

Tendency to blame others

As mentioned above, children of an overbearing mother cannot control their lives and therefore they often have to blame everyone and everything for their failures. Hiding from their painful experiences, such people tend to blame others and external circumstances for their failures, thereby shifting responsibility for themselves onto the shoulders of others. This was facilitated by their mother during their childhood, and it can be difficult for such a person to change in adulthood.
It is the mother’s responsibility, when the child is still small, to teach him not to endure problems and not to shift his work to others, to insist that the child take responsibility for the action. A mature mother interrupts any child’s impulses to blame others for something where the responsibility is personal.

Children of an overbearing mother are driven through life by one desire - to please their mother, and thus for a long time they can ignore their personal path of development and neglect their needs for self-realization. This condition tears a person apart and his life is full of internal contradictions. Expecting approval of actions from his mother even in adulthood makes such a person infantile and highly dependent on her. This leads to internal conflict. There is only one way out - start working on yourself and begin to realize that your mother and you are separate individuals. Qualified psychotherapists can help with this.

There are plans to write material about ways to heal trauma caused by an overbearing mother. Follow the newsletter releases.

Children often feel that their parents limit their independence too much. Sometimes this happens because the parents are not quite aware that the child has become old enough and is trying to push the boundaries a little, and sometimes it is because the parents are trying too much to control the child's life. The need to control your child has many reasons, including the fear that the child will repeat the mistakes of his parents. At the same time, sometimes parents simply do not realize that by their behavior they are harming the child, and not protecting him.

Steps

Gather your strength

Make an objective plan of action. Most likely, you will not be able to instantly throw off the canopy of a controlling parental atmosphere. You will need to create a skillful and realistic plan of action to begin making your own decisions. The starting point of the plan can be something as simple as reminding yourself every day that you are in control of your life. This will help you develop self-confidence. IN ideal The plan should include a gradual increase in the number of decisions you make independently.

Accept that you cannot change your parents. Just as your parents cannot control your thoughts and feelings, you cannot influence their thoughts and feelings. The only thing you can influence is how you yourself react to them, and this sometimes helps change your parents’ attitude towards you. But only parents can decide when and whether they should change at all.

• Trying to force your parents to change is similar to the control they are trying to maintain over you. If you realize this, then you can accept that parents are free to make decisions for themselves.

1. Learn to identify abuse. If your parents are abusive to you, contact the child welfare authorities or talk to an authority figure at school (a teacher or psychologist). Abuse can be expressed in a variety of ways, so if you are unsure whether you are being abused, it may be best to talk to your school counselor first. Abuse may include:

   • physical abuse in the form of spanking, hitting, tying, bruising and burning;
   • emotional abuse in the form of name-calling, humiliation, accusations and unreasonably high demands;
   • sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate touching, sexual contact and sexual acts.

Build relationships

1. Let go of the past . Holding back dislike for your parents or yourself is not the best The best way fix the relationship. It will be more useful to forgive your parents for the mistakes they have made. It is also helpful to forgive yourself for your own reactions to your parents' mistakes.

   Learn to confront your parents respectfully. First of all, you should explain to your parents your feelings and the reasons why you decided to distance yourself from them. Parents will not be able to begin to solve a problem that they simply do not know exists. However, you should not blame anyone or show disrespect. Tell your parents how you feel, not how they treated you.

   • You should not say phrases like this: “You violated my personal rights.” The following phrase will sound more constructive: “I felt like a completely powerless person.”

2. Set barriers in the relationship for both yourself and your parents. As you begin to restore normal relationships, you need to try to avoid falling back into old habits. Decide in advance about which decisions your parents are allowed to give you advice on and in which cases this is not required. Barriers may also be set regarding what parenting decisions you will be allowed to interfere with and what you can ask your parents to do.

   • For example, you may decide to consult your parents about important decisions regarding career (about choosing a higher educational institution or a specific job vacancy). However, you can leave some decisions to your own discretion, such as who to date and who to marry.
   • You can also refuse to participate in family decisions that your parents are trying to shift to you. However, you can offer support to parents if they have serious health problems, such as cancer or heart problems.

Respect relationship barriers

1. Respect established barriers in relationships. Once such barriers are in place, you need to respect them. You can't expect your parents to respect your privacy if you don't do the same for them. If you have any problems due to barriers, discuss them openly with your parents and try to find a solution.

   Stop your parents from trying to interfere with your personal choices. If parents break the boundaries of what is permitted, you must let them know this. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to be angry or upset. Calmly and respectfully tell your parents that they have crossed the line and ask them to stop. If they respect you, they will leave you alone.

   If problems continue, take a break. If the situation starts to develop completely differently than planned, you will again need to reduce the time you spend with your parents. This does not mean that you should break off all relations with them. It's just that often children and parents become too close to mutually respect agreed upon boundaries in the relationship. Spend a little more time apart and try to start over from the beginning.