The child does not let his mother leave his side: what to do? Why is a child afraid to be left without his mother? Overcoming excessive attachment
A child cannot live without his mother
Good afternoon, Mariashe has constant fears that her mother will leave and not return, that something will happen to me
Do you write how long ago this condition appeared? As I understand it, the child didn’t have this before and you calmly took her to the garden and went about your business? What could provoke such fear?
You didn't talk to the child WHY did she decide that?
It is best to work together with a child psychologist; it will be possible to identify the causes of fears and their essence and find the optimal solution.
For now, I can offer two versions. The first one is that she lacks your attention. Not grandmothers, fathers and relatives, but yours, directed at her. When you read a fairy tale to her, you draw or play together. Perhaps you are busy with household chores or communicating with other family members, and your daughter has little contact with you. Hug her, kiss her, enter into your daily schedule a time when you are alone with her and no one else.
The second version is that the fear of death and loss of you, as the most significant person, has intensified. It’s hard to say why this happened, maybe I saw something on TV, felt the concern of someone close to me, or heard phrases like “I’ll get sick and die.” Offer to draw your fear or mold it from plasticine, and then come up with something that can defeat it and redraw the drawing with your mother nearby or a fairy who will protect you without your mother or something else.
Sincerely, Zavgorodnaya Yulia
A child cannot live without his mother
Maria, hello.The child’s dependence on the mother becomes the cause of your worries. And children react very sensitively to their parents’ emotions. Therefore, first of all, you should work on your calmness on the topic of your daughter’s separation. And to all family members too. Even if the child is crying. It is very difficult to remain calm at this moment, but when this calm appears within you, the child reads it at the subconscious level. Stop discussing this topic at home as a problem, either openly or secretly. Breaking up is normal, as normal and calm as brushing your teeth. Just as you discuss brushing your teeth, you can discuss breaking up with the same emotional intensity.
The second is to increase the child’s independence. In your presence, give her more and more freedom to do certain things and play independently. At the same time, you must have some important business for you that you are immersed in without the child. And it is desirable that this is not important in words. But you really need it. For example, you are learning some new knowledge that you need for work. Gradually increase the duration of these independent activities. This will allow you to move your daughter most smoothly from the position of merging with you to the position of we are near.
It's great that you're already practicing increasing your time with other people. Keep doing it.
Well, let's remember about magical power bedtime stories. In which the little heroine copes with all the difficulties on her own. And I want to be like this heroine. And if you then play these fairy tales, the effect will become even stronger.
The deeper causes of fear of rejection can only be worked out through consultations.
Sincerely, Svetlana Osipova.
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Why does a 1-2 year old child not let go of his mother for a single step, and what to do with such childish affection.
At first it is so pleasant - the child cannot live for a minute without you. How he loves you. But time passes, and you simply have nowhere to go, you can’t even take a shower without the heartbreaking screams of your baby under the bathroom door.
Strong attachment to mother is an age-related feature
If a child does not let his mother go anywhere, this does not mean at all that he is twisting ropes out of you, testing your patience, doing it out of spite, out of harm, or because he is bored.
This is a natural period for children 1-2 years old. Having realized that you and the child are not a single whole, that he is a separate person, the baby is simply afraid of losing you. And that is why, in general, children do not let their mother go even one step away from them.
Why does the child not let his mother go even a step?
There are also much less obvious reasons for a child’s strong attachment to his mother; take a closer look at them, perhaps you will find your own option. Having established the cause of the child’s anxiety, it will be easier to correct the situation.
The child is in pain
The child does not let his mother go because he feels bad, but does not yet know how to say so. He just wants his mother to carry him in her arms, hug him, and just be there - this makes him feel better. And if a cold or tummy pain goes away quite quickly, then teething can torment the child for months. Be attentive to him, he really needs you now.
The child feels his mother's anxiety
You had a fight with someone, things are not going well, you have nothing to pay the rent, someone looked at you the wrong way - all the emotions that you experience are also experienced by your baby. Even if they were not quarreling in front of him, and he still does not know the financial problems. It’s just written all over your face, and he “reads” it in seconds. And if, then, there is some kind of danger, then he must be close to his mother so that she can protect him.
It seems to the child that you want to get rid of him
This happens when you seem to be spending the whole day with your child, but at the same time your thoughts are somewhere far away. Yes, and you are not busy with the child at all, but, for example, with household chores, talking with friends on the phone, communicating on the Internet.
The child fails to attract your attention; in despair, he begins to cry. But instead of finally seeing the baby, you get annoyed. You're tired, things aren't going well, and then the child doesn't want to let his mother go, so he sets it up. It turns out to be a vicious circle.
HOW TO OVERCOME CHILDREN'S HYPERATTACHMENT
With reasons strong attachment the child to the mother sorted it out. It remains to understand what to do if the child does not let go of his mother.
- Do not scold your child for screaming and hysterics, do not leave him suddenly alone, do not leave home by stealth or deception.
- Fill your attention gap. Hug, kiss, play with your child.
- Do not be distracted by the phone and the Internet, actively respond to your child’s questions and requests.
When the baby receives your quality attention, when you devote time only to him and are not distracted by anything, the baby will not need to fight to achieve it. Of course, this will not happen overnight. The child must first make sure that this is not a temporary phenomenon, that now it will always be like this.
One of key points– admission to kindergarten. And it’s better to loosen the ties in advance so that the baby feels more confident. Petty care is more of a hindrance, and not only in this case. The child becomes anxious, unsure of himself, and shy. Therefore, if guardianship remains to a superior degree in your relationship, it is worth relaxing it. Everyone will benefit from this: both you and the child. He will not have any fear of going out into the “big world”, of which the kindergarten is a part. Story five: Offended Vasya Vasya is 6 years old, he came to preparatory group from another kindergarten. Vasya is a plump boy and wears glasses. He immediately came under the gun of the “mockers” - a group of guys led by Vlad. They started calling him “fat” and “bespectacled.” Of course, the teacher scolded Vlad and his team as best she could, but they still continued their work on the sly.
If a child is afraid to be left without his mother
In fairness, it is worth noting that in state gardens Nowadays, a lot is being done to ensure that children feel comfortable and parents do not worry. Why do we need a kindergarten: 7 reasons Some parents and grandmothers doubt whether a kindergarten is needed.
Infections “live” there, not all children are friendly, and questions arise about the teachers: will they offend? But we still need kindergarten. And not only for the child, but for the family as a whole! It is there that the baby acquires such important skills for his socialization.
Reason #1: Learns to communicate with other children. Do you think it's easy? Children who did not attend kindergartens stand out among their classmates, at least in the first year of study.
Parents' mistakes that cause their child to not want to go to kindergarten
The schedule is the same as in a regular kindergarten, but more flexible: you can come later, agree to stay at home for a few days without a doctor’s certificate. Teachers do not always insist on daytime sleep, keeping children busy who don't need it.
Attention
As a rule, in such gardens there are many interesting activities. Some, but not all, follow the Montessori system.
Private “home” kindergarten. Most often it is located in an ordinary apartment, converted for children. Designed for 3–6 children. There is no need to talk about the official status of the kindergarten: this form cannot be legalized due to strict sanitary and epidemiological standards, compliance with which is simply impossible in the apartment.
Important
Walks - on the street near the house. Opportunities for physical education and music are limited due to the small space. As for educators and other teachers, it varies.
Children
Do you need a kindergarten? Decide whether your family really needs your child to go to kindergarten right now. If there is no confidence, your emotions will be transmitted to the baby, and he will adapt worse.
Doubts for several months (“Maybe it’s better not to go?..”) will play a cruel joke in September. The easiest children to get used to kindergarten are those whose parents cannot offer them a replacement in the form of home education or a nanny.
These parents feel inner confidence: “Where to go? You need to walk, and you will walk!” It is this confidence that is passed on to the baby. 2. “Regime” moments. I have heard from young mothers: “Why would I torture my child in advance? On September 1st we’ll get up at 7.30 and everything will be great!” Unfortunately, most likely it won’t be “excellent”.
Sleep mode is one of the main regulators of all activity during the day.
The child does not stay anywhere without his mother, there are hysterics in the garden
In my practice, there was a case when a mother and her baby did not separate until they entered kindergarten. They went to the store together, went on visits together, etc.
d. In general, they had no experience of separation at all. And of course, the moment of separation was very traumatic for both. Tyoma cried all day long, did not go near toys, almost did not react to anything, being in his grief.
But only special assistance eased the situation by allowing the baby to attend kindergarten and his mother to go to work. ● It is very important that by the time you start attending kindergarten, you both have gained experience of separations and meetings. Gradually begin to entrust the care of the baby to other relatives, starting with a few hours, gradually increasing the time.
Then you can “practice” by sending your baby to visit grandma for a few days. 12. When do you go to work? Already now we need to plan for at least the first three months of the baby’s stay in the kindergarten.
What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten - Yulia Vasilkina
Oksana wondered: was her decision to send her child to kindergarten right and would Nastya be able to get used to it? The next few days became a nightmare for everyone: in the morning the baby resisted and cried, and the mother’s eyes were also “wet.” Once again, having taken her daughter to the group, Oksana decided to go to a psychologist to find out: maybe Nastya is a “non-Sadov” child? Reason: Adaptation syndrome The situation described in this story is very, very typical.
Many mothers, bringing their children to kindergarten for the first time, are surprised at how easily they enter the group and part with their parents. But the following days show that not everything is so simple, and the baby is very worried.
Of course, there are children who cry from day one. There are also children who really do not cry and happily run to the group both on the first and subsequent days. But there are very few of them.
My child is afraid of children in kindergarten, what should I do?
As a rule, adaptation of a 4-year-old child is easy and painless. However, not all parents have the opportunity to keep their child at home so long time, some have to send one and a half year old babies to kindergarten.
The average age when a child begins to attend preschool– 2-3 years, when the baby is close to or is already going through a crisis of three years. Games with other children do not interest them, since at this time collective skills are poorly developed.
Children under 3 years old, as psychologists and teachers note, do not play together, but nearby, therefore urgent need They don’t have any communication skills with their peers. But the attachment to his mother is too strong, whom a 2-year-old baby is afraid to even lose sight of. The adaptation of such children is much more difficult; they most of all do not want to go to kindergarten, and it is they who need help from parents, teachers, and even psychologists.
The child is afraid to go to kindergarten
Therefore, they try to feed everyone possible ways. And I admit, often their methods are associated with significant neuroticization of the child and the consolidation of the problem.
Shouts, comparisons with other children, mentions that he will not grow up or get sick, threats - and so on several times every day. Otherwise, the teacher may be quite happy with the child, but when it comes to food... Why doesn’t he want to eat? Why do some children refuse to eat in the garden with a tenacity worthy of other uses? According to my observations, in each group there are 1-2 children about whom they say: “He eats very poorly.”
This means he is very selective: he has difficulty trying new dishes and never eats something he did not like once. As a rule, these children are extremely fussy about food at home, and parents suffer with them, since it is difficult to feed them simply by preparing something for the family.
Why does a child not want to go to kindergarten? how to help adapt
My daughter demanded that she be undressed quickly and ran to the group to look at new toys. Mom said to Nastya: “Bye, daughter!”, but the girl didn’t even hear, she was so busy.
When her mother came for her two hours later, Nastya was playing calmly, and it seemed that she didn’t even want to leave. The next day, Oksana did not expect any problems, believing that the girl got used to it right away. But it was not there! My daughter put up a real fight in the locker room, did not allow herself to be undressed, cried and asked her mother: “Don’t leave!” She resisted and did not want to enter the group until the teacher came to the rescue and took the girl in her arms. Oksana left in a completely different mood than yesterday.
Info
When she came to pick up her daughter, she found her with tear-stained eyes. It turned out that Nastya sat in the corner the whole time, didn’t eat anything and didn’t even go near the toys.
I don't want to go to kindergarten! what will the psychologist say?
He has the opportunity to really observe a lot, compare, and decide whether something is worth trying himself, already knowing the adult’s reaction. It is very important that this is not the reaction of their relatives, but of a stranger who is broadcasting general rules, norms and traditions.
Reason No. 3: Learns to recognize the authority of a “stranger” adult. This is important for later life, where there will be many teachers, then teachers at the institute, managers and bosses. Of course, every parent wants to think that their child will become a “big boss” himself. But this will not happen immediately. To begin with, you will have to gain a lot of experience in subordination, which will help you become a wise leader in the future. And the easiest time to accept the authority of a stranger is in preschool childhood. Reason #4: Develops as a person. Of course, the child also develops at home, with his grandmother, mother or nanny.
From a certain age, staying at home around the clock with one or more adults ceases to be a benefit for the child also because these adults are unlikely to be certified specialists in these areas. And even if so, this is the exception rather than the rule.
Reason #6: Becomes more independent. In kindergarten, children learn self-care skills much faster than at home. Getting dressed, undressing, washing your hands, cleaning up after yourself, eating - all these are basic skills that home education are produced later and due to a large number of adult nerve cells.
In the kindergarten, teachers, firstly, do not doubt the child’s capabilities. Secondly, he reaches out for other children, not wanting to fall behind. And thirdly, educators lack time and energy, and they do not have the opportunity to “serve” every child.
4 year old child is afraid to stay in the garden without his mother
In this case, do not console the baby with the words: “Oh, that nasty grandfather, he scared the little one!”, while looking back fearfully or angrily at the “culprit” of your baby’s stress. It’s better to say “Nothing, my dear, everything will be fine.
This is our grandfather, you’re not used to him yet.” The intonation of your phrase should also have a subtext for the grandfather: it seems that he himself needs adaptation to the child. Therefore, there should be condescension towards the baby’s fear, not fear, a readiness to protect! Only your confidence in the child’s safety in this particular situation can restore the child’s trust in other people and circumstances! “Mirror ponytail” Sometimes other children also become “mom’s ponytails”: these cannot be called melancholic: they are nimble, fidgety... But because of their sociability, they simply cannot remain alone. Even in games they need a “team”, at least in the form of a mother.
Mom, you know, there is a girl in our class, her mother sits with her during lessons,” Polina, a new first-grader, told me.
This was new even for the teacher - six summer child I was afraid to be alone, without my mother. Because of the tears turning into convulsions, I had to agree for the mother to stay with the girl. Only a month later we managed to persuade her that her mother would be in the corridor. They placed a chair for her near the door so that the girl could see her.
She played with the children, answered the teacher’s questions, but periodically checked to see if her mother was there.
(I don’t know what happened to her: they moved to another school, and I lost contact with them).
Usually, by the age of three, the child’s psyche is already ready for him to be able to do without his mother or other significant adults for some time. But different conditions education, different features the child’s nervous system is reflected in the child’s ability to openly step into the world without hiding behind the mother’s back. Children under three years of age are sometimes characterized by fear of a new environment, fear of distance from their mother, and fear of strangers. This is what makes the baby follow his mother like a tail, trying not to let her out of sight.
We can say that almost all children initially tend to openly accept people. This is the formation of the so-called “basic trust in the world.” This phase (in line with E. Erikson’s theory) covers the first year of life. The degree of trust that a child develops in the world around him, in other people and in himself largely depends on the care that is shown to him. If a child does not receive the necessary care, does not meet love and affection, then he develops distrust - fearfulness and suspicion towards the world in general, and towards people in particular, and she carries this disbelief with her into other stages of her development.
It is impossible not to mention the second stage of development according to Erikson, which covers the second and third years of life. At this time, the child develops independence based on the development of his motor and mental abilities. At 2-2.5 years old, the child begins to distinguish himself as an individual from what was previously for him a single whole - the family - and, as it were, is born a second time, his overdependence on his mother ends. This is a very important step on the path to independence, and if such a break does not occur in due time, then if the connection with the mother is too deep, the further development of the child may be disrupted. At this time, children begin to realize their autonomy and self-worth. Unformed in early age independence (“I myself”) can cause a fear of independence and, accordingly, a desire to depend on the opinions and assessments of others. In this, a fatal role is played by the anxiety of the parents, the expectation of danger for the baby from any side. Such parents overprotect the baby, even when he can independently do what they want to help him with (feed him, climb a ladder).
Without gaining confidence in communication, the ability to perceive the absence of his mother without anxiety, the child becomes his mother’s tail.”
What are they, these “tails”?
Of course, one cannot help but say about the psychological characteristics of children with “tails”. Melancholic children are usually cautious in communication and hide behind their mother. Features of temperament are visible from the first days of life. According to scientists, there are about 20% of such children. The subtle organization of the psyche, increased excitability, natural reduced sociability, focus more on one’s internal sensations and feelings than on communicating with other people (introversion) determine the behavior of these children in relation to their mother. It is, of course, safer for them when their mother is nearby, and if the people around them are not yet familiar, they are reluctant to get to know them, and in general it is better to hide “out of harm’s way.”
Of course, the presence of a melancholic temperament in itself does not mean that the child will follow his mother and be afraid to leave her. According to experts, fear of external aggression can arise if basic trust in the world around us has not been formed in infancy. The child tries to hide behind the most reliable person he feels - his mother. At first, it looks quite cute: the mother is filled with pride from such trust, from the realization that the baby values her so much as his protector. But by encouraging and developing such a withdrawal from communication and “dangers,” one can develop shyness and even withdrawal in the child.
As already mentioned, until the age of three or four, children learn to cope without their mother for some time. That is why at the age of three it is advised to begin “immersion in social life» - registration for kindergarten. If the child is younger and does not let go of his mother, you need to more carefully analyze your own behavior and psychological characteristics of the baby in order to prevent the “growing in” of “tailing” at an older age.
You should behave especially carefully with melancholic children, monitor your behavior and “not add fuel to the fire,” because it is best to try to prevent distrust of the world. This needs to be done from the very first days of the baby’s life (and perhaps even earlier).
Unfortunately, much of the child’s worldview is brought in from the attitude of the parents, especially the mother. If the mother is anxious, especially if there are rather complicated relationships in the family, there is tension in the air, then even the “irresponsible” baby feels this tension. In other words, the baby is extremely dependent on emotional state surrounding people. An experiment conducted by Americans speaks very eloquently about the close connection between mother and baby: mothers of babies who cried often and for a long time were given the opportunity to simply have a good rest. Then, returning to the children, they noted that the kids were calmer. If a mother is afraid to “give her child into the hands” of someone, this feeling is “absorbed with milk.” Remember: didn’t it seem to you on your first walk that your husband, the child’s father, couldn’t handle the stroller, and that only you could do it? Such thoughts initially come to the minds of quite a lot of mothers.
In such situations, you need to tell yourself “stop” in time. Relax, try to slowly tell yourself: there is no danger that the child will be held by the grandfather (even if this happens for the first time!). When handing over the baby, remain calm, smile approvingly at the “new adult,” and stand next to him. In this case, it plays a big role psychological condition this "new adult". If his gestures are confident but soft, then the baby will not feel mistrust. And if his hands tremble, he is not confident in himself when touching the baby, then this same condition will pass on to the child, and a protest in the form of crying may follow.
In this case, do not console the baby with the words: “Oh, that nasty grandfather, he scared the little one!”, while looking back fearfully or angrily at the “culprit” of your baby’s stress. It’s better to say “Nothing, my dear, everything will be fine. This is our grandfather, you’re not used to him yet.” The intonation of your phrase should also have a subtext for the grandfather: it seems that he himself needs adaptation to the child. Therefore, there should be condescension towards the baby’s fear, not fear, a readiness to protect!
Only your confidence in the child’s safety in this particular situation can restore the child’s trust in other people and circumstances!
"Mirror Ponytail"
Sometimes other children also become “mother’s tails”: these cannot be called melancholic: they are nimble, fidgety... But because of their sociability, they simply cannot remain alone. Even in games they need a “team”, at least in the form of a mother. Of course, the behavior of a sanguine child is very different from a melancholic one. But the constant demand for mom’s presence is also sometimes tiring.
It must be remembered that for normal psychological development The baby just needs close contact with his mother. Sometimes you just want to touch her. And if she is in another room, and there is no way to wait, or the baby does not yet know how to move towards her, then it is best to place the child somewhere next to you: arrange a playpen or put a warm carpet in the kitchen, away from the stove. Tie him to you in the kangaroo.
Having become a little older, the sanguine child himself gives “recipes for getting rid of tailing.” This problem disappears at the moment when there is someone else to communicate with, then the baby willingly breaks away from his mother for a while, then this time increases. On for a long time The only problem that remains is to keep the baby occupied with something when he has no one else to communicate with except his mother. You have to be aware: it’s really hard for him to play alone. Such a child needs to be taught to play independently.
The majority of parents know that the baby is always near the mother and it seems to him that if she leaves, she will not return. In such a situation, the child is like a tail near the mother and does not allow her to do anything alone. And many mothers sometimes cannot even go to the bathroom without their baby, they cook food with him in their arms and constantly look after him.
And some people think that if the child grows up a little, everything will get better and it will become easier for the mother, but as a result, nothing changes. And one thing you need to understand is that the baby will never learn to be independent and will not play alone tomorrow. And the baby’s craving only for his mother is easily explained; the mother always explains that being around and some unknown and incomprehensible moments acquire certainty. In addition, he understands that his mother will always give care and love.
For this reason, you will have to be patient until the baby gets used to his surroundings, but he should always feel care and love from his mother. And children generally always try to keep their mother in sight, since they always know that if they need something, their mother will give everything and help them cope with the problem.
And everyone understands perfectly well that the baby is truly happy only with his mother; it is rare to find a baby who calmly moves away from his mother. Most often, these are children who receive a little maternal love at a young age. Even when the child takes his first steps, his mother is nearby and helps him get up after he has fallen. And there are some parents who want their little ones to grow up faster and become independent, but this is wrong. Everything has its time!
And some begin to compare their first and second children or generally pay attention to others, but this is wrong - all children are individual and the process of growing up is independent for each. And if the older one became independent earlier, this does not mean that the younger one is something like that. And there is no need to panic and do something supernatural for this. 
But at the same time, it is difficult for a mother to do all the household chores when the child does not give her access, the solution is to interest him in something. In the evening, you can ask your spouse to play with the baby and do as much as possible of their household chores. The baby will not be capricious if he is busy with something.
If the baby cries a lot and often, then this is not necessarily a simple whim; perhaps something else is bothering him. If it’s not clear from the outside, then you can try to interest him in the game. And there is one concept that is quite understandable: the baby will not leave his mother until he becomes interested in something else - toys, cartoons or something else. But you also need to try to teach him to be independent. Until then, get used to your pet.
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