Should I leave my child at grandma's overnight? At what age can you leave a child with their grandmother? Should children be left with their grandmother?

Question for psychologists

IN Lately My husband and I often have an argument about whether it is necessary to leave the child overnight with the grandparents unless absolutely necessary. We have 2 sons. The oldest is 2 years 9 months, the youngest is 9 months. When he was born younger son, I tried not to separate the children so that the eldest would get used to the fact that there was another child in the house. But soon the eldest went to kindergarten, began to get sick often, and recently we needed to isolate him for 2 weeks so as not to infect the younger one with an infectious disease. First we took him to my parents. I’ll say right away that we are very lucky with our grandparents on both sides, they are very caring, always help out, the children love them very much, we often visit them, they often come to us, and several times the eldest even asked to stay with grandma for the night ( both one and the other). And grandmothers often ask to leave their grandson with them for a while. This time he also happily went to them and for the first days everything was fine, then he began to ask to go home. Because We couldn’t bring him home yet, so as not to infect the youngest, we moved him to other grandparents. on the very first evening he didn’t want to let us go, then he somehow reconciled himself, but I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with his grandparents. The husband believes that this is because he is not used to staying with his grandparents. and I believe that children should not be left with their grandparents unless absolutely necessary. I want my brothers to be always (if possible) together, so that they have a sense of home and family. Tell me whether it is necessary to regularly leave children with their grandparents without special need, simply at the request of the child or grandparent.
Thank you in advance.

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Is it worth leaving the child at grandma's overnight?

Olga! The relationships between generations in your family are just the relationships between generations in your family. If you don’t expect such distortions as in the film “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard,” then there’s no point in arguing.

Act in the interests of the children, but do not forget about yourself. First of all, you, your husband and your children are your family. In our society, as a rule, it is parents who instill in their children standards of morality and behavior. Whereas, grandparents allow their children everything, give them complete freedom. A reasonable balance between both is necessary for the full development of any child. And always, at all times, the regulation of this ratio has been a problem for parents.

I suggest you turn your attention not to the subject of the dispute, but to the very fact of its existence. As a rule, the subject of dispute in intra-family conflicts is not worth a damn.

I recommend contacting a specialist in person, but not to solve your grandparents’ problems, but so that you and your husband can learn to argue productively, coming to a common opinion. The skills to resolve conflicts in their infancy between you and your husband will maintain a favorable climate for the development of your children in your multi-generational family.

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Olga, your feelings and sensations (“I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with his grandparents... I believe that children should not be left with their grandparents unless absolutely necessary. I want the brothers were always (if possible) together so that they had a sense of home and family ") - absolutely true! It’s not often that you meet a person who is so sensitive to how good it will be for both the children and themselves (and even for their grandparents)!

You and your husband were lucky not with your grandparents (maybe with them too, most likely!), but with your parents. For a baby (2 years 9 months - a baby too!) any separation from his mother is a trauma! You can’t protect yourself from all infections, and getting sick in your mother’s arms is better than not getting sick elsewhere... This does not diminish the role of the older generation! It’s just that mom (and dad, of course) at this stage are very important, their presence, touches, words, glances!

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Hello Olga! If you hear your child, then refusing him will also not be very favorable - yes, children like to stay with their grandparents, especially if there is such an opportunity, then rather these connections help him form a broad idea of ​​\u200b\u200bfamily - where there are relationships between the younger generation and we fear where there is love and respect, that he is loved and he is loved, that he himself also loves all his relatives - this is also a big plus and happiness that you have the opportunity to maintain these relationships! Yes, children can also miss their parents during a long separation and this is also normal - these stays and overnight stays are good as long as it brings pleasure and comfort to the child himself, but when there is a desire to be with his parents, to feel their warmth and care, then such a refusal will be more painful - sometimes there are cases (for example, with the illness of a younger child) - when there may be a need to separate from parents and family - but then it is important for him to explain how long you will be gone (days), when you will call and why you are taking him away - “so that do not infect" - call and communicate! The most important thing in extended families is to maintain this balance - and to have communication with older relatives (contact is very important for children and this contact is very interesting to them) and with parents and brothers and sisters. The relationship between brothers also needs to be built - not just physical presence nearby, but explained to both of them and helped to find solutions together - to understand the connection between them! and there may be a completely different question - how comfortable are these separations for you - since this is also your family - if there is a need to be together and more often - be there - if the child asks and you can allow him to do so - allow it - on the contrary, it will help him form a more complete a sense of security, a sense of trust! Olga, if you have any other questions and you want to discuss them and really understand the situation, you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!

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Hello Olga! You subtly feel the child’s mood, that it is very important for him to be with his parents. There is probably no need to torture a child and leave him with his grandmothers for “educational purposes.” You have to trust yourself and your feelings. At this age, contact with parents and especially with mother is very important for a child. When he is ready, he himself will tell you about it. Then he might be interested in visiting his grandparents. Then you'll have to meet him halfway with this. To avoid infecting a child with an infectious disease, hygiene measures are sufficient. Separate dishes, ventilation of premises, and most importantly maintenance Have a good mood. Then one child will not necessarily become infected from another. Excessive worry about this can only make the situation worse. After all, your anxiety is involuntarily transmitted to the child. And psychological anxiety sooner or later turns into physical.

Experts give only an approximate exact age when a mother can leave. To decide whether to keep your baby, you need to keep in mind 2 rules.

The less time the baby spends without his mother in the first year of life, the easier it is to let her go when he gets older.

Until eight months (and ideally, up to a year), it is better for the baby not to be left without his mother for more than a few hours. At the same time, it is extremely important that in your absence he is in a familiar environment and with a person he knows well.

According to the American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, before the age of one year, children develop the so-called “basic trust in the world.” What does "basic" mean? The fact that it is the foundation for developing a child’s sense of security, trust and confidence that nothing bad will happen to him. Children who receive enough attention and love from their mother in the first year of life later become more independent. The world does not collapse when their mother leaves, anxiety does not increase, they are confident that she will definitely return.

Check what type of attachment the baby has formed. If this is a healthy attachment, you can safely leave. You have nothing to fear. If the type of attachment is painful, there is no need to rush.

The term “attachment” was coined by John Bowlby, an English psychoanalyst and family therapist. Attachment is communication between mother and child, based on the fact that the mother satisfies the baby’s need for love and security. If this has been achieved, this type of relationship is called “healthy attachment.” If for some reason the baby does not receive what he needs from his mother, he develops a “painful attachment.”

How do you know what type of attachment your child has developed?

All you have to do is leave for a few hours and carefully observe how the baby reacts to your care. The fact is that almost all children cry when their mother leaves. Any child psychologist will tell you that this behavior is normal. But how the child meets you will help you determine the type of attachment.

Healthy attachment. The baby is always happy with his mother, he may cry when parting with her, and is happy when she returns. At the same time, if the mother leaves, the child is quite easily distracted by other things.

Painful attachment. When the mother returns home, the child either ignores her coming or begins to take revenge (bites, pinches, is rude).

What to do if this is your case?

- Don’t be alarmed, because secure attachment develops over time, and now the moment has simply not come when the baby can calmly let you go.

- Do not scold your child for crying, and do not convince him that he is doing wrong.

— Try to figure out what the reason for his behavior is and pay attention to the following points: are you overprotective of the baby; are you neglecting his interests; Are you consistent in your upbringing (for example, do you always react the same way to the same behavior).

Here is a list of external conditions that need to be taken into account:

Arguments for:

- You have a reliable, well-known and beloved adult who is ready to stay with him during your vacation. Ideally, this is a relative with whom the baby lives or has stayed more than once, and these meetings brought pleasure to both.

— You have the opportunity to leave the baby in the apartment where he lives (on “your” territory).

The child already knows how to speak and express his feelings, he can talk to you on the phone or on Skype.

You had already left the baby for a while, and when you returned, he happily ran to you, hung on your neck, and told you how he spent his time.

You are tired and exhausted, you feel that you are about to “break down” if you miss the chance to take a break from the hustle and bustle of your family now.

Arguments against:

You are breastfeeding your baby or stopped breastfeeding less than 2 months ago (mom leaving and weaning at the same time is too much stress).

The child is not yet 1.5 years old. From this moment on, he develops a desire for independence, and separation becomes somewhat less painful for him. At this age, it is already possible to explain to him that his parents will return, that they are not leaving him forever.

When you return to your child after a short absence, he ignores you or “takes revenge” - bites, rushes.

You are so attached to your child yourself that you cannot lie for an hour on the beach without worrying that they will buy him the wrong diapers. If you haven’t left yet, you feel a huge sense of guilt just at the thought of leaving your baby.

The child does not know the person you are going to leave him with well. Ideally, at least a month should have passed since they started communicating.

Your baby's behavior changes greatly in your absence. He becomes aggressive, or whiny, or, which may not be immediately obvious, on the contrary, he “freezes” and sits in the corner for hours. If your departure coincides with a period of age-related crisis for the child (for example, a 3-year-old crisis), it is not advisable to leave the child.

A newborn baby needs his mother around the clock, because he may need something at any moment. However, gradually the child grows up, becomes more independent, and develops his own interests, even if it’s just a new car or bright blocks. By this time, parents begin to gradually get tired of their duties and the enormous responsibility associated with the birth of a baby. A short vacation spent just the two of you could be a great solution, but moms and dads are afraid to leave the baby.

Rambler/Family finds out at what age a child can be left in the care of a grandmother or nanny.

Analyzing the situation

Of course, every child is individual: some up to three or four years old cannot spend even an hour without their mother, while others already feel quite good in the company of other adults from the age of six months. Even among specialists in the field of child psychology, there is no consensus on at what age a relatively long separation from parents can be safe for a baby.

Therefore, in order to understand whether such a separation would be too strong a blow for the fragile child’s psyche, Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Yauza Clinical Hospital, advises taking into account several main factors. An important question is whether breastfeeding has stopped.

“It is believed that separation from a baby who has stopped breastfeeding less than two months ago can have a negative impact on his emotional state: the simultaneous departure of the mother and weaning is too serious a change for the baby. These two events can become intertwined in the child’s mind and negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.”

However, even a baby who has been formula-fed since birth may experience serious problems when separated from his mother - this depends on the type of attachment that he has formed in relation to her. Defining it, says psychologist Olga Kuznetsova, is quite simple: “If a child gets upset when his mother leaves, but at the same time knows how to occupy himself during her absence and is happy to return, this means that he has formed a healthy attachment and there are no pathologies in their relationship. If the baby is hysterical when he sees that his mother is getting ready, cannot find a place for himself without her, and at the next meeting behaves aggressively and vindictively - this is a reason to think that something is going wrong. Perhaps the child feels excessive maternal care and feels unprotected without her.”

We create favorable conditions

child with mother

Even if, after taking a closer look at your baby, you realized that he gets along well with other adults and does not feel a painful need for the constant presence of his mother, the implementation of the idea of ​​​​going on vacation together will require some preparation. First of all, you need to decide on a suitable person who will be ready to take responsibility and stay with the child for the period of your trip.

He needs to be devoted in as much detail as possible to all the features of the baby’s daily routine and behavior. Tell your grandmother or nanny how your day with your baby is structured: what time does he wake up, when and what is he used to eating, what does he usually do in the first and second half of the day, what time does he go to bed and how long does he sleep during the day, where and how long do you usually walk, how your evening bath and going to bed - all these details can play an important role in providing your child with a familiar comfortable life in your absence.

Do not forget to also instruct your “deputy” on how to behave in force majeure situations - if the child has a fever, an allergy, or he is simply capricious and does not want to go to bed.

If you plan for a nanny, grandmother or other relative to move in with you during your absence, then your child will not have to get used to the new place. If the child goes to a new home, then think in advance about adapting the baby himself to the conditions in which he will spend a week or more. In the time remaining before your vacation, try to visit more often so that your child gets comfortable with the new place. Some experts prefer this option, since at home the baby may feel the absence of his parents more acutely, while in another environment he will be less likely to remember them.

Go and come back

So, the suitcases are packed, the grandmother (or nanny), instructed and armed with all the necessary equipment, is ready to devote herself entirely to the baby during your absence, and the child himself plays happily in her arms. All you have to do is get to the place to spend a few unforgettable days together.

For a full-fledged vacation, it is better to choose a place where you can simultaneously relax, unwind, and actively relax - that is, embrace all possible impressions. In Florence, for example, you will find echoes of the great past, harmony and tranquility of quiet European streets, noisy fun in central establishments and, of course, romance - here it is literally in the air. In a week, you will not only have time to visit all the museums of the capital of Tuscany, but also enjoy each other’s company - as if you were on your second honeymoon.

Of course, parents, having been separated from their baby for a long time for the first time, will feel some anxiety and concern. However, try to limit yourself to one or two communication sessions a day with your family: by doing this you will not create unnecessary stress on the baby’s psyche, forcing him to remember more often that you are not around, and you yourself will be able to rest and relax - after all, after all, this is what everything was started for. Take time for each other and enjoy the new environment and vivid impressions.

But upon returning home, be ready to begin your duties with renewed vigor. These may include the need to restore weakened contact with the child. Psychologist, consultant for the service for finding nannies “Pomogatel.ru”, head of the personal development studio “Lada” Marina Smovzh notes: “The first thing parents may encounter is the child’s mistrust. Mom and Dad will have to restore it. If we use a metaphor, this work of restoring trust can be compared to paying off a loan - you will need to pay not only the debt, but also the interest on it. In other words, prepare to give more to your child.”

A long separation from the mother is always a serious psychological trauma for the baby. But what if circumstances are stronger than us? Of course, it is better to leave the child with his grandmother, a person close and dear to him. But even for short separations, the child needs to be prepared.

When can you start leaving your baby with other people?

Psychologists believe that up to eight months a child without urgent need It’s better not to stay without your mother for a long time. After all, the realization that his mother is something separate from him does not come to him immediately. For a newborn, mother: his whole world. Without him he feels scared and lonely.

It will be much less stressful if he only occasionally stays for an hour or two with a person he knows well in his own home, in a familiar environment. But you still need to do this as rarely as possible. If the mother is still breastfeeding, it should be taken into account that simultaneous weaning and the loss of the mother (and this is how he understands her unexpected departure) can be double stress.

Moreover, young children who are left without their mother for a long time also suffer physically. The consequences of such stress are described in sufficient detail in the medical literature: children become apathetic, they may refuse to eat, their sleep worsens, their reflexes decrease, they become prone to colds, etc.

It is difficult to say absolutely exactly at what age you can leave a child with grandparents. It all depends on the specific situation. In most cases, only after 1-1.5 years does the child gradually develop a desire to be independent. Long-term separation from mother for a child older than one and a half years is less painful. At this time, he is already beginning to develop a desire to be independent and a desire to get to know the world around him better. Only at three or four years old is the baby fully ready to make new social contacts.

Negative consequences of prolonged separation

Even the most sociable baby experiences suffering in the absence of his mother, especially in cases where she disappears for a long time. His separation from his mother, unfortunately, has quite negative consequences:

when over time, due to resentment, he may completely lose emotional contact with his mother, and it will be very difficult to restore it.

No matter how loving grandparents are, the child will always need you. Even if you often leave home for long periods of time, try to devote as much free time as possible to it. Otherwise, the child will suffer even more.

Positive points

If a child knows his grandparents well and loves them, he will have a lot of fun with them positive emotions: they are much more experienced and wiser than young parents, but they are not in a hurry. They are able to answer his endless questions without the slightest irritation, play games with him, tell him fairy tales, and help with his homework. When the child enters the period adolescence, more experienced older generation can become advisers and confidants for the child.

Preparing for separation

To mitigate the consequences of separation and alleviate stress, you should listen to the opinions of psychologists:

The child must firmly know that mother always returns. To gradually accustom him to this, your first absences should be as short as possible. Try to leave home for a short time at first, for an hour or two, gradually increasing the time of separation.

Try to explain to your child as clearly and intelligibly as possible why you have to leave him for a long time. Tell him how interesting it will be for him to be with his grandmother, when he will draw with her, walk, play, read fairy tales, cook dinner for mom and dad and wait for them from work, etc.

Sometimes a mother tries to sneak out of the house unnoticed, at a time when the baby is distracted by someone. But at such moments the child may have a fear of being left without his mother forever. After all, if she suddenly disappeared for an hour, one day she might disappear forever. In order not to scare the child, be sure to kiss him and tell him that you really need to leave and that you will miss him very much.

The child is more willing to stay with his grandmother if he lives with her in the same house. For him, she is a close and familiar person, and communication with her does not frighten him.

If your grandmother lives separately, during long separations the most acceptable option is for her to come to your home: in a familiar environment, the baby will be much more familiar and comfortable, and the stress will be less noticeable. To get your baby used to it, you can ask your grandmother to move into the house at least a month early.

If the child has never met his grandmother, show him a photo or video of her and tell him in detail about her. To make the meeting long-awaited, you can play “Grandma’s Arrival” with him. Depict, for example, how a mother cat and a kitten are impatiently awaiting the arrival of a guest, meeting her in a car, treating her to cake and sweets, etc.

If grandma doesn’t have the opportunity to live in your house, be sure to take with you your child’s favorite toys and one or two things that remind you of home and of you: a blanket, pillow, etc.

It’s great if you have the opportunity to call him at least a couple of times a day and remind him that his mother remembers and loves him and will come soon. Take an interest in his affairs: let the baby be able to share his impressions with you, at least over the phone. If you can’t contact your family, ask your grandmother to tell him more often that his mother misses him too.

Come up with a game that you can play with your son or daughter from a distance. For example, compose a funny fairy tale with a happy ending or come up with poems about how happy children are when mom always comes back.

Words said even in jest that his mother abandoned him are taken seriously by the child. The grandmother must constantly maintain in him the confidence that he is very loved and significant to you.

In order for the child to feel his mother’s love, at first you can lay out small surprises for him around the house (a notebook, a hairpin, a bright pencil or a typewriter), which the grandmother will give him as gifts from his mother.

Most children feel great with strangers all day, but they categorically refuse to stay with them at night. Leaving a child even with a loved one overnight should only be done in the most exceptional cases.

The child must be absolutely sure that they will definitely come for him in the evening. If we leave a child with his grandmother overnight, the child must be warned about this. Otherwise, he will stop trusting and will be afraid to stay with her even for an hour.

The most important thing is to write it down better. If your child is prescribed a special diet, make a special note of the list of foods that are prohibited for him, as well as foods that contain similar ingredients. If medication is required, write down the dosage and time of administration in detail. You can draw a table with a schedule for taking pills. It’s even better to stick the following inscription on each drug: “Take 1 tablet (spoon) three times a day.”

If a child reaches out to his grandmother and willingly communicates with his grandfather, this means that he is calm and comfortable with them. But when your relatives begin to complain that the baby is turning from a quiet child into a fighter and a bully, or, on the contrary, becomes too silent and withdrawn, you should be wary. This is how he reacts to stress. It's okay if this happens in the first few days of separation. But, if this process is delayed, you should re-evaluate the situation. It may not be worth leaving your child with his grandparents for a long time.

Conflict of generations. Choosing parenting methods

It makes sense to immediately agree with an older person on the principles of raising a child. There may be several options:

Each adult has his own view of education and chooses his own communication strategy. Cooperation in this case is ideal option. It is possible to settle on this option only in cases where there are no fundamental differences in the methods of education in the family.

The grandmother plays the leading role in the family, and it is she who decides how to nurture her grandchildren.

Parents believe that only they can determine the strategy for interacting with their child and raising him.

Whichever option you choose, you should take into account that it is not so easy for the older generation to change their established views. Try as tactfully as possible to convince them of the correctness of the innovations. If one of the methods is not so important for you, in some cases it is worth giving in to a more competent grandmother and allowing her to behave with her grandson or granddaughter as she sees fit.

Of course there are different situations when the behavior of a person who is too demanding or, on the contrary, spoils her grandchildren too much elderly woman is not good for the child. However, any disagreements should be resolved as quickly as possible, because any conflicting relationship can have a very negative impact on the child’s psyche. Try to realize: perhaps banal jealousy of a child is preventing you from finding a common language.

A newborn baby needs his mother around the clock, because he may need something at any moment. However, gradually the child grows up, becomes more independent, and develops his own interests, even if it’s just a new car or bright blocks. By this time, parents begin to gradually get tired of their duties and the enormous responsibility associated with the birth of a baby. A short vacation spent just the two of you could be a great solution, but moms and dads are afraid to leave the baby.

Rambler/Family finds out at what age a child can be left in the care of a grandmother or nanny.

Analyzing the situation

Of course, every child is individual: some up to three or four years old cannot spend even an hour without their mother, while others already feel quite good in the company of other adults from the age of six months. Even among specialists in the field of child psychology, there is no consensus on at what age a relatively long separation from parents can be safe for a baby.

Therefore, in order to understand whether such a separation would be too strong a blow for the fragile child’s psyche, Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Yauza Clinical Hospital, advises taking into account several main factors. An important question is whether breastfeeding has stopped.

“It is believed that separation from a child who stopped breastfeeding less than two months ago can negatively affect his emotional state: the simultaneous departure of the mother and weaning from the breast is too serious a change for the baby. These two events can become intertwined in the child’s mind and negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.”

However, even a baby who has been formula-fed since birth may experience serious problems when separated from his mother - this depends on the type of attachment that he has formed in relation to her. Defining it, says psychologist Olga Kuznetsova, is quite simple: “If a child gets upset when his mother leaves, but at the same time knows how to occupy himself during her absence and is happy to return, this means that he has formed a healthy attachment and there are no pathologies in their relationship. If the baby is hysterical when he sees that his mother is getting ready, cannot find a place for himself without her, and at the next meeting behaves aggressively and vindictively - this is a reason to think that something is going wrong. Perhaps the child feels excessive maternal care and feels unprotected without her.”

We create favorable conditions

child with mother

Even if, after taking a closer look at your baby, you realized that he gets along well with other adults and does not feel a painful need for the constant presence of his mother, the implementation of the idea of ​​​​going on vacation together will require some preparation. First of all, you need to decide on a suitable person who will be ready to take responsibility and stay with the child for the period of your trip.

He needs to be devoted in as much detail as possible to all the features of the baby’s daily routine and behavior. Tell your grandmother or nanny how your day with your baby is structured: what time does he wake up, when and what is he used to eating, what does he usually do in the first and second half of the day, what time does he go to bed and how long does he sleep during the day, where and how long do you usually walk, how your evening bath and going to bed - all these details can play an important role in providing your child with a familiar comfortable life in your absence.

Do not forget to also instruct your “deputy” on how to behave in force majeure situations - if the child has a fever, an allergy, or he is simply capricious and does not want to go to bed.

If you plan for a nanny, grandmother or other relative to move in with you during your absence, then your child will not have to get used to the new place. If the child goes to a new home, then think in advance about adapting the baby himself to the conditions in which he will spend a week or more. In the time remaining before your vacation, try to visit more often so that your child gets comfortable with the new place. Some experts prefer this option, since at home the baby may feel the absence of his parents more acutely, while in another environment he will be less likely to remember them.

Go and come back

So, the suitcases are packed, the grandmother (or nanny), instructed and armed with all the necessary equipment, is ready to devote herself entirely to the baby during your absence, and the child himself plays happily in her arms. All you have to do is get to the place to spend a few unforgettable days together.

For a full-fledged vacation, it is better to choose a place where you can simultaneously relax, unwind, and actively relax - that is, embrace all possible impressions. In Florence, for example, you will find echoes of the great past, harmony and tranquility of quiet European streets, noisy fun in central establishments and, of course, romance - here it is literally in the air. In a week, you will not only have time to visit all the museums of the capital of Tuscany, but also enjoy each other’s company - as if you were on your second honeymoon.

Of course, parents, having been separated from their baby for a long time for the first time, will feel some anxiety and concern. However, try to limit yourself to one or two communication sessions a day with your family: by doing this you will not create unnecessary stress on the baby’s psyche, forcing him to remember more often that you are not around, and you yourself will be able to rest and relax - after all, after all, this is what everything was started for. Take time for each other and enjoy the new environment and vivid impressions.

But upon returning home, be ready to begin your duties with renewed vigor. These may include the need to restore weakened contact with the child. Psychologist, consultant for the service for finding nannies “Pomogatel.ru”, head of the personal development studio “Lada” Marina Smovzh notes: “The first thing parents may encounter is the child’s mistrust. Mom and Dad will have to restore it. If we use a metaphor, this work of restoring trust can be compared to paying off a loan - you will need to pay not only the debt, but also the interest on it. In other words, prepare to give more to your child.”