Dad beats mom: what will the child grow up to be? Dad, don't hit mom! Children talk about how they survived domestic violence. A child saw his father beating his mother and the consequences.

A conversation with child psychologist Elena Klochko about how bullying by a mother changes a child’s life and how you can help him.

Contact phone number for victims of domestic violence- nationwide hotline — 8 801 100-88-01

Contact phone number for placement in the Shelter for women victims of domestic violence - 8 029 610-83-55

Nationwide children's line - 8 801 100-16-11

TUT.BY continues to publish materials revealing the essence, causes and consequences of domestic violence as part of the “” project. Domestic violence is not just about partner violence. This is equally about violence against a child, who in such a situation is always a victim. Seeing your mother being beaten is always a trauma with long-lasting consequences. Becoming the object of switching aggression from your mother to you is always a trauma with long-lasting consequences. A woman without children seeking shelter and help in a situation of domestic violence is an exception to the practice, since in most cases she is the mother of several minor children. Two years of operation of the Shelter for Women Victims of Domestic Violence confirms this experience - almost all clients moved in with children. Psychologically traumatized children - as a result of the actions of their fathers or their mothers' partners.

Kitchen Shelter for women affected by domestic violence. Tamara P. fries pancakes. A long-legged, thin, dark girl in emerald earrings, looking no older than thirteen years old, runs up to her, whispers something in her ear and runs away.

- What a beautiful granddaughter you have.

- The one who was just here.

- Sasha, yes. The eldest, from Karina’s first husband. So, what genes! Of course, it’s not for a mother to talk about her daughter, but Karina is a beauty.

- Right.

- How much did this girl endure? I turned gray (points to the gray strands on my head) while Sasha lived with us for three months and told me that he ( second husband of Karina L. - Approx. author) did with her. She's twelve now, look how thin she is. Doesn't eat anything, problems with nutrition. Every time she remembers how he stood over her. Where does he have this attitude towards her? He was just tormenting the child. I took a cold shower and wore a T-shirt in the cold. He forced me to drink urine because it started to pee. She says that he put her finger on the edge of the table and put a knife on it, saying that he would cut it off now. And she somehow jerked and cut herself. Oh, what a nightmare that was going on there. It’s good that psychologists are working with her.

Child witnessing violence: anxiety, fearfulness, aggression

per month Elena Klochko, child psychologist, a volunteer of the NGO “Radislava”, conducts about thirty psychological consultations. She has been working at the Shelter with children and their mothers for just over a year and a half.

— I came to Radislava when there was a need for my specialization. Often women move into our house with children who need psychological help just like mothers. And, as you know, when a need appears, a person appears. I am that same person - a child psychologist.

— What problems do children have who constantly witnessed how their father abused their mother?

- I would talk about psychological problems. Anxiety in children, fearfulness. Social fears and fear of the dark are updated. Various types of neurotic manifestations, biting nails or lips. There may be tics. Tearfulness, disobedience. All these manifestations are quite typical for children who lived in a situation of domestic violence. Babies have frequent stools. Our body and mind are interconnected, there is no arguing with that. There was a case when, in front of a little girl, the father constantly beat the mother and strangled her with either a chain or a computer cord; later the child fell ill with leukemia. I would not take upon myself the responsibility to say that these events are not interconnected.

— Aggression in children who are not at all aggressive by nature. I recently observed the situation. A little boy, three years old. Unfortunately, I was present in situations where my father was aggressive towards my mother; including periodically throwing forks and various objects at her. The boy was at the epicenter. And today he is in the Shelter, in an absolutely safe environment, his mother is talking to him. He is smiling, he is charming, he talks to his mother. Then she says something that he doesn’t like, he begins to scream, modeling adult intonations, uses some adult words and, abruptly jumping up to her, forcefully grabs her chest and twists it.

- Why did this happen?

— Young children do not understand what they are doing and how far they go in their action. It is obvious to me that such a picture was photographed somewhere by him; it was left behind how his father acted with his mother. There is such a phenomenon in psychology: identification with the aggressor. It’s very scary to be afraid of someone, but if you imagine that you are this monster, then the fear recedes.

— How do you work with such children?

— There is a lot of play in the children's world. Therefore, the game performs an important function. The game is a language they understand. That's what I use. I am a director, a screenwriter, and a facilitator of the process. Through play I diversify children's aggressive potential. Defense has the same aggressive nature as violence. Some aggressors attack, other aggressors defend. The same thing can be modeled in the children's world. In our room there is a huge tiger and a giant dog, and in the game they act as aggressors - mom needs to be protected from them. And the child grabs an imaginary sword, fights the dog and the tiger to save his mother. And little by little, the child develops the belief that mom is “one of our own,” mom is good, mom can only be protected, but not beaten or shouted at. And so he turns from a potential rapist into an active defender. Again, working with a child should not be the only option. In this matter, it is important to be in alliance with the mother, to correct her behavior: to teach inner peace, to teach her to set boundaries in a conversation with the child. Children who grew up in an aggressive environment have a clear understanding that there is a place in the world where it is very scary, but at the same time, in their perception, there is no place where there is stability. When mom is firm, calm, you can lean on her, but when mom herself is like a wave, then it becomes very scary. Therefore, in difficult situations, a mother should clearly but calmly draw boundaries for the child, explain to him what is bad and what is good. She should be a support for the child, no matter how difficult it may be, because it is with parents that we are on a non-verbal level in early age We absorb confidence, a sense of security. You can’t be angry when he makes you angry, you can’t laugh like a little girl when he makes you laugh - in any situation you should take an adult position so that he sees you as a support.

Mom is the beginning of a child’s fears

— Is there a relationship between the mother’s post-state and the state of her child?

— In my work, mother and child are communicating vessels. Moreover, than younger child, the smaller the distance between him and mommy. In situations of victims of domestic violence, it is very clear that in a crisis the distance even between adult children and their mothers sharply narrows, they begin to feel each other more strongly, depend on each other more tightly. I often observe that if it is not possible to stop the mother’s fear, then it becomes difficult to help the child. Of course, the child is an extension of the mother, but in the context of my work, the mother is the beginning of the child’s fears, which is why the work of a child psychologist is dual work.

— Did the children you work with in the shelter understand and realize what their father was doing to their mothers? Are they bothered by memories?

“Many people understand and realize, especially if the child is older. Six-year-olds and older children, as a rule, understand and are aware, unless, of course, the repression mechanism has worked for them. Children often block such memories, which still come out sooner or later. The guys try to separate reality from the traumatic experience, but when the games begin, when they begin to relive the previous negative experience through playing or watching films where there is aggression, then memories flash up. I can immediately remember a five-year-old boy who was in a bivalent state: sometimes he understood, sometimes he didn’t understand, as in that cartoon: “ And sometimes the ant believed the words, sometimes he didn’t." He said that dad was good, but then associative flashes began, especially during games, and he remembered that dad was not so good. Moreover, when the guys started to start some kind of aggressive games, he first got scared, and then took the role of the aggressor and violently played this role. The five-year-old girl also tried to consciously block the memories, but during a scene in the film she suddenly said with an exclamation: “ That's how dad threw his coat on mom! That's how he beat her while she was under her coat! That's how he strangled her" Children often react to what has happened through physical activity. When they are won, when the body is actively involved, they remember.

— Do you only use games when working with children?

— In the process of correcting children’s behavior, drawings are important, creativity is important. Any bad thing always wants to hide in the subconscious. In children, typical patterns of behavior (anxiety, fear, sadness) often jump out and make their debut in the drawing. Let’s say, the boy tells me, that he’s not afraid of anything, but when you give him a felt-tip pen, paper and pencils and ask: “ Draw your fear", he draws it on the entire A4 sheet, where 2/3 of the sheet shows an open mouth with fangs. Yeah, that means we have a grown-up boy in front of us, who is confident that he has coped with everything. In reality, things are such that everything remains hidden in him. Fear can and should be worked with, it can be transformed.

After weeks of therapy, with each new request to draw fear, the picture gradually changes, and the black outline of fear turns into a purple outline of sadness. Over time, the background also changes: instead of white and dirty green, it becomes yellow. Then suddenly it turns out that the same contour of sadness can be drawn with a green resource color, and this monster himself is not such an enemy to him, he wants to protect you, he has a message for you: “ Don’t go to unfamiliar places, and at night on the way to the toilet I will protect you, don’t be afraid" And it turns out that you can make friends with the monster. And it decreases, and instead of a grin, a smile appears. It would seem like just drawings, but in fact it is the deepest work with feelings, with consciousness and subconsciousness. The creative space is good for adults, but for children the treatment direction is most effective. Process traumatic experiences in play, live through drawings.

Aggressive dad, aggressive mom, aggressive child

— Will the child adopt the father’s aggressive behavior pattern in the future? How to prevent this?

— I don’t have statistical data on how things are going there adulthood my children with whom I had the opportunity to work, so it is difficult for me to theorize on this topic. I repeat, in children, aggression shoots out when there is identification with the aggressor. It’s good if she shot at a toy dog, but it also happens that she shoots at a child nearby, at her mother. And the only right solution is to work with a psychotherapist who is able to correct behavior. Try to eradicate destructive patterns in the bud, which, indeed, can lead to dire consequences in the future. Do not fuel aggression under any circumstances. Unfortunately, I have recorded many times that women who have gone through violence beat their children at the moment of their psychological breakdown. They can't stand it. This is wrong, especially if the mother is motivated so that the child does not grow up aggressive. Sometimes a child loses his temper, and his mother spanks him with all her heart, while she thinks: “ I don’t beat him like my husband beat me, this is a process of education" But your husband also “raised” you! But for a child this does not matter - he perceives violence as an adequate pattern of behavior. Aggressive dad, aggressive mom, aggressive child.

It is very good if, instead of spanking, a mother talks, conducts a dialogue, negotiates, seeks a compromise, and even if she does not reach an agreement at some stage, she still does not use physical force. When a child sees that his mother can exist in the world without resorting to violence, he has a choice. I wholeheartedly advise our mothers in the shelter, if there is such an opportunity, to attract a resource man: a brother, a grandfather, a family friend - any man who is a model of worthy behavior from whom the child can base his picture of the positive masculine principle of the world. And it exists.

“A father like him is better than no father at all” is a common thesis used by women when they find reasons to stay with the aggressor. Your counterargument?

“We always talk with the mother about what she wants for the child. Notice that she uses the word “father” and not the word “husband,” which means that the interests of the child are a priority for her. Typical paternal patterns are important to her: protection, material security and emotional security. That is, we spin this desired image, dissect it, and then I show her a mirror that reflects what she really has: does her child have protection with him, does she have security for her child with him? How was it for the child in that situation? And in that one? He had an emotional outburst at that time, and this has little to do with the desired safety of your child. How can he feel better? And it’s better for him here and now, away from his husband. And when she lets it pass through herself and finds an honest answer to her main question, she says: “ My child doesn’t even need such a father.».

Real stories

1. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Anna L., a victim of domestic violence.

“He didn’t like the way his son hung his trousers.” Then he began to accuse the ten-year-old boy of lack of independence, that he showed little initiative at school. As a result, he first beat him, grabbed him by the neck and lifted him with his hands to the height of his height. The child shit himself at that moment. I didn't write a statement or anything. We just packed up while he was gone and fled the city. Now I have filed for divorce, my son and I will somehow start everything from scratch.

2. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Anna T.

— Parents often argued. My father often shouted and could raise his hand against my mother. It seems to me that my entire childhood. But I can’t say: every week or every day? It was such a feeling... when you are very small, tiny, and adults, they are big... My father is big, tall. And when they started to quarrel, my mother shouted: “ Help me, help me" I ran to the defense and tried to help somehow. My father did not beat me at these moments, he calmed down. For my mother, I was something of a shield. This feeling is strange when you are called for help, and you, a little person, understand that you are unlikely to be able to do anything physically, but at the same time you still get blown up and run.

— Did you protect your mother? Or was she trying to stop her father?

- I protected my mother. I could stand in the doorway and I would be very, very scared. I cried with the words: “ Calm down, calm down" Of course, when such incidents began to repeat more and more often, I no longer ran anywhere. I had a place under the table where I climbed and hid in the corner there. I cried and waited for it to be over. For a long time there was a feeling that my mother had all these problems because I was born: I appeared - and therefore my mother cannot develop, cannot go out anywhere, I am like a burden, because of which my mother cannot protect herself from my father. Then suicidal thoughts appeared, and I began to calculate my options.

- What options?

- There were a lot of them. The most obvious one is, for example, jumping out of your window.

- What stopped you?

“It’s simple: after I cried everything out, I didn’t have enough strength to do anything other than crawl out from under the table, crawl to the sofa and fall asleep.

3. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Svetlana Zh., a victim of domestic violence.

“He beat the children, he beat me.” I once broke the little one's arm. He always hit him on the nose, and his nose is weak, it always bleeds. Once he beat him and put him in a huge vat of ice water to stop the bleeding.<…>I never let my children out to play with other kids. Everyone is running and playing, but our Katya and Vanya are at home, the gate is always closed.

4. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Anya M. (fourteen years old) and Yulia P. (Anya’s father’s partner), victims of domestic violence.

- Anya, did he often beat you?

- Often, if I do something wrong. He constantly hits him with his hand: sometimes on the ear, sometimes on the head. He said call your mom and ask her to come back. I call her, but she, for example, cannot come for the weekend. I hang up and tell him about it. He starts beating me - I haven’t cried enough, I haven’t asked enough, since my mother won’t come.

“Before, when I ran away alone, he beat her for it.” " Why didn't you follow where mom went?", is his reasoning. One day he cut her hair when I “escaped.” In seven months now (takes short strand the girl's hair and straightens it in length) only as much as it has grown. One day in the middle of the night I threw her out of the house to look for me. It turned out that she was paying for my sins.<…>And we have been putting up with this for a long time. Anya is still before me. She was silent, she was little. But now he takes on such a character, a sadist and a beast. The child's nose is broken for the second time.

5. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Elena V., a victim of domestic violence.

- And it has always been there. All my life. Since the early childhood. What once seemed normal to me turned out to be violence. My father ran after my mother with an ax. He beat her. The violence gradually moved into my marriage.

6. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Antonina D., a victim of domestic violence.

“I always had an inner feeling that I shouldn’t leave my daughter alone with him. And one day I heard him telling her some fairy tales. Will explain. It was unbearable to be near him, but I couldn’t allow my daughter to be near him and out of my field of vision, so I took my iPad, turned on lectures, plugged in headphones - I didn’t hear anything, I sat in a chair. And then somehow... I hear him describe the following picture: there is a squirrel, he and his daughter are running, forest, trees, smell the flower, feel the breeze, the sun. And the daughter asks: where is mom? And he answers: “ But mom is not there, mom hid behind the curtain" And next time another fairy tale, where I was also not there. " Where's mom?“- the daughter asks again. " Mom at the stove", he replies.

And I don’t understand anything at all. It’s good that my friend is a psychoanalyst! What a blessing. And she immediately explained to me that he was zombifying her in this way. He planned to live with her, without me. I had assumed this before, but now I was faced with its action.

And he also bought her colorful books every now and then, where the main characters and heroines do not have a mother. For example, "The Little Mermaid". My mother died there, my mother is not there. A friend, when she took this book, said something like this: “ Don't think that he scares you. He actually takes action. He has a specific goal, he takes steps. Be careful" Well, then the enchanting began.

7. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Daria S., a victim of domestic violence.

“Now I know that I don’t owe anyone anything.” I only owe it to my child, and if I don’t look after myself and don’t feel good, then the child will feel bad. Now I’m afraid that I’ll grow up to be a monster just like my husband. I’m afraid that in twenty years my daughter-in-law will come and say: “Your husband has been beating you all your life, now your son is beating me.” I want to be proud of Vlad.<…>I hope that I’m worrying in vain, so the children’s psychologist says: “ Why are you worried? You have a great child. Clone this and give it to everyone».

8. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Daria S., a victim of domestic violence.

— Did he react to his father’s aggression towards you?

“The “reaction” still remains in him. If you knock me down even as a joke, he starts to go hysterical and scream. Fears closed door if mom is not in the room...

9. Fragment from a transcript of a conversation with Karina L., a victim of domestic violence.

“I also testified about raising children.” Now a child psychologist is working with them, and she tells me a lot about what fears the children experienced during all the time they were left alone with him. All my pregnancies were difficult, I was very for a long time was absent from home, lying in confinement. The district police officer asked him about this: “ What are these moments with children?». — « And this educational process. Yes, I'm a strict father». <…>When I was once again in storage, my eldest daughter I started writing at night. In passing, I’ll ask a question: what happened there that a five-year-old girl began to pee? She says that he pressed his fingers on her closed eyes and warned: “ If you do this again, you won’t be here.”. When she continued to pee, he forced her to drink his urine in a glass. She somehow couldn’t learn the poem, he came, wrapped her hand in a towel, left one finger uncovered and put a knife to it with the words: “ Now tell me and try to make a mistake. If you make a mistake again, I'll cut off your finger». <…>The older one has problems with food. Doesn't eat anything. This was also the case. He forced her to eat something, she couldn’t, then he took a five-liter bottle of water and said: “ Oh, you don’t want to eat, then you’ll drink it all" She tells the psychologist: “ I drank this water, and I felt so bad that I thought that I would never drink water again for the rest of my life.».

Almost all of my clients who saw how their brothers or sisters were “raised” with a belt spoke about the same desire - to hide somewhere very, very far away, not to be heard or seen, to disappear. The word “unbearable” was heard many times.

Why is this so scary and so catchy? Helplessness is the most difficult condition for a person. You see someone else being hurt, but you can’t do anything.

How is witness trauma different from victim trauma?

The one who is beaten is busy with one thing - physical survival. There is no time to analyze, you dodge blows or turn on patience. This is a slightly altered state of consciousness: you are in battle, you are busy, you are saving yourself. Yes, most often you lose, but at least you do something - at least scream or curl into a ball.

What about the witness? He is not busy saving his body, he is not attacked or threatened (at this moment). It is also important whether they are not beating him at all or not just now. If he was once beaten, then his pain from past scenes and the fear that he will be next are replayed in his head. And if they never beat him, he still turns out to be a hostage: violence happens before his eyes.

In either case, the witness experiences shock trauma. What happens next depends on whether the child was supported or not after the incident. For example, my grandmother hugged and reassured me. Mom woke up, cried and apologized for losing her temper to both children. If the child does not receive consolation and support, there is a high probability that the trauma will “get stuck” in the psyche for many years.

Witnesses of violence subsequently often behave aggressively themselves, they have outbursts of anger, and sometimes rage

The child witness experiences his powerlessness especially acutely because he seems to be able to rush to help, intervene, scream, and persuade. But few people decide to do this because of shock, fear and misunderstanding of what is happening (after all, parents call it “education” or “punishment”).

Even worse than seeing what is happening is hearing it. The cry of a brother or sister, the way the blows sound. I myself have such a childhood experience. You can't escape, plugging your ears doesn't help, you're a hostage.

It’s not for nothing that action films show how someone close to them is tortured in front of the hero’s eyes. But the hero is tied up and can’t do anything... and gives away the secret.

It took me 10 years of therapy and a few months of immersion in the mountains before I could write about it relatively calmly.

Redirected aggression

There is one more thing that is more visible to the witness than to the victim - there is no love in a person who beats a child. He does not now see a living son or daughter in front of him, but sees “something” that is bothering him. And it's scary when before your eyes loving parent turns into a mad creature or a cruel sadist. What if the “real” parents don’t return? What if these are actually “real” parents? What if they don't stop? What if a brother or sister gets seriously hurt or dies?

And often a strange thing happens - the witness begins to hate the person being beaten.

Why? Yes, because “because of him” mom or dad gets angry. Because of him, the witness is forced to be here and endure what is happening. In fact, anger should be directed at the aggressor, but Small child cannot go up and hit a strong and angry parent. The beaten person becomes, as it were, a “criminal.”

And only after, in communication, this aggression will find a channel for release - to break something from a brother, to “snitch” on the mother, to make a dirty trick. Yes, or just hate, even if silently.

It is difficult to work through trauma on your own or reduce its impact due to too strong feelings

Quarrels and fights are becoming the norm. Contact is broken and not restored even when children grow up. In fact, the very ability to establish and maintain contact is impaired - hence the distant relationship with family.

Witnesses of violence subsequently often behave aggressively themselves, they have outbursts of anger, and sometimes rage, as if out of the blue. Developing increased sensitivity to injustice and at the same time - an increased tendency to run into trouble (robberies, fights, aggressive surroundings).

This is a consequence of the fact that the psyche does not read danger well, since sensitivity to aggression and threats is reduced. Women often have a heightened reaction to the tone and volume of their voice. Sometimes they cannot protect their children and do everything to avoid conflict. They are inferior to their husband, colleagues, mother-in-law, and children in everything.

Men often experience situations of hysterical aggression, also more like rage, when he tears and throws, breaks furniture and dishes. Such men do everything to remain “in a strong position” and not find themselves helpless. They often come into open conflict with their leader and easily get involved in disputes.

Is it possible to work through injuries on your own?

It is difficult to work through trauma on your own or reduce its impact due to too strong feelings. The pain was so strong, and the fear was so enormous that it was impossible to remember the traumatic situation.

Aggression is a little easier - some of it can be expressed by beating a pillow, tearing a glossy magazine, beating a carpet. In this case, it helps to have an idea of ​​who the hatred is directed at - mother, father, brother or sister.

Childhood is over, and only you, an adult, can help that frightened child who lives inside you

The main thing is awareness. You should not immerse yourself in feelings uncontrollably, otherwise the trauma will recur. If remembering a difficult childhood experience makes you go crazy, take a few breaths, wash your face, and next time see a psychologist.

Appeal to the Inner Child

Here's what you can do without a psychologist: symbolically “pick up” someone small child who you once were and feel sorry for him. This is your wounded Inner Child who is still in the past. He stands there with his hands over his ears, or huddled in a corner.

You can tell him something like: “I know how much you hurt. I’m an adult now, I love you, I will always protect you, I will never let this happen again.” And if you're not protecting yourself well, physically or emotionally, promise him you'll learn. If you can't do it in your imagination, take a pillow, big toy and hug her.

Show love to yourself, to your wounded part. Now you are her parent, and it depends on you how quickly she grows up and leaves her fortress. Ask her forgiveness for the fact that sometimes you treat yourself the same way your aggressive parents treated you or your brother/sister.

Do not be afraid that you are dividing yourself into parts - you are doing this in order to later connect, gather into a whole. Only you know what your Inner Child will “answer.” Only you will feel whether he calms down or not, whether he trusts you or not.

Be patient - sometimes it takes a long time to get him back to safety and strength. Remember the child's feelings?

Powerlessness, helplessness. Make it “with” strength, “with” help.

Childhood is over, and only you, an adult, can help that frightened child who lives inside you. Including turning to others for help if necessary - a psychologist, a support group, a coach, a facilitator... Those who know about trauma first-hand and are ready to walk the difficult path to healing with you.

about the author

Psychologist, psychodrama therapist, body-oriented therapist, supervisor, teacher, coach, training leader.

It doesn’t literally mean that they copy behavior, which means they behave in exactly the same way...
The article is generally called:
“Six things that you should not do with a child.” Of course, this is all theory, and there are a lot of points of view, there are also scientific works that support physical punishment... Here everyone determines for himself which method is closer to him... But I believe that it is necessary to strive to manage your anger... I am a quick-tempered person, but at the same time balanced and I do not understand assault... I will never even call anyone names in anger.
1. Scream
A scream is not a fit of rage or a desire to harm the baby, but a signal of helplessness. This is exactly how children read it: they perceive screaming parents as insecure and unstable, which makes them scared.
Screaming is simply contraindicated in education: the fact is that it builds a demonstrative character in the child. When the mother starts yelling, the child gets used to crying, kicking the floor, stamping his foot and twisting it even harder. This happens because the child gets used to emotional reactions and uses them himself.
Easy to say, you might think. After all, children sometimes simply drive them crazy by exposing themselves to real danger. Is it really worth patting him on the head if he reaches for a hot frying pan?
Instead of shouting:
1. Agree with your child. If his constant refusals (to go for a walk, to eat, to go to school) make you hysterical, make him an offer that he cannot refuse. For example: either he is going for a walk, or his mother is not going anywhere with him (while the baby is running around with one laced shoe, just go back to your business - you have an agreement).
2. Leave the room. The vast majority of children's tantrums are absolutely demonstrative in nature. This is how the child tries to evoke emotions in his mother (and, by the way, not out of malice, but because he either doesn’t get enough of them or has too much). Let the little artist calm down: let him understand that provocation is a weak argument.
3. Calm him down. Let's say he again gives you a minor fit by lying across the corridor and hitting the floor with his fists. Calm down yourself, take a magazine or book and read until the child stops hysterical. The more often you repeat this, the faster your baby will learn to keep his emotions under control.
2. Beat
Of course, after reading this paragraph, most parents will say: “We didn’t touch him!” Now remember all these small slaps on the hand reaching for the socket, weak slaps in the face that should “bring him to his senses,” and other physical “little things” that do not cause him real pain, but frighten and humiliate him.
Children should never be hit, and the force of the blow does not play a role here. And we do this again out of helplessness: unable to control our fears, we make such mistakes.
Instead of spanking:
1. Do not a priori create situations where the child is in danger at home. While he is small, all sockets, electrical wires and heavy things that a child can knock over should be hidden and closed. If he reaches out to them, it’s already your fault: the child is just learning about the world, and not trying to make you angry.
2. Learn to calm yourself down. Count to ten, go to another room, tear up a piece of paper... But do not take your anger out on the child.
3. Explain to your child the principle of operation of an electric kettle, let him play with the iron turned off - let him study it thoroughly. Take time to open up the world to your child and explain the dangers it contains.
3. Pry into his personal life
This already applies to older children. They have new friends, first novels, their own companies... Parents love to start Gestapo interrogations on the subject of “what kind of boy is this” and “where does his dad work.” Children, like adults, are not happy that the most intimate details of their relationships with peers are the subject of idle discussion. Many guys themselves run to share, but only if they feel safe doing so - mom and dad will not ask him provocative questions, delve into his relationships and look for some hidden secrets.
Instead of interrogations:
1. “So how?” - a great start for a conversation in a friendly atmosphere when the child returns from his first date in his life. He answered “fine” - don’t ask questions. If he wants, he will tell you everything.
2. Unless we are talking about drinking and smoking company, do not give your assessments to your child’s friends. This will undermine his trust both in you and in his own friends.
3. Let your child have his own space. Let him not show you his correspondence, and let you enter his room only with a knock. Personal territory is very important for children - otherwise they grow up to be neurotic.
4. Drink, smoke and use obscene language in his presence
And this is already a policy of double standards. Dad’s can of beer, mom’s cigarette, an accidentally dropped incorrect phrase in a conversation with a friend on the phone... And the child is already beginning to perceive classic parental prohibitions as a humiliation of his own dignity (yeah, mom and dad can do it, but I can’t, because I’m worse?).
A child, what can I say, is a big responsibility. In connection with its appearance, the way of life changes dramatically, and this concerns barely noticeable little things. Any thing that you prohibit a child with the text “this is for adults” makes this thing automatically desirable and does not instill in the child an adequate attitude towards what can harm his health.
Instead of double standards:
1. You have your own nanny, grandparents, clubs... You can drink, smoke and swear outside the presence of the child. But it’s better to completely give up bad habits so that you don’t accidentally remember them at the most inopportune moment.
2. Give the child information. Together you can watch a scientific documentary about the dangers of tobacco, study the effects of alcohol on the human body and create in the child’s head not an intimidating, but a correct, medically literate picture.
5. Be afraid of his sexuality
Children grow very quickly, and according to statistics, at the age of 15 and a half they enter into their first intimate relationships. Before this, conversations about sex have already begun, they are looking for information about it, and they are simply spewing out all sorts of vulgarities.
Parents clutch their heads in horror: instead of telling their teenager about contraception, they instill in him a fear of this topic, which will have the most terrible impact when the child becomes an adult. Or even worse: trying to behave “competently” during the process of his sexual development, the parents begin to find out what he did and where he went for walks.
Instead of fears:
1. Offer your child information. You can start talking about condoms as early as 13-14 years old: the sooner he learns about it, the better. But you shouldn’t run after him with brochures about vein diseases: let him have the opportunity to turn to you for advice when he wants it.
2. Do not relate to his personal life at all. If mom and dad interfere with his first love, he may grow up with an inadequate perception of this feeling. And when parents know how to be friends with a child and respect his psycho-emotional autonomy, he himself is happy to share.
6. Require your child to be an excellent student
This point may seem controversial to many. Psychologists believe that parental ambition is firmly grounded in our mentality. This is probably the machinations of the Soviet past, when instead of individualism, people were taught humility and diligence.
For many parents, school success is a reflection of their own victories. Unfulfillment in life makes such fathers and mothers firmly believe that the child must be “the very best.” But the pressure put on him will play a cruel joke on the child: in the future he will not learn to take responsibility for himself, or will rebel, or develop the need to obligingly please everyone.
And why bother? Not all children are equally capable academically. And this does not make the child worse or better - it’s just that some are good at mathematics, and others are not. You don't blame yourself for not becoming a molecular biologist, do you?
Instead of requirements:
1. Accept your child for who he is. Let him not rise above “C” grades, and a gold medal will not shine for him: he has a lot of other talents!
2. Build the right psychology: studying is a child’s responsibility. The sooner the responsibility for grades hangs on his shoulders, the more independent and stronger he will become in the future.
3. Allow your child to always have the opportunity to turn to you for educational help, but never force it. This does not mean that he should spend hours on the Internet instead of studying - things that are dangerous to health should also be prohibited. But he might as well read or play with friends instead of studying next year's history syllabus. This is his life.
4. Remember that in our country there is an unhealthy attitude towards children's academic performance. In Europe and America parent meetings They talk first of all about the child’s psychology and his personal qualities, only towards the end moving on to grades. We, unfortunately, cannot instantly rebuild the entire Russian education system, but we can take good example from the West, and help the child within the family.

“Be patient for the sake of the children. A child must have a father,” this is often said to women who have problems in the family. Even when my husband beats and rapes me. But what does it really mean to “save the family for the sake of the child”? Is it for the good? And what do the children themselves say about this? Anya, Oksana and Natasha remember their childhood with horror. They grew up in families where dad beat mom, where stepfather molested stepdaughter, where younger brother tortured sister. They did not know where to turn, where to look for help and how to explain to adults that where the strong offend the weak, there is no family.

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

“The helpline told me not to interfere in my parents’ affairs”

“Dad beat mom,” he begins his story. Anya(name changed at the request of the heroine). - This happened throughout my childhood. I remember most acutely when I had transitional age- 11-13 years old. Aggression manifested itself when dad drank. He was never an alcoholic, but he could afford it once a week after work. I started with the banal:

Why are my socks not where I put them, but washed and lying in another place?

I found a clue. I went to the kitchen, where my mother was in the evenings. I could have broken the cup. Such intimidation - now I will beat you. Then he closed the door, and I heard him hitting it. I tried to go inside. When I succeeded, I stood between them. She said:

Dad, stop! Dad, don't touch! Daddy, daddy.

I was petting him somehow. Even in him, I tried to see the evil person and understand what hurt him. Sometimes he calmed down. If not, everything ended in bruises. It happened to me too.

He hit my mother mostly on the head. And he pushed - the kitchen was not very big - against the wall. Often he took me by the collar and threw me into the corridor.

When he was very drunk, my mother and I tied him up with ropes. They were afraid that he would get behind the wheel - he tried to drive when he was drunk. If we managed to tie him up, we stayed home. If it didn’t work out, they went to the neighbors or to my mother’s sister. Her husband also beat her. It’s interesting that when we came to them to hide from dad, and my aunt’s husband was at home, he felt sorry for us and said:

Yes, stay the night, what a horror.

And when he beat them, they came to us, and my dad already said:

Oh, what a bad Valerka.

Such a reversal of roles - from savior to rapist.

Once I broke my leg at a dance and walked around in a cast on crutches. When there was another fight, my mother and I jumped out and went to spend the night with our aunt. The next day, mom went to work and I returned home. I found the executive committee’s hotline number somewhere and called to find out what to do in such a situation. The phone was double, and while I was talking, dad was listening. Then he burst into the room, hung up, picked me up by my T-shirt and threw me against the wall. I couldn’t run away - my leg was broken. The shirt was torn.

In those couple of minutes, the aunt from the executive committee told me that there was no need to meddle in the parents’ relationship, everything would be fine, they would sort it out themselves. She repeated several times that I couldn’t go anywhere and that the issue had to be resolved peacefully.

When my mother came, I told her. She went to talk to dad. And he beat her. And then he calmed down. I sat, sewed up my T-shirt and cried. He said he wouldn’t do that again.

I remember my mother always called the police. I didn’t write any statements. It was never offered to her. They only threatened dad with a finger:

Man, calm down.

And dad calmed down. For about a month.

Mom always said: the only thing we can do is not live with him. That you need to sell your apartment. And not to live. But we didn’t have the money to leave. Mom worked at school.

Many people knew what was happening. Although my mother only came to work once with a black eye. Usually there were no bruises left - my father knew how to hit like that. Neighbors and relatives could host us for the night. But there was no talk of getting psychological help or legal assistance. I thought this was normal. This is part of life. You just have to be able to somehow get out. Two of my classmates were beaten by their fathers. My husband beat my aunt. It was everywhere. And if the police saw and did nothing... What could we do?

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

When I turned 15, my dad stopped drinking and being promiscuous. And then my mother finally made her dream come true - we separated. I agreed with my dad to sell our home, and with this money we bought an apartment in Minsk (my dad still had the apartment from his parents).

We communicate very rarely now. He still feels guilty. Most importantly, when I was little, he made me feel defenseless. That there's nothing I can do. And I decided, when I grow up, to make sure that the strong never mock the weak.

“I knew: if I turned to the police, everyone would turn their backs on me”

“We have a big family,” he says. Oksana(name changed at the request of the heroine). - Five children. The older brother and sister lived with my mother's mother. Another sister (two years older than me) is with my father’s mother. Me and my younger brother are with my parents.

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

Dad loved me. But he drank. Either from loneliness, or from a difficult childhood, his mother beat him until he lost consciousness when he was little. He drank a lot, did not work, and only occasionally acted as an extra. When he didn't have enough money, he sold our things.

Because of this behavior, his mother began to quarrel with him. She worked from morning to evening, trying to feed her family, and here he takes out the money. The scandals were terrible. I was little and very scared. He only beat her when we weren't looking. But he constantly grabbed knives and waved them, shouting that he would kill my mother.

Each time I made my parents promise that they would not fight. Every day they violated it. When I had my 9th birthday, I asked my mother to buy my dad a drink instead of a gift - then he would calm down, and the house would be calm.

I felt very sorry for dad. But I was afraid that he would kill my mother, and often wished him death.

Due to constant stress, I often had hysterics. My grandmother (the same one who beat my dad as a child) took me to her place. I lived with her from fifth to ninth grade. She was very caring and fed me good food. But sometimes she was overcome by fits of rage. If I didn't listen, she said:

You will wash yourself with blood!

She could hit me on the head with a textbook or grab her by the hair and throw her into the radiator. Very similar to the grandmother from the book “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard.”

Dad soon died of alcoholism. And my grandmother began to get sick a lot. I moved back in with my mom and younger brother. Very soon he began to beat me. Followed in my father's footsteps. This is understandable - he has not seen any other attitude towards a woman, and he thinks that hitting is the norm. When I ran to the receiver to call the police, he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me across the floor, throwing me on the pillow. Smothered with a pillow. With your hands. A robe belt. The neighbors came to hear the screams a couple of times, but then he began to take it away from me. mobile phone and the keys, locked the door and left so that I wouldn’t go out anywhere and couldn’t open it to anyone.

Mom was on his side. I thought I was provoking him by not being able to fight back. She said:

Calm down, the kids are all fighting!

But we were no longer children - I was 20 years old, he was 18. He punched me in the eye, in the nose, twisted my arms. A classmate once said: “I think someone is beating you.” And I came up with a story that I was a sleepwalker, I walked around the house at night and banged my face into doorways. Or she said that I have thin skin.

I stopped calling the police. I thought he was my brother after all. I remembered how I looked after him when he was little. I also understood that if I turned to the police again, everyone would turn away from me.

I went to live with my older sister and brother, in the apartment of another grandmother. Her husband lived in the same room with her sister. He turned out to be an alcoholic and an aggressor. When his sister was not at home, he drank very heavily. Becomes inadequate. He came to me, grabbed me, put me in his chair and didn’t let me leave. And in the morning I pretended that nothing had happened. I realized that this cannot continue. Miraculously, I contacted “Radislava” via the Internet and ended up in the Shelter.

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

Since I was nine years old, I have been biting myself. Then she pulled out her hair. At the age of 16, I started cutting myself and didn’t notice how it became a habit. At the Shelter, psychologists help me cope with self-aggression. And also - to become independent. I have already found temporary housing and am working as a nurse in a dental clinic. I'm studying to become a psychologist and finishing a tattoo course. I take English classes and learn to draw—I found all these courses through the Vault. There they support me a lot and help me develop. And I finally feel alive and needed.

The family doesn't know anything. One day elder sister I saw an article about violence on my social network page and got very angry. She wrote to me: “Where have you seen violence in our family?” Although she herself took me bruised from home when my brother beat me. She said:

Understand, the world is cruel. You just have to learn to protect yourself. Everyone lives like this.

Recently I wrote to her about what her husband did to me. She read the message but didn't respond.

“My stepfather pestered me, and my mother didn’t want to listen to anything”

“My parents divorced when I was six,” recalls Natasha. — Andrei appeared very quickly. At first I even called him dad - the relationship was very good. It all started when my mother gave birth to her second child, and Andrei began to drink a little. I was 12 years old.

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

One day relatives came to visit us. They were put in my room, and I went to bed with my mother and stepfather. Mom was lying in the middle. At night he climbed over it and I felt that he was touching me. At first I didn’t understand what was happening. I thought maybe I confused him with my mother. And he crawled up my leg, over my tits, under my nightie. I blew myself up and ran to the toilet. I sat there until the morning.

I was thinking about what I needed to tell my mother. But, like many children, she didn’t say. I was afraid that he wouldn't believe it. And in general - suddenly it seemed? She remained silent. I stopped calling him dad.

The relatives left. But everything began to repeat itself: he came to my room, always drunk, lay down next to the bed and with his disgusting paw climbed under the blanket and began to touch me. I ran to the toilet. He was leaving. The right thing to do would be to kick him, scream, wake up mom so she can see. But I didn't do that. I do not know why. There was just some kind of psychological block. All I wanted was to run away.

Do you remember when they used to bleach laundry, they boiled it and stirred it with such a long wooden stick? This was my weapon. I took this stick with me to bed, to the toilet, and believed that the stick would protect me.

I grew up. It was a disaster. I thought: “Lord, please make sure my breasts never grow again!” It was so scary! All this “femininity”. I thought the more I developed, the more this bastard would paw me. I finished praying (laughs) - at some point my female development froze and remained at the level of 12 years. Until my 19th birthday.

I started going to my friends and aunt. When I stayed at home, everything repeated itself. After some time, my sleep became so sensitive that I would wake up and jump up as soon as he came to the door. Then he stopped coming.

Economic violence began. He stopped giving my mother money for me. At all. Mom was on maternity leave, did not work, and we depended on him. My (biological) dad sent me clothes and things, but he didn’t know how bad it was - I lacked the most basic things. In late autumn I went to school in light boots and a light jacket. I was ashamed to come there like that, and I started skipping school. Now I would even go in a bag - I don’t care. But when you are 15 years old, and you go to the lyceum, where wealthy children are brought by car, and you came on foot, because there is no money for a minibus. And still dressed haphazardly. The pressure is terrible. A friend came to the rescue. She gave me clothes. But I still had 50% absences every year. I studied well, though. But she was a black sheep. The boys insulted me, locked me in the toilet when someone pissed there, and called me names. Problems began with communication in general.

The older I got, the more my stepfather and I fought. I decided to tell my mother about everything. She replied that I had invented everything to ruin her relationship with her stepfather. I still can't wrap my head around this. It got really bad.

I told my sister, aunt and uncle. The uncle shouted that “he’ll fucking kill this goat,” but, of course, he didn’t kill him. Aunt suggested depriving my mother parental rights, but I asked not to do this. I felt sorry for her. The police are also not an option - my stepfather touched me, but did not rape me. There was no crime. And I told him not so much to punish him, but so that they would hear me and believe me. And they regretted it. I really missed this “regret” at that time. For the sake of “feeling sorry” I could have hurt myself with something. Now I understand that the knife could have caused an infection, and in general - it hurts, why are you doing this? But when it worked, it was good.

As long as we remain silent and believe that this is normal, while we hammer into girls’ heads that the main thing is to save the family, such stories will be taken for granted

I entered a university in a neighboring city on a paid basis. I worked part-time to have money for travel. My father gave half the money for education, and my mother and stepfather had to give another half. But my stepfather didn’t want to, and I was expelled for non-payment.

Why didn't mom do anything? By that time, her stepfather had already drunk her thoroughly. She still drinks. She also had some kind of psychological block. One day I said:

Mom, look, I was expelled from the university, your husband groped me, I skipped school, I don’t have money for winter clothes.

Told her the truth. And from the realization she had an attack, she fell to the floor and lost consciousness.

It was January. I walked down the street in these autumn boots and I realized that I had nothing to lose. That we need to leave, even to Antarctica - everywhere will be better than here. I took the train and went to my dad. And while she was driving, it seemed she was reborn. Reset! You are in a new place where no one knows that your classmates hurt you, that you have never had relationships with guys, that your mother is a drunk, and your stepfather is generally a so-so person, that you live in a scourge. Nothing! You can fashion yourself however you want. These four years at the new university I was impudent, arrogant, and created the opposite image. Then I needed this to believe in myself. Now that I have a great job, wonderful husband, friends, I can allow myself to be myself - calm, kind, vulnerable. One thing I know for sure is that I will never return to that place again.

The stepfather got what he deserved. He died of alcoholism, painfully. Pancreatitis. It burned down in just a few days. I lay there and felt how the organs gradually failed - the liver, the kidneys - and there was no man. May the kingdom of heaven be upon him.

Illustrations: Liliya Khudik

When I read posts about women who have experienced domestic violence and see comments like “stupid, why didn’t she leave him?” or “she should have collected her things when he raised his hand!”, I understand those women. Under stress, everything works differently. I also couldn’t leave, tell everyone in the world so that he would be afraid to repeat his antics. I was embarrassed to say. To me! Although he should have been ashamed and afraid to go outside out of shame. I thought: this is my family, nothing can be done, we just have to be patient. And as long as we remain silent and think that maybe this is normal, while we hammer into the heads of little girls that the main thing is to save the family, such stories will be taken for granted. And such bastards will walk around as if nothing had happened.

Most victims experienced violence as children

The public association "Radislava" organized a Shelter for women and children affected by domestic violence. This is a home where you can come with children, where you can live and get help from psychologists, lawyers, and, if necessary, learn self-defense skills.

— At the Shelter we accept women who have experienced physical, sexual, economic or psychological violence. Most of our clients were witnesses or victims of violence in childhood, says the shelter psychologist Olga Kazak. “They often do not leave the aggressor because they are less sensitive to violence and more tolerant.

They are familiar with all this. They often have a guilt complex and low self-esteem. They believe that they do not deserve better and have never seen better. Ordinary relationships seem strange. Mom and dad's model is strong. Even if parents “don’t swear in front of their children,” children see and feel everything. And they often blame themselves or transfer their parents’ aggression onto themselves. And when they grow up, they search for the same emotional swings subconsciously. And before they know it, the partner’s one-time aggression develops into a relationship where there is nothing left but aggression.

“Women are often told: “Be patient, save the family for the sake of the children.” Let the child have at least some kind of father.” This is very bad,” explains the Vault child psychologist Elena Kozhakina.— Yes, there are those for whom stress is a stage of growth. But such children are exceptions. Most break down and live in the image and likeness of their parents.

All the children I work with at the Sanctuary are different. But there is something that unites them: low self-esteem, problems in communication (they are often withdrawn), constant fears. Often the child believes that it is he who provokes domestic violence through his behavior. Often internal tension results in serious health problems.

What should a child do? Ideally, gather the adults he trusts (aunt, neighbor, sister, friend), and definitely his mother, and ask if they notice what is happening? Often a mother blocks what she doesn’t want to see—she herself needs help. It is important to understand that Shelter is a woman’s conscious choice. But the child can contact the hotline.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

8 801 100 8 801

Emergency phone number for accommodation in the Shelter (24 hours a day):

+375 29 610 83 55

Psychologists will talk to him and try to contact his mother through the child. If a woman does not want to come to us, we can refer the child to other adults, to teachers, psychologists and to Social and Pedagogical Centers, depending on the area where the child lives.

We always say that you should not be afraid to call the police and write a statement. Yes, a family can be placed in a SOP (socially dangerous situation). In those cases where there are grounds for this. What is this most often? Unsanitary conditions, inadequate conditions, lack of basic necessities, scandals, etc. It is impossible to eliminate these criteria by remaining in the same house with the aggressor. But when a mother and child enter the Shelter, all factors of a “dangerous situation” are eliminated. This means that the woman and her children are safe.

How can you help

What Anya, Oksana and Natasha experienced is simply called horror. They endured pain from those closest to them for years. Because they had nowhere to turn. But the situation is changing, now there is a Shelter in Minsk that is ready to accept women and children who have suffered from violence, including from the regions.

Over the past three years, 365 people have lived in the Shelter, 146 of them are children. According to statistics, only 4% of women after the Shelter return to the aggressor. And they all return to the Shelter again. Psychologists work with them here. Mom is given the opportunity to learn new profession and become economically independent. A lawyer helps in court to resolve issues with housing and raising children. The woman and children feel safe and become more confident. Which means they can start new life, without violence.

The "NAMES" platform collects funds for the annual work of the Shelter: salaries of a psychologist, hired lawyers, a social worker, a project manager, rent of premises, payment for the installation and operation of a "panic button" alarm, consumables, etc. As a result of the Shelter's work, a psychologist and lawyers, about 100 women and children will receive temporary housing.

By clicking the "Help" button, you will help women and children start a new life - without violence.