How to encourage a child: ideas that really work. Methods of encouragement when raising a child Encouragement of a child at home

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At all times, parents have been concerned about the optimal upbringing of children - how encourage and punish to contribute to the development of a harmonious personality.
promotion- a strong regulator of behavior, with its help, learning occurs faster. But not every encouragement can be beneficial, just as punishment is not always harmful - there are no bad or good methods in education, but there are appropriate or inappropriate ones.
Encouragement and punishment can be carried out in two forms: material and psychological (spiritual). Modern society prefers the material form of reward and punishment, i.e. "I'll buy candy - I won't buy candy."

This is true for both the family and the school. The psychological form is rarely used, i.e. such features of interactions and relationships between people in which approval is manifested (attention to the child, empathy for him, support, faith, etc.) and punishment (chagrin, resentment, ostentatious indifference, anger, in extreme cases, anger). Naturally, the use of psychological means requires not only more spiritual dedication, but also quite a certain acting skill. No wonder A.S. Makarenko wrote that one cannot become a teacher until one learns to pronounce the words “Come here” with 20 different tones in the voice. The use of only material forms of encouragement and punishment brings up a dependent person, with low self-control, who is mainly guided by the situation: "If I get caught, I won't get caught." The use of a psychological form of influence forms conscience as an internal mechanism for controlling behavior.

Promotion Rules
In its effect, praise is like a drug; accustomed to praise will always need it. An overdose of praise is harmful.
Praise Limiters:

• do not praise the child for what the child has not achieved through his own labor (beauty, intelligence, strength, health, etc.);
• do not praise more than twice for the same thing;
• do not praise out of pity;
• do not praise out of a desire to please.

Individual requirements for the norm of praise

The following categories of children are especially in need of praise:

• children with an inferiority complex based on their actual shortcomings. Without praise, such children suffer. This praise is a benefit and a gift for the poor;
• children with a well-grounded “super usefulness” complex (really talented children). For them, praise is a growth hormone, they know about their advantages, but they need the recognition of others. If children are not praised, they will not wither, but they will not bloom either;
• conceited children with increased sensitivity to evaluation. In principle, praise is harmful to them, but they cannot do without it. Way out: do not openly praise, but give the child invaluable information about his real merits, avoiding comparisons with other children.

Types of Praise

1. "Compensation". It is used for those children who are seriously lacking in something (physical handicap, bad character, failures in life). They must be praised for what they have good, not necessarily achieved by them on their own (it is better not to abuse such praise, because such children can turn into spoiled despots).
2. "Advance"- this is praise for what will be, ahead of the type. It inspires a person to believe in himself. Our faith turns possibility into reality. Praise for what is not is not always the same as telling a lie.
It is necessary to praise in the morning and at night. Praise for the slightest attempt at self-improvement.
The following types of advance can be distinguished:
a) assert that the child does something better, regardless of reality;
b) to approve for the slightest attempts to overcome oneself and not to scold if it does not work out;
c) not to notice bad manifestations if they are on the same level, and when things got better, then notice and praise.
Using an advance as a type of praise, one should not overstep the line of the possible and not mislead the child.
3. "Lifting" praise. If we are going to increase the requirements for the child, then they must begin with praise, as inspiration for new exploits.
4. Indirect approval. Praise, in which, it seems, they do not praise, i.e. ask for help, advice, etc. In a conversation with another person, as if by the way, say kind words about the child, but in such a way that he hears them. These words should be at the level of ascertaining the merits of the child, but at the same time his negative qualities should not be offended.
5. "Explosion of love" (ambulance psychological assistance). It is used in extreme cases when the child has a crisis.

With all the disagreements around this method of education, it should be noted that it also has the right to be used, because it indicates an indifferent attitude, but about the love of parents for a child and, at the same time, gives him "absolution". Therefore, children tend to receive punishment and even try to use it for their own purposes.
Most parents believe that immediate punishments are more appropriate for stopping a child's disobedience, rather than preventive measures. It should be remembered that any method of punishment works the better, the less often it is used. With the frequent use of punishments, children become deceitful, dodgy, they develop fears, aggression.
Punishment has an inspiring effect if it is appropriate for the offense and is rarely applied.

• forced idleness - sitting in a special chair, in a corner, etc.;
• condemnation of behavior;
• folk remedy.

Punishment rules

1) When punishing, think: Why? For what?
2) Punishment should never harm health.
3) If there is any doubt whether to punish or not - do not punish! No punishment should be "just in case", even if it seems that you are too kind (s) and soft (s).
4) Only one offense can be punished at a time. "Salad" of punishment is not for children.
5) It’s too late not to punish - everything is written off due to prescription.
6) Punished means forgiven, turned the page of life - no reminders.
7) Any punishment should not be accompanied by humiliation, should not be seen as a triumph of the strength of an adult over the weakness of a child.
8) The child cannot but grieve - this is normal, so you need to treat this accordingly. Do not seek to remake the child, and do not allow him to live in fear of punishment.

You can not punish the deprivation of love!

Compiled by: psychologist GDPPND (Minsk) Kudryavtseva O.A.

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General rules for encouraging and punishing children

Punishment, like encouragement, has always been considered the only way to control children and people in general. Raising children is impossible without punishments and rewards. In Russian culture, the prejudices “beating means love”, “do not spare the rod”, “a kind word is also nice for a cat” are firmly entrenched.

Both punishment and reward aim to develop a conditioned reflex: wrong behavior is followed by punishment, and right behavior is rewarded.

Fair and unfair punishment of children

Fair one can name such a punishment that a child receives by violating those rules that have been considered and discussed by the parents, and which are known to the child. With unfair punishment, the child feels sincere resentment and misunderstanding of the meaning of punishment, and parents feel guilty. In this section, I will pay attention to those situations in which a child receives either undeserved or punishment “it is not clear why” and I will give recommendations to parents on how to act in such cases.

Children do not understand what they are being punished for, because they do not understand what is expected of them. The child pours cigarette butts on the floor from the ashtray and plays with them. His mother punishes him and tells him not to touch the ashtrays. In a child, an ashtray is associated with a specific green vase. And he doesn't touch her anymore. But the next day, his mother finds him doing the same thing with a different, blue ashtray. The child receives punishment, the meaning of which he does not understand. After all, he fulfilled the request of his mother and no longer touched the green ashtray. The purpose of this example is to show how different the words of the parents are, the goals they pursue in their upbringing and what the child understands. He did what his mother asked - not to play with the green ashtray, but did not understand the essence of his mother's request. This situation is more typical for young children who have not yet developed abstract thinking and generalization.

Parents should specifically explain to the child that cigarette butts should not be played with and thrown on the floor, regardless of the color of the object in which they are located. Those. specify as much as possible those actions of the child that are considered unacceptable.
Another reason is the lack of positive strokes when the child has no other way to get the attention of the parents.

How to act in such cases? The best solution would be to discuss with the psychotherapist how the child can receive well-deserved conditional and unconditional strokes, as well as the attitudes of parents regarding them.
Unfair punishment of children occurs as a result of the internal state of the parents, which is not directly caused by the actions of the child, but by situations, for example, at work - irritation, fatigue, etc. The child receives punishment for what parents usually do not pay attention to - untidy toys, etc. The child confusion arises due to the inconsistent behavior of adults.

How to act in such cases? By contacting a psychotherapist, you will be able to establish control over your bad mood and the behavior that follows it, as well as resolve your personal difficulties.
Sometimes the reasons for deviant behavior of children lie in the family situation. A typical example is a family on the verge of divorce, where the child tries to save it by all means available to him. He diverts the attention of parents from their problems with his behavior, uniting them in what diverts attention to himself. (By the way, a child’s illness can perform the same function.)

How to act in such cases? You should contact a psychotherapist to develop a line of your behavior. If a divorce is really inevitable, a psychotherapist will help you get through it with minimal emotional loss for you and for the child. If you have chronic psychological problems in your family, then the psychotherapist will help to establish a family environment, which will certainly have a positive effect on the behavior of the child.

E Another reason - perhaps the most tragic: an unloved child. Few parents can admit this to themselves, but if they find the strength to admit it, they have a chance to change their behavior (if not attitude) towards the child. Their reserve is a sense of duty towards the child. The reasons can be varied: in principle, an unwanted child (the woman did not want to have children, but “it happened”; the child is not of the same sex that the parents were expecting; the child is similar both in appearance and in character to one of the unloved relatives; rejection of the child by the stepfather or stepmother.)

How to act in such cases? Definitely, the parents, who admitted their negative attitude towards the child, took the first step towards correcting the situation. Here, the help of a psychotherapist to the parents themselves is definitely needed, which will consist in establishing control over their behavior in relation to the child and in working out the deep problems and feelings of the parents. With each case, the therapist works individually.

Remember that your parental task is to raise a child with minimal psychological trauma and loss!
Rules for punishing children

With any punishment, the child must be sure that the punishment is just, that he is still loved, and even being punished, he is not left without parental love.

In any punishment of children, they should not be deprived of the satisfaction of their biological and physiological needs.
The child must be informed about what offenses will be punished and in what form.

• Punishment of children should be temporary. (“You lose the ability to play the computer for exactly three days.”)

• When punishing children, insults and labeling should be avoided. Only the behavior or a specific act of the child is confronted, and not his personality.

• When punishing children, the recollection of past misconduct is excluded, you only talk to them about what he is being punished for right now.

• Punishment of children should be consistent, not on a case-by-case basis.

When is physical punishment necessary?

The main principle in choosing between physical punishment or some other punishment is the choice of the lesser of two evils. It is important to remember that the purpose of physical punishment of children, like any other, is his own good. Physical punishment of children should only be used in the following situations:

Physical punishment of children is lawful if the child's behavior poses a threat to his life and health. For example, a child, knowing the rules of behavior on the road, in spite of his parents, runs across the street in front of cars.

If the child's behavior threatens the life and health of others (playing with fire, fighting with weaker children.)

If a child deliberately and purposefully brings parents or other family members who are not able to fend for themselves (for example, younger children). The psychological underpinning of this kind of action is to test the strength and boundaries of the parents. If the parents cannot defend themselves, then the child cannot be sure that in a more dangerous situation they will be able to protect him.

Forgiveness

In our culture, asking for forgiveness is ritualistic. Often we demand an apology formally, without thinking about what we really want: true repentance or ritual words, and without realizing whether we are really ready to forgive.

Both asking for forgiveness and the ability to forgive require considerable mental strength. To forgive means to erase another's misdeed from memory as if it had never happened. But this requires time, understanding and feeling the reasons that prompted a person to commit an unpleasant offense for us. It is worth talking about what you experienced at the moment when you were hurt, give the offender time to think about whether he should ask for forgiveness and in what form, but in no case rush him.

Forgiveness means that you will never remember the offense and use it as a "trump card" in further disagreements. To forgive does not mean to forget, but rather to change the attitude towards what happened.

The child, before asking for forgiveness, must know exactly what he was guilty of. It is worth telling him about your feelings and giving him time to think about it without rejecting him as a person. At the same time, you need to be prepared for the fact that you yourself will have to repent of something.

Usually, asking for forgiveness is associated with a weakness that parents have no right to show in front of their children. In fact, by apologizing to children, we show our strength and set an example of how this is done.

Often we ourselves do not give the child the opportunity to realize his guilt. A boy who has done wrong to his grandmother is put in a corner. He is deprived of the opportunity to be distracted by other stimuli and activities, and is consumed by thoughts of his wrongdoing. But when dinner time comes, he is removed from there, although he may not be hungry, and thus his awareness and understanding of his guilt is interrupted. The reason is the priority of material values ​​(timely meals) over spiritual ones.

Ways to encourage

The younger the child, the more visible, tangible and urgent the reward should be. A small child has a poorly developed sense of time. Therefore, such a wording as “if you clean up your toys all week, then on Sunday we will go to the zoo with you” is unacceptable. The child does not understand well what a week is.

He can be offered to increase the time of reading a bedtime story, a new toy that he really dreamed about, but was not able to get it due to incorrect behavior, more joint leisure time (games).

In addition, I recommend hanging a wall calendar over his crib, and at the end of each day, together with the child, “rate” the day passed, marking it with a certain color: red is excellent, orange is good, yellow is average, and green is bad .

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Parent lecture on the topic "Encouragement and punishment of children in the family"

Goals:

• Help parents to solve this problem.
• To convey that the atmosphere in the family is the main factor in the successful upbringing of the child, his moral qualities.
• To increase the responsibility of parents for the formation of the child's personality, his actions and behavior.
• Be more respectful towards children, be more tolerant.

Equipment: computer, projector, film "What the children say", presentation, memos for parents, posters.

Good evening dear parents! Today we will talk with you on the topic "Encouragement and punishment of children in the family." This topic was, is and will be relevant at any time. Hear what our children have to say about this.

(Viewing the compiled film. Generalization)

How often do we have to deal with such situations and how differently we adults can react to it: someone will take up the belt if this happened to a child, and someone will remain silent.

Opponents of punishment argue that children should be brought up in such a way that the need for punishment does not arise. They believe that it is unfair to punish children, because in most cases, the child's misdeeds are blamed on his parents, who have their own shortcomings, which are manifested in the child's behavior. L. N. Tolstoy wrote: “ I think that it is not only difficult but impossible to bring up children well if one is bad himself. ". Is it moral to punish a child for being the way he was brought up?

However, there are no perfect children, just like there are no perfect parents. A.S. Makarenko wrote: Punishment is a very difficult thing; it requires great tact and caution from the educator" Punishment has an educational impact when it is not everyday, when the child understands its justice, when it corresponds to the degree of guilt of the committed offense.

SITUATIONS:

• Two children, finding out the relationship, had a fight. Both are guilty, but the father punished one, his father praised the other. The children reconciled, told each other about the consequences and remained at a loss: whose father is right? Is their fight a misdemeanor or a valiant act?
• The child committed a misdemeanor and is punished by a ban on watching an interesting film on television. And the whole family does not watch the film with him. A conscientious child is doubly upset by this.
• For a torn book, sometimes a child is deprived of books for several days; instead of a broken cup, they give a less beautiful mug. You can also cancel some planned entertainment.
• The child spat at another, to which they said in passing “you can’t do this”; he broke a vase and was severely punished. The child understood: you can insult, but you can’t damage property.
• He trampled down the neighbor's flower bed, which, at best, is followed by an indifferent “no”, or even no comment is made at all. He lost 10 rubles - he was punished. In the mind of the child, it is deposited: someone else's - you can, your own - you can’t.
• The child was rude to an adult and was not punished.
• The child deliberately knocked down his younger brother, who had just begun to walk.

This is meanness. For shameless, vile deeds, they are seriously punished not by deprivation of ice cream, here the angry reaction of parents is appropriate and natural.

Ignorance is the rust of the soul. Ignorance leads to meanness. Meanness is a mockery of the small, the weak, the sick and the old; this is humiliation of another, slander and slander, persecution.

The trouble is when a grandfather’s favorite book, or photographs dear to his heart, are torn by a child, and in the eyes of the parents this is just an innocent fun, while a scratch on the furniture turns into a tragedy (philistine views) - it is then that an immoral person grows up in the family. Such parents will reap bitter fruits: dying, they will ask in vain for a sip of water, as their children at that time will be engaged in the division of property with a scandal.

Without this feeling, punishment is not education. It is impossible to undersalt in punishments, but it is even more dangerous to oversalt. Everything must be accurately measured and weighed.

The child must understand that his good deeds are the joy of the whole family, bad deeds are grief for all its members.

Belinsky said: It is necessary to bring up a child in such a way that one stern look, usually from an affectionate mother, already becomes a heavy punishment for him. It will be fine if you do not need other measures of influence.

Of course, there are different punishments and punishments. But what to do when the punishment is forced, when many methods have been exhausted, and there is no desired benefit? Usually, such parents begin to threaten, yell at the child, give cuffs on the back of the head, and grab onto the only “saving” remedy - a belt! Without convincing the child of his guilt, parents, by their words and actions, to some extent push him to further bad behavior. In this case, the level of anxiety in the child becomes high, and the results of educational activities are reduced. The child becomes nervous, aggressive and unbalanced.

A. S. Makarenko warned about the same at one time. He said that " from downtrodden and weak-willed children then slushy and useless people grow up, or petty tyrants who, throughout their lives, avenge their suppressed childhood.”

— Physical punishment is unacceptable Physical punishment creates only the illusion of resolving the conflict: the child obeys, asks for forgiveness, submits. But in this case, his consciousness and connections with the outside world are broken, so the instinct of self-preservation, fear, makes him lead. Physical punishment causes inhibition in the cerebral cortex, the phenomenon of "eclipse" occurs. This explains the cry: “I'm sorry, I won't do it again!”, And not the understanding of this mistake. “Under the influence of a pain signal,” the work of all organs of the body is rebuilt. Physical punishment can be a sign of serious shifts in nervous processes towards pathology.

— Hysteria. To a hysterical cry, hysterical gestures and the child will respond in kind. Subsequently, he himself can become hysterical, intolerant, unrestrained towards this.

— There shouldn't be rage. In rage - fear, disgust, hatred, hostility. He will be afraid of his parents, and whoever is feared is hated. Rage leads to excessive punishment, which subsequently gives rise to the parents' pangs of conscience. When punished, and then cry, kiss. Now the parents are to blame in the eyes of the child, he becomes in the pose of the offended. All this is anti-education.

Often the child is not punished for misbehavior.

1. Do not punish if the love of parents is blind and irresponsible. And then permissiveness is brought up.

2. Do not punish if the child is not loved or indifferent to him. If they don’t love, they don’t expect anything except dirty tricks, they protect themselves from unrest, from the stress that accompanies punishment, and the absence of punishment gives rise to depression or bitterness. (Child asks mother: "Do you love me?")

What measures of punishment are acceptable in family education? Each child and his misdeeds are individual. Hence, the measures of influence for these offenses must also be strictly individual.

Suppose that 2 students were rude to grandmothers. From the point of view of everyday practice, they should be equally punished. Let's assume that this is what happened. Both dads say to one and the other: “Since you were rude to your grandmother, you, firstly, apologize to your grandmother, and secondly, you are punished for this today! You won’t go outside, there won’t be any skis or skates today! Alas, this form of punishment, as well as all others, can have a different, and sometimes diametrically opposite, result. One of the boys who loves skiing, skating, will really be punished. In the yard the guys play hockey, and he sits at home punished, deprived of this pleasure.

But the other, who is generally indifferent to skis and skates, will be extremely pleased. He will gladly settle down on the couch, open an interesting book and do what he loves - reading another adventure novel.

Same punishment, completely different results. We emphasize that when choosing a punishment, one should always proceed from the individual characteristics, tastes, and interests of the children. In each individual case, the measure of punishment should be different. It can be a remark, a slight expression of displeasure, a reprimand. In the other, deprivation of the right to entertainment, reward, pleasure - whether it is a visit to the theater, cinema, ice rink, circus, etc. The punishment will be effective if they are diversified in form. Former pupil

• forced idleness - sitting in a special chair, in a corner, etc.;
• deprivation of rewards and privileges;
• condemnation of behavior;
• folk remedy

(6 slide) Punishment rules

• When punishing, think: Why? For what? Ask yourself why the child did this, find out the situation and answer the question: should he be punished for this?
• If in doubt, punish or not - do not punish No punishment should be "just in case"
• Punishment should never harm health.
• Punishment is not for behavior, but for one act. "Salad" of punishment is not for children.
• It's too late not to punish - everything is written off for prescription.
• Punished means forgiven, turned the page of life - no reminders.
• Punishment should not be accompanied by humiliation, should not be seen as a triumph of the strength of an adult over the weakness of a child.

The child cannot but grieve - this is normal, so you need to treat this accordingly. Do not seek to remake the child, and do not allow him to live in fear of punishment.

« Reasonable punishment system- wrote A. S. Makarenko, - not only legal, but necessary. It helps to shape a strong human character, instills a sense of responsibility, trains the will, human dignity, the ability to resist temptations and overcome them.

(7-8 slides) When punishing a child, remember:

• Having committed a misconduct, you must react, the child himself is waiting for punishment, and if there is no punishment, he is disoriented.
• If a child deserves punishment, it should be inevitable, impunity is unacceptable
• Punishment should not be a quick and unfair trial. However, it should not be over tightened.
• Punishment must be consistent.
• The method of punishment works the better, the less often it is used. With the frequent use of punishments, children become deceitful, / dodgy, they develop fears, aggression.
• If a child goes to bed unpunished, he will start the new day feeling forgiven.
• It’s bad if you are punished for the same offense today, but not tomorrow. (The child set fire to the mailbox of one neighbor. The parents did not react, thus, as if approving the act of their son. He also set fire to the mailbox of another neighbor and was severely punished.)
• It is bad if the father praises for the same act, and the mother punishes.
• Any misconduct of the child should be warned.

(9 slide) When should a child not be punished?

• A child should not be punished because of illness or fatigue.
• A child is not punished if his temperament does not suit adults. A child of choleric temperament may cause dissatisfaction with harshness, straightforwardness, determination, assertiveness and stubbornness, but punishing him for this is the same as punishing a redhead for being a redhead.
• Sanguine is not punished for restlessness, and phlegmatic for slowness.
• A nervous child is not punished for tearfulness, excitability, just as a vociferous child is not punished for a loud voice, and in general children for noise.
• The child is not punished while eating. Punishment, reprimand at the table can be perceived as a reproach with a piece of bread.
• - Do not use punishments that are detrimental to health, such as depriving a child of a walk.
• Never use labor or mental work as a punishment.

Always, in any situation, respect the personality in your child. Even when punishing him for some misconduct, show tact and restraint. The child, without knowing it, by his actions, his attitude to rewards and punishments, takes the first steps towards the formation of character.

Why should children be encouraged?

If a child studies well, works conscientiously, behaves in an exemplary manner, he can be praised or even rewarded. But at the same time, it is important to take into account not only the final results, but also the efforts expended by him, perseverance. Children vary in their level of ability. For one only ability to encourage is not worth it. Diligence, diligence, diligence should be noted with approval. At the same time, parents should be especially attentive to children who find something difficult. But they are more often reproached than encouraged. Meanwhile, it is they who most of all need encouragement, approval.

It is useful to cheer up a modest or lost faith in himself and his strength, self-confident and arrogant should be encouraged very carefully. Some diligently learn lessons because they are hardworking and inquisitive, others because they are conceited and proud, others because their parents pay every five. Naturally, one should not equally evaluate and encourage their successes! In its effect, praise is like a drug, and therefore one who is accustomed to praise will always need it. Praise is a prevention against wrongdoing. An overdose of praise is harmful.

(10 slide) Praise Limiters:

- do not praise the child for what the child has not achieved through his own labor (beauty, intelligence, strength, health, etc.);

- do not praise more than twice for the same thing;

- for no particular reason

- do not praise out of pity;

Do not praise out of a desire to please.

A person needs at least 8 “strokes” per day, preferably different in the way and degree of manifestation.

If a child receives encouragement not deservedly, it loses its educational value and causes serious harm.

But not every reward can be beneficial, just like punishment. There are verbal or spiritual and material forms of rewards.

Verbal encouragement is expressed in the form of approval with the words: “good”, “correct”, “well done, etc.: Smile kindly, look approvingly at the child, pat on the head - and he will feel your gratitude. Well, if verbal praise means as much to him as a stern look.

If your child usually eats sloppy, but today he tries hard, praise him, say: - Well done! Good girl!

Say: “This is how well you put your textbooks away today, folded your clothes! Now I have time to tell you a story (or show you a puppet show, maybe go to the zoo).”

These are all good forms of encouragement. But every time, think about your promise, and make it only if you can really keep it.

Another form of gratitude (material) is a gift. This is one of the most vulnerable issues in the practice of family education. Improper use of it leads to immoral manifestations in the child.

Of course, children should feel attention to themselves, care and love of their parents. But these relationships should not be measured by the amount indicated on the cash receipt paid for the gift, and even less by the number of gifts-offerings. As practice shows, expensive things first please children, but gradually develop in them arrogance, alienation from their peers and, in the end, lead to the formation of petty-bourgeois views on life. Here is an example of this

Situation. The grandmother of one of the students says:

I love my granddaughter very much and always remember her birthday. And on this last birthday, I was very upset: I went to the store for a week, chose for a long time and bought her a book about Pushkin, a cup and saucer and sweets as a gift. And Nadia, unwrapping the gift, made a grimace and announced publicly: “We have books, we also have dishes, but we don’t need sweets so cheap!” And turned away.

These are the first very disturbing sprouts of future petty-bourgeois views on life! Nadina's reaction to her grandmother's gift is a reflection of her parents' views on things, their value and necessity.

Parents must know that giving things to encourage a child should take into account their actual needs and interests: first of all, these are books, various games, skates, skis, tools and other items that promote mental and physical development. They should also remember that the vast majority of children (with the exception of those who are already spoiled by their parents) have their own criteria for the value of a gift. It would seem, is it possible to compare, for example, a clock and a soldering iron ?! In our adult understanding, watches are of great value. But here is what a student tells a friend:

I would very much like to exclude from family life the most common method of encouragement - candy, chocolate. Children love to eat tasty food, and we should try to feed them in a variety of ways, without refusing to treat them. But to create a cult of food, to bring up excessive interest in it is not worth it. Yes, and too much sweet in the diet of a child is harmful. Of course, buying candy is easier than taking care of a child. Easier, but far from better!

And one more rule - encouragement should follow a good deed, and not be promised in advance: "Do this, and you will get this for that." The child must learn to get satisfaction from the very work, action, achievement of the goal, and not try for the reward. Indeed, in life, not every good deed is followed by a reward, and one should not teach a child to always expect it. In the process of raising a child, the feeling that parents have for their children and each child for his mother and father is very important. These are two sides of the same coin. A.S. Makarenko advised teachers, and especially parents, to use rewards infrequently, and not to resort to punishments at all without special need.

The main thing is the love of mom and dad for their child, their devotion to him, the desire for him only good and happiness.

A child, surrounded by reasonable parental love, most often grows up friendly, friendly in relation to the whole world around him. Tomorrow is a new day, and we must do everything to make it calm, kind and joyful. Parents, by encouraging and punishing, shape the character of the child. And what is the character, such is in many respects the fate of man.

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Praise is a kind of art of education. It can be both "useful" and "harmful". A number of simple rules will help parents master this art. By mastering them, you can avoid many mistakes.

Exaggerated praise immediately wants to "put in place", to show their true nature.

Do not scatter undeserved praise right and left, trying to win over the child. Many parents talk about the fact that the result of such unjustified praise was the completely unbearable behavior of the offspring. The parents shrugged their shoulders, calling it a paradox. And this is what happens: children feel insincerity, they immediately want to “put in their place” exaggerated praise, to show their true nature. The child, as if feeling doubts whether he is so “wonderful, sweet, irreplaceable”, tries to refute the praise with his behavior.

But how to make praise sincere, appropriate, correctly understood? The first golden rule is that praise should be directed to the act of the child, and not to his personality! Examples of harmful praise can be: “You are such a wonderful daughter!”, “You are a real mother’s helper!”, “You are so kind and sympathetic, what would we do without you?” The child may feel anxiety - after all, he is far from being as perfect as they say about him. And there are two options here. First: most likely, the child, without waiting for "exposure", will himself prove his "not so ideal" nature by bad behavior. But the second option is also possible, when the child himself will cease to be sincere and will adapt to praise and prefer only those situations where you can show off only your most advantageous side. And listening to the endless exclamations of loving grandmothers: “What a wonderful child! Exceptional abilities! Well, smart!" - the kid runs the risk of growing up a narcissistic egocentric.

The child will appreciate sincere praise, and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you.

So, if you want to praise a child (for example, for a cleaned room), do not rush to exclaim, “You are my assistant, what a great job!” Just say with a smile: "The room is now clean, so nice to come here." Believe me, the child will appreciate it, and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you. And if, for example, you want to praise him for a beautiful drawing, then do not rush to conclusions like: “You are growing up with me as a real artist!” - the child may doubt or be upset if the next drawing does not come out so well. It is better to pay attention to the drawing itself, for example: “What a big house you drew, there are so many bright flowers around, and you haven’t forgotten about the animals. And what a tall tree - how many apples are on it! Thus, you will show a keen interest in the creativity of the baby, but avoid a "harmful" assessment of the child's personality.

You need to be able to build your comments in such a way that the child himself draws conclusions about his abilities. For example, if your son helped you move a heavy wardrobe, instead of saying “how strong you are”, you can say how heavy the wardrobe was, how difficult it was to move it, but together you managed. The child himself will draw conclusions: “So I am strong, I am needed!” Or, having assessed the child’s ability in versification, instead of “You will be a wonderful poet,” it’s better to tell him: “Your poem touched me very much.”

The child must realize that he himself is capable of many things by nature, without making any special efforts.

2

The second golden rule - do not praise the child for natural things. Don't make something extraordinary out of his sociality. Psychotherapist Jean Ledloff explained this rule very well: “If a child has done something useful, for example, dressed himself, fed the dog, picked a bouquet of wild flowers, nothing can offend him more than expressing surprise at his social behavior. Exclamations like: “Oh, what a clever girl you are!”, “Look what he made, and even himself!” - imply that the sociality in the child is unexpected, unusual and unusual. The child must realize that he himself is capable of many things by nature, without making any special efforts. So is it worth confusing him with your misplaced praise?

3

And finally third golden rule - do not express your approval in financial terms. You should not encourage helping with the housework or the creative activity of the baby with money. A person successfully does what he chooses sincerely, for internal reasons. If the child knows that payment will follow the action, then he will radically change the nature of his behavior - from “creative doing”, his activity will turn into “making money”.

Having mastered the art of praise, do not forget that a kind look, a gentle touch, hugs, games, communication are also important for a child - in a word, everything that the language of love and trust is based on.

Text: Irina Belomaz
The text is abbreviated

Parents influence their child through rewards and punishments. Thus, they show their attitude to the actions that the baby has committed. Encouraging children is a fairly effective method of education, as a result of which the child has an incentive to behave well. If he did a good deed, do not forget to praise him. However, it is necessary to resort to encouragement in moderation, otherwise its excess can have a detrimental effect on the formation of a child as a person. Why encourage and how to praise a child?

Did the child do something good? So it needs to be encouraged. But how to do it right?

Praise and Punishment

On the advice of psychologists, it is often not worth praising a child, otherwise it can lead to the development of negative character traits, the baby can become capricious, selfish and infantile. There are mothers and fathers for whom encouragement and material reward are similar concepts. They seek to get children's obedience with the help of money. Rewarding has a strong influence on behavior and promotes the rapid acquisition of good skills by the baby. However, not all rewards will be beneficial, and not all punishments will be harmful.

In education, methods are not divided into good and bad, but are appropriate and inappropriate. There are two types of reward and punishment: material and psychological. Currently, preference is given to the material form of encouragement and punishment, i.e. "I will buy a toy - I will not buy a toy."

This is common both in the family and at school. Psychological methods are rarely used. They are characterized by the interaction and relationship of people who are characterized by the manifestation of approval (attention to the baby, empathy for him, support, faith, etc.) and punishment (sorrows, resentment, indifference, anger, in some cases anger). When applying psychological techniques, you will need to spend much more mental strength, as well as resort to acting. As A. S. Makarenko wrote, in order to become a teacher, you must be able to say the phrase “Come here” with 20 different intonations in your voice. If you use only material methods of encouragement and punishment, a person will grow up dependent, with low self-control, acting according to the situation: "Punish - not punish." For a person brought up on psychological methods of influence, conscience will be the main factor controlling behavior.

The psychological method of punishment is the most difficult, because thanks to it the child must understand that he has committed a misdemeanor. And parents in this case need acting skills

From this we can conclude that praise can be both useful and harmful in the process of education. In order to avoid many mistakes, you need to learn some simple rules, thanks to which you will learn how to properly apply encouragement methods.

How can you encourage a child?

There are many effective crumb approval methods for different situations. How to encourage a child in a family? Psychologists recommend the following forms of encouragement:

1. Usual praise. This is the best-known and widely used method in which influence is exerted through words. This means that if the baby behaved well, parents need to support him, praise him, approve his actions. Praise is comparable to the effect of a drug, since a child who is used to being praised will constantly feel the need for it. Too much praise can be harmful. The following restrictions must be observed:
   • do not praise the baby for his own achievements (for example, for beauty, health, intelligence, strength, etc.);
   • reward for one specific achievement only once;
   • do not praise the child out of pity;
   • do not encourage to please.
2. Weasel. This is also a fairly effective method, which is characterized by kisses, hugs, gentle stroking on the back and head. Sometimes they are more powerful than simple words. These measures are usually used in the upbringing of young children.
3. Joint games and entertainment. This is a rather interesting method, which is usually resorted to if they want to get the baby to do something. For example, "we will go for a walk if you clean the room."
4. Removal of restrictions. When older children do good deeds, help adults, as a reward, you can expand their rights or remove prohibitions on certain actions. For example, if your child gets excellent grades at school, he can be allowed to go to bed an hour later.
5. Receiving a reward. Different toys, sweets or other rewards can help get children to do the right things. The disadvantage of this method is that often children begin to demand such rewards for every perfect deed.

Rewards such as money or candy can spoil a child. In the future, he will not want to do his duties just like that. And sweets in large quantities are generally harmful.

To achieve greater results, you need to apply different forms of incentives. In this case, it is necessary to take into account the age of the baby and his psychological characteristics.

Parental Mistakes When Encouraging Children

It has already been said before that too much use of praise can negatively affect both the child and your relationship with him. Make sure you avoid the following mistakes when communicating with your baby:

1. It happens that because of the desire to leave a pleasant impression or to receive a reward, children are distinguished by good behavior only in the presence of other people. Most often, this is a consequence of excessive praise from parents or grandmothers: “You are the most beautiful in the world!”.
2. It happens that some children begin to manipulate adults. This happens through the fault of parents due to the frequent "bribery" of kids with various rewards for each perfect act. For example, when a child gave his toy to his brother or sister to play with, parents rush to reward him by buying him a new one.
3. Parents make a mistake when they praise their child and belittle the dignity of other children. For example: "You drew a car much better than Vanya." You should not do this, it will be more correct if you tell the baby that with each achievement he is becoming smarter and more experienced.

It is necessary to praise the child only for his actions, while it cannot be compared with other children. Even if the kid did not succeed very well, but he tried very hard, find a small reason to praise, maybe this time he wrote the exercise (albeit with errors), but in a more even handwriting?

How to reward a child for good behavior?

Encouragements must be correctly applied, and look sincere, otherwise the baby may not understand them correctly. How should a child be praised? Here are some tips to keep in mind when raising children:

1. Each praise the baby must deserve fairly. There is no need to praise him for the usual actions characteristic of his age: the kid put on a sweater or tied his shoes not for the first time. On the contrary, it is necessary to note his significant achievements: the baby brought a bag to his mother or beautifully drew a picture.
2. It will be better if you praise not the child himself, but his right deed. For example, if the baby has removed the toys in the room, you don’t need to say to him: “What a good girl you are.” Here it is preferable to say: “After you cleaned the room is much cleaner. It's so nice to be in it." A general phrase will also not work, for example: "What a beautiful drawing." Better focus on the details that you liked the most: beautiful flowers, funny teddy bears, etc.
3. Most often, children do not need praise or reward, it is more important for them to achieve satisfaction from the work done. In this case, parents need to express the feelings of the baby and support him in the pursuit of improvement. “I'm so glad you were able to learn to ride a bike. And you are very pleased. Now we can try to ride together.”

Surely, each family creates its own individual rules of encouragement and praise. It is important to remember that they contribute to strong relationships between family members and do not interfere with the upbringing of the child.

reward board

In the store now you can find an interesting set in the form of a board with cells and stars in the kit. There you need to enter the name of the baby and the duties that he must perform (make the bed, wash the dishes, clean the room, etc.). For each completed task, one star must be glued, and as a result of the work performed, the child must receive some kind of reward (negotiated in advance).

Some parents organize a to-do list for the child. If all items are completed at the end of the week (day, month), the child will be rewarded

This method is characterized by the following features:

• The method is well suited for children aged 3-10 years, but do not forget to take into account the individual characteristics of the child.
• Do not write more than 5 points on the board.
• In each paragraph, write down a specific action! Do not write: "behave well." Write specifically: “go to kindergarten”, “go to bed in your crib”, “put away toys”.
• The method must have a positive motivation. If you stick a sticker, you can no longer take it away.
• Thanks to this method, the baby will not only have motivation, but also the opportunity to learn how to count and learn the days of the week.
• For fulfilling the duty at the end of each day, the child should receive his reward - an asterisk.
• At the end of the week, come up with an extra reward, like a walk in the park, a favorite cake, or something else. Emotions are much better than material things. If this is not possible, you can buy a Kinder.
• Such a board, for children over five years old, can turn into a family board. This game will help build relationships with children 7 years and older. For example, it will be interesting for a baby to watch dad's reading or mom's cooking (these points are not particularly significant), but for a child this is of great psychological importance. The prize, respectively, must also be a family one.
• It is better to engage in such a game 5 days a week, and on the weekends, treat the baby a little and still present a reward.

Is it possible to encourage a child with money?

Rewarding money, for example, for studies can harm the child. He will try to get more marks, but the quality of study in difficult subjects may decrease

As for the monetary method, there is an ambiguous opinion. Supporters of this method say that if you pay a child a small amount every week for good grades or for another act, then this encourages him to discipline. Opponents, on the contrary, believe that the receipt of money by the baby for everyday activities leads to the fact that he evaluates only the external result.

Some psychologists doubt the usefulness of monetary rewards. According to experts, children should do homework just like that. If you want to teach your kid how to manage finances, it is better to wait until he grows up a little. A student in the lower grades can already be given some pocket money.

If the cash reward method does not work for you, parents with more experience are advised to replace it with an alternative method. For example, instead of coins, you can give out colored beads, beautiful buttons. You can develop your own payment system with the baby, where, for example, washed dishes will be equal to two buttons.

In order for the crumbs to have a desire to continue moving, in a week he must receive a very worthwhile reward. The reward can be a joint visit to the cinema, circus or children's entertainment center.

Why, for what and how to praise a child? In any case, the choice always remains only with the parents. When choosing, do not forget to take into account the individual qualities of your child. Whatever method you choose, do not get carried away with excessive praise and reward, otherwise it may turn into parental responsibility.

In those moments when children resist our will, we
we can use encouragement instead of trying to establish
control, threatening punishments and cuffs. The reward very often encourages
child to .

HOW TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD

Imagine
yourself that you have been asked to do overtime work. Naturally, at
it will cause you resistance. Then they tell you that every hour
processing will be paid at double the rate. You will immediately become
much more cooperative. How the promise of more serves
motive for you, it also motivates your
child - perhaps even stronger. It `s naturally. let's consider
examples.

If the child does not want to brush his teeth, say: “If you
brush your teeth right now, we'll have time to read three
fairy tales instead of one.

I still remember how I began to consciously use
encouragement to motivate proper behavior in their children. One of
my daughters u refused to brush their teeth before bed. Not at all
managed to convince her. Then, attending a lecture on the art of education, where
parents were advised to use encouragement, I said the above
above simple phrase and it worked. I was just amazed. Should have said
daughter that we would have more time to read, and she immediately without
the slightest discontent went to brush her teeth. It's a small change
in the approach immediately gave results, and my approach to parenting
changed drastically.

Small rewards make it much easier for parents. In
many cases with the promise of encouraging the child's resistance
disappears like smoke. If a child receives from time to time
reward, the natural desire to deliver to parents returns to him
joy and he is automatically in most cases more willing to go to .

Give your child a little encouragement, and it will become much easier for you to fulfill your parenting responsibilities.

However, many parents fear that the child will begin
abuse this attitude and will demand encouragement for any
trifle. Fortunately, this is not the case. If this method is used in combination with
other methods of positive parenting, encouragement even reinforces
the desire of the child to cooperate just like that. After you succeed
encourage a child to behave in a particular way with a reward
will soon begin to do so without her.

As long as the child obeys, there is no need for encouragement. It
needed only to regain control over the child.
Reinforcement is required when the child is out of control and
loses the natural desire to bring joy to parents. Once
one or another type of behavior will become normal, the child will adhere to
him without a reward. After I read three bedtime stories to my daughter
as a reward for obedience, she did not demand encouragement for
cooperation in other cases.

Until I experienced the efficacy
encouragement, I was prejudiced against this method because I
it seemed like it was akin to bribery. Seeing how well it works
this technique, I thought about its advantages and revised my
relation. Previously, if any of the daughters resisted my instructions,
I was automatically tempted to resort to the threat. Exactly
my father raised me, and in difficult moments I also resorted to the same
method. Once I found a more acceptable approach, punishments and threats
left in the past.

Here I faced a new task: to find a suitable
way to encourage children. The reward must be related in some way to
the behavior we want to change. Ideally, encouragement should be
natural result of cooperation. If a girl brushes her teeth before
sleep, instead of shirking this case and making a fuss,
Naturally, there is more time for reading fairy tales. If the child
does not want to wear a coat, then such a natural result
cooperation, as an opportunity to get to school earlier, is unlikely to
taken as a reward. However, in some cases this is also possible.
For example, there may be such a case: “If you quickly put on your coat,
I'll have time to look at your drawings at school."

There is one reward that always works, and you won't
you need to think especially: promise your child your time. Tell:
"If you cooperate with me now, then I will have time,
to do this and that for you later.”

The easiest way to encourage a child to cooperate is to promise that you will give him extra time as a reward.

Every time a child obeys, you
really leaves more time to do what he
Like. It is enough to remind the child of this simple truth, and you will be able to
it's easy to get him to follow your directions. You will achieve the best
results if you formulate your promise in the form most
acceptable to your child.

HOW TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN WITH DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS

Let's
let's look at examples of how to formulate the same thing in different ways
promise for kids with different temperament. Talking about upcoming
reward a sensitive child, pay special attention to feelings.

later. We can pick flowers in the garden for mom. It will be a lot of fun.
Mom loves flowers. We will collect a whole bouquet.

When promising encouragement to an active child, stop especially
on the action itself: "If you listen to me now, I will have
more time later. We can go play in the garden and collect a bouquet for
mothers. You can even drag a stepladder and pick flowers from the tree.”

When talking to a reactive child, pay attention to
sensory sensations. Let your promise sound almost like a fairy tale.
For example: "If you listen to me now, I will have more time
later. We can go to the garden and collect a beautiful bouquet for mom. We
Let's make it from red, white and yellow flowers. I'm sure we'll meet
butterfly garden. When mom sees the bouquet, her face will light up with a smile.

When promising rewards to a receptive child, remember
talk about time: "If you listen to me now, I will have
more time later. After school when we get home
it will be possible to collect a bouquet for mom in the garden. Now I need your help
and then later we will have time to make a bouquet for mom.”

Of course, wording appropriate to temperament
a particular child, works better - but you can make your promise
and just. The point is to explain to the child: if you save my
time now, I'll give it to you later. You help me now and later
I will do something for you.

EXAMPLES OF REWARDS

Below I present
some examples of rewards that can be promised to a child.
Think about how to formulate them so that they have a better effect on
your baby. Take into account his temperament. Think about what
rewards in which situations would best encourage your child to
cooperation.

If you collect the toys without delay, I will have time to play cards with you.

· If you help me clean your room, I will have time to play with you.

If we put things in order together now, then we can draw together later.

· If you prepare the school clothes for tomorrow, we will have time for dessert in the morning.

· If you get dressed quickly, we can go to a cafe after school.

· The sooner you get ready, the sooner we will return home.

· If you stop talking, we can walk the dog together.

· If you immediately get into the car, I will find time to play ball with you in the evening.

· If you obey, then later I will do this and that for you.

· If you do your homework now, we can have a tea party in the evening.

· If you finish your vegetables, I will buy a cake for dinner.

· If you sit down to dinner right now, after dinner we can sing together.

If you go home now, you can play your favorite game later.

If the child resists, then instead of
take something away from him - give. Give him something and in him again
awaken the inner desire for cooperation. Instead of
use pain as a deterrent, encourage him
opportunity to get more.

ALWAYS KEEP SOMETHING IN YOUR SLEEVE

promotion
will be effective if you find something that is especially good
motivates your child to cooperate. Discovering what is possible
to attract your baby, always keep it ready - up your sleeve. For
someone's strongest motivator is the promise: "If you
listen to me now, I will have more time to
read you a story." Another child needs another: "If you
Listen, we'll bake cupcakes together today." Someone else needs
various incentives. The main secret is to notice
what your child especially likes and use it as a reward
for him.

The main secret is to notice what your child especially likes and use it as a reward for him.

If the kid loves fairy tales, then usually read to him
a little less than they could. Of course you shouldn't stop reading.
in general, but be careful not to satiate the child with fairy tales. In that
reading can be a good encouragement. Let's consider another
example. The child says: "Let's go to the park this week."
“Great idea,” you reply. - Definitely go if there is
time". Another time when the baby is resisting your will, say: “If
if you listen to me now, then I will have more time and I
I can take you to the park." You have already planned this joint
walk, but now you can use it as a reward.

In many cases the same things that you take away from
child as punishment for disobedience, can be used as
awards. If you threaten your child by not taking him for a walk,
you can promise the same walk to motivate the child to
cooperation. Instead of threatening: “If you don’t
put these games in the closet, I won't let you play with them at all
henceforth," you can say, "If you put the games in the closet now, then I
I'll play one of them with you later." The best reward for a child
a promise to dedicate some of your time to him.

The same things that you take away from a child as punishment for something can be used as a reward.

Rewards should be reasonable, situation-related and
proportionate to the sacrifice you require of the child. An example of reasonable
rewards: “If you do this and that for me, later I will have
time to do something for you." It's smart: do something for me and I
I will do something for you. An example of a situation-related reward: “It’s time
go home for dinner. I understand that you want to play, but it's time
leave. If you come with me now, we can return soon.”
Encouragement is directly related to the activity, to refuse which
you offer to the child. The proportionate reward is determined by
on the degree of resistance of the child. The more you ask of him, the
offer more.

Prudent parents always have in stock
a few rewards and they pull them out whenever the kid
resists. Below are some examples of rewards. Consider which of
you could use them.

LIST OF REWARDS

We will have more time to do something later.

· Then you can ride a bike.

We will be able to collect a bouquet for the dinner table.

· We can walk the dog together.

We will eat hot chocolate.

We will have a tea party.

We will play ball.

We will drop the flying saucer.

We will bake cookies.

We will read three fairy tales before going to bed.

We will go on a picnic.

We will have dessert.

We will have time to go to the river for a swim.

· We can sing together.

Your friend will be able to stay with us longer.

We will be able to ride in a car.

We will go shopping together.

We will climb trees.

· We can go to the swing.

· We can go to the park.

· We will be able to mold from plasticine.

We will paint together.

We will go for a walk.

We will have time to play cards.

We can sit hugging each other.

We will be able to watch such and such a program on TV.

Sometimes in order to encourage the child to
cooperation, you just need to warn him in advance about upcoming
actions. Receptive children take a particularly long time to
move from one activity to another. Wise parents try
warn such children about everything in advance. Instead of "It's time to put on
jacket,” say, “We have to leave the house in five minutes. I want,
so that by then you will be already dressed. If you get dressed on time, we won't
you have to hurry, and the trip to school will be much more pleasant.”

Wise parents try in advance warn the children about the upcoming shift activities.

If before going to bed you lay down next to the child and he
doesn’t want to let you go, say: “Okay, in five minutes I
need to leave. If you obey and lie quietly, then I will stay with
you all these five minutes. If you talk, I'll have to leave
right now". Although the promise to leave is like a threat, let it not
embarrassing because you promised the child a reward: to be with him an extra five
minutes if he lies still.

Before asking the children to clean up the room and
go to lunch, warn them that in five minutes they will need to
start cleaning and then sit down at the table. Let the children have some
time to get used to the idea that soon they will have to stop playing,
put things in order, and then go to the dining room. You can say this: "Play
another five minutes, then clean up here and go to dinner.” When you
remind about it after five minutes, children will be more inclined to
cooperation.

Encouragement is truly a magical tool: when everyone
other methods don't work, promising a reward immediately results in
desired results. If you do not understand the meaning of rewards and do not learn
use them, other methods of positive parenting will not bring
benefit. When parents do not know how to negotiate with a child, promising him
reward, they have only one choice: to threaten punishment.

REPEATING SITUATIONS

If a child
resists your will again and again in certain situations,
it is useful to promise him some reward in advance. Once I had to
take a long air flight with my daughter Lauren, and
it turned out that the girl did not want to obey me on the road. After
This is why my wife and I began to prepare for such trips in advance. Girl
loved one delicacy very much, and we began to promise her this delicacy for
that she will obey us throughout the journey. For the fact that the daughter obeyed
us on the way to the airport, landing and taking off, she received a quarter
favorite chocolate bar. After we flew without excesses
halfway through, Lauren was getting the second quarter. After landing we gave
the girl received the third piece and, upon arrival at the place, the fourth.

Such a system worked perfectly on every flight.
Before the trip, we showed the baby a whole tile. While we
explained how we would distribute the chocolate, in the eyes of the girl shone
joy. And although Lauren was busy with her games during the trip,
she never forgot to get another portion of the treat. chocolate bar
always loomed in the background of her consciousness, reminding the girl of
the need to cooperate with parents during the flight. In addition, we
took care in advance that the baby had something to do during
trips. It's ridiculous to expect a child to just sit and enjoy.
inactivity all five hours of the flight.

In addition to the fact that incentives must be reasonable and
in some way related to the situation, it is necessary that it be
proportionate to the sacrifice you require of the child. If you are asking
child to do something that he obviously does not like, you should assign him
quite a big reward. For example, if you are going to invite
the house of guests who for some reason do not like the baby can be negotiated with
him like this: “I know you don’t like these people, but they—
my friends. If you treat them politely and friendly, I
I'll do something for you. Next weekend we will go to the zoo.” AT
In this case, you promise the child a rather large reward, because
ask for something that goes beyond the daily routine, and you understand
how difficult it will be for him to comply with your request.

Children are more willing to cooperate if we understand
that it is not easy for them to fulfill one or another of our requests, and we offer for
cooperation is quite a big reward. Whenever you have to
a situation that regularly provokes child resistance is best
prepare a significant promotion for him in advance.

REWARDS FOR TEENAGERS

promotion
should be appropriate for the age of the child. Teens don't care anymore
so that you give them time, but they have other needs. Them
need money and help. As soon as a teenager starts earning and
spend money, you can use it as a reward. Do not do it
offer the child money too often, but if you follow the measure, such
encouragement is very effective.

If a teenager does not want to spend time on this or that
occupation, you can just offer him twice as much pocket money,
than he usually receives, or the amount he is paid for a day's work.
If there is no extra money in the family, then parents can offer the teenager
take him somewhere by car or help with some of his
household duties.

Some parents reward their children for good grades.
at school, and this approach turns out to be very productive. Of course not
All children need this motivation. Achievement can be encouraged
child with money or - giving the teenager more freedom.
Naturally, a child can be given freedom only after he
will gain appropriate credibility, but high academic performance may be
way to earn that trust. After all, bringing good grades, a teenager
thereby shows that he is responsible enough, which means that he can
trust and allow to walk longer.

IF A CHILD IS SCANDALING IN PUBLIC

If a
the child makes a scandal in a public place, we have to admit,
that you don't have enough time to meet his needs and
encourage cooperation. At such a moment, it would be very useful to you
baby's favorite candy. Maybe you don't have a chance with empathy
listen to the child, but you can encourage him. You can get out of this
unpleasant situation by quickly offering the child a reward for cooperation.
If you don't have anything suitable in your sleeve or in your purse, it's better not to
fight with the child, but find out what he wants and, if possible,
give it to him. Of course, this is appeasing the child, but if
this rarely happens, no big deal. However, such a situation
serves as a signal that you should be tougher with the baby at home and not
cajole him too often.

If the child refuses to obey in public, then you need to be tougher with him at home and not appease him too often.

Next time, prepare your child for
similar situation, explaining to him that you understand how difficult it is
obey your parents in the supermarket, standing in line. Say you do too
don't like long lines. Then conclude an agreement with the child: “If
you will obey your mother in the store, we will return home earlier and we
there will be time to eat your favorite cereal." Buy a pack at the store
these cereals to remind the child of the contract. making purchases,
remind the child that he is behaving well and that he will eat soon
your favorite dish.

REWARD LIKE DESSERT

Offering
the child a reward, you thereby help him to turn to that part of his
beings who want to help their parents. The child is encouraged to
collaboration is not the reward itself. She only awakens the natural
self-motivation mechanism. Rewards and perks are like dessert. If you
eat only desserts, the body will not receive all the nutrients
substances that are necessary for normal life. One of
reasons why we eat dessert at the end of a meal is that
sweet can dull the feeling of hunger and then we will not have desire
eat food that is vital for the body. Likewise, if we
If we rely only on rewards, then the child will lose his appetite for
cooperation.

If we rely only on rewards, the child will lose his appetite for cooperation.

If an adult works only for the sake of
encouragement, it means that something is missing in his life. It only works
in order to get what he wants, and forgets about his latent
striving to benefit people. He has no desire to do the job
really good, and the person does only what is necessary for
earnings. This is an unhealthy approach.

On the other hand, to serve people without caring about the reward
or earning money when one's own family is in need is also unhealthy
position. Successful adults think about themselves and about others. They are
trying to change something in the world and at the same time taking care of
satisfaction of own needs. Appropriately encouraging children
we prepare them to be successful in maturity.

By appropriately encouraging children, we teach them to take care of themselves, as well as about other people.

Children should understand that in life we ​​must both
give and take. If you give, you receive. To get more
need to give more. Whenever you ask a child to give you
a little more so that he gets a little more in return, you
teach him a very important life lesson. The child learns to
deals and negotiations. He learns that by giving more he deserves
more. And yet - he learns to give up momentary desires for the sake of
something bigger in the future.

IS IT WORTH LEARNING FROM THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF AN ACTION?

Many
parents take it for granted that if the child is not
cooperates, so he is bad. They believe that good children are indispensable
obedient. Positive parenting recognizes that the child refuses
cooperation, not because he is bad, but simply because he does not receive
necessary. If the baby resists, parents should either give something in
what he needs, or somehow encourage the child to motivate him to
certain behavior at the moment.

Many parents assume that good children are obedient.

Some experts recommend not to overcome
children's resistance, and let them do what they want, so that they
learned from the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if
the child refuses to put on a coat, let him go for a walk in the cold
without a coat and catch a cold. This will be a lesson for him. This is incorrect
an approach. The only thing a child will learn is that he cannot rely on the help of his parents.

As I was writing this page, my wife came in and brought
example. Lauren (thirteen years old) forgot at home in the printer printed out for
submission of an abstract. She tried very hard to finish the work on time and was proud
her. Bonnie found the essay and is now going to take his daughter to school,
so Lauren won't get a deduction for not turning in her work on time.

Some parents would say that a girl should
get a lesson about the consequences of absent-mindedness. She didn't hand in her work on time.
upset, and this failure will serve her as a good lesson for the future. This is
just remnants of the old, fear-based thinking. Why
girl don't learn a lesson out of your luck? Why would she once again
time not to make sure that the parents take care of her and are ready if possible
to help. If your life partner forgets something, you will
want to help him. You will do everything in your power. children
just like us, we need the support of loved ones - and perhaps even
more. Learn from your own experience that relatives will always come to you for
help is much more important than feeling the pain of grief from what you
downgrading for the work you worked so hard on.

Adherents of the school of natural consequences would say,
that this was a good opportunity for Lauren to understand where
absent-mindedness, so that in the future she would be more attentive. Yes, in the future
really would be afraid forget something important, but fear -
not the best incentive. You don't have to be afraid to remember.
Positive parenting doesn't need fear to teach children not to be
scattered. Success in the same way will teach the child to be more attentive.

Positive parenting does not need fear to teach children not to be distracted.

When a person is afraid to make mistakes, he only
makes more of them. Many people have noticed that fear attracts
the very situations we fear. Like when I put on a new
tie, it often turns out that I put a stain on it at the first
output. On the other hand, when I put on a new tie, they tell me
more compliments.

If I think mainly about how good my
new thing, many lk5di notice it and compliment it. If I
I worry about getting my tie dirty with food, it happens inevitably.
The fear of making a mistake not only brings into our lives unnecessary
anxiety, but also leads to the fact that we make more mistakes.

Expecting positive consequences is much better
motivating factor. And fear does not necessarily teach a child to be aware
the consequences of one behavior or another. Leave natural consequences
nature - no need to play the Lord God out of yourself. Instead of this
Parents should do their best to help children. If you not
you can help the child in some way, do not help; but if you can help
certainly.

Leave natural consequences to nature, no need to play God.

The hardest question to answer is:
Am I sacrificing too much for my children? If parents expose themselves
deprivation, which means they give their children too much, and as a result
become overly demanding.

If you give your kids too much, it's easy to fix.
Children themselves will let you know that you give them beyond measure. They will become
overly demanding, and their requests will start to resent you.

So it's time to give less. This is a normal correction of relationships, and there is nothing wrong with that.

WHY PARENTS ARE AFRAID TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN

Sometimes
parents are afraid that if they encourage the child, he will disappear
natural desire for cooperation. They vividly imagine
a child accustomed to rewards who asks for any reason: “Ah
what will I get from this? Then the imagination of these parents draws how
their child begins to demand more and more for cooperation.
Such a nightmarish outcome is unlikely, but it is possible if
if the parents do not meet all the other needs of the child.

Whenever you ask a child for cooperation,
somewhere in the depths of his consciousness there really arises a completely
healthy question: “What will I get from this?” – and if his needs
properly satisfied, he does not require more. Children
cooperate because they are born with the desire to obey
parents to be loved by them. If the child is aware of his
needs and believes that he will receive the necessary support, he goes to
cooperation with great pleasure.

If a child gets what he needs, he does not require too many rewards.

As long as the child gets what he needs, he
aware of his needs and not lost in his own desires. Awareness
the need for parental support encourages the child to obey and
delicacy. He does not ask for more and more awards. He does not focus on
the question “what will I get for this?” and doesn't require more. Usually,
children insist on fulfilling their whims when they do not understand
what they really need.

The parents of each child, wanting to raise him obedient, resort to various methods: explanations, punishments, persuasion and, of course, rewards. But in order to achieve truly worthy results, you need to know how to properly reward the baby. Is it possible to overpraise children? Should money be used as an incentive? How and for what actions should a child be praised?

We buy our children ice cream if they are obedient, chocolate if they are quiet, sometimes we even give out money if they bring good grades from school. We call them "good boy" or "good girl" if they do something that pleases us. For modern and demanding parents, disciplinary methods of influence are already relics of the past. Why use a whip if there is a carrot at hand? Meanwhile, reward and praise are fraught with many tricky and sometimes insidious moments.

When rewards can harm a child

For praise and rewards to stimulate your child's development, make sure they don't harm your relationship with him.

1. Rewards make children seek approval. Instead of enjoying the process of creating or gaining knowledge, they try to impress other people. Listening to the exclamations of his grandmothers who adore him: “Good girl! The smartest kid in the world!" - the child runs the risk of becoming selfish.
2. When children are bribed with rewards for "good" behavior, they soon learn how to manipulate their parents into playing the role expected of them. They become superficially obedient in order to flatter or impress adults. Honesty, however, suffers.
3. When praising the dignity of another child, do not belittle: "Your drawing is a thousand times better than Dima's." If the kid will compete, then let him do it only with himself, improving his results each time.

Rules for encouraging children

If you want to achieve truly worthy results in raising your baby, you should know how to properly encourage him.

• Praise not the child himself, but his actions

After excessive praise, the child may also develop high self-esteem. If you want to praise him for the removed toys, do not rush to say: “What a great fellow you are!” Instead, say, “The room is clean after you cleaned it. It's so nice to be here now." Be sure that he will properly evaluate your words and try to deserve them again.

If your daughter brought you a beautiful drawing, do not recklessly say: “You are a real artist and draw the best!” The girl may be upset if the next drawing does not get such a high mark or does not come out so well. Draw her attention to those moments that you especially liked: “What a beautiful tree you drew. It's just like being alive. And how many funny bunnies are next to him! So you not only show a genuine interest in the child's creative abilities, but also avoid assessing his personality.

Make up your praise so that the baby himself can draw a conclusion about his skills. If your son helped move a heavy box, instead of saying “how strong you are with me,” you can say how difficult it was to lift it. The child will independently draw a conclusion: he is strong, mom and dad need him.

• Point out to the child his own feelings when achieving the result

Instead of praising your child or rewarding him for his work, teach him to focus on the pleasure he got from doing it. Children are born with a natural interest in creativity and activity, and each new achievement fills them with admiration and joy. It is these emotions that feed children's perseverance and the desire to achieve the goal. When you see that the kid has learned to ride the “iron horse”, support him: “I see you liked that you now ride your own bike” or “I'm glad you did it. You look very pleased with yourself!” Well, as a consolidation of skills, you can organize a bike ride in the park. By the way,

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• Do not praise children for natural things

Psychologists and educators do not recommend considering the sociality of a small child as something unusual. If the baby has done something useful, for example, he dressed himself, cleaned up the dishes, do not express surprise with admiring exclamations of surprise at his social skills. Laudatory phrases: “You are so smart!”, “Wow, you were able to wash the dishes!” - make the child doubt that you believe in his powers. He must understand that he himself is capable of many things, without additional and often inappropriate praise.

• Don't reward with money

Children who receive money for washing dishes or taking out the trash are often focused only on external results. Plates can be washed poorly, a bag of garbage thrown out next to the house - most importantly, parents must give them the agreed amount. It is much more important that the child feels the pleasure of the process: happiness from helping parents, joy from new knowledge.

If you want an older preschooler to learn how to manage money, don't pay for creative activities or help around the house. When he becomes a schoolboy, then you can give pocket money for daily expenses.

What can be used to reward instead of money

If you like the system of rewards for correct behavior, but you do not want the child to "earn" money, try to choose any analogue that is convenient for you. It can be buttons, bright beads or coffee beans. Then you need to develop a system together with the baby, according to which, for example, cleaning the room will “cost” two coffee beans. And be sure to get him a special jar in which he will hide his treasures.

Remember that the promotion must be reasonable. The kid should be able to earn in a week for something big, otherwise he will not have an incentive to move on. As an encouragement, a joint visit to a children's center, a trip to a circus or a cinema can act.

And yet this method has many opponents who believe that in this way a child can grow up spoiled and will obey his parents only when he receives a reward.

When choosing a form of encouragement for a child, always consider his personality. Praise and reward must be used with extreme caution, as their excessive use can turn into a direct responsibility of adults. Try to make sure that your good intentions do not become the reason for spoiling the baby.