She burned her husband and mistress. What to do if you find your husband and mistress? Why a man does not decide to leave his wife

Adultery is unlikely to ever become the norm, but has not surprised anyone for a long time. Very few people truly value marriage and do everything possible to preserve it. One lacks mutual understanding, others constantly need new emotions, and for someone, in principle, the first sexual partner is not enough. The causes of adultery are always individual, which means that the consequences cannot be the same. When a wife catches her husband and mistress, a turning point comes in the family. And how events unfold further depends not only on the intentions of the traitor, but also on the reaction of the spouse to what is happening.

Comparison of two examples from the life of deceived wives

The reaction of a woman who caught her husband behind a betrayal is partly due to her character. An impulsive by nature person will inevitably throw a scandal, and a restrained quiet woman will surely silently leave the house, tormented by terrible injustice. Although not everyone is so predictable. Stressful situations can lead to completely unexpected actions, and it is very important not to regret them in the future. For example, consider 2 stories that have taken place in real life.

The serious consequences of unbridled emotions

Ira and Andrei have been married for over 10 years. Once they were united not only by love for each other, but also by their hobbies. They met in the studio at a ballroom dance lesson for beginner adults. The leader identified Andrei in a pair with Irina, which was the beginning of their romance. Once they even won first place in amateur competitions and were very proud of their award. Along with the medal, Ira retained the dress that she specially ordered for the contest, because Andrei really liked how his wife looked in him. Having gained more than 10 extra kilograms after pregnancy, Ira never raised a hand to get rid of her favorite thing.

A week later, exactly 10 years of their married life together were celebrated. Going on a business trip, Ira lamented that she would not be home that day, and her husband cheered on her with a promise to arrange a holiday after her return. She really wanted to make a surprise, so she convinced the authorities to let her go home a couple of days earlier. Without a call or warning, a happy woman was in a hurry to congratulate her beloved on her anniversary.

Opening the door with her key, she immediately suspected something was wrong. Music was rumbling in the apartment, and there were ladies shoes at the doorstep, but the main “surprise” was waiting in the bedroom. Andrei had fun on the bed with a stranger who dressed in the very same ball gown ... The wife caught her husband and mistress on such a special day, in her special dress, and lost control of herself. Ira grabbed the first thing that came to hand, and attacked the offenders. The lover suffered the most - her face was mutilated.

In the same month, the faithful divorced, and Irina still goes to court trying to justify her act. She regrets the deed, if only because in the end she remained extreme. The husband took the side of the new passion, and is trying to take away the child from the former spouse, arguing with her mental imbalance. Meanwhile, the psycho-emotional state of a woman really leaves much to be desired.

Treason husband launched a new life

Vlad and Sergey got married only 6 years ago, but their relationship has long burst at the seams. She was irritated by his sloppiness and the habit of throwing things away, no matter where he fell, he was infuriated by the pedantry of the chosen one and her manner of constantly correcting those around her. She was a philologist, and he had been repairing machines all his life. Each of them increasingly thought about the meaning of marriage.

Thoughts about divorce had been visiting Vlad for a long time, but mom always stopped. She is already 35 years old - who will need her? The girl’s father left the family many years ago, and the mother did not want the same fate for her daughter. Sergei was not in a hurry to get divorced, he did not have his own housing, and taking care of himself on his own was much worse than tolerating his wife's antics. When vacation loomed on the horizon, Vlada invited her husband to go to a sanatorium together, hoping to establish family relations away from home. He strongly resisted, referring to the emergency at work, and insisted that she go with her mother.

A week after the rest, Vlad was bored, she didn’t like that Sergey rarely answered calls, hardly spoke, and was always in a hurry. Rest was a burden to her, so the decision to return home ahead of time came by itself. She couldn’t reach her husband to inform her of her arrival. Crossing the threshold of the house, Vlada heard a woman laugh from the bedroom, and immediately understood everything. With difficulty to overcome the desire to run away as far as possible, she took a deep breath, counted to 10 and went into the room. Sergei was seriously scared and began to make excuses, and her lover began frantically collecting things. The only thing that Vlad said was: “I file for divorce.”

Sergei could not accept the fact that his wife found him with his mistress, and for a long time tried to convince her not to get a divorce and start all over again. She was unshakable. Contrary to the mother’s feelings, a few months later Vlad responded in kind to a colleague who had been showing her attention for a long time. The couple is going to get married, and the girl seems to be much more comfortable in the company of a new companion than she was with her ex-husband.

We examined two situations in which wives found out about their mistress, seeing everything with their own eyes, but the results of the incidents were different. In the first story, Irina gave vent to her feelings, for which she will pay for the rest of her life. Even if she succeeds in avoiding judicial punishment, this incident will forever fall a dark spot on her past. In the second story, the deceived Vlad acted calmly, judiciously, without tantrums and beatings, so she was able to start life from scratch. Of course, the circumstances themselves play a big role, in which husbands make lovers. If the marriage has long had problems, then transferring the betrayal of the second half is much easier.

How to behave if you find your husband “hot”

In no book or article on the psychology of family relations is it possible to find the answer to the question: "What is the best way to behave in a particular situation?" The right tactic for behavior depends on many factors. If the husband swears love, promises the golden mountains, while regularly meeting with his mistress and in every possible way rejects treason, he can hardly be forgiven. When an intimate relationship with another woman was the result of intoxication, it is still worth considering whether to break the relationship. It also happens that his campaign “to the left” is revenge for betrayal of the faithful, or the mistress simply gives him something that she constantly refuses. Such actions have a chance of forgiveness, but again, everything is purely individual.

If a wife “burned” her husband and mistress, psychologists recommend not giving vent to emotions. Tantrum, scandal, or brawl have never been of use. So you can do worse not to offenders, but only to yourself. The restrained outburst of anger and the desire to kill everyone will surprise the traitor much more than trying to throw things out of the window or tear out the hair of an adversary.

The secret has become apparent, from now on you can’t forget what you’ve seen, which means the situation can’t change radically. However, there is a chance to change your attitude towards her! To do this, give yourself time to think. It is ideal to go somewhere for a few days to soberly weigh the pros and cons and make the final decision. There can be 3 ways out:

Pack your things, leave and file for divorce.
Collect his things, insist on leaving and divorce.
Forgive and live on without looking at the past.

The last point is the most difficult, because not everyone and not always succeeds in translating it into reality. If the memories of the mistress prevent the relationship from being rebuilt, or the husband praises his friends every now and then that she cheated on her wife, she found out, but said nothing, then this union probably has no happy future. You can’t be afraid to start all over again, you can’t swallow grievances and turn a blind eye to outright betrayal. You need to decide which option is best for you, what you want from life, and how dear you are to a person who has stepped over the promise to be faithful and faithful to the end of his days.

Once, while on a business trip, I had the opportunity to return a day earlier. Without telling her husband anything, deciding to surprise him, she took a ticket for the nearest train and returned to her hometown exactly 24 hours ahead of time, calmly got to her house, quietly opened the door with her keys, silence in the apartment. I go into the bedroom and see the picture: my husband is sleeping in our bed, and some woman is nearby ... I will not describe the feelings that possessed me at that moment, I will say that everything that I did later was like in a fog, I don’t remember how I got out of the house, how I wandered the streets until late at night, then I went into the first hotel I got and rented a room for the night. In the morning I went to the station by the time my train arrived, pretending to be back on it. My husband met me with flowers and a gentle smile. We arrived home, the apartment is clean, dinner is prepared, he is as affectionate and courteous as he is, kisses, says he is bored and quietly pushes to the bedroom. Three months have already passed, he still does not know that I saw everything, lives as if nothing had happened, but it seems that I have been replaced, only thinking about whether to tell him that I know everything or not. ..

Anna, St. Petersburg, 34 years old / 11/14/07

Opinions of our experts

Alyona

Anna, you can go with intelligence, honestly. To catch your husband sleeping in your conjugal bed with another aunt, and so cover up the traces of your premature arrival - you must be able to. At first it was thought: does a man really dislike himself so much that he humbled himself before renting a hotel room, if only her husband wouldn’t know that she knows everything ... And then she realized: you’re just an ostrich. The real African ostrich. I saw what I didn’t want, and stuck my head in the sand, in the hope that when you pop it out, everything will be fine. You tried to make it look like there was never a problem. In fact, this is a rather dangerous psychological condition. You cannot accept what happened, so you begin to behave in such a way that nothing reminds you that it really happened. I personally am a completely different person. If I had found such a scene at home in my bed, I would have made a performance for my husband. And, of course, there would be no talk of living together. And you put yourself in very strange conditions. To tell her husband that she found him on the other, but did not wake him up ... Somehow it's wild. Besides, you arranged everything so well that he might just not believe you. In general, you put yourself in a strange situation. For me, he would have asked me forgiveness for three months already. And what you should do now is probably nothing special. You can, of course, arrange a showdown. But if you didn’t want to do this from the very beginning, then you don’t need it, right? Despite everything, you would not want your family life to suffer, right? Then try the following. Ask him a question, what would he do if, having arrived a day earlier from a business trip, having opened the door with his key, I would have found you in bed with some man? Directly in paints to him describe the whole situation. And ask: “Behold, you are standing in front of the bed, I sleep on it and some man. Your actions? Wake up and make a scandal or leave, spend the night in a hotel, and in the morning pretend that you just got off the train and are glad to meet you? ” Get a direct answer, what would he do in such a situation, what would he feel. Make him "get used" to her. And then say: "And I tried to pretend that I know nothing." That is, so calmly let him know what you know about his betrayal. Well, then in fact, decide for yourself. Talk, accept, forgive, or yours. At the expense of the latter in your case, I strongly doubt it.
Sergei

Well, the fact that my husband is a fool will not be discussed. He violated the basic commandment - the house is always on the right. That is, if pulled to the left, then go wherever you want, but not home. So paid. Regarding the situation, I believe that you have two options for behavior. The first is to hide your head in the sand, swallow the grudge, and continue to pretend that nothing happened. After a while, either everything in you will burn out, or you will get a nervous breakdown, or, more likely, at the very first booze-party, after a certain dose of alcohol, you will suffer, and you will lay everything out to your husband. That is, as a result, you will get either a colorless life that will not lead to anything good, or a referral to a madhouse, or a divorce and a maiden name. Option two - to tell everything now and demand a divorce. That is, to solve the problem until it has caused you irreparable damage. Of course, all this is far from easy. When a loved one does this, and for absolutely no apparent reason - it’s hard. But be that as it may, everything has already happened. And the faster you respond to the situation, the easier it will be. So I think that it is necessary to speak with my husband immediately, but then look at the situation.

Wife caught her husband and mistress? Trite. Briefly on the case, the very essence. What is the difference between a mistress and a wife. Or what is the point when the wife found her husband and mistress? Why is a man attracted by this or that woman? How can a wife make a difference in her favor! Psychologist Vadim Kurkin very competently told the reasons for male behavior. Do you think that sex with a mistress is to blame for everything, and this is the reason for the husband to leave the family? You are wrong.

Well, there is a moment when another woman attracts men at the moment of some better her condition.

For instance,

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She was very well.
Joyfully.
Or she felt confident.
Beautiful.
In a good setting.
Somehow, he courted well.
She opened
He noticed her and their relationship began.
And even she knew that he was married, but at that moment she did not think much about it.
She felt that she was well and she really liked.
And he chose her

And like any woman, she told herself that I did not even hope.
She either hoped that he would either protect her from talking about his wife, that she would be the only one for him, that he would give her that feeling, or someday he would still be convinced that she really loved him, and he would choose her.
But this does not happen.
She either begins to stifle this desire in herself.
Do not admit that she is offended by what he says in her presence about his wife and children.
And even at some point they are sometimes compared.
Or she does not admit to him that she is waiting for him to make a decision.

Why does a man not decide to leave his wife?

A man does not need this.

Sex with a lover certainly stimulates a man, but not to the extent that something changes.
Because through his mistress, he gets what is not in their relationship, what his wife is closed in, or what helps to disconnect.
He is helped by such a situation to feel a lack of responsibility.
Or avoids the need to grow your own.
He solves his problem through his mistress.
When a lover enters into a relationship with such a man, his life begins to improve.
His relationship with money is getting better.
He even has a relationship with his wife.

A man when there is not enough energy for growth

When his woman does not know how to give him this energy.
He takes it from his mistress, goes to her precisely for energy for growth and development.

If you are a lover and you think that you are somehow accumulating energy, that this somehow strongly promotes you, this is a big illusion.

What are you essentially doing?

You yourself, shake your energy ‘’ nourish THAT PAIR ’’!
In fact, you are his wife’s girlfriend.
You are helping her.

How to determine if there is still a ‘’ connection ’’?

Even if you do not sleep already together, how is there a connection?

You think about him.
Remember him.
Sad over it.
Longing for it.
Remember periodically.
Or you regret that you have not received in those respects.
Or, when you talk about him, something living inside you happens.
What kind of reaction is going on. At this point, you can test yourself that you are in touch with this person.

And then, the question is to ask, why am I so dry, haggard, or why can I not be happy at all? Why do married men come across around me? Why time after time, ‘’ I'm a lover? ’’

Because you are a lover internally. It is read by men. Because the connection is not broken. Sex with a mistress is not in the first place for a man, and replenishment is energetic.
We not only have energy, we have emotional and nervous memory, we also have the memory of image memories. Thoughts are connected, associative series, chains. A very complicated tangle, through which the pair is fed.

WIFE

Have you noticed that when a husband looks at other women, or when he looks at a rival, they are somewhat similar to you?
Maybe you were the same.
They are not looking for someone else, but ‘’ their ’’ wife.
That is, he stopped feeling something with his wife.
Since we are little aware of people, would he have had the intelligence to figure it out?
Why is everything like this with my wife? What did he stop feeling for her?
You need to sit down, talk, find out and so on.
But he sometimes lacks his mind, and he unconsciously begins to search for that part of her that he lost in another woman.
In fact, then the wife is offended, of course she is very injured, that he is cheating, that she cannot trust him.

If a betrayal has occurred, then the wife seems to be waiting for this betrayal.
As if she is being protected from adultery from the very beginning.
And he lost something, namely some part of his wife.
Which one? Exactly the one he found in his mistress. And the wife did not give him.
Or let's say a woman ‘’ wondered ’’.
The lover knows how to admire, and the wife has forgotten how.
A lover is like what the wife does not have.
No need to expect from a man that he will decide to leave his mistress. For example, to stay with you or break off relations with your mistress.
It needs to be influenced.
When you feel that a rival is appearing, this should not be left to chance.
Otherwise, the lover will win! Why? Because it is something new! New is always interesting!

Why are men happy with this situation?

Not because men are goats.

The wife has a chance to cope with the situation. Sex with a lover is not the most important.
And do not repeat it anymore.
A man has a wife, he has what he calls his home!
And what he invests in!
There is something that he does not get at home!
The wife's state of dignity is destroyed.
The wife does not know how to influence him!
The man himself will not refuse this connection with his mistress!
Why? Because he gets the influence of two women!
A man has a third place relationship!

He comes first! Like you, in principle, should be at home!
In second place is his business, love!
In third place is a woman!
If you think that a man to the detriment of himself, begins to make a decision to leave his mistress, then you are mistaken.
You can, with his sharp argument, force him to abandon his relationship with his mistress.
He will do, and he will submit to his wife.
But in this case, he will cease to feel for his wife, as a woman's feelings.
The wife will be just his opponent.
He will be friends with her, but he will never be able to want her as a woman, as a deity who initially wanted to.
And here you need to understand that in order to weaken his connection with his mistress, you need to find a reason in yourself! Why did the emptiness begin to form on some of the levels?
Eliminate the cause of her education.
A state of confidence can be recreated in oneself.
Lack of desire, to increase them.
Money tightness, stop thinking in this way!
Inability to admire. Learn!
Inability to feel your intuition. Start applying it!
And then fill yourself with new knowledge.
Practice and so on.
If you want men to wait for a decision, to leave their mistress or not, then you can wait until the decisive Easter. If you want to do something, you must do it!

P grew up at 7 in the morning and felt that my man was cheating on me right now. I flew out of bed in an instant, got dressed and went to his house. The key in the lock does not turn, does not open calls. For half an hour I called - knocked, clearly making it clear - no, I won’t leave. What happened when the door opened is hard to describe. But I'll try.

A small digression: Events from this post occurred about five years ago. We lived together with a man, and I spent the night that day with my mother. We remembered because yesterday with a new counterpart, under the context of the film, we suddenly started talking about cheating. And he asked me a question - What will you do if you find your man with a mistress? I didn’t have an answer, but there was a story from practice — I told him that.

When the apartment door opened, a girl somehow guilty and quickly slipped out of it. I can’t say that I managed to consider it well, but my first thought was very calm, but for some reason not very pleasant - no, what kind of cheap prostitute is this? Well, really could not take a beautiful? Somehow it became insulting for him and for himself. Strange thoughts, right?

Then I went into the apartment. I looked at his guilty look.
And confused.

The betrayal was obvious, but what the hell is it supposed to do or say in such cases? Ask why is she so scary? Ask why at home? Silently and proudly pack up and go into the sunset? I didn’t like all the options that I frantically went through in my head in an awkward hanging silence. And then suddenly I distinctly realized that absolutely all my life - I went quietly, peacefully, in a friendly manner, no matter what happens, no matter how I don't give a shit about my soul.

And then I saw the sheets.

You know, every couple has something, their own, memorable, special. Someone has music, someone has “our” restaurant, others have a city in which they spent an unforgettable vacation. It is always personal, a little strange and very valuable only for the two of you. For us it was bedding. The very thing that we together, for weeks, chose, in an attempt to find something special, liked by both, such a symbol of home and sex, or something. And now, OUR linen, they covered the scene of the crime, the place of betrayal and treason.

I pereklinilo.

Next was a completely ugly scandal. I can’t say that after a while, I am ashamed of him. Nothing like this. But remembering is unpleasant for sure. I tore off the bedding, threw gifts at him that he once gave me. I launched into it a copper watch in the form of a handmade bicycle, ordered for a gift for his birthday (he loved them very much, yes). Destroyed half the apartment, screaming, crying - well, what can I say - hysteria. He was silent all this time, tried to catch me, to calm me down, I pulled myself out and everything went in a circle - accusations, accusations, accusations.

Suddenly let go.

I stood in the middle of a mess, something torn, broken, lay around. Chaos. Pain. Confusion. He cried. For some reason, I calmly asked: You wanted this, right? He said something, apologized. Both were very bad. We could not understand how it happened that our calm, good, rather friendly relations would end on such a note? We broke up.

Then he made timid attempts to return - he recorded my favorite cartoons about Lenore on the disc. Suddenly he called and asked questions out of place. I asked for advice. I missed all this, did not understand, did not accept, which, incidentally, was later regretted (which is also stupid, never suffer from the past, there will be relationships if not better, then definitely not worse!), But it was too late. A year later, he married the exact opposite of me. I hope they are very happy.

And I still don’t know the correct answer to the question:
What to do, how to behave if you find your man with a lover?

You dream that the husband and wife are fighting among themselves - in your married life complete harmony will be established.

You see in a dream that the husband and wife are merciful, doing something pleasant to each other - you are expected to part with your loved one. Husband and wife seem to exchange combs, comb each other - a dream promises you happiness.

Interpretation of dreams from the Dream Book of Catherine the Great

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Dream Interpretation - Husband

Hugging and kissing your husband, meeting or seeing him off is a sign of complete understanding and love between spouses, peace and harmony in the family.

If in a dream you give your husband a letter addressed to him, having previously familiarized yourself with its contents secretly from your spouse, this portends a divorce and division of property through the courts.

If your husband came home from work tired and also sick - such a dream portends trouble and lack of money.

A cheerful and energetic husband who has returned from hunting or fishing - to prosperity in the house and new acquisitions.

The dream in which you convict your husband of treason speaks of your overly biased attitude towards him in real life.

If the husband leaves the family in your care in a dream, and he hides for several days in an unknown direction, without deigning to give any explanation, such a dream means a temporary breakdown in the relationship between you, which, however, will soon be replaced by complete agreement.

A quarrel with a husband on the basis of a hobby for alcohol should make you think about the origins of this spouse's weakness - are they not in your behavior?

Burying her husband in a dream foreshadows the arrival of his friends, which is why the apartment will temporarily turn into an inn and at the same time a binge.

The dream in which you leave your husband for another person can cause you big trouble in real life because of your too sharp and long tongue.

If in a dream the husband goes on a business trip, and you act according to the classical scheme, taking your lover on the conjugal bed, in reality your excessive coquetry will give your husband a reason to suspect something is amiss.

For a young girl, a dream in which she sees herself as married does not promise her a marriage in the near future.

Interpretation of dreams from