As you know, the main secret of a happy marriage is sincere love - it connects two people and brings them to the same path of life. However, can feelings alone form a solid foundation for a lifelong relationship?

The statement by A. Dumas is widely known: “Love without respect does not go far and does not rise high: it is an angel with one wing.” It suggests the idea that besides warm feelings there should be something else: caring, respect, joint growth and other actions that help strengthen relations. Often people begin to truly understand the importance of such things after a divorce, when only ruins remain from the marriage. But if a person does not forget about all these simple, but important elements of a relationship, marriage will become stronger and happier.

So, here are some of the important components of a happy marriage:

• Caring and maintaining relationships

One of the main reasons for the breakdown is the lack of concern on the part of the partner. Over time, the object of love and adoration begins to be considered for granted, as something familiar, which means it does not require special attention. That is, the partner to some extent begins to be perceived as a material object, an attribute of marriage, like a car or a refrigerator. As a rule, spouses start to “take their eyes off” of the truth only with the onset of the crisis, when the partners cease to fulfill their usual duties - to cook, deliver to work, etc.

Manifestations of care are a kind of “hygiene of relationships”: caring helps a caring person to realize their own feelings for a spouse or spouse, and a person receiving care takes inspiration for new achievements, feeling loved and needed.

• Fight and love

Falling in love, people try to fight for the attention and love of their chosen one or chosen one, try to prove the strength of their feelings - through noble concessions for the sake of the interests of a partner, gifts, etc. But, legitimizing relations, spouses tend to relax: what is the point of “conquering” something, if it's already yours? That's just a partner - this is not a prize for the “knightly campaign”, but a real person with real feelings, which have to be fought for throughout the marriage. Taking care, willingness to compromise, pleasant surprises - all this “struggle” for the partner’s heart only strengthens feelings and does not allow spouses to “cool down” to each other.

• Attention to the merits of a partner

The nature of love is such that, like a ray of light, it reflects all the positive that is in a loved one, his strengths, while the flaws are thus hidden in the background. However, over time, the disadvantages of the partner become noticeable.

The most important issue for spouses at this stage of the relationship will not be the very essence of these shortcomings, but how they will be perceived. For many, such a discovery turns into a real catastrophe, and the angelic image of a loved one turns into a demonic face in an instant. After such a “demonization" of the stalls, relations begin to crack at the seams. But if a partner learns to pay attention to the merits of a loved one (and there must be a lot of them, because for some reason you fell in love with this particular person), realizing and accepting his shortcomings, then marriage will only grow stronger over time.

• Partner Acceptance

Equally important is the complete and unconditional acceptance of a partner - without trying to “fit” a loved one for yourself and without trying to “push” a partner onto the true path. Start growing yourself - and your loved one will begin to change with you.

• Responsibility

Taking responsibility for one's own happiness is also an important element of a happy marriage. You should not expect that the partner will guess all your desires or try to improve your mood. Emotions, thoughts, desires - this is the responsibility of their carrier, and only himself. No one can make a person happy without his desire. But if you feel happy, this atmosphere of happiness will extend to your partner and the whole family.

In this case, there must be a kind of ban on “breaking down” on the partner - after all, negative experiences are your area of \u200b\u200bresponsibility. It is always better to “cool down” a little, stabilize your emotional state, and only then establish communication with your loved ones.

Laughter is a vaccine for many life problems, and relationship problems are no exception. If you begin to catastrophize and escalate the situation during the occurrence of family conflicts, this begins to lead to a heating of negative feelings in everyone around. But if you start to solve the problem, while not forgetting about humor - the problem ceases to seem so hopeless.

• Attention to the life and personality of the partner

A fairly common picture: husband and wife are sitting on the couch after a working day, one of them talks about the events of the day, and the second one does not listen at all, but only “lapses” to the beat of pauses. Of course, there is nothing terrible in such a picture, it is rather comical, such a plot of marital communication is a real find for the author of anecdotes. But what if such “conversations” begin to crowd out live communication between spouses, if they ceased to show elementary attention to each other? The marriage begins to stagger. Therefore, sometimes it is much better to overcome fatigue and show real attention to the partner than to deal with the “reduced degree” of warmth and understanding in marriage later.

• Personal space

Personal space is called personal because it is intended for the person himself, should protect him from "illegal intrusions." Each person should have an island of purely personal space, where "another person’s foot hasn’t stepped." It can be almost anything: a little time alone with yourself, reading your favorite book, meeting with friends, etc. Such a space should be appreciated by your partner and the fact of the existence of this “forbidden island” should be accepted.

• Honesty

Honestly confessing their desires and mistakes, the spouses build a solid foundation for their marriage. Only being honest in relations, partners will feel sincere trust in each other, feel confident that even when everything is bad, they will always find a “reliable rear” in the person of the partner.

• Joint growth

There are many books, trainings and manuals on turning your husband into a "millionaire", "making" your partner a successful person, etc. So, this is all - manipulative trash. No, you really can turn your beloved into a successful person, only it will not become a guarantee of a strong and love-based relationship. The only honest and correct way out in this case is joint growth. Developing together, you will naturally stimulate each other to continuous development and self-actualization.

• Forgiveness

Relationships are always fraught with mistakes and resentment towards a loved one. And therefore, the ability to forgive can be compared with cement that glues cracks in a relationship: without it, the entire “construction” of a marriage once begins to crumble. But, having learned to forgive, a person not only saves his relationship, but also protects his health from the destructive influence of resentment.

How to save and strengthen your marriage?

Living in marriage is not so easy. This can be confirmed by those who are married, as well as those who have ever been married. Over time, spouses accumulate claims and grievances. They begin to complain more often, grumble, and at times even despise and ignore each other. Thoughts of one or both of the spouses begin to think that life would be much better without this person.

But if you firmly decided (there may be different reasons for preserving: common children, from material considerations, in memory of past happiness, or maybe this is a fear of a new life), then there is a way out. It lies in the fact that you can significantly improve the quality of married life in marriage, following the following tips. So, how to maintain and strengthen the marriage?

1. Accept your spouse as he is. You cannot change your partner. Do not change it. You will have to work only on yourself. But this truth is forgotten in most cases. Decide for yourself what you want save your marriage  (Of course, if your decision was just a marriage). From this moment, drive yourself bad thoughts about your spouse, do not complain about him / her and do not allow anyone, for example, your parents, to criticize him / her.
2. Think how to behave

   You will say that with your husband it is simply impossible not to grumble or whine. You are not alone. Sometimes it’s very difficult to hold back and not blame. But being a heavy person is easy, but being light is difficult.

   Remember what you decided   and strengthen your marriagewith this person and whenever something happens that you don’t like, do not react as you are used to. Take a deep breath and think about the possible behavior in this situation.

   For example: in your family, it is the husband’s responsibility to pay for electricity, he forgets to do it for the fifth time. Instead of standing reproaches, try looking for other options:

   • give her husband a receipt in the morning, before leaving home to work, and remind once or twice during the day by calling
   • go and pay myself
   • pretend you forgot to pay. When the electricity is turned off, let your spouse understand.
     The way to "pay it yourself" is likely, it’s not worth it to fulfill someone’s obligations. This option can be used only when performing small orders.
3. Try to take care every day

   Dear men! Going to a cafe on Valentine's Day or flowers once a year on International Women's Day is too little to show your half that you love her. Do not be surprised that your wife will say that you do not value her, do not love her. And the argument that you drove her to a chic restaurant on Valentine's Day is completely useless here. After all, once a year does not count.

   There is one rule: it is much more important to do something daily than from time to time. Small daily care can do better. save and strengthen your marriage.

   Women, as a rule, do not face this. They take care of their spouse daily: wash, cook, iron, clean. But men take it for granted. And women have to come up with something else to show their concern. This can be a light relaxing massage or arrange a dinner for him in front of the TV so that he can eat and not break away from football. You can come up with your own original ways of taking care.

   Hug your partner more often, kiss him, say nice words and take care. You will be amazed at the results. You yourself will feel a feeling of tenderness for the partner, and he will also react to them when he sees your actions. Do you remember the 3rd paragraph of this article? People notice actions. Show your love.

Marriage is far from easy. This is confirmed by all people who are married, as well as those who have ever been married to him. Sooner or later, spouses begin to accumulate mutual insults and claims. They begin too often to grumble, complain, grumble, and sometimes even ignore and despise each other. One, and possibly both spouses, comes up with the thought that without this life partner, he / she would have been much better off.

Nevertheless, if you are determined to save your marriage (no matter for what reasons: children, financial considerations, memories of a happy past, or perhaps you are just too lazy and afraid of change), then there is good news for you. It is that quality can be significantly improved. family lifeConsidering the following:

1. Make a decision for yourself

You cannot change your partner. You cannot make him behave differently. You will have to work only on yourself. This sad truth is often forgotten. You and only you must decide for yourself once and for all that you choose to stay married to this person (unless, of course, you have decided this). From now on, you must drive away evil thoughts from him about him / her, not complain about him / her and not allow others, such as your mother, to criticize him / her.

2. Look for behaviors

You will say: "But how not to whine and not grumble, you just do not know my husband!". Willingly I believe. Sometimes it is insanely difficult to resist reproaches. Nevertheless, as GK Chesterton said, “It’s easy to be a heavy person, easy to be light.”

Remember your decision to stay married to this person, and every time something happens that you don’t like, don’t react automatically (the way you are used to). Take a deep breath and look for possible solutions.

Example: your husband for the fifth time forgets to pay for electricity (and in your family you agreed that it was his duty). Instead of grumbling: “Again, you forgot to pay! You can’t be entrusted with anything,” look for options.

You can:

1. hand over a receipt to her husband in the morning when he leaves home to work, and additionally call him a couple of times during the day so that he does not forget.
2. clenched teeth, go pay yourself
3. pretend that you forgot about paying for electricity. Let your husband deal with the consequences when the electricity is really cut off for you.

The option "pay the bill itself" is possible, but, of course, you can’t take on other people's obligations all the time. This option can be used only when performing the smallest and most insignificant instructions.

3. Take care every day

Men! Once to go to the cafe on St. Valentine's Day or to give a bouquet of flowers on March 8 once a year is not enough to show your friend that you love her. If your wife tells you: "You do not love me and do not value me," then it is useless to answer her: "Yes, I, yes I, I drove you to such a cool restaurant on February 14th." Once a year is not considered and is not valued.

There is a rule: "What you do every day is much more important than what you do sometimes." Small manifestations of care every day will make your relationship much stronger than some grandiose manifestations of love, but once a year.

Women generally have no such problem. Every day they take care of their husband: they cook, wash, iron, do the cleaning. Another thing is that men generally do not appreciate this work and take these manifestations of care for granted. Therefore, women will have to do something beyond what they usually do to strengthen relationships. For example, sometimes give her husband a light massage or bring him dinner on a tray so that he can eat it without breaking away from a football match. If you usually do this, then come up with your own, original ways of caring.

4. Quarrel correctly

Quarrels cannot be avoided in any, even the most loving, couples. However, “couples who argue correctly settle just one question at once, and don’t remember each other all the sins since the first date. Such couples focus on the discussion instead of exploding with indignation, and do not use reproaches like“ You never ... "or" You are always ... ".

They know how to bring the argument to the end, instead of wrangling for hours. They use "mitigating techniques" - words and actions that do not allow evil feelings to spill out. In such couples, spouses are able to realize what other influence the other spouse is experiencing. For example, a husband understands how a wife is torn between work and home, or a wife understands how a husband is torn between the demands of a mother and mother-in-law ...

So writes about the ability to quarrel correctly Gretchen Rubin in the book "Project Happiness." I would like to add that, according to a famous psychologist (unfortunately, I don’t remember exactly who), people who recall each other’s old grievances during a quarrel are like people who always carry bags of rotten stinky fish and throw themselves on occasion these rotten fish into each other.

5. More positive!

Here is a very important point. The positive in your marriage should outweigh the negative, that is, the positive should be greater than the negative. This is what caused all the advice to spouses to sometimes spend a romantic evening together or go on a trip, having arranged a second honeymoon.

When the relationship of the spouses is strong enough and imbued with kindness and love, it is much easier to cope with the misunderstanding that has arisen about some issue. So set aside the time you spend with your spouse, getting pleasant emotions. This is absolutely necessary to strengthen your marriage.

This does not have to be time spent alone, the main thing is that you spend it together. You can enjoy a picnic with your children or dinner in a restaurant with another couple.

6. Speak heart to heart

We get so used to our second half that one day we may be surprised to hear how he / she is discussing some subject with someone else. We believe that for us, our spouse can no longer be anything unusual or interesting. Be careful! Do not take the bad style of giving your spouse less attention than strangers.

Be careful. Respond to the manifestations of love and attention from your spouse. If, for example, he asks you for something or wants to sit with you, do not run away from him with the words: “Then, I still have to wash the floor at the arrival of the guests.” (Of course, my examples are mainly for women, but I think they will help men understand the general rule as well).

It is absolutely necessary from time to time to speak heart to heart, clarify the state of your common affairs and plans for life, and adjust these plans. Alas, it is completely useless to try to talk about this with your spouse during a football match. However, you can choose when the spouse is in the mood to discuss this.

Plus some little secret

For example, you and your spouse quarrel and pout each other. You are very angry with him / her. Try to approach your partner and hug him. What will you feel? That's right, you will feel that all the anger has disappeared somewhere. You will feel love and peace.

Try to hug your partner more often, kiss him, speak affectionate words and take care in everyday life. You will be amazed at what the results will be. You yourself will feel a surge of tenderness for your partner, and he, in turn, will see your actions and react to them. Remember paragraph 3 of this article? People see only action. Confirm, show your love.

I hope this article made you think about your family relationships  and how they can be improved. Waiting for your feedback in the comments.

Often, the appearance of children is considered the cause of a difficult period when a relationship arises in a relationship. Is it so? Why do others say that children strengthen their families? Perhaps, between these two opinions is the path that a man and a woman must take in order to cultivate their love and cement relations, raising a child together? Let's see what you have to face along the way and what to do to strengthen the marriage.

Today the site together with our expert Anna Bialatskaya, psychologist, trainer of the Institute of Professional Training, director of the Izmena.net project, as well as the daughter’s wife and mother,  we will figure out what happens in a relationship after the birth of a baby, and as with all this strengthen marriage.

What happens in the family after the birth of children?

With the advent of children in the family, the time for each other between a man and a woman becomes less. A woman loaded with “childish” affairs sometimes forgets about herself and her life, pays less attention to a man. Due to the mess and turmoil in the house, the woman is nervous and loses control of family life.

Because of this, the man spent less time at home, and he begins to move away. Often a woman associates her life with the life of her baby, so she forgets about herself and about her relationship with her man.

The man, at this time, is moving away, not understanding the reasons for what is happening and not delving into thoughts.

And so, gradually, a small crack gives a big hole in the relationship. Although, it would seem, with the advent of a child, there should be more love in a relationship.

Please note that the main part of the difficulties in the relationship falls on the period of the birth of the first child. Therefore, it is necessary to solve all the problems at this time, otherwise they will all grow up with the child. Over the years, the discord may become less noticeable, because you just get used to living with it, learn to tolerate something that could have been avoided before.

How to strengthen marriage against the backdrop of all this?

1. Understand the expectations and responsibilities of each spouse. Discuss what you will have to prepare for and what you will have to put up with

Anna Belyatskaya believes that the biggest mistake is that the couple does not speak out their expectations, requirements, opinions, because “if we love, it will work out”, but talking and discussing is like casting doubt on ourselves love.   And then begins "and I thought ...", "and I was waiting ..." and the worst thing is "that means you do not love me."

Our expert recommends that women discuss in advance all issues regarding the imminent appearance of a child. So that one day it does not turn out that the husband, for example, sincerely considers his only task to make money.

What you will discuss with your husband will most likely seem common truths. But if you come to one thing, both agree to certain conditions, then it will be easier for you, because your family life will become, firstly, predictably good, and secondly, based on the fact that everyone knows their responsibilities and agreed with them, and does not fulfill someone imposed burdening duty.

Discuss with your husband who and how will work, what part he will take in daily child care, how much time you will devote to yourself as a couple. Speak with him that, naturally, immediately after the birth of the child, you will devote less time to the man, but this will not mean that you love him less, etc.

Discuss that you will be very tired and most likely will not look as fresh as a May rose, as now, but you still need to hear warm words from him in your address.

The main thing in these conversations is sincerity and a mutual desire to jointly prepare for a new, possibly difficult situation in life. If your conversations turn into a “swing” of rights, then this is a sign that something is wrong in your relationship, and the reason for this is not a child.

2. Discuss the roles of “mom” and “dad”

The self-confidence of many young parents leads to the fact that after the birth of a child, irreconcilable contradictions arise in views on education and relations. There is no clear pattern of mom’s behavior or dad   all duties are distributed in a chaotic manner. As a result, the child, as a rule, with his needs, “falls” on the already loaded female shoulders.

Discuss (and discuss as the child grows up, when new areas of attention appear) with the husband, what is the responsibility of the mother, and what is the responsibility of the pope. Who is involved in the nutrition of the child, the purchase of clothing, development, games, punishment;   over time, these will be issues of communication with teachers, educational conversations   on various sensitive topics, etc. Determine how you will educate your baby - whether you will allow him everything or will you keep in strictness, fostering discipline.

How to strengthen marriage after the birth of children?

Most likely, the lion's share of the responsibilities for caring for the child will fall on you, so immediately get the support and potential help of your husband in any specific matters. At a minimum, after such a conversation, he will know that maternity leave is far from a vacation, and caring for a child at any age is also a job.

Defining roles significantly strengthens the marriage, because now you are held together by not only an ephemeral feeling (which is forgotten after washing the mountain of diapers and cleaning the apartment after the fighting of your baby), but also the responsibility of raising a common child.

3. Determine your day off

A tired and annoyed woman is a disaster for the whole family. In addition, a well-groomed look and dying eyes will sooner or later cease to excite a man, and this does not benefit marriage. Therefore, agree with your husband that you will have some day / time when you can be alone / with friends, and he will take care of the child.

Anna Belyatskaya says that one of the typical mistakes of women is the inability to put themselves and their homework in such a way as to carve out a full weekend. After all, it seems that she may well rest when the baby is sleeping. This is not true. All the same, she cannot relax, knowing that at any second the child may demand her attention.

There can be no talk of good rest here. Therefore, it is very important for some specific time a week to completely shift all care for the child onto the shoulders of the father. This will make it possible to devote time only to ourselves, without flinching from every rustle, and allow the father to feel the full responsibility for the child. " In the future, this will help the man to be more involved in the life of his son or daughter.

4. Define a day off for the whole family

So that you can enjoy the realization that you have a family where everyone loves each other, they can understand how to spend time with each other, arrange joint rest.   The main thing is that this happens outside the apartment, in which fuss occurs every day, from which everyone gets tired not only physically, but emotionally. The older the child becomes, the more you will get used to this hectic and forget about yourself. Therefore, agree with your husband that at least once a month you go out of town, to the country house, anywhere, in order to relax and devote time to the family.

Such joint trips will help you focus only on yourself, on your feelings, in short - on the main thing. On the main thing that is forgotten in the routine.

5. Engage in your development and spend time with your husband, as before

See movies   and read books, discuss seen and read. Communicate on topics that were previously of interest to you, if possible, take time for common hobbies - tennis, steam yoga, ice skating, horse riding, etc.

“Even if there is nobody to ask to sit with the child, to go to the cinema together or just to be alone,” advises Anna Belyatskaya, “find moments in which the eyes will be directed only at each other. Very often, women in the first years after giving birth concentrate only on the family, close themselves within it and think only about the baby. And this is also a mistake.

A man once became interested in a woman who had her own life, her hobbies. And when her personality dissolves in everyday life and nursery rhymes, he is disappointed. Where is the woman that was interesting to him? What to talk about with her, apart from the composition of baby food? ”

6. Take care of your husband one after another

If you used to say nice words, do massage, kiss and hugging each other’s friend was your inner need, now, after changing diapers, buying regular shoes or parent-child meetings, you only have the strength to lie back in your chair for fifteen minutes with pleasure. So let all the good things be right now!

Kisses in the mornings, daily hugs, light massage before going to bed let them become a tradition (for the first time by agreement, for example, you give each other a compliment every morning, every evening take turns massage each other, fall asleep in an embrace). You will notice how with pleasure you will wait for your husband from work, and how your relations will change for the better.

Children do not pose any threat to marriage if, with their birth, you are able to maintain a clear understanding of why you are with your spouse. A marriage is shaken only when routine concerns and previously deeply hidden egoism are among the priorities in the relationship. But you know how to avoid this, right?

Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA