Why does cheating make us feel guilty?

Thirty-year-old Inna is happily married, but once at a conference she could not resist the charm of her colleague. Since then, Inna has been tormented, trying to justify her fleeting betrayal. “I was young, shy and melted when a confident man older than me began to take care of me,” Inna says. "However, I feel very bad after this story, I feel terribly guilty."

The serious word is “guilty”. Means, we are not so liberated? Is it not easy to cheat on your spouse or partner? Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova is sure that guilt is just evidence of the value of relationships: we value them and fear that we could harm them.

“If we say 'treason', then we are talking about an established couple. While the choice of a partner has not yet been made and we are comparing opportunities, including sexual ones, we do not call it treason and do not feel guilty. "

Providing the unfaithful spouse with a compelling alibi has even spawned a special kind of business - agencies are emerging that offer such services. This is despite the fact that the law no longer considers adultery a crime. Divorce has become so commonplace that it does not surprise anyone, much less outrages, and on dating sites, many men and women do not hide their married status.

It is not easy to decide to cheat, it does not remain without consequences and always requires some kind of justification.

Is infidelity something of a fashion to be followed by discarding morality and suppressing guilt? However, sociologist Charlotte Le Van has interviewed dozens of unfaithful spouses and now claims the exact opposite: “I was amazed that today, apart from those whom I called“ principle traitors, ”that is, hedonists who made the search for pleasure a principle of life, no one enters into extramarital relations. just. It is not easy to decide on treason, it does not remain without consequences and always requires some kind of justification. "

What drives us to treason

Psychologists strive to investigate the root causes of infidelity. “Behavior is influenced by many hidden impulses,” says psychologist Maryse Vaillant, “and sometimes the true essence is far from what is on the surface. Maybe a lover of women seduces them because he is driven by a desperate desire to regain his mother's love, and not just because of the sexual dissatisfaction that he says he feels in his relationship with his wife.

According to Marina Baskakova, infidelity sometimes turns out to be a way ... to keep a couple! “In family therapy, the concept is called a guest third,” she says. - This secret accomplice in family life helps to defuse the tension that accumulates in the couple, and thereby maintains the existence of the union. Moreover, this tension is not always sexual in nature. The "traitor" can make up for the lack of interest in his affairs, care, recognition.

For someone who chronically cheats for the sake of new experiences, I would first of all ask how he is creatively realized: in this way, the lack of creativity in life is often compensated for. And for women who sacrificed for the sake of the family, for example, a career or personal development, betrayal can become a path to liberation from the assumed role of the keeper of the hearth, a return to their own essence. "

Secret and overt

As long as we do not want to change our relationship in a couple and avoid hurting our partner, we are able to hide our adventures on the side. “If“ evidence ”appears: traces of lipstick on the collar, worn out sms on the phone - this is not at all an accidental oversight, - Marina Baskakova is sure. - This is a kind of message for a partner: “Something went wrong! Pay attention to me! "

Often, cheating becomes an occasion to discuss relationships, to overestimate your importance for each other. “Feeling guilty is a difficult experience,” says the gestalt therapist. - If we analyze it, we will find that there is a lot of excitement, animation, even joy in it. To better understand this, you can imagine a child who ate candy without asking or went for a walk without his elders. And the reaction of the one who is deceived is also a strong feeling. The power of these emotions gives the couple a new burst of energy that can move the frozen relationship off the ground. "

An open discussion can lead to different results. Perhaps partners admit that their union is no longer satisfying, and come to the idea of ​​breaking up. But it also happens the other way around: feelings for each other come to life. “If a couple manages to resolve the conflict, the bond between partners becomes stronger,” says Marina Baskakova.

I know you know

Ilona, ​​47, tells how she discovered the disappearance of her love diary. “All of it was written in the form of appeals to a man, an affair with whom lasted about a year. Even when we parted, I continued to lead him for a while. There were also pasted in very eloquent photographs - at them we looked at each other with loving eyes. The notebook was hidden under my linen in a dresser drawer.

One fine day I wanted to re-read the diary, and it turned out that he was not there! I had no doubt that my husband had found him. There was simply no one else. I cannot convey what I felt then. Anger and guilt, shame and fear ... I prepared myself for a decisive explanation, a frank confession and the fact that it could lead to a breakup. However, time passed, nothing happened, the husband was silent.

About a month later, I guessed to look in his desk - and for sure, the diary was found in one of the drawers. I picked him up and took him to his parents. My husband and I never said a word about this incident. But I realized how much he values ​​me. It was very important for me to make sure that our relationship means so much to him that he is ready to give up his pride in order to keep it. "

Feelings of guilt in one partner can turn them into an object of manipulation by the other.

Cheating is not something that one of the partners commits without any connection with the other, it is something that happens to the couple. “Not“ with him ”or“ with her, ”but“ with us, ”emphasizes Marina Baskakova. - Therefore, accusations and self-accusations are meaningless. The feeling of guilt of one partner can turn him into an object of manipulation by another: changed - give a gift, fulfill the request.

But only by asking ourselves: why this betrayal happened, that I am trying to find what my need I want to satisfy, we get a chance to understand the meaning of what is happening to us as a couple. "

A new definition of love

Like all primates, we are naturally polygamous, but morally and socially we function as monogamous creatures. It turns out that we live in a state of constant conflict: our biological nature comes into conflict with the value system. And we need an explanation to calm our conscience.

“When desire comes into conflict with our social and moral“ I ”, we are forced under the threat of mental breakdown to rationalize everything, to look for an explanation for everything,” notes Maryse Vaillant. - We blame our partners for imperfection, based on the false assumption that if they satisfied us, it would never occur to us to look for sexual pleasures on the side.

There is a process of consuming love and turning it into an instrument for serving our needs. We are supposed to receive complete satisfaction from love. And if this is not so, then we are trying to make up for this deficiency, sometimes with the help of cheating. However, the path to a real relationship opens only through the contact of the unconscious of two people. This is what we should strive for, that if it does not protect us from betrayal, it will help us to feel our relationship with another person in all their depth and complexity. "

And maybe this will lead us to a more "human" form of love: true, but at the same time aware of our inner structure, not deceiving us about the person we must first of all care about ... about ourselves.

Arguments of infidelity

Kirill, 58 years old, TV presenter

“I remained faithful to my wife for twenty years, although after our daughter was born, Marina began to devote less time to me. It's hard for a man to come to terms with this. One day I met a younger woman and we started a whirlwind romance. I told Marina about this. I hoped to awaken something in her in this way. But this led to a terrible crisis.

We parted, then converged again. The relationship with my mistress developed in the same way. Attacks of jealousy, breakups, returns ... For a year I rushed between two women, then turned to a psychotherapist. Little by little I realized what was really happening to me.

When I was four years old, my mother, who was too busy with her work, entrusted my aunt with raising me. The apparent lack of love on the part of my wife revived in me the memory of the same lack of love on the part of my mother. In addition, I felt how time was passing, I was afraid to grow old. The new novel is a renaissance, albeit an illusory one. You feel young and beautiful.

I broke up with my girlfriend. I realized that Marina loves me. She could have left me, but she didn't. Besides, I could not leave her and my daughter. This story, among other things, taught me how to grow old. This, however, does not prevent me from constantly looking at the girls. But just watch! "

Vera, 40, restaurant owner

“I come from Belarus. I met my future husband when I was 23 years old. We got married, our oldest daughter was born, then we moved to Moscow. That was not easy. I didn’t work, my husband often left. He was very attentive, always brought gifts, called me. I got pregnant again.

One evening I got a call and was told that my husband had been cheating on me for three years. It was a shock. All the trust I had in him instantly evaporated. A second daughter was born, our life returned to its former rut, but everything went awry, we no longer had a sexual relationship. Every evening I went out to have fun. A year later, I started my first affair. This was not revenge, since I no longer cared how my husband felt.

Then I had a real romance that lasted three years. I wanted to love and be loved, but not commit myself. When my lover left his wife and asked me to live together, I stopped everything. Since then, I have no one. I still live with my husband. I am not interested in his life, he is not interested in mine. We do not get divorced: we have a calm relationship, the children have both parents ...

But I can't even think about creating something new. I don't want to take any more risks. I cannot call myself either happy or unhappy. I protect what I have. "

Zhanna, 37 years old, university lecturer

“I have been married for fifteen years. I love my husband with all my heart, and he reciprocates. He is the man of my life. We have two kids. Our sex life is rich, full of love, we often have sex, and I am always surprised to hear my girlfriends talk about their relationships with their husbands. Sex often does not bring them joy. They are rather indifferent to him, this is a routine, an ordinary thing.

There is only one "but" ... In order to live normally, I need meetings with other men. I get to know them online or at work. I need to constantly feel that I am desired, seductive, I need new physical sensations. You see, even if you adore chocolate cakes and can eat them at any time, you still sometimes want candied fruits, or meringues, or cotton candy.

In what I do, there is nothing humiliating for my husband, rather the opposite. None of my novels have weakened the desire that I feel for him. It seems to me that this cannot be called treason - after all, nothing changes in our life, and I am not doing this in order to get rid of him. He doesn't know anything. And I can't imagine that I would ever tell him about it. I value my family very much. "