Practitioners of democratic upbringing of mom and dad admit that they periodically become victims of childish manipulations. Spoiled kids sit on their necks as adults, forcing them to fulfill any whim. However, even the most strict parents are not immune from such psychological tricks on the part of the child. How to understand that you are on a short leash with a child? How can you regain your previous authority? What mistakes should not be made if a little manipulator appeared in your family? The psychologist of our portal Anastasia Vyalykh will help to understand these issues.

Mistake # 1: the child's attempts to manipulate his parents are noticed too late

Most parents make the same mistake: they do not notice the first signs of manipulation by their son or daughter. And, as you know, a disease not diagnosed in time leads to complications.

According to the psychologist of the portal "I am a parent" Anastasia Vyalykh, babies are not able to manipulate others. Attempts to attract attention to yourself are more driven by instincts than conscious desires. The crumb cannot take care of himself on his own, therefore, calls on his mother for help. But at the primary school age, the child is already consciously trying to manipulate mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, nannies and other close people. If a child has identified a certain technique that allows him to get what he wants from an adult, he will regularly use it.

“In order not to develop the qualities of a manipulator in your child, it is important to recognize the first attempts at manipulation in time and make it clear that it does not work,” notes Anastasia Vyalykh. - To do this, it is necessary to note regularly recurring cases when the child receives what you did not allow him.

Your child can use tears, begging, flattery, and hysterical or aggressive behavior as "methods" of getting what he wants.

If a parent is attentive and sensitive, then it will not be difficult for him to compare the "scale of the tragedy" (that is, the child's perception of the situation), and the real importance of what he wants to receive, and, thus, identify an attempt at manipulation. You can also talk directly with the child (before emotions overwhelm him), find out what he specifically wants and why. "

Mistake # 2: a bad example

Psychologist Anastasia Vyalykh emphasizes that sometimes parents themselves provoke children, encouraging them to use manipulation to achieve goals. “Firstly, they can manipulate children themselves, if they do not know other ways of influencing the child’s behavior, thereby setting a negative example. And secondly, parents can unconsciously reinforce the manipulative actions that have arisen once. The most important reinforcement for a child is, of course, getting what he demanded, ”the expert comments.

Mistake # 3: giving up and giving in

Indeed, sometimes it is easier for adults to make concessions to a naughty child, so that he calms down and "untied". Most often, mothers and fathers succumb to the provocations of their children in a crowded place: at a party, in a store, in a clinic.

Quite a common phenomenon - in the department of children's toys, a kid throws a tantrum, demanding to buy him a doll or a car. And my mother, blushing with shame for her unrestrained capriciousness, appeases him with a new toy, that is, she becomes a victim of manipulation.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, do not rush to give up positions and fulfill requirements that are beyond your interests. Show patience and steadfastness. Otherwise, the child, who senses your weak defense, will continue to force you to act to please him.

Mistake # 4: being aggressive

So, you are fully aware that your son or daughter is manipulating you. Resentment, irritation, anger and a desire to punish the offender is a natural reaction that must be suppressed. Destructive emotions in this case can be viewed as a flammable liquid that has been injected into a small fire.

“I could not even imagine that my violent indignation at my son's behavior further exacerbated the situation. His manipulation consisted of pretending to be sick whenever he didn't want to go to school. He stayed at home with my consent, and then I caught him in a lie. She scolded, took away her mobile phone, threatened to complain to her father, even cried. And he just grinned in response, - the mother of a 12-year-old schoolboy Olga Burlakova shares her experiences, - and then one of the teachers advised me to use a different tactic - calmness, an even voice without shrill notes, a balanced decision regarding the punishment for lying and absenteeism ... As a result, the child stopped using my kindness against me, the manipulations came to naught, he became bored with manipulating me. "

It is very important not to overdo it, trying to save yourself from dancing to the tune of a child-manipulator. Some parents believe that the best way to curb pressure from their son or daughter is. Children may perceive such behavior as indifference towards them and their needs. As a result, we get a childish resentment, isolation, anger, and in the worst case, also depression, provoked by the wrong conclusion: “I am an empty place for them. They don't love me. "

How can you intelligently reduce the risk of manipulation (or at least minimize the frequency) by the child and not destroy the fragile bridge of understanding? Psychologist Anastasia Vyalykh recommends:

• Be sure you are right. To do this, mentally mark clear boundaries: "good" and "bad", "permissible" and "unacceptable." These boundaries will help you make a decision; in no case should they be violated by external circumstances;
• Set only the basic and most important boundaries for the child. Within them, give him freedom - you should not prohibit everything;
• Respect the child's opinion, but at the same time explain that you, the adult, make the final decision;
• Be honest and open, follow the rules of the family, and if you make a mistake, admit it;
• Recognize the child's right to negative emotions when he does not get what he wants, do not scold him for tantrums, but at the same time do not make concessions;
• and always remain calm with your child;
• Maintain (or restore) a trusting relationship with your child, often talk about how much you love him.

We hope these tips will help you take matters into your own hands and restore peace to your family. Remember, any manipulation by a child is aimed at getting your attention. If whims, lies and all sorts of psychological tricks on the part of a son or daughter have become more frequent, think about whether you give enough warmth and affection to your child? This may be the right time for positive changes that will bring you closer to your child.

Alla Panasenko, Anastasia Vyalykh

The supermarket was crowded in the evening, but it was impossible not to notice this kid in the crowd. Plump and pink, about 5-6 years old, he was lying in a beautiful jacket with a fringe right on the dirty floor and with clean sleeves raking in the generous spring slush brought by customers on shoes. “I want-oo-oo-oo! Buy-and-and-and! "

His mother, embarrassed, looked around. It's a shame. And then, in one impulse, she grabbed the designer in a box from the shelf and threw it into the cart. The little one nodded with satisfaction, got up, instantly calmed down and, wiping off the dirty stains from his jacket, stomped with her to the cash register.

Such situations are repeated every day. In shops, kindergartens, in our apartments. Children skillfully manipulate adults. And parents do not immediately realize that they are being used for their personal interests.

What it is?

Manipulation is an implicit, hidden tactic of influencing the psyche of others in order to achieve what you want.Everyone does it to one degree or another. At work in a team, in public transport, in the subway, in a family. Moreover, for all, without exception, ways to manipulate "legs grow" precisely from the practice of family manipulation, that is, from childhood. Experienced manipulators have reached impressive heights in this!

Parents often manipulate their children: “Buy you a chocolate bar? Then take away the toys! "," Do you love me? Then go with your grandmother to the dacha! "...

Children learn the art of psychological influence almost from birth, they have wonderful teachers - their own mom and dad. Even if parents try not to resort to manipulation, there is no guarantee that children will not “blackmail” their ancestors in various ways. By mastering this art, they, by and large, learn to be more successful. It is important to recognize manipulation as quickly as possible and take action, otherwise negative consequences cannot be avoided.

How to recognize?

Often the manipulation of children by the victim-parents is like a love deficit. Try not to get confused.

You are one hundred percent victim of a young manipulator if:

1. You have no choice. The options offered by the manipulator are illusory, they always play into the hands of only him. The victim always loses.
2. If you are not sure if you are a good parent and do a lot by trial, you often change the tactics of parenting. Sly children (and they are all without exception) quickly "grasp" your timidity and inconstancy and begin to play on feelings of guilt.
3. If a child repeats the same situation often, and in it he exactly reproduces his facial expressions, words, gestures. Remember, this is manipulation!
4. If parents more and more often have a feeling that they were “cornered”.
5. If every time from a small problem (for example, to put on tights in the morning, going to kindergarten), the kid puts on a whole performance. If the ritual is repeated every day, this means only one thing: the young manipulator is trying to establish his control over the parents (example: the child does not want to go to bed, and every evening he demands that they bring him a drink, open the window, turn on the night light, then bring him back to drink. And this several times. This is most often not thirst or need for fresh air. It is an attempt to delay the necessary sleep. Manipulation.

When do children start to manipulate?

This ability is formed at the age of 1.5 to 3 years. Babies perfectly feel the emotional state of their parents, especially their mothers, because the baby has a long-standing relationship with her - from birth and even 9 months before it. It is on the mother that the kids usually begin to hone their manipulator skills. Dads are less affected.

Some psychologists are of the opinion that babies under 1.5 years old do not know how to manipulate. Another part argue that the crumbs are manipulated perfectly by crying. From personal observations, I can say that babies do not always cry from hunger, cold or pain. There are times when they just scream. They call mom because they are bored and in a bad mood.And what is this, no matter how the very first manipulation?

Older children, who have already mastered the psychology of relationships and the simplest methods of influencing the parental psyche, pretend to be sick or roll on the floor in hysterical attacks in order to achieve what they want. In general, teenagers can openly blackmail.

Why do children do this?

• They do not know how to cooperate as equals yet. Manipulation in this case replaces partnerships with adults.
• They want a lifesaver — an always-working way to get things they want.
• They want to be more mature and meaningful.

What methods do children use?

• Hysterics ("weapon" of a wide spectrum of action - from whining to seizure).
• Feigned helplessness- "Mom will do everything herself, because she will certainly pity me." Children complain that they cannot put on shoes, get dressed, that they are tired, they have a headache. Often they use this method when they do not want to go to kindergarten.
• Feigned belligerence. This method is chosen by a manipulator with character. He tries to influence those around him with fights, quarrels. A usually calm child can suddenly become a real terrorist if he really wants to get what he wants.
• Disease or its simulation. If the baby has firmly learned that mom and dad are ready to do everything for him when he is sick, then this can begin to be used for personal purposes. He will demonstrate weakness, complain of headaches, voluntarily go to bed and even drink a potion, because after that his parents will definitely allow him more than usual, buy the cherished toy and sweets.
• Flattery. This method is quite common. Before asking for something, the baby will say compliments, hug, kiss the parents. But do not flatter yourself, he went to flattery in order to get what he wanted.

Effects

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, indulge them, follow the lead, the child can grow up with wrong, "unhealthy" attitudes towards the future.

Manipulations will become so firmly embedded in a person's character that it is difficult to predict what he will be willing to go to in order to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old. The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

Agree, it is very scary to deal with an adult, experienced and cunning manipulator. Most people are able to recognize manipulators, they feel their sixth sense, intuitively, and try to avoid them. Therefore, it will be extremely difficult for such matured psychological "terrorists" to build friendly relations, start a family, and get used to work collectives.

If a manipulator from childhood managed to make people "dance to his tune", and one day a malfunction of the well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly happens, this can turn out to be a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a collapse of life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a difficult and unpleasant diagnosis.

How do I stop?

Now I will say a very unusual thing for loving parents - you need to forget about pity! Let's learn to distinguish between pity and mercy.

The first is a destructive feeling. It does not benefit either the pitying person or the pitying one. Compassion means understanding, responsiveness, love, and understanding the cause of what is happening. We stop feeling sorry for the manipulator and gain strength and patience.

If you already know for sure that you are being manipulated, and were able to determine with our help what type of manipulators your child belongs to, the time choose tactics of behavior with him:

• Slow and helplessthose who are always looking at you with compassionate, ingratiating eyes need to be called to independence and set a strict time frame for them. “Do it yourself. You can put on the shirt yourself. And you have 15 minutes for that! " Carefully take advantage of the oncoming manipulation - "before you get dressed, we will have to postpone the trip to the zoo." The main thing is your determination and inflexibility. Tears and a mournful look shouldn't make your heart flutter. The whole family should take care of the crybaby so that none of the household members changes his mind at the last moment and does not go to meet the aching "blackmailer".
• With children whose favorite manipulation tool is hysterics,the Nordic calm should be kept. Calmness. And once again calmness. It is difficult, no one argues, but only in this way the manipulator will be able to understand that tantrums cannot improve the situation, that that method does not work. But be careful - hysterical-prone guys are usually very quick-witted and labile, they can quickly change tactics to another.
• Bully and bully who manipulate through fights and quarrels, must be put in place. Show them that you are not afraid of them and no one is. Fighting enthusiasm will begin to subside.
• With imitating diseaseit's pretty simple. The child began to complain, go to bed and hint, like Carlson, that "a jar of jam will definitely save the sickest person in the world"? Call your doctor right away or make an appointment at the clinic. Is always. After any complaint. Here your conscience will be clear: either deception and manipulation will be revealed, or a disease that actually exists can be treated at an early stage. Most children hate doctors and medicines. Therefore, the child will stop manipulating rather quickly.
• The most dangerous manipulators are those who start doing it in a public place. It is publicly harder for parents to remain calm and not be led. But this must be done. A firm and categorical "No!" And no more explanations and beliefs.
• Emotional blackmailers- is also not a simple category. Their favorite technique is to sigh heavily: “Nobody loves me here. You don't need me, why did you give birth to me? " They masterfully knock their parents together with their foreheads. Especially if the spouses are divorced. If one has forbidden something, then the second, in response to heavy sighs, will most likely give in and allow. Agree with your husband (wife) about unity of purpose. So that the “no” of one of the parents never becomes “yes” from the other. Moreover, if you are divorced.

1. Encourage direct expression of your desires. If you cannot give what the child asks for, directly and firmly say your "no" and justify why now the child's request cannot be fulfilled.
2. In the process of liberation from the manipulator's actions, do not allow the personality and character of the child to be crippled. He is what he is. And you can't change it radically.
3. The most violent manipulator is a teenager.He may even threaten to leave the house. This can and should be endured.
4. Try not to be manipulative yourself.Instead of: "Do the cleaning, buy ice cream" you can say: "Let's do the cleaning, and then eat ice cream together?"
5. Don't compare children in a family."Look, he behaves well, and why are you like that?"
6. Let the child always feel that he is loved.
7. Do not run the situation with manipulation, stop it as quickly as possible.
8. Do not use physical punishment on the manipulator. This will not give the desired result, and will spoil the relationship completely.
9. There will be a lot of quarrels in the fight against manipulation.The main rule that you must learn yourself and inspire your child is always to make up before bed!
10. Teach your toddler to respect parenting needs as well - Mom is also a person, she can get tired, need silence. And therefore, joint modeling is postponed to a later time.
11. Guilt is extremely difficult for parents to cope with. Remember, children can manipulate guilt feelings too.
12. It is important for parents to stop being manipulative themselves, at least on the family front.The most common marital tools to achieve something are silence, a sudden departure "to live with a friend or mother," a spree. Sound familiar? Then it's time to learn to trust and express your desires openly.
13. Psychologist's advice
14. Parent manipulation

After five minutes of communication with this woman, I realized: her problem is not that she is an unsuccessful parent, but that she is an irresponsible parent. She was unable to realize in time the need for a "divorce" from her child, which no mother had yet managed to avoid. The inevitability of such a "divorce" is usually not recognized by the parents and gives rise to the greatest number of problems in relations with adolescents.

After an hour's conversation, the agitated mother decided not to follow the neighbors' advice "to be stricter", but, on the contrary, to praise her son for his growing independence, that is, to allow him to become an adult without scandals and tears. Not to keep him in childhood, but to find new interests for himself in order to fill the emerging void.

It turned out that her fifteen-year-old son is not very different from his peers. A way of protest? Yes, he was a bright personality. But the need for rebellion is felt by all adolescents, without exception. This can be expressed in unusual outfits, hairstyles, jargon ... But you never know in what! Young people are so resourceful. Sadly, parents also come under fire. It is considered a prejudice to agree with them. Most of the time a normal teenager spends outside the home, in the company of peers. And if the parents blame him for this or express dissatisfaction with friends, the contact will be interrupted for a long time.

This situation is as old as the world. But not for parents who are experiencing it, as they say, on their own skin. She just plunges them into a panic: "Where did we go wrong?" "Why did this happen to us?" "What to do now?"

The best advice for these parents is to do nothing. The adolescent's departure "to his friends" is just a natural phase of his development, a growth pain. This will pass if you do not interfere, do not show violence. Love them and let them grow.

In fact, this story is described in the parable of the prodigal son, who was healed thanks to the patience of his waiting father. The prodigal son will definitely return, unless, of course, the anxious parent panics and thereby delays the process of his development. For me, the parable of the prodigal son is a parable of a patient parent who helped his youngest son succeed, become a man. Do not forget that there was also an older brother who never defended his independence, and he remained an immature, dependent child.

We must be able to wait out the adolescent stage of development of our children. It is not easy, and impatient parents, as soon as their children reach critical age, begin to shout about the "tragedy of adolescents." In this regard, I considered it necessary to compile a list of the most common ways in which these two opposing camps of people who actually love each other habitually try to manipulate each other. What I bring to your attention below illustrates the everyday conflict between parents and teenagers.

How teenagers manipulate their parents

Tears. When they want something, they whine and whine.

Threats. "I guess I'll quit school." "I'll take it and get married." "I can get into trouble."

Speculation. "If you loved me, you would ..."

Comparison. "Nobody has such short hair." "And Bill's father just took it and bought a Mustang." "Everyone has angora sweaters." "Others are not forced to wash their hands every five minutes." "Everyone goes there."

Blackmail. "I guess I'll get sick." "You know I can always talk too much when I am visiting." "I'll tell Daddy that you're hiding this account from him."

Pitting one parent against the other. "Mom won't let me go to the movies, how is it, pa?" "Ask dad to give me a car, otherwise he refuses me, can you imagine?"

False. "We're going to the library" (but nothing is said about the party five minutes after visiting the library). "I have nothing to do with it." "I didn't take that."

Blues. The depressed state of the adolescent forces the mother to do anything to improve his mood.

How parents manipulate teens

The promise of candy. "Clean up the yard and I'll give you a credit card." "Take out the trash and I'll give you some pocket money." "I have two football tickets. Be smart and we'll see what to do with them."

Threats. "If you don’t give Aunt Agnes a lift, you’ll walk yourself." "I think I should go to school and ask about your progress."

Comparisons. "John isn't allowed as much as you." "Bill is a better student than you." "I like Tom, he's so polite ..."

Disingenuous promises. "Someday you will go to Disneyland." "I'll talk to one person about the flight club." "I will try to have a sweater like that."

Blackmail. "When my father comes home from work, I will tell him everything." "Your teacher won't be very happy if he finds out how little time you devote to your homework."

Disease Control. "If you don't stop right now, I'll have a heart attack!" "Don't make such a noise, or I'm getting a migraine."

Using love. "You wouldn't do that if you loved me a little bit."

Comparing the two lists suggests that teenagers and parents invariably play the same game. Parents, being officially responsible persons, play the role of "tramples", while adolescents play the role of "tramples", being ready to manipulate any available means. A grueling manipulative struggle ensues between them. Further, as adolescents try to slip out of the box in which they are placed by adults, parents feel they must resort to strength play. And in such games, the first rule is that all this is very serious and in fact. The teen also feels that the game has gone big and is determined to "win."

To better understand what is happening, it is important to bear in mind that adolescents view power struggle with their parents as a competition in which the rule is: "I win, you lose." There is no third. Parents for them are rivals or enemies, over whom, by all means, they need to gain the upper hand. Therefore, almost any interaction between generations turns into a fight. There are many examples of this.

Sally is going to school in her jacket, and it's pretty chilly outside this morning. "Put on your coat," says the mother. "This jacket is too light." The girl replies: "I will not wear a coat." To which the mother raises her voice: "I am your mother, and you will do what I say. Put on your coat immediately!" Sally flatly refuses, and the rivals converge in battle.

If the mother wins, the girl will feel humiliated and gloomily go to school, cursing all the adults and making plans to punish the family, and at the same time the school. Perhaps she will put on a coat, but after three houses she will take it off. If the girl wins, the mother remains out of sorts. She can start "nagging" her father, who does not care about her daughter's behavior ... In short, her day will probably turn out badly.

As you can see, the parent in this case is also guided by the rule "I win - you lose". The mother rashly says: "Since I am legally responsible for you, and you are still underage, you will obey me!" A distorted sense of responsibility gives her a sense of omnipotence.

Suppose, however, that the mother has learned to be aware of this play. If she could convince, first herself, and then her daughter, that life does not have to be turned into a struggle, that there is room for friendship, care and cooperation in it, a completely new basis for relationships would arise. If, moreover, it were guided by the principle of synergy, which was described by Abraham Maslow, the game would finally lose its manipulative-competitive nature. The principle of synergy states that by sincerely revealing himself to another, an actualizing person may find that his own aspirations are in some way significant for the latter.

The mother, for example, might remind herself that she and her daughter are not enemies, but friends. And friends live by the rule "you win - I win, you lose - I lose". Based on the fact that we are friends (she would continue to reason), we could assume that our goals and needs have a lot in common. "Can we agree that we both don't want you to get cold?" She asks her daughter. She nods. "And if that's the case, we just have to figure out how to achieve this. You think that you don't need to wear a coat for this. I think it is necessary. Let's see if some other solution to the health problem is possible?"

When asked this way, Sally might suggest, "Okay, how about putting on a sweater under your jacket?" “A wonderful thought,” says the mother.

What happened? Obviously, the rules of the game have changed. Now mother and daughter cooperate on a friendly basis. In a situation of joint problem solving, we first come to a common goal, consider alternative solutions and their consequences, and finally choose one of the solutions. Instead of being enemies, rivals, and manipulators whose main goal is to defeat the other, we can engage in a friendly process of constructive problem solving.

Of course, conflicts will arise between mother and Sally more than once, but their solution will be more successful if it is based on the idea of \u200b\u200bmutual respect. If a mother treated her daughter on an equal footing, she might even allow her to go to school in one jacket, so that she can learn something from the natural consequences of her decision - an unpleasant cold condition. All learning and development involves risk. But of two evils, as you know, choose the lesser. And Sally's cold in this case is undoubtedly a lesser evil than the loss of contact with her mother.

We could all avoid a lot of trouble if we understood what winning and losing really are. Winning and losing are just hypothetical ideas about how to live, and these ideas are false. As Fritz Perls used to say, "when we win, we always lose something, and when we lose, we always win something." And this, in my opinion, is much closer to the true understanding of life.

Many parents consider themselves experts in life for their children, but, unfortunately, the essence of their approach is expressed in the banal "you should". Karen Horney called it "the tyranny of the debts". To be convinced of this, it is enough to listen to the conversation between the parent and the child and count how many times this categorical imperative has been used. However, children also do not shy away from it and skillfully use it. So they are quits.

The alternative to "debtism" is "estism". Instead of striving for perfection, with the inevitably accompanying feeling of our own failure and inferiority, we could try to accept life as it is and strive to develop what it is. Instead of creating hell for our children by setting impossible standards for their behavior, we can grow with them, creatively solving our common problems. Only a growing personality is able to unconditionally accept responsibility for itself.

Let's use another example of parent-teen conflict and see how this theory works.

Jim argues with his father about his homework. He doesn't want to do it now. First, he wants to go to the club for a few hours and play with friends. "Do your homework and then go," says the father. And he adds in a friendly way, "Let's see if our views on your future coincide. I think we both want you to graduate, which means getting your homework done on time, right?" Jim agrees with this, but he still doesn't want to do his homework. "Come on," Jim suggests, "I'll get up early in the morning and I'll do everything." “Okay,” the father agrees, “but let's agree that if you don’t get up, you’ll have to leave the club next month. Obviously, you have to learn from your own experience.”

My father made a concession, and this is much better than a protracted conflict that turns the lives of many families into a nightmare.

In the following example, Mary and her parents cannot agree on her date. She's only thirteen years old, but she really wants to go to the open-air cinema on Friday night with Jack, who is sixteen. Parents do not want her to meet with him alone, and even in the car.

"You won't even let me go to the movies!" - protests Mary, like a real manipulator. But her mother does not support her games and says: "Not true. We do not mind that you go to the movies. We just do not want you to be defenseless in front of your sex drive. So far, you decide to just go on a date. But when you park in the grove, it may be too late. You may lose the ability to decide anything, because your body will be stronger than you. It is important to be able to foresee the possible consequences of your decisions. " “You just don't trust me,” Mary pouts. The father enters the conversation: "No, we just do not trust such situations."

What solutions can there be? The debaters come up with several options: 1) go to a regular movie theater by bus; 2) go where they are going, but the father will be driving; 3) the same, only Jack's parents will be driving; 4) go there with an older couple - her brother and his girlfriend. Mary chooses the latter and, although she complains about some restriction of freedom, she does not consider her parents to be enemies.

Someone might say that the parents in the last example express their feelings and concerns to the child too openly, but honesty is a necessary condition for actualizing behavior.

Relevant parent-teen relationship

The main task of the actualizing parent is to help the adolescent channel his feelings in a constructive direction. He understands that teenage protest is a necessary component of personality development, and the protesting teenager himself believes that the parents to whom his protest is directed understand and love him, despite his behavior. He is afraid to rebel in this way against someone else. Actualizing parents understand that their child is growing and trying to find their place in the adult world. Therefore, it would be unreasonable for them to interfere with him, trying to squeeze into the ready-made adult framework. You need to allow him to develop at his natural pace.

Dorothy Baruch identified three things that parents have a responsibility to provide for their teenage children: understanding, practical information about sex, and helping them become independent.

Understanding without acceptance is impossible. By allowing the adolescent to express his feelings without any fear, the actualizing parent tries to acknowledge his right to be cocky. Most parents view insolence as a threat. Such parents, of course, are not able to understand the feelings of their children, because they have not yet figured out their own. This is why it is important for parents to go to therapy with their teenager. As the parent learns to freely communicate his true feelings to the child, he learns to understand both himself and him.

The actualizing parent realizes that the teenager needs his help to learn how to express his feelings and control his actions. He suggests ways in which you can express these negative feelings in socially acceptable actions: 1) express your resentment; 2) state your negative experiences in writing; 3) to draw, construct or portray them theatrically; 4) go in for sports, for example, play tennis, golf, checkers or chess.

Actualizing parents understand that it is the feelings of the teenager that make him behave in this way. Behind unacceptable actions are negative feelings, the cause of which is not necessarily in the present, but may lie in the child's early childhood. In the latter case, these feelings arise in the adolescent not because of what is happening now, but are associated with his ideas, often fantastic, about what happened once. An important role in the emergence of these fantasies is played by the parental attitude towards the child. So, if he lacked love, trust and closeness in the early stages of his life, it will be difficult for him to feel at home and in adolescence among peers.

Another important task of the actualizing parent is to help the teenager avoid risky behavior. There are two ways to do this. Firstly, parents can anticipate some potentially dangerous interests of the child and provide him with the opportunity to exercise them in a structured environment: hiking, fishing, sports, clubs, hunting. Second, parents accept the teen's negative feelings and discuss them with him. If the parent does not reject his negative feelings, it becomes easier for the teenager to accept them without feeling guilty.

Rest assured, sometimes actualizing parents also express their negative feelings about adolescent behavior. They openly show their anger, and if they later regret the form of expression of the latter, they immediately talk about it. An actualizing parent, confessing his problem in the field of parenting, is not surprised at the adolescent's understanding and recognition. This overthrow of idols paves the way for building rapport between parent and child and for adolescents to respect their parents' feelings.

But actualizing parents are aware that adolescent behavior should still be limited. Youth needs to learn to accept the need for certain customs and traditions. Baruch offered three reasons for the restrictions imposed on the adolescent: 1) they are important for maintaining health and ensuring safety; 2) they are important for the protection of property; 3) they are important because there is law, order and social acceptability.

Up-to-date teenager

Most teenagers are not at all as bad as we try to imagine. Less than two percent of them are breaking the law. Their music, which so annoys adults, is organic and natural for them. So what if it is the opposite of the musical romance of our youth? So after all, life has changed in the direction of this roar and screech. Imperfection and getting rid of illusions are the main themes of our time. The key to understanding the current trend can be found in the words of Bob Dylan: "Only ugly beautiful, boy." The interest of the previous generation in sports, dating and ridiculing the “smart guys” is a thing of the past. The best are now the athletes, the honors, the committee chairmen, the class leaders — all those who crave social prestige. Adolescence is the most difficult period in the struggle for self-actualization. It is surprising that adolescents do not fight for it with even more manipulative means and do not exhibit even more antisocial behavior.

Let us now consider the characteristics of the actualizing adolescent within the three descriptive categories of any actualizing personality: creativity, interpersonal sensitivity, and awareness.

Creativity. An actualizing teenager is a creative rebel. He finds the courage to rebel in healthy ways. His protest is constructive, not destructive or negativistic, and is expressed not in external symbols (unusual hairstyle, clothing, flashy makeup), but in the choice of his own goals and meanings.

Interpersonal sensitivity. He is not only responsive to the feelings of his peers, but also treats his parents with understanding. Therefore, he tries to match his appearance and manner to the situation.

Awareness. Being aimed at entering the world of adults, he wants to get maximum pleasure from today, living it to the fullest. He has a sense of the path traveled and a goal in the future, but he lives here and now. He is like a surfer riding a wave, who enjoys not only the board that carries him along the crest, but also the strength of the waves, gusts of wind, rustle of coastal sand and the sea.

The adolescent, like the rest of us, is a manipulator who seeks to grow into an actualizer. And the main task of parents, as it seems to me, is to get out of the way and let this happen.

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Manipulation is the leverage that a particular person uses to subdue the will of another.

With the help of such levers, the manipulating parent influences his child, instilling distorted information in him. He plays out his scenarios, puts pressure on the child's feelings and instills in him the “correctness” of behavior. As a result, the child does not act in accordance with his soul, ego and character. He betrays himself, because he performs actions dictated by another person.

Psychological manipulations have become so large-scale that, perhaps, one cannot find a family in which, sooner or later, the father or mother would not resort to such a simple and accessible method.

• It's easier to push than to explain.
• It's easier to force than to wait for realization.
• It is easier to inspire than to hope for understanding.

Manipulation is becoming the most common form of communication.

Any psychological manipulation causes in a person, especially in a child, a feeling of fear, shame, worthlessness and guilt.

And most importantly, they begin to believe that they are not good enough, they are not really loved, that they are unhappy with them, that their parents simply tolerate them. It seems to them that mothers are embarrassed for them, when they want to be admired.

Parents use such "pedagogical techniques" when they are simply too lazy to engage in the correct upbringing of a child and they want to have more free personal time.

It's easier to manipulate than to really help understand the situation.

By manipulation, parents provide themselves with imaginary authority, hide poor parenting skills, and ensure their peace, while replacing life with play.

And this is not a game “What? Where? When? ”, And a cheap standard scenario for weak-willed, stupid and frustrated people

Manipulation is always a game in which there are no adults and sane people, but only children.

Parents who have not grown up, like children a little older than their own, put pressure on the weaker ones with their authority and force them to obey against their true desires. For some time, parents manage to imperceptibly replace upbringing with manipulations, but as the children grow up, they will receive in full, and they will respond in kind.

Bullying and suspicion

Parents do not actually take care of the child, but from time to time they pretend to keep the situation on the pulse.

• "You have done your homework? What if I check? "
• “Probably, it's time to go to school, for sure the class teacher has something to tell about you.”

After that, no one checks the lessons, does not go to school, but the child is frightened and begins to correct something.

For the time being, for the time being, it is still possible to keep the child in the grip of fear, but soon he will be convinced that the parents simply do not have time for him, and there will be nothing but empty conversations.

Usually, by adolescence, such a child already perfectly masters this technique, and begins to mirror it to his parents. They start to scare their parents, knowing they won't do anything like that. For example: “I’ll leave the house if you…”, - or in general: “I will throw myself out of the window if…”

Usually such parents have one child, which was given hard and late. All life revolves around him, and manipulation becomes a reliable tool for growing a completely dependent personality out of his child.

Parents need the child to be dependent on them always and constantly. Slowly, step by step, they prove to him that the world is filled with difficulties, dangers and terrible situations.

Parents cannot breathe for their long-awaited miracle. Protect him from the smallest breeze, blind rain and leaf fall. They take him by the hand to school until prom, do homework with him, spoon-feed only wholesome food and control every step. Be friends with that, but not with this. Go here, but don't you dare there. Look at this, play this, but forget about this area. And so in everything.

As a result, such a child develops a clear conviction that the whole world is filled with different dangers: viruses, maniacs, rabid dogs and poisoned products. Bad potential situations creep out of every crack, and only parents, like deities, can cover up all these troubles. This is exactly what parents seek, and this behavior can be both conscious and subconscious.

This approach entails a colossal waste of time, great effort and diligence.

The result is one - the manipulation of the parents teaches the child to completely hide behind the parents' backs, and not even try to solve minor problems on their own.

After all, an independent and self-sufficient child will not need parental care so much. He will live his own life, thereby starting to separate from them from an early age.

If he starts to resist, then the parents will immediately put pressure on the “corn”, they say, “we did so much for you, and you…”.

For example: “How can you quit ballroom school when I bought so many dresses for you, took you to competitions at the expense of my time?” Among parents with overprotection, single mothers are more common. In their life there is only a child, as her property and the meaning of life. Taking a child away from her means taking her life. And the first-born himself can "take away" - come out under them.

Parents are perfect

Perfection in everything - Children born in such a family cannot be envied. From an early age, they seem to fall short of the level, and dishonor their ideal parents. For as long as he can remember, such a child hears: “Dad and I are medalists, and you are good,” “Everyone has a good hearing, but a bear has stepped in your ear,” “Dad is the best hockey player, and you don’t know how to hold a stick in your hands”, “ grandfather would be ashamed of you if he lived to see this shame. "

As a result, perfectionist parents hammer into their child's head that they have an ideal family besides him. And he, in turn, makes every effort to reach the heights that are canon in the family.

He becomes both a hockey player, and a chorus player, and a medalist, in a word - anyone, just not himself.

Such parents cannot be blamed for dislike or indifference to children because:

• They really try in all directions.
• They literally from birth take care of the physical, psycho-emotional and intellectual development of the child.
• They enroll him in all kinds of circles, hire tutors, take him to the other end of the city to the best school, in a word, they develop him comprehensively.

In return, he simply has to become the best everywhere and complement the family with a diamond of his brilliance. And the manipulation is simple. For every success of the child, the parents retort that he could do better, faster and bigger. Parents press and press, thinking that they are cutting talent. And the child feels that he is a freak in the family. It seems to him that he is loved only for medals and certificates. Thinks love needs to be earned.

If the child is a follower, then in adulthood he will look for a tyrant. If a presenter is born in such a family, then he will quickly see through the manipulation of his parents, and will begin to do the opposite: he will pick up twos, quit hockey and become a bard.

Parents are always "sick" people

Grabbing a heart, dripping valerian, applying a wet towel to your forehead is a scene from a cheap parental theater. Exclamations like:

• “You want to take me to the grave”;
• "You want to bring to a heart attack";
• "When I die, you won't come to the grave either."

Or drip on the brain with phrases:

• “Don't stay late, or if it takes my heart, then I won't be able to call an ambulance”;
• “Another deuce, and I will have another heart attack,” and so on.

Some parents play such performances so often that children stop reacting to it. And God forbid that such a mother really grabbed her heart, and help from the child did not follow.

In every family there is such an offended person on which everyone is afraid to carry water. Remember in the cartoon "Win the Pooh" donkey Eeyore? He was always dissatisfied with everything, only then he found the strength to rejoice at the honey jug, the burst ball and his tail. Until then, he mumbled and mumbled.

Such people seem submissive, they humbly accept the hardships of life and mumble, mumble and mumble:

• “Well, what can I do, how long I have left to live there”;
• “I already had everything, now you can just while away life”;
• "Nothing, I have never been to the sea, so I may not go."

Such a manipulator causes guilt in the lucky and merry fellows:

• “Have fun, and I will cry”;
• “You go, and I'll give myself an injection”;
• "Do not think about me, this is a trifle, enjoy life, and I somehow myself."

They usually accompany all their phrases with facial expressions and mise-en-scènes: drooping shoulders, a dull look, a quiet voice.

The manipulator masters the technique of "suffering" perfectly and successfully terrorizes the whole family, especially children.

Children's manipulations and the reasons for their occurrence. The article will talk about how to block such a phenomenon without harming the psychological state of the child.

The content of the article:

Child manipulation is a factor that is quite common among the younger generation. Little rebels and provocateurs often try to play on the feelings of their parents, which subsequently brings many problems to both sides. It is necessary to find out for yourself the reason for this phenomenon, as well as to understand the possibility of correcting this factor.

Reasons for the development of child manipulation

Always and in everything it is necessary to look for the reason before starting the struggle with the unknown. Experts recommend paying attention to the following reasons that make the behavior of children in relation to their parents inappropriate:

• Lack of attention... Any person likes the care and attention of loved ones, if it is not about natural-born phlegmatic people with a tendency to solitude. If the child does not see interest in his personality, then he begins to manipulate adults. At best, he simply exaggerates his problems in conversation with his parents, but everything can end in a more deplorable result in the form of a threat of suicide and its further commission.
• The prevailing stereotype... It all starts with commonplace things when mom asks to eat a spoonful of porridge for dad. Consequently, a peculiar model of baby's behavior is formed, in which he does what his parents want exclusively through a certain factor - a stimulant. Without this, the future manipulator will simply refuse to perform the following actions, to which his father and mother are pushing him.
• Child with neuroses... Not all children constantly obey their parents and at the same time smile radiantly. This is most likely an exception to the rule, rather than a confirmation. The feeling of abandonment, anxiety for any reason can develop in a child such a phenomenon as childish manipulation. In this case, a small victim of circumstances is ready to do anything to attract the attention of people close to him. The unformed psyche of a child with neurosis is able to work miracles with his behavior, but at the same time everything that happens carries an extremely negative potential.
• Adult pressure... Mozart, who began his musical career at a very young age, can move parents to the same orientation in relation to their child. If their beloved child in some way does not cope with the burden placed on him, then they violently react to this in a very negative way. The child begins to be so afraid of punishment for the inability to be perfect that he simply begins to manipulate his parents with invented diseases and ailments.
• Imitation of adults... Very often, children adopt the behavior model of their parents, which is far from ideal. Sometimes adults set conditions for their child in the form of consent to purchase something for him or by allowing something in exchange for obedience. This is reminiscent of the blackmail that an immature little person takes literally, seeing this in the relationship between dad and mom. Consequently, the child clearly learns the taught lesson from the parents and then begins to manipulate them.
• Support for grandparents... It's no secret that a little provocateur begins to play with the feelings of his parents, relying on the approval of the older generation of the family. At the same time, compassionate grandmothers and grandfathers blame their children for their cruel, in their opinion, attitude towards their adored grandchildren. The child, observing the created situation, begins to understand how to get the maximum benefit from what is happening.

The voiced reasons for manipulating the little tyrant make adults think about the legality of their actions in relation to raising a child. However, you should not follow the lead of childish aggression, because a callous person with claims to the whole world can grow out of an adorable baby in the future.

The main forms of child manipulation

In some cases, it is important to understand for yourself when a child is engaged in outright blackmail, and when his actions are of a completely different nature. Psychologists see child manipulation by parents as follows:

1. Asking another family member... In this case, the child, in case of refusal, turns to the adult who will fulfill any of his wishes. The scheme is worked out clearly and never fails, because there is a game of good and bad cop.
2. Injection to emotions... Children easily figure out many of our actions, which are often cyclical. They can start manipulating when the parent, after an outburst of anger (often very reasonable), gives the offended child candy. Time after time, the little sly guy uses this situation, knowing about revenge after being punished in the form of the pleasures of life received.
3. Poaching... We are all not without sin, which the manipulator child plays quite effectively. Having found a weak point in his parents, he presents valuable information to those who will not like this behavior of a family member. After a scandal has arisen, children get what they want for the information provided, which very soon becomes a habit.
4. Blackmail... After sneaking, the child can resort to the sounded method of manipulation. The most desirable phrase for him will be a request to dad-mom (the list is endless) not to talk about the action performed. Children quickly adapt in this case, taking advantage of the spinelessness of adults.
5. Manipulation of life situation... Very often this applies to adoptive parents or a new family member. The little usurper is firm in his position that his own father or mother would not have done this in relation to him. We can say that this technique is reliable if adults are afraid of losing the trust of their beloved child.
6. Intimidation method... Some children try to achieve what they want in the most incredible ways. They manipulate their parents by giving them ultimatums for any reason. On refusal, a child with such a model of behavior is hysterical and aggressive. To some extent, this resembles a kind of revenge on the part of manipulative children, to which parents sometimes do not know how to react.
7. The extortion method... Nobody likes to look ridiculous in front of a large number of people, which is a natural human reaction to an uncomfortable situation. The little manipulator realizes this pretty quickly, throwing tantrums in public places in order to get what he wants. Some parents find it easier to buy a toy or candy they like for their child than to experience an unpleasant public scene.

Note! In all these cases, the young provocateur is not an inveterate manipulator. Claims should be made rather to adults who are looking for easy ways when raising their offspring. Not wanting a conflict situation, they follow the whims of their children, endangering their future.

Methods for dealing with child manipulation

Children-manipulators are, first of all, the problem of parents who allow such actions on the part of little aggressors. However, all patience comes to an end, so experts have developed recommendations on how to resist childish manipulations.

Parents are parents, so it is often difficult for them not to yield to their beloved child. When they begin to understand that everything has gone too far, and the child has become uncontrollable, it is worth taking the following actions:

• Ignoring provocations... In this case, we are not talking about complete indifference to your little blackmailer, but about a sound approach to the problem that has arisen. It is necessary to react to hysterics in cold blood, without falling into retaliatory aggression. A calm parent is an emotionally healthy child, which has been proven not only by psychology, but also by the life experience of many people.
• Personal example... It is difficult to bring up some qualities in a child, if at the same time they are violated by the adults themselves. It is necessary to clearly show the children what is good and what is bad. Without this, all attempts to get rid of manipulation by the little usurper will end in complete failure.
• Refusal to compare... You cannot expect adequate actions from a child if he is constantly compared with someone in a negative way. Maybe a neighbor's boy or girl behaves perfectly in public, but it's not a fact that their parents have no problems with them in the family circle. Such systematic humiliation can cause childish manipulation as a factor in self-defense and the search for love of loved ones.
• Suppression of hysterics... In this case, the child will be capricious for a maximum of five minutes, because his unformed personality will not withstand the wise arguments of adults. The child wants to go for a walk, and it is raining outside, which does not seem to him a good reason to refuse fun leisure. Adults should be strict in this case, because once they succumb to a stupid whim, they will regret it for life.
• ... A little prankster can skillfully manipulate his grandparents, talking about his exclusivity and oppression from his parents. Many elderly people actively respond to these sentimental stories, while pitying their provocateur grandson. Consequently, the whole family needs to sit down at a kind of negotiating table in order to solve the problem that has arisen with the double standards of raising a child.
• Rejecting lies... Very often we ask ourselves what are children's manipulations and how to deal with them. At the same time, crafts and homework are done for the child, which is argued by a courageous act and a manifestation of parental care. The result is always deplorable, because the young tomboy turns in the future into a cold-blooded manipulator of his parents.

People who are involved in the upbringing and education of the younger generation should be most careful in their actions. Therefore, they must adhere to these golden rules in the case of child manipulation:

1. Excerpt... A teacher is a vocation, not a profession. Therefore, it is necessary to wisely assess the conflict that has arisen. A negligent pupil may flatly refuse to carry out the task or the assignment assigned to him. In this case, it is necessary to keep yourself in hand so that the outbreak of aggression does not aggravate the situation. Children's manipulation can quickly pass if the teacher shows composure and restraint.
2. Analysis of the ward's requirements... The child does not always want the unreasonable, so you should understand the causes of the problem. There is a real possibility that the manipulation of children is an elementary hidden protest against the oppression of their rights. The problem must be solved at the root, so that the child's whim does not develop into outright aggression towards everyone around.
3. Encouragement... The little troublemaker may be surprised by the teacher's unusual demeanor. By forbidding one thing, a wise person who has been entrusted with raising children can permit another. At the same time, the young manipulator switches his attention to another object, thereby automatically ending the incipient conflict.

Rules for the prevention of child manipulation

Any misfortune can, if desired, be prevented when it comes to raising children. At the same time, psychologists advise parents to resort to such measures to prevent manipulation by their sons and daughters:

• Justification of the ban... Not a single child wants to be rowdy if he knows in advance about the illogicality of his actions. Adults should clearly identify the limitations of some actions, while explaining everything to children calmly and easily.
• Balance of prohibitions and permissions... The younger generation clearly understands when their rights are violated. You cannot allow literally everything to your offspring, but even without well-deserved encouragement, there is a risk of manipulation of the child by the parents.
• Defining responsibilities... A small family member should clearly know what he should do. By example, parents will show that what is requested is the norm for everyone who lives in the house.
• ... Nobody will have time to make insidious plans about their parents if they spend their free time with him. Very often, manipulation is the silent cry of a child who gets the attention of people close to him.
• Consistency in requirements... If adults purposefully say that this cannot be done, then the child may lose interest in getting what he wants. This method works if you make a clear system out of it.

How to deal with child manipulation - watch the video:

Child manipulation is an alarm signal for both parents and teachers who are faced with this problem due to their professional activities. It is very dangerous to turn a blind eye to what is happening, because children grow up, and then it will be too late to fix something. A funny kid can become an experienced manipulator in the future, which will negatively affect his future destiny.