My husband is a loser. My Husband Is A Loser What Men Are A Loser Feel And Think

We have been living with my husband for five years. The son is growing - 4 years old. Money problems appeared a long time ago, when I was on maternity leave.

” - Suddenly I realized that my husband could not give me the elementary - even the opportunity to give birth to a second child - with the first one they barely pulled out for his salary.

I went to work when the boy was 1.5 years old. I suffered terribly, the child roared, it took a long time to get used to the kindergarten. She came to work and roared herself because her son was crying in the garden. Then I got tired of everything. I quit my job and found a better paid one. She began to communicate with rich men. I see them spinning and spinning to earn money for the family. And mine goes to his work - and does not see the white light, and no progress. Disappointed in him as a breadwinner. He does not strive for anything, he comes after work and plays in tanks on the computer.

” And recently at work, a handsome man began to show me signs of attention. He is in a civil marriage, two children, and I am so tired of everyday life, of a loser husband. And I am terribly tormented that it is my own fault.

I gnaw myself every day that I am to blame for everything. And the man is more and more like it. And I understand that everything is wrong, and so the soul is disgusting and disgusting ...

At first glance, everything seems to be logical and understandable: there is a family with a small child and, apparently, with a very low income. She has a husband who earns little and does not seek to earn more, moreover, turns a blind eye to the tense atmosphere in the family, infantilely escapes from family troubles and, probably, from the relationship itself into virtual reality. And there is a wife who is not satisfied in her needs, in feeling like a protected mother, and indeed a woman who has undertaken to earn money for the family herself. In such a situation, her feelings and sympathy for other, wealthier men are quite understandable.

But there are a couple of points, and very significant ones, that make the whole picture not so unambiguous. The first point: this is an admission that you are disappointed in your husband, as a breadwinner.

” To be disappointed, you must first be charmed, or in other words - deceived. And this is possible only when there is no sober look at a person and there is a desire to be deceived, to take wishful thinking. From such charms, the image of a partner is formed, and often they marry just for the image, and not for the one who actually is.

And the consequences are sobering up and, naturally, disappointment. Since there was no such clarity and awareness at the beginning of the relationship, then, apparently, there was a normal understanding of their share of responsibility for the existing alliance with this particular person.

The second point is the last four sentences of the letter. Feelings of guilt, growing, consuming. From what? Maybe because of an irrational bias that “I got married, so once, albeit unsuccessfully,” or maybe because of a completely rational “I'm getting ready to cheat my husband”? There is a hint: it's all to blame, right in everything that happens. Something global. And translated into understandable - for everything that I feel now. And an additional indestructible argument in favor of the fallacy of what I intended - the last sentence of the letter. Aversion to your intentions and your behavior is absolutely reliable information that you are doing something contrary to your own soul.

” It seems that for you what they started is a betrayal, and not a way out of a dungeon. Relationship with your husband is more valuable to you than it seems, as well as the husband himself, under all the circumstances described.

And your responsibility for the situation may well consist in remaining a woman with this man, and not becoming a breadwinner instead of a husband. And the challenge for you is a serious, difficult, multifaceted, affecting not only the financial aspect of relations, but all others. If you accept him, I suppose, they will let go of guilt and disgust, and a woman will begin to appear in your face next to your husband, whom he will feel differently and may well begin to change himself. And you still have chances of marital happiness with this man. But this is only in a nutshell, in order to outline the prospects, but in general both have a lot of work to do. I understand that formally it is easier to leave and in some cases it would be a way out, but not for you. At least not now, while you still don't know how your husband will react to you.

on the forum ("related" topic)

That's it. It is not clear what you are arguing with)
I wonder if they were not married at the time of their acquaintance, then what were these "good housewives" living on? And how did you meet a successful man? In line at Pyaterochka?
Tales about Cinderella and the Prince are probably possible in life, but very rarely. If a girl is 25 years old, then youth and beauty are on her side, even if she does not work. But if a woman is 40 and she alone pulls children and everyday life on a small salary, without having the opportunity to care for herself, regular sports and beautiful hobbies, then I sooo doubt that she will give a head start to the young.

A good housewife is not equal to a housewife supported by her husband. I'm talking about the type of woman. Ordinary such women, with age-appropriate looks. With an average job and older children.
The tale of Cinderella has nothing to do with thuja.
We met - 2 through acquaintances, one - a former classmate. atakli
Your situation is different. The concentration of life dramas per square person is too great.
IMHO most of the people in this situation would have moved out of the gull or suicidal. I put myself in the same pile, because when I was less healthy, I was on the brink for 3 years.

So in my life examples you pass the classes "extreme survival" and "titan of the spirit"

All the gloomy examples I have written in the subject before are banal plums, likely Annochka
Thank. Chiara10
The social class is wage earners. Mostly educated, I talked less with others. Examples I have seen in my entire life, that is, women of different ages.

Well, more examples with eva and 7ya. Regularly

Well, I for sure) and I don’t want .. much nicer

Quote:

live life with a twinkle and without a driver

Freya
a rare woman in one helmet will pull more than 1 child

Added after 5 minutes 15 seconds:

Chiara10
I'm from black pessimists
among divorces
the status is very different. there are wives of deputies, and their own business, when an income of 200+ is an unlucky month. YOUR income
but men dump when children appear
no, they did not fall into poverty. but to plow for yourself and for your husband, instead of "just a mother" - is still below average pleasure
Well, you can't discount treason

And as "average type", when she has a salary of 20, he has - 35 - tons of examples

Added after 1 minute 26 seconds:

Believers in lawn bunnies in real life, I personally only met marginal women. by type "GOOD PEOPLE WILL FEED AND Dressed"
and shut up. she herself. kind people dress. Annochka
Please tell me the people from your examples - who are they? What social stratum, different? Are these your close acquaintances, or do you come across something similar at work? I ask because your statistics are too black, simply hopeless. I'm probably one of those unreasonable fool-optimists. There is no such thing around me. But this does not mean that there are no such situations, there are, of course, many, given the statistics of non-payers of alimony. I would like to somehow analyze these cases. Well, somehow I don't believe in the complete spontaneity of asshole. There was a bunny husband, and then bam, and m ... duck!

Women also anneal, intelligent, but impractical or something so childish that they believe in bunnies and lawns. And they cannot (and most importantly do not want) to predict HOW exactly they will live with a bunch of children and this very existing husband. Who seems to earn very much even nothing, but there is not enough money in any way, then there are a lot of mouths, a mortgage, and both parents are slightly out of this world, they cannot count money. It can be different. Medyanka
And I have met such men who marry and provide for their wife completely herself.
I have a friend who is the same age as me. (I'm 34). At the age of 27 she wanted to get married. And she liked a relative of my first husband. He was (and I hope so) with a good position, a salary, a decent car and an apartment. True to the mortgage.
In short, I did not really approve of their whirlwind romance.
Because I heard him talk about partnership with his wife. He was looking for a wife and really wanted a child. He was somewhere 33.
They merried. She quickly became pregnant. She gave birth. I divorced my first husband and did not communicate with her for a long time. All of them were not pleasant to me. Pathologically greedy men in their family.
And then she wrote to me. My hair stood on end when she told me her life.
Before the decree, she made good money. But she lived with her mother and brother in a one-room apartment. They left their hometown. She was saving up for a mortgage installment. And when she got married, she gave the money to her husband. She is not a stupid girl, but he is a lawyer and she herself is shocked that she trusted him. Further more, he hid her maternity leave in the safe. I bought the products myself. That they did not eat with the child. I asked for soap.
He is a non-drinker, non-smoking careerist. I called them dependents.
She filed for child support in marriage. And then for divorce. It was not an option to go with the child to my mother and brother. So, on account of the alimony, he allowed her to live in his apartment. In general, not a penny per child.
Her mom died of cancer. I was very worried about my daughter. The friend returned to her apartment. My brother took out a mortgage, unlearned. And she is still suing for her money that she invested in his mortgage.
And the hubby flutters, changes cars and smiles.

Added after 11 minutes 52 seconds

A loser husband is a heavy burden: living with him is hard, but leaving is sometimes even harder. Continue helping him or helping yourself? Stay or leave? Does the man have a desire to get away from his status as a loser, or does he like to be “unfairly offended” by everyone?

The word "loser" is biased in nature. Someone will say that a loser husband is one who did not succeed as a professional. Others will answer that a loser is one who does nothing, a bum and a bum. A loser is someone who cannot fulfill all the dreams of his wife.

Faced with Russian reality, you understand that in our country losers are characterized from a material point of view. Failure in the material sphere of life is equated in meaning with the term "loser". Financial success is a kind of indicator that a person has a desire, a need to make his life better. Financial success is an indicator that a person is able to cope with life's difficulties. An immature man, unable to take responsibility for his actions, interferes not only with the implementation of his own plans, he is also a brake for the rest of the family. A woman does not feel confident next to such a man, children are restless.

Psychologist's opinion: “The term“ loser ”is often characterized either from the point of view of the impossibility of realizing one's abilities or from the point of view of a person's personality characteristics. If we are dealing with the first possible component, then in this case a significant number of labels are glued to this person, talking about his inability, impossibility to do anything. As a result, we see the emergence of strong complexes. A person ceases to strive for anything and simply goes with the flow. For example, instead of listening to the voice of the heart and developing his abilities, the young man gives in to the opinion of the family and continues to work on some kind of family business. He lives according to someone else's life scenario and it is not surprising that in the end he does not succeed.

If we are dealing with the second case, then the “loser” in this case is a kind of personality characteristic. We say that you can be a failure from birth, or you can become one under the influence of circumstances. A person cannot cope with the weight of the load on his shoulders and "breaks down". After such a "breakdown", a person is in a state of emptiness and begins to believe that he is a failure. It happens that people live in this state for a very long time and even manage to unconsciously extract subjective benefit from this state. After all, if a person recognizes himself as a failure, it means that his responsibility for what is happening decreases. Like, what to take from a loser. It is much easier to shift a significant share of the problems onto someone else, let the other be to blame for all the troubles. In family life, the spouse becomes this “different”.

Calculating the loser

All women are reformers at heart. Each is 100% sure that she can change the man she likes. Even if everyone around tells the woman that this man is not the best choice, that he has always been a failure, she does not notice the shortcomings. Instead of listening to those people who have known her chosen one for a long time, instead of taking a closer look at him herself, the woman closes her eyes to all, being sure that everything will be different in her hands. This is a peculiar trait characteristic of most women. It is as if they need to overcome obstacles and face new troubles. Sometimes this way of life becomes habitual and some events that give such a feeling of overcoming are repeated with enviable constancy over and over again.

Psychologist's opinion: “Naturally, if a woman married a so-called“ loser, ”then 50% of the responsibility for this event falls on her shoulders. Indeed, in a relationship of two, only one person cannot be guilty. There are always at least two views on what happened. If a woman at one time did not notice that her partner does not have talent or does not have the qualities that are necessary to realize this talent, then she herself is to blame for this. In such a situation, there is no point in trying to blame the spouse for everything, it will not help you or him in any way. "

On the way to success

What needs to be done when faced with the situations described above depends on where the problems of the person called the loser lie at.

1. If we are dealing with a situation in which your spouse is doing what he never liked, then this imposes additional obligations on others. An important moment will be the moment of admitting that a mistake was made in due time. However, one can hope that the error was not fatal and that we can try to fix it. In this case, the task of those who surrounds a person is to support and develop a man's potential, to direct his attention to those areas of activity that allow him to realize himself and feel successful. In this case, you should not, again, impose your point of view on a man. Give him more freedom, let the man take the lead.

It is possible that a woman will have to be patient, because the process of self-development in an adult cannot proceed quickly. In fact, at this stage, a man, in a sense, begins to live from scratch. So be patient and let it unfold.

Psychologist's opinion: “At the stage of self-determination, when it is still difficult to understand yourself on your own, you can seek advice from a specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist. It is important to develop the ability to reflect, i.e. introspection, introspection. The first thing a man will need to do to stop feeling like a failure is to realize and take responsibility for the events of his life. It is necessary to understand that any external obstacles are only part of the picture. Often a person unconsciously interferes with himself. At this stage of corrective work, loved ones need to limit their intervention, because it happens that it is they who do not allow the situation to develop in a different way, unconsciously pull it into its usual course. "

2. If a man is a failure because he is lazy, then the first thing that needs to be done is to acknowledge this fact. Strong support will be needed from relatives and friends at this stage. It is very important for a wife to inspire her husband to do this or that business. It is necessary to find the kind of activity in which a man can realize himself and begin to feel more confident.

Most importantly, no extremes are needed. Nobody will burn to guarantee you the result, even if you are ready to take a parental position in relation to your spouse. Do not live in a world of illusions, do not assure yourself 100% that such an intervention of yours will definitely change the current situation. Unfortunately, this is not always enough. If you love and believe in this man, then be sure to try to do something. Otherwise, the thought "what would have happened if ..." will forever sit in your mind. However, you need to understand that such a position in relation to the spouse cannot be permanent. This threatens to seriously disrupt the balance between "take" and "give". It is necessary to understand whether these parameters are equivalent in your life together.

It happens that a woman in a similar situation embodies her unrealized maternal instinct. For a while, this state of affairs will bring a sense of balance and harmony into her life. However, over time this will not be enough, and then the spouse will most likely hear quite typical words: "I spent my best years on you, a loser."

What is necessary in order not to lead to such a situation? Stop for a while, look inside yourself and perhaps you will feel that the time has come to stop living someone else's life. If you do not want to divorce your spouse, then explain to yourself why you are staying with him, what it gives you.

Don't go in circles

Family life is increasingly reminiscent of working in a large company, where the race for leadership continues. The wife stops asking her husband for help. If he constantly says that he is busy or that he will do everything a little later. In fact, a woman stops waiting for the result, because she stops believing.

Psychologist's opinion: “It's hard to say what needs to be done in this case. Perhaps the desire to go to the conflict will pay off. The conflict, at least, will allow you to express your feelings in relation to what is happening. If you keep silent and swallow the insult all the time, then at some point either the "explosion" becomes inevitable and catastrophic, or the man begins to think that everything suits you. "

It is very important not to forget that a man must remain a man. He must be the head of the family. It is important for a man to understand that he must take the initiative and, naturally, will be responsible for his actions. Don't be afraid to criticize your spouse. Moderate criticism will be the basis for making changes in your behavior and in your life.

The main thing in the family is not to confuse who plays what role. A man should be proactive and active, a woman should be patient and responsible. A harmonious combination of these qualities gives a harmonious result.

Let's move on to the recommendations
Be a team
Be gentle with male self-esteem: male infantility is often associated with low self-esteem
Let your spouse feel important
Let the man solve his own and family problems on his own
Don't forget about yourself and don't sacrifice your dreams
If the relationship is at an impasse, your husband is happy with everything, although everyone, including you, considers him a loser, then perhaps it's time to take the next step and admit that you were wrong with the choice of your spouse.

by The Wild Mistress's Notes

"My husband is a loser!" - my old friend complained to me with a tear in her voice. To be honest, I was dumbfounded. Wow, loser! A career soldier with a salary that I don't even want to think about - the toad will strangle him. A completely secure and planned life. If this is a loser, then what do the “lucky ones” look like?

It turned out that my friend had her own criteria for this concept. Her husband has a kind and flexible character. He feels other people very well (which is nonsense for a man), and therefore can understand and sympathize. This is probably why he is always attentive and caring to people, he does not go into conflicts, and he will definitely not gnaw his rivals' throats. In my understanding, this quality is extremely conducive to a happy family life. But, apparently, such is the fate of such guys that they are taken apart by those women who are always and everything is not enough.

What kind of losers are there?

The girlfriend intrigued me to the extreme. I asked directly - what is his failure expressed? It turned out that his gentle nature hinders career growth. And since she and her husband were stuck in a distant garrison in the rural outback, she, of course, could not be satisfied with this state of affairs. And the spouse cannot muster the courage to ask for a transfer, he cannot muster the courage and demand a promotion. Apparently, it would be better if her husband was an everyday boor, able to walk over their heads. I understand that this is the criterion of a successful person "

It sounds lousy, which means it's not so simple. Losers are different. You cannot consider a kind, good person a failure. I would like there to be more such people in my environment.

There are those who do not have enough skill to bring what they started to the end. Usually, this type of losers always has a dozen or two great ideas on their list that are guaranteed to make a ton of money. But in practice, these ideas do not bring money, but, on the contrary, take away from the family budget.

And there are losers who are generally simply indifferent to everything except the usual everyday delights such as football and beer. In my understanding, these are not losers, but men who deliberately refuse to set any life tasks.

How do you recognize a loser?

The fact that your husband is a loser is usually revealed after the wedding. We will not talk about the wedding with the oligarch. By the way, I have met many failing businessmen in my life, so if your fiance has his own company, this does not mean that marrying him is a great idea. Instead of money, you can get your husband's debts.

But if things are so complicated, is it possible to recognize a potential loser before marriage? Alas, this is difficult, especially if you are young, green, and your whole life is just beginning. Mature marriages are usually less flawed. But there are still some signs.

The most important of them, which manifests itself from early youth, is the habit of judging people. A person with such a habit sees only the shortcomings of close (and not so) people. He constantly talks about it, constantly exposes, reproaches, reads sermons.

To be continued…

A loser husband is like a suitcase without a handle: it's hard to carry, and it's a pity to throw it away. Save or be saved? Support or leave? Is the man determined to get rid of the "bad" mark himself, or is it beneficial for him to remain in the ranks of the "humiliated and insulted"? The author of "Lady Mail.Ru" deals with Natalia Panfilova, a psychologist at the "Happy Family" center.

What's unlucky

Loser is largely subjective. For some, a loser husband is a failed genius: in his youth he showed brilliant hope, but ruined his talent. For others, he is a lazy person with many years of experience, who, according to his wife, cannot reach those heights that would be pleasant to her. She practically married a general, assuming that this lieutenant would make a dizzying career not today or tomorrow, but he did not really need it or he could not.

In Russian realities, we often characterize men in terms of material wealth: when the social bar is raised high, financial insolvency becomes the main equivalent of a loser. This is not surprising, material wealth speaks about the desire to improve life, about the ability to overcome life's difficulties. An irresponsible infantile man who is pessimistic about life, avoids decision-making and creates obstacles for himself to make a breakthrough, is hardly able to provide a reliable rear for the family.

Psychologist's comment: “The concept of“ loser ”is usually considered in the categories of underrealization and characteristics of the person himself, his character. In the first case, he is labeled as a "loser" with many complexes, but he simply lives according to his abilities. For example, the family once did not accept his talent, but demanded the continuation of ancestral traditions, a person obediently tried to fulfill a scenario alien to him. And while he was not on his way, he did little.

In the second, “loser” is a way of thinking, a state of mind, those whom we call losers from birth or those who became them under the influence of circumstances broke down. The person himself diligently cultivates the syndrome of a loser, living according to the principle "I have nothing, I want nothing." For many, this becomes an advantageous position. Assessing yourself as unsuccessful (“what do you want from me, I’m a failure”) removes responsibility from the person and shifts it to external or temporary circumstances, you can blame everyone and everything for all your failures.

How to spot a loser

Women have a huge reformatory spirit, they are confident that they can change a man. A typical mistake is to stop at what you like and close your eyes to the rest. Instead, it is important to be more attentive and study the character of the chosen one, to listen to the opinions of other people who have known him for a long time, for example, classmates, classmates. Those who can say, "This guy is a loser, he always was like this" or "He always had it." The tendency to overcome difficulties or, conversely, to attract trouble is formed over time. If some habits have always been inherent, then they will have to face again.

Psychologist's comment: “Of course, a share of the responsibility for the fact that a woman married a loser falls on her shoulders, in the sense that she did not see those qualities that help a person realize himself, help him become successful. Success depends on both talent and the ability to realize this talent. ».

Way to success

Your actions will depend on the origin of the loser psychology.

1. If the fact is that a person was once imposed on a choice that is not for his good, a huge burden will fall on those who are nearby. It should be admitted that once a mistake was made and now there is an opportunity to correct it yourself. The task of loved ones is to give strength and faith, to support a man in what is important and interesting, to allow him to express himself. A woman can act as an observer, providing maximum freedom, but the initiative must come from the man himself. This is not a quick process, and, of course, it is not easy to see how an adult starts everything from scratch. It will take patience to let this unfold.

Psychologist's comment: “If a man himself goes somewhere else, psychotherapy, internal reflection, meditation would help him to a large extent. The first step to removing the stigma of a failure is to be aware of your own involvement in what is happening in life. The influence from the outside in this case is insignificant. It is much easier for relatives not to interfere with the situation, so that it begins to develop differently. "

2. If a person is being negligent, it is important to first acknowledge it. Serious stimulating support, almost parental, will be required from the close environment. The wife can act as an inspirer, "but try it or do it", together look for areas where the man feels confident, and help to realize himself.

“In any case, without fanaticism, - warns Natalia Panfilova. - A supportive position can work well, but there are no guarantees. By agreeing to such a mission, you do not need to cherish hopes and illusions that you are capable of radically changing the situation. If there is a desire - try, for the sake of love, faith in this man. In many of us, a Decembrist is hidden, to one degree or another ready to endure, to seriously invest in the chosen one in the hope of receiving dividends. But there are dangers in this position. Relationships are kept on a give and take balance. It is important to be aware of what you are investing and what you are getting.

If a woman realizes the maternal instinct in this way, then probably this gives a feeling of harmony in her life, but in the future this will not be enough. The moment will come, and she will say the sacramental: "I put my whole life on you, you are a loser."

At twenty, thirty years old, a woman tends to experiment and seek. Towards the middle of life, one realizes that it is sad to invest in a husband who needs to be put on his feet, without the opportunity to simply enjoy life in the end. It is important to stop in time, to stop living in the interests of others, to push someone somewhere. Divorce is optional, but it is important to understand why you need the “cross” that you are carrying.

Suddenly there is a war, and we are tired

The now popular leader race has migrated from office corridors to family life. Formally, the wife makes requests and is ready to wait: "Dear, do, choose, help." But if the "dear" delays and postpones, you have to do it yourself. That is, in fact, no one expects the result, which in the future becomes a family scenario.

In this article, we'll take a look at 5 types of male losers that girls pass by. Get ready to find out the terrible truth.

We sincerely hope that you are not one of the types of men described below. And if yes, then urgently draw conclusions and quickly change.

Tie up on evening beers, couch and football on TV. Otherwise, you risk being lonely.

Too predictable man

He acts according to a standard pattern, not allowing himself or his partner any tricks, surprises or rash actions. Every day at 19.05 he meets her in the tea room, then they watch a movie together at his house, and at 23.00 they have sex on a schedule. For the holidays, he gives a bouquet of flowers, and they go to mom together. Of course, we are exaggerating. However, you shouldn't be overly predictable with a woman, especially on first dates. Men, free from prejudices, who try to diversify relationships and are capable of feats - that's who impressionable young ladies cry about at night.

Greedy man

He is well versed in finance and economics, adds up his money, does not waste himself on luxury and saves, saves, saves. He knows the prices for each product well, he trades everywhere, and with relish discusses the spender and the simpleton, whom he was able to cheat. Alas, next to such a woman will not feel happy, because he will also save on her. “Why do you need this dress when you already have one to go out?”, “Spend money on flowers? What a wretchedness! "," We cannot afford a vacation at sea, sit in the country ". Not all women are money-seekers, but all prefer generous and magnanimous men.

Passive man

He wants nothing from life, is not addicted to anything, he prefers to stay at home, watch TV and drink beer. Or maybe he is simply very unsociable, society oppresses him, women are not attracted much, he is tired of work, and he is entangled in himself. In any case, a man chooses a passive-sofa position and refuses responsibility, shifting all worries onto her fragile shoulders. "You need to - here and do." “Do you want to fly to Paris? So fly off. " “Is the child in trouble? You do better with him. " As a result, she takes on a male role: protection, confidence, finances, initiative, taking care of children, plans for the future - a woman takes everything into her own hands. And then we ask ourselves: why does she need such a man?

Infantile man

He demands from her constant attention to himself and his needs, literally begs for approval and emotional participation, needs round-the-clock support, encouragement and admiration. Of course, infantile men are very soft and sympathetic by nature, they are sentimental and loyal, they get along well with children. However, they also have a significant drawback - they do not know how to make important decisions, cannot truly defend themselves and defend their rights. Whom does a woman dream of getting? Strong-willed and sexually attractive man. And who does she end up with? An addicted and insecure boy. That is why many ladies are so afraid of male sentimentality.

Arrogant egoist

If he sincerely believes that he is the smartest, most beautiful and talented representative of his kind, then, most likely, very soon he will be left alone. It is unpleasant for anyone to be around a person who constantly compares you to an empty place, proving his superiority and exclusivity in an attempt to assert himself. If a man is fixated only on his desires, loves to talk only about himself, beloved, to teach others wisdom, do not be surprised why women leave him. Why would she be around someone who makes her feel flawed and unworthy?