My man is a loser! or a man always has the potential for growth and development. My husband is a loser. What men feel and think losers

Almost every girl wants to see support and support in a man, a strong shoulder, about which so much has been written. There are, of course, and not quite psychologically balanced girls who are presented with drama and tragedy, but today it’s not about their preferences.

In most cases, a loser can be recognized at the very beginning of a relationship, for this you just need to look at the details and listen to what a person says as he thinks. For me, a loser is that man who is not ready for responsibility, unable to take care of his woman, who is not striving for anything and is not ready to overcome difficulties and develop, maybe someone has a completely different definition about this.

We recognize a loser man

Here are the main points by which you can calculate it:

1. Always blames someone for their problems.Everyone is to blame - the former, parents, boss, president, absolutely everything except himself. Over time, this role will necessarily pass to you. This behavior speaks first of all of the inability to take responsibility, what then to expect from such a person - only accusations.

2. A bunch of negativity. Everything is wrong and not so, why not touch. The coffee is not tasty, the meat is not roasted, the weather is not the same, and accordingly it all affects his mood not for the better.

3. A lot of shortcuts.All the rich - stole, women walking and other nonsense.

4. Attitude to staff.Such people will compensate for their dissatisfaction by coming off to subordinates. Disrespectful attitude towards other people immediately speaks about a person not from the best side, this includes: poking, commanding tone, inappropriate gestures and much more.

5. Passive position. Everything is not so, but at the same time I’m not doing anything, but stupidly blaming.

6. No goals and aspirations, lack of hobbies and a bunch of excuses why so.

7. Calls for self-pity.He begs her in various ways and takes it with pleasure, like a balm for the soul.

8. Self-affirmation at the expense of loved ones.It can easily offend someone who is weaker than him, without noticing and not realizing it.

9. A lot of manipulations in communication. A little that is not his, immediately begins to press and act in various ways.

10. Laziness, passivity and aggressionits main features.

And the stupidest thing here is to start remaking a person, learn to look at things realistically, getting involved in a relationship with a loser, you should not expect that with you he will certainly become another person.

Maria Zelina

P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

The loser husband is like a suitcase without a handle: it’s hard to carry and throw it away. To save or to be saved? To support or to leave? Is the man set up to get rid of the "unsuccessful" rating or is it beneficial for him to remain in the ranks of the "humiliated and offended"? Our author understands together with the psychologist of the Happy Family center Natalya Panfilova.

What is unlucky

The concept of "loser" is largely subjective. For some, this is a failed genius: in his youth he gave brilliant hopes, but he ruined his talent. For others - a lazy dog \u200b\u200bwith many years of experience, which, according to his wife, can not reach those heights that would be pleasant to her. She married almost the general, assuming that this lieutenant would not make a dizzying career today, tomorrow, but he didn’t really need it or didn’t succeed.

In Russian realities, we more often characterize men by material wealth: when the social bar is raised high, financial failure becomes the main equivalent of a loser. This is not surprising, material wealth speaks of the desire to improve life, the ability to overcome life's difficulties. An irresponsible infantile man who is pessimistic about life, avoids making decisions and creates obstacles for himself to breakthrough, is hardly able to provide a reliable rear for the family.

Psychologist Comment: "The concept of" loser "is usually considered in terms of under-realization and features of the person himself, his character. In the first case, it is labeled" loser "with many complexes, and he just lives according to his abilities. For example, the family once did not accept his talent, but demanded the continuation of tribal traditions, a man obediently tried to execute a script that was alien to him, and while he was not following his own path, he did little to succeed.

In the second, the “loser” - the way of thinking, the state of mind, those whom we call losers from birth or those who became them under the influence of circumstances, broke down. The man himself carefully cultivates the syndrome of a loser, living on the principle of "I have nothing, I want nothing." For many, this is becoming a profitable position. Assessing yourself as unsuccessful ("what you want from me, I am a loser") removes responsibility from a person and transfers it to external or temporary circumstances, you can blame everyone and everything for all your failures.

How to calculate a loser

Women have a huge reform spirit, they are sure that they can change a man. A typical mistake is to dwell on what you like, and close your eyes to the rest. Instead, it is important to be more attentive and study the character of the chosen one, to listen to the opinions of other people who have known him for a long time, for example, classmates, classmates. Those who can say: "he was always like that" or "it always was in him." The tendency to overcome difficulties or, conversely, to attract trouble is formed over time. If some habits were always inherent, then they will have to be faced again.

Psychologist Comment: “Of course, the share of responsibility for a woman to marry a loser falls on her shoulders, in the sense that she did not see those qualities that help a person realize himself, help to become successful. Success depends on both talent and from the ability to realize this talent. "

Way to success

Your actions will depend on the origin of the "failure" of your chosen one.

1. If the fact is that a person was once forced upon some choice that is not good for him, a huge burden will fall on those who are nearby. It should be recognized that there was a mistake once and now there is an opportunity to fix it yourself. The task of loved ones is to give strength and faith, to support what is important and interesting to a man, to allow himself to prove himself. A woman can act as an observer, providing maximum freedom, but the initiative should come from the man himself. The process is not fast, and, of course, it is not easy to see how an adult begins everything from scratch. It will take patience to enable this to unfold.

Psychologist Comment: “If a man himself doesn’t go somewhere, psychotherapy, inner reflection, reflection would help him to a large extent. The first step is to remove the stigma of a loser - to realize one’s own participation in what is happening in life. Influence from the outside "It’s insignificant. It’s much easier for the family not to interfere, so that it starts to develop differently."

2. If a person is negligent, for starters it is important to recognize this. Serious stimulating support, almost parental, will be required from the close circle. A wife can act as an inspiration, “but try it or do it”, together look for areas where a man feels confident, and help to be realized.

“In any case, without fanaticism,” warns Natalya Panfilova. “A supportive position can give a good result, but there are no guarantees. By agreeing to such a mission, there is no need to hope and illusion that you can fundamentally turn the tide. If you want, try it, for the sake of love, faith in this man. Many of us have hidden the Decembrist, to one degree or another, ready to endure, seriously invest in the chosen one in the hope of receiving dividends. But there are dangers in this position. Relations are kept on a balance of "give and take." be aware of what you invest and what you get.

If a woman thus implements the maternal instinct, then probably this gives a feeling of harmony in her life, but in the future this will not be enough. The moment will come, and she will say the sacramental: "I have put all my life on you, you are a loser."

At twenty, thirty years old, a woman is inclined to experiment and search. By the middle of life comes the realization that it is sad to invest in a husband who needs to be put on his feet, without the opportunity to end up just enjoying life. It is important to stop in time, stop living by the interests of others, to push someone somewhere. Divorcing is not necessary, but it is important to understand why you need the “cross" that you carry.

Suddenly war, and we are tired

The now popular leadership race from office corridors has migrated to family life. Formally, the wife makes requests and is ready to wait: "Dear, do, choose, help." But if the "dear" pulls and puts off, you have to do it yourself. That is, in fact, no one expects what will become a family scenario in the future.

The loser husband is like a suitcase without a handle: it’s hard to carry and throw it away.

To save or to be saved?

To support or to leave?

Is the man set to get rid of the “unsuccessful” rating himself, or is it beneficial for him to remain in the ranks of “humiliated and offended”?

We will deal with the psychologist Natalia Panfilova.

What is unlucky

The concept of “loser” is largely subjective. For some, this is a failed genius: in his youth he gave brilliant hopes, but he ruined his talent. For others - a lazy dog \u200b\u200bwith many years of experience, which, according to his wife, can not reach those heights that would be pleasant to her. She married practically the general, assuming that this lieutenant would not make a dizzying career today, tomorrow, but he didn’t really need it or didn’t succeed.

In Russian realities, we more often characterize men by material wealth: when the social bar is raised high, financial failure becomes the main equivalent of a loser. This is not surprising, material wealth speaks of the desire to improve life, the ability to overcome life's difficulties. An irresponsible infantile man who is pessimistic about life, avoids making decisions and creates obstacles for himself to breakthrough, is unlikely to provide a reliable rear for the family.

Psychologist Comment: “The concept of“ loser ”is usually considered in terms of under-realization and features of the person himself, his character. In the first case, it has the label "loser" with many complexes, and he just lives as best he can. For example, the family once did not accept his talent, but demanded the continuation of the clan traditions, the man obediently tried to fulfill a script alien to him. And while he was not following his own path, he did little to succeed.

In the second, the “loser” - the way of thinking, the state of mind, those whom we call losers from birth or those who became them under the influence of circumstances, broke down. The man himself diligently cultivates the syndrome of a loser, living according to the principle "I have nothing, I do not want anything." For many, this is becoming a profitable position. Assessing yourself as unsuccessful ("what you want from me, I am a loser") removes responsibility from a person and transfers it to external or temporary circumstances, you can blame everyone and everything for all your failures. "

How to calculate a loser

Women have a huge reform spirit, they are sure that they can change a man. A typical mistake is to dwell on what you like, and close your eyes to the rest. Instead, it is important to be more attentive and study the character of the chosen one, to listen to the opinions of other people who have known him for a long time, for example, classmates, classmates. Those who can say: “he was always like that” or “it always was in him”. The tendency to overcome difficulties or, conversely, to attract trouble is formed over time. If some habits were always inherent, then they will have to be faced again.

Way to success

Your actions will depend on the origin of the "failure" of your chosen one.

Psychologist Comment: “If a man himself goes somewhere in the wrong direction, psychotherapy, internal reflection, and meditation would greatly help him. The first step to removing the stigma of a loser is to realize your own participation in what is happening in life. Influence from the outside is insignificant in this case. It’s much easier for family members not to interfere so that it begins to develop differently. ”

“In any case, without fanaticism, - warns Natalya Panfilova. - A supportive position can give a good result, but there are no guarantees. By agreeing to such a mission, there is no need to harbor hopes and illusions that you are capable of fundamentally turning the tide. If you want, try, for the sake of love, faith in this man. In many of us, the Decembrist is hidden, to one degree or another, ready to endure, seriously invest in the chosen one in the hope of receiving dividends. But there are dangers in this position. Relations are kept on a balance of "give and take." It is important to be aware of what you are investing and what you are getting.

Suddenly war, and we are tired

What is the difference between a successful man who is both in grief and joy, who is both support and support, from a failure? What are the signs of a loser? What is the difference between a man with whom a woman is happy, with whom her eyes burn, and a man with whom a woman is forced to become strong?

What trend I noticed. Here something unpleasant happens in life, some kind of difficulty has arisen, a problem. Sometimes this difficulty and problem is small, and sometimes there is a big, so to say difficult difficulty. Diseases of loved ones or your own, parting, financial difficulties, with serious difficulties, problems with housing. In general, it’s clear what kind of problems a person has.

So the one that is successful, he is initially shocked, he has a hard time, it is difficult to understand and accept what is happening to him. But this period does not last long. And what's next? Then this man, who is successful, pulls himself together, so to speak, and begins to think - but what to do? How to act? What to change, improve, which specialists to find, where to get additional part-time jobs to improve financial circumstances? And after such thinking he takes and begins to do. And does, does, does. Puffs, so to speak. He tries, fights, gets out of where he ended up. And again he thinks and analyzes. Why did you find yourself in such an “ambush” that you need to change yourself, what are his non-working strategies? What was his behavior that provoked all these troubles? And again he does. Does, does, does.

He has no time to whine, he has no time to complain, he has no time to feel sorry for himself. He needs to feed his family, raise his children to his feet, take care of his wife so that her eyes glow with happiness, and so that in the eyes of these same he sees the pride with which she looks at him. That he saw how she admires him, how he respects him and how he values \u200b\u200bhim. And it doesn’t matter that there may or may not be some super wealth, the main thing for his woman is that he is a support, he supports, that he is fighting, moving, trying to fix and change something. And that supports her and their children. Which prevents them all from being disappointed in him.

Why is he doing this? Yes, because once it is different. There is no time for him to whine and feel sorry for himself, he pities his wife and children. He should be an example and support for them. It’s not scary in life with such a man. That’s why you’ll go both in the snow and in the snowstorm, and you’ll go to the North, and you will believe in it, and provide it to the rear, and make coffee and cook pies. And you will give birth to children easily, with pleasure. After all, nothing is scary with such a man, even when everything is completely bad, he will not finish off his woman with whining and self-pity. He hugs her, presses him harder and begins to tell her what he HAS ALREADY DONE, what he does every day, and what he will do next.

This is understandable, this is such a successful man. And now in such a hunt to believe, here such a hunt to inspire, here for at least where, if only next to him. If only children grew up with such a father, no matter where.

And what a loser? What is the one with whom a woman becomes strong? With which she has longing and disappointment in her eyes?

What does he do when problems, troubles, illnesses, financial difficulties occur? What is he? Where is he? Yes, he’s nothing. He is not here. Or he escaped and disappeared from difficulties, and sometimes this is far from the worst option. Often after such runaways, a woman rises herself, and then she meets a man much better.

And the second option is that he is sitting by the women's skirt and aching. It is aching, aching, aching. Or he lays on the sofa, saying that he has depression. Everything is bad with him. Nobody appreciates him, nobody needs him, nothing works for him. So he depresses. And to do something, solve problems, work, work and work again, help a woman, raise children, but he has no time. He is busy with a great deed - self-pity and nagging.

Instead of doing something, taking some steps, analyzing his successful behavioral strategies and unsuccessful ones, working, puffing, trying, he talks instead. He speaks and speaks, speaks of how bad everything is, how hard it has become to live, how everything happens completely different from what he wanted and what he aspired to. He “sits down” on the woman’s ears, and after a while she feels exhausted, exhausted, and de-energized. And it’s good if she understood in time who she got. If in time she threw off the feeling of pity that is so inherent in us women, and said to him: “All this is certainly interesting, but I have neither the time nor the desire to listen to your nagging. Or do something to fix the situation, or goodbye. ” In this regard, I like the chapter on female pity for men and how to get rid of such a whiner in R. Kirranov’s books.

Here is what he writes about this, quoting an excerpt from the book:

« Total - pity works with women and how it works.

You can tell me that this is not the case in your case. That men who try to put pressure on you for pity make you disdain, that you don’t like them, that ...

So say 98 percent of women. And in fact, when men very rudely presses on pity, then this is what happens. The man begins to disgust the woman.

But understand that maternal instinct is an extremely powerful instinct and it has very powerful manifestations in life. If the manipulation of pity rarely worked, then I would not write about this exception to the rule.

Unfortunately, this manipulation works quite well if it is even a little stretched in time.

For example, at the first meeting, a man does not complain.

At the second meeting, the man briefly tells the story of unhappy love.

On the third story about how he saved cats from trees and a cat, in gratitude for this, bit his finger.

Then something else.

And if he does not go too far, then very often the manipulation works to a greater or lesser extent. In addition to this, manipulations rarely go it alone. Along with this manipulation, some other or even several other manipulations can go on. (Not about pity) And maybe one manipulation would not work, but a few will work. He wrote in great detail about terry manipulators and their strategies in his book - I recommend reading it, it will come in handy in life.

So, pity, as a means of manipulation, is used by men quite often and very often this manipulation on women works if it is not carried out too rudely. This manipulation corresponds to the deepest instincts of a woman and therefore it is impossible to completely get rid of her, you can only learn to control yourself. And you need to get rid of such a loser man as quickly as possible.

Maybe you tell yourself or me that "well, let them put pressure on pity." After all, the main thing is that a person is good.

This is the deepest error. If a man presses pity, if he periodically whines and seems to depend on a woman, then this does not say at all that such a man, because of his dependence on a woman, will be reliable and will be near such a woman in any difficult life circumstances that inevitably happen in of life.

No, a man prone to excessive manipulation of pity is not reliable and he will leave as soon as he thinks that there is a more convenient, successful or profitable option.

Gratitude for the fact that you helped him for many years will not hold him; nothing will hold him.He will just leave, and you won’t even understand why. ”

To get rid of such losers, you need to learn to value yourself and your life. Indeed, often a woman suffers such a semblance of a man, and even pulls him on her. He provides for himself, his children and him in addition, listens to his whining, does not drive him to work, and does not drive him out of the house. She turns into a zombie woman who is forced to become a man, and who no longer has the strength and time for the joy of communicating with children, for the joy of herself, of her life.

Do you need this? If you recognize yourself in such a woman, think about it, because you yourself endure and allow yourself to live with such a whiner. Why do you need this? You so affirm at the expense of him? Do you feel stronger and more successful? Do you feel your need that without you he would be gone? Do you feel what kind of “hero” you are in a skirt, but rather even in trousers?

Think about why you yourself need to endure such a semblance of a man and why you are not ready to live with a success worthy of your love and respect.

Often this is a consequence of birth programs. But this is the topic of another article. This is the topic of a separate book. An article on how to work through generic scripts can be read

Regards, Anastasia Gai.

Often men They accuse women of judging them by the size of their wallet and their ability to provide for their families financially. Of course, it is easiest to blame the mercantile sex for the weaker sex, but not all men succeed in becoming a real support for the wife and ensuring the material wealth of the family. Most husbands earn little, they are indecisive and do not strive for high goals. Such men are usually called losers.

At work loser husband - A typical representative of the gray majority of people with an average salary, that is, one that is enough only for food and family accommodation. To his wife’s offer to look for another job, he replies: "I have enough money, you are not enough for you and look for work." The wives of such husbands do not want to meet with friends, do not dream to relax at sea and buy clothes for all family members at sales. And the most unpleasant thing is that every day after a hard working day they are forced to listen to her husband’s complaints about how life is unfair and only those who, unlike him, are not honest are living well today.

Failed husband likes to blame others for all his failures, he can tell every day how the boss gets him at work and how the evil colleagues lick him. Over time, the wife, without realizing it, turns into a vest to wipe her husband’s tears and ceases to ask him to look for another job. After all, he is so helpless and weak-minded, who will take him to another job.

About us over the years accepts such a life and grows old, never having received from life what she had hoped for in her youth, choosing this man as her husband. In such families, the husband and wife feel lonely, the wife does not want to communicate with her husband, as she sees how he does not like to listen to stories about how former friends went to relax in an expensive resort or bought a new apartment. Children raised in such a family are forced to start from scratch, without any help from their parents. But not all wives accept the passive behavior of a failed husband. Many people have been trying all his life to re-educate him, setting up scandals and reproaching him for being a "mattress" and a "mumble."

Do you consider your husband a failure? It is possible that today you are ready to part with your unlucky husband and want to find a new "prince" who could realize your unfulfilled dreams? But here is where to find them, if even before your marriage all normal men were already occupied. Nobody marries a man who drinks beer and gambling all day. If your husband today, in your opinion, was among the losers, this does not mean that he was so even before your marriage.

All women's findings on husband's failure - This is a consequence of her upbringing. If a woman grew up in families where her father earned a lot and provided a high standard of living for all family members, then she automatically considers successful only that man who can arrange the same life for her. Basically, the criteria for evaluating men are greatly exaggerated, and anyone who does not have a huge bank account, an expensive foreign car, and a country house in a prestigious place is a failure for this woman.

Woman with such ambitious demands, it is better not to marry a man with an average income, and if you have not found another, then you need to come to terms with the life that the husband provides. If you want to live a luxurious life, shine with furs and diamonds, then learn how to make money yourself, or throw an unsuccessful husband. But the question is: will you then find a wealthy man? After all, there are so many hunters to someone else’s wealth today that there are too many of them per rich man. You are no longer able to turn the clock, but you should not live your life in desperate grayness next to a failed man.

To start try hard understand and accept your husband as he is. To improve family relationships, it is very important to see the partner not as he should be, but you need to appreciate him for who he already is. Only a loved one can truly be appreciated. Only love makes us blind, and makes it possible not to see that a person does not reach something. It is not so important how much a man earns, but his attitude towards you and his character are of great importance. If he is responsive, caring, calm and patient, it is quite possible that career growth and high earnings are not included in his life plans. He wants to spend more time with his family and participate in raising children, rather than disappearing all day at work, not knowing what the children are busy in his absence. But no spiritual qualities of a man should be a reason for the woman next to him to become a draft horse, pulling the whole family alone, or a miserable creature counting every penny.

What this manif children don’t eat vegetables and fruits, don’t have mobile phones, mother works all day to feed her family, and her loser husband sits with a can of beer at the TV and sighs how hard it was to live in the current conditions. Love, of course, is evil; you can fall in love with naivety and such. But such an attitude towards family members, even if covered by beautiful words and imaginary caring, quickly kill feelings.

Usually before marriage women they see that a man is not entirely confident in his abilities and there are not enough stars from the sky, he has no special abilities, no energy, no pride, no ambition. They marry such men mainly with the hope: "I will re-educate him and make him a successful person!" But over the years it becomes clear that the husband does not want to strain, and if his wife asks him to do something, he grumbles and takes offense. In such families, wives either put up with poverty or part with a failed husband. Unfortunately, a woman cannot re-educate a man who is too lazy to do anything to change the life of his family for the better.