How to survive the unequal attitude towards children. My life: “I can not forgive my mother for dislike and humiliation

With the name of Allah, the Merciful and All-Merciful!

In some families, childhood conflicts are rare or something on the verge of impossible. And in some - this is the story of every day. What is the reason? If parents show children love and respect for each other, then the cause of children's quarrels is most often jealousy. More precisely, in the unequal attitude of parents to their children. Parents may not suspect this, but allowing themselves to treat children differently, they unwittingly put a time bomb in their relationship. And this is not only about the fact that instead of being comrades and relatives to each other, children will behave like rivals ...

The range of negative consequences of unequal treatment of children is quite wide. These may include low self-esteem, isolation, hostility, “bad behavior” (to attract more attention), a tendency to colds, illnesses (it is possible that with the same purpose - to attract parental attention), the desire to imitate (the eldest - younger / or younger - older / boy-girl / girl-boy - depending on who is the favorite in the family, the “less beloved” will try to be like a “favorite”), etc.

Each child is a separate person, it is not possible to do everything the same for them all the time. For a girl, for example, a different approach is needed than for a boy. An infant needs more attention and care than a grown firstborn. One child sometimes needs more support in certain situations than the second. But even paying attention to one, the parent should never forget about the second. It is necessary to value, love, recognize all of their children equally.

It is necessary to create such an atmosphere and conditions that every child feels loved and needed. Each of them should have a place of honor in the family. Otherwise, there can be no strife, hidden aggression and competition for the love and attention of parents. Moreover, a child can not always openly say that he is not happy in a relationship. He can say it "veiled." For example, illnesses or changes in behavior and performance.

Reflecting on the rivalry of the Siblings for the love of parents, one involuntarily recalls the story of the prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, told in the Qur'an. Allah Almighty says in the Quran:

“Of course, Yusuf (Joseph) and his brothers became signs for those who ask.

Here they said: “The father loves Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother more than us, although we are a whole group. Verily, our father is in an obvious delusion.

Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or throw him on another earth. Then your father’s face will be completely turned to you, and after that you will be righteous people. ”

One of them said: “Do not kill Yusuf (Joseph), but throw him at the bottom of the well if you decide to act. One of the caravans will pull it. ” (Surah Yusuf, verses 7-10).

So, being tormented by jealousy for the love of his father, the brothers threw Yusuf into the well. Where did his other trials and main events of life begin. And although the story of the prophets is the story of the chosen slaves of Allah, it should serve as a reminder to “ordinary” parents about the consequences of unequal treatment of children.

As the Prophet Muhammad commanded, may Allah bless and greet him? One of the hadiths says that one day, An-Numan ibn Bashir, a young companion of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and welcome him, and said: "I gave a slave as a present to my son and I want you to witness that." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked: “Have you made the same gifts to all your children?” When he replied that no, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Look for another witness for your work, for I do not testify injustice.”

Another hadith says that one day the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed Muslims with these words: “Fear Allah and be fair to your children.” Although violation of this prohibition may seem like a trifle to the parent or something natural, practice shows that it is the injustice of the parents that underlies many spoiled relationships of already matured children. And the words of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, "Fear Allah" only confirms that this is not only the cause of long-term trouble, but also a serious sin before God.

Some mothers give a clear preference to one of the children - their favorite. Another child feels somewhat outcast. Those who had to endure such rejection in childhood, at middle age, have higher risks in relation to the development of depressive states. This is evidenced by the results of a study by the gerontologist Karl Pilmer (Cornell).

In the light of previous studies on this topic, maternal favoritism has a noticeable negative effect on the mental state of children, and is often the cause of behavioral problems during childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. The results of a study conducted by a sociologist Jill Sutor, for the first time proved the continuation of the negative consequences in adulthood.

The child perceives maternal favoritism subjectively and this negative phenomenon affects the psychology of the subject, even after growing up, when he has long been living separately from his parents, has his own family. These are the findings of Pilmer (professor at the Department of Developmental Psychology, College of Human Ecology; publication: “Journal of Marriage and Family”, April).

What matters is that it does not matter whether the child was “chosen” or “rejected”. The unequal attitude of parents towards children harms them all, without exception. A child who is not a favorite is quietly angry at his mother and brother or sister, who have a clear preference. And the “chosen one” feels a hidden hostility of the “outcasts”, and, moreover, is forced to single-handedly bear the burden of compulsory compliance with parental aspirations.

It is probably hard for mothers to resist in full measure favoritism. The study shows that 70% of parents recognize their particular commitment to one child; in turn, only 15% of children reported that they felt the same attitude of mothers to all their children. Among children, 92% indicated an outcast child; 73% of parents did the same.

The study took into account the quantitative composition of the family, race, and many other factors. Interviews were conducted with the participation of 275 mothers (age 60-70 years old) who raised at least two children (alive at the time of the study). The number of children studied was 671 people. Questions about conflict, proximity were suggested. Also, children and parents were asked in whose care the mother would like to stay in old age or in case of a serious illness, etc.

The results and conclusions of the study can help in the development of new therapeutic techniques for use in psychological practice when dealing with relevant problems. According to Pilmer, a moral norm is significant in public consciousness, which implies an equal attitude of parents to all their children. Because of this, the problem of favoritism is little discussed (something like a taboo). Nevertheless, psychologists are able to assist adult children and elderly parents in resolving conflicts that once occurred between them, thereby preventing a possible conflict in the future.

In his work, Pilmer relied on a study by Jill Sutor, who co-authored it with Charles Henderson (senior researcher in developmental psychology) and graduate student Seth Pardo (all from Cornell).

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I would like to start this topic with an example that, unfortunately, is found in many families. The youngest son is loved and caressed by parental attention, while the eldest son or eldest daughter falls mainly on severity and exactingness.

The younger one may indeed have many talents, but the Almighty, as they say, the Supreme did not deprive. Nevertheless, the whole family works exclusively for the youngest child, paying attention only to his wishes.

I’m afraid that situations where one of the children is literally “elevated to the throne”, while the other remains only “place on the rug” - are far from single. And the question is: can children be deprived, giving preference to others, and what does Islam say about this?

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Fear Allah and keep justice to your children” (Muslim, part 3, p. 1242, No. 1623). Islam ordered justice and equality in relation to children in everything, even in the most insignificant things, such as when a father kisses children.

Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) said that once a man was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).

His son approached the man, he kissed him and put him on his lap, then his daughter came - he put her in front of him. Then the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “You should treat them the same way” (narrated by al-Bazzar and al-Khaysami). This is what Islam teaches us! And those who follow this principle will never make mistakes and will not regret. For example, I personally know a family in which the elder was allowed everything, and the younger, on the contrary, the road was closed to everything. If the older one got into debt, buying something from the store, then this was forgiven to him, and they did not say anything or scolded him, but if the younger one did this, then he was obliged to catch up. What is the result?

But in the end, the younger one became isolated, and you must admit that resentment, pain, and thoughts about an unfair attitude are not the best companions of childhood. The elder was more suited to the motto “the whole world is for me!” and he grew up a spoiled, selfish and irresponsible person. And the parents themselves in such families can not be envied. In the most prosperous scenario, matured “pets” will appreciate all the efforts and love invested in them, and unloved children will be forgiven, as is the case in films. And if not? Let's really look at this problem. Indeed, in real life it is much more complicated. If the "kings" cherished with such love continue to rule, taking everything for granted, and those who are rejected as soon as possible break out of the cold parental nest, burning all the bridges behind them? What then?

Therefore, we must understand that the issue of justice for children is very serious in our religion. No wonder the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) paid great attention to this issue.

If we consider the consequences of unequal treatment of children, then it is obvious that this inequality creates hatred and resentment between brothers and sisters - and love and mutual understanding must reign between them. An unequal attitude in children causes envy and hostility towards each other. For example, they told me that in one family a five-year-old boy offered his parents ... to give the younger brother to someone from strangers so that they lived so far away from them that he could not return ... Here is the result, dear parents, unequal treatment of children!

Moreover, the Shariah orders to adhere to equality and justice, not only in the manifestation of feelings for children, but also in material terms.

A person should not give preference to either boys or girls, sharing gifts between children. All children are the same.

An-Numan ibn Bushayr said: “When my father gave me part of his property, my mother Amra bin Rwahah said:“ I can’t agree with this until the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) becomes a witness. ” The father went to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to ask to be his witness, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked him: “Have you done this to all the children?” The parent said no. Then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: “Fear Allah and be fair to your children!” Then my father returned and took back what he gave me ”(Muslim, part 3, p. 1242, No. 1623).

Dear Parents! Try to bring up your children, be fair to each of them, take care of everyone, and the best thing for you will be to educate them in the spirit of Islam, as our religion requires.

May Allah help everyone! Amine.

Ibrahim Ibrahimov

[email protected]

Informative

There is an opinion that for a woman there is no difference between her children: maternal love and attention is enough for everyone. Ideally, a mother should love and care for all her children equally. But we know a lot of examples when one of the children in the family experienced an acute shortage of parental love, and someone was a favorite whom everyone indulged.

In fact, there are many more such families than we can imagine. As you know, the maternal model of behavior is inherited. And those who in childhood suffered from a lack of parental love have to make great efforts to break this circle. But, according to the writer Pag Streep, the “favorites” of mothers in life also have a hard time. In her article, she writes about what the unequal attitude of parents toward children leads to.

When the baby is a trophy

There are many reasons why one of the children is a favorite, but the main thing can be highlighted - the “pet” is more like a mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman with two children - one quiet and obedient, the second energetic, excitable, constantly trying to violate restrictions. Which of them will be easier for her to bring up?

It also happens that parents treat children at different stages of development differently. For example, it is easier for an authoritarian and authoritarian mother to raise a very young child, because the older one is already able to disagree and argue. Therefore, the youngest child often becomes my mother's "favorite." But often this is only a temporary position.

“In the earliest photographs, mom holds me like a shining china doll. She does not look at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she shows the most valuable of her things. I like a purebred puppy for her. Everywhere dressed with a needle - a huge bow, elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well - all the time I had to make sure that they did not have a speck, they should be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, became like a dad, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I did not grow up the way she wanted and expected. And I lost my place in the sun. "

Not all mothers fall into this trap.

“Looking back, I understand that my mother had much more trouble with my older sister. She constantly needed help, but I didn’t. Then no one knew that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, she was diagnosed with this diagnosis as an adult, but it was precisely in that. But in everything else, mom tried to treat us the same way. Although she did not spend as much time with me as she did with my sister, I never felt an unfair treatment of myself. ”

But this does not happen in all families, especially when it comes to a mother with a penchant for control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, relations are formed according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call "child trophy."

First, let's talk more about the different attitudes of parents to children.

Unequal effect

It is unlikely that anyone will be surprised that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal attitude on the part of their parents. Another thing is noteworthy - rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered a “normal” phenomenon, can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if an unequal attitude on the part of the parents is mixed with this “cocktail”.

Studies by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin have shown that children are often more influenced by their parents' attitudes toward brothers and sisters than towards themselves. According to them, "if the child sees that the mother shows more love and care for his brother or sister, this can devalue for him even the love and care that she shows for him."

People are biologically programmed to respond more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. That is why it can be easier to remember how mom literally shone with joy, hugging your brother or sister, and how deprived we felt at the same time than the cases when she smiled at you and seemed to be pleased with you. For the same reason, curses, insults and ridicule from one of the parents are not compensated by the good attitude of the second.

In families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved, but also beloved children

An unequal attitude on the part of the parents has many negative effects on the child - self-esteem decreases, a habit of self-criticism develops, a belief in their uselessness and dislike appears, a tendency to inappropriate behavior appears - this is how the child tries to attract attention, the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child’s relationships with brothers and sisters suffer.

When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the existing relationship pattern is not always possible to change. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only in the unloved, but also in the beloved children.

“It was as if I was caught between two“ stars ”- my older brother-athlete and younger sister-ballerina. It doesn’t matter that I was an excellent pupil and took prizes at scientific competitions, obviously for my mother it was not “glamorous” enough. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she repeated constantly, “it is especially important for plain-looking girls to smile more often.” It was just cruel. And you know what? My idol was Cinderella, ”says one woman.

Studies show that unequal parental attitudes affect children more if they are of the same sex.

Podium

Mothers who see the child as an extension of themselves and proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful - especially in the eyes of strangers.

The classic case is a mother trying through her child to realize her unfulfilled ambitions, especially creative ones. As an example of such children, you can cite famous actresses - Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others. But “trophy children” are not necessarily connected with the world of show business, similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.

Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats children differently. But the “pedestal of honor for the winners" in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families - regardless of whether they were “lucky” to become a “trophy child” - from an early age understand that the mother is not interested in their personality, only their achievements are important to her and in what light they expose her herself.

When you have to win love and approval in the family, this not only fuels the rivalry between children, but also increases the standards by which all members of the family are evaluated. Thoughts and experiences of the “winners” and “losers” do not really worry anyone, but the “trophy child” is more difficult to realize than those who have become the “scapegoat”.

“I definitely belonged to the category of“ trophy children ”- until I realized that I myself could decide what to do. Mom either loved me or was angry with me, but mostly admired me for her own benefit - for the image, for the "show", in order to receive the love and care that she herself did not get in childhood.

When she stopped receiving from me those hugs, kisses and love that she needed - I just matured, but she still could not grow up - and when I started to decide how to live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.

I had a choice: to be independent and say what I think, or to silently submit to her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first, did not hesitate to openly criticize her and remained true to myself. And I am much happier than I could be in the role of a "trophy child."

Family dynamics

Imagine that the mother is the Sun, and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.

“Do you know how they say:“ if mom is unhappy, no one will be satisfied ”? Our family lived by this principle. And I did not realize that it was not normal until I grew up. I was not the idol of the family, although I was not a scapegoat either. My sister was the “trophy”, I was the one who was not paid attention to, and my brother was considered a failure.

Such roles were assigned to us and, for the most part, all of our childhood we corresponded to them. My brother ran away, graduated from college, working in parallel, and now I am the only member of the family with whom he communicates. My sister lives two streets from my mother, I don’t communicate with them. My brother and I got comfortable, happy with life. Both have made good families and are in touch with each other. ”

Although in many families the position of “trophy child” is relatively stable, in others it can constantly shift. Here is the case of a woman in whose life such dynamics persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now when her parents are no longer alive:

“The position of the“ trophy child ”in our family was constantly shifting, depending on which of us was behaving in the way that, in the opinion of the mother, the other two children should have acted. Everyone was hostile to each other, and after many years, already in adulthood, this growing tension escaped when our mother fell ill, needed care, and then died.

The conflict surfaced again when our father fell ill and died. And so far, any discussion of upcoming family meetings does not go without clarifying the relationship.

We have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right.

Mom herself was one of four sisters - all close in age - and from an early age learned to "behave" correctly. My brother was her only son, she had no brothers in her childhood. His taunts and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because "he is not from evil." Surrounded by two girls, he was a "trophy boy."

I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although he believed that it was I who was my mother’s favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the "podium" are constantly changing. Because of this, we have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right. ”

In such families, everyone is constantly on their guard and constantly watches, as if they were not “circumvented” in something. For most people, this is hard and tiring.

Sometimes the dynamics of relations in such a family is not limited to assigning a child to the role of a “trophy”, parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. Other children often join the bullying, trying to earn the favor of their parents.

“In our family and generally in the circle of relatives, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, I always turned out to be. Once, my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and they blamed me for everything. My sister actively participated in this, she constantly lied, slandering me. And she continued to behave the same when we grew up. In my opinion, for 40 years, my mother has never said a word across to her sister. Why, when am I? Rather, it was - until it broke off all relations with them both. ”

A few more words about winners and losers

Studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women whom they did not like in their childhood and even made scapegoats said they were now glad that they were not “trophies”. I am not a psychologist or a psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have been regularly communicating with women whom my mother did not like, and this seemed to me quite remarkable.

These women did not at all try to belittle the significance of their experiences or to minimize the pain they experienced as an outcast in their own family — on the contrary, they emphasized this in every way — and admitted that in general their childhood was terrible. But - and this is important - many noted that their brothers and sisters, playing the role of "trophies", could not escape the unhealthy dynamics of family relations, and they themselves succeeded - simply because they had to.

There were many stories of “trophy daughters” who became copies of their mothers — women who were just as narcissistic as they were, prone to control using the divide and conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected - they should have been perfect - that they continued to live in their parents' home 45 years later.

Some broke contacts with families, others maintain communication, but are not shy about telling their parents about their behavior.

Some noted that the next generation inherited this vicious scenario of relations, and he continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who were accustomed to considering children as trophies.

On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to remain silent, but to defend their interests. Some broke contacts with families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to directly indicate to parents their inappropriate behavior.

Some decided to become “suns” themselves and give heat to other “planetary systems”. They worked hard on themselves to fully understand and realize what happened to them in childhood, and built their own lives - with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they have no spiritual wounds, but they all have one thing in common: more important for them is not what a person does, but what he represents.

I call it progress.

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One of the main mistakes is that parents do not treat all their children the same way. We are talking about the so-called "favorites" who are in a particularly privileged position. Usually, pets are well aware of their advantage and use it frankly, contemptuously treating brothers and sisters. (p.146) Up to the age of fifteen, a pet is considered to be “small”, he is exempted from homework, he is forgiven for the rest of him, he is protected from diseases, because he is “weak”, and therefore he is especially carefully dressed and dressed. Fearing overwork, they seek to free him from school, allow him to skip classes, and most importantly, demand that everyone else also see him as small, always give in to him and give up his habits and desires for him.

It is quite obvious that apart from bitterness, envy and annoyance, such inequality in relation to children brings nothing. Moreover, children “unloved” often seek to use the privileged position of a pet to achieve those goals that they cannot directly go to.<...>  Stories with pets have a number of options. So, we know families where the father has one favorite child, the mother has another. An unequal treatment of children grossly violates the most basic principles of education. The disagreement in the views and demands of the father and mother is no less harmful. The father wants to raise the child in strictness and submission, the mother, on the contrary, spoils the child excessively.<…>

No less evil is the excessive spoiling of children, which leads to licentiousness and selfishness. Most often we encounter such a phenomenon in families with an only child.<...>  It is becoming harder and harder every day to satisfy a little lord satiated with pleasures, and the child begins to seek solace in unhealthy entertainments and amusements. He torments animals, is mischievous, but most of all he practices bullying of his domestic animals.<...>

Seeing a child constantly unhappy and capricious, adults are looking for the cause of his nervousness in fatigue. They want to save him from unnecessary load and sometimes get to the point that they themselves perform the lessons assigned to him at school for the child. Under any pretext, they are allowed to skip classes and not go to school. Such unreasonable caring leads to an even greater licentiousness of the child, destroys the authority of the school and ruins all sorts of foundations of discipline.<...>

Is such a child grateful to adults for their care, care and attention, does he appreciate, respect his family? No, he does not appreciate her, just as he does not appreciate expensive toys. Adults only fulfill their duty - so he regards the cares of relatives. And when this boy, having developed mentally, looks soberly at his family, he will not even be able to respect and love her. If he does not realize the whole ugliness of the home education he received, then he will remain a “sissy”, whom no one loves at school and who cannot make friends with any of his comrades. (p. 147) As a result, a man isolated from society, deprived of friends and comrades, lonely in life, with a bleak childhood, without any aspirations and ideals in his youth, tired and disappointed with life at the age of 16-18, can grow up selfish and skeptic.

Fortunately, the school, with its healthy companionship, with its lively academic and social life, most often shakes this minion sharply and brings up other qualities in it. However, in this case, the child experiences a sharp breakdown in his relations with his relatives, the difference between the school and the house is even sharper, from which he begins to move away the sooner the sooner he gets used to school.<...>

In many families, the child after school is usually left to his own devices.<...>  Short meetings of parents with the child usually take place only in affection and games. All the educational value of the family, leading a diverse work and social life, is nullified. Such parents usually explain their inattention to children by excessive employment in production and social life. The child is left to herself or her neighbor - "she will look after him." And what he does is that parents don’t care much at all. They are sure that the child is busy with something, somehow playing with someone, probably reading something and walking somewhere.<...>  No reference to employment in production and public work can justify the inattention of parents to raising children.

Under any conditions, parents together (or take turns) are required dailyallocate at least one hour for children. This one hour is of great importance, and parents should cut it, despite all their busyness. This is their sacred duty. Then the relationships are established and strengthened, which are the key to the future great friendship between children and parents, so necessary for both of them, which over time will be more necessary for parents than children.

Wrong methods of education often lead to other consequences: the child gives everything to school, nothing remains for the family. He runs to classes ahead of time, remains under various pretexts at school after lessons. Family, parents somewhere in the background. The sharp border between the home atmosphere and the school, where an interesting, full of life lives, where there are so many comrades, knowledgeable, sympathetic and kind teachers, where every new day brings so much interesting, is the difference too big for the child to notice, but at the same time he didn’t appreciate his home environment.<...>

Among improper family relationships, there are some more cases that usually occur in families with older children or adolescents. (p.148) With complete external prosperity in the relations between parents and children, between them, in essence, at first barely noticeable and then more and more obvious alienation gradually grows. Affectionate, trusting and simple relationships with parents are gradually replaced in a teenager with isolation, sometimes gloom, secrecy, and increased irritability. A dull wall of mistrust, misunderstanding, and discontent is growing.

What is the matter here? Parents cannot help noticing this alienation, it worries them, but they no longer manage to change their relationship, because they don’t know the reasons for their child’s strange behavior. And the reasons most often are that parents do not take into account the growth of children. Sometimes they don’t notice that their child has already turned into a teenager, that this teenager, especially at certain periods of his development, re-evaluates everything and everyone, in particular his parents.

The teenager reflects on the events that are happening, observes people and their actions, it seems to him that he sees what others do not notice, and he begins to delve into himself. Parents, feeling this growing isolation, insist on the former frankness, demand the same closeness and friendship. It seems to the children that their parents do not understand them, they are moving away from their parents and prefer a family of comrades and friends to the family. The deeper this isolation, the more painful her parents are experiencing, and often the teenager himself, but the more difficult it is to overcome it.

Parents forget that with age, the child changes. What was good in a relationship with a primary school student is not suitable for a teenager of fourteen to fifteen years old. In the child’s view, parents no longer need him as guardians and controllers of his health, pastime, feelings, desires and interests. A teenager feels himself so grown up that he wants to control himself and his time to a certain extent. Therefore, the more parents insist on a report, frankness and closeness, the sharper the teenager protests. He perceives this as an encroachment on his independence and on his personal rights.

This period, critical for the development of relations between children and parents, requires a lot of tact from adults. Continuing to monitor the health and behavior of the adolescent, the direction of his interests, parents should do this so as not to impose openly on their "parental authority", which the adolescent in such cases is particularly painful.

Parents need to be in a constant friendly relationship with a teenager. With full credulity and respect not only for children to parents, but also for parents for children, such communication is natural and usual. (p.149) Without presenting any “parental rights”, without requiring a teenager to be frank, tactful of his feelings, seriously, but without moralizing, discussing and directing his actions, parents become real friends of their children and usually remain them for life .