Mom criticizes for unequal treatment of children. Family mistakes in relation to children

With the name of Allah, the Merciful and All-Merciful!

In some families, childhood conflicts are rare or something on the verge of impossible. And in some - this is the story of every day. What is the reason? If parents show children love and respect for each other, then the cause of children's quarrels is most often jealousy. More precisely, in the unequal attitude of parents to their children. Parents may not suspect this, but allowing themselves to treat children differently, they unwittingly put a time bomb in their relationship. And this is not only about the fact that instead of being comrades and relatives to each other, children will behave like rivals ...

The range of negative consequences of unequal treatment of children is quite wide. These may include low self-esteem, isolation, hostility, “bad behavior” (to attract more attention), a tendency to colds, illnesses (it is possible that with the same purpose - to attract parental attention), the desire to imitate (the eldest - younger / or younger - older / boy-girl / girl-boy - depending on who is the favorite in the family, the “less beloved” will try to be like a “favorite”), etc.

Each child is a separate person, it is not possible to do everything the same for them all the time. For a girl, for example, a different approach is needed than for a boy. An infant needs more attention and care than a grown firstborn. One child sometimes needs more support in certain situations than the second. But even paying attention to one, the parent should never forget about the second. It is necessary to value, love, recognize all of their children equally.

It is necessary to create such an atmosphere and conditions that every child feels loved and needed. Each of them should have a place of honor in the family. Otherwise, there can be no strife, hidden aggression and competition for the love and attention of parents. Moreover, a child can not always openly say that he is not happy in a relationship. He can say it "veiled." For example, illnesses or changes in behavior and performance.

Reflecting on the rivalry of the Siblings for the love of parents, one involuntarily recalls the story of the prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, told in the Qur'an. Allah Almighty says in the Quran:

“Of course, Yusuf (Joseph) and his brothers became signs for those who ask.

Here they said: “The father loves Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother more than us, although we are a whole group. Verily, our father is in an obvious delusion.

Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or throw him on another earth. Then your father’s face will be completely turned to you, and after that you will be righteous people. ”

One of them said: “Do not kill Yusuf (Joseph), but throw him at the bottom of the well if you decide to act. One of the caravans will pull it. ” (Surah Yusuf, verses 7-10).

So, being tormented by jealousy for the love of his father, the brothers threw Yusuf into the well. Where did his other trials and main events of life begin. And although the story of the prophets is the story of the chosen slaves of Allah, it should serve as a reminder to “ordinary” parents about the consequences of unequal treatment of children.

As the Prophet Muhammad commanded, may Allah bless and greet him? One of the hadiths says that one day, An-Numan ibn Bashir, a young companion of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and welcome him, and said: "I gave a slave as a present to my son and I want you to witness that." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked: “Have you made the same gifts to all your children?” When he replied that no, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Look for another witness for your work, for I do not testify injustice.”

Another hadith says that one day the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed Muslims with these words: “Fear Allah and be fair to your children.” Although violation of this prohibition may seem like a trifle to the parent or something natural, practice shows that it is the injustice of the parents that underlies many spoiled relationships of already matured children. And the words of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, "Fear Allah" only confirms that this is not only the cause of long-term trouble, but also a serious sin before God.

Informative

There is an opinion that for a woman there is no difference between her children: maternal love and attention is enough for everyone. Ideally, a mother should love and care for all her children equally. But we know a lot of examples when one of the children in the family experienced an acute shortage of parental love, and someone was a favorite whom everyone indulged.

In fact, there are many more such families than we can imagine. As you know, the maternal model of behavior is inherited. And those who in childhood suffered from a lack of parental love have to make great efforts to break this circle. But, according to the writer Pag Streep, the “favorites” of mothers in life also have a hard time. In her article, she writes about what the unequal attitude of parents toward children leads to.

When the baby is a trophy

There are many reasons why one of the children is a favorite, but the main thing can be highlighted - the “pet” is more like a mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman with two children - one quiet and obedient, the second energetic, excitable, constantly trying to violate restrictions. Which of them will be easier for her to bring up?

It also happens that parents treat children at different stages of development differently. For example, it is easier for an authoritarian and authoritarian mother to raise a very young child, because the older one is already able to disagree and argue. Therefore, the youngest child often becomes my mother's "favorite." But often this is only a temporary position.

“In the earliest photographs, mom holds me like a shining china doll. She does not look at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she shows the most valuable of her things. I like a purebred puppy for her. Everywhere dressed with a needle - a huge bow, elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well - all the time I had to make sure that they did not have a speck, they should be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, became like a dad, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I did not grow up the way she wanted and expected. And I lost my place in the sun. "

Not all mothers fall into this trap.

“Looking back, I understand that my mother had much more trouble with my older sister. She constantly needed help, but I didn’t. Then no one knew that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, she was diagnosed with this diagnosis as an adult, but it was precisely in that. But in everything else, mom tried to treat us the same way. Although she did not spend as much time with me as she did with my sister, I never felt an unfair treatment of myself. ”

But this does not happen in all families, especially when it comes to a mother with a penchant for control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, relations are formed according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call "child trophy."

First, let's talk more about the different attitudes of parents to children.

Unequal effect

It is unlikely that anyone will be surprised that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal attitude on the part of their parents. Another thing is noteworthy - rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered a “normal” phenomenon, can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if an unequal attitude on the part of the parents is mixed with this “cocktail”.

Studies by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin have shown that children are often more influenced by their parents' attitudes toward brothers and sisters than towards themselves. According to them, "if the child sees that the mother shows more love and care for his brother or sister, this can devalue for him even the love and care that she shows for him."

People are biologically programmed to respond more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. That is why it can be easier to remember how mom literally shone with joy, hugging your brother or sister, and how deprived we felt at the same time than the cases when she smiled at you and seemed to be pleased with you. For the same reason, curses, insults and ridicule from one of the parents are not compensated by the good attitude of the second.

In families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved, but also beloved children

An unequal attitude on the part of the parents has many negative effects on the child - self-esteem decreases, a habit of self-criticism develops, a belief in their uselessness and dislike appears, a tendency to inappropriate behavior appears - this is how the child tries to attract attention, the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child’s relationships with brothers and sisters suffer.

When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the existing relationship pattern is not always possible to change. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only in the unloved, but also in the beloved children.

“It was as if I was caught between two“ stars ”- my older brother-athlete and younger sister-ballerina. It doesn’t matter that I was an excellent pupil and took prizes at scientific competitions, obviously for my mother it was not “glamorous” enough. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she repeated constantly, “it is especially important for plain-looking girls to smile more often.” It was just cruel. And you know what? My idol was Cinderella, ”says one woman.

Studies show that unequal parental attitudes affect children more if they are of the same sex.

Podium

Mothers who see the child as an extension of themselves and proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful - especially in the eyes of strangers.

The classic case is a mother trying through her child to realize her unfulfilled ambitions, especially creative ones. As an example of such children, you can cite famous actresses - Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others. But “trophy children” are not necessarily connected with the world of show business, similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.

Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats children differently. But the “pedestal of honor for the winners" in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families - regardless of whether they were “lucky” to become a “trophy child” - from an early age understand that the mother is not interested in their personality, only their achievements are important to her and in what light they expose her herself.

When you have to win love and approval in the family, this not only fuels the rivalry between children, but also increases the standards by which all members of the family are evaluated. Thoughts and experiences of the “winners” and “losers” do not really worry anyone, but the “trophy child” is more difficult to realize than those who have become the “scapegoat”.

“I definitely belonged to the category of“ trophy children ”- until I realized that I myself could decide what to do. Mom either loved me or was angry with me, but mostly admired me for her own benefit - for the image, for the "show", in order to receive the love and care that she herself did not get in childhood.

When she stopped receiving from me those hugs, kisses and love that she needed - I just matured, but she still could not grow up - and when I started to decide how to live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.

I had a choice: to be independent and say what I think, or to silently submit to her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first, did not hesitate to openly criticize her and remained true to myself. And I am much happier than I could be in the role of a "trophy child."

Family dynamics

Imagine that the mother is the Sun, and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.

“Do you know how they say:“ if mom is unhappy, no one will be satisfied ”? Our family lived by this principle. And I did not realize that it was not normal until I grew up. I was not the idol of the family, although I was not a scapegoat either. My sister was the “trophy”, I was the one who was not paid attention to, and my brother was considered a failure.

Such roles were assigned to us and, for the most part, all of our childhood we corresponded to them. My brother ran away, graduated from college, working in parallel, and now I am the only member of the family with whom he communicates. My sister lives two streets from my mother, I don’t communicate with them. My brother and I got comfortable, happy with life. Both have made good families and are in touch with each other. ”

Although in many families the position of “trophy child” is relatively stable, in others it can constantly shift. Here is the case of a woman in whose life such dynamics persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now when her parents are no longer alive:

“The position of the“ trophy child ”in our family was constantly shifting, depending on which of us was behaving in the way that, in the opinion of the mother, the other two children should have acted. Everyone was hostile to each other, and after many years, already in adulthood, this growing tension escaped when our mother fell ill, needed care, and then died.

The conflict surfaced again when our father fell ill and died. And so far, any discussion of upcoming family meetings does not go without clarifying the relationship.

We have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right.

Mom herself was one of four sisters - all close in age - and from an early age learned to "behave" correctly. My brother was her only son, she had no brothers in her childhood. His taunts and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because "he is not from evil." Surrounded by two girls, he was a "trophy boy."

I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although he believed that it was I who was my mother’s favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the "podium" are constantly changing. Because of this, we have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right. ”

In such families, everyone is constantly on their guard and constantly watches, as if they were not “circumvented” in something. For most people, this is hard and tiring.

Sometimes the dynamics of relations in such a family is not limited to assigning a child to the role of a “trophy”, parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. Other children often join the bullying, trying to earn the favor of their parents.

“In our family and generally in the circle of relatives, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, I always turned out to be. Once, my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and they blamed me for everything. My sister actively participated in this, she constantly lied, slandering me. And she continued to behave the same when we grew up. In my opinion, for 40 years, my mother has never said a word across to her sister. Why, when am I? Rather, it was - until it broke off all relations with them both. ”

A few more words about winners and losers

Studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women whom they did not like in their childhood and even made scapegoats said they were now glad that they were not “trophies”. I am not a psychologist or a psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have been regularly communicating with women whom my mother did not like, and this seemed to me quite remarkable.

These women did not at all try to belittle the significance of their experiences or to minimize the pain they experienced as an outcast in their own family — on the contrary, they emphasized this in every way — and admitted that in general their childhood was terrible. But - and this is important - many noted that their brothers and sisters, playing the role of "trophies", could not escape the unhealthy dynamics of family relations, and they themselves succeeded - simply because they had to.

There were many stories of “trophy daughters” who became copies of their mothers — women who were just as narcissistic as they were, prone to control using the divide and conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected - they should have been perfect - that they continued to live in their parents' home 45 years later.

Some broke contacts with families, others maintain communication, but are not shy about telling their parents about their behavior.

Some noted that the next generation inherited this vicious scenario of relations, and he continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who were accustomed to considering children as trophies.

On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to remain silent, but to defend their interests. Some broke contacts with families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to directly indicate to parents their inappropriate behavior.

Some decided to become “suns” themselves and give heat to other “planetary systems”. They worked hard on themselves to fully understand and realize what happened to them in childhood, and built their own lives - with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they have no spiritual wounds, but they all have one thing in common: more important for them is not what a person does, but what he represents.

I call it progress.

Was this information helpful?

Well no

Honestly, I don’t even know why I am writing to you. Maybe this is a cry of despair, maybe an attempt to understand for herself, to see from the side. I do not know. Or maybe it's the hope that they will give me a key to how to get out. My problem is rooted in childhood. To call my relationship with my mom complicated is to say nothing, they are sick, painful for both of us. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s hard for me to do it. The only thing I could do was to write her a letter that she would never read, because I would not give it to her, but rather an attempt to free myself from a state of oppression.

A letter to mom.

I have to tell a lot about it, or rather I should not, but I want to. I want to finally reach your soul. And at the same time, I'm afraid, and my hands drop. I know that this is impossible, you will never understand and feel me. Yes, you probably love me, probably, because financial assistance is by no means a guarantee of love - it is just an inner urge to compensate me for what your heart cannot give me. I used to try to force myself to forgive you. After all, I love you, whatever you may be, but now I understand that I can’t. Later, I learned to forget, just to erase everything that happened to me from my memory. I have so skillfully mastered this ability that now I do not remember anything. Very, very rare pictures from the past, I can easily wrap in black paper and hide from my own consciousness. This, of course, does not solve the problem, but at least eliminates pain and fear. You do not want to believe, but it is so that I am afraid of you and love you at the same time. I want to say a lot, but is it worth it?

How much jealousy I experienced in my childhood, you can’t even imagine how unbearably scary it was to go home with a deuce in a diary, how a heart hit my heels when, playing, I suddenly heard the key turn in the door, but I did not vacuum. How terrified I was to go home if I was late. And your face twisted with malice at the moment when the belt painfully whipped through the body, and all these terrible words. I remember almost all the phrases said by you, I can’t erase them no matter how I try. And the farther, the more painful it is for me to live with it, because little has changed since then. You stopped beating me, and I don’t need to be afraid that I didn’t vacuum, but ... words. The words remained, you still torment me with them, comparing and reproaching endlessly, reminding me endlessly that I am a terrible person and a bad daughter. You expect affection and warmth from me, but you don’t even think about the fact that you yourself once erected a wall between us, through which I can’t cross. And I really miss you, you like you were with your brother.

It is very painful to watch the most important person in my life with unrestrained tenderness, lovingly kissing my brother over the edge and indifferently throwing praise “well done” to me, as if ashamed. Only once I tried to break through, and you turned away, pushed me away. Since then, I no longer hoped. But it still hurts. I want to say so much and so desperately fight with myself out of fear in response to hear even more insulting words.

I’m an adult woman, I’ve been a mom myself for a long time. And now I’m even more sick because the last excuses for your behavior have been lost. I could justify you with fatigue and a tough character, now I know that this is not an excuse. This is a vicious circle from which I never found a way out. Now I want to hide from you, from your displeased face, from your reproaches and from your shame for me. And at the same time, all this is now mine too: a displeased face, my reproaches and my shame for myself. It is very difficult to live with it, unbearably and painfully.

I understand that this is not enough to understand what is happening, but I can not describe otherwise, perhaps because once again we had a fight and for more than two months she ignored me, and I understand that the further the less I want to get in touch . Communicating with her, I constantly feel guilty and my own failure. Coming home from her, I feel completely destroyed. Many problems in my life are connected with constant tension in relations with my mother. She presses me, I resist, as a result, everything goes awry. And I don’t know how to live with it. I live, of course, I try to be better, wiser, but inside there is a little girl sitting and it hurts. And with each quarrel it is more painful and indifferent.

Psychologist Comment:

In your letter, my attention was attracted by several points that reflect a psychologically mature approach to how you are trying to cope with the difficult condition you are in.

For example, you say that there is a little girl sitting inside who is hurt and ill. I don’t know if you read something on this topic or just described your condition spontaneously in this way, but in psychology the inner world of a person is often divided into parts, or subpersonalities, and one of the most basic is Inner child. It is a combination of all childhood experience, that is, emotions, experiences, impressions from childhood, and if a person has accumulated a lot of pain, they say that the Inner Child is sad, and a person often experiences feelings such as sadness, anxiety hopelessness. And in moments when a person is happy, manifests his desires and emotions, spontaneity, creativity - this is the positive side of the Inner Child.

Then you say that you skillfully mastered the ability to forget about pain, to wrap experiences in black paper so that they disappear from memory. In psychology, this process is called repression. Our waking consciousness is only a part of the psyche, and besides it we still have a huge unconscious part. Repression is a protective mechanism, because a person cannot function, constantly being in a state of pain. Therefore, memories and images associated with pain are removed from consciousness. Usually this process takes place beyond awareness, but you talk about it as if you were doing it on purpose. And this is good - if you know how to control repression, maybe you will be able to control and return.

The fact is that if you supplant some memory from your memory, this does not mean that it is no longer there. It has become part of your unconscious. And everything that we do not realize begins to control our life. It will express itself through emotional problems, physical illnesses, unexpected reactions to something, reservations, mistakes, difficulty concentrating and many other manifestations. In a word, forgetting is a deception of oneself that the problem is solved. It is not resolved, but postponed. And he will constantly knock on our psyche so that we remember about her and decide on her.

In a letter, expressing your feelings in words, you no longer supplant them. On the contrary, take them out and take them out. It may seem that this is pointless, but the fact is that in this letter it is not his goal that is important, but the process itself. By splashing out feelings, you are freed from them to some extent. When deciding to write a letter, you refuse to behave the way you behaved all your life - to endure, be silent, forget your pain. You are trying something new. And there is already a lot of benefit.

You yourself understand that that mother’s voice, which you often heard in childhood, now lives inside and continues to make you feel ashamed, guilty, inferior, even when your mother is not around. You have not yet found a way to cope with this voice, but at least you realized that it is identical to your mother’s voice, which implies that it is not originally your own. Once it was introduced, “embedded” in your psyche, and this means that once there was a time when it was not there. You were not born with him, and in principle he is not yours. Only here is how to silence him and where to get a different voice - these are more complicated issues.

Of course, your case is very difficult, and it is unlikely that anyone can cope with so much pain and humiliation without outside help. For this, there are psychotherapists. In your letter you can clearly hear the unmet need for love, and also for warmth and acceptance. These are the most basic and basic needs of both a child and an adult. And fate has developed so that in childhood, the main person who cared for you - your mother - did not satisfy this need. There were reasons for this, but for us they are now unimportant. It is important to understand that it was wrong, to see that the girl was actually innocent, and she is good. It deserves love, even if there is no one nearby who could give this love to her.

The mistake that every person in the process of growing up and searching for himself should find out, is that it seems to us that mom is the only source of love for us in the whole world. And if this source is empty or, even worse, instead of water there is poison, or prickly needles, the person is very much confused and disappointed. He does not understand how to live in this world at all. This issue is resolved through the expansion of the picture of the world and the realization that the mother is not a source of love, but only its vehicle. The source is behind it, it is great and exists for everyone, it is the Spirit, or God, call it what you want. A conductor can be pure, which passes love through itself like light, or it can be polluted or blocked. But if the conductor does not conduct, this does not mean that there is no love. It is important to understand that love is your right. This love is poured in the space around you, and you need to learn how to find it and absorb through other vehicles. This can happen through communication with friends, with animals, with other relatives, with psychologists, with nature, with art and much more. And in this process, you have the ability to experience love, acceptance and warmth for yourself, for that girl who lives inside and waits for them.

You absolutely correctly noticed that trying to just forgive your mother is impossible and useless. The development of relations with the mother’s figure is a complex, multi-stage process that requires months, and sometimes years of systematic work. First, a person needs to get the experience of a state in which he is loved, and gain some support. Then you need to meet with painful childhood experiences, having a new resource. This experience needs to be rethought from the point of view of the unfairness of applying such an attitude to the child and to survive the increased feelings of indignation, protest, indignation and anger. All these experiences need to be realized, that is, brought out and lived. At first, it may seem that there are too many of them, but the therapist will accompany you and provide an opportunity to meet these feelings. When protest and anger are exhausted, a lot of sadness and sadness awakens in a person in relation to a child who has received a lot of things, who endured a lot of pain and who did not have any support. All this needs to be mourned. Living this as loss and grief is a very important part of the job, and it needs to be given as much time as it takes.

And only then can we begin to move on to trying to understand why my mother behaved so immature and cruel, through an analysis of the biography of her mother and her own childhood, all those deprivations that she had experienced. After all, they do not become a bad mother of their own choice. The lack of the ability to love your own child stems from the presence of a large number of unresolved psychological problems in the mother herself.

Such a sad phenomenon, when a boy in a family is loved and cherished more than a girl, also has its own reasons. As one of the versions - the belief about the unequal attitude to the sexes in society, where men are destined for a life full of success and honor, and women - a heavy female share, suffering and serving others' needs. If your mother perceived her female fate in this way, she transferred it to her own children. And if she did not love herself, then she could not love her daughter, who was a continuation of her as a woman.

After working through the life of the parent, a person becomes able to put himself in his place and understand what the parent experienced when he raised him, to see not only his suffering as a child, but also the suffering of the parent. The parent whips the child with a belt from the experience of his deep helplessness, and maybe takes out anger on him after he was insulted and humiliated by some other people from his environment, and maybe even his own parents. Having been “in his shoes”, seeing the world through his eyes, a person becomes able to understand his parent, to see that he is not the ideal omniscient person that he seemed to be in childhood, or not an absolute monster to whom he can also introduce himself. This is just an ordinary person who has his good and bad sides, has in life both suffering and joy. And all that he did not give to his own child, he did not give, not because he did not want to, but because he did not have this to give, because he himself was a victim of pain, violence and dislike.

And if this process occurs, then only then does a person become able to forgive his parent and accept him as he was. And with this acceptance to see all the positive moments received in his childhood from the parent, which were hidden and buried under a load of pain, blackness, and dissatisfaction. And if you clear them, they will open and return to consciousness the fleeting experiences of children's happiness and fullness. After all, there are always parents worse than ours. It is sometimes said that if you are not a drug addict, not in prison or in a psychiatric hospital, thank your parents. And since it seems that you do not belong to any of these three categories, you also have your own child - however that may be, but your mother did something right. Only right like this, today, you are not ready to accept it, to see what strong traits you inherited from it except the weak ones, to admit that the suffering that you experienced helped you become a more compassionate, sensitive person, to understand how to properly bring up your own children, etc.

Only after all this lengthy study, where you mostly communicate with your mother in your imagination, can you go to your real mother and make contact with her, and you will find that you feel close to her in a completely different way. At the same time, you will still need to learn how to protect yourself from her sharp attacks in such a way that the conflict does not develop into a quarrel and an open war, as it is now. Not to communicate with your own mother for some time in adulthood is normal, and sometimes very useful, because it is possible that the mother herself will feel empty from the absence of her daughter. Mothers often behave as if they do not care if they have a daughter or not, but they always lie to themselves, because the value and importance of having a child in the life of a parent is enormous. Just when we start to take something for granted - we forget about it. The experience of experiencing such a deficit may serve as a motive for the mother to change her behavior towards her daughter.

I wish you to believe that the process of personal study is available to you and can help cope with all the pain that you found in your letter. You do not need to live with this all your life.

All the best to you!

Nadezhda Baranova
psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships from 2011 to 2016

In our center you can work out your relationship with your mother on

Hello, my name is Alexandra! My question is misunderstanding, the relationship of the mother (mother-in-law) to her adult sons.
The eldest son, having married, having lived for some time with his wife in the apartment (2) of his parents, left for the apartment that his mother and father gave him (the apartment of the grandmother, mother of the father), the second son stayed with them ...
Today he is already 30 years old, met a girl (me), and now they live with his parents. But the mother very strongly influences his life and consciousness, blackmails him with his poor health and insults if he tries to break out of her control. She is a very curious woman and painfully perceives the refusal to satisfy her curiosity.
I note that his girlfriend (i.e., I) from another city is divorced. After the divorce, I rented an apartment, i.e. lived and met "her son" on her own, took an observant position and hoped that sooner a stronger relationship would be established, namely, cohabitation. According to a number of circumstances, the girl (I) had to move out of the old apartment and the guy as a noble and loving person, he proposed to stay with him for the period of the search for new housing. I agreed, his mother too.
We lived (we live) in cramped conditions and not offended. But, we are not 19 years old and we want a logical continuation of the relationship (we’ve been together for the third year), so his mother, moreover, having an apartment (from another grandmother) does not offer young people to leave go there and build your family relationships, but she also asked me not to remove her from her worries (to feed, wash, etc. I have a feeling that if there was her will, she would sleep with him, protecting his sleep.
WHAT MANAGES THIS WOMAN. I DO NOT SEE WISDOM, AND THE SON SUPPORTS IT ALL. WORLDWIDE "MOTHER'S LAWYER" - BORING ME "TO FIGHT" WITH IT. BUT TIME IS GOING, AND I WANT TO LIVE WITH IT, IN A DUET, AND NOT BE IN THE FRAMEWORK OF A “LOVE TRIANGLE”

Hello, Alexandra! So this maternal affection directs her - when her son is perceived not just as property, but as an eternal child, who needs to be watched, looked after, taken care of and protected! from what? so that no one takes possession of it, that no one takes it from her - otherwise what should she do, who should she take care of? of course, this is a crooked relationship and a crooked love, for which she sees only herself and her feelings and sincerely does not understand that she inflicts wild pain on her son, depriving him of this independence and taking responsibility for him, and for her life puts it on him - he grew up in this and only saw such a relationship, he is dependent on the opinion of his mother and perhaps by the type of such education he will need a mother-wife than a wife-lover and friend! Do you understand what kind of relationship you got? but you can build relationships further - even with such a mother you can find a common language - and it is important to become not an rival to her, but an ally !!! to find something in common that unites you - this is a son - consult, ask - what he loves, how - she will see that you care about her son - this is important to her and when she realizes that you DO NOT take him for herself, then she can also become to your side! Alexandra, all relations are developing in different ways, and they need to be built and adjusted based on specific situations, if you decide - you can contact me boldly - call me - I will only be glad to help you!

Good answer2 Bad answer1

Hello, Alexandra.

It is important to separate what kind of relationship there is. You are a man, He is his mother and You are his mother. Inside each pair there is something different, not for the third. And that is why you can’t change the relationship between mother and son in any way, and she can not and should not affect your relationship. The fact that she does not offer you and her son to move to her apartment is her private affair and she has the right to do so. Perhaps she is lonely alone. And she takes care of her comfort. And not about yours.

But when you write about the struggle, I get the feeling that you have chosen the way to achieve your comfort - the discomfort in their relationship. Which actually does not directly affect the situation. What directly affects what is between you and your man. And if he wanted to live with you separately from his mother, his mother could not keep him. And if it can, it means either it doesn’t really want or there are some other reasons. And that is why I propose first of all to clarify the relations within your couple. After all, it seems that the true addressee of your discontent is a man, not his mother.

If it is important for you to understand in more detail these rather complicated relationships - come to the face-to-face consultation with your loved one or alone - we will look for a way out.

Yours faithfully,

Good answer7 Bad answer1

Hello, Alexandra! You find yourself in a state of a love triangle, when the son cannot decide whom he loves more and whom he will obey his mother or wife. You with the mother-in-law pull it in different directions, measuring forces. In this situation, it seems that the worst thing is for the son, not for you. It’s hard for you to fight, pull, and angry women threaten to tear him apart. In addition, he still feels dissatisfaction with himself on both sides. In such a situation, how to decide whom he loves the most? You want the mother-in-law's wisdom to let him go. And if you show wisdom, or at least the mind. Better yet, love. Let go, understand, accept. Show him that he is strong. He decides. Why don't you believe him? After all, he showed nobility and helped you in a difficult situation. Then he did not think what mom would say. You have a good experience. Maybe apply it again?

Good answer6 Bad answer0

Good afternoon!

Why did mother give an apartment to one son and not organize to another?

In my opinion, the question contains a hidden grudge.

In this case, you look like a capricious girl, "Bad mother, does not give us an apartment." Why not make money yourself? Do not rent a house yourself? After all, you stressed that you are independent, you are able to rent an apartment yourself. Or is it only in an observational and demonstrative position? :) After you have demonstrated how independent you are, did you expect your mother to believe and without fail will give you the apartment? And she had her plans for this apartment. Unfortunately, we sometimes miscalculate and people behave not as we would like, they also play, but in their own game. And it’s really a shame. But in fact, it can be for the better, because you, living in her apartment, will be dependent on her. She will be able to come to her apartment, command repairs, furniture, at the same time your relationship, etc. etc. And here you have all the cards in your hands - live separately and command yourself there. Young man, how does he feel about living separately?

Senior Questions About Junior

It’s good when the oldest child constantly asks, when the youngest one will learn to walk, and when people will learn how to eat with a spoon, and when he will already understand the books, he should go to sleep. You must not tire of answering these questions related to age development. There are such American books about age: “Baby”, “One-year-old child”, “Three-year-old”, “Five-year-old”, “Old man”. If they come across to you, buy it, because at the birth of a baby, an older one, this is very beginning to interest. Special development situations arise when children are from different fathers. They do not fit all of the above.

Gradually, the younger becomes a provocateur of conflict. Don't miss the moment

It is easy to miss the moment when the youngest begins to provoke conflicts, for example, quickly run up, bite, fight. And when the older child turns around in order to respond normally, the baby breaks out with a loud, loud cry "mother" and it is clear who is being punished. Such changes in children's attitudes are very easy to miss.

Not to mention the more sophisticated forms of provocation.

By the age of one and a half years, younger children can already do very difficult things to expose the older one to blame. The presence of such provocations does not mean that you are growing monsters and they will have a bad relationship, this is normal puppy fuss. Parents need to have a very large margin of calm in order to properly respond to this.

The fourth milestone in the development of relations between two children comes when the youngest child begins to speak well. This occurs from one and a half to two years of life of the younger. When the youngest begins to use words, he “encroaches” in the family on a new niche - the niche of verbal communication.

Special sense of first-born

The first child in spite of everything feels his primacy, the royal position of the elder. This sense of self will not go anywhere, and you should not fight it. Sometimes the elder may remind the younger: “I was already with dad and mom when you weren’t there” or “But anyway, I was born first.” He will seek confirmation of his superiority and superiority in various ways, positive and negative.

In a traditional family and culture, the first-born enjoyed a right different from the rights of all other children. Remember the law on marjoram, according to which the father and the family enterprise were inherited by the eldest son. The fairy tale “Puss in Boots” illustrates this law. Remember, there the eldest son receives a mill, the middle - a donkey, and the youngest is just a cat. Now things are different, parents are trying to equalize their children. When there are only two children, it makes sense to equalize. If you have a large family, then you should think before telling the children that they are equal.

An older child will always have more responsibilities.

The vital place of older children is different in that they have more responsibilities towards parents and other children in the family.

The elder usually falls under the focus of parents. They are nowadays greatly developed physically and intellectually. Sometimes this is a narrow area of \u200b\u200bachievement: sports, music or artistic creation. With the advent of the youngest child, the attitude towards the older one becomes more evaluative. Sometimes the elder begins to think that for mom he is valuable not just as a person, but as a person who knows how to clean up toys, read well, and bring letters.

Parents need to struggle with their relative attitude to an older child

An elder may be appreciated by parents as a child who behaves very well, but this is wrong.

In psychological terms, it turns out that the birth of the youngest automatically makes the child older and larger, even if he is not even two years old. This is the paradox of maternal perception: if the next was born, then the eldest is already big. Agree, it is difficult to immediately become big in 2, 5 - 3 years. With the birth of the youngest child, the first-born involuntarily changes his place in the family. He himself does not change exactly on the day of the birth of a brother or sister. However, his place, psychological roles, and related parental expectations and attitudes change dramatically. And all this dramatically makes the child older.

Senior privileges

Care must be taken to ensure that the oldest child in the family has not only one duties and disadvantages, but also privileges and advantages. Parents should ask themselves the question: “What privileges does our oldest child have?”

Privileges are special incentive activities, opportunities, events that only this particular child has in his family. Usually, parents call developmental activities privileges. But in the pre-school period, these activities are more amusing parental ambitions than are the embodiment of the desires of the child, his dreams. A privilege can be considered what the child himself would call it. It is not a privilege to consider that you are learning numbers, time, forms with him.

If the birth of the youngest coincided with the period of negativity in the older

Often, the birth of the next child coincides with the period of disobedience in the first-born. When a child turns one and two years old, the baby becomes insane, naughty, harmful. You need to understand that the eldest child, in the first year of birth of the baby, is a monarch who is deprived of the throne.

Celebrate moments when children play well

It is imperative to emphasize in words and deeds those moments when everything is in order in the children too. Such moments will certainly be, and there will be more than negative ones. Unfortunately, positive moments are tracked by parents worse. When everything is normal in children, it seems that you don’t need to talk about it. And when difficulties started, it was immediately fixed in the parental consciousness.

E if the older child brought a rattle and smiles, or he and the younger one had a good swim together, then this must be emphasized, separately praise the older one. It is necessary to note good moments in the relations of children, so that the older child understands that you like it, so that he has something to try for. He should know that from his mother you can wait not only for criticisms, but also praise. And you definitely need to prompt the worst ideas of games with kids. For example, the eldest junior may be taught to play simple ladles or goat-horned, in those games that I know everything.

A wonderful general toy is obtained from a large box from household appliances or a table, covered with a large piece of cloth - a house for two children. They play houses well, from the moment the baby crawls. Children with a small age difference crawl perfectly behind a ball or any other rolling toys.

How younger relates to senior

For a child under the age of one and a half years, the elder is an indisputable authority, he is very much loved by him. But the older child may not see or appreciate this attitude towards himself. This is because the little one speaks of his love not in words, but in behavior. And the oldest child, who can speak, focuses on words and he does not always read the behavioral manifestations of the little one. He needs to help interpret the infant’s behavior correctly.

The older one needs to talk a lot about the kid: “Look how small he is, how funny, how pretty, look how he still doesn’t do these things, let's teach him, let us pity him, help.” It is necessary to explain what babies can and cannot do so far. The word "regret" means a very advantageous position of the elder in relation to the younger. And it is good if gradually the baby ceases to be perceived as a creature having special privileges inaccessible to the elder, and that he is admitted to joys beyond the reach of the elder.

Different privileges for older and younger

The attention of the mother and constant physical contact with her is the privilege of the youngest child. But the elder has a lot of other opportunities for unification with his mother. Your parental task is to make them realistically achievable. At the same time, some moments can and should be exaggerated: "When Lyalya goes to bed, you and I finally read a little book like people." For the elder, it is a huge privilege and encouragement to have such an association with mom. Then such a configuration does not arise: at one end, a mother with an older child, and at the other end, a baby with whom to tinker. You must also find 5-10 minutes a day in order to play games with the elder, he is interesting, do something that you liked to do regularly with him until the baby is born.

Simple activities with the oldest child after the birth of the youngest

Life shows that there is no time left for such matters. In no case should you overload the eldest responsibility for the youngest child.

Degree of responsibility corresponding to age:

For example, one must not allow for transcendental situations when a heavy child is left for a four-year-old child who is rolling in bed and is about to roll to the edge. He will not be able to cope with this on his own, he may have a very strong fear that he must be kept.

The role of "honorary assistant"

Until the eldest is seven or eight years old, the general rule is this: the less responsibility for the younger, the better. The senior should rather play the role of an honorary assistant.

What will happen if you make care

The oldest child should not be forced to engage with the baby: “Let the baby entertain for half an hour!”. It is difficult for even an adult to entertain an active baby for half an hour. Overstrain of responsibility for a younger brother or sister worsens the elder’s attitude towards him. Five minutes “toddler” is interesting to play, ten to fifteen is already difficult.

Much depends on the difference in age, on temperament, and the level of development of children. These indicators are individual for each family. If the elder has no interest in the baby, and no matter how hard you try, joint games do not attract him, you need to leave the children alone and wait until the age stage changes and interest in games with the youngest child wakes up. The forced imposition of one child on another leads to the opposite result.

Artificial delay in the growth of the second child

In families where two children and parents do not plan to give birth further, there is a situation in which the mother of the second child is artificially delayed in development. He is no longer a baby, but for a mom of babies, and she does not rush him to grow up. This is something that older children do not forgive. They see that the youngest could already walk with his own feet, and he (the elder) at that age had been walking with his own feet for a long time, and everyone was carrying him in a wheelchair. That the youngest can already eat himself, and they feed him, because mom is so pleased. It is important here, if there are two children, do not interfere with growing up the youngest. The younger ones reach out to the elders until they understand their benefit of being babies.

Inequal attitude towards children

If you see the unevenness of your attitude towards children, you need to deal with it whenever possible. Do not forget that the unequal separation of parental sympathies of deep love and affection between the older and younger does not cause. It will be difficult for an older child to accept a pet.

Competently refuse the game

From the age of two, the youngest child becomes a speaker, and he needs to be taught phrases that mean repelling the older child: “Get away from me,” “I don't want to play together with you.” In many families, not only such phrases, but also such thoughts are not allowed to children. Parents have an irrational belief that if a family has two children, they should play together all the time. But in real life, everything happens differently. Children will quarrel, but they will certainly find a friend when they want to play together, and it will happen quite quickly. Moreover, they will play well most of the time.

“I want to play alone”

Not always the eldest or youngest child can accept this correctly expressed request. You can teach your child to say: “I want to play alone,” to which the second can say, “I want to play with you.” It is necessary to teach the child to express his desires with the words: “I want to play alone”, “I want to play a quiet game.”

Permission to play together and separately

When one of the children wants to play, parents can declare: "You can play together, but you can play on their own." The oldest child should be given the initial right to leave at those moments when he is tired of other children. The elder must initially have the “right to leave” to exit the situation. Then, after reaching two and a half - three years of age as a baby, he receives the same rights.

If the house is crowded

If the apartment is small, problems in relations between children can arise simply because it is impossible to separate. But I’m sure that in any area, even the smallest with parental desire, or the work of a children's designer, you can create living spaces, ecological niches for each of the children. Parents should be able to masterfully bring their children to different corners of the apartment, and do this not as a punishment. Such interaction rules apply to children with a small age difference.

Inheritance of clothing

Close-aged brothers and sisters, and so united very strongly, are connected by the very situation of birth. And each of them is especially difficult, but at the same time it is extremely important to find your face. If you want to give the elder's clothes to your next child, then the first-born should at least ask permission and take into account his possible refusal. Your elder may well not want to see your favorite things on another person, and even more so on a “mommy sweet baby”. It is often much easier to give what is out of use to a child from another family.

If the family does not experience significant financial difficulties, then I would recommend buying the first and second different clothes, not forcing the younger to wear the older things. And do not urge the elder to give the trousers or skirt, which became a little short, to the younger. Own clothing, not from someone else’s shoulder, takes on special weight at school age. However, boys are much less sensitive to this than girls. The general rule is: “Suppression of individualism leads to a deterioration in relations between children in the family.” And vice versa: “The better, more comfortable and more confident the child feels, the easier it will be for him to build a healthy relationship with his brother or sister.”

Features of the interaction of young children

There are things that from the point of view of the child cannot be divided. What is in special demand: baby-borns, strollers, wheelchairs, remote control cars. If there are close-sex same-sex children in the family, you will have to buy two identical toys. If the children are of the same sex and near-age, it would be good to take them to play groups or kindergartens so that they can see other relationships between people, except for their sisterly and sisterly relationships. Children sometimes get tired of the tightness of relationships, and negative clichés are developed in relations between themselves. There is a good saying about this: "Together it’s crowded, but apart it’s boring." As soon as one hand reaches for the toy, the second raises a cry. If the children are born with a small difference, they need to be taught some methods of behavior in conflict situations.

Interaction rules for children with a small age difference

If we talk about children with a large age difference, when they are separated by more than five to six years, the main source of discomfort here may be the elder’s legitimate desire that his mother belong only to him, at least for a while during the day. Younger children a priori require greater immersion, constant monitoring, a huge emotional attention of the mother. This is how human development works so that babies are much more troublesome creatures than older children.

Why schoolchildren can behave badly towards kids

If a child - a schoolboy shows aggressive behavior in relation to younger children in the family, then you need to understand why he behaves this way. Sometimes a schoolchild, who has a difficult relationship with classmates in the classroom, comes and gets pulled home by younger children who cannot give him change. The point is not the younger one, but the fact that the older person accumulates negative emotions outside the house, and they pour out on the baby. The object to whom the irritation spills may be a grandmother, a nanny, or an outside third person. First you need to understand where, in what situations the negative is collected that pours out on the youngest child. Then you need to start talking with the elder, try to convey to his consciousness that the younger is not the right opponent, you need to learn how to adjust for age. You can tell the child: “Imagine a 12-year-old guy who does the same thing with you that you do with our 4-year-old.” An older child does not always know how to track. Parents should try to understand why their eldest behaves in this way and you need to gradually teach the child to track their own negative behavior.

"The younger is also a person"

The younger one understands better that a brother or sister is also a person, that we are all people and we have our own desires, he is also a man and he has his own desires. It’s much harder for an older person to get used to it. When the youngest one is born, at first he cannot do anything, he only sucks, sleeps, cries, is completely helpless, does not even know how to take a toy. The elder captures this well, and it is very difficult for him to understand that this creature has already evolved and turned into someone who may not want or want something. The process of beating off the rights of the youngest child occurs in the eldest from one and a half to two years. By the age of three, it ends, because the child is also an active participant in this process, but parents must also participate in this process.

How does the elder behave at a time when the younger begins to show will

With a big age difference, the child knows what causes others to praise how to behave, so that people praise. In the first year and a half, the elder has a feeling that the younger is his good obedient toy, a dog. You’re driving on a leash, it’s walking, or like a machine rolling on a rope, it rolls. And when the younger one has a manifestation of his character (one and a half to two years), the older one becomes very dissatisfied with the younger one. Up to a year, a year and a half, the kid agrees with everything and is practically ready for everything: he said - ride the machine with the drive, let’s you give me the balls, I will throw them. The youngest agrees to all the ideas of the elder, and after a year and a half or two years the picture changes dramatically. The youngest child has a character and a desire to do the opposite. He, the youngest, is now also an independent person. Yesterday’s baby wants to do everything in his own way, and not in the way that yesterday’s “unshakable authority” offers him. At first, the older child is perplexed - the toy is broken, the remote control does not work, then it gets upset, and, finally, it gets angry, trying to return the situation to its usual tracks. He tries different tricks so that the baby becomes obedient and supple. But now the youngest child has entered a period of negativism, and his favorite pastime is to butt and do the opposite. And many months must pass before the crisis of three years passes, and the youngest child will again be ready for cooperation. After a year and a half, the younger ones have a very strong tendency to resist the authority of the older one.

What to do if children interfere with each other

Take for example reading. We read a fairy tale that is more suitable for a younger age, and the attention is accordingly more concentrated on the younger one, and when we start reading something for an older child, the younger one starts to interfere. He closes the book and says: “Well, all-all ??”. He is tired or uninteresting, wants him to sing a song. We just started reading, and scandals have already begun. It is necessary to make it clear to him that if he will interfere, we will go to another place, and if he wants to stay with us, then he needs to learn to sit quietly like a mouse, at least 5 minutes. Or find a lesson for him, allow him to play toys, play a little with him, and then read to the elder again. The younger child involuntarily listens to long tales, fairy tales and all sorts of fantastic things and Russian classics, because they read to the elder. And of course this is not always interesting to him, there may be other inclinations. You need to come up with such things to occupy a little one. Give some water to drink, play, he really does not have to listen to this book.

Having children alone is normal.

At first, the child does not change for a long time for two years.

The baby does not allow to do things that are interesting to the elder. It needs to be localized, physically neutralized, in the playpen, in the crib, in the high chair. No matter how much he screams, we must plant him somewhere and make it clear that no matter how much he screams, we will still do this for so much. Or classes with another child are done during the sleep of the first. In a year and a half, a child has a powerful research instinct. He needs everything, to get to the tooth with everything, to touch by touch, such is the strength of his temperament. This is normal at one year old. Therefore, it is necessary to isolate the younger during classes.

Senior Only

For the older child, one must try to keep unchanged all those occupations by age that he had before the birth of the baby. And as much as possible to reduce those trips to classes in which you take two children at once. It is optimal to separate the “activities” for the older child and for the baby. For example, if you take the baby and go to the pool or to classes for the kids, then the next day you take the oldest child and go with him alone to his classes for "big" children. For this, it is worth organizing a nanny or grandmother to help. Indeed, only with the help of assistants, separate trips and events are possible, a separate time for each child. Parents need to try to allocate time for classes only with the oldest child.

Typical tactical mistakes of parents

The first is the non-allocation of a personal zone and personal property for everyone.

Parents usually come up with typical excuses typical for this, that there is no place, that they will move soon, why buy this bed, a table, and after two years buy others. As a result, children have no personal zone and property, complete socialism, even communism, sets in, and this leads to increased competition. The area for the little one should be from birth, either a bed or a walker, he is there for some time and does something. It is necessary to plan the presence of a personal zone in the child. The one-year-old, who is constantly studying, he sometimes loves limited spaces where he can sit and calm down.

The next tactical mistake is comparing children, especially in achievements.

In the region of two and a half years, my mother comes to mind to compare the children. "Look, Masha, what a good girl, how good she eats, or see how quickly she undressed." You can not compare brothers and sisters, it greatly stimulates competition. It is better not to compare with outsiders either. The only way to compare only with yourself. If the children openly ask who is better, you can answer: “What do you want to say who is better?” Sometimes a child says something mature, this is normal, a child of this age wants to be the most-most. No need to say that you love your children equally. It is impossible to love children of different ages equally, it is almost impossible even with homozygous twins, because they are different people. To tell a child “I love you equally” is a lie in this, and the child cannot but feel it. Say: "I love you equally."

Excessive association of children

The next common mistake parents make is an overly strong association of children. It seems to many parents that the relationship in children will be good if they have everything in common, especially with a small age difference. Children attend all classes and all holidays together. They have common friends and mom even tries to buy similar clothes for them. Attendance at the same classes may give rise to reluctance on the part of the older child in what is offered. (add)

Starting from the moment when the baby is one and a half years old, you need to try to see in children not so much their similarity, it strikes the eye, especially the family one, as the difference between them. In order for their further development to proceed optimally, especially with a small age difference between the children, it is necessary to find a field for joint hobbies with each of them. Each child should try to discover his own special talent, or promising area of \u200b\u200bdevelopment of certain abilities. As psychologists say, from an early age it is worth trying to form a special zone of success for each child, based on its abilities.

Separating - bringing together

If you have one child who perfectly collects the constructor, this does not mean at all that the second one will show interest and abilities in this lesson. Children in the family are very different, especially the first two. Even with a small difference in age and external similarity, these are two completely unique, dissimilar personalities. Do not automatically try to buy toys that your older youngest child was addicted to. We need to understand the interests and abilities of the child and set up the child for the toy that he needs. If the elder, for example, is engaged in some kind of sport, then the younger should choose a different sport. Such a strategy is not very convenient technically, it is much more convenient to drive both children to the same classes. (insert about reasonable separation)

It is especially inconvenient for parents to share the weather while they are small. But the presence of one’s own life, one’s own, separate from one’s brother, sister and friends, interests and secrets, children, as a rule, does not alienate, but brings together. It’s better not to wear twins the same way, but to emphasize through clothes that they are completely different people. Sometimes twins are recommended to be given to different classes. With young children and the weather, the situation is similar.

If the parents do not try to single out their own zone of success for each of the children, to find personal interests, then the youngest child may have the feeling that he is just a second, not too successful reprint of the older child. Especially dangerous can be the situation when the children are same-sex and near-aged, while the older child is capable, talented, successful. But heterosexual children often "obscure" each other: a more painful baby takes the lion's share of the attention and strength of a mother from a healthier child.

The next tactical mistake is

Overestimated expectations for the eldest child are manifested in those situations when the eldest child is expected, firstly, to understand his own life situation (this is done by the mother at an unconscious level), and secondly, to perfect all kinds of age-related skills. It seems to mom that the elder is simply obliged to understand without words how tired she is. What she needs to feed and lay the baby, and she has not yet drunk tea. A mother who is alone at home all day with two young children may very much want and wait for this understanding from the older child simply because there is no other adult nearby, and against the background of the baby, the older child seems rather large.

An older child cannot fit into the skin of an adult

But we adults must remember that no understanding on the part of the child — the preschooler — can be demanded. Just because he was never in our shoes. He did not wake up many times during the night to feed the baby, he did not drag a heavy stroller along the icy steps. The elder has no idea what complex feelings mom overcomes when both children cry, and she is not able to do anything to instantly reassure them.

Little dog old age puppy

Often there is such a family situation when the youngest child is perceived by parents as an infant for an unlimited time.

He has no domestic responsibilities for a very long time, is not responsible for anything, and is not primarily responsible for his behavior. The youngest child in such a family is the one to whom everything is forgiven, and almost everything gets away. Because in the parental consciousness he is still a baby. But if by chance, watching family videos, or remembering a specific episode from life, parents recall how much their eldest at three or four years could do on their own, how old he was, organized and meaningful, and how little he could at the same age the second, such a juxtaposition of the skills and development of two children becomes a moment of truth for many parents.

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