Did I do what right. How to understand if I'm doing everything right? Impossible to predict everything

When you make a difficult choice, psychologists recommend that you listen not to the arguments of reason, but to your heart. The fact is that our logic is often constrained by a variety of doubts and contradictions, as well as complexes and imposed beliefs. Meanwhile, our feelings behave much more sincerely. If a person always acts according to his heart, then he is not aware of doubts and regrets about something that has not been done. Psychologists are sure that deep down, everyone knows exactly what he should do, in any case, when the decision concerns his own life.

There is a good way to determine what exactly you are feeling at the moment. Take a coin and toss it. If what you sincerely desire has fallen out, then you will gladly do it. If you did not like the choice of coin, it is obvious: you want something completely different! Therefore, do what you want, contrary to the coin.

Not enough information

Sometimes, even tossing a coin, you cannot come to the right decision, simply because both options seem equally good or bad. In this case, the problem usually is the lack of information. Try to find out as much as possible about the solutions you have found. Surely some of them will be less profitable in the future or when considering the details. Find out, and then you can make a choice.

Modeling

There are situations that need to be simulated, presenting all sorts of consequences of a decision. To do this, it is best to take a piece of paper and paint what is waiting for you in one and the other case. What are the most important development criteria for you? Rate them the situations that will develop after each of the decisions. Then it will become clear what action you should do.

Look from afar

Often people are tormented by doubts, tormenting themselves with questions of how correctly they acted in a particular case, and whether it was necessary to do otherwise. If you are familiar with this, try looking at the situation differently. Remember that you live more than one day, not one month, or even more than one year. Try to look at your actions from afar, as if it took 20-30 years, or even more. Most likely, it will become clear to you how good or bad your action is. Or maybe you generally realize how small a problem you are concerned about.

Impossible to predict everything

No matter what methods of analysis and prediction of the consequences of your actions you apply, life is still arranged in such a way that it is impossible to foresee everything. There are such acts, the result of which only time can demonstrate. And even then, it’s not a fact that it will do it for you. Perhaps whether you are right now, only your descendants will be able to recognize after centuries.

Question to psychologists

Hello, married 1.5 years, have a child of 5 months. And in family life there were problems from the very beginning. My husband kind of asks for advice from me, but acts in his own way. All decisions are made by myself. He is a bore. We live in my apartment, it bothered him from the very beginning. He did not have his own housing at that time, and the situation did not change. But we decided to stay with him for now, and over time we will try to earn money on shared housing. Conflicts were even throughout pregnancy. And during pregnancy, I started to have health problems. Before pregnancy, we very often went to his parents, but then doctors forbade me to leave the city. From the beginning, he certainly supported me when they found out about health problems. then began with his part and humiliation in my direction, and jealousy. And he began to reproach, even though I worked and went on maternity leave two months before the birth of the baby. But here he told me that I was not spending money objectively. Although the budget was common, and always agreed on how to spend. Then I just began to oppress such a relationship, after giving birth, we lived with my parents for a month. And all month in the evenings there were conflicts. Parents then began to notice it. When we moved home a month later, it seemed like a month from the beginning, then there was a scandal for the New Year, he broke the door, I could not stand it, I was frightened and my parents and I took our daughter. Then after a while he returned us. But nothing at all. He came home late tired, staring at his cell phone and that’s it. Neither especially communication with the child nor with me. Then it reached the point of absurdity that due to the fact that the child wakes up to eat at seven in the morning, he could not then sleep; he asked the child to feed later when he wakes up. That is, he does not sleep at night, because he constantly wakes up as he speaks. But at the same time, I did not accept this option to sleep separately in the hall on the couch. The last straw was that he had recently come from his parents, answered questions boldly and in conflict. And I decided to leave him. I don’t know anyway, it’s not pleasant to experience it. and now I don’t know whether it will change. He was sure that I would live with my parent and then we would be together. But I told him that once we do not succeed, why torment each other. And asked him to pack his things and move out. He left. Since then does not write. And he sent the keys to the house by courier.

Received 4 tips - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Have I done the right thing that I left my husband?

"somehow it's not nice to survive it"

Ramina, about how to survive the breakup and recover, you can read (and watch the video) in my interview on this subject - here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/for-the-family/razvod

"he is unlikely to change"

And in this you are right ...

It is impossible to change your husband from the outside, without his desire, but you can try to come to an agreement and find a compromise - that is, to resolve the conflict situation through mutual concessions.
If you have already tried this option (and for this you may need the help of a family psychologist), you have the following choice:
- let it be as it is;
- change the circumstances in which the problem arose;
- change the attitude towards circumstances, i.e. - accept them as:
  - necessary given;
  - as a lesson to be learned and something to learn;
  - as a catalyst for intrapersonal resources and opportunities;
  - as something positive, which is contained in what is perceived as negative so far;
- Or change something in yourself.

There will be difficulties, please contact, I work by e-mail (in on-line mode) and by Skype.
And I can help you individually.

With uv. Kiselevskaya Svetlana, psychologist, master (Dnepropetrovsk).

Good answer4 Bad answer1

Good afternoon, Ramina!

I think that it will be wrong to evaluate your decision. The decision has been made and I trust you very much that at some point it was a way out of the situation for you. Right or wrong, time will really tell ...

Another question is that this is happening to you now, that you are thinking about your choice ??? Do you miss spouse care? Are you worried about raising your baby? Is it financially difficult for you without the help of a spouse? There are many questions ...

The condition of a woman after childbirth, even in an ideal family, is very difficult. These are physiological changes and responsibility for the baby and child care. Especially if this is the first and only miracle! True, I have a lot of sympathy, understanding and support for you.

Wish you happiness!

Rudoy Svetlana Anatolyevna, psychologist, Astana

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Hello Ramina, you have been married 1.5 years and have a child of 5 months. Your phrase:

I told him that since we can’t do anything, why torment each other. And asked him to pack his things and move out

for me the key and here's why:

You yourself write about the fact that you have little that has happened in your family and you think that a divorce may be the solution. You didn’t think about the fact that there is always the fault of both spouses in family conflicts? And that you should start to understand, and why, in fact, it doesn’t work out what prevents you?

Initially, you decided to live in your apartment, although it bothered your husband. I guess that this is your proposal.

After the birth, again, you went to live with your parents, and they did not come to you to help you with the baby. Here again, you did as it was convenient for you, not your husband. It is unlikely that he with great desire went to live with your parents.

It was there that your quarrels began in even greater numbers.

You somehow got married without leaving your parents, that is, your separation from your relatives ( separation) never happened either psychologically or territorially.

The first year or two is a stage   Confrontations   in a new family and you have this period is quite difficult. You both make mistakes, each has its own idea of \u200b\u200bhow everything should be. But you need to consider that the family should grow stronger precisely in these everyday grindings, and this is how your new rules in the family can be born, which you did not create at the time of marriage.

At the moment, it seems to you that divorce is the best way out of your difficulties. You have mom and dad, they help you with the child, but....   at the same time, you will not be able to learn how to build relationships with men, you will not be able to learn how to be independent and finally become the guardian of your hearth. You choose a simple escape from difficulties.

Your husband is a good person, works, comes home, earns. At the same time, he is not very happy that he can live on your living space and is ready to think about how to resolve this issue in the future.

At your first words, in order to pack up and leave, he did not cling to anything (material) and left, passing you the keys. There are many male actions in this and this characterizes him on the positive side. Of course, he also has childish tricks when he asks to feed the child only when he wakes up, but this can be solved without a divorce.

Nevertheless, it’s worthwhile to think about why you were getting married, can you say that you yourself were always at your best, and that you don’t regret that your child, already having no time to be born, has lost the right to live and grow up in full a family where there is both mom and dad. Good luck.

Bekezhanova Botagoz Sparks, psychologist of Astana

Good answer4 Bad answer1

From today's issue there will be only one question and a detailed answer on my part, so that there is an opportunity to expand the situation in detail. The current topic is a personal story with a move to another country and doubts about the correctness of the chosen path.

Nastya, Montenegro

Good evening, Olesya! I read your rubric and admire your courage and vitality. A little about myself: I’m from Krasnoyarsk, I worked all my life as a tax lawyer, became the head of the department, took a mortgage, bought an apartment, was married, but unsuccessfully - divorced, paid for the mortgage, started traveling around the world and finally realized that more I don’t want to sit in the office, quit, distributed things to friends, acquaintances and left for Montenegro. Today, half a year ago, as I live here, I have worked unsuccessfully in real estate, but the negative experience is also an experience so that I am grateful to him. I met many people, one of them is now trying to guide me on the right path, he is not a minister of the church, he is just a person with great life experience, you can say, my teacher ... I am writing to you, because taking a step, I was at the crossroads of seven roads, no work, like there is a person who shows that everything is possible in this world, he himself started from scratch and rose to certain heights, but I myself do not know what I want. More precisely, I know that I want to work in pleasure, to get money and not think about what I will eat tomorrow or where I will live tomorrow. It seems like it’s what I wanted and looked for, but BUT appeared again - there is no self-confidence and self-confidence. Maybe I am an ordinary average person and not capable of more, not so smart and creative, maybe this person who is trying to teach me how to think differently is wrong in me? Question: Am I moving the way? After all, I really wanted it, I gave up everything - career, home, stability, and what now ...

Nastya, you really are on the right road - but her name is “purification from my own illusions”, and I with all my heart wish you the strength of mind to go this way to the end. Part of this path is familiar to me, these “again BUT”, when everything seems to be the way I wanted, but there is no joy and stability, either. The only way out is not to be afraid to go further and look into your real eyes.

To find out that all that you sincerely wanted was not your real desires, that moving to another country does not solve absolutely any serious life issues (on the contrary, adds them) and all cockroaches will travel with you wherever you go, until you decide to finally deal with them. To find out that the fact of your dismissal does not mean anything - unless you yourself have learned that you are capable of this. To find out that the prince, who must solve all your emotional and material questions regarding the change of country, will not arrive either. Anyway, the only way to meet him is to become a princess herself, but that's another story. To find out that nothing is done quickly and that the only law in the Universe is called "what you reap."

The result of your move to Montenegro is only that you are now in Montenegro. No more. Miracles do not happen, but they are done with your own hands. And it's easier than it sounds. Here I checked.

You have moved. AND? What were your plans for the country, what to do, how to live, with whom, what to develop, where to work? Which vector?

I want to be mistaken, but it seems to me that the intention was just to move, and then "everything will work out, but I left everything." Well, that’s it. This is your choice. If you want it to turn out differently, then you need 1) decide what you need (at least from this stage); 2) take steps in this direction.

How to decide what I need?

Begin to act consciously, and the first step is to close your urgent issues. Need money? So, they must be earned. You tried it only in real estate. Is that all? We must try again. Try and try. Only trial and error can bring closer to the true "want", and not all the numerous inferences.

I understand that I don’t want to lower the bar, I don’t want to start all over from the beginning - it would be better if it all resolved somehow and immediately with a favorite thing. But these are all dreams. Did you want to start a new life with the move? Here it is - the zero point of reference. While there is nothing and nobody on it. Welcome to a new life.

Only a few are able to find themselves in a zero-point vacuum in adulthood and of their own free will, because it is terribly terrible. You were able to take the first step, now you need to find the courage to declare your ascent to the new heights of personal being open and continue your movement forward, but without those same pink glasses. And to continue, even if you need to return to your homeland ...

It is impossible to make a mistake, dear, if you follow it. There is no way in fact - you build it with your own hands right here and now. Therefore, it is so important to take the next step and intend to change everything for the better. One work did not fit, start the next, and so on - until complete cleansing and clarification of consciousness. It will come, reality will align.

Somewhere in the vastness of the Web, I came across words that perfectly reflect the essence:

If you have met with yourself and have not been horrified - you have not yet met with yourself

(I don’t know if you are ready now for the depth of these words ... In any case, let them lie here for the future)

Meeting with yourself: with your weaknesses, illusions, false feelings and inner licentiousness is the best thing that can happen to a person, with all the pain that accompanies this process.

You are on the right track, Nastya.

I don’t understand about the person who is trying to set you on the right path ... In any situation, everything will depend only on your actions, and not on his words. A true helper on the way - gives tools and takes a step to the side, leaving you alone with yourself. He will not make decisions for you. Do not expect this from him.

Knowing your path and going through it is not the same thing

film matrix

Good day. I have such a request: help me understand whether I am doing what I file for divorce.
The situation is this: We have been married for 15 years with my husband (+ 4 years in civil law), at first it was not bad, although there was not enough money and there was no housing. After 4 years, reproaches began, he asked the child. Signed, gave birth to the first son (now he is 14 years old). He began to drink, and strongly. When endured, when not. I gave my child 1.2 to kindergarten, went to work at night, because maternity money was not enough. There was nowhere to go, and she was afraid of condemnation. I fought with booze for 3 years - it seems to have subsided. I drank, but not so much and not every day. I do not meet friends and relatives, because according to her husband, they are all, to put it mildly, bad. They didn’t even go to birthdays - he doesn’t want, but I can’t! I couldn’t find a common language with my older child - only screaming with a selective obscenity. She wanted to leave, her hands were released, she could only consult with her mother, she said: "Be patient, everyone lives like that. Not really bad."
I switched to another job, bought an apartment, a car, etc. Then it turned out that she became pregnant, and persuaded to give birth to a second son (now 7 years old). He communicates better with him, of course, but with an older one it’s really bad! I'm afraid nothing would happen to the child. I'm afraid to leave them together at home. For a long time neither children nor I have celebrated the holidays, because the husband will provoke a scandal. I have complete control: meets from work - God forbid for 3 minutes. I’ll delay if I’m calling, I’ll not pick up the phone at work or when I’m busy - a scandal, I shouldn’t meet with my relatives, I’m starting to ask for a month to visit my only remaining friend — it’s not a fact that I’ll let her go. He has a lot of friends who every month - name days, christenings, etc., go everywhere, maybe until late at night ... and in bars and cafes ...
At a certain moment I felt that everything, my strength ran out, I decided to divorce, everything inside was broken, and I don’t want to forgive and save anything!
It was the first court hearing, and the husband then realized that everything was serious. It became soft and fluffy! He wants to save his family. Two weeks have passed, I am now in confusion: I want to believe, but I understand that you can’t forgive! Or did you understand something?

Tatyana, Russia, Ufa, 42 years old

The answer of the art psychologist:

Hello Tatiana.

Your husband understood that you can really get away from him. And so now I began to adapt to you. The problem is that subsequently he can begin to behave as he did - with a vengeance. Your husband has an alcohol addiction. And he will continue to drink if he does not decide to be treated for it. The fact is that you yourself are afraid. Afraid of the “new life” - in not marriage (life without struggle). And this is understandable, it is normal that you are afraid. The new is often scary. And sometimes the familiar, familiar “patience of the bad” is perceived by the psyche as safe. But this is not so. It's just that everything is clear in the familiar. And you, somehow already learned to endure it, live with it. But you are right, you did not become happier over the years. And the limit of your patience has come. Often the stamp in the passport does not change much. People get divorced and continue to communicate and communication remains at the same level. Also consider what kind of life you want to get out of this marriage. It is better to prescribe everything in detail. I can’t tell you if you are doing the right thing. But I am sure that you will be able to make the right decision, which will take into account your interests in the first place. There are specific reasons why you decide to get a divorce. Your husband may change if he begins to heal. You can try to learn to communicate with him differently. It is very important that you can feel that it is you who control your life. It is vital for you to ALLOW YOURSELF TO LIVE AS WELL AS YOU WANT. To do everything that your husband has “forbidden” to you before. Perhaps, while you endured, you felt good for your mother, an obedient and necessary daughter. But your mother was mistaken when she said - be patient. If you decide to endure, then you need to understand how much to endure and for what endure? One can tolerate the expectation of a good one, for example, but one should not endure a bad attitude. Not everyone lives like that, believe me. And you understand that very well. It is important to believe that you can cope and live the life you dream of, in which there will be peace, security and a good attitude towards you. If you decide to stay with your husband, then on what terms? It is important to allow yourself ANOTHER life where you will allow yourself to receive joy and pleasure from life. This is a change in life scenario. And support will be on this path - work with a psychologist. Think WHAT family you want to keep, what will be in it and what will not be. And explain these conditions to your husband. Will he agree to live a family life now according to your rules, on your terms? And how long? Remember that you deserve a good attitude. Take care of yourself. And write if you have questions.

Sincerely, Irina Potemkina.